To Create... Not to Manufacture

i haven't written anything in the past week. that's probably because i've been so busy that i haven't really had time. it has been really hectic trying to get the pool ready to open, but tomorrow all of the preperations will be complete. tonight was also the completion of my recertification for CPR. it's all out of the way and i am tired. this isn't college tired though. mentally i'm as fine as i possibly can be. physically... i'm far less than par. it's good for me though. i've been needing to get back in shape and all of this hot out doors work is really paying of in that aspect. in other aspects, i'm still poverty stricken. i have yet to get my first summer pay check, but it will be quite satisfying when i do. i've been getting home alot earlier these past few nights though... ten and eleven o'clock. i still don't go to bed until one, but i am indeed returning home earlier. the reason being is that i spend so much time on my music. i reached a short slum in my writing, but now it is showing signs of picking back up. i've been recording and playing and writing and singing and going insane. i haven't gotten to the point of writing worship music yet though. i really want to, but it is more complicated than that. for me worship music must be my very best creation. i don't want to offer a song up to God that i manufactured for a demand. i shall take as long as it takes to write the perfect songs that don't say the same thing that all the other worship songs say. i want them to say something new, and in a new way. i think alot of people find something wrong with this, and dealing with other people's dissappointment in me isn't easy, but it is manageable. i would consider it far too easy to just write a bunch of songs that would take advantage of the church and make me lots of money like many "Christian artists" do, but as an independent song writer, i feel compelled to be different and artistic. whenever i am ready, i am ready, and the words will come to me no earlier. right now i'm tired though and i don't think i can stay up... much... lon...ger... ... peace and loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... zzzzzz... zzz... zzzzzzzz...

The Lifeguard Saga Continues

Lifeguarding can be tough sometimes, but with the right training, you can survive with minimal dammage.

you know something, i don't think anybody is reading my journal right now. of course, i don't really mind. it's good for me to put my day out in to writing. in a way, it keeps me... mentaly on top of things. so here is my day today, and maybe one or two philosophical points at the end. today started off pretty ordinarily for summer. i woke up and went to work. i've kinda figured out though that i've been going to work an hour early, so when i got there no one else was there so i went and got some breakfast. i won't be making that mistake anymore. anyways, work today was treacherous primarily because the sun was so hot, and when you work in the hot sun, you get tired fast. keeping this in mind, please understand my two hour nap when i got home. the work that was done doesn't really sound like much though. we swept the deck, scrubbed off the tops of the lifeguard stands, and then painted the lifeguard stands. i think somewhere in there we also managed to get all of the pool ladders out on deck,a and those things are fairly heavy. after my nap when i got home though, it was on to my next primary responsibility which is walking the dog. i took casey in to the park this time, and there was a dog there that had no leash. it was a mut, but i believe it had some pitbull in it, but anyways, we were caught by it's attention. i simply smiled because casey isn't a small dog, and though she is passive some of the time, the one thing she doesn't stand for is some horney dog coming around to sniff her butt. casey has snarled at and bitten rotwilers (don't check the spelling on that) before and this dog had no idea. so casey's hair went up on her back and she kept turning around to look at it, and i think it finally got the clue not to mess with her. i just think it is so funny though the way she doesn't put up with flirtatious males. she bites them. after i walked the dog i went over to hang out with karl and the boys. we watched The Godfather all the way through and then sat out in his back yard around a fire pit. i really enjoy just sitting around a fire. it's really relaxing. as for the immediate, i'm working on posting pictures with my blog. it's a new thing that just came out, but i'm lost as to how it works. hopefully i can get somethin goin. until then... peace and love...

And Then... There Was Nothing

let me say this and let me say it quickly. today was about as easy as they come. of course i can't think of too much that would rival the week before exams, but i really would consider today to be easy. i went in to work today and my boss wasn't there so we just went around doing mundane tasks because we didn't know what we were supposed to do. an hour later we all went home and i went back to bed. i suppose at around two i arose, ate lunch, and went to hang out with scott for a little while. we played some games and watched a movie and then i noticed my car was making a clicking noise which i thought might have something to do with my oil, so i went to get all the tools required for an oil change. well... about $8 later i was ready to get started, but not before dinner... anyways, i started out clean as a whistle and ended up almost drenched head to toe with oil. why, might you ask? oh, i'll tell you. it's because nathan has a hard time doing something right the first time. i changed my oil and almost capped it all of to go inside when what happens? i overfilled the oil. this is one of the worst things you could probably do to a car. i'm serious, it's right up there with driving down a one way street the wrong way in a busy city at rush hour with two tanks of gas in the back seat while talking on your cell phone. so what did i do? i got back under the car and went about draining some of the oil. if only it were that easy though. see, i didn't consider that the oil would have heated up in such a short time, but i was wrong. not only did i drop the plug in to two gallons of oil, but when i tried to put the plug back in so i didn't waste all of the oil, not only was my hand was scalded but i drenced my shirtless body in hot oil. okay, not fun! after this little humerous episode i realised that i only had two quarts of oil left, and it was far too late to go to the auto store to get any more. so i begged ben to take me up to the gas station so i could get some more, and of course theirs is rediculously high priced, but i got it anyways. when i got back, i filled it up and it was finally finished. clean up was a little messy. i dropped my oil soaked keys in the sand and that was ugly. i also got oil all over my flip-flop and foot and it got sandy too. a shower seemed in order after all this had taken place, and then some cups-o-noodles. that was pretty much my day. hope tomorrow is as exciting. peace and love

College Saturday

here i am at last with my cup-o-noodles and some tea settling down for the night after a most pleasant day. today was by far a college saturday and here is why. i had absolutely nothing to do. that's right. i slept in until 2:45pm today and when i woke, there was nothing to do. this being so i sat down and watched tv for a little bit, but when four o'clock rolled around i decided to go to the grocery store and get some cup-o-noodles. i think that's what hit the spot in my day. while i was at the store i rolled across the street to visit karl at office depot. he wasn't doin much of anything and was ready to get off of work, but we talked for a while and i decided to help he and his dad out setting up the stage at church for tomorrow. when i got home, guess what... i took a nap that lasted about two hours. when i woke up i had to move that heavy wood stove again, but three times as far and then, after dinner, i went straight over to church to help set up. now you're going to probably note the briefness of this journal. that is simply because my day was brief. i suppose you could say it was eventful because i've caught up on all those sleepless days of this past week, but it was most definitely unstructured. i like unstructured i guess because i like improvisation. i think that's also kinda why i like procrastination, but that's another story. right now i'm going to watch a movie and then hit the sack. see/talk to y'all later... peace and love...

Difficulties Move From Potential to Reality

today was rough. i don't know how else to put it. i woke up at about 7:30 after only five hours of sleep and then i went about my business. first in order was my dr's appointment which started at 8:30 and ended around 10:00. it was from there that i went straight to the pool to commence my second day of work. i was full of zeal and i worked very hard, but the work was long and strenuous. first i dried an entire olympic sized pool AND a standard size pool from rain water that had fallen yesterday so we could paint. next of course came the painting. we painted the lines on the bottom of the pool, which sounds easy at first, but you must consider that these lines have to be as straight as can be. we were also painting black on white which allows for no mess-ups. in total i think i painted 225 meters today which took aproximately five hours to complete. after that i went home and showered off, trying to get the paint off of my hands which proved very difficult as the paint is made especially for the bottom of pools. once i was all washed up i went to church to try and practice bass for this sunday, but the office was already closed and the bass i'm going to use is in the office. since i was already on that side of town i decided to go see what the boggs' were up to. mrs. boggs was the only one home, but she invited me in for a drink and a chat to check up on my progress at school. she told me that some animal (probably a fox) killed two of three of her rabbits which is pretty crazy. it killed one by biting it in the head when it stuck it out through it's pen to eat some grass. anyways, after that i went home and crashed. i took about an hour nap before i was awoken by my mom wanting me to help move our old 800lbs wood stove that we are FINALLY getting rid of. straight after that i went over to brittany's house to watch a movie with the new praise team from this year that i used to be a part of. it was here that i faced some emotional stress. now don't get me wrong. i love all of them to death, but i faced the inevitable reality that i suspected before i left college to come home. i have changed ALOT over this past year, and my friends who havent gone to college haven't quite faced that step in life yet... and it's a drastic step. i feel like there were expectations of how i should be in their minds, but those expectations are not who i am anymore, and i'm fed up with trying to pretend like i'm somone that i'm not so i'm not going to try to fit in to those expectations. it's not their fault, i mean on the outside i look relatively similar to who i was on the day that i left. i guess the same thing happened to me when i was in their shoes because i had lots of friends go off to college who came back different, but it wasn't until now that i noticed strangely enough. before i went to college i always felt like i had something to prove to everyone. i'm tired of that now, so i'm not going to prove to anyone how much i've learned, what positive attributes i've taken on, or what negative attributes. i'm just going to be me and be accepted, disreguarded, or dismissed. i almost busted out crying tonight because of it, but i haven't cried publicly since literally i was in kindergarden, and i haven't cried privately in three years. i think either i've forgotten how by now, or i'm just to proud. i felt anguish though. it was a weird kind of anquish. it was as if there was a wall between me and them that they neither saw nor knew of its existence. in their minds guyandguitar19 came to visit while in my mind guyandguitar20 came. i hope i did not disturb anyone while i was there, but i guess i can kinda understand sorta how a vietnam veteran felt when he came home from the battle field for the first time to meet the ones he loved. how could the understand all of the changes he had faced. i'm sure they could read the paper or watch the news, but it just isn't the same. i remember when i was in high school, i had things all figured out. nobody could tell me something that i didn't know. i was so confident that i was going to go to college and it was going to be a breeze on my physical, mental, and spiritual life. out of everyone who gave me advice about this and that, i can only recall the warning i got from chris passaro. he said "don't you dare be too confident in yourself. there's always something that you can trip over." i look back at that now and i understand. think of it this way: we all have probably watched a movie on war, even some of the most realistic ones on the market. but when you yourself are drafted and put on the front lines and are shot at and have to kill... things enter a new prospective fast. it is a concept that only war veterans understand and the rest of us can only carry enough pride to think that we can relate. i don't know how my story will end though. i can take a wild guess, but it's not up to me. i think that some of my friends might eventually understand and come to accept it, but some might not want to understand it and they might just have to experience it for themselves. i'm almost assured that they will experience it eventually. all my other friends who have gone to college know exactly what i'm talking about. i spent long converations with many of my upper classmen college friends at belmont who were warning me that this was going to happen. i understand now, and just by writing this journal i feel better. it's all just another part of growing up that will hit everybody at God's designated time for them. i'm gunna go watch some tv now. peace and love...

Difficulties Move From Potential to Reality

today was rough. i don't know how else to put it. i woke up at about 7:30 after only five hours of sleep and then i went about my business. first in order was my dr's appointment which started at 8:30 and ended around 10:00. it was from there that i went straight to the pool to commence my second day of work. i was full of zeal and i worked very hard, but the work was long and strenuous. first i dried an entire olympic sized pool AND a standard size pool from rain water that had fallen yesterday so we could paint. next of course came the painting. we painted the lines on the bottom of the pool, which sounds easy at first, but you must consider that these lines have to be as straight as can be. we were also painting black on white which allows for no mess-ups. in total i think i painted 225 meters today which took aproximately five hours to complete. after that i went home and showered off, trying to get the paint off of my hands which proved very difficult as the paint is made especially for the bottom of pools. once i was all washed up i went to church to try and practice bass for this sunday, but the office was already closed and the bass i'm going to use is in the office. since i was already on that side of town i decided to go see what the boggs' were up to. mrs. boggs was the only one home, but she invited me in for a drink and a chat to check up on my progress at school. she told me that some animal (probably a fox) killed two of three of her rabbits which is pretty crazy. it killed one by biting it in the head when it stuck it out through it's pen to eat some grass. anyways, after that i went home and crashed. i took about an hour nap before i was awoken by my mom wanting me to help move our old 800lbs wood stove that we are FINALLY getting rid of. straight after that i went over to brittany's house to watch a movie with the new praise team from this year that i used to be a part of. it was here that i faced some emotional stress. now don't get me wrong. i love all of them to death, but i faced the inevitable reality that i suspected before i left college to come home. i have changed ALOT over this past year, and my friends who havent gone to college haven't quite faced that step in life yet... and it's a drastic step. i feel like there were expectations of how i should be in their minds, but those expectations are not who i am anymore, and i'm fed up with trying to pretend like i'm somone that i'm not so i'm not going to try to fit in to those expectations. it's not their fault, i mean on the outside i look relatively similar to who i was on the day that i left. i guess the same thing happened to me when i was in their shoes because i had lots of friends go off to college who came back different, but it wasn't until now that i noticed strangely enough. before i went to college i always felt like i had something to prove to everyone. i'm tired of that now, so i'm not going to prove to anyone how much i've learned, what positive attributes i've taken on, or what negative attributes. i'm just going to be me and be accepted, disreguarded, or dismissed. i almost busted out crying tonight because of it, but i haven't cried publicly since literally i was in kindergarden, and i haven't cried privately in three years. i think either i've forgotten how by now, or i'm just to proud. i felt anguish though. it was a weird kind of anquish. it was as if there was a wall between me and them that they neither saw nor knew of its existence. in their minds guyandguitar19 came to visit while in my mind guyandguitar20 came. i hope i did not disturb anyone while i was there, but i guess i can kinda understand sorta how a vietnam veteran felt when he came home from the battle field for the first time to meet the ones he loved. how could the understand all of the changes he had faced. i'm sure they could read the paper or watch the news, but it just isn't the same. i remember when i was in high school, i had things all figured out. nobody could tell me something that i didn't know. i was so confident that i was going to go to college and it was going to be a breeze on my physical, mental, and spiritual life. out of everyone who gave me advice about this and that, i can only recall the warning i got from chris passaro. he said "don't you dare be too confident in yourself. there's always something that you can trip over." i look back at that now and i understand. think of it this way: we all have probably watched a movie on war, even some of the most realistic ones on the market. but when you yourself are drafted and put on the front lines and are shot at and have to kill... things enter a new prospective fast. it is a concept that only war veterans understand and the rest of us can only carry enough pride to think that we can relate. i don't know how my story will end though. i can take a wild guess, but it's not up to me. i think that some of my friends might eventually understand and come to accept it, but some might not want to understand it and they might just have to experience it for themselves. i'm almost assured that they will experience it eventually. all my other friends who have gone to college know exactly what i'm talking about. i spent long converations with many of my upper classmen college friends at belmont who were warning me that this was going to happen. i understand now, and just by writing this journal i feel better. it's all just another part of growing up that will hit everybody at God's designated time for them. i'm gunna go watch some tv now. peace and love...

The Pre-Lifeguard's Life: Day 1

today was busy, but not quite as bad as yesterday. i've been trying to be as proficient as possible since i've been home so i don't get used to being lazy. that's really all i need to be right now. as for work today, i was at the pool at nine o'clock sharp ready to paint, and i did just that. the painting didn't take long though. for the most part me and the two assistant managers just got paid to sit around and talk as well as pick out the new guard uniforms. after that it started raining really hard so we just left and they're going to start again tomorrow morning at eight. i, on the other hand, am going to my rescheduled doctor's appointment and physical tomorrow at eight. i have a feeling that sleep is going to catch up with me sooner or later though. it is again late... or early... whatever... so i'm trying to settle down so i can sleep. what did i do today after work? well i went and met up with john-eric at church and he as assigned me to play bass this sunday. that's new being that i've only played bass for one performance in my life and it was only one song. i'm confident though. after that i met up with andy for a little while and we played disc golf and discussed life. following this activity i went home, took a brief nap, and walked the dog. at about nine o'clock or so i went over to karl's house where jordan and hoovey were and we burned all of our painful college notes and discussed even more life (more specifically college life). now i am home. i'm aiming to go to bed an hour early tonight, and i think it's going to happen, but who knows what i'll think of next. there's just so much to do to finish getting situated at home, but a break is the last thing i need right now because i'll slow down and never get back up again. so far i'm proud of the way i've been conducting myself. i feel good, as if nothing in the world could tear me down right now. i do feel a bit queezy right now though. probably because i inhaled too much smoke from the note burning, but if that indeed is the culprit, then it is a satisfying queezyness. sorry this journal didn't last very long or cover very much, but i really have to get to bed so i can bust my behind at work tomorrow. peace and love...

The Adjustment Has Begun

so life takes on another change. i have returned home for the summer after completing my first year at college. i must admit that i feel quite satisfied with my work, but it is far from over. after taking my psych exam on tuesday morining at 8am (which was like chewing glass as all psych exams are) i went back to the dorm to wait for my parents. two o'clock roles around and so does my dad's big white company van. dark news also came at about the same time. from what i heard, which i'm still trying to confirm, is that chef michael (the frenchman) dropped dead in the caf at lunch from a heart attack. i heard that there was nothing anyone could do, and i felt so strange because i saw him and noted his red complexion just a few hours earlier. death makes you really think about life. i'm fine with dying, but i'm not comfortable with loosing any of my loved ones, and it could happen at any time. anyways, a bunch of my hall friends and i loaded up the van and we left and returned home at about 11:30. i had two options at this time. A.) i could wake up really early in the morning and unload the van before my dad went to work and before my eight o'clock dr's appointment. or B.) i could unload the van right then and there. i chose B and was done by about 12:30. after that i still felt unsettled and so i went about unpacking my things. after getting about half way through i finally went to sleep as i had created enough room for me to move around somewhat across my floor. sleep was hard though. for one thing it is hot as hates in my room and for another, i was on college time which meant that it was only one o'clock and i usually stay up until three. this made things a bit difficult, but i weathered the storm. today was a very pro-active day. i woke up at about 7:30, took a shower, and headed to my dr's appointment. it turned out that once i found the place, i didn't have my insurance card, so i was reshceduled for friday morning. after that whole ordeal i went to work on my car and wash it, then i went to get a job. i shall be working at city lake pool again this year as a lifeguard. i'm very thankful for getting that position because of past circumstances, but it is still going to provide it's challenges. i'm a whole two years older this year though with college leadership experience under my belt, so i should be fine. after that was out of the way, i went to get registered for my CPR recertification class and then i went home to take a nap. i finished all of that before noon, so i felt pretty good. after the nap i hung out with karl and jordan and we learned how to juggle, handle, and eat fire. i admit it is quite exillirating, but being that i'm a pyromaniac that should be no suprise. once that was over i came back home and finished unpacking. my room looks quite lovely right now, and i plan on keeping it that way. i do have work at nine in the morning though, so i should be getting off to bed. i'm going to be painting the pool in the hot hot sun! i do miss my fellas from college, but we will be reunited in due time. if you're reading this now, i suggest we not dwell on that but instead keep eachother in our prayers and do what we need to do this summer. in that aspect i think time will move accordingly to our expectations. i do NOT miss classes however, so i shall enjoy my summer appart from that. anywho... have a pleasant summer everyone and i'll keep you posted on my exciting advenutre as a lifeguard at one of the east coast's largest pools. peace and love...

Don't Know When I'll See You Again

ladies and gentlemen, it's been a great year of writing journals and such. i look back on it all and i see so much that has happened that i would have otherwise forgotten about. this is my 77th journal today and it might be my last for a while. why is that you ask? it is because i am going home tuesday, back to high point NC where i will again be faced with dial up internet. this is very discouraging for me, but it might also keep me from my journal writting. this is not final though... just my initial thoughts. as for today, it was pretty good. i finished my packing and then went to wendy's for dinner with matt. when we got there this homeless guy asked me if i had a few buck to spare. i told him what i tell everybody which is that i don't carry cash. i'm a college student for cryin out loud. why would i carry cash? he then threatened us with a weird little mumble about "we have a policy about that, but... you'll find out what it is later..." well, i don't like it one bit when someone threatens me so i got pretty riled up. i think the guy was on crack or something because he was just rockin back and forth and talking to himself with these little twitches all over his body. anyways he waited by matt's car probably thinking we were getting our food for take out, but then when we sat down to eat, he just took off. i had my knife on me, but i'm glad he left because who knows what would have happened had things gotten nasty. i don't think he was much of a threat because he was smaller than me, and matt is bigger than me. us together could have easily put that guy in the hospital which is why you would have to be on drugs to threaten two adult males by your scrawny self. i should know... i'm scrawny and i sure wouldn't threaten two adult males who were bigger than me. after that whole ordeal we went to get some boxes so i could finish paking and we did, and... i did. now my room is naked and it's really late (as usual). tomorrow is going to be a study day big time though. i have my last exam on tuesday at 8am, then i'm taking off for home. i'm at peace about pretty much everything right now. i know God has it all figured out even though i don't, and i'm comfortable with that. i just know there are so many things that i'm going to forget to do though before i leave, but in 100 years it probably won't bother me, so why should it now? i was suprised, however, to find that the format for my blog has changed. this site has had a complete overhaul and i now have a photo, a link for my songs, and a profile. i enjoy this improvement very much except for the fact that the astrological sign that i've been given in my profile doesn't coencide with my beliefs at all. i'm not going to let it rub me the wrong way though. i can't take it off, but i still want people to know about me. but now you know, and if anyone who doesn't asks... well then i'll tell them. peace and love...

don't count on me using caps on my journal tonight because i have far too little time to concentrate on that. tomorrow i have my religion exam so that will be fun and good times. honestly i'm not too worried about it, but i was just thinking about how i haven't given as much effort this semester as i did last sememster so my return probably isn't going to be as fruitful. that's a little dissappointing, but i have next semester to pick up my gpa if it suffers too much. i don't expect to do half bad in my classes, but not quite as good as my before. i think the main reason for this is that a good deal of my classes last semester were just your "show up and get an a" classes while this semester they have actually required some sort of mental output. even my math class last semester was pass/fail. i passed that class so i got an a's worth of credit. the day was good though and i'm not complaining. i woke up at about noon and then went about my business. i got my psychology assignment finished and then enjoyed the outside for a little bit. there honestly wasn't much else to do today besides play frisbee and hang out. something weird and noteworthy did happen though. kevin, matt, and i were outside of the music business building in the lounge area drinking our fruit beverages when we noticed something by the door of the building which must hav just flown in to the glass or something. i went over and picked it up and it was a humming bird. i couldn't believe how small it was even though i've seen them before. holding one is just way different. anyways i took care of it until it felt good enough to fly away on its own which it did about twenty minutes later. i did call my (hopefully) future boss to let her know that i'm interested in a position, but i don't know how that is going to turn out. i also went out to eat with the guys to have one last and great hang out session. things after tomorrow are going to start splitting up so we went out for hotwings, rode around in cowboy's girlfriend's convertable for a while with our shirts off and the top down with the music loud, and then had our sauna time when we got back. i'm not going to study for my religion exam tonight though. i'm going to wake up at about ten tomorrow and commence studying because the exam itself is at two. i always do well when the information is fresh on the brain so i think that's going to be my best bet. hopefully i can get some sleep tonight though. the past few nights have been really tough as far as sleep is concerned. i'm just too riled up to go to sleep i guess... i don't really know. this journal is going to be a bit shorter though, as i can't think of anything philosophical to discuss... or can i...

this real world, as opposed to how real we think we have things in high school, is a tough one. i was discussing this observation with one of my friends and fraternity brothers while doing laundry just a short while ago. he was saying how he didn't know what to expect when he went home. he said when he was home for christmas break his friends who had stayed home all thought he was the same guy who left almost a year ago. he said he was almost dissappointed in himself for sliding back in to the guy he used to be doing the stuff that he used to do. i can't say that i haven't thought on this myself. i'm not the same person i was when i left home in late august of last year but i find it easy after a short period of time to slip back in to my childish form. that's what everybody expects of me when i'm there, so why not give it to them? they just don't know what all i've gone through and become through experiences here except what i tell them. on the contrary, no one here knows anything about where i have come from, which makes a large portion of who i am, exept for what i tell them. so do i feel like anyone knows me right now? that idea i do not really dwell upon. i supppose the immediate answer would be no, but i know who i am, and i don't think it's possible for anyone to know you completely besides God, not even yourself. in short, i'm not really bothered by the fact that i'm not completely known. this is where i'm going to have to tell people what to expect of me instead of them just writting there own expectations. that's just part of growning up. here i have become responsible for my affiars. i have become efficiently organised and confident. i have become more intelligent in many aspects of life. something i've noticed at college is that no one, and i mean no one, tells you what to do. initially everything can tend to fall appart depending on your expectations, but reguardless there is like an exchange of ownership of your life from the hands of those who shaped you to yourself. God of course has always given me direction and provided for me, but even in that aspect i have learned that my relationship with God before was partly shared with my parents and friends, but there were certain preperations in that that i am greatful for. now my relationship with God is my own. why and what happens to make this so? i suppose the reason that this all comes to pass is because when you struggle with something like a teaching or a way of life, you have to stand alone or with equals of spiritual build. there is nothing that is more difficult than this, especailly after you have had such a cushy spiritual life before, but you have no more counceling. my chirstian walk as a result has faced a sort of "re-birth". i read and study scripture now and i see and understand its meaning as if i had never read it before which can be both nice and difficult to chew, but it is a necessity. the only way you can maintain a strong spiritual walk just by being told all the time and not venturing in to the wilderness to make it yours, is to cloister yourself away from the rest of the world for the rest of your life. lot's of people do it and they start doing it at college. people fear the world so they seal themselves off from it in their own little "christian bubble". what kind of testimony is that? the truth is that the world is a dangerous place. so much confusion has been unleashed by our society, on our society, that people don't know what to believe, and in so doing they somehow have become content in that and fulfilled the prophecy that the serpant told adam and eve in the garden which was that by eating the fruit, man will become like God. the men and women of today have done just that in a sense. they have convinced themselves and the rest of the world that they are gods. they are gods, however, that cannot conquer death which has them all scared. philosophers try to reason away all truths, but death is an absolute truth that has them all afraid.... i'm side tracking... to make a long story short, this is where we live. when you walk in the mud, chances are that you'll get dirty here and there, and the sun doesn't always shine, but if you persue strenght, God will give it to you. instead of cloistering yourself away or giving up all together, become strong and usefull. thanks for the listen... peace and love...

Today was all I could have hoped it would be. I slept in and, though I didn't get as much done as I thought I would, the day was rather satisfying. I played some catch with Aaron and Big Mike earlier which was nice because the weather was great. Tonight was the last night of the semester to see all of the brothers again so we went to Mafiazos to celebrate one last time. It ended up taking us a good three hours to get seated and get our food, but the brotherhood was nice. As for after... a few other guys and I are sick as dogs so that will probably be the last time I frequent that facility. Last night was weird though. After I finished writing my journal I had the hardest time getting to sleep. I was in bed for two straight hours before I fell asleep at four o'clock. I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling wrestless the past few weeks. I can't quite put my finger on it, but maybe I just need a solid vacation. I don't think that's probable though so I'm just going to have to learn to cope with it. Of course, maybe the spring air is getting to me as well. It seems to me that just about every girl on campus who is single is looking for someone right now, which is a little unsettling. I can understand it though because it has been explained to me before. From what I was told by an inside source, women have an extreme pressure to have a boyfriend. If they don't people assume things about them and so on and so forth. This, however, is not a good enough reason for me. I don't know why I'm just noticing it now though. That tends to be a common theme for me. I have my years where I've never noticed certain things before but yet they have always existed. Take the flowering plant wysteria for example. I never noticed that plant until a few years ago. I thought it was some new thing, but turns out I had just never looked up at that time of year before. I think I'm noticing all these things about women lately because I'm in such close quarters with them. I don't just blame women though. Everyone seems to be acting the drama king and queen lately. I think it's an addiction among folks. Whether it be pain or pleasure, endorphines are created which draws us back each time. I feel like some people are difficult on absolute purpose becase they want to feel rejected and alone because they've become addicted to it. They then tend to place a label on everyone else so they can feel like they are, in some way, above everyone else because they feel like they've got everyone else figured out. Now I totally understand that it could be a chemical imbalance, but it just gets me flustered. The whole drama thing is gettin me sickly flustered too because I feel like the only one who isn't involved, and I don't feel like I should feel wrong about that, but you all probably know what it's like to feel like the only one on a side. You start asking questions about who is right and wrong. Fortunately I'm too stubborn for that, though stubbornness isn't one of my best qualities. I'm guilty myself of doing things just to proove that I'm not dependant on others. I don't ever want to feel like a follower, so if I, say, want to go eat and nobody else does, I'll go eat by myself. Of course I've never actually felt like I needed company. Sometimes I feel perfectly fine doing things alone, but for the most part I enjoy company. Doing things like eating or going to the movies alone doesn't bother me though. Eating isn't a social event for me because I can sit and talk to someone all I want without food in my mouth. Watching a movie is the same. I'm not going to be that guy who talks the entire movie because I've payed good money to see it so I'm going to shut up and watch it. What difference, then, does it make if I saw it with someone I know or not. It's not like we are paying any attention to eachother at all. That's why I will never take a date to a movie (supposing that I'm dating to learn someting new about the one I'm with). Movies are things for people who are good enough friends to be able to watch a good movie together and not say anything until afterwards. Silence, to me, can often be the sign of the strongest bond of love and friendship. When I go to visit people who I've known for years and they still treat me like a guest it kinda dissappoints me. I like it when people are real with me. Mabye that's just because of the way manners work in our society. I think the majority of people in our society show manners not because they truly respect the person of their attention, but because they really just want to impress them. The reason I say this is because after being in Africa, I realised that there was indeed a difference. I was eating a meal with two of the local gentlemen who were taking care of us and guiding us around and I noticed that when we were served our meals they didn't eat. Well, I begged them to join us and to eat with us, but they politely refused and said something that I think about all the time. They said "We will not eat until after you eat because we are here to serve you and once everything you desire has been attended, then we will see to our own needs." Wow! How many folks do you know that will say that with complete sincerity. Hospitality has become so fake here. People just follow a bunch of regulations that they learned somewhere in order to impress, not to show respect and humility. Just another tangent though I suppose. I really can tell when someone is being fake with me though, and really well. It kinda ties in with yesterday's journal when I was talking about my empathy. One thing you have to look at when trying to understand someone is their eyes. People can control every feature of their body to display some sort of language. The muscles in the face, the tone of voice, the smiles and frowns can all be shaped, but the eye never looses it's shape. If you look in to someone's eyes when they lie to you, you don't need to be an interrigator to be able to tell that they are indeed lying. It works the same for sincerity. If someone is really glad to see you, their eyes will show it. Now some people can try and throw you off by fake crying, but even that doesn't change the eye except for making it a little red. What I'm talking about is staring straight through the iris into the individuals self. try it out if you don't believe me and see what you find. I'm not the only one like this though. I know plenty of people who feel the same way. I'm not condoning the fact that we should treat people like jerks just because we're in a bad mood and we don't want to be fake. I'm saying that we should strive to be sincere and caring without having to pull out a fake cover up. Is there a way to be truly happy all of the time? By God i should think so. I don't think people would wish to admit that though because if they did, that would display yet another imperfection in their lives that they would rather ignore. Like I said before, being a jerk to people can be addictive. After going over this journal just now and checking for major errors, I realize that I've probably drawn a few boarders between folks and me now, but then again, this IS, after all, my journal that you are reading. You can say whatever you want in your journal and I'll understand. I guess all I really ask is that you put aside all of your initial judgments and theories about me and try to understand me from what I write. I did have alot to vent today for some reason though. Maybe that's why I've been so wrestless for that past while. Whatever it is that is bothering me, hopefully it won't keep me from sleeping tonight which is what I'm going to do right now. Hope you all enjoyed the capitolised version of my journal. have a good night. peace and love...

well, what a great day. i went to all three of my classes and finished them off quite flawlessly. as for exams i only have three left, one of which is optional and can only help my grade, so you'd better believe that i'm going to be taking that. tomorrow i have an eight o'clock class, but that doesn't bother me because it's the only class i have all day, so when i get back i'm going to sleep and i'm not waking up until i feel like it. when i do, i'm going to do some laundry and call for some jobs and that's about the extent of that. this week is starting off great. i can't think of a thing that could go wrong, but trust me, i'm not thinking too hard. right now i'm winding down listening to some irish folk rock and then i'll probably head off to sleep. i'll try to think of something philisophical though just to take up a little more space. i hate when i have such short journals because i feel like i'm cheating you out. so... what should i talk about... let me think. hmmm, well i am coming home in a week from today so that's something to consider, but then again i did consider that last night. i don't feel like i have enough time to write on my thoughts on relativity and absolutes, so that's out of the question until i get an abridged version. how about this. i'll talk a little about relationships between people and me. maybe, just maybe if i'm tired enough i'll open up on a public journal, but don't count your chickens before they hatch. secondly i'd also like to re-address that i mention no names of any party in these types of entries because the details are no one's business but the ones who already know and they don't need names, so speculate as you wish, but it will get you nowhere fast. anyways i think a common discussion between me and some of my friends here is what to do with yourself when someone breaks your trust or when you get hurt from a romance relationship which can be greatly related. i myself tend to be one of those people who finds it very hard to trust others. i guess the textbooks call people like me skeptics, but from my experience i have many times put trust in people at an early age who have let me down drastically when i least expected it. i'm sure it happens to everyone, but for me it stuck and effects me to this day. i know that it's not scriptural that i should act this way so i am working on it, but it is a difficult struggle to deal with. something positive that has developed out of it though is a highly developed sense of empathy over the years. this little attribute helps me to decern whether or not i can trust someone in less time than it would ordinarily take. i can spend some time around people and tell what their motives are and what makes them tick (for the most part... still developing) but here's where it ties in to relationships. when i was in middle school i remember telling my school friends everything that would come to mind, which often times would be very personal. a few years later they used the information that i had given them to turn me in to a joke so that they could use me as a stool to get more popularity. from this i took learned that i should be very cautious to who i give personal information, and it did happen more after that too. high school relationships, for example, taught me alot. i remember giving a girl tons of personal information about me and pouring out my heart and leaving myself vulnerable without even considering the fact that she was not doing the same to me, so when time came for that to end, i was left out to dry. again i trusted someone who didn't trust me, which hurts in any kind of person to person bond. girls also do crazy things to close friends who would turn against one another at the nearest sight of a pretty smile and nice eyes, but i've heard girls are just as brutal towards eachother. that's just another expereince, but what i have learned thus far in a lesson that is far from over is that many things can break in life such as arms and expensive posessions, but they can be replaces. when trust is broken, however, it is almost impossible to mend. broken trust leaves scars... ya know, come to mention it, this whole scar analogy got me thinkin the other day. i have scars all over my body from "battles" of younger days, but there is one on my face in particular that i got when i was very very young. i don't even remember how old i was when i got it, but when i see that scar a vision flashes through my mind and i recall the exact events of what happened on that day. it was trauma and the scar will always be there to remind me of it, but a scar can teach you one of two things. it can teach you to fear what you did, or to learn from it. i, by no means, became afraid of falling in life, but i took up and learned, resulting more scars and broken arms. now-a-days i'm one of the hardest people you'll come across to knock on the ground even though i'm small. infact, if you ever get me on ice skates, it's quite theatrical to watch me flail around if something happens to threaten my balance, but i NEVER fall (atleast not hard). basically what i'm trying to say is that we are scarred by other people breaking our trust and we can do two things. we can become afraid of fealing pain again so we seal ourselves up and never trust anyone again, or we can face the fact that life, from waking and putting on cloths to undressing and going to bed every day, is a risk and experience is often times pain. i'm not perfect. i'm still afraid of commitment to an extent, especailly to someone whom i'm liable to overcommit to (such as women), but God willing i have atleast one more day left to grow and learn... now i hate more than anything these catch phrases that people say because they like the sound of it rolling off their tongues like "no pain, no gain" or my (least) favorite "time heals all wounds". i say what i say and you can take them how you want. this is the life that i live and i'm not about to deliver some catch phrase to you that has lost value because of overuse, but maybe you're like me and you understand without a catch phrase. that would be kinda neat i guess. whatever you take from this thought though, one thing is for sure... i'm going to bed because you made me think too hard;) peace and love my pretties.

ok ok ok... this weekend has been GREAT. i had nothing to do and i did it ON time with NO qualms. how about this. I recorded two songs this weekend, one of which i wrote friday night! that one i just posted on the internet, so if you want to go to my music site and check it out, feel liberated to do so. other than that there's not terribly much to say. i can't seem to remember much of what has gone on this weekend, but i know that it was good. tomorrow i have a history exam that i haven't studied for yet, but it'll be easy so i'll study tomorrow right before it, and that way the information will be fresh on my mind. i think i feel so good right now because nothing can compare to the amount of stress i experienced last week. this week, though full of exams, is going to be a breeze! i am going home next week though which i have mixed feelings about. i have lots of friends who will be staying here, but then... home is home... and even though i guess technically i'm a visitor, there's no other place like it. i'm sure i'll have to do alot of adjusting. being at college all of my every day functions run on my time, and though a bit unorthadox, i get things done. at home, on the other hand, i'll have to re-adjust to who i was before i went to college because to many people are directly effected by my actions. i've though about this and i think that i'll probably return to some medium between the two me's, this way life won't be too hard. getting my summer job might be a pain though. i'm not assured anything as far as work is concerned back home... atleast, nothing that might pay me enough money as to what i need for college. i'm not to stressed out about it though. God has always taken care of me in the past, and though i know things can change, i'm not worried. there's not too much that could stress me out like last week again anyways. i suppose i can take time to tell you about my dreams though. i've had the most weird dreams in the past few weeks since i've been stressed out. they are so realistic in detail and have a stunning plot line, but i'm not so much afraid of them as much as i am weirded out. i have had some fear dreams though, in which i will be half asleep and half awake with my eyes open and i'll see something that freaks me out so i'll jump off the top bunk and turn on the light. these dreams lately have been different from that. one of them, for example was me riding in a tractor trailer with all of my friends from school and two girls that i didn't know. we were riding on a bridge that went over the ocean which broke down into one lane. then we came upon some cars that were coming the opposite way, one of which was a black benze because i saw the medallion. we slammed on our breaks and tried to avoid the cars but we collided and sent the mercedes in to the ocean and then we fell in to the water. then all of the windows opened up and everybody swam out, but i looked back down and the girl was stuck inside so i went back to get her. once i got her free, the truck landed at the bottom of the ocean in such a way were we couldn't get out and we tried breaking windows and opening doors, but then we just drowned... i know how they say that you can't die in your dream because your brain doesn't know how to simulate death so it actually dies, but that's a load of crap because my brain also can't simulate being shot in the head but i've had a dream where that's happened once and... well... it was pretty weird, but i'm still alive. these are just a few of the weird dreams i've been having lately due to what college students like to call sleep deprivation. last night i had a dream that i had an incounter with a ghostly figure that i couldn't see but was definitaly in the room. i though to myself it must be lonely to be a ghost so i sucked up my fear and tried to be friendly with it. i told it to go outside and play in the snow with the neighborhood kids because yes, there was lots of snow outside... according to the story of my dream, the ghost was a friend of a friend who i had never met before, but my friend was so upset about the death that he wouldn't leave his room. see, they lived together and he just couldn't face looking at all the stuff, so me, a few friends and mom (you were there too) went over to box the stuff up and get rid of it. it was in a house that i had never been to in real life before which is kinda weird because usually you dream about experience, but i also remember looking at this really cool lamp with an embroidered angel on the shade, it was that detailed. the guy that died was named mitch and he and some of his buddies went out one night to a lake and drowned. there's a theme here which is weird. all of my dreams have included water lately. now i'm not afraid of water at all. i'm a lifeguard for pete sake and i've almost drowned before cuz i almost passed out under water, but i decided after that experience that it wouldn't be such a bad way to die. i can't seem to make a connection with this aspect of my dream though. when the ghost came out i was in the dining room of the house looking through the white silk-like curtains at children playing in the snow with mom sitting next to me. i all the sudden heard floor boards creeking to the left in the other room and my friend was the only other person left in the house and he wouldn't leave his room. the other guys had gone out to get some food, so they were also gone. the floor boards creaked closer and closer though until finally the curtains started moving as if someone where just tapping them lightly with their hand. i remember feeling a chill, but i decided to put it past me and take command of the situation so i gently told the ghost, who i saw as child-like, to go outside and play in the snow. the curtain stopped moving and the floor boards creaked again over to the door just a few feet away, the door blew open as if it weren't closed properly before, and then a draft in the house slammed the door closed again. that's when i woke up confused and i even tried to go back to sleep to re-enter the dream and make sense of it, but i couldn't. now i try to make connections with every day life and my dreams, but i couldn't do it. i haven't watched a horrer flick in 9 months, i had never been to that house before but it belongs to one of my friends from nc state who also has friends that live in it that i don't know but what would make me think of that. secondly, i don't believe in ghosts. when you die, your soul doesn't just roam the earth because that's silly. both of the dreams were also very vivid and fully colored. most of the things in the house were white except for the angel on the shade, the floor and the furniture, the door knob, the child playing in the snow (which was very deep and in drifts) who had on a brown cap, a red scarf and mittens, with a black ski suit and black boots. now i'm not really bothered by these dreams except for the fact that i don't know where out of my scattered mind they came from. if i have more, i'll be sure to keep you all posted, but for now i'm going to atleast try to find some more. peace and love...