Here, There, Everywhere

I'm at the studio right now (the internship studio, not the class studio), and I'm closing out a pretty crazy week, or atleast trying to. But seriously, things are much better. My head isn't in quite as much pain as before because the date auction is finally over. I sold for $60 which was very flattering, and I look forward to the date. I've already got my plans made, but much like the last two years where I wrote journals on the date auction, I won't give anything away until it is over.

But right now I'm standin here with Chubbs and we're listening to Jonathan Ammons' music at http://www.purevolume.com/caladium . Love his stuff. I got a session tonight though. It's overdubbing, so it shouldn't be too bad, and plus, it's not at the late hour. Tomorrow night I am engineering a session of my own for the first time this semester. I've spent so much time as the studio musician, I hope I will do well at turning the tables.

I have had good sleep though for the past two nights. I'm feeling better as a result, and I hope this continues. I feel focus slowly coming over me, and I've been needing that for a few weeks now. Hope all is well with you. Peace and love.

PICK IT UP!!!

All I gotta say about this weekend is "Arrrrrrg." I seriously can't remember a weekend when I was under that much stress... and the weird part was... I don't know where the stress was coming from. I mean there was usual drama here and there, but nothing stellar and out of sight. I was so stressed out that I litterally got sick over it. I'm still trying to recover right now, but I should be fine. It's just that on the occasion I feel like I need to barf. Oh well. Today wasn't too bad, and last night wasn't either. I ended the week off with a very nice recording session down in Studio A. I gotta say it was the best session I have ever been involved with. Then today I went over to my intern studio and worked until Chubbs suggested that we get some of my stuff from back at the dorm and work on it there. So we did, and I'm quite happy with the results.

Tomorrow I'm doing a medical study at Vanderbilt so I gotta get up and be there by eight, but I'm not down about that at all. The only thing wrong with me, other than this weird sickness, is the funk hanging over my head. I'm not sure why I feel so gloomy because there's not really anything out of the ordinary going on to bring on these weird emotions, but I suspect it will just go away. I'm trying to get more sleep and all. I'm also going to try to spend less time thinking about my daily schedule because I think that just gets me focused on menial tasks instead of life as a whole. That can sort of ware me down a little bit.

But okay, I'm going to try to be a little more creative on my next few journals. I get in these ruts sometimes that I just can't break from. Maybe something insightful would be ideal. All of this listing of activities and feelings crap is just getting old for me. Peace and love.

Friday GO

This has been a most strenuous week! I'm pretty much ready to crash, but that probably won't happen until next weekend unfortunately. I don't really know what to say other than I was so bored, I did this:

You scored as Drama nerd. Drama nerd 44% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 38% Punk/Rebel 31% Geek 25% Goth 19% Ghetto gangsta 19% Loner 13% Stoner 13% What's Your High School Stereotype? created with QuizFarm.com

So it turns out that I truly am a nerd at heart. That's fun... Hope you're all doing well. Stay relaxed this weekend. Peace and love.

Nothing Left

I feel weird right now, and that might be because I'm exhausted, or maybe I just haven't had time to sit down and think about life for a while... who knows, it's probably both. But I started my internship today and it was great. I really enjoyed getting to work with Chubbs and getting to know the boss. I'm also under heavy inspiration right now, finding new things to write music about, and new ways to compose. I'll be in the studio tomorrow night until late, so we'll see if I've made any improvements over the past year. Stress levels ran high today though as I got no time to stop and work on "the list of magical things to do today". This being so, my list of stuff to do is bumped to tomorrow, making it that much more full. Maybe I'll just push out one solid hard day's work to get on top of the pile again, I don't know. What I do know is that I'm tired and hungry and that I'm going to make my way to bed. Peace and love.

Onward, Upward

Monday... most people look at this day and expect it to be pretty bad. I was that "most people" last night, tossing and turning in my sleep with the fear of waking up to that awefull beeping noise. But my fears were falsely placed. Today was, in fact, a good day. I got most everything done on my list without hesitation. I got to take a long nap in the middle of it all, and I'm going to bed early.

At dinner time I alleviated some stress by turning on "Take on Me" by A-Ha and dancing irratically as my soup was warming up in the microwave. I finally bought a knife kit yesterday so I was actually able to carve up some of that chicken that I fixed a week ago. It made a pretty tastey sandwich if I do say so myself.

But I am in the middle of an ongoing issue in Pembroke. Women are on both sides of the building which might be thought of as a good thing... until drama starts up. I, myself, have been seriously analyzing my feelings on women at this stage in my life, and I must admit, I'm not motivated at all to even hint at a relationship anywhere in the near future. As long as they are in understanding that it's just for fun I'll flirt with some of my girl friends, but I'm pretty sure most of us are satisfied at leaving it at that. I'm at the point in my life where I don't feel like a serious female relationship could benefit me at all. Having said that (and admitting my present flaw of egotism) I also admit to not being in a state where I could handle the delicacies of the heart of a woman. I have come to the realization that I am in college, and only for a little longer. I should split my time between work and friends and not work, friends, and a relationship. Plus, I don't have the money for a relationship. I could maybe be creative and not spend anything, but then that would require even MORE time away from the other two importances in my life. But don't be fooled. First of all, I'm not mad at, or hiding from women, I'm just apathetic. Secondly, from my observations, it's apathetic guys like me that often get slugged in the back of the head by love. If it comes and I suddenly become remotivated, I won't feel like I'm shoving my foot in my mouth, but until, or even more so, IF that day ever comes, I'll be fine with it.

But the drama is thickening as the month of October steadily bares down upon us. For some reason there is more drama in that month than any other month of the year, but this year, I'm not so much worried about first person scenarios as I am getting caught up in someone else's. I'd rather just sit on the sides and help out where help is needed, but whatever. Either way I'd like to think that I'm ready (which is usually an indication that I am not, and being so, in need of spiritual growth and instruction). I'm just hoping that this year continues the way it is going and that I am spared the pain from past years.

Good day tomorrow. I'd better get some sleep. I hope all of you are doing well and that the weather where you reside is just as beautiful. Peace and love.

The Week to Come

I tried sleeping this weekend, and I did alright at it. I actually got alot done on top of that too, but I'm hoping this week is a mite bit easier than last. There wasn't much time to think, just do, so most of my thoughts didn't make much sense to anyone... Well... most of my thoughts don't make much sense to anyone anyways, but they atleast make sense to me some of the time. I think my problem is getting an early start to bed. That's been a bit difficult lately because I get so enveloped in thought that I work myself up too much. But it's the only time in the day that I actually get to think at all, so I don't really want to sacrifice it. I immagine I will learn the discipline though. Tuesdays just picked up for me a bit. I get to start an internship at a recording studio with Chubbs. I'm pretty excited about that even though it requires me to be there by 8am... ouch...

It's funny though. I can always mesure my level of stress by the appearance of my room. When I get overworked, my room ends up looking horrible, but when I've got time to collect my thoughts, my room is generally well kept. I had some time to clean it tonight, so maybe that serves as a metaphor of sorts.

The rest of the journal will be a bullet list

Good stuff:
- The guys are excited and working hard for the date auction
- Cameron helped me put together an amazing video for the auction
- I got to go to the store today with Chubbs and stock up on food
- Work is going well right now
- I don't feel sick anymore
- I get to record in the studios ALOT this week

Not so good stuff:
- I have to reschedule some studio time, but I don't know if it's going to work out
- Gotta get a band together to play, but this is college and people are busy
- Expenses outweigh cash... gotta cut some fat wherever there's fat to cut
- Haven't been to the gym in a week
- Girls and guys are starting to hate on eachother, and I'm about to get stuck in the middle of it all

But of all the things that I struggle with, I can take comfort in the fact that God has never abandoned me. This known, I am at peace. Hope you can have the same. Peace and love.

Short

Just chekin in real fast.

Highlights:
- Steve is starting to recover from his heart attack!
- got everything done I had planned today
- scored a 190 (highest ever for me) in bowling. Charles also scored his highest
- played intermural kickball yesterday (remembering suddenly how bad I am at sports)
- I'm starting to feel a little sick (probably stress related)
- Figured out my little scheeme for this year's Date Auction

Music right now:
- "Carmina Burana: O Fortuna" as played by Boston Symphony Orchestra & Seiji Ozawa
- "Amazing Grace" as played by Bonnie Rideout & City of Washington Pipe Band
- "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins (I know Zach I know)
- "Fire" by The Bug (the song is as outlandish as the name)

Games:
- Chrono Trigger (missed out in the 90's so here we go again)
- Monopoly (for accounting class)

What's next:
- Parent Visitation Weekend program tomorrow
- Gotta get a band together for a session on Wednesday
- Gotta figure out when I'm going to do my engineering session
- Date Auction in less than TWO WEEKS!
- A desire to write more music
- A desire to get more sleep


That's all I got in me for now. Peace and love.

In Times Like These

Have you ever felt fully empowered and completely conquered at the same time? I don't know what it is, but right now I feel like I could do whatever I put my mind to IF ONLY... I wasn't burried in this deep dark hole. Nothing seems to take the wind out of my sails like a full schedule. Between student organizations and class work, I just don't feel like I have much time to sit back and watch the sun set. It makes me ponder every year at this time "Why do I do the things I do?" Why do we work so hard at attaining the things that make us miserable? Is this arduous routine really making me stronger? I suspect only time will tell.

I wouldn't say that I'm not learning anything, but I would admit that most of my learning comes from out of the classroom. As an RA I learn a great deal on how to listen to, communicate with, and direct different people. As an officer in fraternity, I learn how an actual business type setting is run. As a monetarily struggling student, I learn how to be most effective with what little money I have. Speaking of which, I roasted my first chicken yesterday and it turned out suprisingly well. I'll probably do that more often. But if you asked me what the most valuable lesson I've learned here has been, I'd probably say getting to know other people. I look at my problems and they seem so big and complicated, all the while the guy next to me is being stretched on a rack. So I talk to people, find out a little bit on what being them is like. In so doing, I feel that I've aquired a deeper understanding of exactly how little I am, and why I've been given the gifts that I have.

I had a good time tonight watching my boys play intermural kickball. They're called the Sticky Bandits, and they aren't half bad. I like to see them do stuff together like that. It only further displays the true prolific Pembroke spirit.

Right now I think I'm going to creat the most structure I can before I go to bed. Keep the family of Steve Radinovich in your prayers, as well as the family of, and including, my friend Matt Singleton as they have both suffered a great loss this week. I would write more on it, but I'm afraid I don't have the strength. Peace and love.

Dear Anonymous

my life is not a reality show that you can just tune in on and criticize as an anonymous spectator. you don't really have much positive to say, and you get your kicks and giggles by sitting on the internet all day reading the journals of complete strangers and then criticizing their existance. this only seemingly points out serious problems within yourself, not me. you pride yourself on being an intellect, that much is obvious by your consuetude of phrazing, which means that there probably isn't much i can say to you to convince you of how rediculous what you are doing really is. but that much is understandable, as intellectuals often suffer from pride almost as tragically immense as my own. you also seemingly hold fast to anonymity. why, i wonder? me thinks it is an attempts at internal security on your behalf. but know this, if there is an unhealthy amount of narcissism being passed around on this site, i feel safe in declaring that i am not the only one. after all, i am not the anonymous commentor with the swolen head who criticises strangers from the safety of their cozy computer chair. i am aware that you did not use the word "sophmoric" in meaning of my educational standing, but as an intellect, somewhere along this weary journey, you must have discovered the concept of "pun" (a play on words), as well as "sarcasm" (which i even went to the length of pointing out in my text). also, "solipsistic": "I think, therefore I am." an interesting theory involving much thought. but if we're going to start up with the psychological disorder name calling, i might choose to rebut with "sociopathic".

ya know... why am i even going to the lengths of defending myself? it is one of my many weaknesses, my insecurites, i suppose. but take note of the two commentors above you. they are called "friends". these are people who are concerned on a personal level about me and who i share a mutual concern for. they are the only ones who i accept constructive criticism from because they have earned that privilage in their character, their wisdom, and their display of true concern by sacrifice. they are who i write both text and music for. whether or not a stranger can appreciate that SHOULD make no difference to me, but again, i am flawed as you so astoundedly pointed out. who would have thought that i, a human being, would be flawed? give yourself a pat on the back and thanks a ton for playing! but the previous commentors are just two friends. i have a list one mile long of friends who would die for me and likewise. a true narcissist would find it quite difficult to find himself immersed in such a circle of love as i have been blessed with. so just stop pretending to know who i am by the very little that i write. it is disturbing. finally i appologize that i take this out on you, but it is not the first time that i've had some "know-it-all" come to my site and pretend to understand me better than i do myself. they were much like you in that they too assumed an anonymous figure. TOO MUCH FREE TIME!

summarized: leave me alone.

Crinsane! (Crazy and Insane combined)

Funny. I just had another anonymous commentor kindly tell me that my journals were sophomoric and narcissistic. Thus, two things I shall explain. First... I'll have you know that as of a month ago, I'm Junior at this fine university! ... Second (and less sarcastically) I admit to having shades of narcissism in my journal...

Narcissism: The attribute of the human psyche charactized by admiration of oneself but within normal limits. (as defined by www.dictionary.com)

It is a common misconception, especially among Christians, to believe that humility means a dislike of one's self. I do not dislike myself at all, however... atleast, not as of late. Had you picked up my journal last year, you would be able to see that I, like most people, have ups and downs as far as self admiration is concerned. But the whole "love yourself" concept makes Jesus's words on the mount "Love your neighbor as yourself." seem more understandable. Many people give the word "as" very little credit in that sentence. But if it were any other word, it would change the entire meaning. Basically, you must love yourself to an extent in order to love others because how can you love others if you can't even love yourself. So do I talk about my physical, emotional, and spiritual improvements? Yes, becaues my documentation of these things serves several purposes. Do I claim to be better than any man. No (and if I have I am not proud of it). I do not compare myself to other men because I am not those men. I am I. I am a compilation of every sensation I have experienced up to this very point. Many of these sensations I write down so that I can look back and see what I'm made of, so-to-speak. So if your judgements are collected from the past month or so of my writings, I would encourage you to look at such entries as "Despicable Me" and "Me and My BIG MOUTH". These journals are focused on how I don't really like myself that much sometimes.

Anyways, on to the main topics of the day. Overall, a good, yet short, weekend (as if there were good LONG weekends). I didn't get done all that I had hoped, but no worries, I think I've got a pretty good grip on the craziness for now. I'm starting to have more fun with the guys from the hall, educating them in the rich tradition of this building. Last night I was up later that I probably should have been, watching all of our home videos with the new guys. They loved it, but there is still some tension between them that I am looking to diffuse. All in good time I suspect. They pulled a light prank on me tonight, which is good. They put toilet paper all over my door which I left there for decoration. See, you have to understand that when a guy pranks you, it's only because they like you. It's just a weird way for them to non-sexually say "We were thinking about you." So I enjoy a good prank on my expense every once-in-a-while. It's a sign of me not doing a crappy job.

I'm also going into a new business. I was giving a girl a back massage today and she told me that I should sell them. So I was thinkin... why not just try it out. The people I give them to say that I'm pretty good, so maybe I could make some money at it. I'm charging next to nothing though, since I'm not licensed n stuff. We'll see if I get any positive feedback or not.

Other than that, I'm really not heavily worried about this year. God has pulled through with some amazing answers to prayer lately. I'm learning even more new things about self maintenance that I will need when I graduate, money, though sparse, is coming falling from heaven as needed, and all of the other issues that I've been concerned about have been coming to my door step and surrendering. Now I know that things can get good right before a storm, but I feel somewhat ready for rainy weather. Because hey, "If the rain never fell on the field of life, it would be a barren desert." - Plant Ops guy who's name I can't remember.

Oh, and mom, I found that crocodile necklace you got for me. It has been hanging on my picture cork board all this time. Thanks a bunch. I'm wearing it as I speak. As for the rest of you... stay out of trouble, have a positive Monday, and when things appear as if they can't get any worse... I recomend you break down and dance. It's weird, I know, but it's fun. Peace and love

p.s. i really hope that the annonymous commentor who admired my before and after shots is a woman... cuz that'd be kinda weird if not... ... ... oh well, good night!

Anonymous Advertisemtent

Okay, I'm starting to get a little fed up with the Anonymous commentors who say "Your blog rocks! Now let me tell you how to buy my product." If you can't comment on anything related to the topic I posted on, other than generalities like "Blog on!", don't post at all. I say this because I'm one of the most anti-advertisement gurus you will ever meet, and I'm not going to buy your product, not to mention the fact that I don't appreciate you crapping all over my Blog. I'm also just sick and tired of maintaining this thing. Let me give it to you straight. You're like the telemarketer of the internet. Nobody likes you because you are more concerned about making a few bucks than you are about other people's privacy. So to you I say "Good day sir!"

Golly, I'm Tired

Today... was... tiring. I did so much, which gave me a sense of accomplishment, but it wore me out just as much. I went bowling (and bowled a 165!!!) with Hugo, then I came back and worked out. This was my point for nap time. After that I woke up and went to an 80 man/woman Heron/Pembroke twister tournament. I'm still the reigning champion now, two years in a row. But as if that wasn't enough, I went out and played frisbee with the guys at 11:00. I just got back in, and I gotta say that I'm pretty spent.

I haven't had much time to think deeply though. I've been too preoccupied with matters of "greater" importance. I hate to sacrifice my thought for a running wheel, but college demands it of me. Speaking of which, classes are getting pretty tough. I'm mostly talking about Accounting, but I think I'll be alright.

This weekend I think I'm going to play everything pretty low key. I just want to relax and not have to worry about scheduling or doing all sorts of stuff so I'm going to try and get that all done tomorrow. Hope things are going well for you. Peace and love.

The Beginning of My Endurance

So finally things have reached a steady flow... not for me exactly, due to the fact that I'm still somewhat unstructured from the summer. But things are as they were when I left in May (only without as much drama). I feel somewhat prepared to sink back into the efficient groove that I was in, but it's always a tight squeeze after a long break. Classes are beginning to assign their arduous tasks, work is beginning to yield both fruit and more work, and I think I've reunited with just about everyone from last year in one form or another.

In the RA world, both Mitch and I have come across a unique discovery. There is a spark of Pembroke character alive and well within some of the new residents. It is now our job to billow that spark into a flame. This discovery was made at a vollyball match the other day. See, we in Pembroke sponsor our lady vollyball players and we go to all of their games. In the beginning, it was only us RA's down on the front row holding our sign. The rest of our boys were spread out with other friends partly watching the game, partly hitting on chicks. So we did what you do at a sporting event. You talk trash to the other team and yell obnoxiously loud. This coupled with our enormous vollyball sign caught the eye of a photographer, and thus the unity emerged. The rest of the guys all of the sudden wanted to be a part of the picture as we and some of the alumni were gathered there. So the rest of them came down and huddled around. For the rest of the game they joined in and started talking trash and yelling. One of them even went back to his room... threw on the shortest shorts I've ever seen on a man, and came back to do spirit dances and distract the other team. We call him Daisy Duke now. To top that off, we got some of the guys to lift and hide one of the RA from another community's moped. It was beautiful to see. Now the guys seem to have that spark in them. It will take more cultivation, but even the president of the university was impressed. He came and talked to Mitch and I personally and congratulated us on getting our guys to the game. The next day we also received a letter from the coach of the team saying how much he and the girls appreciated our presence and cheering, something that had never been done before. It is good to see hope is in its rizing.

Tonight was good in that I made it to a grocery store for the first time all year. I bought up enough food to last a little over a week, and I plan on only eating that for the next while. I cooked spaghetti tonight in the Hail kitchen and all sorts of girls came down acting all impressed (as if that wasn't my intention in the first place... ;). The food was good and, though I still might need to invest in some dishes of my own, it still beat fast food. I've been eating nothing but fast food for the past month. I can't believe I'm still alive! Let alone that I haven't gained any weight. But I think I'll probably feel better now that I actually have a low cholesterol intake.

Tonight also might be the first night that I begin my organization in attempts to aleviate my subconscious from all of its toilings. My trick is that I write a journal much like this as a way to express myself, I listen to classical music, I write all of my duties and obligations down on paper for the next day, I organize my room, I drink some hot tea, and I sit down in peace and turn my thoughts to Christ. This way I can posess some sanity from day to day. Otherwise I would probably just have a melt down and start chewing on the legs of my furniture. Having said all that, I should probably start heading in that direction shortly. I have a long day tomorrow and I need to start getting more sleep.

Oh, but one more thing. I went back and I read my journals that I wrote when I was a freshman. It really helped me to remember how I felt when I was in freshman shoes. I was full of piss and vinigar for MONTHS before I accepted college as normal and brought a slight sense of maturity into my character. It also helped me to see that I should expect no less from these guys. They will be crazy for the first little while, but then they will come down off their cloud and transform magically into men. That's what I'm here to see to atleast. But the hope is now visible. Peace and love.

A Laborless Day (longest journal in a while... get comfortable)

I slept in this morning which was GREAT! Some people feel guilty when they sleep in, but not me. My day isn't based upon how long the sun is in the sky. It's based upon how long I have to be awake, which makes sleeping in a more practical concept. However, when I enter into the real world, my sleep habbits will more than likely have to change. It's sorta funny in a way, watching my graduated friends slowly crawl into the norm of the habbits of the working man. Me? I'm aware that change is on the horizon, but I embrace the time I have here.

Anyways, today was a beautiful day. I threw the frisbee with Viking for a while and then went back to the house to visit. I also went along with Chubbs to the studio to take a look around and help out here and there so he could get home faster. It's a pretty nice studio if you ask me. Sorta fun to visit one now that I know pretty well how to use most of the equipment (or atleast I'm well on my way to).

But things have been on my mind lately. Has there ever been something that bothered you but you just couldn't put a thumb on it? That's what is happening to me right now. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but something is really bothering me. So I've been spending a good amount of time thinking to myself, searching through my memmory to see what it might be. Nothing is there. I just can't find it. What I'm starting to think is that it's several issues instead of just one thing. I think the combination of being extraordinarily low on cash, being in debt, working over a floor of unpredictable guys totally seperate from my generation, owing several phone calls or some form of contact to several different people, not knowing what to say to my failed relationship when she came to visit last week right before leaving for France for a year on Saturday and thus to my regret not saying anything at all, questioning what I'm going to do next year as tuition will most certainly increase and barely being able to afford to be here as it is, being concerned about some of my friends' crisees, and splitting my mind between five classes and two student organizations wears at me like the ocean's tide to a soft shell. This is just a peek into my subconscious. I keep all of these things in my subconscious because I cannot afford to have them at the forefront of my mind. They take turns coming to the front of the line and I deal with them in that order. But, as you can see, the line is significantly long, and when that happens, I don't know who to start with. It's like a huge game of Red Rover except I'm one man and the names I have to call from are a mile long list of NFL's best. All I can really do is smile about it because it's not going away... but it's beginning to tare on my physical health.

So with that on my mind, it's really been hard for me to build memory of any of the good things that have been happening lately. Fortunately for me, I have this journal to write them in.

It is good to know that I have several people looking out for me. It's good to know that I have places of safety I can go to if the need arises. It's good to know that I have friends who I can share deep discussion with on the front porch of an old college house only lit dimly by tiki torches. It's good to have phone calls even if they're at inconvenient times. It's good to have challenge and adversity rise up every once-in-a-while. It's good (though challenging) to have a floor of new freshmen who I can influence and mold for the better as their leader and someone who they could potentially look up to. It's good to be trusted as someone who others feel comfortable confiding in and as someone who others seek wisdom from.

I was rather intrigued by a movie tonight. I watched KungFu Hustle with Matt and it was suprisingly good. There is this one sceene where the lead character as an overconfident child, rushes in to save a mute girl from these bullies who are attempting to steal her lollypop. He ends up not being able to protect her so they beat him up and then pee on him. Later on in life they meet again and she offers him the lollypop that she saved on that day. He was a rebel by that point though, giving up on defending people for the good. But the sight of that lollypop in the mute girl's hand, though rediculous looking, cut him deep, past his rebellion, replacing it with clarity. She ended up awakening his true strength that he went on to use to protect the weak as well as her.

I've always wanted that for myself. Not that I want anyone to beat me up and pee on me, but I want a girl that I can fight for. Someone who cuts past what no one else has managed to thus far. Someone who isn't afraid of me and knows my true potential. I want a woman that contains a silent but amazing power, full of grace and wisdom. I want something that seems more and more unattainable each day, but my desire still remains strong.

That's okay though. I've realized something very important. The concept of marriage really freaks me out. I realized that at my sister's wedding this past summer. Though I'm only three years younger than her, I'm not near ready to manage that type of relationship. Also, knowing a few guys before and after recent marriage freaks me out too. They aren't the same. They aren't nearly the same. They don't hang out with us anymore and they don't have that fire. I mean it's understandable because they are dedicated now to that one person, and not to us. But that's what freaks me out so bad. I like all my friends. I don't want to be removed from that. I feel too happy in my unbridled state. I wrote in a journal earlier that it would take a great means of action by a girl to conquer me, and I'm afraid the more I think about it, the more true it really is. I've weighed the advantages of a relationship up to my friends, and it would take alot to sway me from them. I'm sure the right relationship and marriage will be great some day, but for right now, I will enjoy what I have.

So for the rest of my awake time tonight I shall heat up some tea and take a swim in some clarity before I turn in. Do well this week everybody. Peace and love.

Working Hungry

I worked today... That pretty much sums it up. I worked from 2 o'clock to 11pm. And not only did I work that long, but the entire time I was craving all sorts of weird food. Now the last time I checked, I'm not pregnant, but MAN, it really makes me question myself... ... okay not really, but I'm still hungry and I ate an entire pizza by myself for dinner!

Not much else has happened this weekend though. We had a cookout at the house last night and that was fun. I always enjoy going over to the house with the guys. Coming back here is just awkward for me. I'm almost positive that I won't be staying here another year, but I don't know what I'll do in terms of RA'ing again next year. I'm sure the guys will eventually grow on me, but it's more complicated than I thought it would be. They just act so different from the freshmen before them because they don't get mixed in with a diverse crowd. Therefore they feed off of this freshman mentality that won't die. I've just got to keep my end of the bargain and hold on. I also have to work on organizing all of those programs I said I was going to hold. Honestly though, the fire in me has died down a bit since the beginning of the year. The reason being is that I had expectations of what this year was going to be like, but they just weren't met. I guess that's more my fault than any. But I'm learning. That's the important part.

I don't know what it is that I want to learn this year. There isn't one driving subject that I'm just dying to grab ahold of like there usually is. And I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but what it is is a learning experience in itself. I think the most important thing I've learned since I've been here is how to take care of one thing at a time and not look at the future as what WILL happen but what COULD happen. I have goals and ambitions, but those are more or less just a means by which to help me sleep easier at night. I cannot assure that any of those things will actually come to pass, but what I can do is focus on what is right in front of me. That is what I have control over. Now with ambitions I might move in the direction of a destination, but what happens between now and then remains unkown. I've already changed course voluntarily or by force so many times since my freshman year. But basically all I think I'm trying to say is that it is healthy to have ambitions and direction, but it is not necessary. A more important skill is being able to face each daily situation with clarity and drive. And who knows, you might just get to where your heart was set out to go, but if you don't get there, you will be just as well off if you can deal with the present.

As for tomorrow, I'm not sure what I will set out to do. I'll have to give that good thought when I wake up. But one thing I would really like to do is go swimming. I haven't been for a good swim in a while. I just think it would be nice to do soon because the weather is, afterall, cooling down pretty quickly. Fall is fast approaching and I'm probably more than less ready for it. Anyways, I've got to get some sleep, but I'll try to talk to you again soon. Peace and love.

Stood Right Up

Yeah, so tonight I was stood up. Wasn't too happy about that, but then again, it's happened so many times now that I wasn't really suprised. Also, unlike last year, I follow warning signs now and I don't give girls like that a second chance, so it won't happen again. There's really no excuse for that. Cell phones are a wonderful invention that bring us closer together with just a few motions of a finger. She has one, I have one, no excuses. More than hurting me, it really just makes me mad. I just finished escaping the shadow of a girl who was the queen of "stand ups" and "not call you backs". I thought I had learned how to spot one a mile away, but no. They're good at lying because all they have to do is smile and you'll believe them. I was talking to a girl about it today and she said my problem is that I keep asking out "nice" girls. She said that the nice girls are the dangerous ones because they appear nice because they don't have the capacity to say "no". So in attempts to not hurt anyone but still maintain control over what they want to do, they do the most destruction by lying and sneaking around thinking that to be the better way because they don't see the destruction.

I don't entirely agree though. I think there's gotta be a nice girl out there somewhere who can be honest at the same time. That's the kind of girl I like. But right now... atleast for the past few years... I've had a knack for chasing girls who don't have time for me. All the while I've been building up patience based upon my "had it up to here" mentality. I've done it before and I can do it again. I think I just might call off dating in my life all together until the apocolypse or until a woman emmerges who wins ME over for once. I've done enough vain fighting.

Anyways, I've got stuff to do now and tomorrow is Friday. I will be happy tomorrow, but for now I'd like to punch a pile of bricks. Peace and love.