Sleeping Pills and Payin Bills

I woke up this morning a bit confused. I've been having a really difficult time sleeping for the past two months, and now I'm so tired I'm finally willing to do something about it. I took two tylonol pm last night before i went to bed hoping that it would knock me out for the entirity of the night. Didn't work. I woke up in the middle of the night simply feeling drowsy and in the midst of a really bad dream. It was set in surgery, only I was the patient. There was something wrong with my heart so the doctors put me under and started working. The only problem was, I wasn't sedated enough and as they cut me open and spread my ribcage apart with their clamps, I could feel it all, the cutting and the cracking of my bones, and the open-air beating of my heart. My eyes were stuck open the whole time, I was paralized so I couldn't move or scream. I just lay there afraid and in pain. I managed to fall back asleep, but morning came much to quickly. The pills hadn't worn completely off by the time I had to get up and pull myself into my cloths for work. I was late, of course, and everybody was running around, but I was just strolling initially, like I was in my own world. I got a bit faster as time moved on and people started losing patience with me. I didn't really care though. People have been snapping at me a lot lately and I'm stomaching it, just not letting it get to me. Usually it really does bother me when someone is displeased with me. I want to be a pleaser, but part of me is aware that I can't and that it shouldn't be my sole priority.

I ended up working harder today than I ever had before. I just zoned out and did my job without personal feeling and hesistation. I ended up making more than I've ever made there before too. That was nice. I ended up treating myself to a dinner out for a change. I've been living off of soup and scraps for a really long time now. Viking and I went to Las Palmas. We talked, but my meal didn't fill me up. I even went to town on the chips and nothing. After that we went over to his place and he and Joey and I watched The Wonder Years. I love and hate that show all at the same time. It's a beautiful show that was a huge part of my childhood, but I think I took far too much female advice from Kevin Arnold than I should have. I hold him directly responsible for all my failures;) But it was good. Now I'm just listening to music and waiting for these pills to kick in. Yeah, I'm trying again, but this time a little earlier. Maybe the pills will have a chance to ware off by morning. Maybe they will keep me asleep this time through. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day though. I'm scheduled to work an 11 hour shift. That'll be interesting. Can I make it? We'll see. Peace and love.

What I Shall be in a Year

My mind was spent today in settling around what all has just happened in my life. What does it all mean? I'd like to think that getting a job is the final solution to all of my problems, but they will only increase after this, that's for sure. I think of it sort of like standing in line at a theme park. I've been in this line to get to the tallest waterslide in the park and it's hot and it involves stairs. But I've been in this line for four years, and all I can think about is getting to the top and having my turn at the slide. But now, with this job, I am at the top. I'm standing at the peak of this slide, and for the first time, I'm looking down. It's scarry down there and full of random twists and turns. It's dark too. But I'm going. I do this in the name of progress. I feel that stagnance is wrong, and that is what my life will become if I stay in Nashville. It will become passive and comfortable and wrong.

What I am about to do is uncomfortable and uncertain, but that is the key to growth, and I desperately wish to grow. I mean yeah, it will be hard for me to leave my friends, but we have strong friendships and I know we will all keep in touch. It just has to be done.

So to the uncertain times ahead... What I shall be in a year is a mystery. Peace and love.

Some Crazy Events

Some crazy events happened today:

I drove to Raleigh and visited with my sister.
I looked around the town at neat places, some of which I might choose to live near.
(I took it as a sign, literally, when I went to "Cameron Village" by taking "Smallwood Rd". That's two people that I know from Belmont...)
I carefully considered my future
I quite possibly got a job doing that thing I've been studying all these years
I watched The Fountain with my dad
I had a pizza and watched some movie I can't remember the name of with Brandon
I'm tired

Who knows what I'll do tomorrow. I sure don't.

Peace and love

The Road and its Memories

I've never been too fond of the drive from Nashville to High Point, or the other way around. I set off yesterday at about 11:30, though, to once again make the trek. But it wasn't as bad as it usually is. I've had a really hard time keeping time in an actual frame. I can't remember what day it is, nor can I even predict what time it might possibly be. This can be a useful tool when driving. If you concentrate really hard on NOT knowing what time it is, time goes by much faster. But anyways, I stopped off in Asheville as my half-way point as I usually do. More specifically, I stopped off at Montreat College to drop in on Andy. I really enjoy spending time with he and his friends whenever I can. They are such a creative group of people, it is inspiring just being around them. But I had only planned on staying for an hour, an hour that soon turned into the entire night. The clencher was when we picked up instruments and started jamming, which led to talking, which led to more jamming, which eventually led to chips and salsa? Yes, chips and salsa. So then Andy informed me of a plan they had previously made to go to the two dollar Brew-n-View Theater in town to see a double feature and have some nice beer to go along with it. I, naturally desiring some sort of random activity in my life, decided to go along with their idea, and I set for leaving really early in the morning to compromise. The movie, in short, was great. It was a B film called "Grind House" and was produced by the same guy who did "Sin City". Then the next flick after that was called "Death Proof" which was another B film directed by Quinton Terrantino (I know I didn't spell that right). Both were fabulously hillarious movies that I really couldn't see enjoying any other way than with friends in a loose environment after having a couple of beers.

So then there was the next morning. I meant to wake up at 5am so that I could get back to High Point by 8am, so I could make it to my car inspection by 8:30... but my alarm didn't go off... and I woke myself up at 7:30... Oops! So I didn't rush or anything, I just walked out, got in the car, and left, accepting that I would be late, but formulating a plan to call in, postpone my time, and come in later. It worked for the most part, so that's what I did. But then I went in actually get the car inspected and the guy said that my front right light (the one still broken from the buss accident in September) couldn't pass inspection being broken. So I was set back and discouraged and began to call around to the salvage yards to find the same part. Nobody had it. So then I got the clever idea to go home, take my mom's off of her car, put it on mine temporarilly, go back in to have the car inspected, pass the inspection, and then return the light. Turns out... it worked. The car is now good for another year.

But Brandon also comes over. I haven't seen him since Christmas, so we did our catching up and then we got a movie. That marks the fourth time that I've seen Pan's Labarynth. What a great flick. Then I ate dinner. This marks the first official time that my dad and I have had a beer together. That was enjoyable. I feel more relaxed now that I can have one with the old man. Turns out he's got good taste in beer too.

The rest of the night was spent catching up with friends. High Point is such a strange place to me. It's full of small changes, but then there rests the obvious familiarities. The memories are everywhere. I thought about Phill and Becca, and all of the high school memories. Though I miss all of those people and things, I recognize that I've come a long way, and I'm slightly proud of that fact. I feel real and I feel like I could go somewhere. That's a good feeling to have, especially in the midst of so much discouragement while seeking employment.

Tomorrow is the big Raleigh adventure day. Wish me luck. Peace and love.

Clouds and Space

I was floating in the pool tonight, completely tuned out of the social interaction happening around me. I was just floating and thinking, looking up at the cloudy night sky. It's ambiguous in a way. You can't tell what is cloud and what is empty space except for the occasional star to break the secret. But "ambiguitiy" seemed to be a very descriptive word of where my mind was sitting. It's the future, these next few months of immense change that are both inspiring and frightening. I don't really know what to make of it all other than my emotions are still not fully engaged in the reality that I will soon be leaving this life forever and moving on to a new one. All in all, that's really the way it is. Very little will physically follow me into this next place, and my relationships will be distanced, only held together by memory, photographs, facebook, and hardwire. It's no surprise that I'm not quite sure how to feel about things yet. I do have one dominating feeling. Bravery, cold and clear bravery. I've always been relatively good at goodbyes. I spend more of my time these days thinking about tomorrow moreso than I think about yesterday or even today. I suppose labeling myself as "brave" is conceited. It is usually not one's own say in the matter of being brave, but the judgement of the people around him or her. It is, however, the feeling that I reffer to. I feel as if I am ready to take the challenges head on. I know the reality of my situation which is that there is nothing outside of meaningful friendships left for me in this place. And as unfortunate as it is, life is more complex than my satisfaction with relationships. There are bills to be payed, deadlines to be met, and potentials to be realized, and I believe that those of us who choose to remain stagnant and unchanging in the midst of our present comforts, wave away more substance in our lives than we can even conceivably be aware. Again, this is my fatalistic perspective speaking once more of "potential" and "missing the train". My convictions, of which I am regaining focus on, would never allow me rest if I were to stay here and embrace valet or a bank job. But for these last two months, I wish to make the most of the time spent here. I'm not quite sure of what that means yet, but I know that when I do finally leave, my emotions will be much more difficult to ignore.

Peace and love

Fatalist Frustration

I'm still doing and saying things that don't quite fit my description of who I view myself to be. I bet that's a common problem with lots of folks, not to make excuses or anything. It's been on my mind a lot lately, achieving the kind of manhood that I would desire for myself. In my mind it is a pure form, but then all of these worldly messages get mixed in with it and I lose my aim. I think the most difficult one to face is attacking the very motivation I have of bettering myself. It is the message of "just be who you are, chalk your mistakes up to human error, nobody is perfect." It sounds like wise advice, but is it? I mean are mistakes okay in any other field of life, and should making them be considered a norm. Now I'm certainly not going to beat myself up for the mistakes I have made in the past other than the pain I might face by learning from them, but I'm also certainly not going to write my past off completely. There is a middle ground here somewhere, I just have to find it. Right now I feel like I have very few allies, very few people who see my desire as anything more than simple and shallow self-righteousness. I would hope my friends would know better than to think that of me. But so many people are buying into that message. So many people are giving up on faith because of what other people have done or because of thier intellect teaching them that existence is far too complex for a loving God. It seems to me like no one wants to step up to the plate and say "To Hell with what other people have done. This is the faith I believe in, and I'm going to be true to it." Thus, it all seems like a cop-out. A wonderfully elaborate and seemingly well backed excuse to just give up, pack up and do whatever the hell we want without feeling like we might be missing out on something greater. Think of all the benefits... Sleep in on Sunday! Uh... do crazy stuff with numbed sense of guilt! Uh... Don't worry about finding the answers anymore! Uh... Sleep in on Sunday! After all, we know best, don't we?

Perhaps my problem is that I'm a fatalist... sort of. I see fate as a possibility or potential, but not a slated outcome. I think we can miss the train. I think many of us do as we chase fleeting things like women and money and all of those things that we know deep in our inner being, but would never admit, fail to give us fulfillment. I don't want to miss my highest potential because I'm curious of what that might be. What was I truly designed for? That is what drives me forward.

So I'm frustrated with myself. We, in our society, act like it's such a negative thing to be frustrated with ourselves. Again, we're pretty much always right in whatever we do, so why should we ever feel frustrated or guilty? I see self-frustration as a healthy motivator and teacher given in moderation. In fact, reflecting on one's mistakes can be the greatest motivator of all. So in my frustration, I'm going to find a way through it. It will hurt and I might make even more mistakes, but I'm willing to learn from them, and I'm willing to keep pressing forward.

I think that the greatest reason as to why we give up on our highest spiritual goals is because it is almost just as hard for us to find someone who HAS reached those goals as it is for us to reach them ourselves.

Peace and love.

Breath

Looking back, my journals have had the tendancy to be rather selfish. I'm always talking about some arbitrary "drama" in my life that has me at a loss. But today I did a good bit of thinking. I don't know, I suppose it really started last night. Actually... it happened as a result of a series of events.

Now I have the disposition to think on a regular basis. It's what I like to do when nothing else is going on. Sometimes, especially lately, my life gets full of clutter, hum, and buzz. It is during those times that my deep thinking is few and far between. I am medicated to an extent by flashing lights, sudden bursts of harmonic sounds, and different interesting smells and flavors. It is very "instnatanious" living, I think would be the best way to describe it. But my ascention back to a level of higher thought actually began in my voice lesson training on Tuesday. My instructor was teaching me about the correct method by which to breath. He explained that as infants we breath correctly, letting air into our lower abdomon which allows our stomach to rise. It is only after cultural inflections on how we should carry ourselves that we learn to breath in the wrong manner. We start to suck air into our chests, heaving up and down. I think having asthma growing up only made it worse. If there were anything that would make you heave air into your chest, it would be asthma. So basically, I breath wrong. Now for the past two days, I've really been focusing on retraining myself. I've gone above and beyond what he asked me to do. I didn't feel like achieving correct breathing whenever I drove in my car would amount to any reasonable experience at all. So I've been pretty much constantly focused on it, which has been driving me a bit crazy, but I'm making progress. What I'm finding is that when I breath with my stomach, I can't get the full amount of air that I would like without stretching discomfort in my abs. I realize, however, that this is simply a result of me having not breathed properly in almost 22 years (if ever, considering asthma). But today I managed to make much greater strides in my breathing than yesterday, so I shall continue until it is no longer a mental effort. If anything, it is relaxing to just focus on how you breath. I learned that last night. I picked up Viking's "Tai Che for Dummies". He said he wanted to get into it, but he had never bothered to read it before, so I borrowed it from him simply because I was intrigued. I started reading from it last night and it discussed the basic principles of Tai Che. The first and foremost principle is tranlated as the "Ultimate Superior" and is... breathing correctly. It is, and I kid you not, the exact same principle of breathing as one would learn to sing well. This held my interest so I began to read on. It said that it's primary focus was on mindful movement. It teaches you to think out your body's movements and coordinate them with correct breathing to develope the most energy efficient, relaxing, and natural forms of movement. After taking in some of the readings and then matching it to my own posture and form, I realized that I really am "up tight". I mean I've had people tell me that before, but I never thought much of it. So for the most of today I was working on matching my movements to efficient breathing. Basically, when ever you move out, you exhale, and when ever you pull in, you inhale. Try it for a while, you'll see what I'm talking about. Just slow movement with deep breaths.

So then tonight I decided to go to the coffee shop, get some tea, and read for a while. I started reading from my sociology textbook. I took from that mostly that the world is screwed up, not following the most peaceful and cooperative of practices in humanity. I also gathered that a great deal of what Karl Marx had to say wasn't stupid, but rather missunderstood by overzealous cult leaders like Lennon and then spread to the rest of us as such. But that reading lasted for as long as I could tolerate. Whenever I read things like that my mind tends to wander around aimlessly lamenting the world's problems until I fall so deep into hopelessness that the weight of it leads me to put the book down. So, to cope, I picked up the next book I have to (or rather 'want to') read by Donald Miller entitled "Searching for God Knows What". Out of all of the books I have ever read, this author, to me, is the most identifiable to how I think and feel. That's not to say that he's right all of the time, but then, neither am I. I just like reading a book that articulates exactly what I feel while at the same time realizing that it has sold several copies because he and I aren't the only ones who think and feel this way. But I read about a chapter while the coffee barista feverishly cleaned the shop as if to convey a message that I, as a working class citizen, clearly understand. "Will you please leave so that I can go home early." I felt obliged to comply, so I sucked back the last cup of tea, hopped back on my bike, and peddled to the only peaceful outdoor area I know of, the Belmont quad. When I got there it was teaming with little Christian camp kids. Some would argue that these are the most moniacle breed of pre-teens. Ironically, everywhere they go they are followed by destruction. But I still managed to find a peaceful spot amidst the chaos at the base of the mansion. On the steps I pulled out the book and began reading again. I was sucked in for a while, occasionally stopping to contemplate what I had just read or to regroup my focus after some random pre-teen male yolping at the moon. But it was still peaceful. It wasn't until the call for all the kids to go to bed that the real peace began. At that time, it was about 11pm. I made my way down to a low-branched magnolia tree and found a comfortable position at it's feet. I closed my eyes, sat there peacefully, correcly breathing, and holding deep prayer and contemplation. I dare not say "meditating" because if I were to use that word, it would be assumed that I was opening myself up to evil spiritual influence (at least from a conservative Christian standpoint). But I was sitting quietly and reflectively under that tree, which is a longer way to say the "m" word, but remains theologically acceptible. It was great though. When I was done I felt so relaxed and at peace. It was almost like waking up from a deep refreshing sleep, but not. And the prayer felt more intimate and focused too. In short, I enjoyed it, and perhaps there is something to this calming breathing and mindful movement. I mean think about what kind of a society we live in. Our busy and synthetically dramatic lives hardly ever make time for us to be calm and still. It is a valuable skill to learn.

Peace and love.

Truth

It was another one of those days where I wake up and I feel compelled to accomplish as much as I can before bed. For instance, I cleaned out my car today for the first time since the fifth of December. Needless to say, it was a mess. After that and many other errands, I found myself in vocal lessons. That's right, I'm taking vocal training. I was concerned at first, because I didn't know how a trainer would be able to communicate anything to me, but this guy knows his stuff. He has me sing and then he just watches my posture and breathing and mouth formations. He's given me good advice thus far. He really thinks he can improve me drastically in the next ten weeks. After that, I've got piano lessons, which I am also excited about. I've always wanted to learn the piano because I think it would be a much more superior writing tool for me than just the guitar.

I came home and relaxed for a while before I went to sociology class. My professor is in his early thirties. His name is Dr. Ken Spring, a graduate from Vanderbilt who has no appearance that would lead you to believe he is a doctor. He wears jeans and has a nose piercing with tatoo sleeves. He also just happens to be a professional BMX racer. He's very passionate about sociology though. He raises some interesting discussion topics. I reflected tonight on how far I have come from freshman year to now. I used to get so offended when people would say things I considered to be ignorant and unchristian. But now I listen more than I speak. I try to gather a full understanding of the feelings of the majority before I try and address the issue. It can be depressing though. Nobody believes in any matter of truth anymore. Postmodernism has convinced the developed world that there is only relativity. There is nothing worth putting all of your faith in. To do such is considered barbaric and ignorant. There is also a great deal of animosity against Christianity. I understand why. Christians have been so dominating and opressive with their beliefs for so many generations. But it bothers me that people lump Jesus in with their Christian enemy. I feel bad that we have represented Him so poorly. Perhaps something might happen that would convince this world that there are some things worth putting all of your faith in. Peace and love.

The Bottom Rung

I haven't written much in a while. I've been doing a lot of thinking and partaking in quite a bit of action though. I'm trying to level out from this tail-spin that I hit as soon as school ended. Moving, careers, future... what does it all mean? Then there's the realization that, as far as this world is concerned, I don't mean much at all. For instance, Mitch and I both took a motorcycle safety course over the weekend. it was one of the most fun things I've done in a while, and it was very informative.


The first pic is of me strattling a Honda Rebel. It was an older bike, but it had a lot of character. Mitch is the second pic, and he's holding on to a Honda CBR250X. I think that's what it's called at least. It was a standard bike that handled and sounded a lot different from mine. Again, we had a lot of fun, and after we were done, I went to get my motorcycle license. That was to be the next step before I could look at getting a motorcycle. So on Monday morning I pushed time limits to the max. I went and got my license and then went to look at motorcycles. I test drove a beautiful Honda Shadow 750DC, basically my dream bike. It handled well and I filled out all the paperwork for it. Then the guy came out and said they couldn't sell it to me because I haven't been in the workforce long enough and I have student loans lined up behind me. Reality sets in. Financially I mean nothing in this world. I'm small again. Just like all of those freshman years I spent working my way up from the bottom rung.

So now I have to fight. I have to work my way up from the bottom rung again. I went home slightly discouraged, but not enough to deter me from making some sort of a game plan. I started looking for better jobs in the area. Thus far I have the bank job going for me, and a possibility at a car dealership. I know what you're thinking. Car dealership? Yes, me too at first. But then I thought about my personality and my skills. I could not only do it, but do it well. I'm still looking for audio work though. That is my true career ambition. Maybe even audio sales, who knows.

But I guess college prepared me to handle these stresses, not to be overwhelmed. I'm looking for a good job and as for the bike, Mitch and I have decided to go Ebay. We want to see if we can find a bike that needs some attention. It would be good for us to learn bike mechanics before we start riding. We can potentially get one for around a hundred bucks off some guy that can't tell the trottle from the kickstand. That's the current idea at least. I've got my eye on a bike from NC and one from IL. If the bid stays low enough, Mitch and I will go halvsies on it and then drive over (or up) to get it.

Start small in this world, and work your way up. It's an age old lesson that I've been quite good at thus far. I've never let it get me down before, and though this step will certainly take much longer than the ones in the past, I feel like I can take it. I have faith that God has some grand purpose for all of this. But it's hard being a man of action and not knowing where or how to act. Patience plays a neglected role in my life. It always has. I accredit a that characteristic to a great deal of my success, and also a great deal of my failures. But I'll learn to be efficient with it and to strengthen that weakness. I'm also going to learn how to live under even lower standards than before and how to work harder than before.

That's all I've got in me for now. Peace and love.

The Last Day of the Ye Olde Pembroke House

It was one of the roughest days I can recall. Starting at about nine thirty we worked towards our deadline of being out of our house by six or seven o'clock tonight. We started well rested and full of confidence that we would make it, but as the hours continued it became clear that there was much more work involved in getting that house ready than we had anticipated. The reason we were cleaning is because we really wanted our $2000 deposite back and also we didn't want to pay a $150 cleaning fee. We had several friends come and help us. Stuffy and Weeman came, and Burly dropped by for a good while too. It really was fun, now that I think about it, exhausting, but fun. So what time did we actually finish? Just now. It's 1:34am. I just walked into my room and sat down at my computer. I didn't have much difficulty leaving the house. There was one really quick moment while I was listening to Coldplay's "Scientist" that I had an urge to cry, but it went just as fast as it came. I think I'm just too tired to think about how I feel right now. It was a good home though. That's what made it enjoyable. It wasn't the landlords or the lack of climate control, or the spiders and mice. It was the people who lived there that made that house worth while. We all hugged as we put stood behind the dark house for one last time. While the guys went to get the truck for the last load in, I also went to each room and remembered all the worthwhile things that happened in each one for me. They were a good two years.

Now the hard part is going to be tomorrow morning. I have to wake up at 6:30 to be at a 9 hour meeting at 8. I also must leave straight from there to go to a four hour class. I'm going to be sitting all day tomorrow is what that means. The four hour class will be good though. It's motorcycle training! I'm really excited about that, and that's where I'll be all weekend if you're wondering. Now it's time for a beer, a shower, and then bed. Peace and love.

Summer Move

Moving is never easy, especially when you have aquired as much crap as I have. But considering how much time I've actually spent on it, I must say that progress has come relatively quickly. I'm almost completely moved out of the house now. I'm going back in the morning to get the last few boxes and other random items lying around, then I'll clean, then I'll be done. I like my new room. It's carpeted and a little more acoustically dead than my last one. It's also got a bed. That's nice. The move in was really easy. I always have had an eye for placement, at least... I think I do. But I always decorate the room first before I place the furniture. It helps me bring more of a sense of symmetry. I've got some pictures here of the finished product. You can't see the really cool part because it's behind my computer, but you'll get the basic idea.


I got to the point where I just started throwing stuff in bags. I was getting frustrated that I had so many loose papers and other little items, so they remain in those bags and will until I feel compelled to organize them into the trash can.

So my new roommates consist of Mitch, Alan "Cowboy" Fey, and Jason Dyba. I don't know Jason very well, but Mitch and Cowboy and I go way back. Oh, and I can't forget the pet rat. I don't know his real name. I know he's got one, but I just call him Mortomer. Seems to suit him well, but he sure does carry a strong odor about him. I've also noticed that outside there are two cats that roam the area. They love the attention of people, but they also enjoy tormenting the small white yippy dog that the landlord owns. So this is the new house. More details as they come.

I've decided that I'm going to miss the old home, but as far as the house is concerned, I would burn it down if it were really up to me, the spiders, the mice, the mold, the lack of insullation, all of it would burn. Then I would have pastors come out and pray over the land, so that if anyone ever rebuilt there, they wouldn't be consumed by the curse. I will always remember the great times we had there, and the lessons learned from renting crappy houses from bad landlords.

Well, I'm done writing for now. Time to go read. Peace and love.

Thoughts Returning

Well, I just had a wonderful weekend. Several of my friends from High Point came to visit me on Thursday and they just left tonight. Karl, JJ, Katie, Denise, Heidi, Megan, all good people. Right now I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to move out of this house. It might take a little more work than I'm giving it credit for, but who knows. I'll take it one step at a time and figure out the difficult parts hopefully before Friday.

It's funny how now that school is over I'm really starting to develop a sense of appreciation for the world around me. I guess I just get so busy during school that I forget value outside of that bubble. But now I'm getting new ideas and new inspirations. I'm still a bit shabby at managing my time, but that'll get better once I get rid of my TV. Reading more is definitely on the list of things to do. I want to spend more time writing as well, more serious and formal writing, unlike this journal.

Sometimes I feel like I waste a lot of space with my journals. Not all of them. Sometims I really do look back and appreciate what it is I have written. But sometims I feel like it's shallow, unoriginal, bland, any of the above. Sometims I feel like I could spend just a bit more time thinking out what it is I want to say. But these are really the best I have for now.

Ha! I just caught a larger brown recluse scurrying around me as I was writing. I didn't kill him though. I have decided that I shall keep it for a short while and study it. I want to know how fast it can move, when it prefers to stay dormant, and especially how it kills and eats. I'm going to find a bug in just a few moments so I can put it in the jar. Now I've poked air holes in the jar so the spider can breath, but they're not big enough for him to escape through. This is the lady I'm talking about. You can't see her color because the picture isn't that great, but I'm not about to hold her for a better view.

It's funny. I was just telling my guests that I hadn't seen a brown recluse in my room in almost a year and a half. That's true, I wasn't just trying to comfort them, but I find it to be a little ironic. I suppose it decided that with all of these extra people and things lying around the house, it would have a little more room to go unseen. Not to be the case. So I'll study it and then, when I'm done, I will kill it. I have very little mercy on such loathsome nightstalking vermon.

Hmmm... It appear she lost a leg during my apprehension. I say "she" not to be steriotyping, but because chances are it is a female. They grow much larger than the males. But I think I'll call her Nubs for the time being.

Now I'm going to find a bug, feed Nubs, read, and go to bed. I have work early in the morning. Peace and love.

Jobs and Dating

Creatively, things have been better for me. I've been pretty dead to the world for the past couple of days. I don't know why. Ah, but I was able to go to the pub tonight for the first time in a while and talk with some of my friends about good solid stuff. I always forget how starved I am for solid deep and meaningful conversation. I am partly to blame for the lack there-of. I don't take initiative and sometimes I don't allow myself to be vulnerable. But maybe that's why I feel so out of tune. Maybe I'm just not aprehending a more meaningful time spent. I watch a lot of movies and I sometimes play games, but deep down I'd rather be working on some neat hobby or reading or talking philosophy with friends. Basically what I'm trying to say is that my mind could be spent on more usful activities than what I normally allow.

I'm getting closer to the motorcycle though. I'm so excited about it. I've been reading, practically memorizing, the DMV motorcycle manual. I've been talking to everyone I meet that has a bike asking their opinion on things like safety, gear, and their favorite kind of bike. I've actually made a few new friends along the way. Two guys I met at church. Their namese were Brad and Josh. They've both been riding for about five years. One of them really likes the mechanics of how the bike works and the other one comes from a motocross background. They were both pretty interesting and had a lot of good advice to give. I think one of them might be interested in selling me some of their old gear for dirt cheap. I'll try to follow up on that. New motorcycle gear is a little bit too expensive for me right now.

I've also been going over to my friends' new places. They're all pretty nice and they're a bit cheaper than this house. It's encouraging to know that I could get much better for what I'm currently used to paying on rent.

Oh yeah, I'm still waiting for the bank to get back in touch with me. I'm going to do a little walk-in follow up tomorrow just to make sure I apply a little bit of gentle pressure on my application. I want them to know that I'm serious about the job and I think that enough time has passed to go ahead and check things out.

You know, it's funny how similar dating and applying for jobs are. Yeah I could apply for a crappy job and get it for sure, but I want a job that will take care of me and that I won't want to leave after a few months. Let's see if I can find one.

Peace and love

Oh yeah. If you have the podcast, listen to this weeks sermon at my church.

Brief Update

I've been working my butt off all week. I was meaning to do chores today, being that it is my only day off until next Saturday, but I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to loaf around and relax before I have to kill myself tomorrow. I'm not complaining though. I don't want it to seem like that. I'm enjoying the work and the money I'm making from it. I'm still hoping the bank calls me back on my job application, but I'm doing alright at the hotel right now, so I can stand to stay a little while longer.

In the mean time, at home, things are still quiet. Viking gets back tomorrow night sometime, so that'll be cool, but things are still under rapid change. I welcome it though. I think it can only be a good thing at this point. I'm in the process of moving out of the house, as is every one else. It was a good house as college houses go, and many good times were spent here, but it's time to move on.

I'm trying to keep my mind in a good place while all of this change is taking its toll. I tend to get rid of things and people that I don't feel comfortable with anymore. I'm not so worried about the things as much as I am the people. But sometimes internal change can't help but promote external change. As the interrior changes, sometimes so does the exterior. We'll see what happens.

Oh, I did also win some free airline tickets yesterday. I won a putting challenge at the resort golf course and I got two free tickets to anywhere in the continental US. I think I'll be taking Mitch to Washington State to visit Brian, but I'm not quite sure yet. That's just the tentative plan. I also got a free back massage which was really nice and informative. Turns out my back is all out of sorts and full of knots. She said that me not sleeping on a bed was probably the largest problem. Whatever. It doesn't keep me from working or playing, so I'm not in a hurry to change that little issue. Arg. I'm fading fast. I've gotta go to bed now or I'll never make it tomorrow. Peace and love. Oh. PS. Karl and some of his friends are coming to visit me this week! Yay!

Oh Christ, Remind Us of Your Love

I must have missed that part of the Bible where Jesus and his disciples marched around bashing homosexuals and making their ideals into government laws by backing the right politicians.

"But they do it to us! We have to protect ourselves!"

No! What did Jesus do when Peter tried to protect him from the guards by cutting off his ear. He chastized Peter and fixed the guards ear. Christ doesn't need us to protect Him. He protects us! And how many stones did Steven throw back at the men who had him stoned? None! I mean if all of this political slamming coming from my Christian brothers and sisters is a new means to convey the love of Christ, I really must have missed a few chapters of the Bible, because the only time I ever recall Jesus raising his voice or going into the offense was when he was dealing with spiritual lawmakers and those who would choose to capitolize off of God's commands.

Christians try to hard to define a clear cut enemy these days. Homosexuals. Perfect. Let's pull them out of this fallen miserable world and place the majority of the weight on their heads.

But weren't we all born into sin? Weren't we all destined for the same place? It is easy for us to cast judgement and blame instead of love, but how dare we forget where we came from. Whether it be homosexual sin or heterosexual sin. Embracing it is wrong and punishable. But we're so distracted with anti-gay propoganda that we fail to be light.

"They sing about vengance like it's the joy of the Lord." -Josh Ritter

I can't go on talking about it because I have to go to bed. But I look at Christ's life and I see a man who loved society's wretched and condemned and a man who even tried to reach out to the spiritual legalists of his day. They seemed to be the hardests to get through to. They understood God only with their minds. They never once took a moment's time to know Him. That is why they did not recognize his son. They fell in love with making laws because through law comes control and power. Man feeds on power like fire feeds on wood.

It is a hurtful time indeed to see so many who claim to emulate Christ, slap down his children.

And what do I think about Jerry Falwell? I think that there is evidence that he was a well intentioned man. I fully disagree with his insistance that Christians should strive to be political lawmakers because I see no evidence in Christ's life that we were ever called to such a task. But I believe that he did a great deal of good in this world as well. Unfortunately it is debatable as to what was amplified as the loudest.

I might talk more about this tomorrow. I'm really tired today, but these issues have really been hitting me hard lately.

Peace and love

Two Wheels, Countless Questions

I'm really disappointed right now. I was nerely done with this huge and informative journal and then firefox decided to freeze up on me. Curses! Oh well, let me try again.

I've been fitting back into the summer routine. I have a new freedom that I'm trying to familiarize myself with though. Being (ultimately) through with classes has brought me to ask new questions about where I'm going. Work, of course, is at the forefront of those questions. I'm comfortable with my job as a valet, but not satisfied. That sounds contradicting, but it's really not. I can do my job with my eyes closed, but it's just not paying the bills. Today was point in case. I got there and we were way overstaffed which meant very little money to be made. I can't afford to be overstaffed. But just as I was starting to feel a bit frustrated, my boss told me to get changed and pressure wash the garage entrance for hourly pay, which is a great deal more than base pay. So I took him up on it and he bought me lunch and I worked for nine hours, not even finishing. I'll be going in tomorrow to get the job done, but all the same, what should I do? I think it would be best if I continued looking (of course that would be best), even though I don't know if I'll even be in Nashville in a few months. Things are pretty up in the air right now, but I'm fine.

I'm getting excited about motorcycles right now. My mom once said that it was just a phaze, and that might be so, but it's a phaze that has lasted for over ten years. I've always been captivated by the thought of having a motorcycle. Sure there is danger, but there is also freedom. I'm trying to be as level headed as possible about the whole idea of getting one, but the learning part is so exciting.

I've started by narrowing my list of bikes down to three types. Then I've been doing research on how they're built and how well they perform. Then I've been going in to see dealers and asking them questions about owning a motorcycle. Harley Davidson, just down the street, was the most helpful. Brian was very informative and helpful in answering all the questions I had about insurance, licenses in TN, the class, and what the inner workings of the bikes were. He showed me this one. It's definitely pre-owned (the only way I could ever afford a Harley), but it's just the right size. My concern was how long it would run if I bought it with 12k miles already on it. He said that Harleys run for a good 50k before they need any serious maintenance. Hmmm, I thought. How long do I want a motorcycle? How many miles do I expect to put on it? Good questions.

So then I took that information over to the Honda dealer. I was originally looking at this bike from the very get-go. It's called a Rebel and it seems small enough not to be too powerful for me. So that was the first one I took a look at. Yes... it was quite small. The salesman Cyle said that it would probably be hard for me to drive since I have such long legs. The handlebars would bump my knees on sharp turns. The speedometer also wasn't very promising. The bike tops out at 65mph. That's fine for low-traffic environments. I could probably get away great with a bike like that in High Point, but I would need a bike that went just a bit faster in this city so as not to get run over. Something bigger would also be more noticable on the road. These are important details for me to consider.

So then I took a look at the bike I really wanted. It's a Honda Shadow Spirit and it's awesome because it's black. The bike engine is about 550cc's which means it is still not overpowering, but it is larger and fast enough to handle dumb Nashville traffic. My only concern is, do I want to get this bike for more expensive than the Harley, but as a new bike vs a used? I don't know all of the answers, but I plan on using these two similar bikes in a barter war between the two. The guy said he'd also keep an eye out for me for some used Shadows to come in. I told him it would probably be a while yet before I came in to buy, if I came in to buy.

I say if because I've got to keep my head about me. Sure it would only cost me $15 dollars to go the same distance as $40 would get me in my car, but safety is an issue for me. I'm definitely going to be taking the safety class. Who knows. I could get on a bike and feel pretty freaked out. I'd just rather find out on someone elses instead of one that I bought. I also want to learn about the safety protocol and maintenance. Also, if I take the safety class, my insurance will be deducted, which would be awesome. But yeah, first I'm going to take the class before I make any huge decisions. That's not all though. I've got a great deal of financial business to take care of before I can even think about getting a bike. I've got to find a job that can support me with benefits, enough money to pay my priority bills, and then maybe I'll have some left over for stuff like motorcycles.

Who knows. It'll be fun figuring all of this stuff out. I like having this as a goal. It has been a while since something has motivated me this much. I miss the feeling. I just have to promis myself that I will make mature decisions, namingly, that I won't exclude God in making this one.

Peace and love.

Make: Moves, Decisions, Money

I'm back in town, Nashville that is, but the house is a little more baren than I left it. Matt has mostly moved out and Stuffy grabbed a few things as well. I was using his computer desk, so now my computer sits on the floor by my bed. That's fine though. I won't be here too much longer anyways. I figure I'll start slowly moving out starting tomorrow. Viking will be leaving for Oregon on Wednesday for a business seminar, and Matt will be almost completely moved out, so it will be just me here in the house for several days. I'll be working a good bit of that time, but when I'm not working, I'll probably be packing or trying to get back into the gym. Maybe I'll pick up reading again. That would be nice. I don't read enough.

That's another thing with not being a full-time student anymore. I have time for things like reading and maybe even exercise. I'm excited about that. I'm also going to be looking at new jobs though. I might go up to Bank of America and check to see on teller positions. I think I'd be good at it and, though the scheduling might not be as flexible as it is at the hotel, the pay will be better and more consistent. I need consitency right now. My goal in all of this, of course, is to get leveled out on my bills and my insurance needs. I've got to become completely self-sufficient before the summer is over.

Finally, I've got to clear my head. There's a lot going on right now that could potentially bother me a great deal. Some of it is concerning my friends and the decisions they are making. It's all concerning stuff that I've been through and that I know isn't a good idea, but why tell them. It's not as if they will listen. Some of it has to do with a more deep and personal level, but again, not much I can do about it. I've got to really sit down and grapple with what I have control over and what I do not have any control over. You can worry about things you have control over because it is a motivator, but the things you have no control over just eat up your time with useless thought. As cliche as it sounds, it is best to just pray about it because you must recognize that God has control over both, that which you can control, and that which you have no control over.

Peace and love.

Spending Time

It was an interesting day. I actually had options of things I could do this Saturday. Now usually I spend my free time in a very consistent manner. I watch a movie, take a nap, or a combination of the two. But I didn't want that today. I wanted to feel useful. Stuffy informed me that he was going to help Mitch build stages for a play production and I decided to join them. I haven't had much use for a power tool as of late, and I'm a little rusty I must confess, but it was good satisfying work. After that we went out and had a little dinner at the local Mexican joint and ended up running into almost everyone we knew from Belmont. The meal was good and the conversation was stimulating. Then we went out hunting with Mitch. He's getting ready for an 80's theme prom tomorrow night, so he needed to get some thrifty material to make his grand getup. Let's just say acid wash denim jacket with a Thundercat's t-shirt. I think that'll pretty much do it.

I learned a few new things about spiders lately also. See, we have a brown recluse problem in our house, and it's starting to pick back up again. So when I get nervous about something, I study it with the expectation that my fears are mostly irrational. That seems to be the case with the brown recluse. Here's what I know about them. They are tiny and brown and have a fiddle shape on their back. They grow to be about the size of a silver dollar (legs included). They are night predators with poor eyesite that don't build webs, but instead, scavange the floor looking for insects (preferrably dead because it's less work for them). They like hiding under things and travel in dim lighting at a very slow pace, sometimes picking up speed in quick spirts. They are mostly shy of human beings and will run when they feel threatened, but if they are pinned down, they will bite. Their bites are mostly painless, but very poisonous, though in most cases, not extremely harmful. Most bite cases have merely caused moderate swelling and itching. Some bites, however, may cause moderate to severe necrocis (legions of dead tissue on the skin) which will eat away at the flesh in a radius around the bite. The worst cases have required plastic surgery to mend, some bites have even caused death. The most seceptible to the venom of a brown recluse bite are infants and the elderly.

I actually have most likely been bitten by one already. It wasn't that bad. It was a swolen spot on my hip that was about the size of a quarter and it itched pretty bad, but it went down after a few hours and didn't bother me anymore. More than likely, it was probably hiding in a pair of pants when I put them on and it tagged me. But knowing more about them helps me rest easier at night which is what I'm about to do now. Peace and love.

What is Important to Me

I don't know why I'm so nervous about doing well on exams. I really don't care at this point how I do. I'm just excited to be done with it all. I aslo can't believe how long I've kept this journal. There's an estimated 1000 plus pages of my thoughts and happennings found on this site. I can't believe it.

Internally I'm having a rough time though. It's hard when you have opposing interests, a problem that I seem to confront quite often. Making mature decisions can cost a great deal and can be quite difficult to execute. One should almost expect that if a decision is easy to make, it is, in all probability, the wrong choice. No one ever got to the top by resting on their laurals, laurals that I don't really even have.

I don't really want laurals. The constitution of life is becoming more clear and valuable to me by each day, and that means so is what I do with my life. But being well known no longer rests on my list of satisfying accomplishments. I want success, certainly, and I want relationships, but power and money mean nothing to me. What money and power I've ever had seemed void of any satisfaction. Maybe it was satisfying to others around me that I had these opportunities, but to me they ment very little. If it is my design and my purpose on this earth to lead other men or to have hightened wealth, I will do it and be greatful and hope that one day I might learn the true fruits of my purpose. But for now I will find it quite difficult to settle on a single passion. I'm young and full of ideas with very little understanding of limitations. Because of that it might be some time before I truly understand the meaning of passion and satisfaction. We never stop growing.

Peace and love.

The 88s

I'm extremely tired right now and it's causing me to become vulnerable to frustration and self-centeredness. I really could use a solid night's sleep, but I must say that the amount of work I have been doing has been satisfying. I was up early for class this morning and then I went to our fraternal anual piano bash. It was good and I hit the piano several times with a sledge hammer, but I did also have the pleasure of cleaning it up. Pianos are heavy and after already pulling a muscle in my right forearm yesterday at church while lifting a speaker cab, well... I was more prone to injury today. I have cuts and scratches all over and I made the pulled muscle even worse. My body aches, and I suspect it will for a while, but at least I'm getting exercise. I haven't been in the gym for a while. It's a little more inconvenient when you live off campus.

Tomorrow will be pretty intense. I'm up at 6 to go to work until 2. After that I have lab that might extend to 5 which will lead me directly into my Music Publishing final. Once done with that I'll be setting up for the formal our fraternity will be having with Sigma Alpha Iota tomorrow night. Then I'll go home and slip into my tux, pick up Whitney, get some dinner and go dancing. It'll be fun, but I might have to have cafinated assistance to make it all the way through the day.

I'm still happy though. I know I'm busy right now, but I'm still happy. I'm looking forward to the week being over so that I can conentrate more fully on my future plans. I don't know how much time I'm going to take off between the end of this semester and the beginning of summer session, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. As I see it now, I'll probably need to go home twice in May. I'll be singing at Rose's wedding and then at the end of the month I'll be going to Charleston SC with my family to see where my sister and brother-in-law are moving.

I talk to much.

Peace and love.