All of it Shining Through

God answers prayer. I think I'm officially hired as an employee of Towne Park valet service for the summer. I'm glad because a lot of my friends are going to be working there, so it should be a good experience. But I'm still trying to sort though my mind these days, getting all the clutter out and filling it back up with clarity of some kind. It's rough though. I'm still having a hard time talking straight. Even driving has been an extra difficult task as of late. My future keeps bothering me, and I wish I could just let it go. I don't want to waste my life by worrying about tomorrow all of the time. I want to be greatful for the time I have now.

I ran sound tonight for two pretty good bands tonight. I can't remember the second act's name, but he played acoustic guitar and wrote great lyrics. It motivated me for a moment or two to become the kind of lyricist he was. I want to write that kind of inspiring music. I mean it's really hard for me to go to a show and actually enjoy it, especially if the music is cliche Christian, but he was that rare jewel. I enjoyed his music and the lyrics and they didn't seem cliche at all. It reached into my soul sort of the way music used to before I moved to Nashville. That's one of the reasons I want to leave when I graduate. My love of music has been tied to a chair and beaten to lifelessness for the past three years. I want to play for people who can take joy in what my heart produces. I want to sing to people who can get lost in it. That's hard to find in a city of competing musicians. I don't even sit in the solitude of my room and play for myself anymore. I've lost all motivation. But whenever I leave I'm filled with it again. I get all of these great ideas and new lyrics sloshing over the brim of my brain. It's hard to contain.

Tonight was the last floor meeting that I will lead in Pembroke. Soon all of the residents will be moving out and then me, but this time for good. It will be hard. I'll see my home of three years every day until I graduate, but it won't be the same. The people who will live here won't know who I am or care. It will move on without me, but that's a part of life, I suppose, that we all must adjust to. Uncertainty comes next. I should have fun with it like I did when I was a kid. I loved uncertainty. But somewhere along the way I found it convenient to be stressed over uncertainty. It's not convenient, it's stupid. The root of it must be malcontent. I don't want to be a malcontent. Peace and love.