Clouds and Space

I was floating in the pool tonight, completely tuned out of the social interaction happening around me. I was just floating and thinking, looking up at the cloudy night sky. It's ambiguous in a way. You can't tell what is cloud and what is empty space except for the occasional star to break the secret. But "ambiguitiy" seemed to be a very descriptive word of where my mind was sitting. It's the future, these next few months of immense change that are both inspiring and frightening. I don't really know what to make of it all other than my emotions are still not fully engaged in the reality that I will soon be leaving this life forever and moving on to a new one. All in all, that's really the way it is. Very little will physically follow me into this next place, and my relationships will be distanced, only held together by memory, photographs, facebook, and hardwire. It's no surprise that I'm not quite sure how to feel about things yet. I do have one dominating feeling. Bravery, cold and clear bravery. I've always been relatively good at goodbyes. I spend more of my time these days thinking about tomorrow moreso than I think about yesterday or even today. I suppose labeling myself as "brave" is conceited. It is usually not one's own say in the matter of being brave, but the judgement of the people around him or her. It is, however, the feeling that I reffer to. I feel as if I am ready to take the challenges head on. I know the reality of my situation which is that there is nothing outside of meaningful friendships left for me in this place. And as unfortunate as it is, life is more complex than my satisfaction with relationships. There are bills to be payed, deadlines to be met, and potentials to be realized, and I believe that those of us who choose to remain stagnant and unchanging in the midst of our present comforts, wave away more substance in our lives than we can even conceivably be aware. Again, this is my fatalistic perspective speaking once more of "potential" and "missing the train". My convictions, of which I am regaining focus on, would never allow me rest if I were to stay here and embrace valet or a bank job. But for these last two months, I wish to make the most of the time spent here. I'm not quite sure of what that means yet, but I know that when I do finally leave, my emotions will be much more difficult to ignore.

Peace and love