Words

Words... I go through these bizarre phases where I'm just awkward at communication. My mind gets cluttered and I have so much to say, but I just get all jumbled up when I try to say it.

Right now I'm enduring a lot of pressure from reality. It's getting later in the year and I'll be here all summer. I've got my housing squared away, but I still haven't got my hands around another job for income. I've got lots of money I need to make this summer. And wow, I just realized that this is the last summer I'll ever have as a student. After this, I'll be a professional with year-round responsibility to my career.

My career. What career? "What do I want to do when I graduate?" I'm pretty sure that every college student is faced with that question at this point in their education. I just don't know yet. Right now all I'm concerned about is some decent and steady income that I can use to pay off my student loans. I don't even care if it's in my field of study. Speaking of my field of study, I'm afraid I'll have to come to an ultimatum. I don't know if I can make a good living at what I do unless I sell my dreams and other aspirations to do it. That would include any possibility of a family in the future. I don't want that. Work for me has never been the ends to my means. For many people, that's all fine and good. They are in love enough with what they do for it to pacify and satisfy them for the rest of their lives. For me, work is a means to achieve other ends. In Africa, Godwin met with me separately and said something that still sticks in my head. He said that you must be right with three things in life to be truly happy. First you must be right with God above all others. Second, you must be right with your wife. Third, you must be right with your work. If you fail at any one of these things, the other two will begin to slip. I want work that I can do and do well, but I can't allow it to command more of me than the other two. So where do I find a job like that in my field of study. The more and more I study it, the less and less of an idea I have. It seems almost impossible.

Am I worried about exams right now? Not really. My future is more of a concern to me now than any of that. I know that it will all work out, but how much effort will I have to put into it and how much will God provide? I don't want to miss any opportunities because of pride, laziness, or distraction. That kind of sharp focus is the pressure I feel, which leads me back to why I can't speak intelligently right now. Peace and love.