i know it has been quite a long time since i have written a journal and there, of course, are many legitamate reasons as to why this is so. first and foremost i have been busy. let me just fill you in on what assignments this week has entialed and the schedule i have taken upon myself to complete such tasks. monday night i pulled an all-nighter and wrote a two page speech on the selective service and then i wrote a five page paper on a book for history class. i finished these two tasks at six am in the morning and then went to bed only to wake at 7:30 to go to my eight o'clock psychology class. after that i came back and went to bed for a very long time (3:30) and then went to my religion class. upon finishing religion i immediately went back to my room and continued working on my religion assignment of 143 terms and definitions where upon discontinuing that for the day followed by stepping on a thumb tack and having it completely enter my foot, i continued to practice my speech. today i woke up at 7:30 again and practiced my speech until it was time to give at 9. The speech was then given in success and i also turned in my five page paper to my history class. after all of this has been completed, i am only half way through. tomorrow i must work on writing 20 portfolio journal enteries due on friday and study for an exam (not a final) that also rests on friday. in short, i'm busy all of the time. i decided to take this evening off just to blow some stress, but tomorrow it's back to the mill stone.

my next excuse for not writing a journal is somewhat related in that i have had nothing out of the ordinary happen to me since i've been doing all of this work. i've pretty much been confined to a desk for the past four or five days, so things tend to not happen that are exciting enough to post. tomorrow i have to wake up at 7:00 to register for classes, but my eight o'clock class is cancled so i'm going back to bed after that. as soon as i wake up though, it's back to work on those journals. i have never failed at procrastination and i do not plan on starting now. i always pull through.

this weekend, considering this week, is going to be glorious. i will have absolutely no assignments due, so i think i might take it upon myself to record more songs. i will, of course, study here and there to prepare for finals, but i'm not going to let it get to me. finals seem to come naturally to me in that i always do much better on them than on any other test throughout the year. i really do need a break though. there have just been far too many stresses in social and academic life lately.

as all of this is finally winding down i've also been confronted with thoughts of what i'm going to do when i get home. right now job opportunities aren't looking too good and i need to make enough money to live off of for next year. also settling down and being an r.a. is another issue, but these are just more stress on the pile and, oddly enough, i'm too numb to even be bothered by it. stress effects me in a strange way. i focus so much energy towards the most immediate threat that i seem to be apathetic towards anything else. it's not that i don't care, it's just that i can't sacrifice the brainspace that caring requires. this is not something that i've learned about myself in college though. i have always been a king of procrastination. fortunately, however, i've also been blessed with the type of mind that doesn't have to work too hard to retain information. life goes on though, and i must go to bed because, again, i have to wake up at 7 to register for classes. peace and love

hey everybody and shannon. i'll give her extra recognition in my journal because she beckoned me to write one today. i wasn't planning on it but i did. the news today isn't much and i've got to make this fast because it's 2am and i have an eigh o'clock class tomorrow. anyways today i got my new condensor mic, a mic stand, and a mic cable. they all three make me happy. i also figured out how to fix my door because the nob was falling off and i didn't like that one bit. productivity was on a low today though simply because i've been ultra busy for the past few days. something i did do was upgrade my web site. (note: if you want to remember where my website is online and you aren't ever on aim then you could add it to your favorites menu, but then that's just my suggestion. i'm not trying to say that my website is your favorite... or maybe i am, i don't know) yes, i have a new song on my website that you might, or might not, want to listen to. now i am going to bed because my thoughts are no longer coherant and that means that whem my alarm goes off in five hours, i'm probably going to have a harder time responding to it also my neighbor thinks it a proper hour to be playing his electric guitar so maybe i'll go to bed AFTER i end his life. peace and love.

the onslought has begun. i am writing my journal at mid day today because i fear that by the end of it i won't be coherant. all aspects of life have begun crashing in to me after a wonderful weekend. see, i wrote and recorded two new songs this weekend, but they're not on my sight yet because i'm not done fixing them up completely. i may wait until my condensor mic gets here to redo the vocals and then post them. other than that i'm not afraid of what i have to face to finish off the year. my actions greatly contributed to most of these circumstances so i'm not bothered. i get myself in tight situations all the time. the fun of it is getting out of the tight situations and looking back to see just how close you were to failure. it's sort of like that same rush i got as a kid playing with a garage door. i'd close it and then wait until it was dangerously close to closing and then i would scoot under it. note that this was BEFORE safety devices were invented to cause a door to stop closing if it were to crush a little child. i calculate my risks quite similarly today whether it be driving, school work, or any kind of deadline. i rule out failure simply because i've failed at very few things. i suppose i fail my self quite often, but that's a different kind of failure. it's more of a disappointment to fail yourself. i remember my taekwondo instructor failed me on purpose once when i was getting my red belt. he went through the stack of boards looking for something that would be impossible for me to break to pass my testing, and he found it. i almost remember breaking my arm on that board because when it came down to the final blow, which is where i put forth the most effort, i did indeed put forth my greatest effort and failed. it hurt my hand, but it wounded my pride. i still remember to this day what that felt like and it has given me a greater sense for success. i weigh my battles though. i never involve myself in something that i know i will fail at, but i don't consider there to be many obsticals out there like that. i might fight someone bigger than me and realize that i have no chance of winning (like big kev down the hall in yesterdays wrestling match), but that's a fun kind of failure. i guess women are about the only obsticals that i have a hard time allowing myself to "battle" for. i've failed there before to in about all the ways you could fail in a situation like that. this is beside the point though. right now i'm late for my business class so i shall be going now. peace and love.

a better day today indeed. sunny warm weather with pleanty of jovial things to do is probably the best way i could put it. and my journal, though shorter today, will in turn be of good cheer. i walked with viking today to the bank. i think we both enjoy getting out of doors every once in a while, and the weather was so nice today. it wasn't too hot and it wasn't too cold. as for the night, i had birthday dinner and good fellowship with my brethren and sistren, and though conversation has left me slightly berift, i shall most likely sleep the sleep of 10,000 tired babies tonight. if God sees it fit that i should wake up in the morning, i think i just may, and then i think i just might go to psychology, then study, then go to religion. until then i shall take in to consideration the present, and in doing so, i shall go to bed. peace and love.

this is what a day like today entails. i woke up and took the dreaded psychology exam and did about as good as i though i would... which isn't that great. after that i just felt... well... i felt exausted so i slept for a good four more hours. upon waking up i made marry with the fellows of the hall and then went to attend my new testament class. i turned in one of my two papers there (the other one turned in in psychology in the morning) and came back to eat dinner and take another nap and begin recording my new song that i wrote over easter. after being well rested i then went to my frat meeting and ate more food and am now here writing this journal. that is quite the abridged version of my day. deep thoughts have been flowing through my head fluidly though. it might be the music i've been listening to or maybe just the mass confusion that i have been facing lately. i'd probably put my money on a bit of both. i realized while i was home that my town is full of memories both good and bad. as i drove around there were literal zones of good memories that i would drive through, and then zones of the bad. i have been trying to avoid pondering too deeply on the bad which made my visit home that much more enjoyable. it wasn't until easter sunday however that many of my bad memories were stirred up that should have remained at the bottom of my mental jar. i could best describe it as pan crust that sits in the bottom of an olive oil jar. when the jar is turned upside down, the dirt comes from the bottom of the jar and mixes in with the oil as a whole which increases contamination. sunday morning i was turned upside down when a person (you know that i know better than to mention names in my journal) came up to me during church and gave me a hug. i have been doing so well at ignoring the fact that they expelled me from their life despite my deepest wishes, and it wasn't really their fault because how could they possibly know what i have been trying to suppress in my mind for years now. that hug, however, threw me back in time as if it were some trigger that fired a cannon ball (my feelings) directly towards the past. i can still feel it though, as if my skin was actually burned by it's touch. afterwards i was fighting off thoughts of starting up marry conversation with them. i caught myself looking at them to see if maybe they were doing the same, signifying that atleast they were thinking of me too. i had to keep repeatedly punching myself in heart with the realization that such thoughts were foolish and that i am in this boat alone. finally in the midst of the struggle i gathered up the last bit of rational i had left and used it to get in to my car, my haven, and speed off. now all of the sudden i was noticing all those spots that were bad memories instead of the good places. it was only until i left to go to my relatives house that i was able to forget about all of it. i had no memories of them there so it was a safe place even safer than my car. the hug, in a way, had its blessing though in that it made it easier for me to leave high point. as i took off in the plane my memories were left waving goodbye and i returned to nashville where i have no memories. it is all present here and the lack of past provides both blessing and curse in their own little ways. the city itself right now seems to have a cursed presence lingering over it. today, april 13, it snowed here after raining all day yesterday which, needless to say, doesn't create the most jovial of moods. but this is my house here. this is where my road splits off from my childhood and heads in a direction that is a little less clear and a little less stable than what i am used to which i see as a good thing. that which does not kill me makes me stronger and something God has blessed me with is a strong mind and will so i know that with His aid i'll make it through with benefits. it is a strange present though. i suspect that many songs will yeald from this time. i even feel more poetic in my thinking. i like feeling poetic and i like writing music to express it. anyways, it's off to bed for me. life aint gettin any easier so sleep is my best defense. peace and love.

no sooner do i get back from a wonderful easter break does school bare down with all teeth showing. i am finding that this is the way life works. i try to reason it out as a stage of adaptation where it only appears that every day is getting harder and harder. maybe it is lack of sleep. maybe it is lack of motivation. i'm not quite sure what. i know this much though; i have no love of money. the way i see it is that, as far as society is concerned, i am born to make money. i start my education when i am five years old and finish when i am twenty five. throughout this period i learn all sorts of new things so that i can get a good job when i get out of college so that i can work for the rest of my life to make money, but it will never be enough because our society benefits from unattainable goals. it keeps people working. stop me if i'm wrong, but is that supposed to sound appealing? i don't know. i'm not a communist or anything. this is the system that works, and though it isn't very satisfying, that's just the way it is. i think one of the most appealing ways of life would be to just live off of the land, working with your hands out in nature. i don't know what it is about nature and me, but it's just satisfying. i've also just come to grips with a reality that i've spoken for years but have never understood. when i die, all the money that i work for and all that i have sweated for will mean absolute jack. my brain will decay in my grave and with it the years and years of "liberating" education. that's where school comes in to this story. i spend so much time stressing and worrying over simple things such as grades because i suppose deep down inside i feel as if my life is only constituted of what other people think of me. people would think poorly of me if i were to do poorly in school so it is my motivation to do well. i suppose it's similar motivation to a slave and a whip. as you stumble along with a burdon, you dare not drop it because the whip of other peoples judgement and your engrained "reality" will come crashing down on you relentlessly until you either die or get back up. what if all of the sudden i just packed up all of my things, moved to a foreign place, and did God's work? what would people think of me then? i bet they'd say or atleast think if not for a second "what a waste." or "he's just running away because he's afraid to face what we all have come to cope with." whatever they said or thought i would immagine that the atmosphere would be a sad one, but why? i think it is because we have allowed society to define who we are instead of God. we then assume that surely doing the will of society (education, stability in work, business) is the will of God. i just don't see why i should allow myself to be beaten over such meaningless dribble as what society deems as God's will. maybe i am wrong though in my thinking. maybe i'll just round all of these thoughts up in a collective group and label them "adaptation to life". of course i must also take in to effect that this whole journal has come from a very tired, traveled, and spent mind. a mind that must wake in six hours to take a psychology exam and turn in two papers. this is where my mind is and i can't expect things to improve anytime soon because this is where my mind will be for the next four weeks. peace and love.

i'm 20 years old now... yippee... i do have a speech tomorrow and i need now prepare for it. then i will be coming home. that's great news for me. well, i'll talk to y'all later. peace and love...

i think i actually might have some interesting stuff to talk about this journal entry. it looks to me that i haven't written anything since last wednesday which means that lots has happened since. i'm going to start off with friday because i can't think of anything of importance that happened thursday, so here we go. friday was a short day, which is just the way i like it. most fridays can tend to be grueling simply because one's focus is so entangled in the activities of the weekend that it seems like eternity must pass before recreation will arrive. the speedy passing of friday was quite odd though in that i was going to be having a wonderful weekend of camping with my fraternity brothers at shackle island starting just at the end of the day. before i knew it two o'clock had arrived and i was already on my way over. we got there and we set up camp which is one of my favorite things to do (especially setting up the fire). i have found that my enjoyment lies in defeating my records set in the past with as little complication from mother nature as possible, and it all comes down to basically a one-on-one fight between she and i. now the activities were great. once again we played football, and at a music/art school i just happen to be pretty decent at athletics, so i actually got some good playing in. we had good food, good conversation, and we layed around in the grass for a pretty good portion of the trip. misteak number one though is to remember not to fall asleep outside in the first heat of the summer with your shirt off. i am, right now, burnt to a crisp, and, as a result of football, more soar than most occasions. it is a very satisfying pain though. sleep was another thing hard to come by because night was soo cold. having a tent and not having to sleep outside in the rain like last time was a definite plus though. it really reminded me how nice it is to escape everyday life and just be outside away from all the stuff that i "need". it's just a great time to learn about yourself and about God. i remember before i came to school i went on that camping trip by my self. it was great because i finally got to see that i could actually do something of that magnitude by myself. now for the average joe, i don't think anyone would have enjoyed being there with me. it was raining the whole time and i couldn't get a long lasting fire started. i had enough tender to heat up some sausage and soup for my meals, and my old tent leaked so everything i had got wet. i really enjoyed that trip though because of the challenge in that i couldn't rely on anyone else to do what needed to be done for me. i basically got to know myself more than i ever had before which was nice to do just before college. also it was quiet. i had no reason to say anything because there was no one there for me to talk to. any noise i heard was either from the rain, my guitar, or the random discouraging mumbles i gave myself over the fire, the lack of catching fish, or the fight i got in with the skunk. in short, i have really formed a love for the outdoors. i think i'll go camping more often. moving on; since returning home today, i have also partaken in another adventure. a few of us brothers had to go to columbia TN today to pick up a piano for our bash tomorrow. it's a fundraiser that involves sledge hammers and pianos if you were wondering. anyways, we went to get it and it weighed a ton. it's a player piano so it basically has a metal skeleton. when we got back we were supposed to meet the truck with the piano in it in front of pembroke, but on the way to the meeting point, there is this little wall in the parking lot that i usually jump over with ease and so i went about it in the usual manner, but then found myself in mid air remembering that i was quite soar, so i couldn't make the jump and caught the edge of the top of the concrete wall with my shin. it's bleeding alot right now, but it is just another battle scar. it doesn't hurt that much which is nice. anyways, that is pretty much my weekend. now i have lots to do before i fly home wednesday, but i don't think it will be so bad.

so i'm finally going to bed early (if you could call midnight early). i've just been doing some weird stuff with my alarm lately and i need to teach myself to stop. for instance on tuesday morning i got out of bed, turned off my alarm and climbed back up on the top bunk... without waking up. it was then when i woke up at 8:55 and realized that i was late to my 8 o'clock class. don't worry too much about that though because it is the first time i've ever missed that class anyways. this morning i don't even know what i did. i woke up just as i climbed back in to bed so in a sense i caught myself in the act. it seemed that somehow i turned the radio on to a talk show and then tried to sneak back to sleep without waking myself up. i caught myself just as i slid under the covers so i wasn't late which is a good thing because i can't miss any more days in my monday wednesday friday class. it is going to be a busy rest of the week though. i've just got lots to prepare for, and with finals coming up, i have to be on my best behavior. i'm probably going to be doing a good bit of work when i come home for easter just to try and play catch-up, but unfortunately it will probably only make a dent in my pile. i can look on the bright side though. i've never totally just not done something. i can usually motivate myself when "sink or swim" time swings around to swim. sure it is hard and it's not for everyone, but i consider it to be an adventure. on an up note though, i feel as if i have a greater capacity for stress. usually, kinda like a water balloon, i would just get to a certain point and pop, but now i'm handling it better. the news about ansley's cancer has hit me quite hard though. i have been praying harder for her than i have ever prayed in my entire life and i know that God has complete control over the situation. it's just that some times God's plan and His will get me so confused. i have not been in great communication with back home, but i know that it has hit everyone as a suprise. all i ask is that you pray for her and her family though. that is the most powerful thing we can do right now. peace and love.