Oh No! School?

I just realized that I have exactly one week from today before classes start. That's not fun to think about, but I think I'll be okay. I'm really going to have to do a fair amount of prioritizing being that I'm taking calculus this semester, but I'll do my best.

I didn't really do much today, which was nice. I slept in for a while and then all of us went to eat lunch with Viking at Arby's. After that I played chess for a while and then took a nap. When I woke up I went to leadership training at the university which was nice because they gave us a free meal, and I now have an even greater appreciation for "free". I was amazed at how many people where there that I didn't realy recognize. I mean I could scan the crowd and see familiar faces, but for the most part I guess they were new sophomores. I'll probably be even more distant this year, living off campus and all. Who knows? I'm just anxious to finish strong.

I've been wondering about my passions lately though. I want to see what not being an RA does for me. I think the job jaded me in a way that made me forget who I was under those cloths. I'll be working a lot this year and tending to my education, but none of that lasts 24/7. As an RA people are always watching you do your job. If you take two steps to the left or right you can lose control and lose your job. I'm glad I don't have to live under that anymore. I'm glad that I can experience my last year of college in a completely new light.

I guess you might be wondering about our current status with the brown recluse pests. Well, none of us were bitten last night and we haven't seen any today so that's a good sign. We've all been trying to keep things extra clean so that they have fewer places to hide, but you can only organize so much when six grown men live in a house built for five. The exterminator will be coming tomorrow morning, so that will be good. It's funny though. I've always had this fear of spiders crawling on me while I sleep. Sometimes I'll be half awake at night and I'll think I see a spider lowering on a web down infront of my face. I freak out and start swatting at it, but it's not really there. As for last night, though, I fell asleep like a rock while all of the other guys tossed and turned and didn't sleep well at all.

Well... I'm going to sleep now with my spider friends. Hope all is well with ye. Peace and love.

Arachnophobia?

Work work work. I really don't mind it that much. The job has its stress points, but I feel pretty satisfied that I've fallen into a good groove with the proceidures as well as with my boss.

I don't like writing too much about work though. It seems like such a mundane thing to focus on. At home, however, new adventures happen every day. I'm learning to be what some might call "mature" through expreiences such as substantial living, tornadoes, and poisonous spiders.

I suppose I should start with last night's storm. If you've never been to Nashville, you should know that this time of year is prime for harsh weather. Some of the most amazing lightening storms I've ever whitnessed were here. Sure, they're no NC hurricane, but it's almost always a good show. Last night was no exception. I went out onto the porch to watch it all come in, enjoy the light show and the sound of the pounding rain. Weeman came out with me as the winds started to pick up. I think in the heart of every man exists the appreciation for extreme weather conditions. Anyways, as we were surveying the splendor of the storm, our attention was drawn to a rustling down the street that quickly turned into a roar. All of the sudden things started to literally lift off of the ground and fly with great speed down the streets. The trees bowed as if before royalty and the rain turned into sheets that you could barely see through. Just for immagery, have you ever been in an airplane on a runway when it was raining and seen the effect of a jet engine thrust on the water on the ground? Well... that's what we saw. We ran like scared little girls back into the house where upon the door was ripped out of my hands and slammed shut behind me by the wind. I haven't been through many tornadoes, but I can tell you this. It takes a pretty high wind to rip limbs off of trees and knock out power for hundreds of people. Oh, and poor Viking left his windows down only to discover a very damp car in the morning. But after the storm we went out to survey the area. It was pretty hard core with limbs and debris everywhere. While everyone else was out checking on their houses, we all decided it would be a good idea to play instruments on the porch. It was neat because the crickets started chirping in rhythm. Our power came back on soon after.

As if that wasn't enough adventure for one week, today I came pretty close to a good bit of pain. I was woken up early from a nap because Weeman called me to ask about dinner plans. I was a bit groggy and unappreciative at the moment until I went back to my bed and turned over the covers to discover a presence that made me a bit more greatful of being awake. It seemed that a brown recluse had decided that I would be a cozy object to snuggle up next to. It scampered off into my work pants after I startled it and I haven't been able to find it since. This makes the third encounter with a brown recluse I've had in this house. I killed two adults and now this baby makes for a bit of unsettled feelings in the house. It signifies a hatched nest with who knows how many brothers and sisters. Stuffy and I went to Walmart to by combatants. We picked up 100% deet to secure our sleeping quarters with and an emergency bite first aid kit to keep on hand at least until the exterminators get a chance to come out here and give us an assessment.

Other than that, I'd say things are pretty good. I'm in great shape, school is about to start back up, and I have a good deal of mental clarity at the moment. That's good. I'll need all of the mental clarity I can get this year.

Peace and love.

For Zach

These pics are for Zach. He will copy them and paste them and then decide if he wants to put them on a power point slide show. Her you go Zach. Enjoy.

This Mine New House

I am writing my first journal from the Ye Olde Pembroke House (at least I think it's my first). I got all moved in last. When I went to sleep, however, it was with the understanding that I wouldn't be going to work in the morning. But that was not the case when I woke up! They called me in to work at 11 and when I got there, they totally didn't need me. That being so they sent me to another hotel instead of cutting me, and THAT hotel didn't need me. So I came back to the Sheraton and they kept me working. I didn't really appreciate that. I ended up staying until 5.

I got home and started cleaning though. I've still got a good bit to do and I won't officially have my own room for another few weeks or months. I'm just going to get the house ready as much as I can until then. Hope you all have a good one. I'm going to bed. Peace and love.

Home to Home

This is the last night that I work as an RA ever. I don't know quite how to feel about it. It's surreal, but the job has changed so much that I must admit that I won't miss it at all. What I will miss are the memories of better days. I suppose now I could become an activist in making things right and restoring the institution to healthy and employee supportive status, but I'm being stereotypical. I'm a college student. College students feel passionate about things and they think they can change the world with their ideas. I don't know if it will work or not, but I will feel better if I at least try.

Tonight also marks another occasion. It will be the first time in three years where "going home" doesn't mean going back to my campus quarters. "Going home" will mean going to the house where all of my things now reside.

As for the move-in process, it's going to take a long long time. My entertainment center was trashed by the university (go fig) and the guys that will be moving out haven't finished yet so I can't completely unpack. I have, therefore, named the room in which I now reside "limbo" as it is consistantly used for people to stay in that are between transitions.

I sleep well in Limbo though. My bed is nice, I have a tree outside the window, and it just feels comfortable like a home should.

I'm going to spend the next 30 minutes closing up shop. Goodbye RA, hello home, Peac and love.

Coming Back to Calm

I must say that times have been rather... well... intense between finishing off my RA work, organizing my school scheduling, and moving from the apartment to the house. My mood, accordingly, has been subject to turbulant and unr eliable winds. I find that I become very impatient with and bothered by people who ask favors or chores of me. Sometimes I just want to collapse, my vision becomes limited, my motivations, unclear, and I sink to wallow in my repugnant hopelessness.

When you get there, to that cloudy, life-loathing state of existence, it's hard to remember to breath. It is breathing, however, that puts you into a field of motion rather than sitting in a dramatic and stagnant pity party. I had to remember to breath yesterday when everything seemed to be crumbling. I talked things over (out loud and to myself while I was driving no less) and then to a few of my friends and together we figured out several solutions. I can still graduate on time and I can still work an internship, but the timing isn't exactly what I would have chosen. The advantage is that I will have a slightly more reasonable schedule this semester than I originally thought.

Well, right now I'm about to be pulled away. I'm working my last desk shift as an RA and I'm about to have a one-on-one debriefing of the season. After that I'm going straight to my apartment to finish moving. I'm afraid I still have quite a bit of work to do before I get to kick my shoes of and relax. Whatever the case, peace and love.

School Scheduling makes me Sad

I just found out that I won't be graduating on time. That's discouraging, but I'll do what I must. It's going to be a rough year for sure, but I just checked it out and atleast my schedule is somewhat managable. I'm also working on budgeting out my finances right now due to rent and bill payments. I wonder if it is possible to go to $20 a week for food. I'll give it a try and tell you how it goes. Don't worry, I won't risk my health.

For the rest of the day I'm going to focus on finishing off my RA work and moving out of my apartment. This is the beginning of my senior year of college. I knew it would come one of these days, I just didn't expect it to come so soon. If you should need me, I will be feverishly planning and organizing until the day I receive my degree. Peace and love.

Reading Writing and Reflection

I haven't written in a while, not because I haven't had the time, but because I just haven't felt up to the task. I'm still burried in quite a bit of change and adversity, but I'm learning to manage as I always seem to do. Today I put forth my first installment of rent. I wasn't expecting it to come so soon, but I'm prepared... I suppose. This gives all new meaning to the purpose of my labors. I have to raise money to keep a roof over my head. Welcome to the real world. I think I'll like it though. It will yield a new breed of satisfaction into my life while simultaneously preparing me for things to come.

So do I dare reflect on the summer? I really don't know what to make of it other than this has been my most realistic sneak peak at what life might be like after I graduate. I mean, I hope I have a little better job than valet, but for now I like driving cars and making tips. It has forced me to learn how to talk with strangers, conquering what I was taught as a kid.

I don't know what else to say. I can speculate for hours as to what might happen in the future, but I will never know for sure. For now I shall work on my focus, polishing my goals, and coming into an understanding of why I am spiritually here. "This year will fly by faster than we realize." Charles said to me as we talked on the phone today about our busy lives. I know that's true. It has been true every year, but even more so. It keeps on speeding up and speeding up. We will probably die before we ever reach terminal velocity. Peace and love.

This is Me Venting My Frustration

I'm thoroughly discouraged right now. I just got my work schedule the night before the workweek starts and I was scheduled for tomorrow morning. I specifically put on the schedule listings that I don't work Mondays because I have two jobs and the other one has precedent on Monday. Not only that, but they didn't even ask if they COULD schedule me on a day that I specifically don't work, they just did. This happens way too often to be tolerable. Beyond that, I can't even get in touch with anyone that works there now and I have to be in a session at 8:30am. I have no choice but to just not show up, but what's going to happen is that they will call me first thing in the morning to ask where I am. On top of that, my character is marred. There's just too much going on this week for stuff like this to be happening. In short, I'm really really pissed off. I've been working hard all day to finish off my chores so that I could be ready for this week. The ONLY thing that could have happened to set me off just did.

I don't have any justification to be this mad though. This entire school year is going to be hellishly arduous. Two jobs, several classes, one internship, one office, and bills standing behind me with no mercy for failure. I'm nervous as to whether or not I will be able to adapt. I've never failed before, but I've never faced an opponent this fierce before either. If I have enough strength to do this, I'll have plenty of confidence when I graduate, that much is certain.

Trying to Change

Life is changing for me and the people around me, and it has all been coming at a pretty fast pace. I'm trying to keep up, and it's not very easy. Sometimes you have to shed things that you've held on to for a long time or you will fall under. So I'm taking a step back and analyzing my life. What is necessary and what isn't? There's a good bit of both. I always start these periods off with a thorough cleaning of my surroundings. It gives me time to think and organize my thoughts as I organize the space in which I live. Some things I throw out and others I stand back up and dust off. And when it's all done, a fesh smell rises up and you can feel at peace for a while. The only hitch is that when I get cleaned up, I tend to just sit in autopilot for a while and wait until things get dirty to the point where I have to clean again. I don't stay consistant.

Change is difficult but life should never be predictable. I've said it time and time again, but maybe someday I'll understand as well with my head the words that my tongue is already quite familiar with.

Can't Give Up (Fragmented Thoughts)

I'm so tired and work has been so hard. There are so many things on my mind and I can't even express how it feels. But I can't give up because I've come too far. I did write a song tonight though. I was glad for that. I ate a lot of food too and I think I'm gaining weight.

All in all, I just want to be content, but that has nothing to do with external achievement and everything to do with my heart.

So here we go to bed in hopes of sleeping the entire night through. I haven't had a dream in a while, I've just been tossing and turning. I'm more and more tired though, so I suppose I have more of a fighting chance. Peace and love.

Great News

Today I found out that I'm going to be an uncle! Congratulations Grace and Josh!

No Songs

I sat down to write music tonight because I've had so much on my mind as of late. I wanted to open my mouth and have this amazing song just spill out, something that I could hang on the wall and stare at and have it remind me of the passion I feel. That song hasn't happened yet, and I'm getting discouraged. I won't plead ignorance though. I know exactly why I can't write and it's been driving me crazy. Have you ever just wanted something so bad that it leads you to start playing mind games with yourself? I'm in that haze right now. I want something so bad that I've come to the point of trying to convince myself that I don't want it anymore. People like me have a little trouble dealing with lack of control. I was telling Stuffy today that when I engage myself in these situations I'm like a wave. I start to swell and then I just crash and make a big mess. I don't want to crash though, so what do I do? I try to convince myself that I'm not engaged. I try to convince myself that what I have now is better than putting it all up in the air for the chance of something better. I hide under a banner of control. But this doesn't make sense. I've been preaching for the past forever that taking risks and getting the crap beat out of you is what makes life worth living. Predictability is boring! So what do I do? Do I contradict myself and sit around, or do I take both hands off the wheel? If only I could put THAT into a song, I'd be alright... No... I'll tell you what I'd be. I'd be content to just sit back and play that song to myself instead of acting on the words and doing something.

Now I'm starting to confuse myself. I'm going to soak in front of the tv for a while. Peace and love.

Crazy What Happens in Three Years

For the past two days I've been working on a subproject with little progress, but my enthusiasm is still optimal. Throughout college life, we have had several video moments, all of which I am working dilligently at editing for the start of the school year. The work consists of me watching over and over again the insanity of our past, and it has brought me to a good bit of reflection. It's amazing what can happen in just three years. Looking at all of us in comparison from then and now is incredible. We're all so different yet so much the same. I don't know if I've gotten better or worse, but I do know that I've enjoyed all of it. But that's just three years. You've gotta wonder how much more change is just down the road. Each year brings just a little bit more responsibility and maturity. Change is such a huge part of our lives. Sometimes it feels like flying in an airplane though. You feel stagnant and stuck in that small little seat next to the sleeping smelly guy and in front of the crying baby. You get cramped up, but you forget that you're actually moving at over 400 miles per hour. It's only when you look back to your origin from your destination that you realize just where you've come from and how little time has passed.

Time... time wasn't very friendly to me this morning, or maybe blame should be cast upon the construction crew working on the new dorm. After all, it was they who cut the power this morning. Time could no longer function properly in order to wake me up at the period requested. Long story short, I was over an hour late to work the desk this morning. Speaking of which, before I go to bed, I think I might set my phone alarm to go off with my regular alarm. That way, there is little likelyhood of both failing. I need to go to bed though. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I had a hard time pinpointing what exactly it was that was keeping me up so late, but maybe tonight I will be tired enough. Who knows? Peace and love.

Christmas in July?

I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie's Transatlanticism right now. Perfect with good hot tea to keep me company. I'm going to be busy for the next while. There are very few holes in my schedule, but I won't complain. I'm not sad that is.

Right now I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. There's so much of my future that's up in the air, so many things that I've asked for. It's very much like a present under the tree. And here I sit just a few feet away wanting so badly to peel back some of the wrapping and see what's there. I'm impatient. What's more is that I know if I were to look, it would totally kill the surprise. I thank God that He keeps my future a mystery. I know that He gives the best presents and I know that He listens.

I was talking to someone about that recently, about futures and certainty. He told me that before I commit to falling in love, I must have set aside a secure future. I must have prospects. I respect that, but I do not agree. No where in my heart rests the desire to be secure. I want to free-fall in God's life planned for me. I want a love that feels the same. But then I take a step back and wonder how many men, how many thousands of men before me have cried the exact same desire, and how many of them ended up behind a desk, planted firmly in secure and predictable suburbia? Will real life conquer me? I would hope not. But I can see it coming, that deciding point, and what makes things worse is that there are a few things on the silent conquered side that I desire. Who knows. Stuffy once told me though that if I settled for a life of being a simple cog in the wheel, that he'd kick my ass. Everyone needs good friends to keep them motivated.

Heh. Just checked the weather and it looks like it's going to be a hot one this week. Whatever. I'll be fine. Sweaty, but fine...

So here's the decree. I'm going to take my down-time more seriously. I will enjoy silence when it comes. My failing to do so for this past year has really cost me a great deal. I was talking with Brian while in Chicago about that. I can't become the kind of person who prioritizes business over my family and friends. My peak priority has always been spending time with the people I care about. I just never really thought anything else lasted. It's hard sometimes though. Sometimes I can be really selfish when hanging out with others, and sometimes I can be neglectful. And then there are the times when I shrink down to a very small group. In my subconscious I feel like there is less risk of pain that way. What a wuss. You'd think that a guy my age would realize that for all the pleasures that come from relationships, sometimes pain shows up. I'm the one that preaches pain as being an augmentor of beauty. I sure can talk though, can't I?

Well, I'm going to sit back for a few more minutes and soak in the silence. I'll be running sound at church in the morning with Matt. I'm sure I'll enjoy that. And to you (if anyone even reads this), may your life be bright in the light of God's brilliance. Peace and love.

What Was It

The past few days in Chicago with Brian and Brandon were great. Chicago gives me a knew understanding of the term "big city". Nashville is not a "big city". Other than that, I feel sorta weird right now. I have tons I want to talk about, but I don't know if it's the appropriate time. I guess I'll just stop myself short and sleep on it. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning. Peace and love.

Fingers and Toes

I just want to give you fair warning that if you're looking for meaning behind my title, you won't find any in this entry. I don't even know what I'm writing about tonight. Maybe it's all in the name of settling my nerves. I moved my computer the the living room where the lights have been dimmed and I sit listening to Miles Davis. I just drank a hot cup of tea and now I sit to determin if my thoughts are worth publishing. There's a good deal on my mind, don't get me wrong. I just take caution as to what I make public. I don't expect to reveal all of myself here. Where would the fun be in that?

I guess I've been feeling a bit shallow for the past few days. The majority of my thoughts feel a bit less than memorable. I don't feel like they take me anywhere, if that makes any sense. I'm wrestling big-time right now with calling and whether or not it is possible to live a life of significance. I'm not talking about making wads of cash and living the high-life. I'm talking about spiritual significance. But where are my motivations? They get lost every once in a while. I get confused and sidetracked. Or am I being sidetracked? I know this much about myself. I don't desire predictability or security. With that in mind, I do not detest this current state of existance. It makes everything more beautiful in my opinion.

My roommates finally moved out completely today, so the whole apartment is mine. I got it pretty cleaned up which helped me sort out some of my mental qualms. I even sat down and tried to write a song, but it didn't come out as well as I would have hoped. I haven't given up though. I'll keep working with it.

I was thinking this year what it might be like, me being here all summer as opposed to being home. How will it effect my responsibilities and my motivations? I know it will all be different, but I'm hoping it's different in a good way and not a stressful way. But come to think of it, why do I always think of stress as bad. Has it ever killed me? ... Well... it came close once. But I've received so much wisdom as a result of it.

I'm learning to rest in uncertainty.

Peace and love.

The Darkness

I made it through the day despite how long I thought it would last. I had class this morning and then work right after, but I ended up being let go a little bit early which was nice. At work, to occupy my time, I cleaned the bell closet in a way that it has never been cleaned before. After I left, I met Grace and Josh at the Parthenon and talked about life for a while.

I've been really tired lately and I think it's because I haven't been sleeping well, only I don't want to take drugs to fix it because my sleep has been really interesting at the same time. I have always had vivid dreams ever since I got to school. Sometimes they just feel so real. Last night, however, was the first time I have ever had a continuous vivid dream coming from the night before and starting where the previous night left off.

Thursday Night:
I was driving my car with a passenger I had never met before. It was foggy and dismal that day and we had to take our time because of the poor visibility and the fact that I had never driven that area before. We turned onto a straightaway, a small two-lane road with guardrails on either side. The fog sat just below what I thought were ditches on either side of the road, that is, until I saw a break in the fog. On either side of the road there was actually a 500-foot drop. I remember thinking "Man, if you lost control on this road you'd be screwed." I drove more cautiously until we reached a roundabout. Here there was still fog, but less. The trees were all dead but the grass was very green. In the middle of the roundabout was an old run down church that had been abandoned for quite some time. We ended up following an old blue car at this point, but not for long. It ended up, for no reason, barreling through the guardrail and crashing down the mountainside. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't do anything if I stopped. They were clearly dead. I didn't have my phone either, so I decided to keep on driving until I reached some place where I could report what I saw. I kept driving around the roundabout in disbelief until I saw a middle aged, curly brunet woman of husky build with a chubby and slightly aged face. Dressed in an off-white nightgown she walked in front of my car, bringing me to a stop. She then slowly walked to my window which I rolled down. She leaned over casually, raised her pointed finger towards the church and said in a lazy voice
"You know... there's a dead body over there in the grass..."
On her face was an expression of casual delight, not too bright, but not emotionless either. I then looked over to my right where a man with a gun was yelling at a family in a van trying to open one of their doors to get at them. I took no more time to stay in that place, but nobody seemed to have a problem letting me go either. So I drove until I reached a hotel built like no other hotel I had ever seen. It was all one story and it seemed very small on the outside. I opened the door of my car and stood up to stretch, but no sooner had I than a pack of pitbulls jumped on me. I shoved them off as best I could trying to injur as many as possible. They seemed to slow down beyond practical gravity as the struggle progressed, but they never let off. I ran into the hotel but was soon met with the problem of automatic sliding doors. I couldn't run from the dogs so I did my best to hold the door shut with one hand while I reached for the other non-automatic door with the other. I made it in. I never found a room though. I never made it that far before it revealed itself to me. I was being hunted by what was known as The Darkness. It was a being that could take on any shape of any living creature and it was after my life and my soul. The lights were on, but the light that they cast grew fainter and fainter by each second. I knew it was closing in so I ran into the stair well. The stairs went down into the ground instead of up, but I went hastily, jumping down entire staircases without injury. The Darkness was on my trail. It then took the form of a crowd of people marching down the stairs in hard-soled shoes after me. I then woke up.


Friday Night:
I was at the bottom of the stairwell where I came across a door that brought me outside into a great field. I ran through the field and met a group of men who knew of The Darkness. They actually had come to fight it. Their courage gave me courage, but I wanted to see it first. The first man went out and met the darkness in the field. It then took on an image of something the man loved. I didn't get a clear view, but I think it was a woman. The man let his guard down and The Darkness took his soul. The next man went out, much more steadfast and prepared, wearing armor and wielding a sharp sword. He seemed very confident as he walked out to meet The Darkness in the field. Now this field was very green, but with black porous rocks jutting out in all different areas. I found a rock to hide behind up on a hill looking over the field. I didn't see much but a few flashes of the man slaying all different images that The Darkness took on to take him. He vanquished the being on the field and stood in reflection over its corpse. As he lowered his arms and his head in silence, the being swiftly rose, taking on its true form, and slayed him on the spot. I didn't cry out, though I felt in my heart that I had a deep connection with this man whose soul was taken. I peaked over the rock and saw The Darkness. I don't know how to describe it. It looked like a solid, but it wasn't. It was darkness all over, but it's eyes managed to be darker than the rest of it's body. You could in fact only make out the body because certain parts of it were lighter dark than others. It looked to be wearing a spiked crown of darkness as it surveyed its victory. But as I barely peaked over the rock, I was thrown into immense fear, and as if I had shouted, revealing my location, it turned and sharply looked at what little part of me was revealed over that rock, but I still was to afraid to even make a nose. I had nowhere to run. I tried to organize my thoughts but I couldn't. All the while, The Darkness had taken the form of a Grizzly Bear. In my desperation I decided to fall as if I had fainted. The Darkness came closer and closer until it was standing directly over my body. At this I pulled a knife and shoved it into the bears chest, twisting the blade as vigorously as I could until it had fallen. That's when I woke up.

I wonder if this dream will continue again tonight. I kinda hope that it does, and I kinda hope that it doesn't. Peace and love
.

The Week

It wouldn't be unfair of me to say that this week was particularly awesome. I had a great time. Starting last Sunday night, Karl and Andy arrived at my humble apartment with the same plans as I had... none. So the week went by and I plowed the fields in the morning and after that, anything went. Monday started off with a bit of a sour taste. Last week my life wasn't exactly carefree and the dark clouds followed me to Monday morning when work called at 7:16am.

work:"Where are you Nate? We're worried about you. You're never late."
abruptly awoken me: "Uh... uh... I'm coming in. I'm coming in. Sorry... I'm coming in."
work: "Okay man, see you in a few."

I stumbled around my room in a half woken panic for a few seconds more before I slapped my phone closed. It was as if the clap of the cellular plastic were the fingers of a hypnotist. I suddenly woke to my senses.

"I'm not supposed to come in today... I've got the day off!"

I called back and luckely I have great friends. Clayton said it wouldn't be a problem and for me to go back to sleep. So I tried to take his advice. Easier said than done. My heart was pounding because I hate being late for work. I feel like it blemishes my character. I needed that sleep though. I went to bed at three the night prior and I had to be at work at the desk at 10. I did eventually get to sleep though, and that was the last of my discouragement this past week.

When I awoke, Karl was already awake and he went with me to work and we sat and talked for several hours. When I got off we went back to retrieve still sleeping Andy so that we could go to lunch. They wanted vibe so I took them first to SATCO and we ate outside. It was there that we ran into Sarah Dean who offered us free Hootie and the Blowfish tickets. There were only two though, so I gave them to Andy and Karl and had planned to stay back and finish doing my maintenance reports on campus. They were, after all, due two days from then and the next day was the fourth, so I didn't feel much like working then. So when we got to the ampitheater, Sarah gave them their tickets and then asked me if I'd like to stay. I had no ticket and I had work, so I politely refused, but then she pulled out a third ticket. What do I do? Do I clame the official title of "lame-ass" and refuse free Hootie tickets so that I can get my work done? Or do I stick it to the man, take the tickets, have a great time, and try to scramble the next day? I've discovered that I really like "sticking it to the man".

Tuesday was the Fourth and I still had work in the morning, but it was fine. I did it in high spirits and then went on with my maintenance reports afterwards, finishing those in less time than I originally thought. That meant we were free for the cookout at the house. Steak, burgers, dogs, you name it, we grilled it. We took Matt some because he had to work and then I showed the guys around the hotel. After that we went back to campus and played some disc. Stuffy was with us. We were playing until the firework show started which at that point we were going to go to the parking garage to view. When we got there we quickly discovered that the view wasn't going to be that great, but I knew of a potentially better place. The new science center on campus had a high balcony on the top floor. If we were to get there we could potentially have the best seats in the city. We ran, I without my shirt, to the building and rode the elevator up to the top floor. There were people there, so we went back to the floor below and Karl gave me his shirt. He thought this to be wise because I could be fired for being crazy, but the most they could do to him is ask him to leave. We went back up and from the balcony we enjoyed the show while taking part in the decorative refreshments. When the show ended a man next to me spoke up about the success and conclusion of the gathering. It was the president of the university. Andy was curious as to what was going on, and evidently we crashed a party to a high class gathering of Belmont's movers and shakers. With that knowledge Stuffy, Eric, Andy, Karl, and I went to the elevator with the president and his close friends and we all crammed in. The poor man was trying to make the best of the situation knowing that we were his students. Andy then decided that it would be a good idea to sing "You are my Sunshine" to break the awkward silence. You should have seen the looks on the people's faces. When the doors opened all of us rifraf got off and started in with Andy. We then went back to my apartment and enjoyed the private fireworks throughout the city from my apartment view.

Let me abreviate because it's getting late. Wednesday night we went to get all-you-can-eat wings and before we went to the Wooten show on 3rd and Lindsley. That's the best show in Nashville for five bucks. Last night we made sushi, and abundance of very good sushi, and then finished off the night by going to see Superman Returns. Good food, good movie. When I woke up in the morning, they were gone, but it was a great time.

Grace and Josh got here today. It's been good to hang out with them for a while. I won't hardly see them tomorrow because I'll be in class and at work for most of the day, but such is the life of a college student. We went to see the new Pirates movie which I'm still digesting right now. They also brought with them the instrument that my parents got me from China. It's called a Sanxian and I'm picking it up pretty fast. So that's life right now. I'll be pretty busy for the next week or so, but you take care. Peace and love.

Think of it as a Painting

I've wrestled with a good deal today. Patience, understanding, self-control, focus, listening, and the list continues. Last night my plans grew shakier and my heart grew a bit heavier, but I'm still standing.

Class this morning wasn't as much of a learning experience for me as it was for everyone else. We were discussing micing techniques for different instruments that we were supposed to bring in, only nobody did. So when I got there I turned right back around and went to pick up our arsenal from the house. I grabbed the djimbe, shakers, mandolin, violin, banjo, lap dulcimer, tambourine, and harmonica. When I got back we started up and, as it turned out, I was the only one who played any of the instruments. So I stayed behind the mics and played while everyone else was in the control room listening and learning. Oh well.

Eric and I went to see Superman tonight. I really liked it, but there was this kid behind me that really tested my patience. You can always tell the parents who don't believe in spankings because their kids are obnoxious in public. It's funny too to hear an adult beg her toddler to be still and silent in a theater. After being kicked in the back several times, I finally had enough. I grabbed my empty plastic Sprite bottle, lifted it up even with my head and I slowly crushed all of the air out of it so as to pass along the message, without making too much of a scene, that I would be appreciative if they would do us all the honor of controlling the child. Someone else didn't mind making a scene though and they just turned around and told them to leave. Whatever. How could one expect a child to be considerate of others if the parents were not setting an example? That's my soapbox on that.

It's been a rough day though. I hate to take out all of my aggression on a toddler, but MAN it took a good deal of patience. I'm trying to find joy as best I can, but sometimes it's just so hard. Stuffy and I talked for a good while on our current situations. We're both struggling with like-natured problems, we just approach them differently. I'm learning a great deal about myself right now through him and my mentor. Sometimes it hurts, but I will keep growing. Peace and love.

Too Relaxed

I forgot what all I left behind here when I went home for the past few days. Wouldn't you know that work would try and screw me over with this week's schedule? If that wasn't bad enough, I don't have any phone numbers to contact them with so I can get it changed. I'm going to have to figure something out over the weekend. They know better than to schedule me on Monday's and Saturdays.

But I feel pretty squashed right now. The drive home gave me some time to think, but thinking doesn't always mean that you come to any solutions. You might just dig your hole deeper than it was before. I really just feel... helpless here. I feel trapped in this city. It bothers me that I can't do what my heart longs for, but at the same time, it is my nature to finish what I started. I came here to learn, and I have indeed learned in abundance. The stresses of it never get easier though. It brings me down ten feet when kinks get thrown in my operation and they do all the time. But didn't I sign up for that? I've always said that a stable life isn't a life worth living. That's a big part of my philosophy. And out of everything I've learned, I haven't quite figured out how to not get bent out of shape every time I fall through the ice. I fail to see the opportunities at first because I get so distracted in feeling sorry for myself. Why is that such an instinctive response to failure or adversity? Nothing ever gets done when you've fallen off and all you can think about it how unfair it is. People get kicked while they're down, it's a fact of life. The longer it takes for you to realize that, the more time you'll spend on the ground being kicked instead of making progress.

On a completely seperate subject, I itch. My superhuman immunities have seemingly left me and I have both mosquito bites and poison ivy. I haven't had either of them in years!

Whatever. This week is full of opportunities that I can see and claim as long as I'm not too busy crying about myself. Peace and love.

Just a Dream

So I went home for a few days to help get the house ready for my perents getting back from China. I drove home all day Tuesday and worked all day Wednesday and today to get it done, but it was fun and interesting. I did some plumbing work because our toilet had sprung a leak, and I got it fixed (for now) which made me feel more like a man. I have to leave tomorrow. I never look forward to leaving when I'm home, but the cole mine calls.

Tuesday morning right before I woke up, in that state of mind where you know you're about to wake up, but not quite, I heard a voice. It was a woman's voice, very gentle, but very abrupt at the same time. I don't want to talk about what it said, other than I have been pretty discouraged for the past two days. I've been discouraged as to whether or not I should take it to heart, and if so, what does it mean for me? Maybe if it becomes more clear I might choose to elaborate, but right now I'm really just confused. So much has happened in just two days, and I've really enjoyed it. The more and more I progress in this life, the more and more I have learned to be thankful even for confusion and discouragement. I know that what challenges me now will somehow work for the good of my future. The Lord has always taken care of me even in my stubborness.

I guess I'll savor these last moments of being home before I head back to school. I always have a good deal to digest on that long car ride to Nashville. It'll be hard to sleep tonight, but go ahead and let it be hard. Just give me a good dream when I do finally fall asleep. Peace and love.

That's New

It's Sunday night, the end of the weekend. Time for me to mentaly prepare for tomorrow's work day. I'm not crazy about it, but I'll get it done, right? But the weekend was good and full of new things. Friday night we ate dinner with our lady neighbors at the house and then went bowling for a while. It's good to sometimes get away from the house with the guys and do something new. Yesterday I went with Chubbs to see a show at the French Quarter Cafe. It was French... but I forgive it. After that, we went back to the house and did a bit of a jam session both on the porch and in the practice room, followed by emptying a few rounds into some bb guns from the back porch. If that wasn't enough, we went to Cafe Coco with Stuffy to meet up with his lady Ashley who was in town with some of her co-counselors. We had a good time talking and carrying on, even though Matt and I were inquired upon as to whether or not we were "queer" by some really really gay guys. And yes, there are several stages of gay. There's the gay where you can't really tell just by looking. There's the gay where you can tell by body language. And then there's the gay that these guys were. They were almost transi gay. When I went to shake one of the guy's hands, he gave it to me as if I were going to kiss it... Obviously they didn't look at what we were wearing, otherwise they would have realized that we are sloppy, straight, very out of tune with affemanite nature, college guys. I guess it was just weird the way it happened because usually I don't mind gay guys all that much. I just don't like it when they probe at my sexual prefference.

So then this morning I ran sound at church for the first time with Matt and a guy named Dax. None of us had ever done it there before, but I feel pretty good about it. I knew my stuff well enough to not get stalled out on any of the tricky problems we faced. I'm pretty sure they'll ask us back, but again, it was just a good boost for me to see that my education actually does make me compitent in comparison to real professionals.

So now I guess I go on my rounds. Peace and love.

Today You Will Meet New People

It's been a rough couple of days lately. I haven't slept all that well for the past few nights, and on top of that, work has been a bit hectic. If I make it to tomorrow night, I'll be in good shape. It seems like the trend as of late is for me to meet lots of new people. That's what I was doing for most of the night, that is. Stuffy and I ate dinner and then went to an art exhibit at the church offices. The paintings were done by my mentor's daughter Sarah. I gotta say, they were pretty good. During that time there was much mingling. I met up with my pastor who mentioned to me that he had been in contacts with my brother-in-law Josh about church planting. I met one of my mentor's mentors, Jack. And I met an aquaintance of Stuffy's named Grace and a friend of hers named Ashley. When I got back to the house, Chubbs introduced me to the neighbors and their dogs. They have a golden retriever, so they're cool.

I don't know how much more of this heat I can take though. I just couldn't keep myself hydrated today so I started to stumble and fail at simple tasks due to partial brain failure. That's not good. I need to figure some way to keep the liquid in. I'll let you know when I figure something out. I'm really hoping for a storm tomorrow though. That would be great.

Funny how things work. I had so much that I wanted to say a little earlier. I was driving in my car and thinking to myself about all of life's humors and irony. I'm ready for bed though. I keep going back to it in full confidence, but to no avail this week. I might have to break out the sleeping pills. Actually... that doesn't sound like a half bad idea. Hope you all do well tomorrow. Don't die of heat stroke. Peace and love.

Moods

I'm in a mood right now. I don't know how to describe it so I'll do the best I can. I feel confused, maybe meloncholy, maybe heartbroken, maybe satisfied, but somehow none of those descriptions quite come together to paint how I actually feel. Am I growing? Nothing has been more certain. I was thinking tonight that maybe my growth has been inhibited for so long because I took on too much responsibility. I heard it said that being too busy is another form of lazyness. I've always been one to look at the horizon and thirst for it, to know what is there. Right now I'm thirsting more than ever. I think what is hurting me is the feeling of lonliness in my thirst. Stuffy helps me out a great deal because he struggles with similar things that I do, but not many other people in my life share their struggles anymore. I tend to blame laughter for that. It's easy to protect yourself by plugging a joke into a serious conversation and offsetting everyone else. I swear, it works like a charm and we're all really good at it. I'll grow though. What I said last night still rings clear in my head. I'm young. I don't think I have time to learn, but I do. Peace and love.

Bury the Dead but Remember

Today my mentor taught me something new about myself that I hadn't realized before. My desire for closure, especially in relationships, is directly correlated with my controlling nature. I just can't let go of the possibility that the failed results of a situation I was involved with could have held a different outcome had I done something different. I torture myself with it sometimes for years trying to prepare for the next opportunity to prove to myself that I can overcome. What a waste of time. I'm sure I've missed out on some great opportunities because I've been so busy thinking about myself and my failures. He was also trying to teach me to embrace myself though. I am sitting here the way I am because of everything that has happened to me in the past both good and bad. God still sees me as beautiful and valuable even if I don't. But why shouldn't I? Finally we talked about my difficulty in grasping the possibility of love coming into my life. Ideals. My ideals. They're too fitted, to perfect in design. A woman doesn't exist that fits them. I'm not talking about physical beauty so much as I am talking about emotional and rational composition on TOP of some physical attraction. It's something I've thought about before, but sometimes it just takes someone else to point out my problems in order for me to understand it.

As far as my future is concerned, both immediate and distant, I'm laying it all down. I don't trust the Lord enough to deal with my problems. I either think they're too insignificant in the face of the struggles of the universe, or I'm selfish and want to find a solution myself. Depending on how he supplies for me and responds is dependant on when I make my trip home, what I do to make money next semester, where and how I spend my money and my time.

In the face of all of this understanding all I can really think about is how incredibly young I am, but my struggles are like a pulse or like muscular pain after a difficult workout. I know I'm making progress. Peace and love.

Oh yeah. Einstein found a mathematical equation that proved the existance of God. Think I'm lying? Check it out.

Dreams and Reminders

I woke up this morning before I wanted to, but not because I felt tired and needed to sleep more. I actualy felt quite refreshed. My desire to keep hitting my snooze button spurred from a dream I had last night. If you ready my journal from yesterday, I wrote on how jaded I am to the idea of love. I don't feel like it's real anymore. Well... dreams are funny sometimes. I can only think that God tagged this one on my bedpost last night because it reminded me in a powerful way that it's not lost hope for me just yet. Impatience is what bothers me most... so I must learn to wait.

I'm pretty scruffy tonight, but hey, that doesn't usually last too long. My job requires that I keep well groomed, but I was pushing the envelope yesterday and today I'm over the edge. I like feeling dirty though. I feel more free... more smelly certainly, but again, more free. I realize more and more each day that I'm really not the kind of person that likes to be bound up by society. I am motivated by limitlessness (in most cases). I like doing new things too. I like new expreiences just for the sake that they are new, not even for the activity in itself. Today, for instance, I was wearing my church cloths and Matt and I decided to go to the quad and throw frisbee. A few minutes into our casual tossing, a storm developed with ground hitting lightning and heavy rains. Instead of leaving, we put our valuables in my car and just kept playing. We left drenched, but I felt satisfied because it was a new experience.

So right now I'm listening to one of my church's sermons on CD that I got today. This one is of last weeks and the other one is from today, but I've taken a liking to it. I get more of a chance to analyze what is said, to mull through it, to chew it up. I'm trying to learn to let go of my worries. I have a lot to chew this year. I might be in over my head. But when I worry and get stressed out over things that I have very little control over, I waste not just my time, but the people's around me. I give my best all the time, and considering that and considering that God has always seen to my needs, I shouldn't be too worried about what happens next year or the year after. It all works out just fine in the end.

Peace and love.

Needless Difficulty

It's about this time every year for the past several years that I encounter a bizarre heart ache. I don't want to be specific about it with you. I'm tired of sharing with other people the way I feel about it because I think sharing only makes the situation worse. I have become poetic with my expression over this matter, making it ever more hard to deal with. Why write about it then? Because I have to do something with it.

I was working today at the hotel, which is unusual because I don't generally work on Saturdays. There was some wind that they would be short handed so I volunteered, which I came to regret for more than one reason as the day progressed. To get the lesser reasons out of the way, I didn't make hardly any money at all for the amount of energy I exerted, but more than that were the thoughts that I happened upon while working. There was a wedding reception that the hotel was going nuts for in attempts to be in order once the many guests arrived. I was on the ramp waiting for cars when I was called to help carry flowers inside to the ballroom where the reception was going to be held. When I got there, the atmosphere was already set with music and decor all depicting romance. When I went back downstairs I saw the bride and groom come in the front doors sill dressed in their wedding cloths. It reminded me of my sister's wedding except for the bride and groom being younger than I. I felt sorry for them for that. I hope they are prepared for the challenges that will come their way at such a young age. But the atmosphere was that of love and commitment which got me to thinking. Every day I feel more and more distant from such a thing ever coming in to my life. It feels like a fairy tale to me. I can't imagine someone who could understand me nor have I ever met a girl who has cared to care for me longer than a few months. Beyond that, I envision a passion by which I cannot sacrifice for less. I wouldn't want to be in love if love turned out not to be the passion I hoped for. And more and more each day, not only do I feel like there's not a girl out there who could feel that way for me, but I don't even feel like I could care for someone else like that. I used to think I had something to give, but not so much anymore. So I look at the situation. Is it me or is it society? I think it's a bit of both. I'm more selfish than I'm even aware of but society is pretty effed up too. I can't even meet girls anymore. Today you have to have a damn good reason to just walk up to a girl and say "hello" or else you're liable to get maced in the eyes. And then you say hello. Well... if at that point they haven't mistaken your communication as "let's get married" and in turn been scared away or way overly interested, then it STILL is all up to you to make all of the moves and work everything out.

That doesn't interest me at all anymore. Do girls exist that don't like to make a guy suffer to win their favor?

Enough of my yammering on that. There's plenty more resting on my mind than just that. For instance, how am I going to survive next year? Not only am I taking crazy loads of class in order to graduate on time, but I'm taking Calculus (the class I dropped last semester because I was failing it) on top of physics, I'm working to pay for rent off campus, I'm the president of a fraternity, and I want to get more involved with my church. I'm trying to figure out how all of this is going to work and I just get all bent out of shape thinking about it. I know God has a great way of working these things out, but how much is He expecting me to do on my own. He doesn't just expect me to be stupid for the rest of my life because He's worked everything out to where I don't even have to apply myself anymore, does He? So how much effort is this going to take? Where is my breaking point? And lastly, Why?

I feel so shallow asking questions like that. In my depths I know why, but I still ask. I just, for once, want to feel like I'm not under the gun. I want to know that I'm working at a good pace and that I'm doing a good job. I want comfort in prideless confidence while still meeting challenge in good spirit. Is that possible?

Peace and love.

Health

I gotta get healthy, not just physically, but all the way around. I'm tired of being uninterested and uninvolved. I'm tired of feeling tired all of the time. I don't want to waste my time being selfish. Who ever gained satisfaction by pleasing themselves all of the time? I have these next few weeks to prepare for next year and I can either take that time and use it wisely or I can waste it and pay later.

But as we all know, I'm a big talker. Let's see if I can hold to it.

Peace and love.

What Next?

Tonight I feel unsettled, like a bottle rocket or a loose cannon. I'm at the edge of finishing this worship project and I can't say that I'm %100 satisfied with my work, but considering how much time was spent on it, it's not too bad. Seems like my life is filling up these days with all sorts of different activities which I can't really complain about, it's just that sometimes I wish someone would drink me or maybe spill me or something metaphorical like that. I find in my reflections that I'm a very uncontent individual. I never feel like what I do is good enough nor where I am in my life. It's always that one step higher that I just can't reach. The first person I pick out in a crowd is the one more achieved than I. That's why, I think, rejection hurts so bad. It's because it's so hard for me to find value in myself. And what's more is my not being able to find my value in other people. I can be told that I'm great at something, but if I don't see it, it's not there. A mindset like that makes life hard. It sets limits on the relationships you have with others and it makes it hard to start new ones. What keeps me going? The hope that I'll find it someday. I might find my niche in the wheel sorta like I did my senior year in high school. I tried every sport there was and finally my senior year I ended up swimming and I was really good at it and I felt good about it. Music used to be my thing. I felt good about it and others made me feel good about it too. Here, it's different. I haven't really found that thing that sets me apart from everyone else because here we all are the same. And what I am seems simple for now. I'm a white, 22 year old, averagely intelligent, single male college student. I usually don't eat breakfast. I have a morning job that makes slow money. My car is standard but it works and at least I have one. My cloths are a little worn and old, but I've never really given fasion much thought. I've been around the world and seen crazy things, but no one my age really seems to care when I talk about. Only people who have been around the world understand.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll get out of here some day. For now I'll just do my job as a student and an employee. Maybe I'm not supposed to find it yet, and if that's what's going to keep my life interesting, then so be it. I guess life would suck pretty bad if I got what I wanted whenever I wanted it. Peace and love.

An Age Without Technology

And by age, I mean a week. My computer has been over at the house for the past week, which is where I am right now. The reason being is because I've been recording an entire album for my parents' trip to China in a few days. It's been hard work, but good in ways too. I've never sat down and worked on an entire album before, especially not while working two jobs and taking class. I only wish I had more time to spend on it to perfect it, but I don't posess that kind of time. For the most part, the project has kept me at an even keel. If I have too much time to myself, I start getting too introspective and self destructive which then steals my motivation to do anything, forcing me into a cycle of lazyness. I have enough important things to think about as it is WITHOUT considering all of the little things that are wrong with me. My job, for one, is in question. I like this job a great deal, and I'm getting pretty good at it, but the problem is that I haven't been making above minimum wage for the past two weeks. If that doesn't change soon I'm going to have to find a new job. I can't work for that kind of money. I'll probably just have to grin and get a table job. I'm giving it this one last week though before I make any rough decisions. Remember, I need a job that can support me through next year. We'll see.

My car has been giving me trouble this week, but it has slowed down a little bit. The damage has disappeared for now. I can only pray that it stays that way. I'm going to have to get that exhaust fixed though. My car sounds like a lawnmower.

I always write choppy sentences when I start to get tired. I think I'm sleeping here at the house tonight even though I don't really have anything to wear for church tomorrow. I don't go to a picky church though. They don't really seem to care WHAT people wear just as long as it's covering the essentials. Anyways, I just don't feel like making the trip back to the apartment. This way I save money on gas.

I'll be meeting with my mentor this week. That'll be interesting getting to know a new person all of the sudden. One of the things I realized when I started working my new job is that my social skills aren't as keen as I thought they were. I'm really comfortable here in the college setting, so I tend to be fairly smooth and relaxed in social settings, but outside of that, I'm a complete geek. I never trust what words will come out of my mouth and in what order. I was reading an article in the paper the other day and it said that such lacking communication skills are common among my generation and the rising generations due to increased technology which limits face to face interaction. I can see that. AIM is partly to blame, they say, because improvisation is no longer a necessary speech tool. You have time to read over someone else's response before you reply in turn. Usually I can carry a pretty good conversation in type, but when I'm face to face with someone, I just can't spit out the right words fast enough, so I can see some truth to the article.

Sleep time now. Peace and love.

Cranky

I've had a rough day, not because of circumstances, but because of my attitude. I'm feeling really negative right now due to the usual external factors of sleeplessness and business. Work passed by pretty fast, but then I started on the album I'm working on again, and I got soooo agrivated. I haven't gotten to do much sitting down today to just breath and I probably won't get to. It just seems like nothing is working and I'm slowly getting more and more sloppy. I've been pacing and pensive all day long. I don't think this venting is helping me. Peace and love.

Those Were Squirrels, NOT Small Dogs

To most people, they're cute and fuzzy with a big bushy tail... but to me... they are the enemy. Will I break for a squirrel when it wanders out into the street as my car fastly approaches? Certainly. Neither of us have any claim over that domain. We are, in fact, very much alike, trying to get from one place to another, however, these rules change in the face of certain circumstances. The time? 6:22am on a Sunday morning. When must I wake for church? 9:30am. Two hours and eight minutes being stolen from my slumber is UNACCEPTABLE! Mitch, Stuffy, and I all had the strangest dream around that hour that something huge was being kept in the attic. For Mitch and I it was a dog. We awoke realizing that there was indeed somethingS in the attic completely disrespecting the ceremonial sleeping habbits of the college aged male. The line had been crossed. Both Mitch and I had previously contemplated the purchasing of air rifles at the start of summer... but there were more pressing matters at hand, bills, bills, and more bills. Priorities, though, tend to change when the sanctimonious practice of sleep is trampled upon, and after church today, we went out and brandished two new firearms and enough ammo for the neighborhood. See, the reason I was over there in the first place is because I have been working on a worship project to send with my parents on their mission trip, but with rodents scurrying around in the attic, the recording doesn't quite turn out as desired. In short, THESE SQUIRRELS ARE INTERFERRING WITH GOD'S WORK, and this being so, Mitch and I have been deemed the righteous hammer of God to fall upon the brow of the hethen squirrel, that they might find penitence before they perish at our mighty right hands. Not only that, but their hides shall be skinned and mounted as a testimony for all of squirrel kind that FREEDOM will always reign and TERRORISM is stupid!

Having vented my agression... I shall continue further. For some reason I am easily irritated by things that really shouldn't bother me. I get really defensive. One of the big ones is when people touch me when I'm not expecting it. It makes the hair on my neck stand up, and I really shouldn't be bothered that much by it. I think maybe I developed that when I was younger and my older brother would play rough with me. He didn't know his own strength and sometimes he would end up hurting me, so I learned to defend myself at the very get-go. I guess it just stuck with me because whenever someone grabs me unexpectedly or slaps me or anything of that nature, my first instinct is to hit back, but harder. Granted, I generally don't hit back as much as I used to, but I sometimes still do. I've never, nor would I ever, hit a girl... unless... she were hitting me counting on the fact that I wouldn't hit her back... maybe then I would ACT like I was going to, but then be like "haha, just kidding." Only she probably wouldn't think that was funny because she's not a guy and guys think that kind of stuff is funny. Anyways... I think I just need to calm down and stop getting so defensive about stuff that doesn't really matter.

Well... looks like my duty shift is over. I'm gunna go shower and then maybe read before bed. It'll be an early start though, seeing as those squirrels at the house are going to wake up to a bit of a surprise. Who wants a squirrel skinned cap?

Peace and love (except for the squirrels... they can die.)

Under Pressure

Work had me pretty stressed out today. I try to go in with a positive mindset, but some days it is easier to divert my attentions than others. It seemed like a theme in place for my today labors. Both of my jobs sent me on a wild goose chase doing something very uncommon with very poor communication. Now usually I'm fairly inward with my agressions towards such matters. It's similar to letting the air out of a balloon. I generally poke a hole near the knot and let the pressure eek out over a long period of time without making any noise. I'm not the explosive type (usually... I can't say 'never'). Today, however, I did that annoying thing where you pinch the lip of the balloon and it squeals all of the air out. I didn't get too angry, but I did vent. This kind of action usually comes about due to an inner conflict. I have two competing sides. The first side is my desire for an honorable lifestyle. I think to myself "take and complete whatever is given you without complaning and you will end up in the gain." The other side is my desire for personal justice (which I name the antagonist). That side says "Don't let them step all over you like some pawn. Stand up for yourself. Don't be taken advantage of." When these two chemicals combine, it forms an explosive gas that builds up pressure and must be releived (not by farting... usually).

Wow, it just started raining. I wonder if I can leave my window open or if I'll get everything in my room wet. I think it's time for a scientific experiment.

The good news for tomorrow is that it's my last day of work until Tuesday. I'm thrilled and exhausted at the same time. I need to make more money than I am right now, but hopefully business will pick up. It helps keep my mind occupied allowing for the time to pass more speedily. Have a nice tomorrow (or today depending). Peace and Love.

Silence... Sometimes A Better Composition Than the Best Music

I have so much I want to write about tonight. My head is swimming fast right now, trying to prioritize before my fingers finish typing.

Last night I had a bizarre dream. I was at the ocean and I was wearing a wetsuit. The water was a deep deep blue, not the usual brown stirred up water that you usually see at the beach, but the water you would see several miles off shore. The sun was low but neither rising nor setting, and I was compelled to swim out past the waves to a cluster of icebergs. On one of the icebergs was a woman, also in a wetsuit, teaching a class on the distinguished varieties of penguins. I saw at my feet two penguins, one a puffin and the other an emperor penguin. I clearly remember naming the two out loud to the teacher and marveling at how close they would let me get to them. Then, all of the sudden, I was startled by a stirring in the water. Just beside the iceberg where I was standing swam a large narwhale. I jumped and became afraid because I had never seen anything like it before. It had a huge horn sticking out of it's head that I thought it might stab me with if it got the chance. I had only heard of such things existing. Never before had I seen one. I watched it, though, as it swam speedily towards the shore where it heaved itself onto the land. I swam back to look at it and decide whether or not I would, or even could, help. I was too afraid to go near it though. It was just too strange and fearsome looking for me to approach. After that I woke up. I was in awe of my dream so I spent a while on the computer trying to find an image of a narwhale to make sure I wasn't crazy. I found this. That picture was almost exactly what I saw in my dream, only its horn was a bit longer and more distinguished. It also seemed rather large. But it's dreams like these that make me wonder what I've been thinking. I haven't heard of or seen a narwhale in years, but my dream drew it perfectly. I don't know sometimes.

Work today was slow going. We only had 9 cars and I only made $25. That's just not enough. I need to do better than that. If the job keeps on yielding such low return I might have to find a new one. I hope not though. This one seems very accommodating.

Ya know, instead of finishing all the things I had to say, I think tonight I will just sit in my silence and digest it all a bit further. I have learned to appreciate more silence as of late. I listen to a good bit of music on a daily basis, but sometimes it is good to make a change. I'll talk to you tomorrow perhaps.

Peace and love.

In High Point

I'm here in High Point and I have been for the past two days. I leave tomorrow which I'm not exactly looking forward to, but work calls back in Nashville. It was nice to get to see everyone though, or as many people as I did get to see. I forgot how fast four days can go by, and I haven't been here since December. Lots of things have changed since then. New buildings everywhere, kids I knew when they were waist high are graduating from high school, everybody is different. I guess I'm pretty different myself though. I'll be graduating in a year.

But it's fun to walk the shadows of your youth, to put your hands on the walls of buildings that you touched when you were very very young. Yesterday I even stopped at a few stores randomly that I hadn't been to in about 14 years. I didn't realize it until I was inside and smelled that all too familiar smell. I even remembered where most everything was. It was like those two places were timeless. Walking through my home church was funny too. I have so many memories there and hardly anybody remembers me mostly because there are so many new members. All in all my memory was jogged into realizing just how fast time has passed since three years ago, two years ago, last year. It all gets faster and faster. I wonder if I'll ever hit terminal velocity or if I'll just keep on speeding up to the day I die.

Peace and love.

City Streets

So this is where I've been working for the past week.

It's a good job, and I make decent money. For instance, today Drew Carey left us a $100 tip. That doesn't happen every day, but it was cool to meet him. The only rough part about the job is standing and running all day with exception to lunch. At lunch I go walking through downtown to find my friend Joe the hotdog guy. He and I are on a first name basis and he serves New York style hotdogs from an authentic city sidewalk hotdog stand. The city, especially around the capital building, looks amazing during the day, with people going in and out of fancy tall buildings or sitting on benches talking with friends.

Lately I've been having a longing to get back into my music. I haven't touched my guitar in a while, and I'm bursting with new ideas. I'm going to start writing again.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going home for the first time since December. I need a good vacation from this place. Not that it's been bad, but it's always good to get out for a little bit to refresh myself with unbiased thought.

Speaking of unbiased thought, I'm workin on that. I was thinking about my motivations and about my desires, and it's so hard to measure them when you let your emotions get in the way. It clouds the way you think of other people. I've realized that I'm a bit more emotional than I credit myself with though I don't express the kind of emotions that one would think. I don't cry and I haven't in a long time. I get upset though. My emotions eat at me from the inside causing me to loose sleep or appetite or to back down from social situations or to become overbearing. Those are the kinds of emotions that I have to learn to control. Part of that I use and express through my music, but I haven't done that in a while so I've got a pretty cloudy mind right now. Actually I think a lot of it spurs from the anxiety of change. I've been through quite a bit of change lately with a new job, a new apartment, new co-workers, and a new way of life. That's a good bit of pressure. It'll be ten times this amount of pressure when I graduate next year. Ouch.

Haha, I'm watching The Poseidon Adventure right now and everyone is taking deep breaths and going under water to follow a rope through part of the submerged ship. Every time someone goes under I catch myself holding my breath. It's pretty good. I don't know about the new one. Hollywood has the tendency to take movies like this and "pop" them out with thrills and scares. Why would you re-do a movie like this?

I'm in the midst, also, of reading two books. First there's "Dante's Inferno". It's part of Dante's Divine Comedy (not "haha" comedy) on Heaven and Hell. This book is his depiction of Hell and it's many steps. He seriously could have been burned alive for some of the things he said back then about bishops and popes being in the center of Hell... Pretty crazy.

The second book I'm working on is "Yvain or The Knight with the Lion". It's an old classic French poem written during a time of fascination over King Arthur's Court. Thus far, a pretty good book.

Well... now I leave you. Peace and love.

It's Been One Week

I spent last night over at Giorgio's house sharing in high and lofty conversation, the present and future in all of life's facets all over several games of pool. It was good timing, very good timing. We traded advice on what will soon be rough and uncertain waters for me. I was certain before last night, but now I have a great deal to think about. I did most of that thinking today as I cleaned the house. I won't really be around for the rest of the week as I have work and then will be going back to North Carolina for a few days. I look forward to that. But things are clean and I feel at ease.

I'm trying to get healthy. I feel rather weak these days. I've lost a bit of weight, but my heart is still pumping at a remarkable 46 beats per minute. I set off the alarm at the doctor's office today while I was having my blood pressure taken. All that aside, I need to eat more healthily. I'm pretty sure that's the root of the problem. I'm getting enough sleep and I'm still relatively active, but I'm not eating wisely.

Tomorrow I work again, both driving cars and sitting at the desk. Other than that I have no plans. Peace and love.

Too Tired for a Title

A hard day's work feels good, but I'm in a lot of pain. I did well enough in training, though, that they let me take from tips on the first day which doesn't happen that often, so that makes me feel pretty good. I drove all kinds of cars and I really think I can get the hang of this job. I just need some time to sort through the day. A lot happened in those eight hours, and I'm left slightly confused, but not hopeless.

Tonight will be a natural sleep. I've got to do this all over again tomorrow morning and I'm not exactly looking forward to the early start, but I've got to get used to it.

Oh, but this morning as I was walking out to my car I saw the most amazing cloud scape. My overlook of the city from here is absolutely great, and the sun shown through the clouds creating beams that touched down in a fan-like pattern all across the city below. As much of a hurry as I was in, I had to stop for a moment and just take it all in. It's a good reminder to me of who God is.

Peace and love.

Any Ideas?

One foot in front of the other. I have to remember that day by day as life gets more and more complicated. And there are certain things that still bother me, things that shouldn't. But that's just me. I'm the guy that just can't find it in him to let something go. Even when I want to I can't. I'm constantly bothered by some deep thought or by the weight of things that tripped me up yesterday or years ago. I'm not trying to claim an intellectual depth. That would be far from the truth. I just sometimes get curious to see the world through the eyes of someone who doesn't see the things that I see, someone who sees a rainy day as a cleansing and rejuvenating day instead of a grey, sunless, dreary day. I dated a girl like that once, and I never understood how she did it. At first I thought it was naivety but then I came to be envious of it. But I'm not ashamed of who I am. I just haven't quite figured out my entire purpose yet. I know my basic nature and my strengths and weaknesses, but purpose... heh... what senior in college knows his or her purpose? I guess there are some, but not many.

Tonight I sleep early again. I'm up at 5:30 for work and I haven't managed that in a LONG time, so we'll see what happens throughout the day. I did manage to scavenge up a couple Red Bull to open my eyes in the morning, but my brain is another story. When I get there I'm going to hold a positive mentality. I WILL enjoy this job. I'd better enjoy it. I'm going to be spending most of my time there.

Peace and love.

Still Not Settled

It was a more relaxed day today than I had planned for. I didn't have check-out duty this morning and work only took half an hour at the valet. They needed to schedule with me and that was about it.

So what did I do? I spent most of the day with Cameron and Aaron watching movies, going to dinner, and going to the store. Now I'm back and it's only 9:30, but I'm trying something new. I'm trying to readjust my sleeping habits to permit me to wake up at 5:45 so that I can make it to work by 7. It's going to be rough. I never was a morning person, and I don't have money yet for a coffee maker.

I'm going to be taking up reading as a pass time. It'll help keep me balanced and focused. Other than that... I'm pretty bored right now. I'm going to watch another movie and then go to bed. Peace and love.

Hard Work Gets Harder

I didn't rest much today. I suspect it shall be a while before I really can. I'm in the midst of so much transition right now with my two new jobs and the whole schedule changing. I'm also under a good bit of physical pressure which is always fine by me. But through all of this my head is surprisingly clear... most of the time.

I got a haircut today. I've really come to enjoy getting my hair cut because it's an excuse to just sit back and give someone else control for a while. I'm not even worried about how they cut it. It's hair, it'll grow back if it's crappy.

I had to be back for duty tonight though. That was tough. This is a much larger area to cover as an RA on duty, and it seemed like everybody needed to be checked in or out during my shift. My feet and legs hurt from climbing so many stairs for so many days, but I'm not going to complain. It's good for me.

Tomorrow will be a long day. I've got check-in in the morning until 2:30 and then I have training from 3 until 11 pm. I'll be doing that for three days straight, so I'm going to be a bit tired for a while... but I think I already mentioned that.

Who knows... Before this is all over... I might switch from tea to coffee.

Peace and love.

All Moved In

The summer has officially started. I'm finally all moved in to my new apartment. It was pure exhaustion. Let's see... 25 hours total of moving boxes and straightening up. Good times. It makes sitting back with the final product that much more satisfying. I'm hurtin though.

I start work tomorrow morning, uh err, RA work that is, not valet. That comes on Tuesday I believe. Still have to figure out how I'm going to do both. Well... I suppose I could show you around the new place... Atleast the room part of it. Let me try and post some new pics.






There we go. The first pic is my closet n stuff... A pretty big closet if you ask me (but you probably didn't). The next pic is of the same closet, but this time the door is closed so you can see my bed n stuff... A bigger bed than I'm used to. The next is of my entrance, and the next is of my tv corner. I couldn't show you out the window. I wish I could because the city view is amazing. Belmont is on the highest point in Nashville and my apartment is on the hillside (hence the name Hillside). I got a great window.

Sorry my hair was wet for the picture (but not that sorry). I just took a shower and I feel great. Time for some leftover Chineese food. Peace and love.

Pembroke, Farewell

This is the very last of it. For three years I have lived under this roof experiencing new life as a freshman, enduring new hardships as a sophomore and RA, and slowly burning out as a junior and RA. Walking the halls when nobody else is here brings back great memories but at the same time, sad. We didn't realize what we had when we had it. It was great, but these walls also speak of change. Year by year new faces come and old faces leave. Next year no one here will know who I am. I will be a stranger when I walk through the doors, trespassing on their turf. And each year gets faster. When I was younger I used to immagine what life today would be like, and now that it's here, it's gone just as fast.

My last night in Pembroke. My last journal from this desk in this room in Pembroke. So much was said here. I feel like I'm graduating.

The move has been rough though, a good deal harder than what I initially though. I woke up this morning at nine, and 16 hours later, I'm not quite done yet. It's been steady work, taking order to chaos and back to order again. It's like I'm moving in and out at the same time. First off I took my decorations over to the apartment and set them up. This way I could get a good idea as to where I wanted what. Then I moved stuff I knew I couldn't fit in the apartment over to the house. I took my car there with some lamps and such and then came back with Stuffy's 4-runner and moved my fridge, my futon and matress, my tree, and my night stand over to the house.

It was here where I caught myself. I've always been a small guy. I've always been told that I was too small or too young to do certain things. Well, in response to that I started working harder and taking on tasks much larger than myself to say that just because I'm small in size doesn't mean that I can't equal what other people can do. I was moving huge stuff by myself. When I got the fridge all the way down to the car from the third floor, I cut my hand open on it. That's when I realized how rediculous I was. What am I trying to prove now? I'm not that small anymore.

Well anyways, I got that over to the house and then started moving more and more stuff to the apartment. I didn't realize how much crap I actually own. My room is still pretty covered and I don't know what all to do with this stuff. I also had to go to Walmart to pick up some essentials. Those essentials ended up being way more expensive than I had planned. I'm getting nervous about my money again. Oh well, I'm about to start my new job.

Okay... here it is... The last time I shall go to bed in Pembroke Hall. The last time I shall close my journal in Pembroke Hall... The last time I shall, in Pembroke Hall, say "Peace and love".

Squared Away?

Almost... I haven't really started packing yet. It feels sad to take stuff off of my walls and put them in boxes, even if I am just moving it from one side of the campus to the other. The apartment I'm moving into is a nice four-man apartment, only the two other guys living there don't want me to move in. (sarcastically) I wonder why? I thought anyone would LOVE to have an RA move in with them for the summer. I guess I'll never understand.

It's not quite the way I would have wished my summer to start, but challenges are entertainments of sorts I suppose. My other source of entertainment shall be my new job training today... four hours of it. I hope they have snacks or I might die.

Last night proved more difficult than I thought. It was our award ceremony for being RA's all year. It was my last. I always feel weird at those things. I feel like maybe I could have worked harder or done things differently. I got my blanket for resignation and I tried to not get emotional about it, but I'm pretty sure it showed through. I've got a bright future ahead of me though. I won't be slowed down.

So... I feel ready. I'm not quite sure what's going to happen this next year, and I don't really feel like making any predictions. I hope to grow and to become a bit wiser. I hope to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I hope to graduate. I won't be worried though. To expect this ride to be smooth would be naive. It will get bumpy and uncomfortable but I'm strong enough to stand up. I'm excited to stand at the top of the mountain and look back at all the places I tripped and fell and all the places I succeeded. I guess after that I'll just have to find a new mountain. Peace and love.

Summer Mode

I've got a chest cough. I hate these things. You can hack and hack and hack, but you can never satisfy the tickling sensation in your throat. Deep breaths only make it worse... Gross.

Class is over. That's the big news. I'm done for the semester and I couldn't be more happy. There are still a few details here and there that I have to get squared away, but I feel good about it. Residents are moving out. I'm burdoned with less responsibility. I can finally come out of my shell for the next three months. Staying here in Nashville will be different, but I look forward to the new experiences. I look forward to being able to make new decisions.

I'm getting started tomorrow. Peace and love.

The Last Week

Tonight Matt and I decided to pull our powers together and cook a HUGE meal. It's called Breakfast for Dinner, and it's pretty much the ultimate man meal. We had waffles, sausage, eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, and sweat tea. Not only did we cook all that food, but we cooked enough for four people, only there were just two of us. I still smell like bacon grease. So on my full stomach I finished my philosophy paper and now I just need to work hard on getting a few final details squared away, study for two more tests, and then I'm home free. I'm excited about this next week. It's always a good time to unwind once all of the residents have moved out for the summer. Things change pretty quickly, but in a lot of ways for the better.

I've heard good rumors that Eric has become slightly responsive in the hospital. He's not quite out of the woods yet as he is still in critical condition, but thank you all for your prayers, I know their family appreciates it.

Well... I'm gunna head off to bed now. I'm almost better from being sick, but not quite. I was so bad this morning that I almost went and bought some meds... hehe, but not sick enough. Here's to you. Peace and love.

I Might Be Confused

So far this week has proved high and low. I haven't really had any in between feelings. I've been excessively angry and exceedingly happy, joyous and sorrowful, well and sick. I don't know what's going on really, other than the year is making is grousome last stand.

My anger came from experiencing the detestible. I met someone who I initially thought was a pleasant person and who I even considered opening up to only to find out that she was using me. She was proud, deceitful, arrogant, controlling, boastful, and seemingly had no decency for anything of seriousness or depth. I was angry that I even tried to spend time with her, but then I couldn't be angry at her anymore. I thought to myself "Is this how some people see me?" I figured that she and I actually had a lot in common, only she wears hers on the outside while mine is well hidden on the inside. So now I deliberate, who is better? Neither of us. We have bright futures outside of love, but within love we share a common fate. Unless we change we will never find true love. We will always feel a bitter distrust towards the other sex. We will always look too deep into a situation and try to control it so as not to get hurt. We will continue to lie to ourselves and make believe that we are wiser than we really are. The difference between she and I isn't our irreverance or distrust, but merely our self control. That's what made me angry.

My happiness came from Brittany who sent me a care package. I was starving, as good as dead, but she had pity on me and sent me something to eat for the next good while. It's nice to know that people think of you and take care of you even when you don't ask for their help. I don't get that too often though because I think I put off this front that I don't really want anyone's help, that I'm happy struggling by myself. Sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes I'm just to proud to ask.

My joy came from mornings this past week. I've woken up in a good mood just about every day. It's been harder, even in the midst of such business and hard work, for me to be shaken. I have been able to see beauty more clearly.

My sorrow came from the news I received last night. My friend Eric from back home overdosed on Tylonol last night and is in critical condition. He's got a 50/50% chance of survival and I just don't know how to feel. Part of me feels guilty in that I didn't try hard enough to reach out to him. I mean I knew times were rough for him, but I didn't know they were that bad. The other part of me is sort of upset. Doesn't he know how many people love him? And then I go right back to myself. Did I express my love loudly enough? At this point, all I can do is pray for him and his family and wait by my phone hoping for the best. I would ask of you to keep he and his family in your prayers as well.

Tomorrow is going to be a rough day, the next few days for that matter. I've got to finish of the year with a paper and two more exams on Tuesday on top of checking out residents. After that I have to get my summer situated with my new RA position and my new job. I'll try to keep the best attitude I can about it. Other than that, I'm going to go to bed early. Despite all of my exercise this week I have managed to pick up a bit of a sickness. I need it to go away. I don't have time for stuff like this. Hope you all are doing well. Peace and love.

A Horrible Time to Loose Sleep

One would think that with all of the activities I have been partaking of for a past few days I would be tired enough to sleep. This morning I woke up early and got the day started. I rode bikes with Matt for 5 miles, then I played frisbee, then I walked another 3 miles. My body is soar and achy, but I can't sleep. My head is so busy right now. Thought after thought of matters that don't even hold that great of significance keep jumping in and out of my skull. I was lying there on my bed remembering stuff from 7 or 8 years ago! I haven't even had any caffeen. Maybe it's the wings I had for dinner. Maybe it's the exam I have tomorrow morning at 8am. Maybe it's a number of things. Peace and Love.

Done?

I can't believe it. I can't believe I've finished another year in this building. It's my last though. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. But tonight was great. The formal was a blast and I danced like crazy. Everyone had a good time. My legs and feet hurt now though... small price to pay. Tomorrow I start check-out duty. It'll all be behind me soon. Summer's challenges are right around the corner. Peace and Love.

Thank You for your Comment. It Means a Great Deal

Bad Turned Good

I was a bit worried this morning when I woke up that I was going to have a rough day. I did, after all, have a rough night last night. My conscience was correct in slapping me up side the head. I just have this really horrid tendancy to be too sneaky. It's not that I enjoy hurting other people, but I get so involved in the game that it becomes all I focus on. I'm a moron. So that's what was on my mind last night. I don't think I slept too well, but if that is the least of my punishments then I am greatful. But when I woke this morning I read the weather. It was supposed to be rainy and cold... again. I hate that. So I got dressed and drug my feet all the way to seminar. I didn't pay much attention because... well... I'm not too sure why. The guy was interesting for the few snippets that I did focus, but I just wasn't in the mood. After that, I went to get my vaceen check-up at Vanderbilt. I had to give quite a bit of blood, but I get free juice, so it's awsome. Then I went to McDonalds for lunch. Haven't been there in a while, but I needed something besids ramen to tide me over. Good ol fish filet sandwich. When I got back to campus, I couldn't think of a thing that I had to do before tonight, so I just packed up all of my things and went over to the house to record. I've been meaning to record some stuff to send home to my church, but as of late I've been either too selfish or too busy. It turned out to be just what I needed though. Sitting here in my underwear playing all sorts of instruments. It's hot in here, but I got one song done. One song in four hours... that's alot... and it's not even completely done yet, but whatever. I'm just glad to finally have some time to do it. Well... tomorrow is the last day of classes and then the formal. I'm excited to go and excited to be done. Exams are not my stress right now at all. I'm more concerned about my future. I have so many options but they don't all have what I want. I could either go for money, satisfaction, togetherness, or lonliness, but I can't have it all. It's rough to make these sort of decisions. Well... everybody... Peace and Love.