Ranting

I'm still pretty stressed out right now, but I'm trying to think positive which is becoming a chore in itself. The activities that have been keeping me level are as follows:
-classical music at night
-my open window next to my bed
-my awesome fan
-chess
-reading
-ultimate frisbee
-warm sunny days
-capri sun
-quiet time

My heart is in desperate trial for some sort of break in the clouds. I don't do very well when I am this busy. I become numb to the world and I sink into myself. I really want to complete the tasks at hand, to have the motivation to do it, but I'm just so split up between everything that I can't seem to find enough quantity to get the job done.

I'm being repetative, journal wise. I need to either say something new and profound or nothing at all. Peace and love.

Up the Mountain

Go, go, you can do it, just keep going. Don't stop and think about it, just mindlessly put one foot in front of the other until you get to the end. I remember several years ago in Guatemala, Brian and I wanted to race up the mountain to the village we were going to. It was close to a six mile hike up and the temperature was pushing a conservative 100+, but we saw a challenge and we wanted to face it. It's easy to take a challenge when looking at the top of the mountain from the bottom. You're looking at it and you're feeling fresh. You aren't fatigued in any way and because of this all you can think about is how there's no way you can fail. You set off in high spirits and high pace, enjoying the scenery and making reflective conversation. It's nature, how can you not be reflective? The minutes push on and the rocks get bigger, the slope grades get higher, the sun gets hotter. These mountains are the desert. Your bottle of water is warming up to the point where you would be just as well off to mix some coffee grounds in and serve it up with cream and sugar. You don't let your pace down though. That would be giving in. Then comes the phase where you start trying to put the length of road into a time frame, only you aren't wearing a watch, nor do you know exactly how long you have to go. It's just up for as long as the road carries. It's the will that gets you there when you don't know the end. It's hope and it's endurance, the motive of having something to prove to yourself pushes you from behind. Most of the conversation has stopped at this point, but you keep on marching with just as much ferver. Your feet get soar and the sweat drips into your eyes and stings a little, but the slight breeze feels better the higher you get. Occasionally you come to an overpass and look out and thigns are suddenly put into perspective. The vastness and the hight of your ascent. It makes you feel big, and you would almost be comfortable to just stop here if it weren't for the knowing that up the road is a higher view and a cooler breeze. More and more tired you become, but you're almost there. For some reason that only makes the desire to give up stronger. I've never understood that. Suddenly little huts start popping up and livestock. Children playing soccer on a dusty pad ontop of the mountian have a goal made of two metal bars set. The keeper has his chore cut out for him because if he misses, it's a long way down to get that ball back. The kids stop and soon everyone immerges from their little plots of land to see the white strangers, but they're happy to receive their guests. Lemonaid... or whatever it was. We weren't suppose to drink the water even if it was fresh squeeze lemonaid, but not only would it have been rude to refuse, but it was cool and we were hot. The results of our decision meant nothing over the opportunity to receive such a blessing.

Everything about that hike was exactly what life is like. Everything about that hike was exactly what college is like. I'm nearing the end and all I can think about is fighting off the temptations of giving up. I've come so far and it's starting to get cooler and I can see signs of life to come, but I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

Peace and love.

Injuries

Should have worked on some homework tonight, but I didn't. I need to stop watching tv. I was going to play ultimate frisbee at vanderbilt tonight, but I've injured my foot. It happened a few weeks ago and it still hurts. I think I might have a hair-lined fracture on that bone that connects my big toe to my ankle. I need to stay off of it for a while but I have a few games to play this week. Maybe I can just take it easy when I play, but at the same time, I don't want to get in anyone's way. I always get caught up in the moment of the competition. I feel like if I don't give 110% I'm just going to be in the way so I just push it out and bare the pain. Then I end up hurt again.

Well, I have to cut this short. The guys need to restart the internet router cuz the fellas upstairs can't get any signal from the wireless.

Peace and love.

New Songs

I've loaded two new songs up on my Myspace account. Check em out if you want. I have three as of yet, but I'm not sure if I'm done with the other one. These two I'm pretty much at a stand still with though. Hope you enjoy.

BTW the link to the site is on the right-hand side of the screen. It's called "My Music" if you haven't figured that out already. Peace and love.

Before the Jump

The weekend is over. Not much of a weekend for me. I still have classes all day on Saturday, but only one more week of that and I'll be done. I'll hopefully be taking up more hours with work when I'm done. It's been pretty hard surviving on a day a week less income. I'm glad for all of these experiences though. It really teaches you to appreciate the value of a dollar.

As far as classes are concerned, times have been better. I'm still struggling with motivation. I feel so concentrated on my job opportunities that it's hard for me to pay attention at all in my classes. I'm struggling with things that I should be finding pretty simple.

Now I have a few plans as to how I can pick myself up again. First off, I'll be trying to go to the park whenever the weather is nice enough just so I can sit and study without distractions like TV and the internet. Second, I'm going to be keeping more busy. I find that whenever I have free time I tend to slack off beyond recoverability. I need to find more quiet time to study and concentrate rather than bask in the cold glow of the television.

I've been thinking a lot about the future, about picking myself up and moving again. I have more peace about it than before. It has been mind blowing how rapidly doors have been closing left and right here. I'm excited to try myself out in a new setting. I'm excited to see what I'm worth. Here, things are coming to a quick close. I'm trying to keep any more negative situations from rising up. I want to leave with good memories. I want my dominating thoughts here to be good ones. It's getting harder though. Things happen that I don't like and I find myself restraining from any action which is against my nature. But perhaps it is good that I spend some time exercising restraint. It can only lead to clarity of mind in the midst of future adversity.

It's getting to be that time of year again. I generally take a huge survey on what I've become in recent time. It's like a soulful census. As always, I'm both proud and ashamed. There are certain traits about me that I've taken on that are positive, and others that are negative. It's a huge transitional phase in life again though. So do I think I can pull through?

I do. I know there are things about me that I'm going to have to adjust. I'm glad to do it. I don't find anything wrong with making slight accomidations. If anything I've learned in college it's that in social settings, we really aren't much more than what other people preceive us to be. The difference between college and high school though, is that I know now that I have a say in that perception. Before, I felt like nothing more than what other people expected of me. I was a pleaser. I did whatever was in my power to make everyone around me happy. When I came here three years ago, I was the only person I knew. That means that I had no one around me to define me, so I was about to learn what I perceived myself to be. What is a chameleon's true color? It's been an interesting ride and I know myself a great deal better. My weaknesses are identified and my faith feels more real.

I feel sturdy now. I still try to be pleasant around other people. Again, I think it's fine to make accomidations, but not always. You have to KNOW what you believe and who you are to make a worthwhile stand on any subject matter. You have to know those things to lead as well. I feel imperfect, but I feel satisfiably dissatisfied in that knowledge.

I'm ready to turn 23. I'm ready for whatever that means. I don't think I'm quite to the point yet to where I would start denying my age, but I'm feeling a few more aches and pains that I didn't before. I'm getting older and I'm still positive about it is what I'm trying to say. I'm overanxious though. I just want to move on. It's those few moments of contemplation, doubt, and confidence that fill ones thoughts just before they jump out of an airplane over a battlefield. I'm there right now and I've convinced myself to face the casualties of war for the sake of progression.

Peace and love.

A Day of Celibration

Who would have thought that on the day of my 500th post I would also be an uncle. That's right! Josiah Thompson was born today to Grace and Josh Thompson at 9lbs 7oz and 22 inches. That's a big boy! Grace had some complications during birth, but they performed surgery on her and she seems to be doing well, though I haven't talked to her yet. I did talk to Josh and I could tell there was a lot going on in his mind. He does a great deal better at communicating with a busy mind than I do. I'm really excited, though I won't get to see the baby until over Easter.

I'm contemplative right now, this being such a huge milestone and all. 500 posts isn't 500 words or even 500 pages. I've probably got close to over a thousand pages typed by now! But I've been thinking about when I started up until now and what's going to happen in a few months. I'm nervous and excited and all of those great things. I'm sad that I have to pick up and leave, but I'm getting ready all the same. I'm looking at several different job opportunities and I'm considering what I'll do with salary pay. That's exciting.

I'm also frustrated. My mind feels so full of information I just don't think I can learn anything anymore. Maybe it's because I'm taking almost 25 hours of classes a week this month. That's a sure burnout if you ask me.

I would make this journal longer, but I'm working on a new song as well and I'm listening to it right now and it seems like it needs a little bit more work. I'll try to get em posted in a few days if I like where they go.

Peace and love.

Future Contemplation

So it turns out that I survived the week. It was a rough one, but it's over. I'm glad it's over. This week I don't really have much of an idea as to what is going on. I'm glad. I really don't like knowing what I'm going to do all of the time. I'm sick right now though. It might be food poisoning or horrible horrible allergies, but my stomach is really complaining pretty loudly about something.

Friday night in class I got caught off guard. My professor asked me what my dream job would be. I sat there... and sat... and sat some more. I had a puzzled look on my face, that kind of face that you make when you mentally leave the room in order to retrieve something important. I couldn't think of anything. I was disappointed in myself and a little surprised. I lost my dreams. Everyone was looking at me like they were surprised too. I'm the kind of person who should have a dream. I have the ambition and the charisma to achieve anything I put my mind to. I should have a dream. I don't though. I've never been able to find one. It feels like I'm going to end up the guy who "settles" for what he can do well. I guess no one grows up wishing they could be a paper-pusher or a desk jockey. They might have had dreams or they might not have, either way they settled for what they knew they could do instead of reaching for something uncertain and more beautiful.

I'm a romantic at heart. That means that I have a passion for every part of my life to be larger than life. I'm a visionary who walks into a room and sees the things that could be made better and works hard to make it happen. But it's one step at a time. I've never looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Years from now I'd like to be _____."

I'm also a strategist. I think in terms of taking action while minimalizing risk. It's not a scientific train of though really, but more of a sensing, on-the-fly judgement. I think my lack of long term planning is a result of my feeling of confinement in doing so. Parallel to this is my lack of commitment to one thing. What if I find something better but I've already made a commitment to this other thing? Strategic thinkers are opportunists and find it hard to be tied to one train of thought.

In relationships I think that such a line of thinking is bunk. You might just be able to, and in all probability you will find someone "better" if you look/wait long enough, but what about time? I think it's best to find someone who you can grow with, realizing their faults but failing to see them. You see that person as the best because of this insane emotion called love that teaches you to unite with others through the honesty of yours and their weaknesses.

After giving this some thought, maybe I'm the kind of guy who doesn't really need a dream. Mitch told me that he and I would never have to worry about success after college because we're both men of action. It's a rarity these days. More and more college students, upon graduation, bounce from restaraunt to restaurant instead of using their education. I will do something and more than likely it will end up being big. I didn't come to college with the intent on becoming an RA, a member of the Community Conduct Board, or a president of a fraternity. I merely was given the opportunity.

Well, I'm ready to get to the week. I've done a little sorting and I'm feelin good. Peace and love.

Still Not Much to Say

Arg... This week is almost over, and tomorrow is the turn of tides. I'm so stressed out right now! I've got a physics exam, a macro economics exam, and a benefit concert to throw together and coordinate all tomorrow. Then on Saturday I have a class to go to from 9-5 and when I get home there's going to be a huge party. I'm not a fan of huge parties.

I just want to go to a lake or something and sit for a while, maybe read a book that I actually want to read instead of assigned text. I want to write more music and record. I want to do some heavy work and try to get more resume's out so that I'll have more work options after graduation. I want all of these things, but deep down I know that even if I had them I wouldn't find the satisfaction. I know deep down what I must do, but I'm so easily distracted. Maybe I'll wake up early in the morning to get set off on the right foot. Peace and love.

Yammer

I'm trying my best to pick things up a bit before the semester ends. It's so heavy and I have to keep reminding myself that it's almost over. I'll finally be able to narrow down my train of thought a little bit. I'm feeling pretty burned out still. I've got projects and tests and all sorts of obligations to tend to this week and next. Only a few more weeks. It'll go by fast.

I wrote a new song last night and recorded it today. I'm not done with it completely, but I like it. I haven't really even named it yet, but I'm waiting until I get everything finished.

I don't know why I'm writing. My head isn't completely in this right now. I'm just yammering on... I have work in the morning. Peace and love.

Park Day

I attacked it head-on today. I had the opportunity to allow myself to feel swamped, but I didn't take it. Instead of laying around and doing nothing, I went to the park, bunkered down, and did homework for several hours with Natalie who joined me about two hours into it. It was just an all-around beautiful day. I think I could work much better if I just went to the park on days where I had nothing going on and I sat and soaked it all in.

Well then... I have work in the morning.

Peace and love.

Friend Conversation Part I: The Casual Friend

Parties are a good thing, but I'm finding myself in a different corner of the room these days. I was thinking about it tonight at a party I went to at a church that I didn't regularly attent. Everybody was having a great time, and that was awesome, but I feel different about parties. I don't know if I just don't like them anymore, or what my reasoning may be, but I'm going to hash it out on paper right now and try to figure it out.

From middle school through high school, I was always trying to be the center of attention. I was planning parties and over time I learned how to do it well and get people involved. When I got to college, I just stopped. I didn't want to go to parties anymore or meet people in large quantities. I think some of my reasoning might be related to acceptance. I don't care about being accepted anymore. I've moved to a higher level on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. All I want now is substance. I want to be around a few set people I'm close to who I feel confident that we can either A.) Have substantial conversation, or B.) Just relax and do whatever without feeling like we have to get to know eachother at a surface level. I might be a jerk or something, but I just don't feel like getting to know new people anymore. I don't feel the need to because I am content with the people I do know and am friends with.

(I start getting really cynical after this point... so if you're in a good mood, just warning ya.)

The substance part is really important to me. I think it always has been. If I'm friends with someone for an extended period of time and I can't seem to have a worthwhile conversation with them about the deeper values of their heart and their philosophy on life, I tend to hold them at a distance. They remain at a level known as "casual friend". I'll write the next few journals on levels of friendship and how I preceive them, especially by conversation. This is the conversation I might expect to have with a casual friend.

-"Hey, how's it goin?"
-"Oh, pretty good. You?"
-"Doin good."
(This part of the conversation is a bold faced lie, but very few people know a better way to break the ice with a casual friend or just an acquaintance. The topics of conversation are strikingly similar between the two. A conversation started out like this might not be intended to, but does indeed scream "I'm not interested in what's going on in your life, but I figured it would be socially crippling for me to just outright snub you." In my case, and yes I do admit my faults here, I might start a conversation like this because I don't feel like doing the investigative conversational work to figure out what's really going on inside the other person's needs/wants list, or perhaps I'm just in a daze, not in the same room with you mentally. Anyways, let's continue.)

-"So... what's goin on with you?"

(Here's the dropline. This is make or break time. When this question is asked the inquisitor is usually opening up to get a little more in depth with the conversation, but they're leaving it up to what you dish out. Are you going to get really serious with them or are you scared to hell of actually baring yourself to someone else? It honestly might be a legitimately based trust issue or maybe just paranoia on your part, either way, you're still the determinate as to the direction of depth in conversation if asked this question.)

-"Not too much, just _____"

(Insert lame broad task that makes you seem as generic and boring as possible so that the other person will catch the hint and draw the conversation to a close because you're obviously not interested in talking right now. You're too busy or, perhaps, untrusting to be relational. The conversation can, however, be redeemed if the inquisitioned inquires the inquirer ((?))...)

-"What about you?"

(Hmmm... maybe they are interested in you but they don't feel like what's going on in their life is worth talking about, or maybe it's still a trust issue... who knows. Let's find out. We'll test it out by sharing something deeper than expected... What happens?)

-"Wow, sounds _____ ...."

(Nope, they're not interested, they're just culturally programmed to be shallowly curtious, but aren't we all? So take it with a grain of salt and end the conversation.)

-"Well, it was good to see you. Have a good one."

(It's good to end the conversation with "Have a good one." It's pretty much the most generic thing you can say and they can interprate it however they want, so it can't go wrong.)

Again, this is a common conversation with a casual friend. Casual friends can be categorized simply as people you know whom you are not enemies with. The casual friend precedes the midline friend. Most of us understand, though, that such a conversation can occur with any catagory of person including begrudged enemies, but it's frequency is the important thing. If you know people who you only reach this level of depth in conversation with, chances are they're a casual friend.

Sorry for being so cynical.

Peace and love.

Spring Productivity

I'm getting a little bit more productive, but I'm still having pretty bad dreams. Last night, in particular, I had two bad dreams at the same time where I existed as a seperate entity in both dreams. I don't know how I could even think like that, but that's what happened. I just remember being so confused and torn that I stopped in both dreams and yelled at myself to wake up.

So I woke up this morning. Mitch was asleep on the couch. He didn't mean to, but he fell asleep here last night. We cooked breakfast and then went to the gym to work out. It was good to have a gym partner. I haven't had a real hard workout for a while becuase I don't have someone standing behind me punching me in the kidney if I slack off. After that I got pretty productive. I went and I worked on selling sponsorships for a benefit concert the fraternity is holding for a school that teaches poor children music lessons. It's difficult. I find it hard to convince people that it's important for their business. That's all a business person thinks about. Is this good or bad for my business? It's good, trust me.

When I got home I ate a pretty big lunch and then passed out for about two hours on the couch. I woke up and Viking came home and we walked to McDonalds and got dinner. Then we came back and we watched our show. During that this guy knocked on the door. I think I scared the crap out of him because Matt was going to open it without looking and I slammed the door closed again. I grew up in a neighborhood where you just don't do that. After I slammed on the door I looked out and this small guy was standing there with a frightened look on his face. I opened the door and he mentioned in broken english that he got locked out of his house up the street and he needed to use the phone. We let him come in and hang out until his landlord could come by and let him back in. His name was Gerald and he was here on a scholars program from France. Funny how things happen.

Finally, I'm almost done my pet project for the week. I've been engineering one of my friend's senior recitals. It's about an hour long of percussion instruments of all sorts including the marimba and vibraphone. I've never worked with any of these instruments too closely before, sot it has been interesting to mix, but I think he'll like it better than the recording the school provides for recitals. Mine will be done sooner too. I went above and beyond the school's methods because they just set up two room mics and go. The problem with that is on the marimba you can't really hear the attack of the mallet at all, and that's part of the beauty of the instrument. So I set up two room mics and two close mics for the marimba and the vibraphone and it sounds pretty good. I just finished mastering it and I'm printing it to disk right now.

Well Imma go to bed. Peace and love

Writing With Nothing To Say

I'd feel pretty good if I had something to write about right now... I'm just going to warn you. I'm bored and I'm writing because I have nothing better to do. This is going to be one mixed up journal (probably).

I started reading poetry last night. It's a book, over one hundred years old, called Bryant's Poems. I picked it out becuase it looked really old. I know I shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, but my shallowness has proven quite rewarding in this instance. I have discovered that this author's preception of life is quite similar to my own. He highly values the same things that I do, only he doesn't do much thinking about love. I figure he must have been rather old when he wrote them which would explain his lack of iteration on such a topic. I know the elderly still value love, but most of the older people I have spent time with hold their amazement towards nature and the beauty in the things they may have taken for granted in life. Bryant speaks about nature the same way I think about it. He uses King James language, but for me that only adds to the flavor.

I'm working out really hard these days. I'm also taking suppliments to put on the pounds. Basically I'm on a 4000 calorie a day diet. I've been doing this for over a week now, and I don't have a single extra pound to show for it. I seriously believe that my body's possibility of containing a rip in the space-time continum might not be completely outlandish. I'll just keep working out and taking those nasty milk-shakes until something happens. If not, I shall bost owning the world's most perfect strand of DNA (as far as weight stabalization and metabolism is concerned).

Well, some friends are coming over. I'm gunna go now. Peace and love.

Iron Out

Hmmm... I've been doin a whole lot of nothing for the past few days. Can't quite complain about that. I'm running through an introverted "recharge" phase right now though, and that seems to raise a few eyebrows with my friends here and there, but I don't judge them for their lack of understanding. I'm in need and I can't quite put my finger on it, so I've been feeling confused and doing weird things that I normally wouldn't, but I also have been working out on a regular basis, and that has helped keep me on a more level keel.

I'm really getting bored watching movies all the time. That seems like all I do when I don't have anything to do. I try to write music sometimes, but it just doesn't come anymore. I think my confidence is shot. I don't think very highly of the music I write. It's sorta like having a really ugly baby. I love it and I always will, but I wouldn't expect anyone else to... I know, I know, pretty bad analogy, but it's the best I could do.

So this week... I have work and at the end of the week I have class. I'm going to work hard for the sole purpose of smothing out the rest of the semester. I need to be on top of my game, do the best I can to just hold on a little bit longer. It's hard because you have to postpone your dreams to deal with the crap that you're in now. I've been doing that for too long and I'm breaking. After all these years I've been under pressure after pressure, but I've not broken until now. I'm glad I finally know my limits.

Peace and love.