Silence... Sometimes A Better Composition Than the Best Music

I have so much I want to write about tonight. My head is swimming fast right now, trying to prioritize before my fingers finish typing.

Last night I had a bizarre dream. I was at the ocean and I was wearing a wetsuit. The water was a deep deep blue, not the usual brown stirred up water that you usually see at the beach, but the water you would see several miles off shore. The sun was low but neither rising nor setting, and I was compelled to swim out past the waves to a cluster of icebergs. On one of the icebergs was a woman, also in a wetsuit, teaching a class on the distinguished varieties of penguins. I saw at my feet two penguins, one a puffin and the other an emperor penguin. I clearly remember naming the two out loud to the teacher and marveling at how close they would let me get to them. Then, all of the sudden, I was startled by a stirring in the water. Just beside the iceberg where I was standing swam a large narwhale. I jumped and became afraid because I had never seen anything like it before. It had a huge horn sticking out of it's head that I thought it might stab me with if it got the chance. I had only heard of such things existing. Never before had I seen one. I watched it, though, as it swam speedily towards the shore where it heaved itself onto the land. I swam back to look at it and decide whether or not I would, or even could, help. I was too afraid to go near it though. It was just too strange and fearsome looking for me to approach. After that I woke up. I was in awe of my dream so I spent a while on the computer trying to find an image of a narwhale to make sure I wasn't crazy. I found this. That picture was almost exactly what I saw in my dream, only its horn was a bit longer and more distinguished. It also seemed rather large. But it's dreams like these that make me wonder what I've been thinking. I haven't heard of or seen a narwhale in years, but my dream drew it perfectly. I don't know sometimes.

Work today was slow going. We only had 9 cars and I only made $25. That's just not enough. I need to do better than that. If the job keeps on yielding such low return I might have to find a new one. I hope not though. This one seems very accommodating.

Ya know, instead of finishing all the things I had to say, I think tonight I will just sit in my silence and digest it all a bit further. I have learned to appreciate more silence as of late. I listen to a good bit of music on a daily basis, but sometimes it is good to make a change. I'll talk to you tomorrow perhaps.

Peace and love.

In High Point

I'm here in High Point and I have been for the past two days. I leave tomorrow which I'm not exactly looking forward to, but work calls back in Nashville. It was nice to get to see everyone though, or as many people as I did get to see. I forgot how fast four days can go by, and I haven't been here since December. Lots of things have changed since then. New buildings everywhere, kids I knew when they were waist high are graduating from high school, everybody is different. I guess I'm pretty different myself though. I'll be graduating in a year.

But it's fun to walk the shadows of your youth, to put your hands on the walls of buildings that you touched when you were very very young. Yesterday I even stopped at a few stores randomly that I hadn't been to in about 14 years. I didn't realize it until I was inside and smelled that all too familiar smell. I even remembered where most everything was. It was like those two places were timeless. Walking through my home church was funny too. I have so many memories there and hardly anybody remembers me mostly because there are so many new members. All in all my memory was jogged into realizing just how fast time has passed since three years ago, two years ago, last year. It all gets faster and faster. I wonder if I'll ever hit terminal velocity or if I'll just keep on speeding up to the day I die.

Peace and love.

City Streets

So this is where I've been working for the past week.

It's a good job, and I make decent money. For instance, today Drew Carey left us a $100 tip. That doesn't happen every day, but it was cool to meet him. The only rough part about the job is standing and running all day with exception to lunch. At lunch I go walking through downtown to find my friend Joe the hotdog guy. He and I are on a first name basis and he serves New York style hotdogs from an authentic city sidewalk hotdog stand. The city, especially around the capital building, looks amazing during the day, with people going in and out of fancy tall buildings or sitting on benches talking with friends.

Lately I've been having a longing to get back into my music. I haven't touched my guitar in a while, and I'm bursting with new ideas. I'm going to start writing again.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going home for the first time since December. I need a good vacation from this place. Not that it's been bad, but it's always good to get out for a little bit to refresh myself with unbiased thought.

Speaking of unbiased thought, I'm workin on that. I was thinking about my motivations and about my desires, and it's so hard to measure them when you let your emotions get in the way. It clouds the way you think of other people. I've realized that I'm a bit more emotional than I credit myself with though I don't express the kind of emotions that one would think. I don't cry and I haven't in a long time. I get upset though. My emotions eat at me from the inside causing me to loose sleep or appetite or to back down from social situations or to become overbearing. Those are the kinds of emotions that I have to learn to control. Part of that I use and express through my music, but I haven't done that in a while so I've got a pretty cloudy mind right now. Actually I think a lot of it spurs from the anxiety of change. I've been through quite a bit of change lately with a new job, a new apartment, new co-workers, and a new way of life. That's a good bit of pressure. It'll be ten times this amount of pressure when I graduate next year. Ouch.

Haha, I'm watching The Poseidon Adventure right now and everyone is taking deep breaths and going under water to follow a rope through part of the submerged ship. Every time someone goes under I catch myself holding my breath. It's pretty good. I don't know about the new one. Hollywood has the tendency to take movies like this and "pop" them out with thrills and scares. Why would you re-do a movie like this?

I'm in the midst, also, of reading two books. First there's "Dante's Inferno". It's part of Dante's Divine Comedy (not "haha" comedy) on Heaven and Hell. This book is his depiction of Hell and it's many steps. He seriously could have been burned alive for some of the things he said back then about bishops and popes being in the center of Hell... Pretty crazy.

The second book I'm working on is "Yvain or The Knight with the Lion". It's an old classic French poem written during a time of fascination over King Arthur's Court. Thus far, a pretty good book.

Well... now I leave you. Peace and love.

It's Been One Week

I spent last night over at Giorgio's house sharing in high and lofty conversation, the present and future in all of life's facets all over several games of pool. It was good timing, very good timing. We traded advice on what will soon be rough and uncertain waters for me. I was certain before last night, but now I have a great deal to think about. I did most of that thinking today as I cleaned the house. I won't really be around for the rest of the week as I have work and then will be going back to North Carolina for a few days. I look forward to that. But things are clean and I feel at ease.

I'm trying to get healthy. I feel rather weak these days. I've lost a bit of weight, but my heart is still pumping at a remarkable 46 beats per minute. I set off the alarm at the doctor's office today while I was having my blood pressure taken. All that aside, I need to eat more healthily. I'm pretty sure that's the root of the problem. I'm getting enough sleep and I'm still relatively active, but I'm not eating wisely.

Tomorrow I work again, both driving cars and sitting at the desk. Other than that I have no plans. Peace and love.

Too Tired for a Title

A hard day's work feels good, but I'm in a lot of pain. I did well enough in training, though, that they let me take from tips on the first day which doesn't happen that often, so that makes me feel pretty good. I drove all kinds of cars and I really think I can get the hang of this job. I just need some time to sort through the day. A lot happened in those eight hours, and I'm left slightly confused, but not hopeless.

Tonight will be a natural sleep. I've got to do this all over again tomorrow morning and I'm not exactly looking forward to the early start, but I've got to get used to it.

Oh, but this morning as I was walking out to my car I saw the most amazing cloud scape. My overlook of the city from here is absolutely great, and the sun shown through the clouds creating beams that touched down in a fan-like pattern all across the city below. As much of a hurry as I was in, I had to stop for a moment and just take it all in. It's a good reminder to me of who God is.

Peace and love.

Any Ideas?

One foot in front of the other. I have to remember that day by day as life gets more and more complicated. And there are certain things that still bother me, things that shouldn't. But that's just me. I'm the guy that just can't find it in him to let something go. Even when I want to I can't. I'm constantly bothered by some deep thought or by the weight of things that tripped me up yesterday or years ago. I'm not trying to claim an intellectual depth. That would be far from the truth. I just sometimes get curious to see the world through the eyes of someone who doesn't see the things that I see, someone who sees a rainy day as a cleansing and rejuvenating day instead of a grey, sunless, dreary day. I dated a girl like that once, and I never understood how she did it. At first I thought it was naivety but then I came to be envious of it. But I'm not ashamed of who I am. I just haven't quite figured out my entire purpose yet. I know my basic nature and my strengths and weaknesses, but purpose... heh... what senior in college knows his or her purpose? I guess there are some, but not many.

Tonight I sleep early again. I'm up at 5:30 for work and I haven't managed that in a LONG time, so we'll see what happens throughout the day. I did manage to scavenge up a couple Red Bull to open my eyes in the morning, but my brain is another story. When I get there I'm going to hold a positive mentality. I WILL enjoy this job. I'd better enjoy it. I'm going to be spending most of my time there.

Peace and love.

Still Not Settled

It was a more relaxed day today than I had planned for. I didn't have check-out duty this morning and work only took half an hour at the valet. They needed to schedule with me and that was about it.

So what did I do? I spent most of the day with Cameron and Aaron watching movies, going to dinner, and going to the store. Now I'm back and it's only 9:30, but I'm trying something new. I'm trying to readjust my sleeping habits to permit me to wake up at 5:45 so that I can make it to work by 7. It's going to be rough. I never was a morning person, and I don't have money yet for a coffee maker.

I'm going to be taking up reading as a pass time. It'll help keep me balanced and focused. Other than that... I'm pretty bored right now. I'm going to watch another movie and then go to bed. Peace and love.

Hard Work Gets Harder

I didn't rest much today. I suspect it shall be a while before I really can. I'm in the midst of so much transition right now with my two new jobs and the whole schedule changing. I'm also under a good bit of physical pressure which is always fine by me. But through all of this my head is surprisingly clear... most of the time.

I got a haircut today. I've really come to enjoy getting my hair cut because it's an excuse to just sit back and give someone else control for a while. I'm not even worried about how they cut it. It's hair, it'll grow back if it's crappy.

I had to be back for duty tonight though. That was tough. This is a much larger area to cover as an RA on duty, and it seemed like everybody needed to be checked in or out during my shift. My feet and legs hurt from climbing so many stairs for so many days, but I'm not going to complain. It's good for me.

Tomorrow will be a long day. I've got check-in in the morning until 2:30 and then I have training from 3 until 11 pm. I'll be doing that for three days straight, so I'm going to be a bit tired for a while... but I think I already mentioned that.

Who knows... Before this is all over... I might switch from tea to coffee.

Peace and love.

All Moved In

The summer has officially started. I'm finally all moved in to my new apartment. It was pure exhaustion. Let's see... 25 hours total of moving boxes and straightening up. Good times. It makes sitting back with the final product that much more satisfying. I'm hurtin though.

I start work tomorrow morning, uh err, RA work that is, not valet. That comes on Tuesday I believe. Still have to figure out how I'm going to do both. Well... I suppose I could show you around the new place... Atleast the room part of it. Let me try and post some new pics.






There we go. The first pic is my closet n stuff... A pretty big closet if you ask me (but you probably didn't). The next pic is of the same closet, but this time the door is closed so you can see my bed n stuff... A bigger bed than I'm used to. The next is of my entrance, and the next is of my tv corner. I couldn't show you out the window. I wish I could because the city view is amazing. Belmont is on the highest point in Nashville and my apartment is on the hillside (hence the name Hillside). I got a great window.

Sorry my hair was wet for the picture (but not that sorry). I just took a shower and I feel great. Time for some leftover Chineese food. Peace and love.

Pembroke, Farewell

This is the very last of it. For three years I have lived under this roof experiencing new life as a freshman, enduring new hardships as a sophomore and RA, and slowly burning out as a junior and RA. Walking the halls when nobody else is here brings back great memories but at the same time, sad. We didn't realize what we had when we had it. It was great, but these walls also speak of change. Year by year new faces come and old faces leave. Next year no one here will know who I am. I will be a stranger when I walk through the doors, trespassing on their turf. And each year gets faster. When I was younger I used to immagine what life today would be like, and now that it's here, it's gone just as fast.

My last night in Pembroke. My last journal from this desk in this room in Pembroke. So much was said here. I feel like I'm graduating.

The move has been rough though, a good deal harder than what I initially though. I woke up this morning at nine, and 16 hours later, I'm not quite done yet. It's been steady work, taking order to chaos and back to order again. It's like I'm moving in and out at the same time. First off I took my decorations over to the apartment and set them up. This way I could get a good idea as to where I wanted what. Then I moved stuff I knew I couldn't fit in the apartment over to the house. I took my car there with some lamps and such and then came back with Stuffy's 4-runner and moved my fridge, my futon and matress, my tree, and my night stand over to the house.

It was here where I caught myself. I've always been a small guy. I've always been told that I was too small or too young to do certain things. Well, in response to that I started working harder and taking on tasks much larger than myself to say that just because I'm small in size doesn't mean that I can't equal what other people can do. I was moving huge stuff by myself. When I got the fridge all the way down to the car from the third floor, I cut my hand open on it. That's when I realized how rediculous I was. What am I trying to prove now? I'm not that small anymore.

Well anyways, I got that over to the house and then started moving more and more stuff to the apartment. I didn't realize how much crap I actually own. My room is still pretty covered and I don't know what all to do with this stuff. I also had to go to Walmart to pick up some essentials. Those essentials ended up being way more expensive than I had planned. I'm getting nervous about my money again. Oh well, I'm about to start my new job.

Okay... here it is... The last time I shall go to bed in Pembroke Hall. The last time I shall close my journal in Pembroke Hall... The last time I shall, in Pembroke Hall, say "Peace and love".

Squared Away?

Almost... I haven't really started packing yet. It feels sad to take stuff off of my walls and put them in boxes, even if I am just moving it from one side of the campus to the other. The apartment I'm moving into is a nice four-man apartment, only the two other guys living there don't want me to move in. (sarcastically) I wonder why? I thought anyone would LOVE to have an RA move in with them for the summer. I guess I'll never understand.

It's not quite the way I would have wished my summer to start, but challenges are entertainments of sorts I suppose. My other source of entertainment shall be my new job training today... four hours of it. I hope they have snacks or I might die.

Last night proved more difficult than I thought. It was our award ceremony for being RA's all year. It was my last. I always feel weird at those things. I feel like maybe I could have worked harder or done things differently. I got my blanket for resignation and I tried to not get emotional about it, but I'm pretty sure it showed through. I've got a bright future ahead of me though. I won't be slowed down.

So... I feel ready. I'm not quite sure what's going to happen this next year, and I don't really feel like making any predictions. I hope to grow and to become a bit wiser. I hope to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I hope to graduate. I won't be worried though. To expect this ride to be smooth would be naive. It will get bumpy and uncomfortable but I'm strong enough to stand up. I'm excited to stand at the top of the mountain and look back at all the places I tripped and fell and all the places I succeeded. I guess after that I'll just have to find a new mountain. Peace and love.

Summer Mode

I've got a chest cough. I hate these things. You can hack and hack and hack, but you can never satisfy the tickling sensation in your throat. Deep breaths only make it worse... Gross.

Class is over. That's the big news. I'm done for the semester and I couldn't be more happy. There are still a few details here and there that I have to get squared away, but I feel good about it. Residents are moving out. I'm burdoned with less responsibility. I can finally come out of my shell for the next three months. Staying here in Nashville will be different, but I look forward to the new experiences. I look forward to being able to make new decisions.

I'm getting started tomorrow. Peace and love.

The Last Week

Tonight Matt and I decided to pull our powers together and cook a HUGE meal. It's called Breakfast for Dinner, and it's pretty much the ultimate man meal. We had waffles, sausage, eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, and sweat tea. Not only did we cook all that food, but we cooked enough for four people, only there were just two of us. I still smell like bacon grease. So on my full stomach I finished my philosophy paper and now I just need to work hard on getting a few final details squared away, study for two more tests, and then I'm home free. I'm excited about this next week. It's always a good time to unwind once all of the residents have moved out for the summer. Things change pretty quickly, but in a lot of ways for the better.

I've heard good rumors that Eric has become slightly responsive in the hospital. He's not quite out of the woods yet as he is still in critical condition, but thank you all for your prayers, I know their family appreciates it.

Well... I'm gunna head off to bed now. I'm almost better from being sick, but not quite. I was so bad this morning that I almost went and bought some meds... hehe, but not sick enough. Here's to you. Peace and love.

I Might Be Confused

So far this week has proved high and low. I haven't really had any in between feelings. I've been excessively angry and exceedingly happy, joyous and sorrowful, well and sick. I don't know what's going on really, other than the year is making is grousome last stand.

My anger came from experiencing the detestible. I met someone who I initially thought was a pleasant person and who I even considered opening up to only to find out that she was using me. She was proud, deceitful, arrogant, controlling, boastful, and seemingly had no decency for anything of seriousness or depth. I was angry that I even tried to spend time with her, but then I couldn't be angry at her anymore. I thought to myself "Is this how some people see me?" I figured that she and I actually had a lot in common, only she wears hers on the outside while mine is well hidden on the inside. So now I deliberate, who is better? Neither of us. We have bright futures outside of love, but within love we share a common fate. Unless we change we will never find true love. We will always feel a bitter distrust towards the other sex. We will always look too deep into a situation and try to control it so as not to get hurt. We will continue to lie to ourselves and make believe that we are wiser than we really are. The difference between she and I isn't our irreverance or distrust, but merely our self control. That's what made me angry.

My happiness came from Brittany who sent me a care package. I was starving, as good as dead, but she had pity on me and sent me something to eat for the next good while. It's nice to know that people think of you and take care of you even when you don't ask for their help. I don't get that too often though because I think I put off this front that I don't really want anyone's help, that I'm happy struggling by myself. Sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes I'm just to proud to ask.

My joy came from mornings this past week. I've woken up in a good mood just about every day. It's been harder, even in the midst of such business and hard work, for me to be shaken. I have been able to see beauty more clearly.

My sorrow came from the news I received last night. My friend Eric from back home overdosed on Tylonol last night and is in critical condition. He's got a 50/50% chance of survival and I just don't know how to feel. Part of me feels guilty in that I didn't try hard enough to reach out to him. I mean I knew times were rough for him, but I didn't know they were that bad. The other part of me is sort of upset. Doesn't he know how many people love him? And then I go right back to myself. Did I express my love loudly enough? At this point, all I can do is pray for him and his family and wait by my phone hoping for the best. I would ask of you to keep he and his family in your prayers as well.

Tomorrow is going to be a rough day, the next few days for that matter. I've got to finish of the year with a paper and two more exams on Tuesday on top of checking out residents. After that I have to get my summer situated with my new RA position and my new job. I'll try to keep the best attitude I can about it. Other than that, I'm going to go to bed early. Despite all of my exercise this week I have managed to pick up a bit of a sickness. I need it to go away. I don't have time for stuff like this. Hope you all are doing well. Peace and love.

A Horrible Time to Loose Sleep

One would think that with all of the activities I have been partaking of for a past few days I would be tired enough to sleep. This morning I woke up early and got the day started. I rode bikes with Matt for 5 miles, then I played frisbee, then I walked another 3 miles. My body is soar and achy, but I can't sleep. My head is so busy right now. Thought after thought of matters that don't even hold that great of significance keep jumping in and out of my skull. I was lying there on my bed remembering stuff from 7 or 8 years ago! I haven't even had any caffeen. Maybe it's the wings I had for dinner. Maybe it's the exam I have tomorrow morning at 8am. Maybe it's a number of things. Peace and Love.

Done?

I can't believe it. I can't believe I've finished another year in this building. It's my last though. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. But tonight was great. The formal was a blast and I danced like crazy. Everyone had a good time. My legs and feet hurt now though... small price to pay. Tomorrow I start check-out duty. It'll all be behind me soon. Summer's challenges are right around the corner. Peace and Love.

Thank You for your Comment. It Means a Great Deal

Bad Turned Good

I was a bit worried this morning when I woke up that I was going to have a rough day. I did, after all, have a rough night last night. My conscience was correct in slapping me up side the head. I just have this really horrid tendancy to be too sneaky. It's not that I enjoy hurting other people, but I get so involved in the game that it becomes all I focus on. I'm a moron. So that's what was on my mind last night. I don't think I slept too well, but if that is the least of my punishments then I am greatful. But when I woke this morning I read the weather. It was supposed to be rainy and cold... again. I hate that. So I got dressed and drug my feet all the way to seminar. I didn't pay much attention because... well... I'm not too sure why. The guy was interesting for the few snippets that I did focus, but I just wasn't in the mood. After that, I went to get my vaceen check-up at Vanderbilt. I had to give quite a bit of blood, but I get free juice, so it's awsome. Then I went to McDonalds for lunch. Haven't been there in a while, but I needed something besids ramen to tide me over. Good ol fish filet sandwich. When I got back to campus, I couldn't think of a thing that I had to do before tonight, so I just packed up all of my things and went over to the house to record. I've been meaning to record some stuff to send home to my church, but as of late I've been either too selfish or too busy. It turned out to be just what I needed though. Sitting here in my underwear playing all sorts of instruments. It's hot in here, but I got one song done. One song in four hours... that's alot... and it's not even completely done yet, but whatever. I'm just glad to finally have some time to do it. Well... tomorrow is the last day of classes and then the formal. I'm excited to go and excited to be done. Exams are not my stress right now at all. I'm more concerned about my future. I have so many options but they don't all have what I want. I could either go for money, satisfaction, togetherness, or lonliness, but I can't have it all. It's rough to make these sort of decisions. Well... everybody... Peace and Love.