Sometimes You Gotta Do it Alone: Got Strenght?

tonight was a grand reminder of one of life's lessons. sometimes you have to do it alone. i've always been the kind of guy who prefers to do things alone. part of that is because i'm a control freak of sorts, but the other part is my failure to communicate well. but again, i've never had a problem doing things alone. it gives me time to think; time to reflect. there are those odd times though when i feel like i need someone, like tonight. not just anyone though. i like to lean on the ones who most closely share my ideals. these are the ones i'd like to call "deep friends". now keep in mind that i don't count any one type of my friends less than the other, but i think we all have specific friends that we go to when we have something heavy on our hearts. tonight, however, was a reminder. sometimes you can't get in touch with those friends. it doesn't work out like it does in the movies where you're on a long reflecting walk and the person you need most just pops out from stage left. no, sometimes we must face these things alone. i think it was by God's design that i walked around campus tonight in hopes of running into someone, and never ending up doing so. because of that i was able to think more deeply than i have in a while about matters that are far beyond simple. so i've done my share of thinking. i must admit it was also rather cold just walking around in a t-shirt and jeans too, but i guess i needed it. but my heart is heavy. sometimes we are required to do things that, despite our deepest desires, we must do. i learned that well over the summer, along with many other important lessons on life. lonliness bites though, but it makes us stronger. and if there's anything in life i persue more, it's strength in all things. part of developing strength, i've learned, is exposing our weaknesses either voluntarily or involuntarily. for example: tonight was involuntary while talking about how you feel might be voluntary. we as human beings are quite clever at hiding our weaknesses though aren't we? we don't want to appear weak for anyone, so the vast majority of us walks around appearing to be strong while in fact they are incredibly weak behind their thin shell. i've seen people take comfort in their weaknesses though too. they hide behind them, becoming overwhelmed by any and everything they can either because of the attention benefits it gains, or because the though of growning is out of the question for them. i find myself definitaly in the first catagory. i don't like exposing my weaknesses because i like to appear strong. i made that decision long ago when i decided never to cry in public again. it was the second grade and i wanted to appear tough, so i made that pact with myself. from that point on i've never cried in public, not once. i've broken bones in public and did not shed a tear until i was alone. none of my friends, not even the best of them, have seen me cry even one tear ever. do you think this has gained me anything? probably not. but it spreads. now i can't even cry in private and haven't for almost four years. i'm not saying that we have to cry to be human, but i'm saying that i've hid my weakness so well for so long. how do you uncover something like that? it takes effort, as i have discussed in my previous journals. conquering yourself must be the hardest task man has to face. but now i shall sleep. i have a busy week and lots to get done between now and tomorrow night. pray for me people because the clock is ticking on the decisions that i must regretably make. that will take strenght that i don't know if i have. peace and love...