Today was all I could have hoped it would be. I slept in and, though I didn't get as much done as I thought I would, the day was rather satisfying. I played some catch with Aaron and Big Mike earlier which was nice because the weather was great. Tonight was the last night of the semester to see all of the brothers again so we went to Mafiazos to celebrate one last time. It ended up taking us a good three hours to get seated and get our food, but the brotherhood was nice. As for after... a few other guys and I are sick as dogs so that will probably be the last time I frequent that facility. Last night was weird though. After I finished writing my journal I had the hardest time getting to sleep. I was in bed for two straight hours before I fell asleep at four o'clock. I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling wrestless the past few weeks. I can't quite put my finger on it, but maybe I just need a solid vacation. I don't think that's probable though so I'm just going to have to learn to cope with it. Of course, maybe the spring air is getting to me as well. It seems to me that just about every girl on campus who is single is looking for someone right now, which is a little unsettling. I can understand it though because it has been explained to me before. From what I was told by an inside source, women have an extreme pressure to have a boyfriend. If they don't people assume things about them and so on and so forth. This, however, is not a good enough reason for me. I don't know why I'm just noticing it now though. That tends to be a common theme for me. I have my years where I've never noticed certain things before but yet they have always existed. Take the flowering plant wysteria for example. I never noticed that plant until a few years ago. I thought it was some new thing, but turns out I had just never looked up at that time of year before. I think I'm noticing all these things about women lately because I'm in such close quarters with them. I don't just blame women though. Everyone seems to be acting the drama king and queen lately. I think it's an addiction among folks. Whether it be pain or pleasure, endorphines are created which draws us back each time. I feel like some people are difficult on absolute purpose becase they want to feel rejected and alone because they've become addicted to it. They then tend to place a label on everyone else so they can feel like they are, in some way, above everyone else because they feel like they've got everyone else figured out. Now I totally understand that it could be a chemical imbalance, but it just gets me flustered. The whole drama thing is gettin me sickly flustered too because I feel like the only one who isn't involved, and I don't feel like I should feel wrong about that, but you all probably know what it's like to feel like the only one on a side. You start asking questions about who is right and wrong. Fortunately I'm too stubborn for that, though stubbornness isn't one of my best qualities. I'm guilty myself of doing things just to proove that I'm not dependant on others. I don't ever want to feel like a follower, so if I, say, want to go eat and nobody else does, I'll go eat by myself. Of course I've never actually felt like I needed company. Sometimes I feel perfectly fine doing things alone, but for the most part I enjoy company. Doing things like eating or going to the movies alone doesn't bother me though. Eating isn't a social event for me because I can sit and talk to someone all I want without food in my mouth. Watching a movie is the same. I'm not going to be that guy who talks the entire movie because I've payed good money to see it so I'm going to shut up and watch it. What difference, then, does it make if I saw it with someone I know or not. It's not like we are paying any attention to eachother at all. That's why I will never take a date to a movie (supposing that I'm dating to learn someting new about the one I'm with). Movies are things for people who are good enough friends to be able to watch a good movie together and not say anything until afterwards. Silence, to me, can often be the sign of the strongest bond of love and friendship. When I go to visit people who I've known for years and they still treat me like a guest it kinda dissappoints me. I like it when people are real with me. Mabye that's just because of the way manners work in our society. I think the majority of people in our society show manners not because they truly respect the person of their attention, but because they really just want to impress them. The reason I say this is because after being in Africa, I realised that there was indeed a difference. I was eating a meal with two of the local gentlemen who were taking care of us and guiding us around and I noticed that when we were served our meals they didn't eat. Well, I begged them to join us and to eat with us, but they politely refused and said something that I think about all the time. They said "We will not eat until after you eat because we are here to serve you and once everything you desire has been attended, then we will see to our own needs." Wow! How many folks do you know that will say that with complete sincerity. Hospitality has become so fake here. People just follow a bunch of regulations that they learned somewhere in order to impress, not to show respect and humility. Just another tangent though I suppose. I really can tell when someone is being fake with me though, and really well. It kinda ties in with yesterday's journal when I was talking about my empathy. One thing you have to look at when trying to understand someone is their eyes. People can control every feature of their body to display some sort of language. The muscles in the face, the tone of voice, the smiles and frowns can all be shaped, but the eye never looses it's shape. If you look in to someone's eyes when they lie to you, you don't need to be an interrigator to be able to tell that they are indeed lying. It works the same for sincerity. If someone is really glad to see you, their eyes will show it. Now some people can try and throw you off by fake crying, but even that doesn't change the eye except for making it a little red. What I'm talking about is staring straight through the iris into the individuals self. try it out if you don't believe me and see what you find. I'm not the only one like this though. I know plenty of people who feel the same way. I'm not condoning the fact that we should treat people like jerks just because we're in a bad mood and we don't want to be fake. I'm saying that we should strive to be sincere and caring without having to pull out a fake cover up. Is there a way to be truly happy all of the time? By God i should think so. I don't think people would wish to admit that though because if they did, that would display yet another imperfection in their lives that they would rather ignore. Like I said before, being a jerk to people can be addictive. After going over this journal just now and checking for major errors, I realize that I've probably drawn a few boarders between folks and me now, but then again, this IS, after all, my journal that you are reading. You can say whatever you want in your journal and I'll understand. I guess all I really ask is that you put aside all of your initial judgments and theories about me and try to understand me from what I write. I did have alot to vent today for some reason though. Maybe that's why I've been so wrestless for that past while. Whatever it is that is bothering me, hopefully it won't keep me from sleeping tonight which is what I'm going to do right now. Hope you all enjoyed the capitolised version of my journal. have a good night. peace and love...