I'm up way later than I should be. I need to sleep, but I can't. I've got way too much on my mind. I know it's bad when I start cleaning. It's 1am and I just finished cleaning the bathroom. Short choppy sentences, also an indicator. Let me calm down a little bit and try to articulate this.
Dealing with uncertainty is and always has been one of the hardest opponents for me to face. I like to know what it is I'm getting into, and if I don't have a clue, I sit back and I do all sorts of research on the matter until I feel like I have a pretty good bead on things. It all boils down to control. Am I in control or aren't I? Is God in control? Sometimes I just get so frustrated with my need to know. It's not right, or maybe sometimes it is. But how much of my own heart can I really trust? I've never put too much stock in the whole "follow your heart" mantra, but do I not for the right reasons? Logic would convince me that following your heart with little restraint can lead you down foolish paths, but perhaps I become timid in the face of my passion because I can't control where it will take me. So I'm standing here looking down a road with very poor visibility and it drives me crazy. The desire for adventure meets my control nature, and thus, internal duality. I want to go, but the unknown changes that will happen in me as I take each step past this point... that scares the hell out of me. So it becomes a faith thing. Do I trust that the God who loves me will keep His promises? Do I really believe that? Do I believe that I know God's will well enough to even answer that question? I'm a loose cannon and, as they commonly say in epic movies, I'm either incredibly brave or incredibly foolish. But for the first time, and this is the kicker, for the first time I really don't want to know. And that's how I feel. That's why I can't sleep. This part of me effects so many different areas of my life, whether it be work, spirituality, relationships, whatever. I've been wrestling with this for a while now. I just haven't talked to anyone about it yet either because I don't think they have the time to hear it or because I'm to proud, ashamed, or untrusting. I would write it on a public journal though. Tell me if that makes any sense...
Peace and love
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Dood...I hardly think any of us is too busy to not to listen to whatever is bothering you...
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate to what you are saying my man. And I feel the same way you do about spilling my guts to people...same fears and notions. As Burl said, I'm never too busy to listen to what's bothering you. I know it is tough to do, but you can always come to me if you want to.
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