I have a choice... To live a normal life with a decent house, a wife, kids, a sturdy job, and benefits? Or... to live out a life where from one moment to the next there is no comfort and no certainty, no sturdy roof over my head and a goal that seems almost impossible to reach?
I'm fairly close to making my decision.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Pretty Bored
It's a Saturday night and I'm on duty. Not only that, but I initially forgot about it. I had my night all planned out and it was going to be pretty fun... but then I got the fatefull call... "Where are you?" I hate it when I forget about duty. So I came back to campus and buckled down for the long haul. Pembroke closed an hour early today because somebody thought it would be funny to turn a trashcan in the hallway up-side down. Hugo saw it and simply cancled visitation. That's cool. A little extra work for me, but whatever. I've made it to 1 o'clock though... so yay me. I haven't been this bored in a LONG time, but I survived!
Today was a great lazy day. The sky was cloudy, it was about 72 degrees, and windy. I slept in as late as I felt like and then went to the house to get my lunch. After lunch, Viking and I rode bikes for about 12 miles. We went to Centennial Park and rode around a few times and then rode to Belmont and then back to the house. It brought to my senses a freedom that I haven't experienced in a while. Sure it was hard work, but the wind in my hair well made up for it. Sometims all I think I need for life is a small cottage on the coast, a bike, a guitar, and a paper and pen... oh, and maybe some food and water! When I got back to the house I sat on the porch for a while in the rocking chair and listened to peaceful music while I watched the wind blow through the trees and the rain slowly fall. Over all, a very satisfying day. Oh yeah! I also got a date for the formal on tuesday. Pretty pumped about that I must say.
So right now I'm watching TV. There's a commercial on selling a product called Urine-Gone. Wow... thanks. I think I have a new favorite TV show though. It's called Banzai and it come on G4. It's a ridiculous Japanese show that makes stupid bets on crazy events and sees what happens. For one of the bets, they were taking wadgers on how many balloons it would take to fly a chicken. With 90 balloons the chicken took off and they didn't even try to stop it. They watched proudly as it rose into the sky. I'm in that kind of mood right now. I've been laughing histarically for a good while. It feels good.
Well... nothin else to say, so Peace and Love.
Today was a great lazy day. The sky was cloudy, it was about 72 degrees, and windy. I slept in as late as I felt like and then went to the house to get my lunch. After lunch, Viking and I rode bikes for about 12 miles. We went to Centennial Park and rode around a few times and then rode to Belmont and then back to the house. It brought to my senses a freedom that I haven't experienced in a while. Sure it was hard work, but the wind in my hair well made up for it. Sometims all I think I need for life is a small cottage on the coast, a bike, a guitar, and a paper and pen... oh, and maybe some food and water! When I got back to the house I sat on the porch for a while in the rocking chair and listened to peaceful music while I watched the wind blow through the trees and the rain slowly fall. Over all, a very satisfying day. Oh yeah! I also got a date for the formal on tuesday. Pretty pumped about that I must say.
So right now I'm watching TV. There's a commercial on selling a product called Urine-Gone. Wow... thanks. I think I have a new favorite TV show though. It's called Banzai and it come on G4. It's a ridiculous Japanese show that makes stupid bets on crazy events and sees what happens. For one of the bets, they were taking wadgers on how many balloons it would take to fly a chicken. With 90 balloons the chicken took off and they didn't even try to stop it. They watched proudly as it rose into the sky. I'm in that kind of mood right now. I've been laughing histarically for a good while. It feels good.
Well... nothin else to say, so Peace and Love.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
All of it Shining Through
God answers prayer. I think I'm officially hired as an employee of Towne Park valet service for the summer. I'm glad because a lot of my friends are going to be working there, so it should be a good experience. But I'm still trying to sort though my mind these days, getting all the clutter out and filling it back up with clarity of some kind. It's rough though. I'm still having a hard time talking straight. Even driving has been an extra difficult task as of late. My future keeps bothering me, and I wish I could just let it go. I don't want to waste my life by worrying about tomorrow all of the time. I want to be greatful for the time I have now.
I ran sound tonight for two pretty good bands tonight. I can't remember the second act's name, but he played acoustic guitar and wrote great lyrics. It motivated me for a moment or two to become the kind of lyricist he was. I want to write that kind of inspiring music. I mean it's really hard for me to go to a show and actually enjoy it, especially if the music is cliche Christian, but he was that rare jewel. I enjoyed his music and the lyrics and they didn't seem cliche at all. It reached into my soul sort of the way music used to before I moved to Nashville. That's one of the reasons I want to leave when I graduate. My love of music has been tied to a chair and beaten to lifelessness for the past three years. I want to play for people who can take joy in what my heart produces. I want to sing to people who can get lost in it. That's hard to find in a city of competing musicians. I don't even sit in the solitude of my room and play for myself anymore. I've lost all motivation. But whenever I leave I'm filled with it again. I get all of these great ideas and new lyrics sloshing over the brim of my brain. It's hard to contain.
Tonight was the last floor meeting that I will lead in Pembroke. Soon all of the residents will be moving out and then me, but this time for good. It will be hard. I'll see my home of three years every day until I graduate, but it won't be the same. The people who will live here won't know who I am or care. It will move on without me, but that's a part of life, I suppose, that we all must adjust to. Uncertainty comes next. I should have fun with it like I did when I was a kid. I loved uncertainty. But somewhere along the way I found it convenient to be stressed over uncertainty. It's not convenient, it's stupid. The root of it must be malcontent. I don't want to be a malcontent. Peace and love.
I ran sound tonight for two pretty good bands tonight. I can't remember the second act's name, but he played acoustic guitar and wrote great lyrics. It motivated me for a moment or two to become the kind of lyricist he was. I want to write that kind of inspiring music. I mean it's really hard for me to go to a show and actually enjoy it, especially if the music is cliche Christian, but he was that rare jewel. I enjoyed his music and the lyrics and they didn't seem cliche at all. It reached into my soul sort of the way music used to before I moved to Nashville. That's one of the reasons I want to leave when I graduate. My love of music has been tied to a chair and beaten to lifelessness for the past three years. I want to play for people who can take joy in what my heart produces. I want to sing to people who can get lost in it. That's hard to find in a city of competing musicians. I don't even sit in the solitude of my room and play for myself anymore. I've lost all motivation. But whenever I leave I'm filled with it again. I get all of these great ideas and new lyrics sloshing over the brim of my brain. It's hard to contain.
Tonight was the last floor meeting that I will lead in Pembroke. Soon all of the residents will be moving out and then me, but this time for good. It will be hard. I'll see my home of three years every day until I graduate, but it won't be the same. The people who will live here won't know who I am or care. It will move on without me, but that's a part of life, I suppose, that we all must adjust to. Uncertainty comes next. I should have fun with it like I did when I was a kid. I loved uncertainty. But somewhere along the way I found it convenient to be stressed over uncertainty. It's not convenient, it's stupid. The root of it must be malcontent. I don't want to be a malcontent. Peace and love.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Words
Words... I go through these bizarre phases where I'm just awkward at communication. My mind gets cluttered and I have so much to say, but I just get all jumbled up when I try to say it.
Right now I'm enduring a lot of pressure from reality. It's getting later in the year and I'll be here all summer. I've got my housing squared away, but I still haven't got my hands around another job for income. I've got lots of money I need to make this summer. And wow, I just realized that this is the last summer I'll ever have as a student. After this, I'll be a professional with year-round responsibility to my career.
My career. What career? "What do I want to do when I graduate?" I'm pretty sure that every college student is faced with that question at this point in their education. I just don't know yet. Right now all I'm concerned about is some decent and steady income that I can use to pay off my student loans. I don't even care if it's in my field of study. Speaking of my field of study, I'm afraid I'll have to come to an ultimatum. I don't know if I can make a good living at what I do unless I sell my dreams and other aspirations to do it. That would include any possibility of a family in the future. I don't want that. Work for me has never been the ends to my means. For many people, that's all fine and good. They are in love enough with what they do for it to pacify and satisfy them for the rest of their lives. For me, work is a means to achieve other ends. In Africa, Godwin met with me separately and said something that still sticks in my head. He said that you must be right with three things in life to be truly happy. First you must be right with God above all others. Second, you must be right with your wife. Third, you must be right with your work. If you fail at any one of these things, the other two will begin to slip. I want work that I can do and do well, but I can't allow it to command more of me than the other two. So where do I find a job like that in my field of study. The more and more I study it, the less and less of an idea I have. It seems almost impossible.
Am I worried about exams right now? Not really. My future is more of a concern to me now than any of that. I know that it will all work out, but how much effort will I have to put into it and how much will God provide? I don't want to miss any opportunities because of pride, laziness, or distraction. That kind of sharp focus is the pressure I feel, which leads me back to why I can't speak intelligently right now. Peace and love.
Right now I'm enduring a lot of pressure from reality. It's getting later in the year and I'll be here all summer. I've got my housing squared away, but I still haven't got my hands around another job for income. I've got lots of money I need to make this summer. And wow, I just realized that this is the last summer I'll ever have as a student. After this, I'll be a professional with year-round responsibility to my career.
My career. What career? "What do I want to do when I graduate?" I'm pretty sure that every college student is faced with that question at this point in their education. I just don't know yet. Right now all I'm concerned about is some decent and steady income that I can use to pay off my student loans. I don't even care if it's in my field of study. Speaking of my field of study, I'm afraid I'll have to come to an ultimatum. I don't know if I can make a good living at what I do unless I sell my dreams and other aspirations to do it. That would include any possibility of a family in the future. I don't want that. Work for me has never been the ends to my means. For many people, that's all fine and good. They are in love enough with what they do for it to pacify and satisfy them for the rest of their lives. For me, work is a means to achieve other ends. In Africa, Godwin met with me separately and said something that still sticks in my head. He said that you must be right with three things in life to be truly happy. First you must be right with God above all others. Second, you must be right with your wife. Third, you must be right with your work. If you fail at any one of these things, the other two will begin to slip. I want work that I can do and do well, but I can't allow it to command more of me than the other two. So where do I find a job like that in my field of study. The more and more I study it, the less and less of an idea I have. It seems almost impossible.
Am I worried about exams right now? Not really. My future is more of a concern to me now than any of that. I know that it will all work out, but how much effort will I have to put into it and how much will God provide? I don't want to miss any opportunities because of pride, laziness, or distraction. That kind of sharp focus is the pressure I feel, which leads me back to why I can't speak intelligently right now. Peace and love.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Diet Change
I'm running out of campus money for food and I don't have much money coming in from work anymore as the end of the year is upon us, so in the transition period between now and when I find a job, I am altering my diet. I was so intrigued by how the complete sushi meal made me feel over spring break that I'm moving in that direction. Though I can't make sushi for myself (yet) I'm going to work on fixing rice and ginger salads, ramen (of course) and then I might get around to fixing up some sushi if I have the time. It'll be fun. Right now for instance, I just finished the rigorous process of making sticky rice. It's not perfect but it's pretty dang close to restaurant style. I'll be writing down my mistakes at some point. I'm also going to try to learn how to make okonomayaki from Matt's brother-in-law. That was some good eats right there too. Well... I'm out for the night. Peace and love.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Salem, Virginia
Went to Virginia for break with Matt being that it was his 21st birthday this weekend. We stayed with his sister and brother-in-law, having good times and doing lots of Japanese things. I really needed something like that. It was refreshing not only to see a different landscape for a while, but also to see a healthy relationship between newlyweds for an extended period of time. Exposure to such people has brought me closer and closer to relinquishing my fears of marriage.
The drive was nice too. It's good to be with a friend who you can be closed up with for long durations of time and not have to say anything to in order to maintain a relaxed atmosphere. Matt is a good friend for both his conversation and his silence. I think we are like-minded in that characteristic. Anyways, I would like to say that I sat and pondered several deep theological ideas with all that free time, but truth be told, I really didn't think about anything for a long long time. It was good for me. It was a means to clear my head. The sun was shining, the flowers along the road were blooming, and all seemed peaceful.
I've had my share of dreams for the past few days though. Some of them weird, some showing events in the future that probably won't happen (thank God), and some of them displaying deep wounds from the past that seemed to work their way into my subconscious. I have so many vivid dreams. I remember so many of them too. I like that though. It's easy to convince yourself of who you are contrary to what you really know, but dreams often have a way of forcign you into being truthful with yourself. There are some things that I haven't finished dealing with no matter what I tell myself.
Well, I don't know what else to say. I have a lot to get organized before I go off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a pretty busy day too. Peace and love.
The drive was nice too. It's good to be with a friend who you can be closed up with for long durations of time and not have to say anything to in order to maintain a relaxed atmosphere. Matt is a good friend for both his conversation and his silence. I think we are like-minded in that characteristic. Anyways, I would like to say that I sat and pondered several deep theological ideas with all that free time, but truth be told, I really didn't think about anything for a long long time. It was good for me. It was a means to clear my head. The sun was shining, the flowers along the road were blooming, and all seemed peaceful.
I've had my share of dreams for the past few days though. Some of them weird, some showing events in the future that probably won't happen (thank God), and some of them displaying deep wounds from the past that seemed to work their way into my subconscious. I have so many vivid dreams. I remember so many of them too. I like that though. It's easy to convince yourself of who you are contrary to what you really know, but dreams often have a way of forcign you into being truthful with yourself. There are some things that I haven't finished dealing with no matter what I tell myself.
Well, I don't know what else to say. I have a lot to get organized before I go off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a pretty busy day too. Peace and love.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Pain... The Good Kind
Let's get this out of the way. I hurt pretty bad right now, but it's all good. I played a lot of frisbee yesterday and did some tumbling in the park. It turned out to be a gorgeous day. I did land on my head once though while doing an insane frisbee catch. It jared me pretty good so my neck is soar. My legs also hurt and I have some gashes in my shins. On top of that, I just played a game of ultimate with an actual league from Vanderbilt with Viking and Matt. It was good fun and I didn't realize how good I actually was. I'm going to pay for it in the morning though. That's for sure. Oh, and by the way, we won. I had one score and one assist.
Saturday was when my family came to visit. It was alot of fun and, though the time was short, we all had a pretty good time, even though the showcase was postponed. I gave the city tour and then we went to Elliston's Soda Shop for lunch. After that, we went on more tour and then back to the house. Matt and Stuffy had the great idea of playing some music out on the porch. Matt grabbed lots of drum toys, Stuffy had the guitar, I grabbed the mandolin, and Viking played his djimbe. It was good fun. Even the neighbors came out to listen. My mom and sister cooked everybody a huge fried chicken dinner. We're still eating the leftovers from that. I even got a cake for my birthday. Sunday we all went to my church. Everyone really liked it which was encouraging to me. We then went to the traditional Sir Pizza for lunch and then my folks left. Again, it was really good to see everybody. That was the first time my entire family has been to Nashville.
The best news I've had all day is that I think I'm going to end up graduating in a four year plan like I'm supposed to. I find out for sure tomorrow if I even have to take summer courses. Let's keep our fingers crossed on that one.
So yeah, I feel pretty good this week. It's only a three day week too, so that'll be great. Oh yeah, and sorry my writing was so juvenile tonight. I think the hit to my head yesterday has me really mixed up and uncreative. I hope you all are doing well. Peace and love.
Saturday was when my family came to visit. It was alot of fun and, though the time was short, we all had a pretty good time, even though the showcase was postponed. I gave the city tour and then we went to Elliston's Soda Shop for lunch. After that, we went on more tour and then back to the house. Matt and Stuffy had the great idea of playing some music out on the porch. Matt grabbed lots of drum toys, Stuffy had the guitar, I grabbed the mandolin, and Viking played his djimbe. It was good fun. Even the neighbors came out to listen. My mom and sister cooked everybody a huge fried chicken dinner. We're still eating the leftovers from that. I even got a cake for my birthday. Sunday we all went to my church. Everyone really liked it which was encouraging to me. We then went to the traditional Sir Pizza for lunch and then my folks left. Again, it was really good to see everybody. That was the first time my entire family has been to Nashville.
The best news I've had all day is that I think I'm going to end up graduating in a four year plan like I'm supposed to. I find out for sure tomorrow if I even have to take summer courses. Let's keep our fingers crossed on that one.
So yeah, I feel pretty good this week. It's only a three day week too, so that'll be great. Oh yeah, and sorry my writing was so juvenile tonight. I think the hit to my head yesterday has me really mixed up and uncreative. I hope you all are doing well. Peace and love.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Again... already?
Well... here it is again. A birthday. I guess I'm hitting that period now where I don't really like my birthday anymore. It just reminds me of how old I am getting and how much there is that I haven't had time to accomplish yet. I don't really have anything age wise to look forward to except for maybe car insurance reduction. Reflections get harder too. There are more mistakes in my past each year that make it hard to see the good things. I can't really help but reflect about life these days.
I guess the only thing I want this year is for some sort of door to open up. I don't really care what kind of door... unless of course it's the bathroom door or any other generic door that I use on a daily basis... but I guess there could be something cool waiting behind any of those doors at any given point... except for the bathroom door... I don't even really care if I find love. Seems like lots of guys are sulking these days because they don't have anyone to hold or talk to, but I just don't care anymore. I gave it a whirl a few weeks ago against my own will just to see if I could get motivated, but all it did was remind me of just why I don't do that sort of thing. I'm content being single. I just don't think that there's anything a relationship could do for me at this point. In fact, I'll make a safe resolution which goes against my previous nature. By this time next year I will feel the same.
But a door. Maybe motivation would be nice. Maybe a goal would be nice. I was thinking today and I really just don't have any of those things. I wake up each morning with one thing in mind. I have to make it to the end of the day without forgetting anything too important.
Man, I'm hungry. I'm out. Peace and love.
I guess the only thing I want this year is for some sort of door to open up. I don't really care what kind of door... unless of course it's the bathroom door or any other generic door that I use on a daily basis... but I guess there could be something cool waiting behind any of those doors at any given point... except for the bathroom door... I don't even really care if I find love. Seems like lots of guys are sulking these days because they don't have anyone to hold or talk to, but I just don't care anymore. I gave it a whirl a few weeks ago against my own will just to see if I could get motivated, but all it did was remind me of just why I don't do that sort of thing. I'm content being single. I just don't think that there's anything a relationship could do for me at this point. In fact, I'll make a safe resolution which goes against my previous nature. By this time next year I will feel the same.
But a door. Maybe motivation would be nice. Maybe a goal would be nice. I was thinking today and I really just don't have any of those things. I wake up each morning with one thing in mind. I have to make it to the end of the day without forgetting anything too important.
Man, I'm hungry. I'm out. Peace and love.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Clean
My session that I was supposed to attend today was cancled, and I didn't find out until 8 o'clock this morning when I was already up and dressed to go. I would have enjoyed the experience, but it was sort of a blessing to have the day off. Last night I wrote a lot about the decisions I'm having to make all within the next two weeks, but I ended up deleting. Having the day off really gave me the opportunity to get those decisions squared away... atleast most of them.
At about two o'clock, I headed over to the house to give it a major overhaul. That place was filthy, so I tucked in my shirt, cracked my knuckles, and gave it a good spit-shinin. It took me most of the day and still doesn't look fabulous, but it definitaly looks better than before. It was satisfying work. I like doing something where you can stand back and immediately see the results.
So now I'm tired and my back hurts. My back has been hurting alot lately. The nurse told me to take some aleive or something, but I don't like medicine. I'm too lazy. I know it's weird but I won't take medicine unless I am suffering way more than I can stand.
Oh, I can't wait to see what they are going to do with parking over the next few days. Half of campus is blocked off for an event that is five days away (or something close to that). As if parking wasn't bad enough already. I'm tempted to not drive for a while, but I know that's not possible.
Ahhh... that's it. It's that time of year for me to upgrade my screen name... I wonder if anyone can guess what it is?
Well, that's it for tonight. I'm gettin some sleep a little earlier. Peace and love.
At about two o'clock, I headed over to the house to give it a major overhaul. That place was filthy, so I tucked in my shirt, cracked my knuckles, and gave it a good spit-shinin. It took me most of the day and still doesn't look fabulous, but it definitaly looks better than before. It was satisfying work. I like doing something where you can stand back and immediately see the results.
So now I'm tired and my back hurts. My back has been hurting alot lately. The nurse told me to take some aleive or something, but I don't like medicine. I'm too lazy. I know it's weird but I won't take medicine unless I am suffering way more than I can stand.
Oh, I can't wait to see what they are going to do with parking over the next few days. Half of campus is blocked off for an event that is five days away (or something close to that). As if parking wasn't bad enough already. I'm tempted to not drive for a while, but I know that's not possible.
Ahhh... that's it. It's that time of year for me to upgrade my screen name... I wonder if anyone can guess what it is?
Well, that's it for tonight. I'm gettin some sleep a little earlier. Peace and love.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
The Front Porch and the Storm
What a day today has been. Do you ever have one of those days where you are rudely awakened by all of the responsibilities you have been putting off and putting off?... That day was today for me. Tshhh... What am I talking about? I can be so shallow sometimes. What I really want to talk about is what I felt today. What did I observe? Talking about responsibility is a given. I shouldn't have to write about it because everybody can probably rest assured that the average college student is very busy.
Church was good this morning. You know what I hate about Sunday though? I hate that it's the only day where I really get down and focus completely on God. Sunday shouldn't be the only spiritually refreshing day of the week for me. But here I am before you, a man easily distracted by meaningless crap. I talked with my mentor after church though and we're probably going to meet sometime this week. That'll be nice. I need someone to challenge me head on. I've been thinking a lot about challenge lately. I don't have too much meaningful challenge here. It's mostly task oriented and by doing it I might become a skilled coordinator or businessman, but that's not really what is important to me. I've always been curious as to what my full potential is. I mean what is my absolute maximum potential? I already know that I am capable of so much, but I am nowhere near what I could be. I know that for sure. Each day is an opportunity to learn more and develop more, but if I am not careful and use the wisdom that God has given me, I believe that it can be very easy to regress and get comfortable in being simple and mediocre. I need a challenge to keep my head above water.
Speaking of water, this evening was quite relaxing. I spent most of it sitting on the front porch at the house with Viking and Matt just watching the rain fall and the lightning peal through the sky. Some of it got pretty close, but I was too relaxed to even jump in my seat. It was a nice warm rain, something that has always been pleasing to me because it makes its own music unlike that of winter rain. Winter rain tends to trickle and pierce through your skin into your soul. Warm rain pacifies me. I think it's because when I was younger I used to watch it rain really hard from the old screen door in the kitchen. There was a tall oak tree a very short distance away that used to sway violently in the wind and its leaves made a shush sound when it rained or stormed. I used to call it "the barkley tree" because it looked like broccoli, only I couldn't say broccoli at that age. Anyways, I liked it then and I like it now.
New news next door to the house. Some girls our age moved in, and though I haven't talked to them yet, they seem nice. So that's that.
Finally I'm sorta lost as to how I should feel right now. It has been exactly a year since I was out on the soccer field praying that God would spare the life of my friend Phillip Schrum. He was hit by a car while jogging at home on his spring break. I was in a recording session when I found out down in studio A. I remember how helpless I felt. I remember being out there on the soccer field and when I came back in Colleen called me to go over and calm down Ivy Lee. She knew Phillip from high school. She had heard that Phillip was dead and was frantic, but I had a different source that said he wasn't, so I assured her that he was doing better and that she should go back to sleep and that I would call her if anything happened. When I got back to my room I called my parents and they said everything was stable so I went to sleep and as soon as I closed my eyes my phone rang again. It was what I thought. I didn't cry though. I just got really angry and punched a door and then went into the quad and dry-heaved in the grass. Chubbs was there. I tried to go back to my room and sleep after that, but I couldn't, so I packed up my things, jumped into my car, and drove home. It was seven hours and I decided to stop off and pick up Andy in Ashville because that's on the way and all. Both our dads came and met us there and drove us the rest of the way, but I still didn't cry. When I got home I slept for around 18 hours and when I woke up I just didn't feel like it was all real. We went to church to prepare the music for the memorial service and I still didn't feel like it was real. I remember trying to cry, but I couldn't. The next day was the funeral and the service. Before the funeral, we went to the house and I went to his room and sat on his bed and just thought for a while. At the funeral is when I cried, and I cried, I really let go. I hadn't cried for four years before that. I had a lot to let go of. There's nothing in this world like standing in front of a casket with one of your close friends in it. I cried at the service too, before the music started. When we had to play, I played and I was pretty dry until the last song. It was like God had given me the strength to get through it, but then He took it at the last moment as if to say that it was His and not mine. I broke down behind stage.
So it has been a year since then. I don't know how I feel right now. I feel like I should be mourning, but I don't remember how. I haven't cied since. There hasn't seemed to be anything worth crying about since then. I can't say too much though. I'm not much of a crier. Well, I'm going to pack up my stuff and head back to my room. I'm done working now, but I think I'll get started on my project for Tuesday. Peace and love.
Church was good this morning. You know what I hate about Sunday though? I hate that it's the only day where I really get down and focus completely on God. Sunday shouldn't be the only spiritually refreshing day of the week for me. But here I am before you, a man easily distracted by meaningless crap. I talked with my mentor after church though and we're probably going to meet sometime this week. That'll be nice. I need someone to challenge me head on. I've been thinking a lot about challenge lately. I don't have too much meaningful challenge here. It's mostly task oriented and by doing it I might become a skilled coordinator or businessman, but that's not really what is important to me. I've always been curious as to what my full potential is. I mean what is my absolute maximum potential? I already know that I am capable of so much, but I am nowhere near what I could be. I know that for sure. Each day is an opportunity to learn more and develop more, but if I am not careful and use the wisdom that God has given me, I believe that it can be very easy to regress and get comfortable in being simple and mediocre. I need a challenge to keep my head above water.
Speaking of water, this evening was quite relaxing. I spent most of it sitting on the front porch at the house with Viking and Matt just watching the rain fall and the lightning peal through the sky. Some of it got pretty close, but I was too relaxed to even jump in my seat. It was a nice warm rain, something that has always been pleasing to me because it makes its own music unlike that of winter rain. Winter rain tends to trickle and pierce through your skin into your soul. Warm rain pacifies me. I think it's because when I was younger I used to watch it rain really hard from the old screen door in the kitchen. There was a tall oak tree a very short distance away that used to sway violently in the wind and its leaves made a shush sound when it rained or stormed. I used to call it "the barkley tree" because it looked like broccoli, only I couldn't say broccoli at that age. Anyways, I liked it then and I like it now.
New news next door to the house. Some girls our age moved in, and though I haven't talked to them yet, they seem nice. So that's that.
Finally I'm sorta lost as to how I should feel right now. It has been exactly a year since I was out on the soccer field praying that God would spare the life of my friend Phillip Schrum. He was hit by a car while jogging at home on his spring break. I was in a recording session when I found out down in studio A. I remember how helpless I felt. I remember being out there on the soccer field and when I came back in Colleen called me to go over and calm down Ivy Lee. She knew Phillip from high school. She had heard that Phillip was dead and was frantic, but I had a different source that said he wasn't, so I assured her that he was doing better and that she should go back to sleep and that I would call her if anything happened. When I got back to my room I called my parents and they said everything was stable so I went to sleep and as soon as I closed my eyes my phone rang again. It was what I thought. I didn't cry though. I just got really angry and punched a door and then went into the quad and dry-heaved in the grass. Chubbs was there. I tried to go back to my room and sleep after that, but I couldn't, so I packed up my things, jumped into my car, and drove home. It was seven hours and I decided to stop off and pick up Andy in Ashville because that's on the way and all. Both our dads came and met us there and drove us the rest of the way, but I still didn't cry. When I got home I slept for around 18 hours and when I woke up I just didn't feel like it was all real. We went to church to prepare the music for the memorial service and I still didn't feel like it was real. I remember trying to cry, but I couldn't. The next day was the funeral and the service. Before the funeral, we went to the house and I went to his room and sat on his bed and just thought for a while. At the funeral is when I cried, and I cried, I really let go. I hadn't cried for four years before that. I had a lot to let go of. There's nothing in this world like standing in front of a casket with one of your close friends in it. I cried at the service too, before the music started. When we had to play, I played and I was pretty dry until the last song. It was like God had given me the strength to get through it, but then He took it at the last moment as if to say that it was His and not mine. I broke down behind stage.
So it has been a year since then. I don't know how I feel right now. I feel like I should be mourning, but I don't remember how. I haven't cied since. There hasn't seemed to be anything worth crying about since then. I can't say too much though. I'm not much of a crier. Well, I'm going to pack up my stuff and head back to my room. I'm done working now, but I think I'll get started on my project for Tuesday. Peace and love.
Hard to do the Right Thing
The show tonight was amazing and I felt really good about the band's performance. After that I went to the house and did a little bit of fire breathing. I remember now why it is that I don't do that anymore. It used to be exciting, but now it's just harmful. But right now I've crawled into one of those deep trains of thought. The subject at the moment is "doing the right thing" and how hard it is sometimes. I think that sometimes I get lazy or impatient and it brings me to desire the "easy way out", which often causes someone else to suffer. It is not my place to make another person suffer, even if it seems justifiable in my eyes. More often than not my eyes don't see too well anyways. So I did what I had to do tonight, even though I possibly could have used the opportunity and manipulated it and pulled some fleeting opportunity out of it. I'm waiting now for the peace to set in.
And so I guess I could just sit here and think about all of the things that I have to do before Monday. Worry worry worry. I'm tired of worrying. I miss not worrying about anything. God has this funny way of taking care of things on their own. Sure, you should work hard to accomplish your goals, but worrying about their fruition is not going to increase the chance of success. I need a massage. My back hurts from all my worries. It's getting worse and worse these days. I find myself having sharp pain when I bend down. I'm only 22. That's not old enough to be feeling "old pains" yet.
Sometimes I just long to slow down and breath. I realize that I work so hard to get through a day, and when it is all said and done with, I can only look back and wish that I hadn't been so careless with the time. I've had it good, but I was in such a hurry that I didn't realize it until much later.
I look forward to sleep tonight. I've been having a series of good dreams lately. They're the really interesting and vivid kind. Two nights ago, in a dream, I watched a tornado slowly form in the sky while standing on a pier on a harbor over rough waters. Sometimes I wonder what it all means, if anything. But most of the time I just sit back and enjoy them. Hope you are blessed with good dreams tonight. Me? I'm going to shut up and hit the pillows. Peace and love.
And so I guess I could just sit here and think about all of the things that I have to do before Monday. Worry worry worry. I'm tired of worrying. I miss not worrying about anything. God has this funny way of taking care of things on their own. Sure, you should work hard to accomplish your goals, but worrying about their fruition is not going to increase the chance of success. I need a massage. My back hurts from all my worries. It's getting worse and worse these days. I find myself having sharp pain when I bend down. I'm only 22. That's not old enough to be feeling "old pains" yet.
Sometimes I just long to slow down and breath. I realize that I work so hard to get through a day, and when it is all said and done with, I can only look back and wish that I hadn't been so careless with the time. I've had it good, but I was in such a hurry that I didn't realize it until much later.
I look forward to sleep tonight. I've been having a series of good dreams lately. They're the really interesting and vivid kind. Two nights ago, in a dream, I watched a tornado slowly form in the sky while standing on a pier on a harbor over rough waters. Sometimes I wonder what it all means, if anything. But most of the time I just sit back and enjoy them. Hope you are blessed with good dreams tonight. Me? I'm going to shut up and hit the pillows. Peace and love.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Sunny Day Extrovert
I've figured it out. I know what the problem is. The factor that defines whether or not I feel introverted or extroverted is the sunlight and warm weather. I don't think I could possibly be reclusive on a day like today. It was so amazing outside! I've been playing frisbee like a dog though, and it's starting to ware down on my body. No matter. I love throwing frisbee.
Matt and I also did a lot of mixing both some of our sessions and a project I'm working on for Clayton. I'm learning a lot and I really have enjoyed the final products. Also in the musical side of announcements, our show is coming up on Saturday night at 7 o'clock. You should be there if you can. If you can't, it will be video taped so no worries, but we'd love to have your energy present at the actual show. We expect to have a pretty decent showing. Lot's of people want to come and support us which makes me happy. It's really great to see something you've put so much time and effort into finally come to fruition.
Oh, here we go. I'm wrestling with a new idea. I'm sorta feeling like I need to learn how to dance... as much as I hate dancing. I think that I would have it in me to appreciate it more if I could actually do it, plus, I feel like I have a lot of potential. Potential or not, though, it's all about whether or not I have time. Time is key. But to me, it's crazy how much girls like dancing. I was on rounds tonight and I wound up in the middle of a dance party and all of these girls kept trying to pressure me to dance, but I just didn't feel like it. I cut loose, but I don't cut loose in a setting like that. My "cutting loose" is more objective. I like flippin out with my close friends doing something that has an objective rather than flippin out with strangers with no objective at all. Sure, granted there were a few people there that I knew, but I just didn't want to do it. Again, I probably would have if I actually knew how. See, a woman who doesn't know how to dance can just look good standing there and swaying to the music... A guy that does the same thing just ends up looking stupid and awkward. In fact... now that I think about it... The only reason I would ever watch MTV or VH1 is because sometimes they have those scenes in the club where there's this guy who thinks he's hot stuff just bein a complete log in between two girls who are actually dancing. That's all I think those channels are good for. Otherwise I just can't wrap my mind around television that could be more shallow and more mindless than what comes on those stations. I think that every negative connotation that is attached to the American culture is very accurately and very seriously displayed on those channels.
Now that I have spoken my peace about what used to be Music television. I shall drift off to bed. Peace and love.
Matt and I also did a lot of mixing both some of our sessions and a project I'm working on for Clayton. I'm learning a lot and I really have enjoyed the final products. Also in the musical side of announcements, our show is coming up on Saturday night at 7 o'clock. You should be there if you can. If you can't, it will be video taped so no worries, but we'd love to have your energy present at the actual show. We expect to have a pretty decent showing. Lot's of people want to come and support us which makes me happy. It's really great to see something you've put so much time and effort into finally come to fruition.
Oh, here we go. I'm wrestling with a new idea. I'm sorta feeling like I need to learn how to dance... as much as I hate dancing. I think that I would have it in me to appreciate it more if I could actually do it, plus, I feel like I have a lot of potential. Potential or not, though, it's all about whether or not I have time. Time is key. But to me, it's crazy how much girls like dancing. I was on rounds tonight and I wound up in the middle of a dance party and all of these girls kept trying to pressure me to dance, but I just didn't feel like it. I cut loose, but I don't cut loose in a setting like that. My "cutting loose" is more objective. I like flippin out with my close friends doing something that has an objective rather than flippin out with strangers with no objective at all. Sure, granted there were a few people there that I knew, but I just didn't want to do it. Again, I probably would have if I actually knew how. See, a woman who doesn't know how to dance can just look good standing there and swaying to the music... A guy that does the same thing just ends up looking stupid and awkward. In fact... now that I think about it... The only reason I would ever watch MTV or VH1 is because sometimes they have those scenes in the club where there's this guy who thinks he's hot stuff just bein a complete log in between two girls who are actually dancing. That's all I think those channels are good for. Otherwise I just can't wrap my mind around television that could be more shallow and more mindless than what comes on those stations. I think that every negative connotation that is attached to the American culture is very accurately and very seriously displayed on those channels.
Now that I have spoken my peace about what used to be Music television. I shall drift off to bed. Peace and love.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
It All Added Up to This
Who would have thought that when my parents first layed eyes on eachother it would turn into this. Here I am, 21, almost 22 years old. I have my own problems and my own successes. When I was a child I couldn't have immagined seeing this far down the road, yet here I am. But yet there is a level of dissatisfaction floating around in my head. I am dissappointed because I have already experienced so much at a young age. I've been around the world. I've lived in luxury and in poverty. I've driven all sorts of different cars. I've slept in mansions and in mud huts. I've had really hot girlfriends. I've done risky and extreme things like skiing, rock climbing, hunting, and camping by myself. I've been to four oceans. I've been to weddings and funerals. I've eaten all sorts of exotic foods. I've played music for both people who did and didn't care. I've saved lives. I have an old girlfriend who is both married and a mother. I've witnessed some of the most perfect sunsets I could immagine and sunrises as well. I'm incredibly expreienced for my age which makes me wonder... What is the rest of my life going to amount to?
So what haven't I done that I still look forward to? I haven't experienced true love and its... benefits... I haven't experienced fatherhood. I haven't expreienced my own plot of land. I haven't experienced a created legacy. I haven't expreienced my own death.
Now I know there are some things that make life feel more enjoyable that unexpectedly leap out at you, but I just feel too content for my age. Nothing really surprises me anymore. There is nothing that I hear, see, taste, touch, smell, or sense in any other way that just blows me away. So I ask myself, "what's left?" I feel like I've had the majority of the best I could have in the very beginning like a sprinter in a crosscountry meet. All I get to do now is drag my body to the end of the race, heaven all the while looking more and more appealing. That sounds depressing, but I'm not depressed. I don't know, maybe something will even happen to change my perspective...
Haha... like right now maybe. I just opened up my Bible to the record keeping pages and realized that I could only fill in like two differnet lines in there... Pretty funny if you ask me. Peace and love.
So what haven't I done that I still look forward to? I haven't experienced true love and its... benefits... I haven't experienced fatherhood. I haven't expreienced my own plot of land. I haven't experienced a created legacy. I haven't expreienced my own death.
Now I know there are some things that make life feel more enjoyable that unexpectedly leap out at you, but I just feel too content for my age. Nothing really surprises me anymore. There is nothing that I hear, see, taste, touch, smell, or sense in any other way that just blows me away. So I ask myself, "what's left?" I feel like I've had the majority of the best I could have in the very beginning like a sprinter in a crosscountry meet. All I get to do now is drag my body to the end of the race, heaven all the while looking more and more appealing. That sounds depressing, but I'm not depressed. I don't know, maybe something will even happen to change my perspective...
Haha... like right now maybe. I just opened up my Bible to the record keeping pages and realized that I could only fill in like two differnet lines in there... Pretty funny if you ask me. Peace and love.
Monday, March 27, 2006
To Feel
Church this morning wasn't quite as thought provoking as it usually is, but of course, it was a different speaker. I disagreed with several of his points. First off, I do not believe that the purpose of the Holy Spirit living in us is to point out all the times in a day when we screw up. A guide, as he called it, doesn't rest on that function as its main purpose. A guide will direct and teach. Sometimes we are guided through correction, but He's not sitting in a chair behind a chalk board marking tallies. Second, I am always wary about sermons that bring up the topic of Satan. So many people automatically assume that because both God and Satan do not keep a visible form that Satan must also be omnipresent. Sure, he has powers that shouldn't be scoffed at, but he's not powerful enough for omnipresence. That's giving him too much credit. Besides, James points out that our sins are usually a result of the nature within us. I bring that up because generally, by our nature, we are tempted to cast blame on others, even towards the Devil if there is a convincing enough case to show that the shoe fits. I've always felt that if the Devil were to directly tempt me, it would be a great honor because the only people we know of who have had a person-to-being confrontation with Satan were of amazing significance. There was Adam and Eve, Job, Joshua, and Jesus himself. This is all opinion, but it seems to make sense to me, and from my experience, you can't really confuse demonic presence with influence from human sin temptation.
I just don't believe that demonic experiences are very frequent here. Why? I like to view it from a military standpoint. You have to pick your targets decisively and concentrate where there is the most threat. Demonic presence isn't much of a problem in our culture because we are already too busy fighting our own vices. We glorify money, posessions, knowledge, and time. These are man-made idols we are able to glorify within the physical rhelm which leads us to feel secure. I believe that this is the reason why there are very few interferences. The movie "The Usual Suspects" puts it very well in saying that "The greatest trick the Devil ever played was to convince the world that he doesn't exist."
Earlier today I did get the opportunity to ride with Brady on his new motorcycle. It was a lot of fun, but it gave me a better perspective as to how dangerous they really are. I'm good at creating simulations in my mind of exactly how something could happen. Riding that fast with nothing between me and the road but balance and some thin cloths added up to "maybe this isn't a great idea." Still... it was fun. Death always adds fun to the factor (atleast in the mind of a young adult male).
Now I feel sorta sick. I mean I've been sick along with the majority of campus since last week, but for some reason it got worse today. I got a pretty bad stomach ache and a head ache. I just took my temperature... it's normal. Ah, but tomorrow I'm going to be so busy. Schedules fill up pretty fast these days. I've got alot on my mind right now, and I need to find a way to work that off. That being said, I think I'm going to try and get back into the gym. I generally feel good after I work out unless I work out too hard.
What's some of the stuff that's been on my mind? Well... I have realized just how awkward I am around women now-a-days. I'm pretty sure I've earned the title of "creepy". You'd think that's bad, but what is really bad is the fact that I don't really care. So what happened? I used to be great around girls in middle school and high school. I'll tell you what happened. Living in a male dorm for three years solid happened. I've been so immersed in "man life" that I have completely forgotten how to relate with women. You know those girly girls that are so extreme that they really just freak guys out and most girls. I am the male equivilant to that. I've become so much of a guy that I just freak girls out. They don't understand me anymore. This is unacceptable. So what is my solution? I'm going to (as painful as it may seem) immerse myself in women. I'm going to meet new women and get to know them and retrain myself to be sensative towards our differences. I am going to be... a gentleman again. I've got the guts, but I don't know if I've got the finesse. I have a feeling that this is going to take some serious time, dedication, and motivation.
I'll let you know how it all goes. Hope everybody out there gets to enjoy the weather this week. I hear it's going to be pretty nice. If you read this and go to Belmont, don't forget to come and see our show next Saturday at the Curb at 7 o'clock. We picked the band name Matt's Automan today (sorta kindly poking at Mike's Chair). The truth of it is, Matt doesn't actually have an automan. Oh, and finally, can someone tell me how to get a good night's sleep? No matter what I do and how much sleep I get, I wake up in the morning and I feel like crap. My joints are stiff, my eyes hurt, and my bones are soar. This morning before church I experienced an early morning peace (at 10am) that I would really like to be a part of on a regular basis. I generally just don't participate because the process of waking up is so painful. I don't like doing it unless I have a class that forces me out. The funny thing is that it has always been like this. I tend to blame my heartrate. Most people have a resting heart rate of 55-60 but mine sits around 38-42. I'm not a doctor though, so I really don't know. I'll tell you what though. I wake up feeling fully charged if I take sleeping pills before I go to sleep, but I don't do that hardly ever because that's bad for you. Whatever. All this talk about sleep has got me in the mood. Peace and love.
I just don't believe that demonic experiences are very frequent here. Why? I like to view it from a military standpoint. You have to pick your targets decisively and concentrate where there is the most threat. Demonic presence isn't much of a problem in our culture because we are already too busy fighting our own vices. We glorify money, posessions, knowledge, and time. These are man-made idols we are able to glorify within the physical rhelm which leads us to feel secure. I believe that this is the reason why there are very few interferences. The movie "The Usual Suspects" puts it very well in saying that "The greatest trick the Devil ever played was to convince the world that he doesn't exist."
Earlier today I did get the opportunity to ride with Brady on his new motorcycle. It was a lot of fun, but it gave me a better perspective as to how dangerous they really are. I'm good at creating simulations in my mind of exactly how something could happen. Riding that fast with nothing between me and the road but balance and some thin cloths added up to "maybe this isn't a great idea." Still... it was fun. Death always adds fun to the factor (atleast in the mind of a young adult male).
Now I feel sorta sick. I mean I've been sick along with the majority of campus since last week, but for some reason it got worse today. I got a pretty bad stomach ache and a head ache. I just took my temperature... it's normal. Ah, but tomorrow I'm going to be so busy. Schedules fill up pretty fast these days. I've got alot on my mind right now, and I need to find a way to work that off. That being said, I think I'm going to try and get back into the gym. I generally feel good after I work out unless I work out too hard.
What's some of the stuff that's been on my mind? Well... I have realized just how awkward I am around women now-a-days. I'm pretty sure I've earned the title of "creepy". You'd think that's bad, but what is really bad is the fact that I don't really care. So what happened? I used to be great around girls in middle school and high school. I'll tell you what happened. Living in a male dorm for three years solid happened. I've been so immersed in "man life" that I have completely forgotten how to relate with women. You know those girly girls that are so extreme that they really just freak guys out and most girls. I am the male equivilant to that. I've become so much of a guy that I just freak girls out. They don't understand me anymore. This is unacceptable. So what is my solution? I'm going to (as painful as it may seem) immerse myself in women. I'm going to meet new women and get to know them and retrain myself to be sensative towards our differences. I am going to be... a gentleman again. I've got the guts, but I don't know if I've got the finesse. I have a feeling that this is going to take some serious time, dedication, and motivation.
I'll let you know how it all goes. Hope everybody out there gets to enjoy the weather this week. I hear it's going to be pretty nice. If you read this and go to Belmont, don't forget to come and see our show next Saturday at the Curb at 7 o'clock. We picked the band name Matt's Automan today (sorta kindly poking at Mike's Chair). The truth of it is, Matt doesn't actually have an automan. Oh, and finally, can someone tell me how to get a good night's sleep? No matter what I do and how much sleep I get, I wake up in the morning and I feel like crap. My joints are stiff, my eyes hurt, and my bones are soar. This morning before church I experienced an early morning peace (at 10am) that I would really like to be a part of on a regular basis. I generally just don't participate because the process of waking up is so painful. I don't like doing it unless I have a class that forces me out. The funny thing is that it has always been like this. I tend to blame my heartrate. Most people have a resting heart rate of 55-60 but mine sits around 38-42. I'm not a doctor though, so I really don't know. I'll tell you what though. I wake up feeling fully charged if I take sleeping pills before I go to sleep, but I don't do that hardly ever because that's bad for you. Whatever. All this talk about sleep has got me in the mood. Peace and love.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Me and My Friend Bed
My body hurts. My body hurts in a way that is hard to describe. It's a complication of sleeplessness, the inability to control my motor skills, and working on my car all day yesterday. I gotta say though, that the work on my car was a liberating experience even though it did almost kill me. I wish I could say that I'm done, but not quite. Everything is put back together (I think). Now I just have to put fluid back in, crank it up, and pray that there are no leaks. In the midst of my mechanical struggle yesterday I did find something to be thankful for. It is quite nice indeed to have such skinny arms. When you have to reach through the narrow spaces under the hood of a car, nothing helps quite like two toothpick arms like mine.
I just got done with my morning classes. I was thinking about working on my car more before my evening class, but then I decided that... no... sleep is what I need most. I've stopped participating in philosophy class as much. There is alot that I would like to say, but you come to a place where you realize that opening your mouth is not benefiting anyone so you might as well keep it closed. It is discouraging to let some of the things he says go unchallenged, but if someone really wants to know what I think, they will ask me. Audio class has been good though. If it weren't so early I would have to say that it has become my most engaging class. Op amps, compression, gating, expanding, keying, chaining, serial and parallel. All of these are concepts that I now better understand. He did remind us today, however, that though we are becoming scientists in our fields, not to forget the often times neglected creative aspects of it. It is easy to do, I admit. You start thinking so much of the sciences and mechanics of an action that you forget its beauty.
Well... I'm going to take that nap I've been longing for. After that I will throw in some laundry, work on my car, go to business management and then maybe go to the store (if I did indeed fix my car). Peace and love.
I just got done with my morning classes. I was thinking about working on my car more before my evening class, but then I decided that... no... sleep is what I need most. I've stopped participating in philosophy class as much. There is alot that I would like to say, but you come to a place where you realize that opening your mouth is not benefiting anyone so you might as well keep it closed. It is discouraging to let some of the things he says go unchallenged, but if someone really wants to know what I think, they will ask me. Audio class has been good though. If it weren't so early I would have to say that it has become my most engaging class. Op amps, compression, gating, expanding, keying, chaining, serial and parallel. All of these are concepts that I now better understand. He did remind us today, however, that though we are becoming scientists in our fields, not to forget the often times neglected creative aspects of it. It is easy to do, I admit. You start thinking so much of the sciences and mechanics of an action that you forget its beauty.
Well... I'm going to take that nap I've been longing for. After that I will throw in some laundry, work on my car, go to business management and then maybe go to the store (if I did indeed fix my car). Peace and love.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I Once Saw the Sun Shine in Nashville
Well, it seems that the good weather has left us for a while. It is cold and rainy again and my spirits have a really hard time staying high in the midst of cold rain. And speaking of cold, I have one. It is in my head and no matter what I say to it, it won't leave. I should probably feel flattered that it prefers my head over someone else's. Oh well. I ordered a new radiator for my car today. I have discovered that you can always find something better and cheaper on-line. The mechanic said I wouldn't be able to find anything within a $150 price range... He was wrong.
I probably say this alot in my journals, but I guess it just happens alot. I feel like things are coming into focus for me. That doesn't mean that everything is working out my way, it just means that I can see where I'm going. I feel pretty good about it. The strangest things put me back into perspective.
I could really use a good old-fasion camping trip, but that's not going to happen for a while. I need to think about finding a second job, prefferably something that can carry over to the summer. I could always consider lifeguarding again... One of my friends said he knew of a local pool that was looking to hire two head guards for the summer at decent wages. I don't know about that. I have too many horrible memories of lifeguarding. Maybe I want to try something new. Maybe valet parking would work well. Brian does it in Arizona and he seems to like it. You make decent money and you get to drive all sorts of neat cars. Plus, I can drive stick and I have a clean driving record so I bet I could get the job. Whatever, I'll think of something. UPS is always a posibility as well. I just want new experiences. I've decided that new experience is the root of all my best memories. That's probably the case for everybody, and maybe it's obvious for most, but for me, I just caught on. My eyes are getting heavier though. I suppose sickness makes me drag more than usual. I usually have to fight myself to sleep at this hour on most nights, but not tonight. I just want to sleep and dream and not have to wake up at 7:45, but unfortunately only two of those three will actually happen... maybe even one, who knows? Tomorrow I'll probably have something more valuable to write about, but until then, peace and love.
I probably say this alot in my journals, but I guess it just happens alot. I feel like things are coming into focus for me. That doesn't mean that everything is working out my way, it just means that I can see where I'm going. I feel pretty good about it. The strangest things put me back into perspective.
I could really use a good old-fasion camping trip, but that's not going to happen for a while. I need to think about finding a second job, prefferably something that can carry over to the summer. I could always consider lifeguarding again... One of my friends said he knew of a local pool that was looking to hire two head guards for the summer at decent wages. I don't know about that. I have too many horrible memories of lifeguarding. Maybe I want to try something new. Maybe valet parking would work well. Brian does it in Arizona and he seems to like it. You make decent money and you get to drive all sorts of neat cars. Plus, I can drive stick and I have a clean driving record so I bet I could get the job. Whatever, I'll think of something. UPS is always a posibility as well. I just want new experiences. I've decided that new experience is the root of all my best memories. That's probably the case for everybody, and maybe it's obvious for most, but for me, I just caught on. My eyes are getting heavier though. I suppose sickness makes me drag more than usual. I usually have to fight myself to sleep at this hour on most nights, but not tonight. I just want to sleep and dream and not have to wake up at 7:45, but unfortunately only two of those three will actually happen... maybe even one, who knows? Tomorrow I'll probably have something more valuable to write about, but until then, peace and love.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Here's What I Think
To answer my brother's question, when there is cymbal noise coming back in the feed from the pastor's lapel mic there is only one clear solution in my mind, though I could be wrong. I would immagine that you have several stage wedges (monitors) set up so that the performers can hear clearly on stage. I would first make sure that the pastor's vocals are not going through the monitor as too hot of a signal. He doesn't need much monitor feed because it is just his voice on stage and monitors are, again, generally set up so that the performer(s) can hear what he and/or everyone else on stage is doing clearly, though I suppose it is fun for speakers to hear their voices booming through amplification. Reguardless, make sure to turn down the levels on the monitor. Also, and what is probably the key problem, is how many monitors you are feeding the vocal through. There should be a monitor right next to the drum kit, if this is so, make sure that this monitor is not getting ANY feed through it from the vocal. The sound coming through that monitor will cause the cymbals and snare spring to resonate and it could get pretty messy depending on the volume and consistancy of the sound. Finally, if I remember correctly, and assuming that we are referring to CBC's set up, the drums are set off stage to the direct front. This COULD cause some sticky situations to arise from the mains (front of house speakers). If your drum wedge is not getting any feed from vocals, depending on the relationship of where the drums are set up to where the mains are aimed, you might still get the same resonating effect on the cymbals. If you still get problems when the drum monitor is muted, I would try repositioning the drums, possibly pushing them back a bit if that is possible. My guess would be, however, that you are getting most of your rattle from the high hat being that the two metal pieces are almost touching and with any slight air disturbance they might contact and cause a disturbance. Considering that, also make sure that the drum kit isn't sitting near an airconditioning vent, though if my memory serves me right, I don't think they are.
Long to short: turn speaker's voice feed through monitors down, turn drum monitor off, still a problem, reposition drums in relationship to mains. I will ask someone with a little bit more knowledge than I if that is close to a solution.
Long to short: turn speaker's voice feed through monitors down, turn drum monitor off, still a problem, reposition drums in relationship to mains. I will ask someone with a little bit more knowledge than I if that is close to a solution.
Friday, March 17, 2006
The Air Smelled Like Beauty
Wow, so I suppose alot has happened since I posted last. That's sorta strange being that I usually am sitting still in a stagnant pool of boredom. The week ever since spring break ended has been nuts though. So Monday night I went to a recording session at RCA B for eight hours. Let me tell you, I've never had so much fun in the studio before. We all got along and we ended up laying down two songs with enough time to slap down creative input. That was refreshing. Tuesday, however, was anything but refreshing. I woke up and went to my eight o'clock class with huge bags under my eyes. I was so tired when we got out at 9:15 that I skipped philosophy to sleep. When I woke up from that I had to run a community service program for the Christian Music Association and I didn't know where it was. As I was driving, and running late, my car's radiator decided that it wanted to get a crack in it and start rapidly draining fluid all over my engine. That started to smoke so I pulled over and got a new jug of anti-freez to top it off for a trip back to campus. Well, I don't know what I'm going to do now. I think I might just end up waiting for it to get warmer and I might get a bike or something. Ah, but anyways, I go to math class after that and I have a panic attack in class because I realize tha I have no idea what the teacher is talking about, so failing looked pretty inevitable. I've never failed before and I don't plan on it. I left there and went to business management and then to my recording engineer class. That was an interesting class because the producer from Six Pence and Newsboys came in and talked to us about his experiences, the only thing is that the class ran over fifteen minutes. I had a meeting at that exact same time, so I left and then ran over a mile to get back to campus. The fraternity meeting started and my day finally picked up. Everyone was in high spirits and ended up getting elected as president of the fraternity. It is a very exciting honor.
Yesterday went rather well. I got alot done I suppose. I've been playing alot of frisbee. Then late last night I had an epiphany. I was working a math problem, getting alot of nothing done. I realized that... I could drop the class and not fail. So today, that's what I did. I dropped the class and I feel great now. I've had so much energy, I even asked a girl out for coffee today that I didn't even know just because. I mean she didn't respond very well and I'm quite glad she didn't have any pepper spray, but hey, I love being awkward and unconventional me just as long as I'm not shot with a stun gun for it.
Now it is tonight and Belmont lost the first round of the NCAA tournament. I had a dream last night that they were going to. I'm not saying it was prophetic by any means. UCLA had huge odds. I'm just glad that they got to go I guess.
Oh, and I just got off the front porch. I was smoking my pipe and listening to my "beauty" playlist. I love just being able to sit back and admire beauty and talk to God. The air was so crisp and the sky was clear. Everything was as it should be. Hope it is the same for you. Peace and love.
Yesterday went rather well. I got alot done I suppose. I've been playing alot of frisbee. Then late last night I had an epiphany. I was working a math problem, getting alot of nothing done. I realized that... I could drop the class and not fail. So today, that's what I did. I dropped the class and I feel great now. I've had so much energy, I even asked a girl out for coffee today that I didn't even know just because. I mean she didn't respond very well and I'm quite glad she didn't have any pepper spray, but hey, I love being awkward and unconventional me just as long as I'm not shot with a stun gun for it.
Now it is tonight and Belmont lost the first round of the NCAA tournament. I had a dream last night that they were going to. I'm not saying it was prophetic by any means. UCLA had huge odds. I'm just glad that they got to go I guess.
Oh, and I just got off the front porch. I was smoking my pipe and listening to my "beauty" playlist. I love just being able to sit back and admire beauty and talk to God. The air was so crisp and the sky was clear. Everything was as it should be. Hope it is the same for you. Peace and love.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Are You Back Yet?
I got back from Arizona last night. I enjoyed spring break in its entirity, though I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for it to be over. I would have liked more time to recharge. Oh, and just in case you are ever tempted, the Shoney's seafood buffet is a bad choice...
Monday, March 06, 2006
Rockin it out in AZ
I'm in Arizona right now with Brian and Brandt. We've been cruzing around doing all sorts of stuff for the past two days. It's absolutely beautiful here. It's desert and cactus all around with the occasional bald mountain. Yesterday we hiked up Camel Back Mountain. Let me tell you, the Appalachain hiking trails have nothing on these mountains. That's not to say that these mountains are any taller, because they definitaly are more considerable as tall hills than mountains, but there are no restrictions on the type of trail you climb. We were climbing rock face with cliff on the other side. If you slip up, you die. That was alot of fun, especially wearing shoes with no tred. I was slippin and slidding all around, but I was never in any real danger (hehe). The weather is beautiful. It has been an unhumid consistant 70 degrees since I got here. Brian drives a Cadillac and we go with the windows down. It sorta makes me want a Cadillac to be honest. I forgot how roomy and smooth they are. I'm learning alot about the cactus here. There's that really tall thick cactus that you see alot in cartoons called the sajuara. They're protected because they only grow here in the Sonora desert. They actually weigh about a ton a piece because they're full of water and they have a wooden rib structure for reinforcement. Then there are the prickely pair cactus which are the bush like cactus that have the flat ovular chip leaves. Then there are the cholla cactus and the jumping cholla. The jumping cholla looks like it will literally jump off of its branch just to stab you with needles. They look like a twiggy bush covered with a fur of needles.
Last night we watched "The Grizzly Man". I don't really want to say too much about it other than it's hillarious if you don't assume that the man has serious psychological issues. Sometimes people are just really stupid, other times people are just really sick in the head. Oh, and the food here is glorious. After some authentic Mexican food today, I passed out for two and a half hours. I feel pretty good and pretty stress free. Talk to you later. Peace and Love.
Last night we watched "The Grizzly Man". I don't really want to say too much about it other than it's hillarious if you don't assume that the man has serious psychological issues. Sometimes people are just really stupid, other times people are just really sick in the head. Oh, and the food here is glorious. After some authentic Mexican food today, I passed out for two and a half hours. I feel pretty good and pretty stress free. Talk to you later. Peace and Love.
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