The Two Roads That Seperate With Progress

I have a choice... To live a normal life with a decent house, a wife, kids, a sturdy job, and benefits? Or... to live out a life where from one moment to the next there is no comfort and no certainty, no sturdy roof over my head and a goal that seems almost impossible to reach?

I'm fairly close to making my decision.

Pretty Bored

It's a Saturday night and I'm on duty. Not only that, but I initially forgot about it. I had my night all planned out and it was going to be pretty fun... but then I got the fatefull call... "Where are you?" I hate it when I forget about duty. So I came back to campus and buckled down for the long haul. Pembroke closed an hour early today because somebody thought it would be funny to turn a trashcan in the hallway up-side down. Hugo saw it and simply cancled visitation. That's cool. A little extra work for me, but whatever. I've made it to 1 o'clock though... so yay me. I haven't been this bored in a LONG time, but I survived!

Today was a great lazy day. The sky was cloudy, it was about 72 degrees, and windy. I slept in as late as I felt like and then went to the house to get my lunch. After lunch, Viking and I rode bikes for about 12 miles. We went to Centennial Park and rode around a few times and then rode to Belmont and then back to the house. It brought to my senses a freedom that I haven't experienced in a while. Sure it was hard work, but the wind in my hair well made up for it. Sometims all I think I need for life is a small cottage on the coast, a bike, a guitar, and a paper and pen... oh, and maybe some food and water! When I got back to the house I sat on the porch for a while in the rocking chair and listened to peaceful music while I watched the wind blow through the trees and the rain slowly fall. Over all, a very satisfying day. Oh yeah! I also got a date for the formal on tuesday. Pretty pumped about that I must say.

So right now I'm watching TV. There's a commercial on selling a product called Urine-Gone. Wow... thanks. I think I have a new favorite TV show though. It's called Banzai and it come on G4. It's a ridiculous Japanese show that makes stupid bets on crazy events and sees what happens. For one of the bets, they were taking wadgers on how many balloons it would take to fly a chicken. With 90 balloons the chicken took off and they didn't even try to stop it. They watched proudly as it rose into the sky. I'm in that kind of mood right now. I've been laughing histarically for a good while. It feels good.

Well... nothin else to say, so Peace and Love.

All of it Shining Through

God answers prayer. I think I'm officially hired as an employee of Towne Park valet service for the summer. I'm glad because a lot of my friends are going to be working there, so it should be a good experience. But I'm still trying to sort though my mind these days, getting all the clutter out and filling it back up with clarity of some kind. It's rough though. I'm still having a hard time talking straight. Even driving has been an extra difficult task as of late. My future keeps bothering me, and I wish I could just let it go. I don't want to waste my life by worrying about tomorrow all of the time. I want to be greatful for the time I have now.

I ran sound tonight for two pretty good bands tonight. I can't remember the second act's name, but he played acoustic guitar and wrote great lyrics. It motivated me for a moment or two to become the kind of lyricist he was. I want to write that kind of inspiring music. I mean it's really hard for me to go to a show and actually enjoy it, especially if the music is cliche Christian, but he was that rare jewel. I enjoyed his music and the lyrics and they didn't seem cliche at all. It reached into my soul sort of the way music used to before I moved to Nashville. That's one of the reasons I want to leave when I graduate. My love of music has been tied to a chair and beaten to lifelessness for the past three years. I want to play for people who can take joy in what my heart produces. I want to sing to people who can get lost in it. That's hard to find in a city of competing musicians. I don't even sit in the solitude of my room and play for myself anymore. I've lost all motivation. But whenever I leave I'm filled with it again. I get all of these great ideas and new lyrics sloshing over the brim of my brain. It's hard to contain.

Tonight was the last floor meeting that I will lead in Pembroke. Soon all of the residents will be moving out and then me, but this time for good. It will be hard. I'll see my home of three years every day until I graduate, but it won't be the same. The people who will live here won't know who I am or care. It will move on without me, but that's a part of life, I suppose, that we all must adjust to. Uncertainty comes next. I should have fun with it like I did when I was a kid. I loved uncertainty. But somewhere along the way I found it convenient to be stressed over uncertainty. It's not convenient, it's stupid. The root of it must be malcontent. I don't want to be a malcontent. Peace and love.

Words

Words... I go through these bizarre phases where I'm just awkward at communication. My mind gets cluttered and I have so much to say, but I just get all jumbled up when I try to say it.

Right now I'm enduring a lot of pressure from reality. It's getting later in the year and I'll be here all summer. I've got my housing squared away, but I still haven't got my hands around another job for income. I've got lots of money I need to make this summer. And wow, I just realized that this is the last summer I'll ever have as a student. After this, I'll be a professional with year-round responsibility to my career.

My career. What career? "What do I want to do when I graduate?" I'm pretty sure that every college student is faced with that question at this point in their education. I just don't know yet. Right now all I'm concerned about is some decent and steady income that I can use to pay off my student loans. I don't even care if it's in my field of study. Speaking of my field of study, I'm afraid I'll have to come to an ultimatum. I don't know if I can make a good living at what I do unless I sell my dreams and other aspirations to do it. That would include any possibility of a family in the future. I don't want that. Work for me has never been the ends to my means. For many people, that's all fine and good. They are in love enough with what they do for it to pacify and satisfy them for the rest of their lives. For me, work is a means to achieve other ends. In Africa, Godwin met with me separately and said something that still sticks in my head. He said that you must be right with three things in life to be truly happy. First you must be right with God above all others. Second, you must be right with your wife. Third, you must be right with your work. If you fail at any one of these things, the other two will begin to slip. I want work that I can do and do well, but I can't allow it to command more of me than the other two. So where do I find a job like that in my field of study. The more and more I study it, the less and less of an idea I have. It seems almost impossible.

Am I worried about exams right now? Not really. My future is more of a concern to me now than any of that. I know that it will all work out, but how much effort will I have to put into it and how much will God provide? I don't want to miss any opportunities because of pride, laziness, or distraction. That kind of sharp focus is the pressure I feel, which leads me back to why I can't speak intelligently right now. Peace and love.

Diet Change

I'm running out of campus money for food and I don't have much money coming in from work anymore as the end of the year is upon us, so in the transition period between now and when I find a job, I am altering my diet. I was so intrigued by how the complete sushi meal made me feel over spring break that I'm moving in that direction. Though I can't make sushi for myself (yet) I'm going to work on fixing rice and ginger salads, ramen (of course) and then I might get around to fixing up some sushi if I have the time. It'll be fun. Right now for instance, I just finished the rigorous process of making sticky rice. It's not perfect but it's pretty dang close to restaurant style. I'll be writing down my mistakes at some point. I'm also going to try to learn how to make okonomayaki from Matt's brother-in-law. That was some good eats right there too. Well... I'm out for the night. Peace and love.

Salem, Virginia

Went to Virginia for break with Matt being that it was his 21st birthday this weekend. We stayed with his sister and brother-in-law, having good times and doing lots of Japanese things. I really needed something like that. It was refreshing not only to see a different landscape for a while, but also to see a healthy relationship between newlyweds for an extended period of time. Exposure to such people has brought me closer and closer to relinquishing my fears of marriage.

The drive was nice too. It's good to be with a friend who you can be closed up with for long durations of time and not have to say anything to in order to maintain a relaxed atmosphere. Matt is a good friend for both his conversation and his silence. I think we are like-minded in that characteristic. Anyways, I would like to say that I sat and pondered several deep theological ideas with all that free time, but truth be told, I really didn't think about anything for a long long time. It was good for me. It was a means to clear my head. The sun was shining, the flowers along the road were blooming, and all seemed peaceful.

I've had my share of dreams for the past few days though. Some of them weird, some showing events in the future that probably won't happen (thank God), and some of them displaying deep wounds from the past that seemed to work their way into my subconscious. I have so many vivid dreams. I remember so many of them too. I like that though. It's easy to convince yourself of who you are contrary to what you really know, but dreams often have a way of forcign you into being truthful with yourself. There are some things that I haven't finished dealing with no matter what I tell myself.

Well, I don't know what else to say. I have a lot to get organized before I go off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a pretty busy day too. Peace and love.

Pain... The Good Kind

Let's get this out of the way. I hurt pretty bad right now, but it's all good. I played a lot of frisbee yesterday and did some tumbling in the park. It turned out to be a gorgeous day. I did land on my head once though while doing an insane frisbee catch. It jared me pretty good so my neck is soar. My legs also hurt and I have some gashes in my shins. On top of that, I just played a game of ultimate with an actual league from Vanderbilt with Viking and Matt. It was good fun and I didn't realize how good I actually was. I'm going to pay for it in the morning though. That's for sure. Oh, and by the way, we won. I had one score and one assist.

Saturday was when my family came to visit. It was alot of fun and, though the time was short, we all had a pretty good time, even though the showcase was postponed. I gave the city tour and then we went to Elliston's Soda Shop for lunch. After that, we went on more tour and then back to the house. Matt and Stuffy had the great idea of playing some music out on the porch. Matt grabbed lots of drum toys, Stuffy had the guitar, I grabbed the mandolin, and Viking played his djimbe. It was good fun. Even the neighbors came out to listen. My mom and sister cooked everybody a huge fried chicken dinner. We're still eating the leftovers from that. I even got a cake for my birthday. Sunday we all went to my church. Everyone really liked it which was encouraging to me. We then went to the traditional Sir Pizza for lunch and then my folks left. Again, it was really good to see everybody. That was the first time my entire family has been to Nashville.

The best news I've had all day is that I think I'm going to end up graduating in a four year plan like I'm supposed to. I find out for sure tomorrow if I even have to take summer courses. Let's keep our fingers crossed on that one.

So yeah, I feel pretty good this week. It's only a three day week too, so that'll be great. Oh yeah, and sorry my writing was so juvenile tonight. I think the hit to my head yesterday has me really mixed up and uncreative. I hope you all are doing well. Peace and love.

Again... already?

Well... here it is again. A birthday. I guess I'm hitting that period now where I don't really like my birthday anymore. It just reminds me of how old I am getting and how much there is that I haven't had time to accomplish yet. I don't really have anything age wise to look forward to except for maybe car insurance reduction. Reflections get harder too. There are more mistakes in my past each year that make it hard to see the good things. I can't really help but reflect about life these days.

I guess the only thing I want this year is for some sort of door to open up. I don't really care what kind of door... unless of course it's the bathroom door or any other generic door that I use on a daily basis... but I guess there could be something cool waiting behind any of those doors at any given point... except for the bathroom door... I don't even really care if I find love. Seems like lots of guys are sulking these days because they don't have anyone to hold or talk to, but I just don't care anymore. I gave it a whirl a few weeks ago against my own will just to see if I could get motivated, but all it did was remind me of just why I don't do that sort of thing. I'm content being single. I just don't think that there's anything a relationship could do for me at this point. In fact, I'll make a safe resolution which goes against my previous nature. By this time next year I will feel the same.

But a door. Maybe motivation would be nice. Maybe a goal would be nice. I was thinking today and I really just don't have any of those things. I wake up each morning with one thing in mind. I have to make it to the end of the day without forgetting anything too important.

Man, I'm hungry. I'm out. Peace and love.

Clean

My session that I was supposed to attend today was cancled, and I didn't find out until 8 o'clock this morning when I was already up and dressed to go. I would have enjoyed the experience, but it was sort of a blessing to have the day off. Last night I wrote a lot about the decisions I'm having to make all within the next two weeks, but I ended up deleting. Having the day off really gave me the opportunity to get those decisions squared away... atleast most of them.

At about two o'clock, I headed over to the house to give it a major overhaul. That place was filthy, so I tucked in my shirt, cracked my knuckles, and gave it a good spit-shinin. It took me most of the day and still doesn't look fabulous, but it definitaly looks better than before. It was satisfying work. I like doing something where you can stand back and immediately see the results.

So now I'm tired and my back hurts. My back has been hurting alot lately. The nurse told me to take some aleive or something, but I don't like medicine. I'm too lazy. I know it's weird but I won't take medicine unless I am suffering way more than I can stand.

Oh, I can't wait to see what they are going to do with parking over the next few days. Half of campus is blocked off for an event that is five days away (or something close to that). As if parking wasn't bad enough already. I'm tempted to not drive for a while, but I know that's not possible.

Ahhh... that's it. It's that time of year for me to upgrade my screen name... I wonder if anyone can guess what it is?

Well, that's it for tonight. I'm gettin some sleep a little earlier. Peace and love.

The Front Porch and the Storm

What a day today has been. Do you ever have one of those days where you are rudely awakened by all of the responsibilities you have been putting off and putting off?... That day was today for me. Tshhh... What am I talking about? I can be so shallow sometimes. What I really want to talk about is what I felt today. What did I observe? Talking about responsibility is a given. I shouldn't have to write about it because everybody can probably rest assured that the average college student is very busy.

Church was good this morning. You know what I hate about Sunday though? I hate that it's the only day where I really get down and focus completely on God. Sunday shouldn't be the only spiritually refreshing day of the week for me. But here I am before you, a man easily distracted by meaningless crap. I talked with my mentor after church though and we're probably going to meet sometime this week. That'll be nice. I need someone to challenge me head on. I've been thinking a lot about challenge lately. I don't have too much meaningful challenge here. It's mostly task oriented and by doing it I might become a skilled coordinator or businessman, but that's not really what is important to me. I've always been curious as to what my full potential is. I mean what is my absolute maximum potential? I already know that I am capable of so much, but I am nowhere near what I could be. I know that for sure. Each day is an opportunity to learn more and develop more, but if I am not careful and use the wisdom that God has given me, I believe that it can be very easy to regress and get comfortable in being simple and mediocre. I need a challenge to keep my head above water.

Speaking of water, this evening was quite relaxing. I spent most of it sitting on the front porch at the house with Viking and Matt just watching the rain fall and the lightning peal through the sky. Some of it got pretty close, but I was too relaxed to even jump in my seat. It was a nice warm rain, something that has always been pleasing to me because it makes its own music unlike that of winter rain. Winter rain tends to trickle and pierce through your skin into your soul. Warm rain pacifies me. I think it's because when I was younger I used to watch it rain really hard from the old screen door in the kitchen. There was a tall oak tree a very short distance away that used to sway violently in the wind and its leaves made a shush sound when it rained or stormed. I used to call it "the barkley tree" because it looked like broccoli, only I couldn't say broccoli at that age. Anyways, I liked it then and I like it now.

New news next door to the house. Some girls our age moved in, and though I haven't talked to them yet, they seem nice. So that's that.

Finally I'm sorta lost as to how I should feel right now. It has been exactly a year since I was out on the soccer field praying that God would spare the life of my friend Phillip Schrum. He was hit by a car while jogging at home on his spring break. I was in a recording session when I found out down in studio A. I remember how helpless I felt. I remember being out there on the soccer field and when I came back in Colleen called me to go over and calm down Ivy Lee. She knew Phillip from high school. She had heard that Phillip was dead and was frantic, but I had a different source that said he wasn't, so I assured her that he was doing better and that she should go back to sleep and that I would call her if anything happened. When I got back to my room I called my parents and they said everything was stable so I went to sleep and as soon as I closed my eyes my phone rang again. It was what I thought. I didn't cry though. I just got really angry and punched a door and then went into the quad and dry-heaved in the grass. Chubbs was there. I tried to go back to my room and sleep after that, but I couldn't, so I packed up my things, jumped into my car, and drove home. It was seven hours and I decided to stop off and pick up Andy in Ashville because that's on the way and all. Both our dads came and met us there and drove us the rest of the way, but I still didn't cry. When I got home I slept for around 18 hours and when I woke up I just didn't feel like it was all real. We went to church to prepare the music for the memorial service and I still didn't feel like it was real. I remember trying to cry, but I couldn't. The next day was the funeral and the service. Before the funeral, we went to the house and I went to his room and sat on his bed and just thought for a while. At the funeral is when I cried, and I cried, I really let go. I hadn't cried for four years before that. I had a lot to let go of. There's nothing in this world like standing in front of a casket with one of your close friends in it. I cried at the service too, before the music started. When we had to play, I played and I was pretty dry until the last song. It was like God had given me the strength to get through it, but then He took it at the last moment as if to say that it was His and not mine. I broke down behind stage.

So it has been a year since then. I don't know how I feel right now. I feel like I should be mourning, but I don't remember how. I haven't cied since. There hasn't seemed to be anything worth crying about since then. I can't say too much though. I'm not much of a crier. Well, I'm going to pack up my stuff and head back to my room. I'm done working now, but I think I'll get started on my project for Tuesday. Peace and love.

Hard to do the Right Thing

The show tonight was amazing and I felt really good about the band's performance. After that I went to the house and did a little bit of fire breathing. I remember now why it is that I don't do that anymore. It used to be exciting, but now it's just harmful. But right now I've crawled into one of those deep trains of thought. The subject at the moment is "doing the right thing" and how hard it is sometimes. I think that sometimes I get lazy or impatient and it brings me to desire the "easy way out", which often causes someone else to suffer. It is not my place to make another person suffer, even if it seems justifiable in my eyes. More often than not my eyes don't see too well anyways. So I did what I had to do tonight, even though I possibly could have used the opportunity and manipulated it and pulled some fleeting opportunity out of it. I'm waiting now for the peace to set in.

And so I guess I could just sit here and think about all of the things that I have to do before Monday. Worry worry worry. I'm tired of worrying. I miss not worrying about anything. God has this funny way of taking care of things on their own. Sure, you should work hard to accomplish your goals, but worrying about their fruition is not going to increase the chance of success. I need a massage. My back hurts from all my worries. It's getting worse and worse these days. I find myself having sharp pain when I bend down. I'm only 22. That's not old enough to be feeling "old pains" yet.

Sometimes I just long to slow down and breath. I realize that I work so hard to get through a day, and when it is all said and done with, I can only look back and wish that I hadn't been so careless with the time. I've had it good, but I was in such a hurry that I didn't realize it until much later.

I look forward to sleep tonight. I've been having a series of good dreams lately. They're the really interesting and vivid kind. Two nights ago, in a dream, I watched a tornado slowly form in the sky while standing on a pier on a harbor over rough waters. Sometimes I wonder what it all means, if anything. But most of the time I just sit back and enjoy them. Hope you are blessed with good dreams tonight. Me? I'm going to shut up and hit the pillows. Peace and love.