Pride, Paralasys, and the Unknown

I'm up way later than I should be. I need to sleep, but I can't. I've got way too much on my mind. I know it's bad when I start cleaning. It's 1am and I just finished cleaning the bathroom. Short choppy sentences, also an indicator. Let me calm down a little bit and try to articulate this.

Dealing with uncertainty is and always has been one of the hardest opponents for me to face. I like to know what it is I'm getting into, and if I don't have a clue, I sit back and I do all sorts of research on the matter until I feel like I have a pretty good bead on things. It all boils down to control. Am I in control or aren't I? Is God in control? Sometimes I just get so frustrated with my need to know. It's not right, or maybe sometimes it is. But how much of my own heart can I really trust? I've never put too much stock in the whole "follow your heart" mantra, but do I not for the right reasons? Logic would convince me that following your heart with little restraint can lead you down foolish paths, but perhaps I become timid in the face of my passion because I can't control where it will take me. So I'm standing here looking down a road with very poor visibility and it drives me crazy. The desire for adventure meets my control nature, and thus, internal duality. I want to go, but the unknown changes that will happen in me as I take each step past this point... that scares the hell out of me. So it becomes a faith thing. Do I trust that the God who loves me will keep His promises? Do I really believe that? Do I believe that I know God's will well enough to even answer that question? I'm a loose cannon and, as they commonly say in epic movies, I'm either incredibly brave or incredibly foolish. But for the first time, and this is the kicker, for the first time I really don't want to know. And that's how I feel. That's why I can't sleep. This part of me effects so many different areas of my life, whether it be work, spirituality, relationships, whatever. I've been wrestling with this for a while now. I just haven't talked to anyone about it yet either because I don't think they have the time to hear it or because I'm to proud, ashamed, or untrusting. I would write it on a public journal though. Tell me if that makes any sense...

Peace and love

Drought

I've been playing a lot of music lately, at least a few hours every day. My fingers hurt for the first time in years as I keep mashing them up and down the neck of my guitar. My voice hurts from singing and my feet can't stop tapping out a beat. I miss my guitar. I haven't been as good to her as I should.

I'm really tired tonight even though I didn't work that hard. I need to try my best to get more sleep and drink more water. I get dehydrated so easily.

This drought is horrible. It's been steady for a few months now. And though it has rained all across the US with some regularity (I've been watching my radar), it hasn't rained here but a few times. It almost seems like when it does rain, the water never really makes it down past the tree tops. You can hear the sprinkling in the leaves, but not a drop will hit the hot cement beneath your feet. The ground is dusty and everywhere you go people are sneezing. I love sneezing, so that's not so bad, but this is too much of a good thing. I just want it to rain buckets. I want to walk out in it and soak it in.

I don't know what I'm writing about. I think I'm just going to read and go to bed. Peace and love.

Rough Night's Sleep

I'm so confused this morning. My dreams keep disassembling everything that I'm trying to hold together. I can't sleep well at night. I'm getting ready for work now while I contemplate the cowardice of perhaps if only work is hard enough I won't have to think about the things on my mind. I shouldn't be surprised. This is only what I asked for.

At my very core I want to be an honorable man. I want to be righteous, not because I feel that the Lord will be less loving of me if I am not, but because that is where the most full fruits of life exist. It's hard sometimes. It's almost as if that is my dark secret that if anybody found out, they would like me less. But I want to be shaped into a dependable worker, a faithful husband, and a good father. I think that is the basic desire of most men, at least at one point or another. I have a lot of fears that need to be dealt with though, and they need to be dealt with this week.

I'm going to work.

Peace and love.

Heart Wars and Kneeling Water Angels

Sat down a few hours ago and almost wrote out a journal that was a little too personal. I looked it over for a while and decided that sometimes we are better off when we don't tell the world our exact thoughts. In summary though, I had a rough day. Physically my job is very demanding, but today my head was swimming and busy and just messed up. I got messed up by one of my mentors. He gave me a call in response to my request and we talked for all we could, both of us being at work and all. I know he's right, and it kills me. So for the next while I'm going to be silent and still and try to wrestle with God for a bit. It'll be fine because all of my roommates are gone for the weekend (or month) and it'll give me some time just to focus.

Gotta leave work at work and home at home. I made a bunch of careless mistakes today that didn't really damage anything but the clock, and I know better.

Focus. I went to the golf course down near the old Pembroke House tonight on my bike. It's warm out, but when you're out in the open air it still feels cool and chill on your skin. I got there and I walked for a while. The moon was half out, but it was almost too bright to look at with full eyes. There were crickets and cicadas too. Probably the only place they hang out right now being that it's so dry. Humid still, but hard dry dirt. It was a stunning scene. An angel made of water sprinklers was kneeling on the green with huge wings spanning from one side of the rough to the other. The bright moon hit through the water droplet wings and set it to silver. And me? I laid down on the flat of a freshly cut down oak stump and looked up at the sky through the branches of some trees near by. It was a short conversation, but God met me there.

I knew Viking and Stuffy were somewhere at the course riding bikes. They had left earlier while I was watching a movie and I parked next to them. I figured if I bumped into them then I would, but I knew they would probably call me if they got back to the car first and saw my bike there. That's what ended up happening. Then we came back here.

Oh, and in other news, my bicycle was stolen today. Jokes on them though. The back tire was completely flat and so I guess they thought it was just out of air. No no no, the bike tire exploded quite brutally, so much to their chagrin, the pump they stole with the bike will avail them not. Oh... and if they even bother to spend the money to buy a new tube, only one gear on the bike works, and it's the hard one. In short, I'm glad they stole my bike. It's poetic justice at it's finest. They will have to work almost as hard to fix the bike as they would have had to in order to earn the money to buy a bike of greater value.

Anyways, I need some sleep now. Tomorrow is Friday and payday and the day I get to try and figure out how I will spend my weekend. I want to go fishing.

Peace and love.

Clear Your Head

Sometimes I get these cravings to do something completely random and adventurous for at the very least, something to write about. I can't say that what I did today was extraordinarily adventurous, but it was a start for sure. I woke up rather early and started working on my bike before I made my first long trek. I decided to go to the Natchez Trace Parkway and ride into the countryside. It was a great ride and I'm going to be doing it more often. It was just a time for me to get out of the city and clear my head. I've been thinking about a lot of different stuff lately. It's really surprising how complex we are as individuals. I can't imagine knowing someone else fully when I surprise myself all the time. Stuff stays hidden and forgotten sometimes and then all of the sudden it's back. I like it, but can I master it? I know it sounds weird. It's not a bad thing. I'm just a little nervous.

For the rest of the day all of the roommates cleaned house. I feel like we got a lot done, but that's probably because I'm used to our normal living standards. We are definitely above and beyond right now. After we finished cleaning, we cooked out and Mitch came over. I like just sitting around the grill and swapping stories. I'm pretty easy to entertain.

Food ended and I made an unpleasant discover. In my closet in my bedroom I found that when our hot water heater (which got fixed today) busted, It leaked through the wall into my closet and under my dirty cloths. So my dirty cloths were starting to stink pretty bad, meaning that I had to wash all of them tonight. Great. So the last load is in the dryer now and it's 2am. But more friends came over tonight, some that I haven't seen in a while, some that I've never met at all. It's good to run into people.

Now I'm going to bed. I'm waking up early tomorrow and singing at church. I really love it when I get to contribute my musical ability here. It's not often that I do, but it's so fun. Well... here's to another hot Sunday. I'm ready. Are you?

Peace and love.

Night on Tyne Blvd

Okay, so I have to write more. I have a lot on my mind and this is the only thing I know to do when that happens. I found myself thinking a lot today between job commands. I ended up working a 12 hour day, which is great, but it was hard too. Anyways. I talked to several people, just asking them what was up in their day and I got a lot of heavy responses of great and sad things. I must say I love genuine responses, as time consuming as they may be. I was in that kind of a mood today. I wanted to just listen to people, but I also did a bit of sharing myself. There's a lot going on in my life, and a lot of questions that I have.

I had a sit down with one of my friends tonight and I asked her a lot of questions of stuff I was thinking about. She surprised me with some of the things she said in response which I was grateful for. After that I went on a long night ride through some country back roads on my bike. It was another beautiful night and Tyne Blvd was full of turns, cool air, and bugs. Nobody else was out there and the cicadas were so loud they sang over the rumble of my engine. It was so beautiful. It was one of those drives where the tall trees huddle over the road and even the thinest light from the moon creates shadow outlines from their branches above onto the pavement. The smells were great too. That's one of the best things about a motorcycle. You get all of the smells. In a car you can miss it. It's just blowing around inside over your old rug and upholstery. But on a bike, the smell of the leaves and grass at night cooling off after a hot day. I don't know of many things, other than the North Carolina ocean or the rhododendrons in the Appalachian Mountains, that could beat that smell. It was great. I feel closer to God in places like that, and places like on top of the Belmont parking garage where I ended up at the end of my ride. I sat up there on my bike looking over the city, just voicing some of my frustrations to God. I get so frustrated with what Christianity has become and how it has seemingly less and less to do with God and more and more to do with politics, legalism, denomination, and proof and facts and all of these loveless activities. And that's who God is to Americans. God is all of those things because his followers are all of those things. That's frustrating. We've grown so cynical that love might actually be good enough between us and God, us and each other, and us and ourselves. I know I sound like a hippie... Sorry.

This weekend I really want to experience some sort of adventure. I want to break out of the city and go somewhere. Maybe I'll go camping or fishing. Any way I look at it, it's gotta be outdoors and it's gotta be for a long time.

That's the Past Few Days

It's my lunch break. It is also three o'clock. So I'm home right now trying to digest a McDonald's #2 and I thought I would write a few things down while I am here.

First!
I got off of work yesterday and took a shower. I was going to be hanging out with a girl I met not too long ago named Linzy. So I showered and got out and noticed a funny sound coming from Viking's room, sorta sounded like a running toilet. "Viking doesn't have a toilet in his room." I said to myself. It's true... he didn't... I checked it out and sure enough, no toilet, but alas the floor was covered in water. I frantically began to throw furniture out of the way to get to his closet. Once opened I found the hot water heater was gushing water all over the place so I turned off the water and moved the rest of Viking's stuff out of the way just as he got home.

Second!
I tried to find Linzy's place in East Nashville, and I got so totally lost! Embarrassing. But we ended up hanging out and I can't speak for both of us, but I had a great time. We went to the 12ave Tap Room and then we watched... shhhh... we watched anime, but don't tell anybody because we're pretty sure we are dorks for it, so it's kind of a secret. But anyways, yeah. Good times.

Third!
My cell phone alarm failed to wake me up yet again! I know I set it this time, but this is the second night in a row. I think it is possessed, and I am going to get to the bottom of it.

So that's what has been going on lately. I'm working late tonight so I won't be able to do much in the ways of hanging out, but I'm in a really good mood despite the poor choice of food for lunch. I'm looking forward to becoming organized and getting all squared away on this post graduation experience. I'm making money now, which is huge. Now all I have to do is learn how to be content and generous and I think I'll be a-okay. Peace and love.

Reflection Sets In

There it is. There's that moment I was waiting for. The reflective stage of moving on. I haven't really had much time for it until tonight. It has been a time mostly of celebration and love, but reflection, for me, is deepest found in moments of isolation. I went on a ride tonight through the back roads of Nashville, thinking as I was driving. It was too beautiful of a night to pass up. The cool wind blowing through my nylon jacket felt liberating, like showering in air. I remembered lots of things. I think most of it was over dinner discussion tonight with my parents and uncle sitting around as my friends and I reminisced over stories from the past. Viking was right, we do have some really good stories and they get better and better with age. But I have found a great many things within myself that I am thankful for. I know who I am now, and I think I know what I want. I'll be moving in that direction, I've been moving in that direction I suppose. If you were to ask me, I wouldn't know what to tell you. It's hard to put into words, but I keep feeling it. It's some sort of, dare I say, calling for which I have been given all of this strength and drive, but no vision as to exactly where to pour it. It's coming though, or at least I would like to think it is coming. I may die tomorrow and we would never know, but I'd like to think that it is coming.

Again, I can't stress how happy I was with graduation last night and just the time of fellowship I have had with family and friends this weekend. In time, much will change, but I commit these things to memory, and as Viking said before, they will get better and better with age. I will have something to talk about when I am old and I have kids of my own going through similar situations. I'm grateful for that.

Peace and love.

Graduated

I wanted to make this a long journal, but I feel really sick right now. It's a really bad headache. But anyways, I graduated today. This officially closes out my college career and the title of this journal. I've been writing now for almost four years for well over 500 posts and probably well over a thousand pages of history made. It was great, though I felt a little impatient. It was nice to have my parents and uncle there and a whole row of my friends screaming me on as I walked. I was really sad that one of them didn't come, the only one in fact.

But I have my diploma now, and all is well. I think I'm going to just sit and try to shake off this headache for a while before I go to bed.

Peace and love.

Security and Anxiousness

I woke up this morning a few minutes early to attend men's Bible study with Mitch. I got there and thankfully they had coffee, so I managed to wake up. But I had to be at work right after I got there, and today was going to be a long day. I'm pretty tired right now. It was hot outside, and even though I didn't work out in it, I still got zapped.

Something has me anxious too. I don't know what it is, but my patience is shorter right now than usual. I know it's a big weekend, but I don't think that's quite what's going on.

I did just see some pictures from an old place where my heart still gets lost on occasion. I even thought about it today before I even stumbled upon those pictures, so I know it's not just coincidence. I miss Guatemala. I haven't been in five years, and I really miss it. I miss the beach too.

But today I had some good news. I'm getting hired full time by the company I'm currently sub-contracting under. I feel really good about it, and I'm sure I'll be negotiating a salary tomorrow. I hope they can take care of me. I must admit, it has had me thinking a bit about my future here. There is a lot of promise I must say, but where and for how long? That, I do not know the answer to.

So I guess I'm just going to fall asleep to a movie. Peace and love.

Few More Days

Just a couple more days until I graduate. I haven't really been thinking much about it other than... what Belmont could spring on me at the last minute in order to screw things over for me. But I've checked with them three times now and it's all systems go. I feel pretty good about everything. Not only am I graduating finally, but I also have a job waiting for me when I'm done. The next few years should be pretty simple though. I'm going to be mostly just working at paying off my student loans. After that, who knows. But I doubt my lifestyle will change very much. I mean I want to start eating more healthy foods and I'd like to get a YMCA membership so I can swim on a regular basis, but other than that I don't really mind living at this standard. I just want to make good money so I can pay off Belmont.

Other than that I'm not really thinking too much in the long term. I think that can be a problem for me sometimes. I don't focus enough on what is at hand because I'm too distracted by either my past or my future. Finding middle ground really is the best way in my opinion.

Not really much else to say. Peace and love.

The I Don't Know Journal

Not much to do right now. I've been surfing the internet, but I don't really go but between facebook, friend bloggs and e-mail. The internet is boring to me. I guess there's not really much that I want to know right now. I'm listening to a really good band that I didn't know I had. They're called Mae. I have the music up pretty loud and I'm the only one home. I feel pretty strong today. I feel like I have a clear sense of things. Life undergoes its hardships but I'm not going to let it slow me down.

It's hot outside and it will be for the rest of the week. I don't really know why I'm even writing right now if that's all I have to say... I might just take a nap, maybe read something. Lord knows I could go without TV for a little bit. Here goes. I'm going to go do something.

Me and You

Sometimes I get into these positions where the people around me have great things happen to them and then I start thinking about myself and what is missing. I feel lacking, like I don't have as many important things to say, or maybe I'm not as considerate, or maybe I'm not as attractive. I know it's stupid to feel like that. I don't know why I still have a problem with it, but I have a feeling that things would make more sense to me if I were to just dodge myself. Stop thinking about what I have and don't have and just love people for all I can. I think that when I focus on myself, that's when I become overly concerned with "justice", what's fair and what's not.

One of the books I'm reading right now is from this old Japanese manuscript. It's called "Budoshoshinshu: The Warrior's Primer of Daidoji Yuzan". Basically it's the honor code of samurai and I already know I'm a huge nerd for reading it, but I don't really care. I was reading one part that I really agreed with. It said to focus on your mortality day and night. If you know that your life is just a brief moment, you will not take any amount of time for granted. The Bible also alludes to that on several occasions. I've been doing that lately and I feel like I'm paying less attention to what I think is fair, and I'm helping people more selflessly, and it is more fulfilling.


I'm out. Peace and love.

Immersion

I haven't eaten dinner yet and I suppose I should, but I've been immersed in something amazing. I'm not talking about love, but it has a few of the same side effects. I'm not going to say much about it right now as a few things have yet to fall into place. Keeping my fingers crossed though...

It's been nice not having a TV for the past few days. Mitch is moving out with Jason right now and he took the one we were using. It's gone and now we actually do a fair share of communication. I have a real love-hate relationship with television. I went out for coffee and reading tonight... or rather, hot tea and reading. I'm not much of a coffee drinker, though I suppose I could use a cup in the morning on the occasion. This morning was pretty rough. I hit snooze a couple of times in a half awake stupor, and I must have hit the wrong button finally because I fell back asleep and was woken by a phone call. It was my boss asking me where I was. Fortunately I wasn't late yet, but you should have seen me fly. I was up and out and at work in 10 minutes. That's pretty much a record for me. But I hate it when that happens, and it does about three times a year. I need to figure out a better way of waking up in the morning. I think I am going to have to require that I go to sleep earlier because I just don't think my body is pulling enough hours on the pillow. I also need to cut back on the beer again. I drink a lot of times pretty close to bedtime, and that's not good. That means I can't enter REM, which is where my body gets all of its rest. Basically, all this to say that the way I am governing my life right now isn't very healthy. I could use a few alterations in diet, sleep habits, and mental focus.

I might find out my hire status by tomorrow though. They had a meeting today about me (I think) and whether or not they could hire me. I know I had a lot of guys backing me up. They really like me over there, at least, the ones that I have worked with. I would love a full time position, but my spirit is prepared if I am declined. I still have the determination to find satisfactory employment.

Bunches of people will start arriving in Nashville pretty soon though. I do miss seeing everybody, running into people I am familiar with at the grocery store or at church. All that is great, but I'm still uncertain as to what is going to happen between my inner circle of friends. Everybody is changing rapidly. Some of them are getting depressed, some of them are entering new mentalities, some are breaking away. I don't know which category I fall under exactly. I don't feel depressed. I feel rather motivated. I kind of feel like I'm entering a new mentality, but is it happening that rapidly? And I guess I am breaking away ever so slightly, developing new hobbies, and trying to meet new people. But basically, a lot is changing around us and I think it will become shaky for some. I want to try and have a positive spin on things. I think the biggest temptation is for us to turn inwards and focus on ourselves, blocking out the feelings of our friends and anyone else around us. It is pretty common for me to do this, but I will try to maintain an awareness during the next few months.

Well... I'm going to cook some dinner and get to sleep early tonight. Peace and love.