Sharp and Dull

I'm experiencing a clarity presently that I've never really experienced before. Maybe it's just been the subject matter I've discussed with different friends over the weekend, or maybe I've hit a maturity growth spurt. Either way, I feel different.

This weekend I pulled more studio time than ever, but it is the last of it. I participated in a grand total of four studio sessions. That adds up to about 16 hours of studio time in three days. To put that in to perspective, If you were to grow up in studio time instead of world time, you would probably only live to age seven. Your hair would gray at birth, you would have serious stress problems, and you would have whitnessed the failure or more equipment than most people could afford. Needless to say, I'm pretty tired right now.

But I can't slack off now. I have to finish this semester strong. I have lots to do tomorrow, some of which I added to my own plate, but most of which I don't really mind doing. I figure once I'm done with accounting, everything else will slip by with ease and I'll have more time to be playful.

I suppose I should elaborate on my clarity a bit. It all started last night when I was talking to Mitch about relationships and where I'm at. I was explaining what I learned about the vicious circle of a man's loosing his confidence. The rejection from women causes man to loose confidence and, in turn, women reject men because of their lack of confidence. You really have to find a way to break out of that circle, and this is how. You have to stop and take value in yourself before you face them. You have to be capable of rejecting if need be. It took me a while to realize that I had value. Outwardly I would blame my failed relationships on the other person because that was what society expected, but in my deepest place, I blamed myself. That's wrong. Sometimes it is the other person's fault. That's not to say that you should cast blame on others, but if you take blame for everything, it is because you have no value in yourself. You will start to feel sorry for yourself, and you might just end up with someone who will make you feel miserable for the rest of your life because you couldn't see the initial warning signs, and/or you wait around for them to pass through that "phaze". It doesn't happen that way. To be above that circle of gain and loss of confidence, you have to find confidence in yourself, not in what women see in you. Careful though. Don't slip into the other extreem. Don't find too much value in yourself to where you become an introspective and judgemental jerk. The world harbors too much of that mentality as it is.

So on with the clarity story. After that conversation, I went to bed and had the strangest dream. I was walking through this crowded building trying to make my way outside. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman who I deeply cared about in the past. She seemed glad to see me, but more so. Her blue eyes spoke more of a want for me than just a "good to see you" expression. I remember them being very blue and glazed with tears. She wanted to hold me. It was something I had waited for for a long time, but what did I do. I stopped, looked at her, and then turned to look at my direction. I left her standing there crying and kept on walking with focus and no remorse. I then walked out of that seemingly gothic building and into a desert of ice. There was nothing in sight as far as the eye could see except for my guide. He was all wraped up in winter clothing as I was, so I couldn't see his face, but as I walked behind him, all around I noticed frozen dead bodies protruding rigidly out of the snow with fear carved into their blue frosted faces. I did not know where we were going, but I knew that very few people had ever completed the journey, but I didn't care. I felt like I had nothing to loose.

So then I woke up to that awefull shrill of an alarm. I went to church with Matt and on the way he was telling me of a weird dream he had. He was apprehending a demon who was out to hurt someone. I ended up joining his party and I caught it and gave it to him and he gave me this small figure that rested on the head of the demon of a woman in a blue dress kneeling in prayer. I left the dream then and he went to destroy the captured demon in some sort of church water. Yeah, Matt's dream was a little weirder than mine, I must say.

But I think my clarity comes from examining the value I have in myself now as opposed to what it used to be. I don't feel compelled to impress people anymore. If they aren't impressed by who I am just being me, than they won't be and that is fine. I feel like I can make better judgements and quicker decisions. My senses are even sharper than usual. I've been able to smell better, notice more visually, and distinguish and hear sounds better. For the first time I feel like I'm balancing ten spinning plates on my arms and head, but I could take three or four more. It's one of those feeling that you just hope lasts and doesn't die out the next day. I'm also excited to go to sleep and dream again.

My only desire right now, though, is to gain some sort of a mentor. I think I'm going to find a wise someone in my church who I can meet with once a week and share my most personal physical, soulish, and spiritual struggles. Despite what I may portray to those around me, I really don't have it all together at all, and I think I need someone to share that with.

So here I go. I shall have a few sweet moments of sleep and hit the floor running tomorrow. Am I ready? I don't know. Reguardless, I suppose we are all about to find out. Peace and love.