I Might Be Confused

So far this week has proved high and low. I haven't really had any in between feelings. I've been excessively angry and exceedingly happy, joyous and sorrowful, well and sick. I don't know what's going on really, other than the year is making is grousome last stand.

My anger came from experiencing the detestible. I met someone who I initially thought was a pleasant person and who I even considered opening up to only to find out that she was using me. She was proud, deceitful, arrogant, controlling, boastful, and seemingly had no decency for anything of seriousness or depth. I was angry that I even tried to spend time with her, but then I couldn't be angry at her anymore. I thought to myself "Is this how some people see me?" I figured that she and I actually had a lot in common, only she wears hers on the outside while mine is well hidden on the inside. So now I deliberate, who is better? Neither of us. We have bright futures outside of love, but within love we share a common fate. Unless we change we will never find true love. We will always feel a bitter distrust towards the other sex. We will always look too deep into a situation and try to control it so as not to get hurt. We will continue to lie to ourselves and make believe that we are wiser than we really are. The difference between she and I isn't our irreverance or distrust, but merely our self control. That's what made me angry.

My happiness came from Brittany who sent me a care package. I was starving, as good as dead, but she had pity on me and sent me something to eat for the next good while. It's nice to know that people think of you and take care of you even when you don't ask for their help. I don't get that too often though because I think I put off this front that I don't really want anyone's help, that I'm happy struggling by myself. Sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes I'm just to proud to ask.

My joy came from mornings this past week. I've woken up in a good mood just about every day. It's been harder, even in the midst of such business and hard work, for me to be shaken. I have been able to see beauty more clearly.

My sorrow came from the news I received last night. My friend Eric from back home overdosed on Tylonol last night and is in critical condition. He's got a 50/50% chance of survival and I just don't know how to feel. Part of me feels guilty in that I didn't try hard enough to reach out to him. I mean I knew times were rough for him, but I didn't know they were that bad. The other part of me is sort of upset. Doesn't he know how many people love him? And then I go right back to myself. Did I express my love loudly enough? At this point, all I can do is pray for him and his family and wait by my phone hoping for the best. I would ask of you to keep he and his family in your prayers as well.

Tomorrow is going to be a rough day, the next few days for that matter. I've got to finish of the year with a paper and two more exams on Tuesday on top of checking out residents. After that I have to get my summer situated with my new RA position and my new job. I'll try to keep the best attitude I can about it. Other than that, I'm going to go to bed early. Despite all of my exercise this week I have managed to pick up a bit of a sickness. I need it to go away. I don't have time for stuff like this. Hope you all are doing well. Peace and love.