Before the Jump

The weekend is over. Not much of a weekend for me. I still have classes all day on Saturday, but only one more week of that and I'll be done. I'll hopefully be taking up more hours with work when I'm done. It's been pretty hard surviving on a day a week less income. I'm glad for all of these experiences though. It really teaches you to appreciate the value of a dollar.

As far as classes are concerned, times have been better. I'm still struggling with motivation. I feel so concentrated on my job opportunities that it's hard for me to pay attention at all in my classes. I'm struggling with things that I should be finding pretty simple.

Now I have a few plans as to how I can pick myself up again. First off, I'll be trying to go to the park whenever the weather is nice enough just so I can sit and study without distractions like TV and the internet. Second, I'm going to be keeping more busy. I find that whenever I have free time I tend to slack off beyond recoverability. I need to find more quiet time to study and concentrate rather than bask in the cold glow of the television.

I've been thinking a lot about the future, about picking myself up and moving again. I have more peace about it than before. It has been mind blowing how rapidly doors have been closing left and right here. I'm excited to try myself out in a new setting. I'm excited to see what I'm worth. Here, things are coming to a quick close. I'm trying to keep any more negative situations from rising up. I want to leave with good memories. I want my dominating thoughts here to be good ones. It's getting harder though. Things happen that I don't like and I find myself restraining from any action which is against my nature. But perhaps it is good that I spend some time exercising restraint. It can only lead to clarity of mind in the midst of future adversity.

It's getting to be that time of year again. I generally take a huge survey on what I've become in recent time. It's like a soulful census. As always, I'm both proud and ashamed. There are certain traits about me that I've taken on that are positive, and others that are negative. It's a huge transitional phase in life again though. So do I think I can pull through?

I do. I know there are things about me that I'm going to have to adjust. I'm glad to do it. I don't find anything wrong with making slight accomidations. If anything I've learned in college it's that in social settings, we really aren't much more than what other people preceive us to be. The difference between college and high school though, is that I know now that I have a say in that perception. Before, I felt like nothing more than what other people expected of me. I was a pleaser. I did whatever was in my power to make everyone around me happy. When I came here three years ago, I was the only person I knew. That means that I had no one around me to define me, so I was about to learn what I perceived myself to be. What is a chameleon's true color? It's been an interesting ride and I know myself a great deal better. My weaknesses are identified and my faith feels more real.

I feel sturdy now. I still try to be pleasant around other people. Again, I think it's fine to make accomidations, but not always. You have to KNOW what you believe and who you are to make a worthwhile stand on any subject matter. You have to know those things to lead as well. I feel imperfect, but I feel satisfiably dissatisfied in that knowledge.

I'm ready to turn 23. I'm ready for whatever that means. I don't think I'm quite to the point yet to where I would start denying my age, but I'm feeling a few more aches and pains that I didn't before. I'm getting older and I'm still positive about it is what I'm trying to say. I'm overanxious though. I just want to move on. It's those few moments of contemplation, doubt, and confidence that fill ones thoughts just before they jump out of an airplane over a battlefield. I'm there right now and I've convinced myself to face the casualties of war for the sake of progression.

Peace and love.