Pashion, Patience, and Poetry

So here I am after another long day, sitting at my desk by my soft single 45 watt bulb, listening to music that most fits my mood at this moment, and trying to sort through the day to figure out exactly what just happened. Do you remember my earlier journals talking about getting back into the kind of thought that delved deep into life and it's many callenges? Well, I've finally thrown off summer and returned to that point again. One thing I've learned about life this year is that there's always suprises reguardless of how much you think you know. There's always a new definition of joy, a new definition of pain, of stress, and of confusion that can hit you in the face all at once.

This past summer I was able, only by God's direction, to conquer a pain that has lasted almost three years. When that was all said and done with, I was suprised to find myself overjoyed because, after all, the outcome wasn't quite what I had hoped it would have been, though I did expected it. The product of joy was such that was hard to describe other than the feeling a person must have with a terminal illness when they wake up the next morning only to find out it is gone. What do you do with something like that? Fortunately it is recent enough for me to remember. I spent the next few days not thinking about what I was over, but instead I though of how great it was that I wasn't thinking about it. For the first time in three years I had this extra space in my mind to think about other things, and quite honestly it took me a while to figure out what to put there.

Getting back to school seemed to happen at sharp point rather than a slow transition. I'm not quite sure why that was, but I know I was glad to see change. When i got here it seemed that the problems I had to face initially, were nothing compared to anything of my past, so I was fully equiped to face each and every challenge. It wasn't until after a few weeks that I realized something had developed that was out of my control. It was new and wild and I didn't know what to think about it. All I can really say without incrimination is that I let my walls down and took a risk.

So here we are on that topic of walls again. If you remember me saying earlier this year, I find myself to be a very unemotional person, but my mom thinks I'm extremely emotional, and to cope with that I build the biggest and thickest walls out of anyone she knows. At that point in time I was questioning whether or not that's true, and I've figured out now that it is, though not via a positive experience. See, when I let my walls down and I am in my rawest form, I don't know how to control that emotion. I haven't had the practice. If it tells you anything, I promised myself I would never cry in public when I was in the first grade, and I have never broken that promise. Could I cry now if I wanted to? probably not. But let me get back on subject here for a moment if I may. It always seems that whenever I lower my gates, I scare people away. Can you guess how this makes me feel? Except for my few most faithful friends and family members who have seen and know who I wholey am I have everyone else backed up to a specific distance from me where they dare not come closer. Either that, or they are behind a wall that they have never seen through before, and come to mention it, might not even realize that there is even a wall there. This is my weakness. This is what I have to conquer this year. But you know something, I'm also an incredibly stubborn person. No matter how many people I scare away with my true self, I'm not going to stop. I'll get stronger and I'll be able to endure more.

So I'm fully confident that God wouldn't have laid this before me if He wouldn't deliver me through it. I know it must change, and I am going to practice controling my emotion. I am going to step out on a limb infront of everyone, fully knowing that they might push me away, and I'm going to live as who I am, instead of a coin with two sides. It's going to take some patience though, as I expect such a transition to take quite some time, but I feel up to it. That's another thing I've got in my favor. I love challenge. That's why I procrastinate, thats why I take on large tasks by myself, and that's why I run that extra lap when I feel like I'm about to vomit or pass out. Challenge: it's a beautiful thing.

As for now, I have a date auction to attend tomorrow. I think I'm going to go for alot more than last year simply because lately, for some reason, the ladies have been checking me out. Maybe that might be because this year I have a pungent scent of confidence that permiates the air more-so than my cheap cologne. Or maybe it's because I still have a tan left over from the summer. I don't know and I don't care. I just want to go for more than eight bucks this year! Wish me luck ladies and gentlemen. I don't hope you necissarily enjoy your days tomorrow, as bad as that may sound, but instead, I hope that you learn something meaningful through pleasure or discomfort, as those seem to be the conductors of meaning. Peace and love...