Alas My Pembroke I Leave Thee

This is it. All of my things are loaded up in the car... my heart weighs heavy tonight as I say my goodbyes. The girl who changed my life this year is now gone as well... I may or may not see her again which, needless to say, puts a lump in my throat. She will be fine though, and by God she will make her life. Me... I continue to wander, searching for what it is that I am supposed to do, learning and becoming stronger with each passing trial. I too will be fine, though it is always easier to speculate someone else's future rather than my own. For the most part, I can look at them and their hearts and have a sort of educated guess as to what they will become. To me... my future is clouded and uncertain. Am I worried about that? No, I have learned not to. Worrying is only useful to motivate... anything past that is simple folly.

I fear that it shall be quite a task for me to sleep this early though... I know I should because I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow morning, but I can't seem to get passed my stubborn sleeping habits. But what am I supposed to think about right now? There's this guy next door who is moving his stuff into the room because he's waiting for me to leave so that he can get in here... It makes me feel kinda violated... This is my home, my place of solice, and I've got a guy tapping his fingers waiting for me to get out. Not only that, but he's being INCREDIBLY LOUD!!! I'm still an RA though, and he's still a resident. If I have too I will exercise my power.

But other than my anxiety at the moment... or maybe related to my anxiety, is this sickness that I am trying to ward off. I feel like I could throw up, but I know that I won't. It takes alot to make me spew. But am I excited to go home? I don't know. There is so much there that is just waiting to pounce on me, and I feel so tired and so spread out. Maybe the long drive tomorrow will do me some good, give me a chance to put Nashville in my rearview mirror. Get it out of my head, both good and bad, but mostly just bad. I can then think about home and all of the good things waiting for me there. I have to be a man about it. I can't back down or cower. There is alot expected out of me that I cannot fail. I will not fail. This is the way life is. You must turn your back on the things that you love because the world keeps on revolving and in suit, things keep changing... But one should never have to turn their back on the people they love. Things are fleeting, but people... people I love. I can't think of one person right now that, no matter what they've done to me, if I know them, I feel some sort of love for them. Even though Jill and I were never meant to be, I feel bad about what I did because I have a deep spark of love for her. I have love for the guys who I worked with this year... I have love for the woman that I may or may not see again. I loved, and still love Phill, even though he was taken early. But we have to have strength and stand back up when the people we love are taken by powers greater than our own. There is nothing I can do about Phillip, and there is nothing I can do about leaving my friends here and leaving her. That is God's design and I must learn to be strong in it. As I mentioned earlier about worry, saddness is very similar. Saddness can be good until it surpasses a level of control and becomes incapacitating. Right now I am sad... but I will see beauty in a day or two... Peace and love.