I slept in this morning which was GREAT! Some people feel guilty when they sleep in, but not me. My day isn't based upon how long the sun is in the sky. It's based upon how long I have to be awake, which makes sleeping in a more practical concept. However, when I enter into the real world, my sleep habbits will more than likely have to change. It's sorta funny in a way, watching my graduated friends slowly crawl into the norm of the habbits of the working man. Me? I'm aware that change is on the horizon, but I embrace the time I have here.
Anyways, today was a beautiful day. I threw the frisbee with Viking for a while and then went back to the house to visit. I also went along with Chubbs to the studio to take a look around and help out here and there so he could get home faster. It's a pretty nice studio if you ask me. Sorta fun to visit one now that I know pretty well how to use most of the equipment (or atleast I'm well on my way to).
But things have been on my mind lately. Has there ever been something that bothered you but you just couldn't put a thumb on it? That's what is happening to me right now. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but something is really bothering me. So I've been spending a good amount of time thinking to myself, searching through my memmory to see what it might be. Nothing is there. I just can't find it. What I'm starting to think is that it's several issues instead of just one thing. I think the combination of being extraordinarily low on cash, being in debt, working over a floor of unpredictable guys totally seperate from my generation, owing several phone calls or some form of contact to several different people, not knowing what to say to my failed relationship when she came to visit last week right before leaving for France for a year on Saturday and thus to my regret not saying anything at all, questioning what I'm going to do next year as tuition will most certainly increase and barely being able to afford to be here as it is, being concerned about some of my friends' crisees, and splitting my mind between five classes and two student organizations wears at me like the ocean's tide to a soft shell. This is just a peek into my subconscious. I keep all of these things in my subconscious because I cannot afford to have them at the forefront of my mind. They take turns coming to the front of the line and I deal with them in that order. But, as you can see, the line is significantly long, and when that happens, I don't know who to start with. It's like a huge game of Red Rover except I'm one man and the names I have to call from are a mile long list of NFL's best. All I can really do is smile about it because it's not going away... but it's beginning to tare on my physical health.
So with that on my mind, it's really been hard for me to build memory of any of the good things that have been happening lately. Fortunately for me, I have this journal to write them in.
It is good to know that I have several people looking out for me. It's good to know that I have places of safety I can go to if the need arises. It's good to know that I have friends who I can share deep discussion with on the front porch of an old college house only lit dimly by tiki torches. It's good to have phone calls even if they're at inconvenient times. It's good to have challenge and adversity rise up every once-in-a-while. It's good (though challenging) to have a floor of new freshmen who I can influence and mold for the better as their leader and someone who they could potentially look up to. It's good to be trusted as someone who others feel comfortable confiding in and as someone who others seek wisdom from.
I was rather intrigued by a movie tonight. I watched KungFu Hustle with Matt and it was suprisingly good. There is this one sceene where the lead character as an overconfident child, rushes in to save a mute girl from these bullies who are attempting to steal her lollypop. He ends up not being able to protect her so they beat him up and then pee on him. Later on in life they meet again and she offers him the lollypop that she saved on that day. He was a rebel by that point though, giving up on defending people for the good. But the sight of that lollypop in the mute girl's hand, though rediculous looking, cut him deep, past his rebellion, replacing it with clarity. She ended up awakening his true strength that he went on to use to protect the weak as well as her.
I've always wanted that for myself. Not that I want anyone to beat me up and pee on me, but I want a girl that I can fight for. Someone who cuts past what no one else has managed to thus far. Someone who isn't afraid of me and knows my true potential. I want a woman that contains a silent but amazing power, full of grace and wisdom. I want something that seems more and more unattainable each day, but my desire still remains strong.
That's okay though. I've realized something very important. The concept of marriage really freaks me out. I realized that at my sister's wedding this past summer. Though I'm only three years younger than her, I'm not near ready to manage that type of relationship. Also, knowing a few guys before and after recent marriage freaks me out too. They aren't the same. They aren't nearly the same. They don't hang out with us anymore and they don't have that fire. I mean it's understandable because they are dedicated now to that one person, and not to us. But that's what freaks me out so bad. I like all my friends. I don't want to be removed from that. I feel too happy in my unbridled state. I wrote in a journal earlier that it would take a great means of action by a girl to conquer me, and I'm afraid the more I think about it, the more true it really is. I've weighed the advantages of a relationship up to my friends, and it would take alot to sway me from them. I'm sure the right relationship and marriage will be great some day, but for right now, I will enjoy what I have.
So for the rest of my awake time tonight I shall heat up some tea and take a swim in some clarity before I turn in. Do well this week everybody. Peace and love.
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You say that it would take a lot from a girl to pull you away from your guys and that freaks you out. I don't think it should. In fact, in my mind that's how it should be. A cute smile aimed your way shouldn't move you to change your life in such a drastic way. Of course, that's an exaggeration, but still. That's a great way to think about marriage, though. That person has to be someone so amazing that you would want nothing less than a drastic, permanent change in your life.
ReplyDeleteIt's intriguing that you draw a deep thought about marriage from a movie like Kung Fu Hustle.