no sooner do i get back from a wonderful easter break does school bare down with all teeth showing. i am finding that this is the way life works. i try to reason it out as a stage of adaptation where it only appears that every day is getting harder and harder. maybe it is lack of sleep. maybe it is lack of motivation. i'm not quite sure what. i know this much though; i have no love of money. the way i see it is that, as far as society is concerned, i am born to make money. i start my education when i am five years old and finish when i am twenty five. throughout this period i learn all sorts of new things so that i can get a good job when i get out of college so that i can work for the rest of my life to make money, but it will never be enough because our society benefits from unattainable goals. it keeps people working. stop me if i'm wrong, but is that supposed to sound appealing? i don't know. i'm not a communist or anything. this is the system that works, and though it isn't very satisfying, that's just the way it is. i think one of the most appealing ways of life would be to just live off of the land, working with your hands out in nature. i don't know what it is about nature and me, but it's just satisfying. i've also just come to grips with a reality that i've spoken for years but have never understood. when i die, all the money that i work for and all that i have sweated for will mean absolute jack. my brain will decay in my grave and with it the years and years of "liberating" education. that's where school comes in to this story. i spend so much time stressing and worrying over simple things such as grades because i suppose deep down inside i feel as if my life is only constituted of what other people think of me. people would think poorly of me if i were to do poorly in school so it is my motivation to do well. i suppose it's similar motivation to a slave and a whip. as you stumble along with a burdon, you dare not drop it because the whip of other peoples judgement and your engrained "reality" will come crashing down on you relentlessly until you either die or get back up. what if all of the sudden i just packed up all of my things, moved to a foreign place, and did God's work? what would people think of me then? i bet they'd say or atleast think if not for a second "what a waste." or "he's just running away because he's afraid to face what we all have come to cope with." whatever they said or thought i would immagine that the atmosphere would be a sad one, but why? i think it is because we have allowed society to define who we are instead of God. we then assume that surely doing the will of society (education, stability in work, business) is the will of God. i just don't see why i should allow myself to be beaten over such meaningless dribble as what society deems as God's will. maybe i am wrong though in my thinking. maybe i'll just round all of these thoughts up in a collective group and label them "adaptation to life". of course i must also take in to effect that this whole journal has come from a very tired, traveled, and spent mind. a mind that must wake in six hours to take a psychology exam and turn in two papers. this is where my mind is and i can't expect things to improve anytime soon because this is where my mind will be for the next four weeks. peace and love.