do you ever spend a bit of time thinking about the past and how you did stuff that you just can't believe you did? the mindset that you would have to have to do something like that, you just can't believe that you had it. i think maybe i've been thinking alot about it lately because i've done so much changing since i've been here. there are things that i did last summer that i consider stupid and childish, but i don't think about it in a sense to bring myself down, but instead to consider where i've been. when you can look back and see where you have been, there generally is a trend in, though not perfectly clear, where you are going. i was looking at psychology, more specifically typology, tonight while working the desk just trying to get to know myself a little better. at first i thought those things were stupid like those quizzes in seventeen magazine, but when i look at other people and myself according to the discriptions given, there is some truth to it. for instance, if you know who likes who in your special environment and those folks have taken the jung typology test (which is a real psychological analasys test that you'll learn about in psych class) at http://www.humanmetrics.com, then you can just take a look at who they are defined as and who their "companions" are most likely to be, and it aint too far off. it's atleast worked in two seperate cases and i'm still working on a third. so who cares right? i don't know, but i think it's time to change the subject. today was fast and friday, which is always a good thing. this morning i got excused from first period so i could go sing at morningside nursing home with phi mu alpha. i sang my rendition of "when a man loves a woman" but i was soarly dissappointed because my time was off and i messed up the words. i really don't like failure at music. i can roll just about anything off of my shoulder, but when i mess up in music it means that i'm neglecting one of my favorite things to do. speaking of which, i'm serious about exploring a new shape of music. i've been listening to alot of bright eyes lately. he is an outstanding lyricyst and composer but i wouldn't recommend listening to him if weakness to possibly depressing music is a characteristic that discribes you. a downside to his music is he can't really sing that well, but he's got the kind of music where i can just sit there for a good long time and pick it appart in my brain. it doesn't even matter that he's got a shaky voice. infact after a while you begin to enjoy it. continuing with my day though... it was just a beautiful day; warm and sunny. i had a real hard time going to class but i got through it. after that i sat in my room and played guitar for a while and then i went on a walk with the viking down to an old book store. it was pretty neat. i had never been to a used book store before. there were all kinds of really old books that were in really good condition, but the problem that remains in the light of this discovery is that i don't read recreationally. i almost, ALMOST, regret it, but then again i'm in college and i still get by pretty well so who knows. i suppose, since i have tons of time, i'll talk about ladies. yes, spring is now upon us so it is only fitting that i should be noticing the fairer sex. i'm starting to hang out more with ladies now than i have before and i've actually met some here that i'm kind of interested in despite my previous notions. now i will never mention names. i'm pretty much fine with telling almost everything about myself on line, but i can't say the same for other people, but here it is. it's a funny story occuring last week. a bunch of my hall guys went to centennial park to play capture the flag at the world's fair monument with some ladies from a neighboring female dorm. there was one girl on my team and two on the other, and we go this bright idea for that since there were a bunch of couples walking around the park together that the other team started to ignore, that girl and i would act like a couple and walk around the park to look for the flag. we held hands and had our arms around eachother and would give fake hugs for reconossance. there were even close calls where we would FAKE (and the key word here is fake) kissing so that the suspicious "enemy" would disreguard it with the subconscious idea that it would be too extreme to go to that level. well, y'all back home know me and know that i don't really have a strong constitution around the ladies so i was shivering the whole time. i told her it was because i was cold, but i was actually way nervous. she's a really nice girl though, but i think she is seeing someone, so that's automatically off limits. now there's another girl that has been hanging out with my group of fellas lately too, and she is very nice as well. i'm going to hang out with her a bit more to find out more about her, but i probalby will end up doing the same thing i always do. i tend to rationalize away my attractions because i'm afraid of them, so i think of really good reasons as why i shouldn't get involved. now this methodology has saved me alot of trouble in the past, but there's got to be an end to it. i just don't know when it will be. but who cares right? i'm in college and i don't really need any of it anyways. i'm still a bit young to be thinking about stuff like this. i should just have fun and not worry... by now you might be in agreeance with me, but this was just an example of my rational. i don't know, i'll get over it someday. i'm sure if a girl just looks at me a certain way i'll be fine, but as of now lots of girls come up and talk to me, but when i open my mouth they make excuses as to why they have to go. on a closing note, girls when you all make excuse, it means the same to a guy as you just flat out telling the truth, so why don't you? peace and love