It Comes and Goes

I don't know why I'm writing right now. It just happens every once in a while I guess, this feeling I get. I've been doing relatively well the past few weeks, and I haven't much reason to complain. It's just that I remember stuff at awkward times. This year I have done well at putting my desires for a relationship behind me. Most of the time I'm satisfied with being single and free, and the memories of the pains of a relationship are at the forefront of my mind. That being said, girls come and go and draw little attention from me. Maybe I should rephraze that by saying "most" girls. But then comes those times where I remember what love feels like and how much I'm missing out. That's where I'm at right now. But going back to most girls... It doesn't matter how attractive a girl seems to me. Attraction helps, but it's not all that counts. I see amazing looking women walking around campus all the time, but they don't have "it". "It" is what I've come to know as this essense a woman caries around her that is specifically attractive to me. It's not something I can see or feel, but I know when "it" is there. The girls I've dated in the past had "it" but then ended up not having other compatabilites. The problem I run into now though is that there might be one out of hundreds of girls who posses "it". Now I've met a few here at Belmont, but most of them are taken. Guys say to me "why not still try, you don't know her boyfriend." No, I don't know her boyfriend, but I've been hurt as the result of a the type of guy I COULD be before, so I refuse to put any human being through that. And then there are the girls who aren't taken. Well, I've taken a step back to analyze how relationships start. They generally start in friend environments, and that is where the problem lies. I'm a pretty open guy when it comes to hanging out with people, but most of my closer friends aren't. They are very selective and have no tolerance for people who aren't extraordinarily similar to them. That being said, the only girls we DO ever hang out with are nice girls n all, but I probably wouldn't date any of them. Now I would never negate the fact that my friends love me, and likewise, but the type of girls that I do like and that posess the "it" quality aren't really liked too much by my friends, and visa-versa. To put it shortly, I'm never in an environment where I could meet those kinds of girls. I want purity, I want compassion, I want insight, and I want a beautiful girl that loves the Lord, also, someone who can get offended. See, I'm not an easily offendable person which is why I think it's so easy for me to make friends, but I need balance. I think it would be good for me to be with someone who did get offended by certain things because sometimes I honestly think I should be offended by stuff that often times passes undetected. Here's what will have to happen if I'm to find a girl like that at Belmont. Either most of my friends will have a change in prefference of girls, something miraculous will happen and it won't matter what the environment is like, or I just won't find a girl while I'm in college. See, I used to meet most of the girls I liked at church, but a popular view among some of my friends is that church, and all girls that go to it, are the shallow snobby biggots. That's not true and I know this because I've been to several churches and I've seen all kinds. But it's so hard to get involved in church here with such a busy schedule already, otherwise I probably wouldn't have a problem. Man, all of this stuff is making my head hurt. I'm just going to have to be satisfied with a plate full of "it's not time yet" and go to bed. Peace and love.

The Cold Sets In

Mondays are generally viewed as bleak days in our society, and though I do believe that a day is whatever you put into it, sometimes I'm tempted to share society's bitterness towards the first workday of the week. This morning I awoke grogilly as usual, threw on some cloths that I had set aside last night, and scurried off to class. As soon as my pale morning skin hit the air, I knew in my very inner being, that it was indeed Monday. It was the coldest day to mark this semester. The clouds overcast the sky, and all this coupled with being earlier than I would like. Class was slow and my eyes felt like they do when you just wake up, all stiff and soar in their exposure to air. But instead of wearing off in a few minutes like that feeling usually does, it decided to stay for another two hours. After class ended, I walked past the bell tower to get my usual hot biscuit and orange juice from the food court. This was the perfect time for the bells to play a dark song if they were ever going to... and they did. It was a familiar tune, though I don't remember the name, that was suppose to be happy but I swear those bells only play in a minor scale. But I found that ironically funny and actually had a good laugh about it as I headed in to get breakfast. Inside, however, I found that they were completely sold out of biscuits and that all they had left were sandwhiches, cups of assorted vegetables, and ice cream. This disheartened me and I turned to head back to my room. Once here I made my way quickly back to bed and enjoyed my three hour nap immensly. Feeling productive once I woke up, I took a shower and changed the crappy curtain on my favorite stall with a better one from a stall that no one ever uses. I also did a class audit to find out how many credit hours I need to graduate. Well this is where Monday fought back. Turns out that my curriculum has changed and I owe Belmont another 9 credit hours before I can get out of here, mostly of gen-ed. This makes me sad because instead of taking the classes that will help me the most, I have to take "well rounded" nonsense like ANOTHER Spanish class, art appreciation, ANOTHER history, and TWO more physics courses than I had initially planned. I'm not defeated, but it's one more thing that I have to get worked out.

Work was fine. I went and spent most of the time discussing with Chubbs just how much starting a studio would cost. It ain't cheap, but I'll just have to work my way up from the bottom. Related to that, I got to ask two engineers today, a guy that worked with Jimmy Hendrix, and the engineer for Dark Side of the Moon, about where they started. They told me that they started at rock bottom and they just had to work their way up to the top. That was encouraging because I'm pretty much at rock bottom, but I'm hopeful and I have drive. Matt and I actually discussed the possibilities of starting our own business and just how we might achieve that. I'm starting to get a little excited to be quite honest, but though the reward is sweet, it's still a long and arduous road.

Right now I scroll down my buddy list to see all of my friends' away messages talking about sleep. Some seem to have changed so much since I knew them last, some dream of their love, some have broken hearts, and some have nothing insightful to say at all... like me. I really do love thermal underwear. Peace and love.

Think Ahead

I haven't written in a while, and I suspect that's because I haven't had much to say lately. It's been another one of those weeks that you just float through I suppose, but this weekend has yielded me some time to think, and for that I am greatful. I'm a little curious right now as to what I'm going to do when I get out of here... Belmont that is. I know I have aspirations to start my own business, but where do I begin? It's an intimidating subject, especially considering the fact that it's music business, and starting anything in music business is difficult. I think I need to talk to people that have actually opened up their own studios or record labels. I need to see what their advice is. But reguardless, I want to do it just to say that I tried. It's in my blood, the entreprenurial spirit. If I fail, I can do something else, but I want to give it my all. First off, I gotta think location. Sure Nashville is a great place, but do I want to live here for the rest of my life? But then again, I talked to a guy who owns his own record label and he said that at first he tried opening up in South Carolina, but he just couldn't sell there because there wasn't NEAR enough talent. But here, not only do you have a huge pot of talent to pick from, but also the credeblility of having a label in Nashville. I also have to wrestle with the issue of leaving all of my friends behind if I were to leave, starting a new life somewhere else all alone... again. I suppose I could do it if I had to, but it's not on the front burner of my desires. So that's just the decision of location. Then there's always the big bite which is cost. The music business costs TONS of money. The mixer in the basement alone costs around $500,000. That's just the mixer. That's not considering the building, the mics (which can cost up to $5,000 or sometimes even more a piece), and all other miscilaneous equipment. I don't want to be paying off loans for the rest of my life, because if I were to fail, I would be left to deal with the bill on TOP of my private life expenses.

So that has been on my mind. Not to say that my aspirations are hindered at all, but they are intimidated. It's sort of like when you walk into a broken down room that's a HUGE mess with the task of not only making it spotless, but making it beautiful as well. You pan from the left to right to make an assessment and then you just get overwhelmed as to where you should start.

I'm also wrestless because I still want to do something exciting and wreckless, but my situation does not permit it.

I need to take up reading. I've hated reading my entire life, but I feel like if I could learn to be patient enough, I would benefit not only in knowledge, but in a calm character as well.

I take joy in a realization I made this week though. I have realized that I'm not that tourmented soul that drug himself across campus every day last year. Considering the situation, I'm really alot less burdoned this year than both my freshman year AND sophomore year. I still face my problems which, relatively speaking, still seem pretty difficult, but in the long run... not really. I just need to stay out of trouble.

But speaking of which, an interesting sub-point in the sermon this morning caught my attention. He said that guys get so emotionally overwhelmed that they just turn off their emotions completely. That's something I do alot I've found. I don't get emotional about stuff because with just about everything I can just hit the off button. Mitch pointed that out to me the other day. He said it must be nice to not get stirred up about anything, to which I replied "No... it's really not." He said that he can tell when he's talking to me and when he's just talking to a Nathan shell. I've never really liked that about myself, but again... where to begin?

Related to that, I was thinking about what makes things beautiful and I came up with an opinionative answer. In order to see beauty, you have to have experienced ugly, otherwise beauty is simply what you have been told. It sort of came to my attention when I heard a guy singing John Lennon's "Imagine". I said that it was a song of hopelessness and Mitch corrected me saying that it was just the opposite. Thinking about it though, I concluded that we were both wrong. It's a song of meaninglessness. The only reason peace seems so pretty is because we live in ugly. If everything were peaceful and perfect, where would meaning be found. There would be no beautiful if everything were beautiful, there would just be ordinary. This is just a reaffirmation to me that everything indeed does work for the Glory of God. All of man's actions gives us just a glimpse of either who God is or who God isn't. Beauty and Ugly. Peace and love.

Break is Over

I find that on long drives I have very strange ways at keeping myself entertained. I thank God for making me unique... and I'm just going to leave it at that. The trip home was a long one, but adventurous as I did something I had never done before. Spend the night behind a gas station? Check that off the list! Matt and I were going to convoy with eachother until we hit Ashville, which is pretty close to being half way for both of us. But more than that, we were going to drop in on Andy and suprise him, HOWEVER it was getting fairly late once we got to Knoxville, so I figured I'd give him a little heads up. The converstation sounded a bit like this

-Me "Hey Andy, how's it going?"
-Andy "WOW, how'd you get this number?!?" (the phone I called was the cell phone of the guy sitting next to him... how I got it is my little secret)
-Me "It's a long story, but hey, what are you doing tonight?"
-Andy "I'm on fall break actually."
-Me "... ... Really?" (slightly discouraged)
-Andy "Yeah."
-Me "So are you home?"
-Andy "Nope."
-Me "Where are you?" (slightly hopeful)
-Andy "I'm on my way to Mississippi to help with hurricane relief!"
-Me "Uh... ... ... That's great! ... ... uh..."

I then went into lengths trying to tell him what I had planned and then giving him a backup plan as to what we were planning on doing anyways if he wasn't there. So then I called Matt who was driging behind me.

-Matt "HYELLO"
-Me "Hey Matt... Guess what."
-Matt "What?"
-Me "...Nevermind... So how do you feel about sleeping behind a gas station tonight?"
-Matt "Okay... sounds fun." (he got it before I said it. Luckily I was traveling with Matt... I fear anyone else would have demanded a hotel room)

So we pulled off in a little speck town and purchased some trail mix and water, filled up our tanks, and pulled into the back of the station and set camp... in my car. It was slightly cramped, but not TOO bad. I folded down the seat and we both put our legs down to the trunk and made pillows out of our spare cloths. I cracked the windows a bit for circulation, and we did our best to sleep with a huge Days Inn sign above our heads from next door just taunting us. Even it's florescents hummed as if to say "Don't you wish you had a real job? Then you could afford to stay here instead of in that small car." I did manage to convince myself that the humming was just exotic crickets... but my body COULDN'T accept that hard car seat. It was as if my body suddenly became super sensative. I could NOT get comfortable no matter how hard I tried. Eventually I wound up completely in the trunk all curled, finally falling asleep... But then... it began to rain. So I leaped up, turned on the car, and closed the windows... However, I could not find my comfortable position again. So I tossed and turned, paying attention to every passing car because who KNOWS what kind of a town we're in. I eventually just got in the front seat and fell asleep sprawled across the emergency break and shifter. We woke up and headed out the next morning at about 5:30.

I'll try and talk about the rest tomorrow. Now it is time for bed. Peace and love.

Relax?

I'm in my slightly more than cluttered room right now late at night. The room is only slightly lit by a sink florescent a few feet diagonal left from me. I hate florescent lights. The air gets humid in here from time to time, and I've yet to figure out why, but it makes the room seem more like a cellar rather than my home. But the clutter, as I've mentioned before, is a direct result of mental clutter. I've been so busy doing so many things, that I haven't had time to sit down and regroup, but it's not so bad. I'm probably going to take care of it all tomorrow.

But today was as eventful as days get around here. I ended up applying for Live Sound, Studio Recording Techniques, and Studio Maintenance classes today with Matt. We also officially switched majors to Audio Engineering Technologies from Music Business, though our classes have been shaped around the AET major for a while now. I also went to get phaze two of my physical complete at Vanderbilt today. It was all fine until... let's just say "cough cough"... and leave it at that.

After that "fun" little routine I went over to the appartments and studied Intellectual Properties with Adam for our big exam. After a while I just get to a certain point where I don't care anymore how I do. I go in knowing that I'll do the best I can and that I know if I do bad, I can recover, and I just take it. It was eight pages of short answer questions, and I didn't really do all that well, but whatever. I have time to recover and I'm not worried because for the past 14 years of my education, I have never failed my standards (which are a little higher than an F).

I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with Chubbs. He's been working himself to death lately and he really needs to get some rest, but he won't. He loves his job too much. It was a rough day for him though. I walked in the studio and there was cartage and equipment set up in what seemed like mountains. Whatever they did today was HUGE, but it sounded good according to the rough mixes Chubbs was working on. We then went to dinner and then went back to the Pembroke House to work on the stuff I recorded last Saturday. I was pleased with it, though it is nowhere NEAR the quality of a professional. I was just excited to get a good sound off of 70% of the drum kit. Once I get a method down for that, the rest should be simple. But I'm learning all sorts of stuff through my own studio time and the internship. I'm excited about that.

Right now I feel pretty calm. I was thinking about my future a little bit today, but then I decided to change my thoughts. I don't really want to think about my future right now. I've got too many things that need my attention here and now rather than off in the distance. I have faith that God will make all that happen without me and my clumsy efforts. But I feel good. I'm glad that things are the way they are right now, even though they are a little bit difficult. After all, I do so love a challenge. I'm also glad that I don't have anybody "special" in my life. Maybe that's because I've never had a good experience, but whenever I think about it, or see other couples walking around and holding hands... I get this sick feeling in my stomach. Could it be that I have joined the ranks of Everyman? Could I be afraid of committment? All I must say is WHO CARES! Life is good. Hope you are doing well. Peace and love.

Learn More

I've been in this relaxed and reflective mood all day. It's the kind of mood you have when you feel like everything is all right, even if it isn't. I've been a bit more introspective this weekend than usual and I found some interesting things. I found something that I need to work on: Personal expression. If I don't want to talk about something personal, and someone wants to really really bad, I can loose my temper pretty quick. It's not a very positive quality, I must say. I think it springs from the fear of me being soft and not standing my ground. I do that from time to time. Or it can also be related to pride. I remember last year I said something I shouldn't have to this girl and she got upset and she wanted to talk about it, but I was pretty hurt to begin with, and I didn't want to face her... So like a coward I sat there next to my phone while it rang and rang and rang and I didn't answer it. I just sat there and played my guitar. That's about the lowest form of cowardice I've resorted to. I did eventually talk to her though, but the damage was already done. It would have been ten times better if I had just based up and talked to her.

The other thing I was pondering was hate and social analasys. I can look at people and make a quick analasys of their character by how they dress, how they carry themselves, their voice projection, and who they keep close to them. More often than not, this suprisigly ends up pretty accurate. But here's where social analasys gets tricky. It's easy to analyze someone you don't know. See, the more you know someone, the more complex analasys becomes. There are so many factors involved and so many causes that you might or might not be aware of. All of the sudden you're not dealing with just an object that serves no more than a mere stage prop. You're dealing with a human being relatable to yourself. This all ties into hate. You can hate someone walking by on the street. That's easy. That's why you find that serial killers are more often than not, sociopaths. They lack the social development of the concept of other people as being a reality. But to hate someone you deeply know... that takes something else. You know why they behave the way they do and you feel a sort of empathy for them. So we hate what we don't know because in essence we fear it. It is unpredictable as to its influence on our way of life. Marie Curie is attributed with once saying that "Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood." An interestind and applicable concept indeed.

So now I face another week. It is only a half week as Fall Break is just around the corner. Speaking of Fall, the weather has cooled down wonderfully. I'm enjoying the coolness. I just want to sit outside by a fire and ponder things for a while sometimes. But on campus that's a little less than possible. I'm going to have to say that I'm happy right now though, as I continue on that seemlessly neverending trail to manhood. Hope all is well. Peace and love.

2 in 1

Arrrg. I'm in pain. My head has been KILLING me all day and I'm fresh out of tylonol. The stuff Aaron gave me is already wearing off, and I've still got a little bit more to go tonight. As I mentioned before, this is exam week, so things aren't exactly easy. Of course I haven't had time to do laundry in the past three weeks, so I can't really say that it's anything seperate from the norm, but I think maybe I'm adapting a little better. Going back to the laundry bit, if you didn't smell me before tonight then that means I pulled it off. Almost two weeks of dirty cloths! Showers are also hard to come by these days. As soon as I'm done studying, I'm probably going to hit one up. Yesterday marked day two without showering, which I broke sometime mid afternoon, but today I didn't get to take one when I woke up... because I couldn't wake up fast enough.

Tomorrow is the start of midterms for me. I'm ready to get them out of the way, but some of them (like accounting and intellectual properties) I dread. That means I'll probably be studying my brains out for the next few days, but once next Tuesday gets here, I should be in the clear. I'm also looking forward to the possibility that Grant might be coming to visit me this weekend. That would be pretty cool.

Anyways, have you ever heard of that psychological occurance between a hostage and their captor when they form this sort of weird bond after a while? Well... I think that's what's going on between the studio and I. I've had to be there so much in the past three weeks that now that I'm away from it... I start to miss it a little. I still don't know how I'm going to make ANY money in my profession though. Such a tough business to get in to.

But I have to go back to studying now. Tomorrow morning's Mass Media exam can't wait for me to get a good night sleep unfortunately. I promis that once I'm in the clear from all of these exams and I have enough time to shower... I'll write more meaningful journals. But anyone who goes to college knows exactly where I'm at right now. Peace and love.

Here at the Studio

I went to be early last night, but it was still pretty hard to wake up this morning. I don't know what I can do, if anything, to wake up feeling refreshed, but whatever. I'm here in the studio right now doing secretary work during a session. It's sorta neat because it's a horn session which we will be crossing over in about ten minutes to a string session. From what I can hear, it sounds pretty good, but I won't be able to sit in the room for a while. That's not a problem though. There's alot of high emotion running around in that room that I feel comfortable avoiding. There have been a few technical problems here and there that have brought up the stress level a few notches.

Things are about to pick up pace here though. Midterm week has just begun and I endure my first one tomorrow morning. Thursday is the next, and then Monday is the last. I'm going to have to find time to study because right now, there isn't much, and that's just for studying. That's not to mention homework that I have coming up soon. But I'm not too worried or stressed about it. This is life.

I think it's about time for me to work again, so I'll talk to you later. Peace and love.

Monday... Here it Comes

This weekend was good. I'm only going to look at the good because I feel that if I do, then I will begin to only remember good, and in so doing, will begin to only expect good. Basically I'm looking for a more optomistic outlook on life. But tomorrow is Monday and so I'm a little nervous as usual. I'm not crazy about waking up early, and I'm not enthralled by the concept of class and schedule... but Monday's are, after all, the only day of the week where I have time to take a nap, so I will atleast be able to catch up on a little bit of sleep. Other than that, I have my HIV vaccene (can't spell?) screaning tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it because I'm really interested in seeing whether or not this will work. Let's see... What else is there? Hmmmm... I don't really have much more to say. I'm in a pretty good mood right now, but I'm also spending an awful lot of time thinking about that cool pillow that rests about eight feet to my left. In fact, now that I think about it... I'm afraid the pillow is just too irresistable. Have a good one. Peace and love.

The Much Needed Weekend

I stand (or rather sit) here today a partially refreshed man. I've been seeking out serenity where ever I may find it, and some of it is working for the better. I got away from campus last night and spent most of it hanging out with Matt. We watched several episodes from our little tv series dvd set trying to catch up with the other guys so we can all watch it together. We also did a little bit of talking as to the drama that has been floating around Pembroke lately. But Chubbs, Burly, and Fire (Jen)came around later in the evening and we did some hanging out together. It was nice and relaxing... well... all except for the hot wings. See, whenever someone puts hot wings in front of me, I must eat them. It doesn't matter if they're too hot for me, I just love them so much that I'll try to ignore the pain and eat them anyways. Well... Chubbs brought back some hot wings that were too hot for even him to eat, so I decided to snack on a few... Let's just say that I felt it around noon today. Oh, and Viking also called from VA, where he was traveling for his brother's wedding. He told us that he made it in all right, and we passed the phone around to talk to him. It was nice. But later, after everyone else went to bed, I had this weird experience where I opened up to Fire and told her the story of my failed relationship, which is ultimately why I don't find Belmont girls appealing. I've always been left on a hanger with that situation, never feeling completely resolved. So she gave me some advice. She told me that I should write a letter explaining how I felt because I had nothing to loose. So... I did. I don't expect a response honestly, I never expect a response from that girl, but I feel good about writing it reguardless.

And going back to reitterate on the part where I stated the reason as to why I'm not attracted to Belmont girls... I can't start to think that they would ever be as epic as what I have experienced. Everything about me and this girl was epic, or atleast I took it to be. So much amazing circumstance happened in that relationship that I just can't explain, and I've grown so much as a result of it. But I can't ever see a girl topping that. How can a girl ever meet me like that? How can a girl ever attain so many desireable attributes as that? How can a girl captivate my heart like that? These are all questions that I hope have an answer... because if they don't... I fear that I will never desire anything else but that of the unattainable. That is my fear now. Last year it was that I feared I would never meet the right girl despite my tireless efforts, but this year my fear is that I will never meet the right girl because I don't want to look for her anymore. I'm content with being me and functioning the way I function (a concept that I have explained in previous journals)I look at the most beautiful women now and I feel nothing. There is something missing, and that something, I now know, is an epic presence. I've even had beautiful women try to gain my attention and affection, but I'm not the slightest bit interested because there's nothing to fight for. But then the girls that are out there that out of the random chance MIGHT attract me, I don't persue them either because I'm tired of fighting. But even beyond that, if the girl who played such an epic role in my life before even came back now, I fear I wouldn't even see anything there either. Now, considering my past feelings, that's a big deal. And that, friends, is why I am scared.

But moving on to better things. I had a session tonight that I engineered. It was with Matt and Aaron on drums and bass. It went pretty well, and now that I've worked that console (with exactly 6480 buttons) it doesn't seem nearly as intimidating as it did before. I just need a few more sessions on it and I think I'll be alright. Other than that, the guys and I have been talking, and we think we might form a band. It's still in the works as to who will play, when, where, and what, but everything made to be great has a simple beginning.

And so this is life as of now. Not quite as chaotic as it was turning out to be on Monday, but I'm finally in a valley for the time being. And if I were to continue this metaphor (which I will) I would go on to say that the mountain to be climed is slowly coming into view, but I'm not going to look at it. I'm going to enjoy the metaphorical flowers, pleasant sunlight, gurgling brooks, and soft dirt around me. I hope you are feeling well, doing well, and learning well. Have a blessed day. Peace and love.

P.S. I'm now wearing my new longjohns!!!