Christmas Eve

Interesting... very interesting. I'm just gunna throw this out there, but I enjoyed myself today. Let me tell you how refreshing it was to sing for a large group of people who enjoy the deeper passions of music. I stayed up pretty late last night. I think I got in and switched the light off by 1:30am which made today a bit more difficult, but I enjoyed myself last night, so everything has turned out fine. I woke up this morning at about 6:30. I layed in bed with the light on for a while and just looked at the celing, wishing that I could just hit the snooze button, but my cell phone (which is what I use for an alarm when I'm away from my house) has no snooze button. I should consider using my cell phone more often because it really checks my laziness. In the shower I went over lyrics in my head over and over again. As I bent my head down and let the warm water flow over my face, I closed my eyes and thought about how I was going to deliver my song, and I was worried about whether or not I could hit the high note in the other song I was supposed to sing. I just couldn't focus on the true purpose or contain within my being the trust that everything would be pieced togethere as it should be. I drove to church that morning and sang along with the track of Oh Holy Night to make sure I warmed up my voice enough, and when I got there I went to work setting up my computer to play the tracks I had recorded over the main speakers and do a sort of live/recorded hybrid performance. When I got my computer loaded, it wouldn't play the song. It just wouldn't do it. I had the same problem when I was there Wednesday. For some reason it just wouldn't play right. So I decided to take it as a sign. I was just going to play accoustic and leave it at that.

When all of the singing was over, I was full of energy. It was so refreshing to hear people express their enjoyment of my performance, but that's just not enough for me to be satisfied. My satisfaction came by a woman who pulled me aside to tell me how deeply my song meant to her. She was holding back tears as she told me that her brother-in-law had commited suicide earlier that week. She said that he just couldn't accept the love of Christ. That's what my song was about and it really ministered to her so much that she asked me to play at his service. Unfortunately I'll be in St. Louis when the service transpires, so I decided to fire my computer back up and burn her a CD. I gave her the original lyric sheet to go with it and she gave me a big hug and left. Later at the night service, she came back and told me how much my song had ministered to her entire family.

That is what I needed to feel. I'm thankful that God has not taken my ability to minister through music from me. I needed to know that I still had it.

Other than that I got several comments on how strong my voice has become and a guy even offered me an opportunity to come down to his church in Charleston in May to see their opporation. He asked me if I was interested in the ministry when I graduated. I said yes.

Maybe things will piece together for me this year, maybe they won't. Maybe I will find a job that I am passionate about, and maybe I won't. Maybe I will discover my purpose, maybe I won't. Maybe I will find love, maybe I won't. Either way, tonight, I feel encouraged.

Peace and love.

Ominous

This morning feels strange, like it coudl be out of a movie. It's not really any different inside, but when I went outside it was so quiet, and I live in a downtown area. But there was a light fog stretching down from the dark grey sky making it still look like twilight even though it was noon. There was also an entier flock of ravens perched on a dead tree in our back yard. None of the trees have leaves, so they all look dead, but only one of them actually is dead... or dying... I'm not really sure. It just felt really ominous and dim, like a horror movie.

Also

Tis the season. Tis the season when some people remember that they're too poor to get the people they care about the gifts that they think they deserve. Someday I'm going to have a real job though, and then I won't have to worry as much about that. This is my last Christmas as a college inflicted man.

I'm going to give a quick shout out. I really like playing hearts. I just wanted to put that out there. I learned how at Karl's house the other day and I've played twice since. Well, I've gotta go set up a Nativity Scene and then go clean some windows. Peace and love.

Songs

So I wrote a song for the Christmas Eve service of my church becuase they asked me to. I wrote it about four days ago and I was pretty happy with where the lyrics were going. I recorded it with Andy the next day and I was pretty happy with where it ended up. It wasn't until I handed it in that I had my doubts. I'm nervous about it. I want people to hear good music, and sometimes I just doubt my abilities to produce it. I've already commited to it though, so here we go I guess.

I Don't Know How to Say It

I wrote an entire journal earlier today. I was feeling anxious and angry, slightly bitter and all around negative. When I was done, I sat and thought so hard about hitting the "publish" button. I knew it might hurt people's feelings, but did I care or not? After all, would they even be the kind of people who would read my journal? I didn't know. But for some reason I felt like writing a public journal about how I felt would be the best medicine. It would aleviate my pain. So I sat and sat and sat, still deliberating. I thought of how long it took me to write, and it seemed so poignant. Finally I took a deep breath and clicked the mouse.

"Are you sure?"
... "Yes."

I deleted it. I'm glad I deleted it. I don't know what I thought I was going to accomplish. Even if nobody read it, I would know. That really stuck with me for a good while too. As I was driving across town, I thought about my weaknesses. I thought about maybe writing a journal about them. Maybe if I were to just tell everybody what all I know about my shortcomings, it would somehow make my life easier. Sure, I might have less respect and less friends, but I would feel honest. Well, I don't think I'm quite at that stage yet, even though I did give it some solid consideration. I will, however, mention one.

It has cost me so much to hold on to yet it hasn't really yielded any reward. Can you relate to that? I don't know why this is still a problem for me because I'm definitely aware of it. I don't know what to call it either, I just know what it looks like. It starts out with me being overanalytical about something, usually a person. I'll stew on it for a while and write all of these diagnosees on what I think the problem could be. It makes me feel good to be able to label something, especially if I need to find something to be angry at. I can't just BE angry, I have to be angry WITH someone. But then I struggle with doubt. Am I being just? Does this person really deserve everything I'm throwing at them? It can't be my fault, and the way I convince myself of this is by bringing other people in on it. I can tell a pretty mean story on something I'm passionate about, and when you have a captive audience, it's easy to create a protagonist and an antagonist. After all, most everybody wants to be entertained and feel passionate about something, and if they already like you, it's easy for them to climb aboard. So once I've raised my army, I feel just... I feel just, until my army realizes that I... am an ass. Once my army realizes that I'm an ass, I too soon realize that I am an ass.

It happens a lot.

I've said that I don't know exactly what to call the cycle itself, but I do have a name for the root of the problem. The cycle is a fruit of pride. One of my great weaknesses is pride.

But I don't want to keep talking about my pride right now. I feel stirred beyond that. I just got finished watching this movie that really inspired me. There was a scene in it where this woman looked into this man's eyes and told him that she believed in him and that he had a purpose. That's what I've wanted for a long time, not specifically from a woman, but just to hear those words from a genuine person. I've heard it before, but sometimes I get so lost in the mundain that I forget. I have no passion or drive because why should I? It's only when someone comes up to me and recognizes my potentials and gifts and tells me that I have a purpose, only then do I really come alive. It's like a hand reaching in for a drowning victim.

Peace and love.

Home for the Holidays

I'm back in High Point now and things are looking up. My expreience here thus far is refreshing partly because the people here understand me in a different way. I say different because it's not as if the people in Nashville understand me in a wrong way, but it just isn't the same. The folks here are more used to my quirks. It's refreshing when you're down and a friend asks you "what's the matter?" Whenever I'm feeling down in Nashville, for the most part, people leave me alone. Sometimes that's nice, but not all of the time.

It's a time of planning and preperation though. I'd staple the theme of this Christmas Break with "Making Decisions for Next Year". Once school starts back I'm going to disappear for the rest of the semester I'll be so busy. I won't have time to organize my future. I also need to remember to relax too. I need a good amount of energy to get back into this coming school year. But what am I going to do? I'm going to start putting together my resume and throwing it out to different areas of the country near sites of possible interest to me. I'm pretty sure Asbury (Kentucky) is off of the list. I was considering it last week, but I've changed my mind. I'm still not opposed to CIU or South Eastern though (That would be Columbus or Raleigh).

I'm also going to try and write a lot of music and record it with Andy over break. I need some artistic release. I'm sick of so many people in Nashville not giving a damn. I know they think I'm just in denial, that my music really isn't that good, but I know that's not true. I've seen what my music has done to people around the world. I'm not even asking for great numbers, but if a few people enjoy it, I will continue to make it because that's what I love.

I'm still talking though. I need to get to work. I'm also going to be doing odd jobs to make enough money to pay rent at the house come the end of the month, so it's not all completely fun and games, but I don't mind the work. It'll be a good break from valet.

Peace and love.

Took a Fall

This was the worst day of exams I was going to encounter for the semester. I had physics and calculus back to back and I wasn't ready for either. I ended up doing pretty well in physics though, but as for calculus... well I can't say I've ever been more discouraged in my life. My stomach was churning and I wanted something heavy to just fall on me and end it quick... or painfully... at that moment I didn't really care. But I handed it in all the same and for the rest of the day I've been trying to unwind.

I think that test triggered something in me though. I mean I haven't been exactly stress-free for the past few weeks, but today it all came to a head. I wanted to explode in the shadow of my failures. I just wanted something or someone to completely take my mind off of the load I insisted in carrying today. I gotta tell ya, being a type A personality is really intense. I mean that in saying that all of the advantages are really high but all of the disadvantages are really low. For example, I succeed under pressure, but on the down-side if I were to fail, I insist on carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I turn inward and interrogate myself until I can pinpoint exactly what it is and deal with it. That's what I was dealing with earlier today. Tonight, however, I was dealing with the pitfalls of my alpha male tendencies. I chose to isolate myself from everyone else tonight just to wrestle with it and I'm honestly not quite done yet. I was hurt, and when I get hurt, I get aggressive. But I'm aware of the problem, that's for sure. I was talking with Mitch about it. He does well at not just listening, but also giving good advice, so I enjoy our times together of equally contributing solutions to each other's problems. But yeah, I was talking to Mitch about it and he said rather unsurprisingly "Nate, you're not really telling me anything I don't know about you. You've always been the 'alpha male' type and sometimes you suck for it." It's true. Sometimes I do suck for it. But tonight I didn't get aggressive at all. I refrained from saying anything harsh, I stayed calm, and I went out by myself for the night. I felt like I handled it well.

So what did I do... let's see... Well, I went to the mall first-off to find a coffee shop to just sit in, sip some chi tea, and read for a while. That was nice and I'm really considering doing that more often. Then I went and watched Appocalypto by myself. I've never really minded watching movies by myself because I don't ever really spend time talking with anyone I go with during the movie anyways, so what's the difference? Now I'm back in the cold house. It is so incredibly cold here right now. My space heater isn't really making much of a difference and this journal is taking forever because my fingers are frozen. Why am I even writing right now? I need sleep. Peace and love.

Dead Day 7th

It's time. The quality of my work this semester will be determined within the next two days. I have three exams to churn through and two of the hardest, that's Calc and Physics, are both on Friday. I'm nervous, I really am. I don't know how I'm going to do in Calc. I'm trying not to get stressed out about it, but failures at this level are expensive. What else is expensive? The increasing possibility that I might have to stay and take a summer class or two. ... ... This week got pretty intense pretty fast. Not to mention school and work are really beginning to disagree with eachother. Over the summer I didn't think it would be too difficult to manage both, but it is. It's not physically strenuous, but mentally, I just can't take it. I'm divided into several parts and it's really tiring.

But this is just me venting during finals. I'm happy in a broader sense. I've got a lot to look forward to. And, come to mention it, I'm sorta glad that I'm having a difficult time. I would be disappointed and bored if this were easy. But I'm mostly just sorry for the people who have to endure these harder times with me. I realize that my successes and failures don't just simply affect me anymore, they weigh on the people around me too. I figure that will only become more and more true as life moves on. Peace and love.

Writing

Sometimes I wonder if I majored in the wrong field. I mean I enjoy the studio and I enjoy music, but I'm not passionately in love with engineering. Maybe it's because I'm so immersed in it here. I'm sure that has something to do with it, but I really feel drawn to writing. I know, I know, I know. I know exactly what you're thinking. If you're a regular reader of my journal, you have a completely legitimate foundation to believe that I would never make it as a writer. That might be true, but I just really love writing. I love the expression of it. I love just sitting down and trying to think about how I feel or what I know. Even papers for school don't really bother me that much. I just wrote ten pages worth of research papers this weekend, and I actually liked it. It was flowing out of me... probably not my best work, but I feel pretty good about it. So ultimately today I don't really have that much else to say. This is going to be a short journal. I would, however, like to mention that the girls brought us cookies and a card tonight. I love those girls. They're awesome.

Peace and love.

Being Cold and Happy | ALSO | Updated Understanding of Desireable Women

I slept in. I slept in. Every time I say it I am... well... pleased, to say the least. When I woke up I rolled over enough to turn on the tv. I watched a complete movie before I even got up and then I just migrated (with my space heater) out into the living room. Matt cooked everyone a nice breakfast of French toast and we sat and watched another movie. It was a good day to sit around and watch movies. But after that one was over it was almost three, so Matt had to go to work and I felt refreshed enough to start my day up. I know that sound really lazy. I'm mean it is lazy, but I feel that I can rectify that with the rest of my day.

I spent a good 45 minutes getting showered and wrapped up in enough cloths to spend a long period of time outside in, and when that was all said and done with I jumped in my car and made my way downtown. I crossed the river to the east bank because the east bank of Nashville is crappy, so the parking is generally free. I then walked to the middle of the pedestrian bridge and looked over the water at Nashville's skyline. I was listening to Kenneth Copeland at that moment and then I switched over to Elliot Smith. I doubt they would have ever been friends if they met, but it all seemed agreeable at the time. My face started to get really cold way up high on that bridge over the water, but I didn't really mind. It's what you would call "good cold". It, along with the music, and the setting sun, seemed like it just fit the rest of the picture, and that picture gave me a good feeling. But that wasn't why I was there. I went because I needed to sketch the sculpture on the crest of the symphony hall just on the other side of the bridge. I did, and even that was relaxing because it was a new activity for me. My hands eventually got cold though, and no matter what, there is nothing that makes having my hands go numb that is "ok" (same with my feet which have been cold for the past two days). It was really difficult to finish a sketch when you can't feel your fingers. That means that you are dictating your pencil based on the movement of your arms and the trust that your fingers are too frozen to release grip.

When I was done I felt like it was too pure of a moment to just pack up and leave, so I decided to mingle around for a while. I walked around downtown and made my way through all of the tourists up to the Sheraton. I figured that since I was so close, I might as well pick up my check. When I got there though, it was packed. I just got my check and left without talking to anyone. I doubt they could have spared the time. But then I made my way down to second street from Church and found a little pizza joint. I picked up a stromboli to go so I could hold it to keep my hands warm and then eat it once I got to my car. I did just that, in that order.

For the rest of the night I wrote my art paper, but I still haven't finished. I've just been so distracted recently. I'm not worried or anything because I know I can handle what it is that I have to do, but It's been hard to sleep lately for sure.

I got to thinking, though, about how long it's been since I last posted on girls. Man, I used to be so lovestruck. I guess that part of me is still alive somewhere, though I'm glad he took a vacation. It has been nice to decipher what it is that I really desire. That's what I wanted to write about tonight. I want to write it down because I hope to look back on it someday and either estabish the fact that I was wise or that I was a dumb-ass.

So here it is. The verdict.

I suppose that last year I learned more than my fair share about women. In all reality, I was seriously just out of control. I was impulsive, aiming high, and missing my mark drastically. If I were still on the market, I would well deserve the staple of a guy you shouldn't date. Not that I'm that way now, but my friends know. I was shallow and emotionally unstable.

That's a mighty large preface to say this: that I learned by several failures as to, not what it is I'm looking for, but what it is that I need. It really wasn't until Friday that it hit me. Some freshmen guys asked me some advice on dating and what I thought a valuable woman looked like. I told them that there are three cardinal traits to look for.

First off, she has to dress modestly. Sure, the girls that are "fun" wear cloths as if fabric was a war ration, but what you have to remember is that the ones who are seductive and flirtatious now have a good chance to be the same later on, except to other men and not their husbands. It's these kinds of girls that my friend Brian reffers to as the ones who try men on like shoes. I don't care what is politically correct. You can tell a lot about someone by the way they dress.

Secondly, you want to find a girl with a servant's heart. If she serves others without gain, if she knows what it means to sacrifice, that is a strong indicator that she knows what true God-love is. The girls who don't know service and sacrifice are the ones who generally have high-set ideals about what they deserve. They'll slip into a relationship as if it was a warm bath and then they will begin to become excessively demanding, but with no give. They will take everything you have and still not be satisfied.

Thirdly, she must guard herself. If she closely guards her body, soul, and spirit, that means she finds value in herself. I don't mean "Hey, I'm awesome" value. I mean "God made me with a purpose" value. There is a difference. It's strangely attractive when you ask a girl if you can kiss her in the heat of a passionate moment and she says no. Girls like these tend to keep even keels in a relationship.

Having stated all of these traits, I realize how men still might feel. It's difficult and discouraging. These girls never seem interested in dating, but at the same time, it's sorta hot. You really have to get down and fight for these kinds of girls, and for men, that is a very fulfilling undertaking. But also remember that it's these kinds of rare women that don't go for the "bad guy". They want a man with similar traits and values.

It cost me several bumps and bruises to figure all of that out. I don't know if I'm right or not. Maybe I just offended the entier opposite sex, I don't know. I'm not payed to understand women. But I feel fine about where I am in my understanding. Sometimes I'm tempted to be in a hurry, but that is a sign of hoplessness. God definitaly has it worked out for me, and for you, and... well... why jump the gun, ya know? Peace and love.

Life, Passion, Happiness

Not much happened out of the usual this morning. I woke up and readied myself for school. It was, of course, cloudy with promise of rain today, but that's just Nashville for ya. I drug myself to my car, slid the key into the ignition, and then slipped away into mental lockdown. When you don't feel passion about what it is that you do everyday, you inevitably become a machine. Your mind flips off and the only processing you are familiar with is the task at hand. Ah, but I hate that. I've always had a deep inner desire for something phenominal to happen in my day-to-day, but nothing ever seems to come along. Maybe that's how most people feel, I can't really say.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I do wake up in the middle of the day. I remember waking up today. I was walking out of art class and we had just watched a clip from "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I find that movie to be particularly inspiring so that may have had something to do with it. But when I walked outside, the sun was breaking through the clouds. I haven't seen the sun for days now and I was really beginning to miss it. It really seemed appropriate, too, having the sun break through the grey like that. That is, after all, how I feel right now in the midst of finals and, well... life in general. But at that very moment I felt happy about life. I couldn't help but smile and soak it all in. The air felt nice, the sun felt warm, and I really felt genuinly care-free. And for the rest of the day I was met with quite a bit of adversity, but nothing seemed to wipe the smile off of my face. It was a good feeling.

I don't have that very much. I wish I did, but I tend to meet everyone's (and by 'everyone's' I mean business relationships) expectations when I perform like a machine rather than myself. I also generally have several things on my mind, things that I'm trying to sort through and/or figure out. It weighs you down after a while until you just feel serious and dry all of the time.

I was thinking today about the people in my life that are passionate and intrigued by... pretty much everything. I like being around those kinds of people. They help me forget about of the insignificant crap that I spend so much time worrying about. I think what my problem is, though, is that I haven't really found my passion yet. I'm doing doing doing all of the time so I can meet expectations, but I've never explored my own interests. I tend to take the road that seems the best readily available rather than looking for THE best one out there. It might be something that society doesn't deem as particularly glamorous, but more and more I'm learning to not really care about society's classification of spectacular.

Above all else though, I'm praying for change in my heart and mind rather than in my life. I know enough about happiness to understand that it isn't about circumstance, but about the heart. Some of the most circumstantially disenfranchised people in the world also maintain happiness. I ask myself why and what I keep coming back to is that they understand the placement of the way things are. They see God as God and themselves as themselves. Whether or not they understand their purpose is moot. They follow their passion, that little spark in their lives that says "Yes, this is what you were created to do."

So, the biggest lesson I have yet to learn is... where is my passion? I know all about audio engineering, singing, leadership, travel, school work, and service jobs, but where is my passion? Maybe it's possible that I have already met it and it's just not that flattering to me. I suspect that I should be rational about it and accept that as a possibility. Ah, but I have the blessing/curse of being a hopeless romantic. Just as I believe that when I see my wife for the first time, I'll know it, so too do I believe that when I find my passion, I will know it. Maybe I'm damned for such a mentality. I mean romantics didn't catch the header of "hopeless" for no reason. But that is my belief, and as my philosophy professor taught, you cannot disprove someone's beliefs. Peace and love.