Sunset on the Dock

I don't have much time to talk right now. I'm at a hotel in Morehead City and they have a 30 minute guest time limit. Why am I here? I've been working on a job with my dad down here for the past two days. We are installing a floor on a beach cottage just off of the sound. Behind the small one story house is a 500 foot dock with an amazing view. For the past two nights I have seen the most amazing sunsets from that dock. If you could close your eyes and immagine two shorelines streatching out in front of you like arms streatching to the sky but the hands don't quite connect. Between the hands is the ocean, and just above that, the setting sun. The whispy clouds are painted gold and red and orange and green as the sun lowers into the outstreatched hands. The water is painted a glassy color whith random birds scattered about. Those are the kinds of sunsets I've been seeing for the past few days. They're the kind that make you think about life, where you've been, and where you are going. They're the kind that push you into the presence of God as if to say, "This is the closest to heaven you will ever be while still out of the grave." So here are my thoughts.

I've been out of control a few times, which is generally healthy. I've been involved in situations that haven't exactly had "tv endings". That is also healthy. It's a casual reminder that life doesn't work the way we want it to all the time... not even some of the time... mostly it just works on its own. But what can I say about that sunset and the music I was listening to at the time? I have made close friends with Sufjan Stevens during the past few days. His music is truly inspiring and beautiful.

I haven't written much over break though... partly because I don't have the internet at home, but that doesn't mean that nothing has happened. I feel a little more like sharing about myself unlike the last journal. Someone asked me why I do it, and that got me to thinking... I suppose it's because I don't have much shame for who I am. I know I'm messed up, but in my world, acknowledging the existence of mistakes and ugly only makes beauty that much more beautiful. I don't feel like covering things up (unless it infringes upon someone else's personal space) is necessary.

But if one thing I have come to see over this break is that maybe I could do something wiht my music. Lots of people have enjoyed my latest stuff, and I'm seriously thinking about kicking it into overdrive and throwing it out there. I've never been the one to seek fame, but I do seek adventure.

So what can I say for the way I feel now? I feel pretty stressed out. You ever think "What if I missed out on a sweet friendship with someone over greed?" I'm thinkin that right now. It's all in the other person's court though, and I'll probably get what I deserve, which is nothing but a lesson well learned. Things don't work like they do on tv folks.

For the rest of the break I'm going to relax, get some small stuff done, maybe write some new music, give up control and get my motives straight before I start the next semester. I promise that one of these days my head will fit on straight, but until then... have a wonderful day. Peace and love.

I had a journal written out and almost posted. It was long and deep, but then I thought "I'm really tired of revealing myself to strangers right now."

Rain, No Snow

Well, here I am, still as anxious as last night. I couldn't sleep for hours, so I watched a movie. At three in the morning, when the movie was over, I was still too unsettled to sleep, so I had to just lay in bed for a while until I was tired enough. The funny thing is, I had a dream that I woke up and looked out my window and saw that it was snowing, but when I did actually wake up I went to my window just like I did in my dream, it was only raining. I like cold rain about as much as I like math...

Today I felt no better than last night. I felt driven but confined at the same time. Not sure what that's about. Maybe it's exams? Maybe it's not something but someone? I wish I knew because I would deal with it, but this is something beyond my control. Speaking of which, I'm hungry, and I can't do anything about it right now because it is late and I have no food in my room. Booo. I'm watching another movie though. Maybe I'll go to bed earlier tonight, who knows. What I do know is that it will be harder to know what to do tomorrow than today. I atleast had one class today to bide my time, but tomorrow I have nothing. I could do laundry I suppose. Maybe I'll study some before Monday. I could even read if that's what it comes down to. Reguardless, I've gotta get out of this weather and these situations that have come upon me. I'll see what I can work out in the morning. Peace and love.

Santa Claus vs. The Dark Ninja

Today was the fight of fights. Today, the Dark Ninja challenged Santa Claus to a fight and was defeated. I gotta say, it was alot of fun. I was a bit nervous about climbing that tree because I was in socks and it was a long drop to hard cement if I fell, but alas, I maintained balance and grip. I think it turned out really well, and we got it on tape so we can watch it for years to come, but it was by far surpassed the Viking/Easter Bunny fight last year in complexity. Attendance was a little lower, but everyone who came out really enjoyed the show, and that's all that matters to me.

The rest of the day went by nicely, though the fight wore me out pretty good. I took Matt with me to Playground to help with a session set up, and he got to meet Jimmy, my boss. When time came to set everything up, we did it and we did it quickly and flawlessly. Jimmy was so impressed, he gave Matt a company t-shirt. We got nothing but compliments from the staff and the musicians, and even the Head Engineer gave us a compliment, and he's not one to hand out compliments often. I felt really good about that. Makes me think that my education isn't going to waste.

After that, I played pool with Matt and then took a nap. When I woke up, we all went out to dinner, and here I am now, sitting satisfied. I'm anxious though, and again, I can't quite place it. It also hasn't helped that I've not been able to relax at all in the past few days. I have a constant feeling like I should be doing something, and I just can't sit back. I'm also worried about one of my friends who has been sick for a while. It's that sort of helpless worry you get when you know there's something wrong, yet there's nothing you can do to lighten the load. I hate that... Now that I think about it, you know what my problem is? It's my "do it all" mentality. I'm guilty of never asking for help for anything. I see everything as a challenge, and if I can't do it myself, I see it as a failure. I still haven't learned to let others lend a hand. I think I just carry so much weight, that eventually I break down and have to take time to regroup. Maybe I'm on the verge of that now. Maybe I need to learn how to let other people "in" a little bit more. That's easily said, but where does a guy like me start? Whatever... I'm going a bit too far for public reading material.

I'm looking forward to a possible snow tonight though. I might just go out and watch a little bit of it fall before I sleep, but I'm not positive if it's coming. Nothing is falling as of now atleast... ahhh, but I can still hope can't I?

Hmmm... I need to write a song now. Peace and love.

Learn This Well

Just when you think you've got it all in consideration, that's the first indicator that you're missing something. Peace and love.

Sharp and Dull

I'm experiencing a clarity presently that I've never really experienced before. Maybe it's just been the subject matter I've discussed with different friends over the weekend, or maybe I've hit a maturity growth spurt. Either way, I feel different.

This weekend I pulled more studio time than ever, but it is the last of it. I participated in a grand total of four studio sessions. That adds up to about 16 hours of studio time in three days. To put that in to perspective, If you were to grow up in studio time instead of world time, you would probably only live to age seven. Your hair would gray at birth, you would have serious stress problems, and you would have whitnessed the failure or more equipment than most people could afford. Needless to say, I'm pretty tired right now.

But I can't slack off now. I have to finish this semester strong. I have lots to do tomorrow, some of which I added to my own plate, but most of which I don't really mind doing. I figure once I'm done with accounting, everything else will slip by with ease and I'll have more time to be playful.

I suppose I should elaborate on my clarity a bit. It all started last night when I was talking to Mitch about relationships and where I'm at. I was explaining what I learned about the vicious circle of a man's loosing his confidence. The rejection from women causes man to loose confidence and, in turn, women reject men because of their lack of confidence. You really have to find a way to break out of that circle, and this is how. You have to stop and take value in yourself before you face them. You have to be capable of rejecting if need be. It took me a while to realize that I had value. Outwardly I would blame my failed relationships on the other person because that was what society expected, but in my deepest place, I blamed myself. That's wrong. Sometimes it is the other person's fault. That's not to say that you should cast blame on others, but if you take blame for everything, it is because you have no value in yourself. You will start to feel sorry for yourself, and you might just end up with someone who will make you feel miserable for the rest of your life because you couldn't see the initial warning signs, and/or you wait around for them to pass through that "phaze". It doesn't happen that way. To be above that circle of gain and loss of confidence, you have to find confidence in yourself, not in what women see in you. Careful though. Don't slip into the other extreem. Don't find too much value in yourself to where you become an introspective and judgemental jerk. The world harbors too much of that mentality as it is.

So on with the clarity story. After that conversation, I went to bed and had the strangest dream. I was walking through this crowded building trying to make my way outside. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman who I deeply cared about in the past. She seemed glad to see me, but more so. Her blue eyes spoke more of a want for me than just a "good to see you" expression. I remember them being very blue and glazed with tears. She wanted to hold me. It was something I had waited for for a long time, but what did I do. I stopped, looked at her, and then turned to look at my direction. I left her standing there crying and kept on walking with focus and no remorse. I then walked out of that seemingly gothic building and into a desert of ice. There was nothing in sight as far as the eye could see except for my guide. He was all wraped up in winter clothing as I was, so I couldn't see his face, but as I walked behind him, all around I noticed frozen dead bodies protruding rigidly out of the snow with fear carved into their blue frosted faces. I did not know where we were going, but I knew that very few people had ever completed the journey, but I didn't care. I felt like I had nothing to loose.

So then I woke up to that awefull shrill of an alarm. I went to church with Matt and on the way he was telling me of a weird dream he had. He was apprehending a demon who was out to hurt someone. I ended up joining his party and I caught it and gave it to him and he gave me this small figure that rested on the head of the demon of a woman in a blue dress kneeling in prayer. I left the dream then and he went to destroy the captured demon in some sort of church water. Yeah, Matt's dream was a little weirder than mine, I must say.

But I think my clarity comes from examining the value I have in myself now as opposed to what it used to be. I don't feel compelled to impress people anymore. If they aren't impressed by who I am just being me, than they won't be and that is fine. I feel like I can make better judgements and quicker decisions. My senses are even sharper than usual. I've been able to smell better, notice more visually, and distinguish and hear sounds better. For the first time I feel like I'm balancing ten spinning plates on my arms and head, but I could take three or four more. It's one of those feeling that you just hope lasts and doesn't die out the next day. I'm also excited to go to sleep and dream again.

My only desire right now, though, is to gain some sort of a mentor. I think I'm going to find a wise someone in my church who I can meet with once a week and share my most personal physical, soulish, and spiritual struggles. Despite what I may portray to those around me, I really don't have it all together at all, and I think I need someone to share that with.

So here I go. I shall have a few sweet moments of sleep and hit the floor running tomorrow. Am I ready? I don't know. Reguardless, I suppose we are all about to find out. Peace and love.

Another Conjecture About Love

I don't talk about love very much, because I usually walk away with this sick feeling in my gut when I do. But something I've noticed here, in this messed up world of higher learning, is that love is one of the most misunderstood and mistreated human atributes that college students face. I was lying in bed just now, drifting off into sleep when I was interrupted and awoken by this blurr of a vision. That's not to say that it was a blurr as in "unclear" because it was very clear, but it was a great deal of information to swallow in a few milliseconds. I'm basically writing this journal to document what I just experienced, and that's it.

The love of a woman is the only thing in life, atleast that I have discovered so far, that you can search your entire life for and not find. Love is more likely slap you in the back of the head than it is to punch you in the face. Love is mutual. It is based on two people being equally selfless to eachother. There is no master between men and women. Your love is not an item that you should leave sitting out for people to come by and inspect like an item at a grocery store. Left like that, it will become used and rotten. Instead, your love is yours until someone comes along who is designed to win it. Until then, it should be locked up and guarded as something incredibly valuable to you. But then, i suppose there are many different types of love. There is the love of friends, the love of family, the love of a woman (assuming men are reading this, women can substatute the word and it will still work), and the love of God. Each of these different types of loves are unique, but similar in that they all come from God and God is love. Therefore, an obedience and love of God would bring light into the understanding of all other forms of love. Other than that, I don't really know much about love...

I've made enough mistakes to know what love isn't. I once convinced myself that I was in love, and that lie stayed hidden for a while. Turns out, I was in love with the idea of being in love. I put all of the traits of spirit and soul that appealed to me into the shell of a girl I dated. The love I had was synthetic and, despite my attempts, was never meant to be. I'm what you would call "thick headed" I suppose. I say that because it took me quite some time to place value on my love and not to just hand it out so easily. Turns out that girl was right when she said "You're not in love with me." It's also a shame that I allowed myself to be damaged for so long because of my ideas of how love sould work. If ever someone tells you some magic formula for love, they should be placed on the same pedistal of idiots who have a magical formula for the stock market. It is easy to buy into that because it makes love seem safe and risk-free, but love isn't safe. God isn't safe. C.S. Lewis said it best through Aslan when he said "I am not safe, but I am good." So we shouldn't walk in pretending like we know what we're doing, but then again we also shouldn't hide from it. Better yet, don't think about it at all. Just let it happen when it happens.

I guess this all has been coming to mind lately after watching my sister and her newlywed husband. She is alot different now than she was three years ago. But they have found love and were patient enough to wait for it. That seems like the best idea. So to those who think they have been stabbed, cheated, and stomped by love, take heart. You will heal. While and when you do, live your life and don't think about what should happen. When it happens, it happens, and you will know.

Peace and love.