I Don't Know How to Say It

I wrote an entire journal earlier today. I was feeling anxious and angry, slightly bitter and all around negative. When I was done, I sat and thought so hard about hitting the "publish" button. I knew it might hurt people's feelings, but did I care or not? After all, would they even be the kind of people who would read my journal? I didn't know. But for some reason I felt like writing a public journal about how I felt would be the best medicine. It would aleviate my pain. So I sat and sat and sat, still deliberating. I thought of how long it took me to write, and it seemed so poignant. Finally I took a deep breath and clicked the mouse.

"Are you sure?"
... "Yes."

I deleted it. I'm glad I deleted it. I don't know what I thought I was going to accomplish. Even if nobody read it, I would know. That really stuck with me for a good while too. As I was driving across town, I thought about my weaknesses. I thought about maybe writing a journal about them. Maybe if I were to just tell everybody what all I know about my shortcomings, it would somehow make my life easier. Sure, I might have less respect and less friends, but I would feel honest. Well, I don't think I'm quite at that stage yet, even though I did give it some solid consideration. I will, however, mention one.

It has cost me so much to hold on to yet it hasn't really yielded any reward. Can you relate to that? I don't know why this is still a problem for me because I'm definitely aware of it. I don't know what to call it either, I just know what it looks like. It starts out with me being overanalytical about something, usually a person. I'll stew on it for a while and write all of these diagnosees on what I think the problem could be. It makes me feel good to be able to label something, especially if I need to find something to be angry at. I can't just BE angry, I have to be angry WITH someone. But then I struggle with doubt. Am I being just? Does this person really deserve everything I'm throwing at them? It can't be my fault, and the way I convince myself of this is by bringing other people in on it. I can tell a pretty mean story on something I'm passionate about, and when you have a captive audience, it's easy to create a protagonist and an antagonist. After all, most everybody wants to be entertained and feel passionate about something, and if they already like you, it's easy for them to climb aboard. So once I've raised my army, I feel just... I feel just, until my army realizes that I... am an ass. Once my army realizes that I'm an ass, I too soon realize that I am an ass.

It happens a lot.

I've said that I don't know exactly what to call the cycle itself, but I do have a name for the root of the problem. The cycle is a fruit of pride. One of my great weaknesses is pride.

But I don't want to keep talking about my pride right now. I feel stirred beyond that. I just got finished watching this movie that really inspired me. There was a scene in it where this woman looked into this man's eyes and told him that she believed in him and that he had a purpose. That's what I've wanted for a long time, not specifically from a woman, but just to hear those words from a genuine person. I've heard it before, but sometimes I get so lost in the mundain that I forget. I have no passion or drive because why should I? It's only when someone comes up to me and recognizes my potentials and gifts and tells me that I have a purpose, only then do I really come alive. It's like a hand reaching in for a drowning victim.

Peace and love.