Oh NO... Almost Tuesday

Mmmm... the taste of day-old microwaved pizza on my tongue after a long walk in the cold... that's a good feeling. I just got back from Stuffy's place where Shandus and I watched Kung Fu Hustle. Good movie, good times.

I guess I'll tell my "today" story in reverse. Before the movie, I was working a show, covering for Matt, at the Curb. The show went relatively well, but I could stand some improvement.

Before that, I was at Playground waiting around to help Chubbs for several hours, but we just never got to it. It's because the client stayed two hours longer than they should have. The artist that was there recording was evidently an American Idol contestant recording a record. But anyways, while I was there I felt it a good opportunity to bounce a few business ideas off of Jimmy. He had some good advice.

Before that, I sat in math class and questioned my existence.

Before that I worked the desk and talk to Matt about my new ideas for our business, and he gave me some of his.

Before that I went banking to look for people who would finance me to get some new equipment.

Before that I was in bed dreaming about something that I don't really remember.

So that was my day from finish to beginning. Right now I think I'm going to finish my pizza, get a drink of water, and get some shut eye. Oh, but before I go, I'm gunna show you the computer I'm thinking about getting for my studio. It's here so take a look if you want. Other than that. Peace and love.

Business Mode

I've had the most amazing breakthrough in drive and determination for the past few days. Though my sinuses are still rather stuffed up, I've been piecing together the essential components to start up a beginner level studio that I can learn more on than my hobbiest studio I have now. There are a few components missing from the picture like how exactly I will finance it, but it's all coming together and I'm having fun in the process.

Speaking of which, last night I had this great idea for a business I could start. I'm not giving anything away online, but I've already talked to some guys and they seem pretty comitted just as long as I can smooth out the road for them to pave. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but this is a pretty original idea, but obvious if you think about it. I call it my "pet rock" idea. If it works, I could be making $300,000 a year minimum at 25% of the income! But before that gets here, I've got alot of research, planning, and inquiry to do to make things nice, legal, and concrete. Even if it doesn't work, It'll be a great learning experience.

And lastly, let me tell you about today. It was a great day. The weather was beautiful. The church message really struck home. We went out for lunch and it didn't make me sick. We played frisbee and football in the park for a few hours. I blueprinted out my business plans (atleast 1/8th of them) and I helped Chubbs out at the studio and he taught me some new stuff.

Good day.

Now I have to go to bed because in the morning I plan on getting back started on this business thing and my studio research. After that I still have a bit of homework to finalize, so I'll be pretty busy all day tomorrow. Peace and love.

Don't Overcontemplate

I'm working out all sorts of details right now, trying to figure out how I can get the most out of my education before I graduate and am cast out on my own to this ravenous world. It's a slightly interesting slightly depressing truth to face, but in many ways it's like jumping into a pool. You can sit there and dip your toe in and feel the temperature and pace back and forth across the deck preparing yourself to face the waters... or you could just jump in and do it. I guess there's just a point of overpreperation to where you loose the joy of it and it becomes stressful and an issue of control. I want the adventure. I want to make mistakes and learn how to get out of them because that, to me, is an interesting and worth while experience. Just remember to secure your water wings if you don't quite know how to swim yet.

I'm feeling slightly on the sick side right now. I'm pretty sure I can blame the extreme temperatures for that. It was in the 20's yesterday and today it was in the mid 50's. I can't take these crazy fluctuations for long. Grrrr sickness.

Musically right now I am at a loss. I just want some word, some lyric to put down on paper that I can look at and feel satisfied with. It is so aggrivating to not be able to write because it makes me feel like my feelings aren't strong enough to transduce into art. I just want to make something beautiful, but my artistic self feels rather numb right now.

So I lean back in my black leather chair and look around my room hoping that my eye will catch something that offers inspiration... No such luck. Maybe I should get ready for bed. I am pretty tired, and it is 2:30 in the morning... but I'm still slightly hungry. So I walk over to my couch and grab the bread and peanut butter that I bought tonight on a Walmart run. A personal trainer (not mine, I'm too poor) named Trung told me that I need to eat lots of peanutbutter and white bread if I hope to gain any weight. That sounds fair. I reach behind myself and reach for the lowest drawer of my dresser where lies my pantry. I open it to grab a butter knife. I open the bread bag and take out two pieces. Next comes the peanutbutter jar... "Great Value creamy peanut butter" with evidently 0 grams of trans fat. Wow... I'm really glad about that (sarcasm). Unscrew the lid and take that silver sealer off the top to reveal... a smooth top layer of peanutbutter. I feel kinda bad to destroy it, but my hunger is a mighty force of motivation. There we go... consider it destroyed. I now spread on the peanutbutter as evenly as I can. The first bite... pretty good. Why I am narrarating my eating experience... I don't know.

I'm gunna watch the tv box before I go to bed. Peace and love.

When I Can Think Straight, I'll Let You Know

I woke up this morning with an amazing charge of energy but with a soar throat. I only got five hours of sleep, but it seems that five hours is enough for me... except for my throat. But I started my day with my handy dandy list of things to do along my side. Suprisingly enough I got most of it done. That's a first! It felt good to get so much done in one day. I was on top of the world until about 5 o'clock. That's when I went to work out. Thy gym was so crowded I managed to still work out but I had to change up my routine a bit to handle the flow of traffic. I ended up working myself into a delerium. I have to work harder and harder to see results these days. When I got out of there I went to the parking garage to run stairs. After that... my mind just went down hill. I haven't been able to think straight since. I'm having a hard time completing coherant sentences and a worse than usual time spelling and typing. On top of that, I feel like I'm coming down with something now. I feel slightly nausiated and my throat still hurts.

Oh, but when I got back and took my shower, Mitch comes in and asked me if I was on duty... Evidently I was and just didn't know about it because the RD on duty was downstairs looking for me. He wasn't mad or anything, and atleast I was in the building, but still. I really just want to go to sleep, but I can't until 11. While I wait for that to roll around, I'll be studying calculus with Matt. Evidently we have a quiz tomorrow... I'm not going to say anything about it because I'm trying to be positive about it all. I really think being positive is the only thing that's going to give me an up at college. Otherwise I will just end up being devoured by every negative situation that comes my way... and let me tell you... there are alot of them. But here we go. Matt is waiting for me downstairs because I told him I was going to go get my math books, but I guess I just took the scenic rout. Peace and love.

I'm So Awkward

Yeah, so for the past few days I haven't really been myself around most people. I feel awkward for some reason, and I'm not sure exactly why. I could take a few guesses I suppose. Let's see... I've met alot of new people in and out of class for the past few weeks and so I haven't quite made a groove yet. I'm pulling pretty strange hours and trying to get a feel for the norm. I'm in the midst of a great deal of re-evaluations pertaining to specific areas of my life. It could be any number of things. Maybe I just need some time to unwind a little bit, who knows. Or it could be that I'm just going through one of my introverted stages, but usually that involves some form of self pitty, which I haven't felt in quite some time now. I guess I'll just wait it out and see what happens.

I do know that my memory feels like it has been erased... atleast in relationship to audio information. I feel so lost in my classes, especially in my upper level Recording Engineer class at Oceanway. Everyone else seems so knowledgeable and proficient with the equipment and I still have questions as to how they work. I'm trying to harness that as a learning opportunity and not beat myself up about it, but it isn't easy. I'm just going to have to study overtime.

And MAN my shoes stink! Something bad happened to them last night because they smelled fine yesterday but this morning when I woke up they smelled horrible. I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and just buy new shoes. These were so faithful though, and they've been all around the world with me. It will be a shame to have to retire them.

Ahh... so they must have turned the heat back on today. The clanking pipes is a dead give-away. And speaking of which, yesterday I cleaned out my airconditioner because it was absolutely full of dust and I even went to the lengths of creating a contraption to sit in my AC so that I could put my broken filter back in when I was done cleaning it. Well... I come back from class this morning and I have a note under my door that says that maintenance came by and... cleaned my airconditioner. I ran to check to see if my little invention survived the intrusion... but no... I will just have to make another one :(

They clean out our AC... but the waterfountain has been broken for over a year now... That just doesn't seem right to me.

Oh! Funny thing happened last night. I was over at the Pembroke House and we were going to watch our show in Vikings room. Anyways, as he was setting up his tv, he picked up to coaxil cables to connect them and shocked himself with enough electricity that it flipped the circuit breaker. While the breaker was off we plugged everything back in and set up a bunker of chairs and pillows in front of the tv because we were worried that it was going to explode when we cut the power back on... So then we flipped the switch, but the electricity was still so screwed up that we couldn't get the switch to flip until we unplugged the tv. Crazy how that works, but probably all for the better. I think I'm going to open that tv up and try to fix it.

Well, I've got a bit of stuff to do in the morning, so I'll be heading off to bed now. Hope all is well where you reside. Peace and love.

To My Understanding

In light of recent situations, I felt compelled to rummage through some of my old journals today. I wanted to better understand the people around me, so I thought what better way to understand them than to first understand myself. It is all about the focal point. Where do your eyes rest at the end of the day? Last year I had an unwarrented stint of depression that did last the majority of that year. As depression and dealing with others has been the recent issue, I decided to look back on my journal entries to try and understand my train of thought. I can't believe how much I have changed since then. It is phenomenal the difference of who I was at the beginning of last year and who I am now.

But what did I learn? Well, composition wise, I had very well developed composition when I first started. I was speaking to an audience where as now I tend to write as if I were simply thinking to myself. The focal point was different as well. Then I tended to write more about interesting aspects of the day. Thoughts of wisdom were also a regular topic of conversation, and rarely did I ever get emotional and divulge my secrets to the open air. And then came the episode that furled me into a lowly state. My entries began to turn from a source of information to others to an emotional spillway for me. I no longer cared about what people read just as long as I got to speak my mind. I focused on what bothered me and who. I began to break simple rules in public writing like not revealing information about third parties and so on and so forth. At the end of the day I focused on my weaknesses and for the longest time I allowed that to rule my way of life.

Now what I would like to say, and until I read through these journals I was convinced of, is that I am fully recovered from that. This is not true. The war may have subsided and become memory, but just as Russia spent decades in attempts to recover from World War II, so I am still rebuilding from all the self-inflicted damage incurred from last years episode.

What differences do I see? I see myself as more hardened. I am more poised, alert, and defensive when dealing with the company of women. At the same time, I have little fear of injury and am more likely to act upon simple interests instead of thinking them through as I did before. I am jaded, but I see that as more of a result of my working position than my private emotional life. My morality has suffered and I make allowance for things which I scorned before. I made the mistake of catagorizing them as big and small. Small things won't hurt... but any experienced human being knows that small allowances lead to larger ones. I allowed for society to whisper into my ear that only shallow people strive for purity.

What keeps me hopeful? Though some bad has come of it, I see this time as essential in my life. I must learn these boundaries. I am the fool that can be told that an iron is hot, but in my view that is not knowledge. It is only knowledge by the experience of touching that hot iron and feeling it burn my skin. I am not sorry for being this way except for the ones who worry about me. I can understand that it is not easy to watch a friend or family member juggle knives, but if that is how strength and passage are finalized then God be with you. But then I have also made this assesment. The ones before us who guide us through were here before, just as we are. And just as sure as they lost their baby teeth, they went through these woods and tripped over a few roots along the way. Unfortunately, though they can teach by experience to an extent, the woods must be traveled alone, only unlike them, I am blessed in that I see where this all leads for me, and I am not afraid.

Now I shall go and watch the Panthers fight against the Seahawks. Peace and love.

News

- My toe is NOT broken
- I worked on sound crew for my FIRST showcase all day today (tiring but good exp.)
- I've modified my comments section to sift through spam (don't worry, you'll be fine)
- I danced to swing and rag-time tonight (that was fun)
- My legs hurt like crazy!
- The Panthers play the Seahawks tomorrow so Zach and I will be foes for a short while
- I'm already falling behind on several obligations
- I'm NOT going to let that bring me down
- I am going to stop writing this journal and write some music before I go to bed.
- Peace and <3

Get into the Electricity

Nathan... wake up.
Wake up Nathan...
Nathan... Get up.
Nathan, GET OUT OF BED!

(POUND POUND POUND)

I left that world of no boundaries and opened my eyes. They were stiff and hard to open and I sat there contemplating falling back into my covers as I waited for my eyes to adjust well enough to see the time on my microwave on the other side of the room. But then there's that ficus tree in my corner that always seems to block just a bit of the glowing green numbers, so I'm always having to maneuver my head ever so slightly to get a better look. It was cold outside of my comfortable bed, but I do that on purpose, and as I rolled out of my security and onto the thin blue-green carpeted floor, I knew what it was that I had to do. Mitch was on the other side of the door, and I knew this. The clock assured me that it was 7 am, though I still had a hard time believing it. I unlached the deadbolt and eased the door open to see him standing there dressed in his workout cloths.

"Let's do it."

He said as I let him in to wait for me to get myself together. Mornings and I never settled well and I finally figured out why. While most people's heart rate goes down into the 60's, maybe 50's when they sleep... mine tends to rest in the lower 30's. That means when I wake up... I'm literally barely alive. My joints are all soar and my muscles are stiff. But alas, I managed to collect the bare essentials and we headed off to the gym. It was there that I think I broke my big toe. That's not to say that my toe is broken and I'm not quite sure where it happened. I pride myself in not doing drugs. What I mean by that is that my toe may or may not be broken. I will have to feel this one out for the next few days. What I DID was drop a 45lb plate on it. I didn't jump, or react in any sharp manner. I was too tired. Instead I picked up the weight, put it on the bar as I initially intended, and then looked around and silently thought about how much my toe hurt.

Mitch was convinced, when we were through, that we would be full of energy for the rest of the day, but I wasn't sure. It turns out that I was right atleast about myself as I ended up taking three individual naps at different parts of the day. I never sleep that much.

But the toe injury and the soar legs really didn't keep me from enjoying this beautiful day. It was warm and sunny and I wore a smile for most of it. Viking and Stuffy and I ended up playing frisbee for a while, and it hurt, but it's also frisbee. After that we got takeout, Burly came over, and we, including Matt, sat at the front desk and watched our anime tv series.

Right now I'm listening to some new electronic music that I made tonight. It's pretty simple, but I'm just getting started. I'm hoping to get good enough to incorporate some of it in my song writing, maybe even good enough to do it live. That would be crazy. But for now I just enjoy making beats and adding music to it for a quick pick-me-up. Tomorrow will be interesting. I have a meeting at 1:30 instead of going to class. I then have to work a showcase for the next two days after that. The showcase should proove interesting with an injured foot, but I love challenge. I won't really get a weekend, but whatever. I have enough days off during the week as it is. Peace and love.

Accidental Eye Contact...That's the Worst

I would say today was, overall, a successful day. I feel like I'm moving in a very positive direction. Sometimes I think God allows us to go through these periods of self reflection to see just how far we've come. So I'm currently looking from a bird's eye view and feeling satisfaction but still a need to move forward.

I gave a speech tonight at the RA "meet and greet". It was on what my life has been like as an RA, and it really made me think about it and feel pretty satisfied about where this job has taken me.

After the meet and greet I went to tear down a show in the Curb. We were working and all of the poeple from the show were slowly trickling out. Then, out of the corner of my eye, who should I see. None other than the girl who I was interested in that all of the sudden disappeared from the face of the earth. We both accidentaly made eye contact if but for a millisecond. It was enough to bring out my not so appealing side and enough for her to split within the blink of an eye. I'm not justified in feeling this way. I didn't really know her that well, but it all just goes to show that I'm ill prepared. I know I shouldn't get defensive about stuff like that, but I don't know how to handle it like the general majority. I can't just shrug and smile, but I think I'm learning. I guess this is just where I have to cast my personal rights out the window because that's the only way I'm going to feel good about that situation. That and time.

Now other than that I feel pretty good. I'm ready to start pushing harder on my workouts and I still feel pretty content. Have a blessed day tomorrow. Peace and love.

Hot Chocolate

Wow, what a day! Tuesday is my craziest day of the week. I have five classes and a meeting every tuesday and between that I try to squeeze in some workout time and maybe, if I'm lucky, a power nap. I feel pretty good though. It was raining all day, but that didn't even get me down, and hey, it eventually turned to the most beautiful snow.

The best news though is that Chubbs gets to keep his job! That is a true answer to prayer, and I'm very glad for him. Tomorrow I'm going to study and play music, but for now I'm going to drink hot chocolate and watch a movie until I feel the urge to sleep. Peace and love.

Steady

I once had a conversation with a friend about the struggles we were both enduring. I said that I wished I was where they were because that would be my ideal environment to grow in, especially spiritually. They then brought a new thought to my mind. Could it be possible that God placed me in the true ideal environment for my growth? Sure there have been points where I haven't been comfortable, but growth is always a painful process. Sometimes it is hard to picture the final product. You take a rough stone from the mud, clean it, run it through days upon days of wearing and grinding and tumbling. Some time later you pick it up and hold it to the light to watch it shimmer. It now has immense value where before it was nothing but potentially valuable. For me, college is that tumbler. I am out of control being tossed and turned and grinded upon. I really can't see, now, how any of this will develope for the better, but I am confident that a day will come.

But it is funny to me how much and what I worry about. As much as I criticize those who constantly thirst for some sort of drama, whether internal or external, I sure do seem to find pleanty of my own. It is as if we don't feel like our lives are enough. We have to take drugs to make them something more, something that they are not. I was reading Aristotle today and I would bet that he would strongly disagree with such persuits. He would suggest that happiness, unless divinely blessed, can be somewhat aquired in a life of virtue, honor, and brave action. He said that action is the key. You do not grant awards to olympians for looking like the best or talking themselves up the most, but only those who take the most perfect action will win the medal. So I have a personal conviction to perform my day to day life as an honorable and virtuous man without worry. Saved by grace, yes, but granted a free ride through the difficulties of life, no. I still have to face tough decisions and circumsances each day just like the next guy. So, will I be honorable, or will I try to make my life feel more exciting?

As for the weekend, it was relaxing and pleasurable. I'm glad the Panthers beat the Bears, but either Zach or I will loose sleep next weekend when the Panthers meet up with the Sea Hawks. I'm looking forward to it. Oh, I also got to meet new people these past few days. I've really been in want of meeting new folks, so I'm glad for that. Tonight was a "return to work" call. Matt came over and we cooked. I made steak and angel hair pasta with a butter garlic sauce and a side of green beans. It was probably the best and suprisingly cheapest meal I ever made. I ate all of it though... which was alot. We then worked on calculus for a while until we were both too frustrated to continue. And as scared to death as I am of calculus and all math in general, I am going to have a positive outlook on this semester and work as hard as I can to bring it to a successful completion.

Musically, I'm at a standstill. I don't quite feel inspired, but I'm going to try and train myself out of this funk and do some serious new stuff.

As for my fridge... I am pretty sure that the immortal funk that has resided in there for a better part of a semester has now assimilated into a ghost that insists on clunking and clanking around at all hours of the night. But asside from the noise and stale stench, the fridge still does its job well.

And now I shall close. I hope God teaches you all something new this week. Take it in stride. Peace and love.

The Fight Begins

I have met calculous today and sized him up and... he looks pretty tough, like I might not get out without a few black eyes and broken ribs. My other classes seem pretty neat though and I'm especially interested in philosophy and my audio courses.

Cameron helped me out with the pictures I need for my modeling interview tomorrow though. You can check out more of his stuff at http://www.riverrockmediagroup.com





I was reading a book last night that really called me out on feeling sorry for myself and my situations. It is so easy to surrender to a bad mindset every day. It doesn't take much. But to be positive and happy really takes hard work. I knew a girl like that last year, and for the longest time it really bothered me that she was always so positive. I thought that there was so much horrible stuff going on in both the physical and spiritual, why should anyone be really happy all the time? Anyone who is like that can't have a strong grasp on reality. After all, she seemed really well guarded emotionally on top of that, so I thought it as a crutch, a method to hide her true feelings from everyone around her.

So I misjudged her. Now I have a great respect for her, but of course, a bit too late. She's not here anymore and when she left I was still REALLY self-absorbed. I hate it that I insist on learning things even at the expense of others. I'd like to think that we could have been pretty good friends given that I could have been a little bit more wise. I'm sure she holds nothing against me though. She's too pure hearted for that, which is another reason I respect her so much.

Ahh... but I'm talking about the past again. I shouldn't do that as much as I do, but I think I do because it's easy to control. Thinking about the future isn't very fun because you don't know what's going to happen, so you're not in control. Thinking about the past on the other hand is more enticing because you already know what happened and you can control what you're thinking about. Does that make sense? Yeah... probably not.

Oh well, I'm going to bed because even though I don't have class tomorrow, that doesn't mean that I don't have lots to do. Peace and love everybody!

The Garden

I waited a while to go to dinner tonight with the guys. I'm still in this funk, faced with something I can't identify and it bothers me. I haven't had much to say for the past few days, and everything seems rather serious, but I've had my fair share of laughter lately. Dinner was good, but I was bothered by all of the noise for some reason. I think it's because I couldn't isolate all of the conversations in the room and just pay attention to one. The funny part was when we had to leave though. I had to use the bathroom so bad, but I was going to wait until I reached to solitude of Pembroke before I went down that road. After waiting almost an hour, I have never had to use the bathroom so bad in my life. I don't think it to be appropriate to share a new record on my journal, but I'll let it rest at you knowing that there was most definately one set.

Last night I expressed a lack of knowing what to do today with all of my free time. I'd like to say I was extremely productive, but I wasn't. I did the whole workout thing, but most people don't really consider that to be productivity unless it is coupled with several other activities. I was the first to work the desk this semester which is an accomplishment that would probably give an elementary student a sense of achievement like being at the front of the line, but working the desk really has no luster at all. What I DID do was look for a secondary job, and I may have found one. As funny as this sounds (because this is completely not in my nature)I am going in for an interview at a modeling agency. I figure it might be a little extra cash in the wallet.

I really want to write some music and I just can't. I'll sit and write and write and write and nothing comes out so all I can really do is try and write some more. I think Nashville puts an artistic fog over my brain. I can't think creatively because everyone's a critic. I lack the confidence that anyone here would enjoy the music I make, so I sit on it and keep it for myself. What a waste. I'm determined to get over that and to get over what other people think and really work hard at getting my music out there. I'm just curious to see what happens.

Other than that, I really have nothing more to say. I'm working on trying to wiggle out of the mud right now and until then I'm not going to seem very interesting. I really just need to get over this unhealthy obsession with struggle and sit back in my chair, maybe watch life go by like clouds... or traffic. I could stop complaining about adversity. I could do great things. I could meet new people. I could be a strength to others instead of consistantly self-absorbed. Here's to the new semester! Be strong and patient. Seek true spiritual wisdom and live like you've never been hurt by the ones you love. Peace and love.

I Feel Gross

I just walked away from a recording and I got NOTHING DONE! I HATE that! I feel gross now so I need to do something high action for a while. I'll let you know how it goes later tonight.

Shouldn't Have Eaten Onions

I smell rediculously bad right now because I tried to cook a fried onion tonight and it didn't work, but I ate it anyways... Matt and I did cook the dove we hunted though, and it was pretty good. It's a dark meat that tastes more like turkey than chicken, but it is tough because dove are wild and are allowed to use their muscles more than farm raised birds.

It was a night of mixed emotions as I came upon the realization of where I am. I am an audio engineering major who shall graduate in one and a half years but with no promising opportunities of employment in a VERY cut-throat business. That being said... I'm a little bit depressed. I've come to the realization that this might be the best I ever have it and that life just might pound my brains out, but this is the path I have chosen. I am at the greatest crossroad I have ever come to. I have two choices. I can either give up and fail or work to near death and push through. On my side of comfort I do have a good track record of success, but this is a different game I'm about to play. It's called real life. I'm getting this feeling because I'm looking at my old boss get toyed around with by the corporate world. He could potentially be left with nothing and he's the best there is. So where do my chances stand? And then I have friends who have graduated and are doing relatively well... only they're computer science majors and they are in high demand these days. I'm beyond the point of no return. I have to keep going down this road until it ends and I have to make the best of whatever it ends in. Oh, and then I have some friends enticing me with these post graduation plans of taking half a year off to tour the country on motorcycles. I know it sounds crazy, but it's really a guy thing. No guy wants to be chained to the man, but that is ultimately what is going to happen. Anything less would be frowned upon by family, friends, and society. But that doesn't stop men from having those feelings of desire for adventure and freedom. I want to go with them so bad, but everything I've been raised to be says "Crush those silly thoughts and get BACK to your rowing station." The drum gets faster and faster. My muscles start to cramp, and I don't even remember what freedom looks like. I am on the American slave ship... just like everybody else.

Fwew... class starts tomorrow for most people, but I have no class on Wednesday so I must find some way to bide my time. Having said that, I think I'm going to work with my music for a while. I'm going to rewire my focus this semester. I'm going to get professional and do what I can to make something of myself... which is a contradiction to everything said in the previous paragraph I know... but it's all I've got. And as for my infatuation with hopeless relationships... that too shall disolve into something better and more worthwhile. None of the girls from my past will even talk to me anymore, not even the ones who I thought I ended on decent terms with. For a while I tried to make restitution with them, but they wouldn't even respond, so I immagine that I must have wronged them in some horrible way that is not deserving of forgiveness... Somehow that doesn't even bother me. I have the philosopher's stone. I can now create closure out of nothing. It makes me feel sorta cold, but I'm glad to be moving forward. As for the new girls, I seem to be looking over their heads at my music, my work, and my friends. These girls don't seem as much of a neccessity anymore. I guess I'm just not as lonely as I thought I was. I saw that over the break while I was standing out over the ocean. I thought to myself "I could be here and alone for the rest of my life and it wouldn't bother me." I don't know if that's true, but I seem motivated by it atleast for now.

So I will run and work and not care who is looking. I feel that true strength is knowing that you are capable and able to do great things, but not caring if anyone else knows. You don't measure yourself to others.

But now I know why some of the guys I know who graduated cried. They didn't want any of this to end. They were afraid, like me, that this is the best life will be and then it will go down from here. You can't have high dreams and goals. You just have to take your place. They cried because they were sad that it was over and because they were afraid of what would happen next. But it is not in my nature to give up and crawl back home. Let's start this semester with a high note. Nobody will rain on me and tell me that I can't go here or there. I will heed the wise to an extent, but I will make my own mistakes as well. The future may only reach into tomorrow, but for that time, lets do and be the best we can. Peace and love.

Game Faces Everybody

Mitch and I woke up this morning and ran a mile before we went to the gym. It was good times, and I'm glad to be working out again. Last year I started now and ended in April, but this year I hope to stick with a routine for a little longer. It makes me feel balanced when I work out, otherwise I'm spending too much time thinking about the wrong things.

But today is the day where all of the residents will start moving back in. I'm praying for patience and endurance to end this year strong. I have my expectations, but we'll see what really happens. I was thinking about my workload and I'm not sure what's going on now, but give me about two weeks to get in the swing of things and I'll be fine.

I think right now Mitch and I are going to the bank to do a lil money thing, but as for the rest of the day... I'm not sure... I think I want to try and find a disk golf course. Today would be an amazing day for disc. Peace and Love.

Just as I Left It

The drive was a long one today, but the weather was pleasant atleast for the majority of the journey. Once I hit Ashville the clouds began to pile up and I thought it was going to rain, but instead it started to snow. If you've ever been through the Ashville area, snow isn't exactly considerable as "pretty" driving scenery, but I made it through alive, so that's cool. I got really antsy while I was driving though, which isn't normal for me. Usually driving helps me focus and stay in a calm state of mind, but today it was different. I mean, I am excited to get back and catch up with my friends, but I don't think that has so much to do with it. It could have been all of the state troopers parked all over the road stopping people left and right. I mean I really like that new driver's license I got today, but I didn't really feel like showing it to them... But the drive did cycle me through quite a bit of music, which is always nice. Oh, and speaking of driver's licenses, I did go to the DMV this morning to get an updated one, and they really were jerks to everybody, so from what I can tell, the stereotypes are pretty accurate. I think it would be nice if all of the professions that are filled with stereotypical jerks were put on a list and people would go down that list and do something outstandingly nice for them.

Back to the story though. Another thing I noticed on the drive was my constant identifying of all the birds flying in the air. I saw so many doves and I really just wanted to grab a shotgun and bring a few of them to justice (and by "justice" i mean my dinner plate), but there will be no hunting for me for quite some time.

But I arrived in Nashville, back to all of the lovely traffic and city life, at about 6pm central time. I'm glad to be back and I have a peace about the upcoming semester. But when I got back, all the guys that were here met up and we went out to Sir Pizza. That's where we go pretty much every Sunday. Cubbs, Burly, and Viking were there. It was a somber mood though. Chubbs just found out that he might get layed off because the recording studio just got bought out and the new owners might cut his job to save a few bucks. I don't see how they think one guy can run that entire place, but hopefully some sense come to them because that is Chubbs' dream job. He loves that place and has worked so hard, too hard for them to just up and shaft him like that.

So I guess I'll sleep in tomorrow and when I wake, I'll see what doing there is to be done. The other guys should be getting back in the later afternoon, and we'll all have alot of stories to tell I'm sure. Right now I'm listening to Hem's album Rabbit Songs. It's about as country as I can tolerate, but I love it... Well... it's more like jazzy bluesy country... Her voice is so beautiful.

I'm going to get some sleep. Peace and love.

This Morning's Hunt

A Few Days in the South

Well, I went home from the beach and met up with Matt on the same day. He drove up to help the band out with worship on Sunday and I gotta say it was the best I have ever seen at our church. After that we got to talking and he showed me his hunting license and said that he was dying to go. I expressed the same desire and the idea came about that I should go down to his place and we should go hunting. Well... I love being spontaneous, so the next day I hopped in the car.

And here I am, in South Carolina on Matt's computer. He's behind me trying to beat Final Fantasy VII, but he's got quite a ways to go. He's at that part in Junan fighting the boss righ before he gets to get on the submarine.

We did fire guns today... for most of the day. First we started off shooting skeet to warm ourselves up. I didn't do that great being that the last time I fired a gun was over spring break of last year, but by the end I was hitting more than I started off doing. So then we broke off for lunch and then went out to check and see where the hunt was going to be before we went to get my license. We found a pretty nifty corn field full of birds, so we went to get the license, Matt and I got these stellar camo shirts, and we went back to hunt. When we got there, the birds were still there so we split up and created a parimeter. Jake and Mr. Singleton flanked on the right side, and Matt and I headed off for the left all around this huge cell phone tower. We heard several shots fired and the birds scattered from the trees and started to head just beyond our direction. One, however, broke off from the flock and came just close enough for me to take a shot, so I did. It droped like a brick with just one shot fired, and I went to check the body. ... It wasn't a dove... no, it was much worse than that. I killed a woodpecker. I felt sorta bad because I've always admired woodpeckers, but he didn't feel anything. I shot him through the head, so he died instantly. After that, we waited for them to come back, but they never did, so we left at dusk.

Matt and I are going to wake up early in the morning to go again, hopefully with better luck. If not, Mr. Singleton did manage to kill four, so we will probably just clean those and eat them tomorrow night. Oh yeah, I'm using a Banelli 20 gage semi-automatic shotgun. Matt is using a pump action shot gun. I like guns, I like the outdoors, and I pretty much like hunting. It's exciting when you're shooting at something, but if you can enjoy nature, it is very peacefull when you're not. Maybe I'll have pictures by tomorrow. Peace and love.