I stand (or rather sit) here today a partially refreshed man. I've been seeking out serenity where ever I may find it, and some of it is working for the better. I got away from campus last night and spent most of it hanging out with Matt. We watched several episodes from our little tv series dvd set trying to catch up with the other guys so we can all watch it together. We also did a little bit of talking as to the drama that has been floating around Pembroke lately. But Chubbs, Burly, and Fire (Jen)came around later in the evening and we did some hanging out together. It was nice and relaxing... well... all except for the hot wings. See, whenever someone puts hot wings in front of me, I must eat them. It doesn't matter if they're too hot for me, I just love them so much that I'll try to ignore the pain and eat them anyways. Well... Chubbs brought back some hot wings that were too hot for even him to eat, so I decided to snack on a few... Let's just say that I felt it around noon today. Oh, and Viking also called from VA, where he was traveling for his brother's wedding. He told us that he made it in all right, and we passed the phone around to talk to him. It was nice. But later, after everyone else went to bed, I had this weird experience where I opened up to Fire and told her the story of my failed relationship, which is ultimately why I don't find Belmont girls appealing. I've always been left on a hanger with that situation, never feeling completely resolved. So she gave me some advice. She told me that I should write a letter explaining how I felt because I had nothing to loose. So... I did. I don't expect a response honestly, I never expect a response from that girl, but I feel good about writing it reguardless.
And going back to reitterate on the part where I stated the reason as to why I'm not attracted to Belmont girls... I can't start to think that they would ever be as epic as what I have experienced. Everything about me and this girl was epic, or atleast I took it to be. So much amazing circumstance happened in that relationship that I just can't explain, and I've grown so much as a result of it. But I can't ever see a girl topping that. How can a girl ever meet me like that? How can a girl ever attain so many desireable attributes as that? How can a girl captivate my heart like that? These are all questions that I hope have an answer... because if they don't... I fear that I will never desire anything else but that of the unattainable. That is my fear now. Last year it was that I feared I would never meet the right girl despite my tireless efforts, but this year my fear is that I will never meet the right girl because I don't want to look for her anymore. I'm content with being me and functioning the way I function (a concept that I have explained in previous journals)I look at the most beautiful women now and I feel nothing. There is something missing, and that something, I now know, is an epic presence. I've even had beautiful women try to gain my attention and affection, but I'm not the slightest bit interested because there's nothing to fight for. But then the girls that are out there that out of the random chance MIGHT attract me, I don't persue them either because I'm tired of fighting. But even beyond that, if the girl who played such an epic role in my life before even came back now, I fear I wouldn't even see anything there either. Now, considering my past feelings, that's a big deal. And that, friends, is why I am scared.
But moving on to better things. I had a session tonight that I engineered. It was with Matt and Aaron on drums and bass. It went pretty well, and now that I've worked that console (with exactly 6480 buttons) it doesn't seem nearly as intimidating as it did before. I just need a few more sessions on it and I think I'll be alright. Other than that, the guys and I have been talking, and we think we might form a band. It's still in the works as to who will play, when, where, and what, but everything made to be great has a simple beginning.
And so this is life as of now. Not quite as chaotic as it was turning out to be on Monday, but I'm finally in a valley for the time being. And if I were to continue this metaphor (which I will) I would go on to say that the mountain to be climed is slowly coming into view, but I'm not going to look at it. I'm going to enjoy the metaphorical flowers, pleasant sunlight, gurgling brooks, and soft dirt around me. I hope you are feeling well, doing well, and learning well. Have a blessed day. Peace and love.
P.S. I'm now wearing my new longjohns!!!
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Hey, it's me... err, I mean, you, only five years in the future. You still have those longjohns, and they've come in handy from time to time, so take care of them.
ReplyDeleteYou get over Becca in another year or so. You hardly think about her now-a-days, but sometimes you still do. It's not the same though. There's no despair or longing, just curiosity and wonder. Don't take your innocence for granted. I think you feel bitter about it, but if you go down that road, things will get bumpy. They have. Part of the reason you got over Becca was by the help of a girl named Lindsay. She was bad news. You are recovering, but you have some new scars from it, serious ones, not like Becca. Face it, you were young and curious with her. You knew what you were doing with Lindsay. She leaves you because you realize this and begin to show it. You become distant, and she protects herself from the impending pain you would cause her if she stuck around.
You're still single now. Lindsay happens in two years, leaves six months later. I'm about two years later from that point. You've got potential though. You don't know much about life yet, but you're headed into a storm of it soon. Stay curious and flexible. Don't get too frustrated when things don't work out as you had envisioned right off the bat.