don't count on me using caps on my journal tonight because i have far too little time to concentrate on that. tomorrow i have my religion exam so that will be fun and good times. honestly i'm not too worried about it, but i was just thinking about how i haven't given as much effort this semester as i did last sememster so my return probably isn't going to be as fruitful. that's a little dissappointing, but i have next semester to pick up my gpa if it suffers too much. i don't expect to do half bad in my classes, but not quite as good as my before. i think the main reason for this is that a good deal of my classes last semester were just your "show up and get an a" classes while this semester they have actually required some sort of mental output. even my math class last semester was pass/fail. i passed that class so i got an a's worth of credit. the day was good though and i'm not complaining. i woke up at about noon and then went about my business. i got my psychology assignment finished and then enjoyed the outside for a little bit. there honestly wasn't much else to do today besides play frisbee and hang out. something weird and noteworthy did happen though. kevin, matt, and i were outside of the music business building in the lounge area drinking our fruit beverages when we noticed something by the door of the building which must hav just flown in to the glass or something. i went over and picked it up and it was a humming bird. i couldn't believe how small it was even though i've seen them before. holding one is just way different. anyways i took care of it until it felt good enough to fly away on its own which it did about twenty minutes later. i did call my (hopefully) future boss to let her know that i'm interested in a position, but i don't know how that is going to turn out. i also went out to eat with the guys to have one last and great hang out session. things after tomorrow are going to start splitting up so we went out for hotwings, rode around in cowboy's girlfriend's convertable for a while with our shirts off and the top down with the music loud, and then had our sauna time when we got back. i'm not going to study for my religion exam tonight though. i'm going to wake up at about ten tomorrow and commence studying because the exam itself is at two. i always do well when the information is fresh on the brain so i think that's going to be my best bet. hopefully i can get some sleep tonight though. the past few nights have been really tough as far as sleep is concerned. i'm just too riled up to go to sleep i guess... i don't really know. this journal is going to be a bit shorter though, as i can't think of anything philosophical to discuss... or can i...

this real world, as opposed to how real we think we have things in high school, is a tough one. i was discussing this observation with one of my friends and fraternity brothers while doing laundry just a short while ago. he was saying how he didn't know what to expect when he went home. he said when he was home for christmas break his friends who had stayed home all thought he was the same guy who left almost a year ago. he said he was almost dissappointed in himself for sliding back in to the guy he used to be doing the stuff that he used to do. i can't say that i haven't thought on this myself. i'm not the same person i was when i left home in late august of last year but i find it easy after a short period of time to slip back in to my childish form. that's what everybody expects of me when i'm there, so why not give it to them? they just don't know what all i've gone through and become through experiences here except what i tell them. on the contrary, no one here knows anything about where i have come from, which makes a large portion of who i am, exept for what i tell them. so do i feel like anyone knows me right now? that idea i do not really dwell upon. i supppose the immediate answer would be no, but i know who i am, and i don't think it's possible for anyone to know you completely besides God, not even yourself. in short, i'm not really bothered by the fact that i'm not completely known. this is where i'm going to have to tell people what to expect of me instead of them just writting there own expectations. that's just part of growning up. here i have become responsible for my affiars. i have become efficiently organised and confident. i have become more intelligent in many aspects of life. something i've noticed at college is that no one, and i mean no one, tells you what to do. initially everything can tend to fall appart depending on your expectations, but reguardless there is like an exchange of ownership of your life from the hands of those who shaped you to yourself. God of course has always given me direction and provided for me, but even in that aspect i have learned that my relationship with God before was partly shared with my parents and friends, but there were certain preperations in that that i am greatful for. now my relationship with God is my own. why and what happens to make this so? i suppose the reason that this all comes to pass is because when you struggle with something like a teaching or a way of life, you have to stand alone or with equals of spiritual build. there is nothing that is more difficult than this, especailly after you have had such a cushy spiritual life before, but you have no more counceling. my chirstian walk as a result has faced a sort of "re-birth". i read and study scripture now and i see and understand its meaning as if i had never read it before which can be both nice and difficult to chew, but it is a necessity. the only way you can maintain a strong spiritual walk just by being told all the time and not venturing in to the wilderness to make it yours, is to cloister yourself away from the rest of the world for the rest of your life. lot's of people do it and they start doing it at college. people fear the world so they seal themselves off from it in their own little "christian bubble". what kind of testimony is that? the truth is that the world is a dangerous place. so much confusion has been unleashed by our society, on our society, that people don't know what to believe, and in so doing they somehow have become content in that and fulfilled the prophecy that the serpant told adam and eve in the garden which was that by eating the fruit, man will become like God. the men and women of today have done just that in a sense. they have convinced themselves and the rest of the world that they are gods. they are gods, however, that cannot conquer death which has them all scared. philosophers try to reason away all truths, but death is an absolute truth that has them all afraid.... i'm side tracking... to make a long story short, this is where we live. when you walk in the mud, chances are that you'll get dirty here and there, and the sun doesn't always shine, but if you persue strenght, God will give it to you. instead of cloistering yourself away or giving up all together, become strong and usefull. thanks for the listen... peace and love...