And Training Again Draws to an End

Well, in attempts to not screw up this year I think I've made pretty good decisions so far. Maybe I haven't been met with the same temptations as last, but thank God either way. I feel alot older not simply in just the way I look, but also in the sense of obligation I have and a self understanding that I feel has better equiped me to handle my life at the moment.

I do still feel my weaknesses, but I find that I have more control over them. The greatest of these I have come to an understanding of since Africa. I have shut myself off from people even more since Phill passed away. I don't even know my own emotions anymore. Mitch asked me yesterday what was bothering me because I looked "down" to him. I had to actually stop and figure it out. I didn't even know what was bothering me. I really want to work on that because I'm sick of people seeing me as "strong" when it's more of a fake strength. I mean sure I have strengths and stuff, but I could spend more time developing them I suppose. It's just that I shut myself off in such suttle ways that I don't even realize when I'm doing it. I suspect there is a greater lesson in this than I am picking up right now...

But tomorrow the new faces move in. My boys will be here tomorrow night and I will be met with the task of getting to know each one of them. Not only that but we both will have to adapt to eachother. Come to think of it... who should adapt more... me or them? Hmmm... But I'm mixed about it. Last year I had guys moving back in that I already knew, so I was looking forward to it. This year, the only guys that are moving back in that I know are already here. All the faces that come abord tomorrow will be new. That will require a great deal of social energy that I pray God provide me. I've been so drained of it this week in little "ice breaker" "team building" activities. See, I'm the kind of guy who looks at all of those activities from a different angle. I don't like being "peppy". That's just not my thing. Now I'm generally not a depressed guy, and sure, if I'm around negativity, I get sucked down sometimes, but for the most part I just like to be relaxed and take things as they hit me. Some people like that stuff though. That's fine. But I don't like it when I'm shoved into the same oven as them. I don't like to be forced to be a cheerleader. I'm not a cheerleader, I'm a realist.

When I was a kid, there was pleanty of time to see things as light and unconsequential. The world wasn't complex, so why then should my thoughts be? I could't feel the pain of the people around me. I only knew of myself. But now I understand that I have surroundings that are quite frequently filled with different types of people who have a story just like me. I feel like if I were grinning ear to ear all the time that it would be insensative. It shows in my rolemodels. They know when to be excited, when to be sorrowful, when to be funny, and when to be serious. They don't get stressed out over trivial things, and they take life as it flows, but they do it well. There is a depth to them that can't be figured out just by placing them in social environments and observing. They have to be truly known to be known. That is the kind of character that I desire for myself.

So tonight I need to refill my social energy bar before tomorrow. But other than that I AM TIRED! I need to get my laundry and go to BED!!! Peace and love.