Set it Up... Tear it Down

I don't know what to say. I'm really pumped up right now, but I shouldn't be. I should be entering into that phaze of "almost asleep", but no. We'll see how I feel by the end of this journal.

Reading through my posts has delivered to me a new idea that I might adopt. I think I reveal too much about myself in this very public journal, so I might ponder my thoughts a bit more before I put them in print. Having said that... I don't know where to really begin.

I'm so anxious right now I could explode. I want to just take off and do something seperate from my routine. I want to camp, go spalunking, SOMETHING wild. I feel to confined by this world that has risen up around me. My dreams have been robbed and replaced with mediocrity, no longer in the motivation of making a difference (which is now considered as nieve among the professional society), but in the motivation of making ends meet. I feel like I'm being swallowed up in something irreversible. After all, I've got far too much passion to spend sitting behind a desk or performing any other form of "coming to grips with reality". I'm not as creative as I used to be. I've been dumbed up. I noted this as I was listening to music I wrote years back that I've keept locked in the vaults. I just don't write music like that anymore, and I sit and wonder why? It's because I don't have the time. I'm spred so thin over so many responsibilities that are supposed to "build my future" that I've sacrificed my soul.

AAAAARRRRRGGGG!

If I keep that up, I'm going to suck at both being a father and a husband and a whatever else life delivers my way. I've got to know when to put my foot down. I can't let this world confuse me as to what are REALLY the most important things in life. I shake my fist at you college... I shake my fist at YOU! I beat up a 6'2" 190lbs man last week and I can beat you up too if you make me!

But let me calm back down for a moment. The new week is about to begin and it will end up beign whatever I make it. I know that sounds cliche, but it has some truth to it. If I wake up tomorrow and drone on about how "I have to do this", and "I have to do that." then I will inevitably hate my life. However, if I wake up with some motivation resting behind me, I might just be more proned to showing that stupid grin I have more often, WHICH, by the way, looks even more goofy these days as No Shave November continues. I might have a full 70's cop moustache by the end of the month! Oh, and hey, I just cooked some eggs at midnight tonight in Hail's kitchen with Aaron. I was hungry and that's really all I have in my fridge right now.

I've been recording alot lately though, and this whole band idea is really taking off. We might end up with a healthy four members if Stuffy decides to join. He has expressed interest, but it's up to him whether or not he likes our sound. Oh, and the studio has been kind as of late, even though I feel kinda geek like for spending so much time there. Speaking of which, we were in the middle of a session on Saturday and the power went out! I was a bit worried that we had lost everything, but when the power came back on, we found out that Radar had backed everything up automatically.

Ya know, come to think of it, lots of stressful stuff has happened to me this weekend that I've taken in stride. A pair of my $60 headphones got completely blown out in a later session on Saturday, and my assistant thought it was his fault and he looked at me like I was about to whip him within an inch of his life... but I didn't. I sat back and was satisfied that atleast they served me well in their two years of cooperation. At that moment they had died, and no matter of getting angry about it was going to change the situation.

And what's tomorrow? Let's see... I'm going to have to do something with my room. It's a mess, and in relationship to that, so is my mind. I've got to fill out my application for Community Conduct Board. I need to contact my guy about the convo I'm running in two weeks. OH, AND I get my next HIV vaccination shot tomorrow. I'm starting to think I'm on the fake one because I'm not feeling any differently, and usually vacceens make me feel a little odd at first. But that's the most of tomorrow.

So enough said. I think I'm going to take some time and get quite by my reading lamp. I need to really focus on some decisions I'm making right now and whether or not they're right. In short, just because you want something, doesn't make it the right thing. Better put by Spiderman:

"Sometimes we have to lay down our dreams and the things we want the most in order to do what is right."

Life will never get easier. We will just get more experienced.

Peace and love.