Mind Blow!

I'm back in High Point for the summer. I've always felt some sense of ownership over this town because... well, I did grow up here for 20 years... But this summer isn't quite like last summer or the summers before. I don't feel like I belong here as much. As I predicted, when I arrived here I was immediately bombarded with complication after complication, and above that, I am treated different. I like the way I'm treated at school. No one asks nor cares what I am doing about my problems in a day... I just solve them on my own time. Secondly, my problems generally concern no one else, so I make deadlines for them which are comfortable to me. Here it seems like everything concernes someone else, and I don't really like that.

A thought that has crossed my mind recently has been a question as to whether or not I'll be able to live with others in the future. I realize that I spend all year living with guys in a dorm, but that's different. They don't concern themselves with my every intimate detail, and I think I've kinda grown fond of that. It has been good to see friends and family alike, but am I ready for an entire summer of this? Things will change soon I suppose, and at least I'm not going back to work at the pool... but then there's another line of complications.
I have to get a sturdy job this summer, and that's shaping up to be pretty hard. I don't have a definitive guaruntee from anyone, and time is running out. If I get this one job with CMI, I will make a good bit of money, but it's only three weeks out of the summer... the first section cutting quite close to my sister's wedding, which is another story. I do need a steady income to work with though, but nobody will hire me on such picky terms. I suppose much of this is coming from the fact that I'm going to Ghana this summer, which I do not regret, but I don't think I'll be able to undertake another opportunity like this again while I am in college. I just have to realize that at the moment, I am too poor.

My sister's wedding is another thing. It is comming up so fast and everyone is so worked up over every little detail... I just can't do that... and I can't work with people very well that do. For some reason I was born with this odd nature to take everything with stride and not worry about details. I have the confidence that I can get it done, and I always do. When people try to work me up over it though, it doesn't get done, and I get sloppy. I am a procrastinator by nature. To try and force me to change my work ethic can and, in past history, has been tradgic. I am weird.

What I really want is just a time to take a short break and get a grip on this change... It is a misconception to think that I get a summer break. THIS IS NOT A BREAK PEOPLE! There is nothing easier about this, it is just different. But everyone has this expectation of me to be able to just jump from one extreem to another, and I just can't cope that fast. I have had no time to mentally organize and prepare before I was just unloaded upon. I have to change every aspect about myself to match this environment. I'm in a state of schock right now. I do nothing all year but live and work and coordinate with my very same demographic all year long... Now I am out of that scene having to work with both young and old, distant and close, to do something that I'm not even sure as to what it is yet.

Other than that, when I got home not too long ago, I saw a suspicious character walking up my street who just stopped and eyed me down and I parked my car and got out. I hope he doesn't think I'm intimidated. I get really angry when people do that. This is also no time to be doing such things just after a huge crime strand took the neighborhood last Sunday morning. I seriously have a problem with that to where I become extremely violent in nature... like I could rip someone's head off for looking at me wrong. I really need to work on that. That's no way to be. That makes me no better than them.

But anyways, I don't know how frequent my journal writing will be this summer. I'm back on dial up which drives me out of my mind. I'm too impatient to wait for every page to load one picture at a time. Now, however, I require sleep. I appologize for the incoherence and poor structure of this journal, but my mind is completely blown right now... Peace and love.