My Three Layers

The Deepest: Dreams, Reality, and Spirituality
so why do i keep on goin with no certainty and no return? i just keep takin naps, eatin fruit, and drivin around with my music loud to get it off my head. but i'm pretty stubborn as to not look at the reality of the situation. maybe i just don't want to feel like i've wasted my time. i suppose that's a fair assumption. but why would i do that to myself? why would i bind myself to a situation like this? sometimes i wonder where i would be if none of this ever happened. if by chance i refused those simple thoughts and continued down the road i was on, where would i be right now? it's a tough question to answer, and useless one in that there would be no reason for me to ask such questions now. reguardless, i have done a swell job at ignoring reality. it's funny because usually my dreams consist of fantasy, but lately they have been more real, as if to point it out to me in bold print knowing that i have two choices: either wake up to escape the dream and have no sleep, or accept and face it.

that's not all that's been going on though. i know God is tryin to prod me along spiritually, and i had a good example of that last night in the shower. there was a tiny little ant navigating along the shower wall through the parallous water beads that would well up and slide down both in front of and behind him. if one had hit him he would have gone straight down into the drain, but none had thus far. for some reason though the ant stopped in the middle of all of that and wouldn't move as the beads of water slid down all around him. i mean considering how small he was, these beads of water were huge compaired to him. that's when i was suprised to find myself feeling actual sympathy for him. i felt alot like him in that there is so much here that could take me down in an instant, and often times i just stop right in the middle of it all. then the ant got his head stuck to a bead of water and he started to panic and move all around to get it off but he couldn't, so instead of smashing him like i ususally would, i saved him. i think i've faced similar situations this year already. i get trapped and i can't get free, but God reaches down and manages to get me out somehow. Once free the ant didn't do much more than just sit there again because he was surrounded and had no clear path to get out. so what i did is i marked one out with my finger, but he had no idea. this was an ant i was dealing with. not only could he not see the path i cleared out for him, but he also wasn't intelligent enough to follow it, so he sat there to die. i then went even further to prod him along with my finger until he got the picture, but i don't even think he realized that he was in danger. he just wandered around in the same general area until i finally just picked him up and threw him out. so there i was. wandering around totally oblivious to the path made out for me and the danger that surrounds me. God, has been proding me along lately trying to put me back on to where i need to be, and that's my spiritual story right now.

Middle: Relationships
i will not take my relationships for granted. i'm not perfect, but i know what it feels like to be alone and i also know what it feels like to be taken for granted, and that's why i won't do it.

Outer: Happenings
halloween weekend has been quite the interesting weekend this year. i've done so much and it has really exausted me. thursday night i went to an AST costume party with Catherine. she was dressed as darla and i was dressed as alphalpha. though we didn't get to stay but for thirty minutes, i still had fun. friday was pembroke's haunted house on third floor event that we've been planning for for quite some time. decoration started at two o'clock and we finished the program at around 8:30. let me tell you, scaring people is exhausting, especially when you're job is to hop in and out of trash cans screaming at people passing by, but everybody was awsome at their jobs and it was a huge success i think. it'll probably be something we do again next year. the rest of the weekend has pretty much been spent to recoup. i slept until one saturday morning because i was absolutely exhausted from the night before. just now i woke up from a four hour nap just in time to do all of the work i've been meaning to do all weekend. maybe next weekend will provide a bit more rest, but i don't think so. we're getting close to quarterlies now before thanksgiving break so i strongly doubt i'll be getting much of a rest any time soon. as for now i'm going to get started doing my work... after i eat dinner of course. it's going to be hard getting all of my priorities in line this week, but me being under pressure is probably the best thing for me right now. anyways, hope all is well in your respectable places. peace and love.

Good Day... Probably Good Week Too

i've felt pretty good today. i don't have really too much to say though because it's extra late, but i think for the most part i'm still on schedule. turns out i didn't get much sleep last night though. i had to stay up for the majority of it trying to fight my radiator because it sprung a leak. needless to say, my alarm didn't wake me up for biology, but that's okay because i haven't missed any bio classes yet, so i'm still okay. while i'm talking about maintenance i might as well go ahead and mention that i'm going to have to buy a new car battery. it's just not holding it's charge. i pretty much know that it's not the alternator because i can get a charge built up to last about a day, but if i let the car sit idle for any longer than that, it goes dead. it's not a problem though. that's such a small problem if you consider all that can go wrong with a car, and after the things that would break on my old car, i'm very thankful to just have a bad battery. i mentioned being "on schedule" at the beginning of this journal if i'm not mistaken. that's because i just began training myself to keep a detailed schedule. this means that at night before i go to bed, i have to sit down and plan the next day. to do this i list all of the concrete things i have to do, then considering that, i calculate all of the free time i have and distribute my to do list among those. the to do list can entail anything from napping to tutoring. tomorrow isn't such a bad day though. i figured that i'd better get this down before school comes back up to bite me in the butt. i know it's about too, but maybe this way it won't be so bad.

i suppose all of this pressure lately has broken me into discipline. some people fold under pessure and some people show their best. God understands that i'm one of those who shows their best when pushed hard enough, so i think that's where all of my trials have been coming from lately. spiritually i find myself being challenged to keep a cleaner mindset, which is particualry hard when living in a male dorm with very little regulations. i have to keep coming back to my quiet place and regrouping before i can go out and face everything all over again. it's because my mind is so easily caught up in the chatter of every day life. but this year i am determined to discipline my mind and body.

so what's new then? i was perusing over my latest journals and i've come to realize that most of them have sort of a dark attribute. i don't mean for it to be that way, it's just that whenever i'm having a bad day, that's usually when i feel most inspired to write. that's also why most of my songs aren't happy sunshine songs. in short, i don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. i am joyous here despite my challenges and bad days. these things just happen and are a part of life. we all have to face them so that we can learn to come out on top... again, the fold or thrive principle. i have come to learn that we all have a choice as to whether or not we will be defeated. it's the little thoughts that sneak in that try to convince us that folding is the better choice. those are the thoughts that i'm learning to defeat. so follow my journals keeping that in mind.

so tonight i go to sleep exceedingly happy. i hope it will continue with me tomorrow, but i suppose that all depends on my mindset. speaking of sleep though, i had the weirdest dream last night and a slight coincident today. i dreamt that i was in an elevator and all the sudden it just started falling and i tryed to tell myself to wake up, but i didn't until after it landed. now i don't use elevators too much here, but today i used quite a few as coincidence i suppose. but i was cautious on each elevator, as they have been known to break from time to time. but my day ended not too long ago while i was watching tv and there was a guy that was in an elevator and it just started falling. that's not something you see every day, but i guess i could have. it's just weird that all this happened in one day. i'm glad i'm still alive though and that i didn't plumit in an elevator down four stories in the musci business building, or three flights in the school of music building. yay for being alive! and yay for awsome action packed dreams! i love it when i have dreams that push the threshold of my definition of reality and posibility while still maintaining a sense of clarity throughout. all this talking of dreams has gotten me quite excited to go to sleep... so until we chat again, i bid you all adue. peace and love...

Realizations and Speculations... and oh yeah, WOMEN!

i can't remember when the last time i wrote was... i know it hasn't been THAT long, but still... longer than i'm used to. i have been met with a period in my life filled with trials and realizations of which i have been trying to sort out over the past few weeks. i don't know how to feel exactly. some days i feel absolutely great amidst all of my difficulties, but other days i feel a little more "realistic" about my situation. i have taken some simple steps to get me through this though. first off, i have organized everything in my room. i figure this way there's one less thing to worry about. secondly, i've been making a point to take better care of my body. this includes more sleep, exercise, and better selection/more food. lastly, but the most effective, is i have been taking God a little more seriously than i can admit to in the past. there are things going on in my life that no ammount of reading or mental wisdom can explain, though i'm sure they'd love to speculate. i find myself in a state of stagnace that repulses me. a few years ago i would have been ashamed if i knew that this is what i was going to turn out to be. it's not as serious as some of you may be thinking it is. i must admit i have a hard time searching for tamer words when expressing my spiritual status, but it is serious to me. i am dissatisfied to say the least. there is nothing that gives me satisfaction right now. i have taken a step back and viewed my life from a distance and have come to the realization that the majority of things i have invested in are a waste. they have no spiritual weight and when i die, they die with me. this not only counts for the things i spend time doing, but also the relationships i have built. i want to make one thing clear. there is not a one person i have a relationship of some kind with that i do not love, but i have permited myself to build those relationships superficially. i want people to know who i am in a relationship which is built on more than just good feelings. purpose is something else i have struggled and am dissatisfied with. i can't seem to find it no matter where i look right now, and this is, i admit, the first time this has ever happened to me. i'm not overly worried about it because i know i have one, i just am a little anxious over loosing sight of it.

why has all of this happened to me this year? i'd say most of it has come out of pure distraction. i have bided my time in quite a few fruitless ventures so far. the way i spend my extracarricular time, as well as the things i spend time thinking about have been distractions, and pontless at that. i find that most things i spend time thinking about i have no real control over. alot of the things i say have no real value either. have you ever considered how much you say in a day that has no meaning? i know all of the stuff i've written so far has been extremely scattered, but think of it this way for those of you who are computer savy. when you have alot of stuff on your computer that you don't use, it piles up over time. when you surf the web and don't clean your system for spyware and cookies, it piles up over time. programs that run on your computer that you don't need, take up space. all of these things pile up and take up space after a while and make it seemingly impossible for you to do even the simplest task on your computer. what do you have to do then? you have to go in, find everything that shouldn't be there, and clean it out, leaving only the essentials remaining. that, in essence, is what i'm going through right now. scanning my life for stuff that doesn't belong there, and then getting rid of it.

the last thing i wanna talk about before i go to bed, which is way off topic, but something i need to leave behind on paper is... women. what have i learned about women in the past few years of my life. hmm... let's see here. they're fickle, they don't tell you what's wrong when there obviously is something wrong, they are more-so emotionally based than men but their extreems can be just as destructive and bad as our rational extreems, and the biggest thing i've learned is the only reason men and women can't understand eachother isn't because we are incredibly different because we're not. it's just that we communicate it in ways that we don't understand. but this all in mind, i'm still vigilantly searching. i mentioned some aspects of women that i like in a journal not too long ago, and have considered that topic a bit more and wish to build upon it. i was thinking today about the saying "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." and honestly i hadn't really felt too much truth in that till now. i've had girls bake me sweets and stuff, but i was thinkin that if a girl ever made me a full course meal that was just unhealthy enough to be awsome tasting... i would be owned. i'm serious! i think it's because of my diet here at school. caf food vs. home cookin is no contest. it wouldn't have worked at home though. i have mom at home to cook me meals, but here at school it would work like a charm not just for me, but for all of the male species. what power women could hold over men if the culinary arts returned to our society! be afraid mankind... be afraid. but secondly and more seriously, i want a woman with a servant's heart. i want someone who works hard at what they but not just because of the praise they will recieve. i want them to work hard as if they were working for the Lord. i also think it's important for us to understand eachother in this sense. just because i'm the man, doesn't mean i'm doing what i do just to put the woman down or in submission because "men are better than women." seriously, that's an argument i recall having on the playground in kindergarten. but there are just things that i know i can't do that women can't do, and vise versa. it's not a better than issue, but i'm going to be with someone who feels the same way, not someone who is going to try to out-do me at everything i do just to prove a point. i think the biggest thing i'm looking for right now though, is someone i can just be myself around. someone who i don't feel like i have to act a certain way to please. i know from experience that acting gets tiring after a while and then the relationship goes out the window. right now though, i'm going to try to go to sleep. that's going to be hard though considering that there's a drunk-sounding guy outside my window playing guitar and singing really loud. i think i might go out there if he doesn't stop soon... anyways, peace and love.

It's Okay to Cry Sometimes

i made a vow long ago never to cry in public, and i have yet to break it. i haven't cried in almost four years, but i guess i've started fresh. don't ask me why. i won't tell you. this one of the few things in my life that i'm not going to tell anyone if they ask me. the ones who know know, and that's it. i don't know why i'm even writing this journal. maybe it's because i think it will help in some stupid and secret way. who knows. it's going to be a short journal though. i'm too weak to type right now. i'm too weak to sleep. but the world does not stop in the face of tradgedy. we must perservere. there is no letting up. life is often times relentless and we must face it like everyone else. it would be foolish to think i were the only one to suffer. my suffering is nothing compaired to many. but to me it is real. whether one man is burned alive and another man shot, they both have this in common: both of them have never felt greater pain. certainly one hurts worse than the other, but who is to tell them that. the definition of pain comes through experience. you cannot know pain unless you experience it. you can guess at it when you see it in others. you can talk about it's meaning around a fire. but pain only becomes truly real to you when you experience it, and when you have felt your greatest pain, that is a new definition set aside from a cut finger or a scraped knee. those are merely discomforts now. pain has become something new to you. but let us press on. let us find a way to endure this world. we are pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. this is our promise from God: He shall never forsake us. never before have i ment these words more than i do now... peace and love...

The Fundaments of a Storm

so tonight there is this amazing storm blowing through nashville. i love storms like these... they truly are a display of God's amazing power. but this storm seems to be fitting for my current status as well. things are getting turned upside down and i don't know when it is going to be over. i feel tugged in every direction. the wind seems to be picking everything appart that isn't tied down and all i can do is sit back and watch. it's out of my control. or is it? that's not a question that should be answered right now for me. sure there are some things i could do to make the situation a little better, but i don't know what those are. i'm trying as hard as i can to do what it is that i think i must do, but nothing seems to work. such is life though. there's something on the other side. i wonder sometimes if God is just testing me in order to strengthen me or if He's telling me that i need to make some huge alterations in my life. I through time and concentration things will get a little more clear. if this storm doesn't let up soon, it's porobably because i need to do something. anyways, it's been raining all day and i love it. i usually don't like just rain, but this is quite different. when i finally finished my homework the this current storm, which is the worst of them all, just picked up, so i felt the urge to go out and drive in it. i love driving in storms and listening to loud music, especially at night when the lightning lights up the sky like it has been doing. it was magnificent though and i can't stress that enough. i've never seen such beautiful lightning. anyways, after i drove around town for a while, i got back to campus and went into the dorm and everyone was downstairs in the hallway. why, might you ask? because there was a tornado warning. so i took some guys down the the basement and sat with them for a while just in time for a bad headache to kick in. while i was down there i just watched the lightning striking all around and the rain flying sideways through the air. everything was swaying melodically and you look at it and can't immagine something like that being ugly. it is full of power and it is beautiful, much like the way i think God wants us to see Him. anyways, i'm giong to keep this journal short. i have my eight o'clock class tomorrow and i need to get some sleep. it's been so hard for me to sleep lately because i've had so much on my mind. and like a storm it all comes at once, often times with little or no warning. i have had a well of strenght to face it though. thanks to those of you who have been keeping me in your prayers. brittany gets a special shout out for listening to me forever about my situation. she's a great listener and gives very wise advice. thanks brittany. as for everyone else, i shall try to write more often. it's so hard to set aside some time to do this amidst all of the strifes of college. peace and love

The Bitter Sweet Pains of College Living

ouch. i feel like a bucket of used bath water. my body is having a coniption right now because of the stunts i've been pulling. all of these late nights and early mornings seem to be wearing me quite thin. i can take it though. mentally i've still got alot left in me though my physical being isn't quite up to par. i'm right now preparing some chamomile and honey tea for my soar throat. as for my congestion, i'll live, however i think i might cave and take some acetaminophen. i hate taking medicine, and i always have. something about taking a pill just doesn't seem right to me. i like having some sort of a challenge when i get sick. anyways, my immune system is strong, so i think i can handle it, but comparitively this is nothing when you look at the illnesses i've had in the past. this must just be a common cold. it has been rather damp and rainy for the past two or three days, and i must admit that saturday night i ran through the sprinklers in the quad with viking at around 4 in the morning. that couldn't have helped my immune system at all, but honestly i wouldn't trade it for the world. i love all the pressure and disease that come in the college package. it is bitter sweet, but it completes the experience. after all, i'm not going to die or anything. as for actual school work, i have one more test before i'm in the clear for fall break. it is a math test though. the dreaded math test. infact i just got back from meeting with my professor for some tutoring. now i plan on working on math for the rest of the day until two o'clock. that's when i have to take the actual test. i think i might have to skip out of spanish again though, just so i can utalize that time for math studying. of course, i'm not struggling in spanish and i am in math. you really have to weigh your decisions here, but again, i like that. this moment right now is great though. i'm sitting here drinking my delicious tea and listening to one of my favorite classical songs, debussy's clair de lune on piano. i absolutely love this song... you know what i could use right now? some texas pete hot sauce. a tea spoon of that would flush my head right out and i would feel fine in a matter of a few hours. maybe i'll pick up an industrial bottle of that when i go home. texas pete is more of a rarity here, not cheerwine rare, but indeed rare. in all honesty though, i just want to go to sleep right now. i would do anything for but a few hours of slumber. i know i would feel better upon awaking, but that, unfortunately, is not an option for me. no, i must get to work on math. i'll let you know how it goes, but until then, peace and love...

Why Am I Still Up?

why am i still up tonight? everything seems to be right in the world for me at this very moment, so why am i still up tonight? it's because i can't help but look at the trends of my present and speculate on the future. who knows even if there will be a future? that's God's department. i just feel like i'm setting myself up for a big drop. i've had these emotional highs and lows lately, some of which have been very hard to control. and all of these times, whether high or low, i have been confused because i don't know how to handle my emotions very well. i have also been under many great temptations that wish for me to let my moral fabrics slip ever so slightly. it's all good fun isn't it? we'd like to believe that wouldn't we. but we all know that when our morals are sacrificed once for smaller things, they will be sacrificed again later for something bigger. but that doesn't completely answer my question. why am i still up tonight?

i was talking to a local friend just this morning and he confided in me his relationship problems. he told me he was head over heels for this girl, and he was pretty sure she liked him too, but there was one problem. sometimes they would be together and the would have a great time and he would walk away feeling like a million bucks, but then outside of that, at any other given moment, he pays her attention but she pays him very little. this guy, just to fill you in without getting him too mad by revealing his identity (you know the rules of my journal), has alot to give, but i think the girls underestimate him. he's brave, he's wise, he's smart, he's skilled at many useful arts, he's successful, he's a christian, and he ain't all that bad lookin either. he just needs a girl that will cherish him. he needs someone who wants to be with him just as badly as he wants to be with her. the girls he's been with in the past have trampled him, either subconsciously or consciously, taking advangtage of him and giving back nothing in return. i don't really know this girl very well, but i could almost guess that she is suffering from past relationship failures. i would guess that she is afraid to get too involved with this guy because she wouldn't know what to do if she fell for him. that would be an insecurity too great to face. it cuts both ways though. it's not just women. i know men who do the exact same thing and who have the exact same insecurities. i was bitter towards women for a few years due to my past, but that doesn't justify anything. no one said life's decisions would be easy, and often we miss out because we're too afraid to do anything about it.

but mostly i was thinking about the girl cherishing the guy. i can't see a better example than my sister. she calls her boyfriend, takes time out of her day to listen to him when he's feeling down, and she comforts him. she gets him things that he needs but is too frazzled to get for himself. she sacrifices for him, and he does the exact same for her no matter what. that is something that i think all guys desire to attain. yes they want to and will fight and sacrifice for their beauty, but they want her to do the same in a way. maybe not quite as drastic. i don't think guys like being fought for, but they want to feel significant. they want to feel desired. so dude if you read my journal, which i don't think you do, but if you do, don't feel bad about how you feel. you should feel that way because you deserve a girl who will cherish you as much as you do her, but you gotta give it time man. God will reveal to you the direction you need to go and the strength you need to get there, and all you gotta do is trust Him and be willing to take leaps. i can't stress it enough though when i say DON'T RUSH IT. also don't hide behind your pain. give that to God too. don't let the girls in the past ruin you. they should not have that kind of power over you. finally, if you truley believe that God will reveal to you your future wife, and i know that's how you feel, then it will happen in His time and not yours. just be patient man and know that you got folks prayin for ya.

as far as anything else is concerned, tomorrow i have an eight o'clock class so i must be getting to bed. it always feels good to write out my concerns though at the end of an event-filled day, and that is the REAL reason as to why i am still up. i don't like sleeping with things like that on my chest. if i have advice that i feel like i might burst unless i speak it, or i have concerns that might hinder my sleep, it is my greatest joy to transpose those from my brain to paper (electronic or not) at night so that i don't have to think about them anymore. if you read it, hope you enjoy it and can take something out of it. that would be even greater if by some chance my life's experiences were to help someone elses just through reading a journal. also, i don't know if i've introduced you to the little comment thingimabob on my journals. if you are isnpired, angered, blown away, or just plain bored of my journals, then click the comments link at the end of each journal and let me know. i love it when i have some sort of response.

Take Another Breath

this weekend was rather refreshing. it was the type of weekend that i've needed for quite some time now. i had very few assignments to work on from class so that freed me up to enjoy life for once. friday went as soon as it came, and as dog tired as i was from pulling the all nighter the night before, i still ended up attending a humanities pot luck with ethnic foods from all of the different classes. it was really neat to hear all of those different languages in one place. it makes me want to learn to speak more than just two. friday night struck with what i'd like to call a bad omen because some one dared to pull the fire alarm in pembroke at four am! i was so tired that it took me a while to wake up. you should have seen me. i was staggaring about the room like a drunk man, trying to find the alarm so i could hit snooze. then i realized that the sound was coming from out of the door so i went to it but couldn't open it. it was locked and so i started to freak out. it took me about two minutes in this startled state to realize that i possessed the power to unlock the door myself just by turning the latch. it was then that it registered that it wasn't an alarm clock, but the fire alarm. so i jumped into some pants, grabbed my baseball bat and flashlight and commenced to beat all of the doors of my residents to wake them up. then we all hurried out into the cold rain, me being topless, and waited for a clearing from the authorites. i went directly to bed after that and awoke to a gorgeous saturday. my main responsibility saturday was to record all day long with kevin smith (producing) aaron proffitt (bass) zac ervin (drums) and wess pickerin (piano), down in studio a. it was everything i could have hoped for and more, and after that i went to hang out with catherine in hail which was even more great, but the greatness didn't stop! i went back to the dorm and the guys were about to have sauna time which i haven't done since last year and the turnout was fabulous. after that, we went to wendeys at about 2am and then came back to the dorms to sleep at three. sunday morning, none of my rides wanted to go to church because they were tired so i had to stay here on campus. i actually woke up to the power going out though. all of campus lost power this morning due to some accident, but it didn't last long. after that i went to eat lunch, came back and watched some football, went outside to throw some football with chubbs, and then i agreed to house two high school guys for the night because they are here for a singing festival but have no one to stay with. they're here now but not in the room. i think they're out enjoying the "college life" or atleast what they immagine that the college life is. i just finished my taekwondo/tai chi practice and am now sitting down to classical music, green tea, and cup-o-noodles. what a glorious day, even though i still wish i could have gone to church. i've actually got alot to say about church, but i really need to be getting to bed becasue i'm going to have to go back into serious mode come tomorrow, and i'm also on duty tomorrow night so it should be eventful. thanks to all of the folks who prayed for me over the weekend. the decision has been made and i am ever greatful that God has seen fit to spare me anguish. goodnight to all, have a blessed week, and peace and love...

At This Hour... What ISN'T Funny?

hehe, you'll never guess what i just had to do tonight... unless of course you know me at all... see, i've rightfully earned the name from my esteemed colleagues, Procrasti. that doesn't make much sense at first, but that's because that name goes in front of my current name to make a mathematic equation which sums out to be procrasti nate. so now i suppose i'll tell you what i did. the time now is 5:40 in the am. no i didn't wake up that early. i'd have to be crazy to do that. i'd have to be even more crazy though, to stay up all night typing up papers. that's right. come 11 o'clock last night i found out that i had to have my biology paper typed and ready to hand in by today. i hadn't even finished my research yet, so needless to say, i got crackin. it's been fun though, i must admit. i get real quarky when i'm up all night, so much so that i can entertain myself to histarics with the simplest of things. for instance one might never know of my interpretive dance to songs by maroon 5 or bright eyes unless they were to stay the night up with me in the privacy of my room. i was also suprised to find my brethren Georgio and Aaron awake at around 3:45, so i went and gave them a bit of a visit to take a break from the paper. which reminds me... how interesting do you think the human genome project is at 5:00 in the morining? how interesting do you think the process of turning junk metal into gold would be at 5:00 in the morning? it's all the same... it doesn't matter the level of interest at this point, it just matters what time it is. but anyways my body has this wonderful self defense mechanism from real insanity by faking insanity to keep my mind in check. i can still recover and be rational when i need to be, but for the most part, i keep myself entertained. unfortunately this little attribute of mine tends to kick in during math class all the time, making it hard for me to pay attention at all, but i live. speaking of living, i feel dead right now. i feel like i could pass out at any moment my eyes are so heavy. my head is at that bobbing state where it feels like i'm trying to balance a bowling ball (my head) on a tooth pick (my neck). so far though, i've had a root beer, chai tea, a bottle of water, a mr. pibb, and some chocolate to keep me going. all of that is wearing of now. so why am i still awake? i'm done everything that i need to be done with. well, pretty much for two reasons. the first reason is that if i go to bed now, i might not wake up, and even if i did, i'd be so incredibly tired that i wouldn't be able to function for the rest of the day. i'm kind of hoping that i still have an auxillary tank of fuel left over somewhere in the ol system that will kick in in a few hours. the second reason is that i'm thinking of it as a contest. i want to see if i can physically put myself through this and still survive the day. that will be quite the task, but i feel confi... you know what? forget this, i'm going to bed. i can wake up at 10:30, still get fourish hours of sleep, and make it to my first class on time... then after my last class, i'm giong to bed. i'm going to bed and i'm not waking up until desk hours start. that'll be nice. anyway, hope all of you have had a wonderful night sleep last night. i'll meet up with you and tell you about all of the awsome stuff that you missed because you slept if you want me to. other than that, peace and love.