Shouldn't Have Eaten Onions

I smell rediculously bad right now because I tried to cook a fried onion tonight and it didn't work, but I ate it anyways... Matt and I did cook the dove we hunted though, and it was pretty good. It's a dark meat that tastes more like turkey than chicken, but it is tough because dove are wild and are allowed to use their muscles more than farm raised birds.

It was a night of mixed emotions as I came upon the realization of where I am. I am an audio engineering major who shall graduate in one and a half years but with no promising opportunities of employment in a VERY cut-throat business. That being said... I'm a little bit depressed. I've come to the realization that this might be the best I ever have it and that life just might pound my brains out, but this is the path I have chosen. I am at the greatest crossroad I have ever come to. I have two choices. I can either give up and fail or work to near death and push through. On my side of comfort I do have a good track record of success, but this is a different game I'm about to play. It's called real life. I'm getting this feeling because I'm looking at my old boss get toyed around with by the corporate world. He could potentially be left with nothing and he's the best there is. So where do my chances stand? And then I have friends who have graduated and are doing relatively well... only they're computer science majors and they are in high demand these days. I'm beyond the point of no return. I have to keep going down this road until it ends and I have to make the best of whatever it ends in. Oh, and then I have some friends enticing me with these post graduation plans of taking half a year off to tour the country on motorcycles. I know it sounds crazy, but it's really a guy thing. No guy wants to be chained to the man, but that is ultimately what is going to happen. Anything less would be frowned upon by family, friends, and society. But that doesn't stop men from having those feelings of desire for adventure and freedom. I want to go with them so bad, but everything I've been raised to be says "Crush those silly thoughts and get BACK to your rowing station." The drum gets faster and faster. My muscles start to cramp, and I don't even remember what freedom looks like. I am on the American slave ship... just like everybody else.

Fwew... class starts tomorrow for most people, but I have no class on Wednesday so I must find some way to bide my time. Having said that, I think I'm going to work with my music for a while. I'm going to rewire my focus this semester. I'm going to get professional and do what I can to make something of myself... which is a contradiction to everything said in the previous paragraph I know... but it's all I've got. And as for my infatuation with hopeless relationships... that too shall disolve into something better and more worthwhile. None of the girls from my past will even talk to me anymore, not even the ones who I thought I ended on decent terms with. For a while I tried to make restitution with them, but they wouldn't even respond, so I immagine that I must have wronged them in some horrible way that is not deserving of forgiveness... Somehow that doesn't even bother me. I have the philosopher's stone. I can now create closure out of nothing. It makes me feel sorta cold, but I'm glad to be moving forward. As for the new girls, I seem to be looking over their heads at my music, my work, and my friends. These girls don't seem as much of a neccessity anymore. I guess I'm just not as lonely as I thought I was. I saw that over the break while I was standing out over the ocean. I thought to myself "I could be here and alone for the rest of my life and it wouldn't bother me." I don't know if that's true, but I seem motivated by it atleast for now.

So I will run and work and not care who is looking. I feel that true strength is knowing that you are capable and able to do great things, but not caring if anyone else knows. You don't measure yourself to others.

But now I know why some of the guys I know who graduated cried. They didn't want any of this to end. They were afraid, like me, that this is the best life will be and then it will go down from here. You can't have high dreams and goals. You just have to take your place. They cried because they were sad that it was over and because they were afraid of what would happen next. But it is not in my nature to give up and crawl back home. Let's start this semester with a high note. Nobody will rain on me and tell me that I can't go here or there. I will heed the wise to an extent, but I will make my own mistakes as well. The future may only reach into tomorrow, but for that time, lets do and be the best we can. Peace and love.