Bury the Dead but Remember

Today my mentor taught me something new about myself that I hadn't realized before. My desire for closure, especially in relationships, is directly correlated with my controlling nature. I just can't let go of the possibility that the failed results of a situation I was involved with could have held a different outcome had I done something different. I torture myself with it sometimes for years trying to prepare for the next opportunity to prove to myself that I can overcome. What a waste of time. I'm sure I've missed out on some great opportunities because I've been so busy thinking about myself and my failures. He was also trying to teach me to embrace myself though. I am sitting here the way I am because of everything that has happened to me in the past both good and bad. God still sees me as beautiful and valuable even if I don't. But why shouldn't I? Finally we talked about my difficulty in grasping the possibility of love coming into my life. Ideals. My ideals. They're too fitted, to perfect in design. A woman doesn't exist that fits them. I'm not talking about physical beauty so much as I am talking about emotional and rational composition on TOP of some physical attraction. It's something I've thought about before, but sometimes it just takes someone else to point out my problems in order for me to understand it.

As far as my future is concerned, both immediate and distant, I'm laying it all down. I don't trust the Lord enough to deal with my problems. I either think they're too insignificant in the face of the struggles of the universe, or I'm selfish and want to find a solution myself. Depending on how he supplies for me and responds is dependant on when I make my trip home, what I do to make money next semester, where and how I spend my money and my time.

In the face of all of this understanding all I can really think about is how incredibly young I am, but my struggles are like a pulse or like muscular pain after a difficult workout. I know I'm making progress. Peace and love.

Oh yeah. Einstein found a mathematical equation that proved the existance of God. Think I'm lying? Check it out.

Dreams and Reminders

I woke up this morning before I wanted to, but not because I felt tired and needed to sleep more. I actualy felt quite refreshed. My desire to keep hitting my snooze button spurred from a dream I had last night. If you ready my journal from yesterday, I wrote on how jaded I am to the idea of love. I don't feel like it's real anymore. Well... dreams are funny sometimes. I can only think that God tagged this one on my bedpost last night because it reminded me in a powerful way that it's not lost hope for me just yet. Impatience is what bothers me most... so I must learn to wait.

I'm pretty scruffy tonight, but hey, that doesn't usually last too long. My job requires that I keep well groomed, but I was pushing the envelope yesterday and today I'm over the edge. I like feeling dirty though. I feel more free... more smelly certainly, but again, more free. I realize more and more each day that I'm really not the kind of person that likes to be bound up by society. I am motivated by limitlessness (in most cases). I like doing new things too. I like new expreiences just for the sake that they are new, not even for the activity in itself. Today, for instance, I was wearing my church cloths and Matt and I decided to go to the quad and throw frisbee. A few minutes into our casual tossing, a storm developed with ground hitting lightning and heavy rains. Instead of leaving, we put our valuables in my car and just kept playing. We left drenched, but I felt satisfied because it was a new experience.

So right now I'm listening to one of my church's sermons on CD that I got today. This one is of last weeks and the other one is from today, but I've taken a liking to it. I get more of a chance to analyze what is said, to mull through it, to chew it up. I'm trying to learn to let go of my worries. I have a lot to chew this year. I might be in over my head. But when I worry and get stressed out over things that I have very little control over, I waste not just my time, but the people's around me. I give my best all the time, and considering that and considering that God has always seen to my needs, I shouldn't be too worried about what happens next year or the year after. It all works out just fine in the end.

Peace and love.

Needless Difficulty

It's about this time every year for the past several years that I encounter a bizarre heart ache. I don't want to be specific about it with you. I'm tired of sharing with other people the way I feel about it because I think sharing only makes the situation worse. I have become poetic with my expression over this matter, making it ever more hard to deal with. Why write about it then? Because I have to do something with it.

I was working today at the hotel, which is unusual because I don't generally work on Saturdays. There was some wind that they would be short handed so I volunteered, which I came to regret for more than one reason as the day progressed. To get the lesser reasons out of the way, I didn't make hardly any money at all for the amount of energy I exerted, but more than that were the thoughts that I happened upon while working. There was a wedding reception that the hotel was going nuts for in attempts to be in order once the many guests arrived. I was on the ramp waiting for cars when I was called to help carry flowers inside to the ballroom where the reception was going to be held. When I got there, the atmosphere was already set with music and decor all depicting romance. When I went back downstairs I saw the bride and groom come in the front doors sill dressed in their wedding cloths. It reminded me of my sister's wedding except for the bride and groom being younger than I. I felt sorry for them for that. I hope they are prepared for the challenges that will come their way at such a young age. But the atmosphere was that of love and commitment which got me to thinking. Every day I feel more and more distant from such a thing ever coming in to my life. It feels like a fairy tale to me. I can't imagine someone who could understand me nor have I ever met a girl who has cared to care for me longer than a few months. Beyond that, I envision a passion by which I cannot sacrifice for less. I wouldn't want to be in love if love turned out not to be the passion I hoped for. And more and more each day, not only do I feel like there's not a girl out there who could feel that way for me, but I don't even feel like I could care for someone else like that. I used to think I had something to give, but not so much anymore. So I look at the situation. Is it me or is it society? I think it's a bit of both. I'm more selfish than I'm even aware of but society is pretty effed up too. I can't even meet girls anymore. Today you have to have a damn good reason to just walk up to a girl and say "hello" or else you're liable to get maced in the eyes. And then you say hello. Well... if at that point they haven't mistaken your communication as "let's get married" and in turn been scared away or way overly interested, then it STILL is all up to you to make all of the moves and work everything out.

That doesn't interest me at all anymore. Do girls exist that don't like to make a guy suffer to win their favor?

Enough of my yammering on that. There's plenty more resting on my mind than just that. For instance, how am I going to survive next year? Not only am I taking crazy loads of class in order to graduate on time, but I'm taking Calculus (the class I dropped last semester because I was failing it) on top of physics, I'm working to pay for rent off campus, I'm the president of a fraternity, and I want to get more involved with my church. I'm trying to figure out how all of this is going to work and I just get all bent out of shape thinking about it. I know God has a great way of working these things out, but how much is He expecting me to do on my own. He doesn't just expect me to be stupid for the rest of my life because He's worked everything out to where I don't even have to apply myself anymore, does He? So how much effort is this going to take? Where is my breaking point? And lastly, Why?

I feel so shallow asking questions like that. In my depths I know why, but I still ask. I just, for once, want to feel like I'm not under the gun. I want to know that I'm working at a good pace and that I'm doing a good job. I want comfort in prideless confidence while still meeting challenge in good spirit. Is that possible?

Peace and love.

Health

I gotta get healthy, not just physically, but all the way around. I'm tired of being uninterested and uninvolved. I'm tired of feeling tired all of the time. I don't want to waste my time being selfish. Who ever gained satisfaction by pleasing themselves all of the time? I have these next few weeks to prepare for next year and I can either take that time and use it wisely or I can waste it and pay later.

But as we all know, I'm a big talker. Let's see if I can hold to it.

Peace and love.

What Next?

Tonight I feel unsettled, like a bottle rocket or a loose cannon. I'm at the edge of finishing this worship project and I can't say that I'm %100 satisfied with my work, but considering how much time was spent on it, it's not too bad. Seems like my life is filling up these days with all sorts of different activities which I can't really complain about, it's just that sometimes I wish someone would drink me or maybe spill me or something metaphorical like that. I find in my reflections that I'm a very uncontent individual. I never feel like what I do is good enough nor where I am in my life. It's always that one step higher that I just can't reach. The first person I pick out in a crowd is the one more achieved than I. That's why, I think, rejection hurts so bad. It's because it's so hard for me to find value in myself. And what's more is my not being able to find my value in other people. I can be told that I'm great at something, but if I don't see it, it's not there. A mindset like that makes life hard. It sets limits on the relationships you have with others and it makes it hard to start new ones. What keeps me going? The hope that I'll find it someday. I might find my niche in the wheel sorta like I did my senior year in high school. I tried every sport there was and finally my senior year I ended up swimming and I was really good at it and I felt good about it. Music used to be my thing. I felt good about it and others made me feel good about it too. Here, it's different. I haven't really found that thing that sets me apart from everyone else because here we all are the same. And what I am seems simple for now. I'm a white, 22 year old, averagely intelligent, single male college student. I usually don't eat breakfast. I have a morning job that makes slow money. My car is standard but it works and at least I have one. My cloths are a little worn and old, but I've never really given fasion much thought. I've been around the world and seen crazy things, but no one my age really seems to care when I talk about. Only people who have been around the world understand.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'll get out of here some day. For now I'll just do my job as a student and an employee. Maybe I'm not supposed to find it yet, and if that's what's going to keep my life interesting, then so be it. I guess life would suck pretty bad if I got what I wanted whenever I wanted it. Peace and love.

An Age Without Technology

And by age, I mean a week. My computer has been over at the house for the past week, which is where I am right now. The reason being is because I've been recording an entire album for my parents' trip to China in a few days. It's been hard work, but good in ways too. I've never sat down and worked on an entire album before, especially not while working two jobs and taking class. I only wish I had more time to spend on it to perfect it, but I don't posess that kind of time. For the most part, the project has kept me at an even keel. If I have too much time to myself, I start getting too introspective and self destructive which then steals my motivation to do anything, forcing me into a cycle of lazyness. I have enough important things to think about as it is WITHOUT considering all of the little things that are wrong with me. My job, for one, is in question. I like this job a great deal, and I'm getting pretty good at it, but the problem is that I haven't been making above minimum wage for the past two weeks. If that doesn't change soon I'm going to have to find a new job. I can't work for that kind of money. I'll probably just have to grin and get a table job. I'm giving it this one last week though before I make any rough decisions. Remember, I need a job that can support me through next year. We'll see.

My car has been giving me trouble this week, but it has slowed down a little bit. The damage has disappeared for now. I can only pray that it stays that way. I'm going to have to get that exhaust fixed though. My car sounds like a lawnmower.

I always write choppy sentences when I start to get tired. I think I'm sleeping here at the house tonight even though I don't really have anything to wear for church tomorrow. I don't go to a picky church though. They don't really seem to care WHAT people wear just as long as it's covering the essentials. Anyways, I just don't feel like making the trip back to the apartment. This way I save money on gas.

I'll be meeting with my mentor this week. That'll be interesting getting to know a new person all of the sudden. One of the things I realized when I started working my new job is that my social skills aren't as keen as I thought they were. I'm really comfortable here in the college setting, so I tend to be fairly smooth and relaxed in social settings, but outside of that, I'm a complete geek. I never trust what words will come out of my mouth and in what order. I was reading an article in the paper the other day and it said that such lacking communication skills are common among my generation and the rising generations due to increased technology which limits face to face interaction. I can see that. AIM is partly to blame, they say, because improvisation is no longer a necessary speech tool. You have time to read over someone else's response before you reply in turn. Usually I can carry a pretty good conversation in type, but when I'm face to face with someone, I just can't spit out the right words fast enough, so I can see some truth to the article.

Sleep time now. Peace and love.

Cranky

I've had a rough day, not because of circumstances, but because of my attitude. I'm feeling really negative right now due to the usual external factors of sleeplessness and business. Work passed by pretty fast, but then I started on the album I'm working on again, and I got soooo agrivated. I haven't gotten to do much sitting down today to just breath and I probably won't get to. It just seems like nothing is working and I'm slowly getting more and more sloppy. I've been pacing and pensive all day long. I don't think this venting is helping me. Peace and love.

Those Were Squirrels, NOT Small Dogs

To most people, they're cute and fuzzy with a big bushy tail... but to me... they are the enemy. Will I break for a squirrel when it wanders out into the street as my car fastly approaches? Certainly. Neither of us have any claim over that domain. We are, in fact, very much alike, trying to get from one place to another, however, these rules change in the face of certain circumstances. The time? 6:22am on a Sunday morning. When must I wake for church? 9:30am. Two hours and eight minutes being stolen from my slumber is UNACCEPTABLE! Mitch, Stuffy, and I all had the strangest dream around that hour that something huge was being kept in the attic. For Mitch and I it was a dog. We awoke realizing that there was indeed somethingS in the attic completely disrespecting the ceremonial sleeping habbits of the college aged male. The line had been crossed. Both Mitch and I had previously contemplated the purchasing of air rifles at the start of summer... but there were more pressing matters at hand, bills, bills, and more bills. Priorities, though, tend to change when the sanctimonious practice of sleep is trampled upon, and after church today, we went out and brandished two new firearms and enough ammo for the neighborhood. See, the reason I was over there in the first place is because I have been working on a worship project to send with my parents on their mission trip, but with rodents scurrying around in the attic, the recording doesn't quite turn out as desired. In short, THESE SQUIRRELS ARE INTERFERRING WITH GOD'S WORK, and this being so, Mitch and I have been deemed the righteous hammer of God to fall upon the brow of the hethen squirrel, that they might find penitence before they perish at our mighty right hands. Not only that, but their hides shall be skinned and mounted as a testimony for all of squirrel kind that FREEDOM will always reign and TERRORISM is stupid!

Having vented my agression... I shall continue further. For some reason I am easily irritated by things that really shouldn't bother me. I get really defensive. One of the big ones is when people touch me when I'm not expecting it. It makes the hair on my neck stand up, and I really shouldn't be bothered that much by it. I think maybe I developed that when I was younger and my older brother would play rough with me. He didn't know his own strength and sometimes he would end up hurting me, so I learned to defend myself at the very get-go. I guess it just stuck with me because whenever someone grabs me unexpectedly or slaps me or anything of that nature, my first instinct is to hit back, but harder. Granted, I generally don't hit back as much as I used to, but I sometimes still do. I've never, nor would I ever, hit a girl... unless... she were hitting me counting on the fact that I wouldn't hit her back... maybe then I would ACT like I was going to, but then be like "haha, just kidding." Only she probably wouldn't think that was funny because she's not a guy and guys think that kind of stuff is funny. Anyways... I think I just need to calm down and stop getting so defensive about stuff that doesn't really matter.

Well... looks like my duty shift is over. I'm gunna go shower and then maybe read before bed. It'll be an early start though, seeing as those squirrels at the house are going to wake up to a bit of a surprise. Who wants a squirrel skinned cap?

Peace and love (except for the squirrels... they can die.)

Under Pressure

Work had me pretty stressed out today. I try to go in with a positive mindset, but some days it is easier to divert my attentions than others. It seemed like a theme in place for my today labors. Both of my jobs sent me on a wild goose chase doing something very uncommon with very poor communication. Now usually I'm fairly inward with my agressions towards such matters. It's similar to letting the air out of a balloon. I generally poke a hole near the knot and let the pressure eek out over a long period of time without making any noise. I'm not the explosive type (usually... I can't say 'never'). Today, however, I did that annoying thing where you pinch the lip of the balloon and it squeals all of the air out. I didn't get too angry, but I did vent. This kind of action usually comes about due to an inner conflict. I have two competing sides. The first side is my desire for an honorable lifestyle. I think to myself "take and complete whatever is given you without complaning and you will end up in the gain." The other side is my desire for personal justice (which I name the antagonist). That side says "Don't let them step all over you like some pawn. Stand up for yourself. Don't be taken advantage of." When these two chemicals combine, it forms an explosive gas that builds up pressure and must be releived (not by farting... usually).

Wow, it just started raining. I wonder if I can leave my window open or if I'll get everything in my room wet. I think it's time for a scientific experiment.

The good news for tomorrow is that it's my last day of work until Tuesday. I'm thrilled and exhausted at the same time. I need to make more money than I am right now, but hopefully business will pick up. It helps keep my mind occupied allowing for the time to pass more speedily. Have a nice tomorrow (or today depending). Peace and Love.

Silence... Sometimes A Better Composition Than the Best Music

I have so much I want to write about tonight. My head is swimming fast right now, trying to prioritize before my fingers finish typing.

Last night I had a bizarre dream. I was at the ocean and I was wearing a wetsuit. The water was a deep deep blue, not the usual brown stirred up water that you usually see at the beach, but the water you would see several miles off shore. The sun was low but neither rising nor setting, and I was compelled to swim out past the waves to a cluster of icebergs. On one of the icebergs was a woman, also in a wetsuit, teaching a class on the distinguished varieties of penguins. I saw at my feet two penguins, one a puffin and the other an emperor penguin. I clearly remember naming the two out loud to the teacher and marveling at how close they would let me get to them. Then, all of the sudden, I was startled by a stirring in the water. Just beside the iceberg where I was standing swam a large narwhale. I jumped and became afraid because I had never seen anything like it before. It had a huge horn sticking out of it's head that I thought it might stab me with if it got the chance. I had only heard of such things existing. Never before had I seen one. I watched it, though, as it swam speedily towards the shore where it heaved itself onto the land. I swam back to look at it and decide whether or not I would, or even could, help. I was too afraid to go near it though. It was just too strange and fearsome looking for me to approach. After that I woke up. I was in awe of my dream so I spent a while on the computer trying to find an image of a narwhale to make sure I wasn't crazy. I found this. That picture was almost exactly what I saw in my dream, only its horn was a bit longer and more distinguished. It also seemed rather large. But it's dreams like these that make me wonder what I've been thinking. I haven't heard of or seen a narwhale in years, but my dream drew it perfectly. I don't know sometimes.

Work today was slow going. We only had 9 cars and I only made $25. That's just not enough. I need to do better than that. If the job keeps on yielding such low return I might have to find a new one. I hope not though. This one seems very accommodating.

Ya know, instead of finishing all the things I had to say, I think tonight I will just sit in my silence and digest it all a bit further. I have learned to appreciate more silence as of late. I listen to a good bit of music on a daily basis, but sometimes it is good to make a change. I'll talk to you tomorrow perhaps.

Peace and love.

In High Point

I'm here in High Point and I have been for the past two days. I leave tomorrow which I'm not exactly looking forward to, but work calls back in Nashville. It was nice to get to see everyone though, or as many people as I did get to see. I forgot how fast four days can go by, and I haven't been here since December. Lots of things have changed since then. New buildings everywhere, kids I knew when they were waist high are graduating from high school, everybody is different. I guess I'm pretty different myself though. I'll be graduating in a year.

But it's fun to walk the shadows of your youth, to put your hands on the walls of buildings that you touched when you were very very young. Yesterday I even stopped at a few stores randomly that I hadn't been to in about 14 years. I didn't realize it until I was inside and smelled that all too familiar smell. I even remembered where most everything was. It was like those two places were timeless. Walking through my home church was funny too. I have so many memories there and hardly anybody remembers me mostly because there are so many new members. All in all my memory was jogged into realizing just how fast time has passed since three years ago, two years ago, last year. It all gets faster and faster. I wonder if I'll ever hit terminal velocity or if I'll just keep on speeding up to the day I die.

Peace and love.

City Streets

So this is where I've been working for the past week.

It's a good job, and I make decent money. For instance, today Drew Carey left us a $100 tip. That doesn't happen every day, but it was cool to meet him. The only rough part about the job is standing and running all day with exception to lunch. At lunch I go walking through downtown to find my friend Joe the hotdog guy. He and I are on a first name basis and he serves New York style hotdogs from an authentic city sidewalk hotdog stand. The city, especially around the capital building, looks amazing during the day, with people going in and out of fancy tall buildings or sitting on benches talking with friends.

Lately I've been having a longing to get back into my music. I haven't touched my guitar in a while, and I'm bursting with new ideas. I'm going to start writing again.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going home for the first time since December. I need a good vacation from this place. Not that it's been bad, but it's always good to get out for a little bit to refresh myself with unbiased thought.

Speaking of unbiased thought, I'm workin on that. I was thinking about my motivations and about my desires, and it's so hard to measure them when you let your emotions get in the way. It clouds the way you think of other people. I've realized that I'm a bit more emotional than I credit myself with though I don't express the kind of emotions that one would think. I don't cry and I haven't in a long time. I get upset though. My emotions eat at me from the inside causing me to loose sleep or appetite or to back down from social situations or to become overbearing. Those are the kinds of emotions that I have to learn to control. Part of that I use and express through my music, but I haven't done that in a while so I've got a pretty cloudy mind right now. Actually I think a lot of it spurs from the anxiety of change. I've been through quite a bit of change lately with a new job, a new apartment, new co-workers, and a new way of life. That's a good bit of pressure. It'll be ten times this amount of pressure when I graduate next year. Ouch.

Haha, I'm watching The Poseidon Adventure right now and everyone is taking deep breaths and going under water to follow a rope through part of the submerged ship. Every time someone goes under I catch myself holding my breath. It's pretty good. I don't know about the new one. Hollywood has the tendency to take movies like this and "pop" them out with thrills and scares. Why would you re-do a movie like this?

I'm in the midst, also, of reading two books. First there's "Dante's Inferno". It's part of Dante's Divine Comedy (not "haha" comedy) on Heaven and Hell. This book is his depiction of Hell and it's many steps. He seriously could have been burned alive for some of the things he said back then about bishops and popes being in the center of Hell... Pretty crazy.

The second book I'm working on is "Yvain or The Knight with the Lion". It's an old classic French poem written during a time of fascination over King Arthur's Court. Thus far, a pretty good book.

Well... now I leave you. Peace and love.

It's Been One Week

I spent last night over at Giorgio's house sharing in high and lofty conversation, the present and future in all of life's facets all over several games of pool. It was good timing, very good timing. We traded advice on what will soon be rough and uncertain waters for me. I was certain before last night, but now I have a great deal to think about. I did most of that thinking today as I cleaned the house. I won't really be around for the rest of the week as I have work and then will be going back to North Carolina for a few days. I look forward to that. But things are clean and I feel at ease.

I'm trying to get healthy. I feel rather weak these days. I've lost a bit of weight, but my heart is still pumping at a remarkable 46 beats per minute. I set off the alarm at the doctor's office today while I was having my blood pressure taken. All that aside, I need to eat more healthily. I'm pretty sure that's the root of the problem. I'm getting enough sleep and I'm still relatively active, but I'm not eating wisely.

Tomorrow I work again, both driving cars and sitting at the desk. Other than that I have no plans. Peace and love.

Too Tired for a Title

A hard day's work feels good, but I'm in a lot of pain. I did well enough in training, though, that they let me take from tips on the first day which doesn't happen that often, so that makes me feel pretty good. I drove all kinds of cars and I really think I can get the hang of this job. I just need some time to sort through the day. A lot happened in those eight hours, and I'm left slightly confused, but not hopeless.

Tonight will be a natural sleep. I've got to do this all over again tomorrow morning and I'm not exactly looking forward to the early start, but I've got to get used to it.

Oh, but this morning as I was walking out to my car I saw the most amazing cloud scape. My overlook of the city from here is absolutely great, and the sun shown through the clouds creating beams that touched down in a fan-like pattern all across the city below. As much of a hurry as I was in, I had to stop for a moment and just take it all in. It's a good reminder to me of who God is.

Peace and love.

Any Ideas?

One foot in front of the other. I have to remember that day by day as life gets more and more complicated. And there are certain things that still bother me, things that shouldn't. But that's just me. I'm the guy that just can't find it in him to let something go. Even when I want to I can't. I'm constantly bothered by some deep thought or by the weight of things that tripped me up yesterday or years ago. I'm not trying to claim an intellectual depth. That would be far from the truth. I just sometimes get curious to see the world through the eyes of someone who doesn't see the things that I see, someone who sees a rainy day as a cleansing and rejuvenating day instead of a grey, sunless, dreary day. I dated a girl like that once, and I never understood how she did it. At first I thought it was naivety but then I came to be envious of it. But I'm not ashamed of who I am. I just haven't quite figured out my entire purpose yet. I know my basic nature and my strengths and weaknesses, but purpose... heh... what senior in college knows his or her purpose? I guess there are some, but not many.

Tonight I sleep early again. I'm up at 5:30 for work and I haven't managed that in a LONG time, so we'll see what happens throughout the day. I did manage to scavenge up a couple Red Bull to open my eyes in the morning, but my brain is another story. When I get there I'm going to hold a positive mentality. I WILL enjoy this job. I'd better enjoy it. I'm going to be spending most of my time there.

Peace and love.

Still Not Settled

It was a more relaxed day today than I had planned for. I didn't have check-out duty this morning and work only took half an hour at the valet. They needed to schedule with me and that was about it.

So what did I do? I spent most of the day with Cameron and Aaron watching movies, going to dinner, and going to the store. Now I'm back and it's only 9:30, but I'm trying something new. I'm trying to readjust my sleeping habits to permit me to wake up at 5:45 so that I can make it to work by 7. It's going to be rough. I never was a morning person, and I don't have money yet for a coffee maker.

I'm going to be taking up reading as a pass time. It'll help keep me balanced and focused. Other than that... I'm pretty bored right now. I'm going to watch another movie and then go to bed. Peace and love.

Hard Work Gets Harder

I didn't rest much today. I suspect it shall be a while before I really can. I'm in the midst of so much transition right now with my two new jobs and the whole schedule changing. I'm also under a good bit of physical pressure which is always fine by me. But through all of this my head is surprisingly clear... most of the time.

I got a haircut today. I've really come to enjoy getting my hair cut because it's an excuse to just sit back and give someone else control for a while. I'm not even worried about how they cut it. It's hair, it'll grow back if it's crappy.

I had to be back for duty tonight though. That was tough. This is a much larger area to cover as an RA on duty, and it seemed like everybody needed to be checked in or out during my shift. My feet and legs hurt from climbing so many stairs for so many days, but I'm not going to complain. It's good for me.

Tomorrow will be a long day. I've got check-in in the morning until 2:30 and then I have training from 3 until 11 pm. I'll be doing that for three days straight, so I'm going to be a bit tired for a while... but I think I already mentioned that.

Who knows... Before this is all over... I might switch from tea to coffee.

Peace and love.

All Moved In

The summer has officially started. I'm finally all moved in to my new apartment. It was pure exhaustion. Let's see... 25 hours total of moving boxes and straightening up. Good times. It makes sitting back with the final product that much more satisfying. I'm hurtin though.

I start work tomorrow morning, uh err, RA work that is, not valet. That comes on Tuesday I believe. Still have to figure out how I'm going to do both. Well... I suppose I could show you around the new place... Atleast the room part of it. Let me try and post some new pics.






There we go. The first pic is my closet n stuff... A pretty big closet if you ask me (but you probably didn't). The next pic is of the same closet, but this time the door is closed so you can see my bed n stuff... A bigger bed than I'm used to. The next is of my entrance, and the next is of my tv corner. I couldn't show you out the window. I wish I could because the city view is amazing. Belmont is on the highest point in Nashville and my apartment is on the hillside (hence the name Hillside). I got a great window.

Sorry my hair was wet for the picture (but not that sorry). I just took a shower and I feel great. Time for some leftover Chineese food. Peace and love.

Pembroke, Farewell

This is the very last of it. For three years I have lived under this roof experiencing new life as a freshman, enduring new hardships as a sophomore and RA, and slowly burning out as a junior and RA. Walking the halls when nobody else is here brings back great memories but at the same time, sad. We didn't realize what we had when we had it. It was great, but these walls also speak of change. Year by year new faces come and old faces leave. Next year no one here will know who I am. I will be a stranger when I walk through the doors, trespassing on their turf. And each year gets faster. When I was younger I used to immagine what life today would be like, and now that it's here, it's gone just as fast.

My last night in Pembroke. My last journal from this desk in this room in Pembroke. So much was said here. I feel like I'm graduating.

The move has been rough though, a good deal harder than what I initially though. I woke up this morning at nine, and 16 hours later, I'm not quite done yet. It's been steady work, taking order to chaos and back to order again. It's like I'm moving in and out at the same time. First off I took my decorations over to the apartment and set them up. This way I could get a good idea as to where I wanted what. Then I moved stuff I knew I couldn't fit in the apartment over to the house. I took my car there with some lamps and such and then came back with Stuffy's 4-runner and moved my fridge, my futon and matress, my tree, and my night stand over to the house.

It was here where I caught myself. I've always been a small guy. I've always been told that I was too small or too young to do certain things. Well, in response to that I started working harder and taking on tasks much larger than myself to say that just because I'm small in size doesn't mean that I can't equal what other people can do. I was moving huge stuff by myself. When I got the fridge all the way down to the car from the third floor, I cut my hand open on it. That's when I realized how rediculous I was. What am I trying to prove now? I'm not that small anymore.

Well anyways, I got that over to the house and then started moving more and more stuff to the apartment. I didn't realize how much crap I actually own. My room is still pretty covered and I don't know what all to do with this stuff. I also had to go to Walmart to pick up some essentials. Those essentials ended up being way more expensive than I had planned. I'm getting nervous about my money again. Oh well, I'm about to start my new job.

Okay... here it is... The last time I shall go to bed in Pembroke Hall. The last time I shall close my journal in Pembroke Hall... The last time I shall, in Pembroke Hall, say "Peace and love".

Squared Away?

Almost... I haven't really started packing yet. It feels sad to take stuff off of my walls and put them in boxes, even if I am just moving it from one side of the campus to the other. The apartment I'm moving into is a nice four-man apartment, only the two other guys living there don't want me to move in. (sarcastically) I wonder why? I thought anyone would LOVE to have an RA move in with them for the summer. I guess I'll never understand.

It's not quite the way I would have wished my summer to start, but challenges are entertainments of sorts I suppose. My other source of entertainment shall be my new job training today... four hours of it. I hope they have snacks or I might die.

Last night proved more difficult than I thought. It was our award ceremony for being RA's all year. It was my last. I always feel weird at those things. I feel like maybe I could have worked harder or done things differently. I got my blanket for resignation and I tried to not get emotional about it, but I'm pretty sure it showed through. I've got a bright future ahead of me though. I won't be slowed down.

So... I feel ready. I'm not quite sure what's going to happen this next year, and I don't really feel like making any predictions. I hope to grow and to become a bit wiser. I hope to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I hope to graduate. I won't be worried though. To expect this ride to be smooth would be naive. It will get bumpy and uncomfortable but I'm strong enough to stand up. I'm excited to stand at the top of the mountain and look back at all the places I tripped and fell and all the places I succeeded. I guess after that I'll just have to find a new mountain. Peace and love.

Summer Mode

I've got a chest cough. I hate these things. You can hack and hack and hack, but you can never satisfy the tickling sensation in your throat. Deep breaths only make it worse... Gross.

Class is over. That's the big news. I'm done for the semester and I couldn't be more happy. There are still a few details here and there that I have to get squared away, but I feel good about it. Residents are moving out. I'm burdoned with less responsibility. I can finally come out of my shell for the next three months. Staying here in Nashville will be different, but I look forward to the new experiences. I look forward to being able to make new decisions.

I'm getting started tomorrow. Peace and love.

The Last Week

Tonight Matt and I decided to pull our powers together and cook a HUGE meal. It's called Breakfast for Dinner, and it's pretty much the ultimate man meal. We had waffles, sausage, eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, and sweat tea. Not only did we cook all that food, but we cooked enough for four people, only there were just two of us. I still smell like bacon grease. So on my full stomach I finished my philosophy paper and now I just need to work hard on getting a few final details squared away, study for two more tests, and then I'm home free. I'm excited about this next week. It's always a good time to unwind once all of the residents have moved out for the summer. Things change pretty quickly, but in a lot of ways for the better.

I've heard good rumors that Eric has become slightly responsive in the hospital. He's not quite out of the woods yet as he is still in critical condition, but thank you all for your prayers, I know their family appreciates it.

Well... I'm gunna head off to bed now. I'm almost better from being sick, but not quite. I was so bad this morning that I almost went and bought some meds... hehe, but not sick enough. Here's to you. Peace and love.

I Might Be Confused

So far this week has proved high and low. I haven't really had any in between feelings. I've been excessively angry and exceedingly happy, joyous and sorrowful, well and sick. I don't know what's going on really, other than the year is making is grousome last stand.

My anger came from experiencing the detestible. I met someone who I initially thought was a pleasant person and who I even considered opening up to only to find out that she was using me. She was proud, deceitful, arrogant, controlling, boastful, and seemingly had no decency for anything of seriousness or depth. I was angry that I even tried to spend time with her, but then I couldn't be angry at her anymore. I thought to myself "Is this how some people see me?" I figured that she and I actually had a lot in common, only she wears hers on the outside while mine is well hidden on the inside. So now I deliberate, who is better? Neither of us. We have bright futures outside of love, but within love we share a common fate. Unless we change we will never find true love. We will always feel a bitter distrust towards the other sex. We will always look too deep into a situation and try to control it so as not to get hurt. We will continue to lie to ourselves and make believe that we are wiser than we really are. The difference between she and I isn't our irreverance or distrust, but merely our self control. That's what made me angry.

My happiness came from Brittany who sent me a care package. I was starving, as good as dead, but she had pity on me and sent me something to eat for the next good while. It's nice to know that people think of you and take care of you even when you don't ask for their help. I don't get that too often though because I think I put off this front that I don't really want anyone's help, that I'm happy struggling by myself. Sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes I'm just to proud to ask.

My joy came from mornings this past week. I've woken up in a good mood just about every day. It's been harder, even in the midst of such business and hard work, for me to be shaken. I have been able to see beauty more clearly.

My sorrow came from the news I received last night. My friend Eric from back home overdosed on Tylonol last night and is in critical condition. He's got a 50/50% chance of survival and I just don't know how to feel. Part of me feels guilty in that I didn't try hard enough to reach out to him. I mean I knew times were rough for him, but I didn't know they were that bad. The other part of me is sort of upset. Doesn't he know how many people love him? And then I go right back to myself. Did I express my love loudly enough? At this point, all I can do is pray for him and his family and wait by my phone hoping for the best. I would ask of you to keep he and his family in your prayers as well.

Tomorrow is going to be a rough day, the next few days for that matter. I've got to finish of the year with a paper and two more exams on Tuesday on top of checking out residents. After that I have to get my summer situated with my new RA position and my new job. I'll try to keep the best attitude I can about it. Other than that, I'm going to go to bed early. Despite all of my exercise this week I have managed to pick up a bit of a sickness. I need it to go away. I don't have time for stuff like this. Hope you all are doing well. Peace and love.

A Horrible Time to Loose Sleep

One would think that with all of the activities I have been partaking of for a past few days I would be tired enough to sleep. This morning I woke up early and got the day started. I rode bikes with Matt for 5 miles, then I played frisbee, then I walked another 3 miles. My body is soar and achy, but I can't sleep. My head is so busy right now. Thought after thought of matters that don't even hold that great of significance keep jumping in and out of my skull. I was lying there on my bed remembering stuff from 7 or 8 years ago! I haven't even had any caffeen. Maybe it's the wings I had for dinner. Maybe it's the exam I have tomorrow morning at 8am. Maybe it's a number of things. Peace and Love.

Done?

I can't believe it. I can't believe I've finished another year in this building. It's my last though. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. But tonight was great. The formal was a blast and I danced like crazy. Everyone had a good time. My legs and feet hurt now though... small price to pay. Tomorrow I start check-out duty. It'll all be behind me soon. Summer's challenges are right around the corner. Peace and Love.

Thank You for your Comment. It Means a Great Deal

Bad Turned Good

I was a bit worried this morning when I woke up that I was going to have a rough day. I did, after all, have a rough night last night. My conscience was correct in slapping me up side the head. I just have this really horrid tendancy to be too sneaky. It's not that I enjoy hurting other people, but I get so involved in the game that it becomes all I focus on. I'm a moron. So that's what was on my mind last night. I don't think I slept too well, but if that is the least of my punishments then I am greatful. But when I woke this morning I read the weather. It was supposed to be rainy and cold... again. I hate that. So I got dressed and drug my feet all the way to seminar. I didn't pay much attention because... well... I'm not too sure why. The guy was interesting for the few snippets that I did focus, but I just wasn't in the mood. After that, I went to get my vaceen check-up at Vanderbilt. I had to give quite a bit of blood, but I get free juice, so it's awsome. Then I went to McDonalds for lunch. Haven't been there in a while, but I needed something besids ramen to tide me over. Good ol fish filet sandwich. When I got back to campus, I couldn't think of a thing that I had to do before tonight, so I just packed up all of my things and went over to the house to record. I've been meaning to record some stuff to send home to my church, but as of late I've been either too selfish or too busy. It turned out to be just what I needed though. Sitting here in my underwear playing all sorts of instruments. It's hot in here, but I got one song done. One song in four hours... that's alot... and it's not even completely done yet, but whatever. I'm just glad to finally have some time to do it. Well... tomorrow is the last day of classes and then the formal. I'm excited to go and excited to be done. Exams are not my stress right now at all. I'm more concerned about my future. I have so many options but they don't all have what I want. I could either go for money, satisfaction, togetherness, or lonliness, but I can't have it all. It's rough to make these sort of decisions. Well... everybody... Peace and Love.

The Two Roads That Seperate With Progress

I have a choice... To live a normal life with a decent house, a wife, kids, a sturdy job, and benefits? Or... to live out a life where from one moment to the next there is no comfort and no certainty, no sturdy roof over my head and a goal that seems almost impossible to reach?

I'm fairly close to making my decision.

Pretty Bored

It's a Saturday night and I'm on duty. Not only that, but I initially forgot about it. I had my night all planned out and it was going to be pretty fun... but then I got the fatefull call... "Where are you?" I hate it when I forget about duty. So I came back to campus and buckled down for the long haul. Pembroke closed an hour early today because somebody thought it would be funny to turn a trashcan in the hallway up-side down. Hugo saw it and simply cancled visitation. That's cool. A little extra work for me, but whatever. I've made it to 1 o'clock though... so yay me. I haven't been this bored in a LONG time, but I survived!

Today was a great lazy day. The sky was cloudy, it was about 72 degrees, and windy. I slept in as late as I felt like and then went to the house to get my lunch. After lunch, Viking and I rode bikes for about 12 miles. We went to Centennial Park and rode around a few times and then rode to Belmont and then back to the house. It brought to my senses a freedom that I haven't experienced in a while. Sure it was hard work, but the wind in my hair well made up for it. Sometims all I think I need for life is a small cottage on the coast, a bike, a guitar, and a paper and pen... oh, and maybe some food and water! When I got back to the house I sat on the porch for a while in the rocking chair and listened to peaceful music while I watched the wind blow through the trees and the rain slowly fall. Over all, a very satisfying day. Oh yeah! I also got a date for the formal on tuesday. Pretty pumped about that I must say.

So right now I'm watching TV. There's a commercial on selling a product called Urine-Gone. Wow... thanks. I think I have a new favorite TV show though. It's called Banzai and it come on G4. It's a ridiculous Japanese show that makes stupid bets on crazy events and sees what happens. For one of the bets, they were taking wadgers on how many balloons it would take to fly a chicken. With 90 balloons the chicken took off and they didn't even try to stop it. They watched proudly as it rose into the sky. I'm in that kind of mood right now. I've been laughing histarically for a good while. It feels good.

Well... nothin else to say, so Peace and Love.

All of it Shining Through

God answers prayer. I think I'm officially hired as an employee of Towne Park valet service for the summer. I'm glad because a lot of my friends are going to be working there, so it should be a good experience. But I'm still trying to sort though my mind these days, getting all the clutter out and filling it back up with clarity of some kind. It's rough though. I'm still having a hard time talking straight. Even driving has been an extra difficult task as of late. My future keeps bothering me, and I wish I could just let it go. I don't want to waste my life by worrying about tomorrow all of the time. I want to be greatful for the time I have now.

I ran sound tonight for two pretty good bands tonight. I can't remember the second act's name, but he played acoustic guitar and wrote great lyrics. It motivated me for a moment or two to become the kind of lyricist he was. I want to write that kind of inspiring music. I mean it's really hard for me to go to a show and actually enjoy it, especially if the music is cliche Christian, but he was that rare jewel. I enjoyed his music and the lyrics and they didn't seem cliche at all. It reached into my soul sort of the way music used to before I moved to Nashville. That's one of the reasons I want to leave when I graduate. My love of music has been tied to a chair and beaten to lifelessness for the past three years. I want to play for people who can take joy in what my heart produces. I want to sing to people who can get lost in it. That's hard to find in a city of competing musicians. I don't even sit in the solitude of my room and play for myself anymore. I've lost all motivation. But whenever I leave I'm filled with it again. I get all of these great ideas and new lyrics sloshing over the brim of my brain. It's hard to contain.

Tonight was the last floor meeting that I will lead in Pembroke. Soon all of the residents will be moving out and then me, but this time for good. It will be hard. I'll see my home of three years every day until I graduate, but it won't be the same. The people who will live here won't know who I am or care. It will move on without me, but that's a part of life, I suppose, that we all must adjust to. Uncertainty comes next. I should have fun with it like I did when I was a kid. I loved uncertainty. But somewhere along the way I found it convenient to be stressed over uncertainty. It's not convenient, it's stupid. The root of it must be malcontent. I don't want to be a malcontent. Peace and love.

Words

Words... I go through these bizarre phases where I'm just awkward at communication. My mind gets cluttered and I have so much to say, but I just get all jumbled up when I try to say it.

Right now I'm enduring a lot of pressure from reality. It's getting later in the year and I'll be here all summer. I've got my housing squared away, but I still haven't got my hands around another job for income. I've got lots of money I need to make this summer. And wow, I just realized that this is the last summer I'll ever have as a student. After this, I'll be a professional with year-round responsibility to my career.

My career. What career? "What do I want to do when I graduate?" I'm pretty sure that every college student is faced with that question at this point in their education. I just don't know yet. Right now all I'm concerned about is some decent and steady income that I can use to pay off my student loans. I don't even care if it's in my field of study. Speaking of my field of study, I'm afraid I'll have to come to an ultimatum. I don't know if I can make a good living at what I do unless I sell my dreams and other aspirations to do it. That would include any possibility of a family in the future. I don't want that. Work for me has never been the ends to my means. For many people, that's all fine and good. They are in love enough with what they do for it to pacify and satisfy them for the rest of their lives. For me, work is a means to achieve other ends. In Africa, Godwin met with me separately and said something that still sticks in my head. He said that you must be right with three things in life to be truly happy. First you must be right with God above all others. Second, you must be right with your wife. Third, you must be right with your work. If you fail at any one of these things, the other two will begin to slip. I want work that I can do and do well, but I can't allow it to command more of me than the other two. So where do I find a job like that in my field of study. The more and more I study it, the less and less of an idea I have. It seems almost impossible.

Am I worried about exams right now? Not really. My future is more of a concern to me now than any of that. I know that it will all work out, but how much effort will I have to put into it and how much will God provide? I don't want to miss any opportunities because of pride, laziness, or distraction. That kind of sharp focus is the pressure I feel, which leads me back to why I can't speak intelligently right now. Peace and love.

Diet Change

I'm running out of campus money for food and I don't have much money coming in from work anymore as the end of the year is upon us, so in the transition period between now and when I find a job, I am altering my diet. I was so intrigued by how the complete sushi meal made me feel over spring break that I'm moving in that direction. Though I can't make sushi for myself (yet) I'm going to work on fixing rice and ginger salads, ramen (of course) and then I might get around to fixing up some sushi if I have the time. It'll be fun. Right now for instance, I just finished the rigorous process of making sticky rice. It's not perfect but it's pretty dang close to restaurant style. I'll be writing down my mistakes at some point. I'm also going to try to learn how to make okonomayaki from Matt's brother-in-law. That was some good eats right there too. Well... I'm out for the night. Peace and love.

Salem, Virginia

Went to Virginia for break with Matt being that it was his 21st birthday this weekend. We stayed with his sister and brother-in-law, having good times and doing lots of Japanese things. I really needed something like that. It was refreshing not only to see a different landscape for a while, but also to see a healthy relationship between newlyweds for an extended period of time. Exposure to such people has brought me closer and closer to relinquishing my fears of marriage.

The drive was nice too. It's good to be with a friend who you can be closed up with for long durations of time and not have to say anything to in order to maintain a relaxed atmosphere. Matt is a good friend for both his conversation and his silence. I think we are like-minded in that characteristic. Anyways, I would like to say that I sat and pondered several deep theological ideas with all that free time, but truth be told, I really didn't think about anything for a long long time. It was good for me. It was a means to clear my head. The sun was shining, the flowers along the road were blooming, and all seemed peaceful.

I've had my share of dreams for the past few days though. Some of them weird, some showing events in the future that probably won't happen (thank God), and some of them displaying deep wounds from the past that seemed to work their way into my subconscious. I have so many vivid dreams. I remember so many of them too. I like that though. It's easy to convince yourself of who you are contrary to what you really know, but dreams often have a way of forcign you into being truthful with yourself. There are some things that I haven't finished dealing with no matter what I tell myself.

Well, I don't know what else to say. I have a lot to get organized before I go off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a pretty busy day too. Peace and love.

Pain... The Good Kind

Let's get this out of the way. I hurt pretty bad right now, but it's all good. I played a lot of frisbee yesterday and did some tumbling in the park. It turned out to be a gorgeous day. I did land on my head once though while doing an insane frisbee catch. It jared me pretty good so my neck is soar. My legs also hurt and I have some gashes in my shins. On top of that, I just played a game of ultimate with an actual league from Vanderbilt with Viking and Matt. It was good fun and I didn't realize how good I actually was. I'm going to pay for it in the morning though. That's for sure. Oh, and by the way, we won. I had one score and one assist.

Saturday was when my family came to visit. It was alot of fun and, though the time was short, we all had a pretty good time, even though the showcase was postponed. I gave the city tour and then we went to Elliston's Soda Shop for lunch. After that, we went on more tour and then back to the house. Matt and Stuffy had the great idea of playing some music out on the porch. Matt grabbed lots of drum toys, Stuffy had the guitar, I grabbed the mandolin, and Viking played his djimbe. It was good fun. Even the neighbors came out to listen. My mom and sister cooked everybody a huge fried chicken dinner. We're still eating the leftovers from that. I even got a cake for my birthday. Sunday we all went to my church. Everyone really liked it which was encouraging to me. We then went to the traditional Sir Pizza for lunch and then my folks left. Again, it was really good to see everybody. That was the first time my entire family has been to Nashville.

The best news I've had all day is that I think I'm going to end up graduating in a four year plan like I'm supposed to. I find out for sure tomorrow if I even have to take summer courses. Let's keep our fingers crossed on that one.

So yeah, I feel pretty good this week. It's only a three day week too, so that'll be great. Oh yeah, and sorry my writing was so juvenile tonight. I think the hit to my head yesterday has me really mixed up and uncreative. I hope you all are doing well. Peace and love.

Again... already?

Well... here it is again. A birthday. I guess I'm hitting that period now where I don't really like my birthday anymore. It just reminds me of how old I am getting and how much there is that I haven't had time to accomplish yet. I don't really have anything age wise to look forward to except for maybe car insurance reduction. Reflections get harder too. There are more mistakes in my past each year that make it hard to see the good things. I can't really help but reflect about life these days.

I guess the only thing I want this year is for some sort of door to open up. I don't really care what kind of door... unless of course it's the bathroom door or any other generic door that I use on a daily basis... but I guess there could be something cool waiting behind any of those doors at any given point... except for the bathroom door... I don't even really care if I find love. Seems like lots of guys are sulking these days because they don't have anyone to hold or talk to, but I just don't care anymore. I gave it a whirl a few weeks ago against my own will just to see if I could get motivated, but all it did was remind me of just why I don't do that sort of thing. I'm content being single. I just don't think that there's anything a relationship could do for me at this point. In fact, I'll make a safe resolution which goes against my previous nature. By this time next year I will feel the same.

But a door. Maybe motivation would be nice. Maybe a goal would be nice. I was thinking today and I really just don't have any of those things. I wake up each morning with one thing in mind. I have to make it to the end of the day without forgetting anything too important.

Man, I'm hungry. I'm out. Peace and love.

Clean

My session that I was supposed to attend today was cancled, and I didn't find out until 8 o'clock this morning when I was already up and dressed to go. I would have enjoyed the experience, but it was sort of a blessing to have the day off. Last night I wrote a lot about the decisions I'm having to make all within the next two weeks, but I ended up deleting. Having the day off really gave me the opportunity to get those decisions squared away... atleast most of them.

At about two o'clock, I headed over to the house to give it a major overhaul. That place was filthy, so I tucked in my shirt, cracked my knuckles, and gave it a good spit-shinin. It took me most of the day and still doesn't look fabulous, but it definitaly looks better than before. It was satisfying work. I like doing something where you can stand back and immediately see the results.

So now I'm tired and my back hurts. My back has been hurting alot lately. The nurse told me to take some aleive or something, but I don't like medicine. I'm too lazy. I know it's weird but I won't take medicine unless I am suffering way more than I can stand.

Oh, I can't wait to see what they are going to do with parking over the next few days. Half of campus is blocked off for an event that is five days away (or something close to that). As if parking wasn't bad enough already. I'm tempted to not drive for a while, but I know that's not possible.

Ahhh... that's it. It's that time of year for me to upgrade my screen name... I wonder if anyone can guess what it is?

Well, that's it for tonight. I'm gettin some sleep a little earlier. Peace and love.

The Front Porch and the Storm

What a day today has been. Do you ever have one of those days where you are rudely awakened by all of the responsibilities you have been putting off and putting off?... That day was today for me. Tshhh... What am I talking about? I can be so shallow sometimes. What I really want to talk about is what I felt today. What did I observe? Talking about responsibility is a given. I shouldn't have to write about it because everybody can probably rest assured that the average college student is very busy.

Church was good this morning. You know what I hate about Sunday though? I hate that it's the only day where I really get down and focus completely on God. Sunday shouldn't be the only spiritually refreshing day of the week for me. But here I am before you, a man easily distracted by meaningless crap. I talked with my mentor after church though and we're probably going to meet sometime this week. That'll be nice. I need someone to challenge me head on. I've been thinking a lot about challenge lately. I don't have too much meaningful challenge here. It's mostly task oriented and by doing it I might become a skilled coordinator or businessman, but that's not really what is important to me. I've always been curious as to what my full potential is. I mean what is my absolute maximum potential? I already know that I am capable of so much, but I am nowhere near what I could be. I know that for sure. Each day is an opportunity to learn more and develop more, but if I am not careful and use the wisdom that God has given me, I believe that it can be very easy to regress and get comfortable in being simple and mediocre. I need a challenge to keep my head above water.

Speaking of water, this evening was quite relaxing. I spent most of it sitting on the front porch at the house with Viking and Matt just watching the rain fall and the lightning peal through the sky. Some of it got pretty close, but I was too relaxed to even jump in my seat. It was a nice warm rain, something that has always been pleasing to me because it makes its own music unlike that of winter rain. Winter rain tends to trickle and pierce through your skin into your soul. Warm rain pacifies me. I think it's because when I was younger I used to watch it rain really hard from the old screen door in the kitchen. There was a tall oak tree a very short distance away that used to sway violently in the wind and its leaves made a shush sound when it rained or stormed. I used to call it "the barkley tree" because it looked like broccoli, only I couldn't say broccoli at that age. Anyways, I liked it then and I like it now.

New news next door to the house. Some girls our age moved in, and though I haven't talked to them yet, they seem nice. So that's that.

Finally I'm sorta lost as to how I should feel right now. It has been exactly a year since I was out on the soccer field praying that God would spare the life of my friend Phillip Schrum. He was hit by a car while jogging at home on his spring break. I was in a recording session when I found out down in studio A. I remember how helpless I felt. I remember being out there on the soccer field and when I came back in Colleen called me to go over and calm down Ivy Lee. She knew Phillip from high school. She had heard that Phillip was dead and was frantic, but I had a different source that said he wasn't, so I assured her that he was doing better and that she should go back to sleep and that I would call her if anything happened. When I got back to my room I called my parents and they said everything was stable so I went to sleep and as soon as I closed my eyes my phone rang again. It was what I thought. I didn't cry though. I just got really angry and punched a door and then went into the quad and dry-heaved in the grass. Chubbs was there. I tried to go back to my room and sleep after that, but I couldn't, so I packed up my things, jumped into my car, and drove home. It was seven hours and I decided to stop off and pick up Andy in Ashville because that's on the way and all. Both our dads came and met us there and drove us the rest of the way, but I still didn't cry. When I got home I slept for around 18 hours and when I woke up I just didn't feel like it was all real. We went to church to prepare the music for the memorial service and I still didn't feel like it was real. I remember trying to cry, but I couldn't. The next day was the funeral and the service. Before the funeral, we went to the house and I went to his room and sat on his bed and just thought for a while. At the funeral is when I cried, and I cried, I really let go. I hadn't cried for four years before that. I had a lot to let go of. There's nothing in this world like standing in front of a casket with one of your close friends in it. I cried at the service too, before the music started. When we had to play, I played and I was pretty dry until the last song. It was like God had given me the strength to get through it, but then He took it at the last moment as if to say that it was His and not mine. I broke down behind stage.

So it has been a year since then. I don't know how I feel right now. I feel like I should be mourning, but I don't remember how. I haven't cied since. There hasn't seemed to be anything worth crying about since then. I can't say too much though. I'm not much of a crier. Well, I'm going to pack up my stuff and head back to my room. I'm done working now, but I think I'll get started on my project for Tuesday. Peace and love.

Hard to do the Right Thing

The show tonight was amazing and I felt really good about the band's performance. After that I went to the house and did a little bit of fire breathing. I remember now why it is that I don't do that anymore. It used to be exciting, but now it's just harmful. But right now I've crawled into one of those deep trains of thought. The subject at the moment is "doing the right thing" and how hard it is sometimes. I think that sometimes I get lazy or impatient and it brings me to desire the "easy way out", which often causes someone else to suffer. It is not my place to make another person suffer, even if it seems justifiable in my eyes. More often than not my eyes don't see too well anyways. So I did what I had to do tonight, even though I possibly could have used the opportunity and manipulated it and pulled some fleeting opportunity out of it. I'm waiting now for the peace to set in.

And so I guess I could just sit here and think about all of the things that I have to do before Monday. Worry worry worry. I'm tired of worrying. I miss not worrying about anything. God has this funny way of taking care of things on their own. Sure, you should work hard to accomplish your goals, but worrying about their fruition is not going to increase the chance of success. I need a massage. My back hurts from all my worries. It's getting worse and worse these days. I find myself having sharp pain when I bend down. I'm only 22. That's not old enough to be feeling "old pains" yet.

Sometimes I just long to slow down and breath. I realize that I work so hard to get through a day, and when it is all said and done with, I can only look back and wish that I hadn't been so careless with the time. I've had it good, but I was in such a hurry that I didn't realize it until much later.

I look forward to sleep tonight. I've been having a series of good dreams lately. They're the really interesting and vivid kind. Two nights ago, in a dream, I watched a tornado slowly form in the sky while standing on a pier on a harbor over rough waters. Sometimes I wonder what it all means, if anything. But most of the time I just sit back and enjoy them. Hope you are blessed with good dreams tonight. Me? I'm going to shut up and hit the pillows. Peace and love.

Sunny Day Extrovert

I've figured it out. I know what the problem is. The factor that defines whether or not I feel introverted or extroverted is the sunlight and warm weather. I don't think I could possibly be reclusive on a day like today. It was so amazing outside! I've been playing frisbee like a dog though, and it's starting to ware down on my body. No matter. I love throwing frisbee.

Matt and I also did a lot of mixing both some of our sessions and a project I'm working on for Clayton. I'm learning a lot and I really have enjoyed the final products. Also in the musical side of announcements, our show is coming up on Saturday night at 7 o'clock. You should be there if you can. If you can't, it will be video taped so no worries, but we'd love to have your energy present at the actual show. We expect to have a pretty decent showing. Lot's of people want to come and support us which makes me happy. It's really great to see something you've put so much time and effort into finally come to fruition.

Oh, here we go. I'm wrestling with a new idea. I'm sorta feeling like I need to learn how to dance... as much as I hate dancing. I think that I would have it in me to appreciate it more if I could actually do it, plus, I feel like I have a lot of potential. Potential or not, though, it's all about whether or not I have time. Time is key. But to me, it's crazy how much girls like dancing. I was on rounds tonight and I wound up in the middle of a dance party and all of these girls kept trying to pressure me to dance, but I just didn't feel like it. I cut loose, but I don't cut loose in a setting like that. My "cutting loose" is more objective. I like flippin out with my close friends doing something that has an objective rather than flippin out with strangers with no objective at all. Sure, granted there were a few people there that I knew, but I just didn't want to do it. Again, I probably would have if I actually knew how. See, a woman who doesn't know how to dance can just look good standing there and swaying to the music... A guy that does the same thing just ends up looking stupid and awkward. In fact... now that I think about it... The only reason I would ever watch MTV or VH1 is because sometimes they have those scenes in the club where there's this guy who thinks he's hot stuff just bein a complete log in between two girls who are actually dancing. That's all I think those channels are good for. Otherwise I just can't wrap my mind around television that could be more shallow and more mindless than what comes on those stations. I think that every negative connotation that is attached to the American culture is very accurately and very seriously displayed on those channels.

Now that I have spoken my peace about what used to be Music television. I shall drift off to bed. Peace and love.

It All Added Up to This

Who would have thought that when my parents first layed eyes on eachother it would turn into this. Here I am, 21, almost 22 years old. I have my own problems and my own successes. When I was a child I couldn't have immagined seeing this far down the road, yet here I am. But yet there is a level of dissatisfaction floating around in my head. I am dissappointed because I have already experienced so much at a young age. I've been around the world. I've lived in luxury and in poverty. I've driven all sorts of different cars. I've slept in mansions and in mud huts. I've had really hot girlfriends. I've done risky and extreme things like skiing, rock climbing, hunting, and camping by myself. I've been to four oceans. I've been to weddings and funerals. I've eaten all sorts of exotic foods. I've played music for both people who did and didn't care. I've saved lives. I have an old girlfriend who is both married and a mother. I've witnessed some of the most perfect sunsets I could immagine and sunrises as well. I'm incredibly expreienced for my age which makes me wonder... What is the rest of my life going to amount to?

So what haven't I done that I still look forward to? I haven't experienced true love and its... benefits... I haven't experienced fatherhood. I haven't expreienced my own plot of land. I haven't experienced a created legacy. I haven't expreienced my own death.

Now I know there are some things that make life feel more enjoyable that unexpectedly leap out at you, but I just feel too content for my age. Nothing really surprises me anymore. There is nothing that I hear, see, taste, touch, smell, or sense in any other way that just blows me away. So I ask myself, "what's left?" I feel like I've had the majority of the best I could have in the very beginning like a sprinter in a crosscountry meet. All I get to do now is drag my body to the end of the race, heaven all the while looking more and more appealing. That sounds depressing, but I'm not depressed. I don't know, maybe something will even happen to change my perspective...

Haha... like right now maybe. I just opened up my Bible to the record keeping pages and realized that I could only fill in like two differnet lines in there... Pretty funny if you ask me. Peace and love.

To Feel

Church this morning wasn't quite as thought provoking as it usually is, but of course, it was a different speaker. I disagreed with several of his points. First off, I do not believe that the purpose of the Holy Spirit living in us is to point out all the times in a day when we screw up. A guide, as he called it, doesn't rest on that function as its main purpose. A guide will direct and teach. Sometimes we are guided through correction, but He's not sitting in a chair behind a chalk board marking tallies. Second, I am always wary about sermons that bring up the topic of Satan. So many people automatically assume that because both God and Satan do not keep a visible form that Satan must also be omnipresent. Sure, he has powers that shouldn't be scoffed at, but he's not powerful enough for omnipresence. That's giving him too much credit. Besides, James points out that our sins are usually a result of the nature within us. I bring that up because generally, by our nature, we are tempted to cast blame on others, even towards the Devil if there is a convincing enough case to show that the shoe fits. I've always felt that if the Devil were to directly tempt me, it would be a great honor because the only people we know of who have had a person-to-being confrontation with Satan were of amazing significance. There was Adam and Eve, Job, Joshua, and Jesus himself. This is all opinion, but it seems to make sense to me, and from my experience, you can't really confuse demonic presence with influence from human sin temptation.

I just don't believe that demonic experiences are very frequent here. Why? I like to view it from a military standpoint. You have to pick your targets decisively and concentrate where there is the most threat. Demonic presence isn't much of a problem in our culture because we are already too busy fighting our own vices. We glorify money, posessions, knowledge, and time. These are man-made idols we are able to glorify within the physical rhelm which leads us to feel secure. I believe that this is the reason why there are very few interferences. The movie "The Usual Suspects" puts it very well in saying that "The greatest trick the Devil ever played was to convince the world that he doesn't exist."

Earlier today I did get the opportunity to ride with Brady on his new motorcycle. It was a lot of fun, but it gave me a better perspective as to how dangerous they really are. I'm good at creating simulations in my mind of exactly how something could happen. Riding that fast with nothing between me and the road but balance and some thin cloths added up to "maybe this isn't a great idea." Still... it was fun. Death always adds fun to the factor (atleast in the mind of a young adult male).

Now I feel sorta sick. I mean I've been sick along with the majority of campus since last week, but for some reason it got worse today. I got a pretty bad stomach ache and a head ache. I just took my temperature... it's normal. Ah, but tomorrow I'm going to be so busy. Schedules fill up pretty fast these days. I've got alot on my mind right now, and I need to find a way to work that off. That being said, I think I'm going to try and get back into the gym. I generally feel good after I work out unless I work out too hard.

What's some of the stuff that's been on my mind? Well... I have realized just how awkward I am around women now-a-days. I'm pretty sure I've earned the title of "creepy". You'd think that's bad, but what is really bad is the fact that I don't really care. So what happened? I used to be great around girls in middle school and high school. I'll tell you what happened. Living in a male dorm for three years solid happened. I've been so immersed in "man life" that I have completely forgotten how to relate with women. You know those girly girls that are so extreme that they really just freak guys out and most girls. I am the male equivilant to that. I've become so much of a guy that I just freak girls out. They don't understand me anymore. This is unacceptable. So what is my solution? I'm going to (as painful as it may seem) immerse myself in women. I'm going to meet new women and get to know them and retrain myself to be sensative towards our differences. I am going to be... a gentleman again. I've got the guts, but I don't know if I've got the finesse. I have a feeling that this is going to take some serious time, dedication, and motivation.

I'll let you know how it all goes. Hope everybody out there gets to enjoy the weather this week. I hear it's going to be pretty nice. If you read this and go to Belmont, don't forget to come and see our show next Saturday at the Curb at 7 o'clock. We picked the band name Matt's Automan today (sorta kindly poking at Mike's Chair). The truth of it is, Matt doesn't actually have an automan. Oh, and finally, can someone tell me how to get a good night's sleep? No matter what I do and how much sleep I get, I wake up in the morning and I feel like crap. My joints are stiff, my eyes hurt, and my bones are soar. This morning before church I experienced an early morning peace (at 10am) that I would really like to be a part of on a regular basis. I generally just don't participate because the process of waking up is so painful. I don't like doing it unless I have a class that forces me out. The funny thing is that it has always been like this. I tend to blame my heartrate. Most people have a resting heart rate of 55-60 but mine sits around 38-42. I'm not a doctor though, so I really don't know. I'll tell you what though. I wake up feeling fully charged if I take sleeping pills before I go to sleep, but I don't do that hardly ever because that's bad for you. Whatever. All this talk about sleep has got me in the mood. Peace and love.

Me and My Friend Bed

My body hurts. My body hurts in a way that is hard to describe. It's a complication of sleeplessness, the inability to control my motor skills, and working on my car all day yesterday. I gotta say though, that the work on my car was a liberating experience even though it did almost kill me. I wish I could say that I'm done, but not quite. Everything is put back together (I think). Now I just have to put fluid back in, crank it up, and pray that there are no leaks. In the midst of my mechanical struggle yesterday I did find something to be thankful for. It is quite nice indeed to have such skinny arms. When you have to reach through the narrow spaces under the hood of a car, nothing helps quite like two toothpick arms like mine.

I just got done with my morning classes. I was thinking about working on my car more before my evening class, but then I decided that... no... sleep is what I need most. I've stopped participating in philosophy class as much. There is alot that I would like to say, but you come to a place where you realize that opening your mouth is not benefiting anyone so you might as well keep it closed. It is discouraging to let some of the things he says go unchallenged, but if someone really wants to know what I think, they will ask me. Audio class has been good though. If it weren't so early I would have to say that it has become my most engaging class. Op amps, compression, gating, expanding, keying, chaining, serial and parallel. All of these are concepts that I now better understand. He did remind us today, however, that though we are becoming scientists in our fields, not to forget the often times neglected creative aspects of it. It is easy to do, I admit. You start thinking so much of the sciences and mechanics of an action that you forget its beauty.

Well... I'm going to take that nap I've been longing for. After that I will throw in some laundry, work on my car, go to business management and then maybe go to the store (if I did indeed fix my car). Peace and love.

I Once Saw the Sun Shine in Nashville

Well, it seems that the good weather has left us for a while. It is cold and rainy again and my spirits have a really hard time staying high in the midst of cold rain. And speaking of cold, I have one. It is in my head and no matter what I say to it, it won't leave. I should probably feel flattered that it prefers my head over someone else's. Oh well. I ordered a new radiator for my car today. I have discovered that you can always find something better and cheaper on-line. The mechanic said I wouldn't be able to find anything within a $150 price range... He was wrong.

I probably say this alot in my journals, but I guess it just happens alot. I feel like things are coming into focus for me. That doesn't mean that everything is working out my way, it just means that I can see where I'm going. I feel pretty good about it. The strangest things put me back into perspective.

I could really use a good old-fasion camping trip, but that's not going to happen for a while. I need to think about finding a second job, prefferably something that can carry over to the summer. I could always consider lifeguarding again... One of my friends said he knew of a local pool that was looking to hire two head guards for the summer at decent wages. I don't know about that. I have too many horrible memories of lifeguarding. Maybe I want to try something new. Maybe valet parking would work well. Brian does it in Arizona and he seems to like it. You make decent money and you get to drive all sorts of neat cars. Plus, I can drive stick and I have a clean driving record so I bet I could get the job. Whatever, I'll think of something. UPS is always a posibility as well. I just want new experiences. I've decided that new experience is the root of all my best memories. That's probably the case for everybody, and maybe it's obvious for most, but for me, I just caught on. My eyes are getting heavier though. I suppose sickness makes me drag more than usual. I usually have to fight myself to sleep at this hour on most nights, but not tonight. I just want to sleep and dream and not have to wake up at 7:45, but unfortunately only two of those three will actually happen... maybe even one, who knows? Tomorrow I'll probably have something more valuable to write about, but until then, peace and love.

Here's What I Think

To answer my brother's question, when there is cymbal noise coming back in the feed from the pastor's lapel mic there is only one clear solution in my mind, though I could be wrong. I would immagine that you have several stage wedges (monitors) set up so that the performers can hear clearly on stage. I would first make sure that the pastor's vocals are not going through the monitor as too hot of a signal. He doesn't need much monitor feed because it is just his voice on stage and monitors are, again, generally set up so that the performer(s) can hear what he and/or everyone else on stage is doing clearly, though I suppose it is fun for speakers to hear their voices booming through amplification. Reguardless, make sure to turn down the levels on the monitor. Also, and what is probably the key problem, is how many monitors you are feeding the vocal through. There should be a monitor right next to the drum kit, if this is so, make sure that this monitor is not getting ANY feed through it from the vocal. The sound coming through that monitor will cause the cymbals and snare spring to resonate and it could get pretty messy depending on the volume and consistancy of the sound. Finally, if I remember correctly, and assuming that we are referring to CBC's set up, the drums are set off stage to the direct front. This COULD cause some sticky situations to arise from the mains (front of house speakers). If your drum wedge is not getting any feed from vocals, depending on the relationship of where the drums are set up to where the mains are aimed, you might still get the same resonating effect on the cymbals. If you still get problems when the drum monitor is muted, I would try repositioning the drums, possibly pushing them back a bit if that is possible. My guess would be, however, that you are getting most of your rattle from the high hat being that the two metal pieces are almost touching and with any slight air disturbance they might contact and cause a disturbance. Considering that, also make sure that the drum kit isn't sitting near an airconditioning vent, though if my memory serves me right, I don't think they are.

Long to short: turn speaker's voice feed through monitors down, turn drum monitor off, still a problem, reposition drums in relationship to mains. I will ask someone with a little bit more knowledge than I if that is close to a solution.

The Air Smelled Like Beauty

Wow, so I suppose alot has happened since I posted last. That's sorta strange being that I usually am sitting still in a stagnant pool of boredom. The week ever since spring break ended has been nuts though. So Monday night I went to a recording session at RCA B for eight hours. Let me tell you, I've never had so much fun in the studio before. We all got along and we ended up laying down two songs with enough time to slap down creative input. That was refreshing. Tuesday, however, was anything but refreshing. I woke up and went to my eight o'clock class with huge bags under my eyes. I was so tired when we got out at 9:15 that I skipped philosophy to sleep. When I woke up from that I had to run a community service program for the Christian Music Association and I didn't know where it was. As I was driving, and running late, my car's radiator decided that it wanted to get a crack in it and start rapidly draining fluid all over my engine. That started to smoke so I pulled over and got a new jug of anti-freez to top it off for a trip back to campus. Well, I don't know what I'm going to do now. I think I might just end up waiting for it to get warmer and I might get a bike or something. Ah, but anyways, I go to math class after that and I have a panic attack in class because I realize tha I have no idea what the teacher is talking about, so failing looked pretty inevitable. I've never failed before and I don't plan on it. I left there and went to business management and then to my recording engineer class. That was an interesting class because the producer from Six Pence and Newsboys came in and talked to us about his experiences, the only thing is that the class ran over fifteen minutes. I had a meeting at that exact same time, so I left and then ran over a mile to get back to campus. The fraternity meeting started and my day finally picked up. Everyone was in high spirits and ended up getting elected as president of the fraternity. It is a very exciting honor.

Yesterday went rather well. I got alot done I suppose. I've been playing alot of frisbee. Then late last night I had an epiphany. I was working a math problem, getting alot of nothing done. I realized that... I could drop the class and not fail. So today, that's what I did. I dropped the class and I feel great now. I've had so much energy, I even asked a girl out for coffee today that I didn't even know just because. I mean she didn't respond very well and I'm quite glad she didn't have any pepper spray, but hey, I love being awkward and unconventional me just as long as I'm not shot with a stun gun for it.

Now it is tonight and Belmont lost the first round of the NCAA tournament. I had a dream last night that they were going to. I'm not saying it was prophetic by any means. UCLA had huge odds. I'm just glad that they got to go I guess.

Oh, and I just got off the front porch. I was smoking my pipe and listening to my "beauty" playlist. I love just being able to sit back and admire beauty and talk to God. The air was so crisp and the sky was clear. Everything was as it should be. Hope it is the same for you. Peace and love.

Are You Back Yet?

I got back from Arizona last night. I enjoyed spring break in its entirity, though I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for it to be over. I would have liked more time to recharge. Oh, and just in case you are ever tempted, the Shoney's seafood buffet is a bad choice...

Rockin it out in AZ

I'm in Arizona right now with Brian and Brandt. We've been cruzing around doing all sorts of stuff for the past two days. It's absolutely beautiful here. It's desert and cactus all around with the occasional bald mountain. Yesterday we hiked up Camel Back Mountain. Let me tell you, the Appalachain hiking trails have nothing on these mountains. That's not to say that these mountains are any taller, because they definitaly are more considerable as tall hills than mountains, but there are no restrictions on the type of trail you climb. We were climbing rock face with cliff on the other side. If you slip up, you die. That was alot of fun, especially wearing shoes with no tred. I was slippin and slidding all around, but I was never in any real danger (hehe). The weather is beautiful. It has been an unhumid consistant 70 degrees since I got here. Brian drives a Cadillac and we go with the windows down. It sorta makes me want a Cadillac to be honest. I forgot how roomy and smooth they are. I'm learning alot about the cactus here. There's that really tall thick cactus that you see alot in cartoons called the sajuara. They're protected because they only grow here in the Sonora desert. They actually weigh about a ton a piece because they're full of water and they have a wooden rib structure for reinforcement. Then there are the prickely pair cactus which are the bush like cactus that have the flat ovular chip leaves. Then there are the cholla cactus and the jumping cholla. The jumping cholla looks like it will literally jump off of its branch just to stab you with needles. They look like a twiggy bush covered with a fur of needles.
Last night we watched "The Grizzly Man". I don't really want to say too much about it other than it's hillarious if you don't assume that the man has serious psychological issues. Sometimes people are just really stupid, other times people are just really sick in the head. Oh, and the food here is glorious. After some authentic Mexican food today, I passed out for two and a half hours. I feel pretty good and pretty stress free. Talk to you later. Peace and Love.

Apply Pressure to Your Wounded Dreams

I just spent the entire day studying for a pre-calculus test tomorrow. Matt and I went to Wendy's for a few hours and then came back and got a bit of tutoring in. Now it's almost three in the morning. We've already decided to skip our 8 o'clock class to rest our brains, but the test will come. I feel ready to rise and meet it.

I watched "A Clockwork Orange" today for philosophy class. The philosophy behind it was interesting, and I know they were trying to make a valid point, but the movie was still disgusting. It's not a movie I would like to see twice. I think I'll write my midterm on "The Godfather" instead. Once this math test is done, I'll be able to focus more on that paper and get it out of the way, leaving the rest of the week to daydreaming. Just a few more days until Arizona.

I've been thinking for the past few days on how college seems to rob us of our passion and dreams. It brings you to a new reality that you will only amount to getting by. I find that education aims its pupils towards what is known and not towards what is unknown. You learn to become obediant and fall in line with the rest of the world. I see dying faces when I walk across campus, people who once had dreams but now have accepted their mediocre existences. I see that in myself, and I have written on it progressively several times. It's a theme that keeps returning year after year, stronger and stronger. I long for excitement and adventure more and more. I know now why it is that youth are prone to be activists. They don't want to believe that they are just a cog in a wheel so they grab hold of an ideal and fight for it in attempts to stay on top of the water instead of sinking to the bottom with the rest of them. And slowly education peels back each white-knuckled finger from their tight grip on the dreams they once viewed as pinnacle. Their arms are then wrapped around a job and security. So American education is a mystery book we pick up and read starting at kindergarten. Teachers work for years trying to convince us that we are so much more. College is the final chapter, a horrible end to such a bright beginning. I've always prefered writing over reading anyways.

Peace and love.