Friend Conversation Part I: The Casual Friend

Parties are a good thing, but I'm finding myself in a different corner of the room these days. I was thinking about it tonight at a party I went to at a church that I didn't regularly attent. Everybody was having a great time, and that was awesome, but I feel different about parties. I don't know if I just don't like them anymore, or what my reasoning may be, but I'm going to hash it out on paper right now and try to figure it out.

From middle school through high school, I was always trying to be the center of attention. I was planning parties and over time I learned how to do it well and get people involved. When I got to college, I just stopped. I didn't want to go to parties anymore or meet people in large quantities. I think some of my reasoning might be related to acceptance. I don't care about being accepted anymore. I've moved to a higher level on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. All I want now is substance. I want to be around a few set people I'm close to who I feel confident that we can either A.) Have substantial conversation, or B.) Just relax and do whatever without feeling like we have to get to know eachother at a surface level. I might be a jerk or something, but I just don't feel like getting to know new people anymore. I don't feel the need to because I am content with the people I do know and am friends with.

(I start getting really cynical after this point... so if you're in a good mood, just warning ya.)

The substance part is really important to me. I think it always has been. If I'm friends with someone for an extended period of time and I can't seem to have a worthwhile conversation with them about the deeper values of their heart and their philosophy on life, I tend to hold them at a distance. They remain at a level known as "casual friend". I'll write the next few journals on levels of friendship and how I preceive them, especially by conversation. This is the conversation I might expect to have with a casual friend.

-"Hey, how's it goin?"
-"Oh, pretty good. You?"
-"Doin good."
(This part of the conversation is a bold faced lie, but very few people know a better way to break the ice with a casual friend or just an acquaintance. The topics of conversation are strikingly similar between the two. A conversation started out like this might not be intended to, but does indeed scream "I'm not interested in what's going on in your life, but I figured it would be socially crippling for me to just outright snub you." In my case, and yes I do admit my faults here, I might start a conversation like this because I don't feel like doing the investigative conversational work to figure out what's really going on inside the other person's needs/wants list, or perhaps I'm just in a daze, not in the same room with you mentally. Anyways, let's continue.)

-"So... what's goin on with you?"

(Here's the dropline. This is make or break time. When this question is asked the inquisitor is usually opening up to get a little more in depth with the conversation, but they're leaving it up to what you dish out. Are you going to get really serious with them or are you scared to hell of actually baring yourself to someone else? It honestly might be a legitimately based trust issue or maybe just paranoia on your part, either way, you're still the determinate as to the direction of depth in conversation if asked this question.)

-"Not too much, just _____"

(Insert lame broad task that makes you seem as generic and boring as possible so that the other person will catch the hint and draw the conversation to a close because you're obviously not interested in talking right now. You're too busy or, perhaps, untrusting to be relational. The conversation can, however, be redeemed if the inquisitioned inquires the inquirer ((?))...)

-"What about you?"

(Hmmm... maybe they are interested in you but they don't feel like what's going on in their life is worth talking about, or maybe it's still a trust issue... who knows. Let's find out. We'll test it out by sharing something deeper than expected... What happens?)

-"Wow, sounds _____ ...."

(Nope, they're not interested, they're just culturally programmed to be shallowly curtious, but aren't we all? So take it with a grain of salt and end the conversation.)

-"Well, it was good to see you. Have a good one."

(It's good to end the conversation with "Have a good one." It's pretty much the most generic thing you can say and they can interprate it however they want, so it can't go wrong.)

Again, this is a common conversation with a casual friend. Casual friends can be categorized simply as people you know whom you are not enemies with. The casual friend precedes the midline friend. Most of us understand, though, that such a conversation can occur with any catagory of person including begrudged enemies, but it's frequency is the important thing. If you know people who you only reach this level of depth in conversation with, chances are they're a casual friend.

Sorry for being so cynical.

Peace and love.