Summer Picks Up Momentum

I received a phone call from my dad this morning earlier than I prefer. He had a job for me to do and he wanted me to get there fast so that I could take it before someone else jumped on it. What other choice do I have? I have no cash, so any work is appreciated. I'm also trying to figure out how to discipline myself to do work cheerfully. That's a bit easier said than done, but I'm working on it.

I feel like I'm finally getting a handle on things. I'm going to have to straighten up this room of mine soon enough before I REALLY feel in order, but it is slowly coming to me. I haven't heard back from Liberty Steak House yet though as far as steady work goes... I'm really hoping to get that job, and I think I might actually go up there and bother them if they don't call me back tomorrow.

But visiting friends has been nice. I've spent some quality time these past few days with close friends, but I think maybe they could use a break from me by now. I don't want to burn anyone out, so I might take tomorrow off or something... maybe utalize that time to straigten up around the house... I don't know. It would probably be beneficial if I were to just sit down with a pen and paper and write down all of the things that I need to get done, much like I did at school. This way I can get a better idea of just how burried I really am. But still, coping with the spontinaity of every day here is difficult. You never know what is going to jump at you, unlike at school where you can see most of your priorities a mile away. I'm not quite sure why that is.

I must write a smaller segment about tonight though. Tonight was bizzarre... or atleast a brief moment of it. I was over at Brandon's house and we had just finished watching a movie. It was about 11 o'clock and we went out to his back yard to smoke a pipe or cigar. If I may describe his back yard to you, it is on a slight slope down towards a lake lagoon. Around the water are several tall yet quite slim trees, both pine and oak. There were clouds out, but the wind was dead silent... It was very peaceful. But then we began to talk about Phillip and how we were coping since his passing. All of the sudden, off in the distance we could hear a hissing in the air. It caught our attention because there was absolutely no wind at all so we were curious as to what it could be... It then got closer and closer and closer, and louder and louder and louder. All of the sudden, it was as if someone ignited a bomb the way the wind just hit his back yard. It literally bent the trees to such a pressure that they began to make cracking sounds. Immagine this ( I ) is a tree... the wind hit in an instant and the trees looked more like this ( r ). I immediately ran back into the house and sat there for a while, quite shaken. Not just because the wind pickup up so abbruptly, but just as soon as it arrived... it was gone. Never before in my life have I whitnessed something like that. I can only immagine it was purley a display of God's power. I'm still slightly shaken by the whole experience.

But anyways, marriage has been a huge issue this summer. Lots of people I know are getting engaged or married all of the sudden, but I'm spending a great deal of time not thinking about that... or rather thinking about what it is that I must learn before I can START thinking about that. I've narrowed it down to three things thus far. Before I can marry I must learn how to be a selfless servant, how to be purley friends with a woman first, and how to better manage money. I plan on tackling all of those issues this summer in hopes to learn fast cuz... I don't want to be old when I get married. Anyways, I should probably get some sleep now... Maybe a big day tomorrow. Peace and love.

Mind Blow!

I'm back in High Point for the summer. I've always felt some sense of ownership over this town because... well, I did grow up here for 20 years... But this summer isn't quite like last summer or the summers before. I don't feel like I belong here as much. As I predicted, when I arrived here I was immediately bombarded with complication after complication, and above that, I am treated different. I like the way I'm treated at school. No one asks nor cares what I am doing about my problems in a day... I just solve them on my own time. Secondly, my problems generally concern no one else, so I make deadlines for them which are comfortable to me. Here it seems like everything concernes someone else, and I don't really like that.

A thought that has crossed my mind recently has been a question as to whether or not I'll be able to live with others in the future. I realize that I spend all year living with guys in a dorm, but that's different. They don't concern themselves with my every intimate detail, and I think I've kinda grown fond of that. It has been good to see friends and family alike, but am I ready for an entire summer of this? Things will change soon I suppose, and at least I'm not going back to work at the pool... but then there's another line of complications.
I have to get a sturdy job this summer, and that's shaping up to be pretty hard. I don't have a definitive guaruntee from anyone, and time is running out. If I get this one job with CMI, I will make a good bit of money, but it's only three weeks out of the summer... the first section cutting quite close to my sister's wedding, which is another story. I do need a steady income to work with though, but nobody will hire me on such picky terms. I suppose much of this is coming from the fact that I'm going to Ghana this summer, which I do not regret, but I don't think I'll be able to undertake another opportunity like this again while I am in college. I just have to realize that at the moment, I am too poor.

My sister's wedding is another thing. It is comming up so fast and everyone is so worked up over every little detail... I just can't do that... and I can't work with people very well that do. For some reason I was born with this odd nature to take everything with stride and not worry about details. I have the confidence that I can get it done, and I always do. When people try to work me up over it though, it doesn't get done, and I get sloppy. I am a procrastinator by nature. To try and force me to change my work ethic can and, in past history, has been tradgic. I am weird.

What I really want is just a time to take a short break and get a grip on this change... It is a misconception to think that I get a summer break. THIS IS NOT A BREAK PEOPLE! There is nothing easier about this, it is just different. But everyone has this expectation of me to be able to just jump from one extreem to another, and I just can't cope that fast. I have had no time to mentally organize and prepare before I was just unloaded upon. I have to change every aspect about myself to match this environment. I'm in a state of schock right now. I do nothing all year but live and work and coordinate with my very same demographic all year long... Now I am out of that scene having to work with both young and old, distant and close, to do something that I'm not even sure as to what it is yet.

Other than that, when I got home not too long ago, I saw a suspicious character walking up my street who just stopped and eyed me down and I parked my car and got out. I hope he doesn't think I'm intimidated. I get really angry when people do that. This is also no time to be doing such things just after a huge crime strand took the neighborhood last Sunday morning. I seriously have a problem with that to where I become extremely violent in nature... like I could rip someone's head off for looking at me wrong. I really need to work on that. That's no way to be. That makes me no better than them.

But anyways, I don't know how frequent my journal writing will be this summer. I'm back on dial up which drives me out of my mind. I'm too impatient to wait for every page to load one picture at a time. Now, however, I require sleep. I appologize for the incoherence and poor structure of this journal, but my mind is completely blown right now... Peace and love.

Alas My Pembroke I Leave Thee

This is it. All of my things are loaded up in the car... my heart weighs heavy tonight as I say my goodbyes. The girl who changed my life this year is now gone as well... I may or may not see her again which, needless to say, puts a lump in my throat. She will be fine though, and by God she will make her life. Me... I continue to wander, searching for what it is that I am supposed to do, learning and becoming stronger with each passing trial. I too will be fine, though it is always easier to speculate someone else's future rather than my own. For the most part, I can look at them and their hearts and have a sort of educated guess as to what they will become. To me... my future is clouded and uncertain. Am I worried about that? No, I have learned not to. Worrying is only useful to motivate... anything past that is simple folly.

I fear that it shall be quite a task for me to sleep this early though... I know I should because I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow morning, but I can't seem to get passed my stubborn sleeping habits. But what am I supposed to think about right now? There's this guy next door who is moving his stuff into the room because he's waiting for me to leave so that he can get in here... It makes me feel kinda violated... This is my home, my place of solice, and I've got a guy tapping his fingers waiting for me to get out. Not only that, but he's being INCREDIBLY LOUD!!! I'm still an RA though, and he's still a resident. If I have too I will exercise my power.

But other than my anxiety at the moment... or maybe related to my anxiety, is this sickness that I am trying to ward off. I feel like I could throw up, but I know that I won't. It takes alot to make me spew. But am I excited to go home? I don't know. There is so much there that is just waiting to pounce on me, and I feel so tired and so spread out. Maybe the long drive tomorrow will do me some good, give me a chance to put Nashville in my rearview mirror. Get it out of my head, both good and bad, but mostly just bad. I can then think about home and all of the good things waiting for me there. I have to be a man about it. I can't back down or cower. There is alot expected out of me that I cannot fail. I will not fail. This is the way life is. You must turn your back on the things that you love because the world keeps on revolving and in suit, things keep changing... But one should never have to turn their back on the people they love. Things are fleeting, but people... people I love. I can't think of one person right now that, no matter what they've done to me, if I know them, I feel some sort of love for them. Even though Jill and I were never meant to be, I feel bad about what I did because I have a deep spark of love for her. I have love for the guys who I worked with this year... I have love for the woman that I may or may not see again. I loved, and still love Phill, even though he was taken early. But we have to have strength and stand back up when the people we love are taken by powers greater than our own. There is nothing I can do about Phillip, and there is nothing I can do about leaving my friends here and leaving her. That is God's design and I must learn to be strong in it. As I mentioned earlier about worry, saddness is very similar. Saddness can be good until it surpasses a level of control and becomes incapacitating. Right now I am sad... but I will see beauty in a day or two... Peace and love.

From Here to Summer and Back Again

There are going to be a great deal of alterations in my life starting officially tomorrow. That's right. Most of my things are packed and I'm now sitting in a naked room pondering once more. I sometimes ponder whether or not I ponder too much. Most likely I suppose, but it really depends on what I'm pondering. I said my goodbyes to the girl who changed my life this year, and though I thought I might cry, I did not. I never cry when I think I will... I guess I don't when I don't think I will either... but sometimes I just get these random urges that I suppress, though these mostly occur when I'm under enormous amounts of stress. But anyways, it was good conversation, or as good of conversation that I can have with someone of the opposite sex. I'm pretty awkward any time I talk to the ladies. I guess now that I think about it, I doubt she needed much closure on the whole situation, but I did, and I'm glad she went along with it for whatever it was worth. It was good for my heart, and I think that now I can go home with a clear mind, but of course that will be known when the time arrives. Speaking of which, that time shall arrive Monday morning at whatever time... I will turn my back from this place and try to forget about it as much as possible this summer in attempts to fully recoup and not still be burned out when I get back.

Tonight I watched a movie with Chubbs and a bunch of girls. It was nice because I didn't feel pressured at all to be a certain way... I felt comfortable just being me, possibly because I feel such a sense of ownership over this building, I don't think I could be anything but myself here... or maybe my mind is slowly gaining clarity... That's possible as well I suppose. All of that funk that I learned over the semester is slowly worming its way out of my head, making room for new thought and ideas. But me, being the kind of guy that likes to spend alot of time thinking, decided to take on the venture of cleaning and mopping both the laundry room and my hall's bathroom. It really is a good time to analyze what is on my mind; the dominate things that disturb me or that attract my attention in more pleasant ways. OH, and I also went dumpster diving with Chubbs and we found a possibly perfectly good 1980's TV camera with a really nice lense and such... but we'll see how much it is worth tomorrow. As for the mopping, I had to get a bit resourcefull by making the mop out of cloths that the absent minded youth left behind when they went home. I love the simple creative things in life... manipulating my surroundings to do my bidding... hehe.

So now I'm up again far beyond my bed time... It's been hard to sleep lately because my mind has been so full of upsetting thoughts, but when I get home, most likely I will catch up on my sleep just fine. But tomorrow I'll be helping Aaron move over to the commons and then my dad will be getting here later in the afternoon. That's when I'll start loading my stuff up. We'll probably all go out to eat for dinner... come back... maybe watch a movie on the big screen... and then go to bed. Monday I shall rise up and leave this place... to return many months from now... hope you all are coping well with life's turns. Peace and love.

Tune Out Your Heart and DO YOUR JOB

What are the sweeter things in life without the bitter to enhance their flavor? I am so restless these days in attempts to make it through this final stressful point and on into the next transition. Tonight I shall start by getting more sleep as this morning I was called to work (though I was not signed up to) the check-out desk for seven hours. I did not expect that at all, but I managed to make it through alive... exhausted, but alive. On a more positive note, I did get payed today which was unexpected, but then again... I hate money. Once I get payed I pretty much wave the money on through to other holders such as my phone company and the gas tycoons. For the most part though, my temperment has been short the past few days. I would not admit to it in person, but for some reason I will now. I am having a real hard time with this whole moving out thing. I really don't want this year's social life to end, but I just have to realize that things must move on and that next year isn't necessarily going to be bad. I just have to come to grips with reality. My heart is still pretty tired though... And on top of that, I'm really trying hard not to think about the things that really cause my heart distress... That's what I want to type about right now, but I must be fair and sensative to others. Maybe it is best that others not know how I feel, and how I will miss them so much and how I'm literally sick to my stomach with the thought of such distance, such time, and such illusions. So I suck it all up and walk around with a stern look on my face. Where it all goes from there I have no idea, but I know no one wants to see it or know of its existence. It's a hideous thing to behold, but just as a parent can love their ugly child, I feel like the only one that sees beauty in the way I feel. The only time it will ever get out into the open is under strict guidlines that it be masked in such vagueries that no one would notice it nor think twice about it. Such a difficult burdon! But I guess home will be the best thing for it. Work and my personal life never interfeer though so I will still be able to function as long as I am doing something official or as long as I have enough friends around me to drown out my own train of though. So I guess the next thing I'll do is finish off this week as best I can while pretending to be on top of my game in hopes that no one figures out how I really feel... except for you... I guess you know now, but most of you aren't here... if ANY of you are, so I guess it's safe to tell you all. I vent to my journal with no thought of its potential readers, but with the desire to spill over. Anyways, the only people that read it are the people who care about me, and those are the people that I trust. To you I say, "Peace and love."

It's All Over Now

Everybody is leaving. It has finally arrived again, that part of the year that you think you're looking forward to until it finally gets here. It's the end of this comfortability, and what makes it harder than before is the knowledge gained from the previous year where you know that it will never be the same as it was before. It's so much different than grade school though, ya know? Yes I am absolutely thrilled that school is over, but not so much that college is. I've got friends that are leaving, and everyone else but we few RA's are moving further away from contact next year. That makes it a little hard. I also, despite my intentions not to, have been thinking about it, and I'm really going to miss her alot. Set aside how course, rigid, and emotionless I adress the subject in conversation, I am greatly pained... But this pain has got to have some sort of purpose doesn't it? Won't it theoretically make me stronger? I can't pretend to know what will happen in the future where the knowledge of such things might come in handy, but this is what I face now. I also have been acting a bit strange lately. I seem outwardly excited about everyone leaving and I just want to pretty much push everyone out of the door. I think maybe the reason is because I'm pretty lousy at goodbye's. I just want to hurry it up and get it over with, but more as a process than an actual emotional situation. More or less... I suppose I just want to be as comfortable as possible through this whole ordeal. On top of this... I found out recently that my first girlfriend, Jill, is possibly married to a guy in the air force or something, and they live in Navada. Ya know... that's just weird. I feel so old now that all of these people my age are getting engaged and married and are having kids. I remember Jill, and though I did break off our relationship rather harshly and abruptly, that doens't mean I don't think about her quite frequently. I just can't start thinking about marriage. I thought it was a safe thing to do, but it's just gotten me into trouble and so I should probably change the subject to jury duty. I talked to my mom today and she told me that I've been selected for jury duty. Regularly that would be exciting for me, but unfortunately I will be out of the country during that time. Now I realize that jury duty is important, but honestly, this trip is more important. It seems to be yet another stumbling block on my path to get back to Ghana, but those are expected and common when you do things less for yourself and more for God. It is encouraging to think that the Devil considers my efforts worth steifling. Oh well... just a few more days to go until I come back home. That's always a bit difficult for me. I have to re-adjust my social skills to match a non college environment which is phenominally different from what is normal to me now, but I'll get through it yet again. But yeah... lots of weird happening around here these days. Not necessarily bad... but weird. Peace and love.

Dead Day

Yes, we have finally reached the all feared all cherrished Dead Day here at Belmont University. Funny thing, speaking of dead day. Last night, as many of you know, I went on the formal date with lovely Stephanie Anderson. It was good times even though neither of us could dance. I wore myself out though, but it was a good day. Everything was finished when it needed to be finished and then it was all capped off with a lovely date. That night, however, was a little rough. I had a splitting headache and I couldn't get to sleep no matter how tired I actually was. So I tried to sleep at one o'clock and couldn't. Three o'clock rolls around and i decide to take some Tylonol PM, pop on The Lord of the Rings, and try again. 45 minutes later I was out... the next thing I remember was my phone ringing at... 3 o'clock in the afternoon! This is officially the latest I have EVER slept in, therefore concluding that... Tylonol PM actually does work. Now it's all a matter of getting to bed tonight. That will be difficult. The rest of the day was pretty relaxed though, being that I didn't really do anything productive besides finish some spanish work. I won't actually study for my exam in spanish until tomorrow, but study hard I shall. I also went over to Kevin and Matt's appartment and grilled out and watched some tv n stuff, and that was a fun change of pace. It really made today feel more like Saturday than Wednesday, but I think I will benefit greatly from this day off. My mind is now restored as far as energy goes, and I'm not stressed out at all. Good thing because tomorrow morning I have an exam first thing. After that, it's study study study all day long because Friday I have my last two exams. That will be interesting enough. Well, just thought I would fill you in on life here right now. Mozart is trying to lull me to sleep, but I don't know if it will work or not. I'm not going to get into the habbit of takind sleeping medication to get a good night's rest, but man is it ever hard to fight my foolish sleeping patterns. OH! but tomorrow it will be warm again! I AM excited about that. Okay, well... Peace and love.

The Victor's Pillow

I'm sitting here... with my root beer... kicking off my shoes under my desk and leaning back in my chair. My head is slightly cocked back and tilted to the righ over its black leather top, and I eye the computer screen looking down on it from a slight uphill tradjectory. I slow down my breating... stop... and look around my room for a few moments. Notice that my florescent light is not on. There is one dead bug sitting in its casing... I bet it's a wasp, or some type of vespid. It is so nice to have lamps instead of florescents. One lamp, to my left, is on, which provides me with just enough light to relax and still be able to see all of my domain. I stop and look again... a shiver runs down my arms, but it is a warm shiver, not one from fear or cold. It is one of comfort like the feeling of getting into a warm car after eating a good lunch on a cool day. But then the thought comes. If I am going to get comfortable, do I want to go ahead and get into my pajamas, or do I stay sitting here still wearing my church cloths from earlier this morning? But I'm so comfortable now. If I were to get up, would I be able to return to this point in time? I may never know. Uncertainty is the every footstep of life, so I might as well risk it all for the sake of the adventure... So I stand up out of my comfortable chair. I dig out of my pockets all of the items which regularly inhabbit them, placing my keys and some petty cash out of my right pocket onto my desk, immediately followed by the retrieval of my wallet out of my back pocket which is then placed precariously next to my keys. My shirt and my dress pants come off in turn and are immediately hurled into my laundry closet where they shall remain until a drought of cloths forces me to wash them... could be weeks... Now I sit in my comfortable soft pajama pants with red chilli peppers sprinkled about their design. My thin undershirt draws my attention to the soft hum of my airconditioner behind me. My shoulders get a bit chilled, so I rub them a few times in attempts to keep them warm.

"What a day this has been."

I think quietly to myself.

"I've done so much work in such a short ammount of time... and I feel pretty good abou it. I enjoy the feeling and adventure of successfully procrastinating."

A stack of papers on my bed serves as a trophy of my exploits. They are the last twist of the blade in the chest of this semester. It is only fitting that Chopin's Nocturn should play softly from my computer speakers as this school year drains of blood, lying on the floor gasping for its last breath. An exam here... and exam there... and then... it is done. I will have won, yet again, in battle against one more school year. The last drops of my root beer flow over my lips as this disturbing illustration somehow brings a smile to my heart. The bed calls soon. The victor's pillow is always the softest.

It is good, though, to have good friends. I do not speak of names directly very often in my journal, but tonight I find no wrong in it. Brian Boggs has been a true friend to me as of late. We talk once, maybe twice a week about our struggles and concerns, as well as our happiness and fortunes. We cried together over Phillip. We laughed together when the tears dried up and his joyous memory remained. He is one of the only people on this earth who I feel completely comfortable sharing all of my woes and worries with. He never belittles them if he knows I am sincere about them... that is unless, of course, I am dreadfully wrong in my train of thought. In that case he is very quick to correct. A man might consider himself blessed if he were to have one of the five friends I have grown up with. Brian, thanks for being there brother.

Tomorrow comes swiftly, but I shall take it in stride. I can finally taste my goals and there is nothing else in sight. It is a short lasting time of enjoyment and reflection. I must, however, get some sleep as I fear I might be fighting off some sort of ailment. That is the least of the things I need right now, but if it must be, then so be it. I would consider it to be only a seasoning on the challenges I have just endured. It all seems so gracefull to me right now. All of the emotions, highs, and lows of this year seem orchestrated like a beautiful song or choreographed like an elegant dance. Everywhere I look right now I see something beautiful. It is as if I have been detached from the world all of the sudden. I don't feel quite all here. Part of this could be the lack of sleep which I have taken upon myself to wrestle with, or it could be that a new strength in me has awakened. Reguardless I am continuously lulled by Chopin as his Nocture plays repeatedly, though this shall be it's last repetition. I must retire now to a state of confusion and vulnerability. I must now dream. Peace and love.