have you ever gotten tea in your ear? well i did today. it was a beautiful day outside so i decided to have a one man picknick in the quad. after i finished my wrap i lied down flat on my back under a tree and just hummed to myself for a while just before i got another bright idea to try to drink my tea flat on my back. it worked at first, but then i got a little too fast and confident and i spilled it all down my face and in to my ears. but it was far to lovely outside for me to care, even though i did it in front of almost half the school, so i just laughed. i also got payed today from vandy for all my hard sufferings and passings out on the floor, so financially i'm secure for now. now i have to pay off debt though which should be fun. two minutes later i got in a fight with my roommate. we haven't really talked to eachother all semester and things finally came to a head today. the details are not important, but i've only yelled at two people outside of my family in my entire life up to this point. i think genetically i am predisposed to be stubborn in arguments. my heart knows i shouldn't continue but my brain far too enjoys the adrenal rush i get from verbal fights. this is why i generally like being nonconfrontational. it's not because i'm afraid of confrontation, but because i would get addicted to it if i let myself to too far. i know that sounds weird, and it is. i feel both exilirated and horrible at the same time when the dust settles. i realized how long it's been since i fought though. i haven't felt like that in a long time and now i remember why. i don't even think any of my best friends have ever heard me yell. my family has, but i think as far as actual yelling goes even they would have to admit that i don't do it that often. but later on i appologised to him and we made peace. we were both kinda in the wrong, but now i feel better about the whole situation. i also later tonight got to talk with one of my hall buddies about our Christian walks and our concerns. i can't think of a more satisfying topic to discuss one on one. even though i don't make the conversation quite as often as i should, i always feel a greater sense of understanding when i walk away. tomorrow shall be a new day. i have arranged a song for my fraternities music mission in the old folks home. it's "when a man loves a woman" by percy sledge, but i've taken the liberty to nathanize it to something that i can better express my style through. i haven't had any inspiration for recording lately though, but i think that might change with the weather. with every ray of sunshine i feel just plain better about life. i think i've been pressuring myself to write a certain way lately too, which is never good. i always get overly concerned about what other people would think about my music. that's what people who want to be famous do, and God knows i don't want to be famous. i just want to write music that brings back emotions or memories for me and maybe provokes serious thought from others. and just a tid bit of information for you, if you are displeased with Christian music lately, sadly enough, the church is actually at fault. there are so many rules and regulations that music must meet to get aired. it seems to only minister to the saved instead of the lost. music like that isn't accepted. it was dishartening to learn that it is very difficult to be an artist and a Christian musician at the same time and make it in the business. record labels want what sells and right now what sells is stuff that doesn't make you think too hard, stuff that can have no question as to its blatantly obvious meaning, and stuff pretty much reitterates the same concepts in the usual 1,3,4 chord progression just in a different key with synthesized drums, and keyboard effects along with the classic pop voice processors such as compression, auto tune (mics that actually make you sing on pitch... yes, anyone) reverb, echo, and fx unit sounds. that is why i've been discouraged lately as to whether or not i want to put my name to that or not. my only qualm is the rejection i might face if i were to wade in to uncharted waters. i'm just sick of comfort. i'm sick of traditional "turn off your brain" music, and the more i learn about it, the stronger my emotions become. i look at Jesus and i see a guy who wasn't the norm and who didn't come to save the well but the needy. the followers of the law and tradition criticized him all the time and eventually had him killed. so i guess the question isn't "should a change occur?" but instead "why should i be afraid of rejection?" food for though... peace and love