Ha Ha hee hee

My room is finally done! I suppose there are a few more things that I could set up here and there, but they are more for show than for usefulness. The only thing I can really think of are untangling my lights and putting those up. But again, that's not completely necessary right now.

My general mood is good. Much better, I suppose, than that of last year. I feel more confident in that I know what to expect out of training and I'm looking forward to meeting my new residents. Everything seems to be running so smoothly. Now there are a few kinks in a few hoses, but none of the hoses belong to me. There is a new RD around campus who came in just like my old high school principal. She thinks that she can come in with an iron fist, change policy among seasoned and experienced RAs and expect them to follow along whole heartedly. What she doesn't know is that some of those RA's are already speaking of rebellion. That's what happens when you are consumed by your power as a leader. I was the same way when power was new to me, but being an assistant manager at a pool and being an RA has really helped me out of it. Good leaders stick up for their employees. They make them feel like they are valued more than policy while still keeping policy precedent. They show respect and trust that the employee can and will do things without being commanded. They only interfere if something goes wrong or if there is new information that needs to be communicated. Me's thinks that this RD is trying to impress the big dogs with their performance, but when you play the butt kissing game, you have to have skill. You have to mask the fact that you're kissing butt because nobody likes a butt kisser. This RD doesn't do a very good job of masking. I'm hoping that maybe they catch on before the year starts. I like their employees and they have always supported Pembroke, but if things don't change soon... I'm gunna have to support their needs. But maybe I won't even have to. Maybe the big dogs already know. It sure sounds like they do. Here's hoping for a good year.

Was I so confident last year? I guess I was before I met her... After that my confidence plummited down the side of a mountain. Bad relationships make me doubt myself, but when I'm not in a relationship I have so much more to give. I can achieve so much more. That is why I like being in this situation. I don't have to worry about someone else liking me or not. I can instead utalize that part of my brain to do something more productive. I'm not down on the situation though. I know that one day I will meet this spectacular girl who won't draw me down into a slump, but rather pick me up and enhance me. We will compliment eachother. I guess that's my problem though. I've never experienced that, so I look at relationships as a waste of time. I saw a picture of her today though and it caught me off guard a little bit. A distant part of me is still a bit hung up on her for some reason, but when that part of me decides to venture outside of its very small living space, I generally slap it around a bit and send it back to its metaphorical cage.
Oh, but the girl over the summer... as that stood, I realized at the beginning of the summer that I had never fell out of love with her but burried it so deep that I didn't expect it to resurface. Well that all changed when I actually hung out with her, but now... hehe... now that is all changed. Never before have I seen her so clearly as I do now. I talked with one of her friends about the way she was treating me, and she told me that she wished I had told her sooner because she would have told me to stay away. It's funny... even she complained about abuse in their friendship. I don't get that. Is she just so used to having people chase her around that she is actually snobby enough to consider her friendship to them as a privilage? Thoughts like these tend to burn out love pretty fast. Now... I don't even care what her problem is. I doubt I will even see her again. And thus ends a very large chapter of my life... time I wish I could get back, but being that I can't I might as well disect them and learn something.

But you know what I long for? I long to be free from thinking about that period. I don't want to be a slave to my past relationships or even ideas of my future ones. I want my next relationship to be meaningful and to interrupt me instead of me seeking it. I suppose that would be like a deer walking up to a hunter with a gun... but so be it. I'm sure it has happened before. That reminds me. When I was a kid of about six a doe walked up to me and started liking my head... Now ladies, if you start liking my head all of the sudden... I'd have to say that would be pretty weird. Think of another more suttle means please. But yeah, that's what I long for.

So how tired am I? On a scale of 1 - 10 I'd have to go with a 9.5. And that is going to be pretty consistant for the rest of the week. Training requires early mornings and I require late nights. Not a good combination if you ask me. But it was a pleasure informing all of you on my thoughts. I promise they will become more coherant as the school year picks up. But until then, enjoy nonsense and rediculouse antics. Peace and love.