this is what a day like today entails. i woke up and took the dreaded psychology exam and did about as good as i though i would... which isn't that great. after that i just felt... well... i felt exausted so i slept for a good four more hours. upon waking up i made marry with the fellows of the hall and then went to attend my new testament class. i turned in one of my two papers there (the other one turned in in psychology in the morning) and came back to eat dinner and take another nap and begin recording my new song that i wrote over easter. after being well rested i then went to my frat meeting and ate more food and am now here writing this journal. that is quite the abridged version of my day. deep thoughts have been flowing through my head fluidly though. it might be the music i've been listening to or maybe just the mass confusion that i have been facing lately. i'd probably put my money on a bit of both. i realized while i was home that my town is full of memories both good and bad. as i drove around there were literal zones of good memories that i would drive through, and then zones of the bad. i have been trying to avoid pondering too deeply on the bad which made my visit home that much more enjoyable. it wasn't until easter sunday however that many of my bad memories were stirred up that should have remained at the bottom of my mental jar. i could best describe it as pan crust that sits in the bottom of an olive oil jar. when the jar is turned upside down, the dirt comes from the bottom of the jar and mixes in with the oil as a whole which increases contamination. sunday morning i was turned upside down when a person (you know that i know better than to mention names in my journal) came up to me during church and gave me a hug. i have been doing so well at ignoring the fact that they expelled me from their life despite my deepest wishes, and it wasn't really their fault because how could they possibly know what i have been trying to suppress in my mind for years now. that hug, however, threw me back in time as if it were some trigger that fired a cannon ball (my feelings) directly towards the past. i can still feel it though, as if my skin was actually burned by it's touch. afterwards i was fighting off thoughts of starting up marry conversation with them. i caught myself looking at them to see if maybe they were doing the same, signifying that atleast they were thinking of me too. i had to keep repeatedly punching myself in heart with the realization that such thoughts were foolish and that i am in this boat alone. finally in the midst of the struggle i gathered up the last bit of rational i had left and used it to get in to my car, my haven, and speed off. now all of the sudden i was noticing all those spots that were bad memories instead of the good places. it was only until i left to go to my relatives house that i was able to forget about all of it. i had no memories of them there so it was a safe place even safer than my car. the hug, in a way, had its blessing though in that it made it easier for me to leave high point. as i took off in the plane my memories were left waving goodbye and i returned to nashville where i have no memories. it is all present here and the lack of past provides both blessing and curse in their own little ways. the city itself right now seems to have a cursed presence lingering over it. today, april 13, it snowed here after raining all day yesterday which, needless to say, doesn't create the most jovial of moods. but this is my house here. this is where my road splits off from my childhood and heads in a direction that is a little less clear and a little less stable than what i am used to which i see as a good thing. that which does not kill me makes me stronger and something God has blessed me with is a strong mind and will so i know that with His aid i'll make it through with benefits. it is a strange present though. i suspect that many songs will yeald from this time. i even feel more poetic in my thinking. i like feeling poetic and i like writing music to express it. anyways, it's off to bed for me. life aint gettin any easier so sleep is my best defense. peace and love.