From Here to Thanksgiving and Back Again

I'm back from a good length trip to North Carolina. I left Tuesday early morning and rode all day until I got to Montreat. I stopped there to stay a while with Andy and actually ended up eating a meal off of his meal plan and then taking a nap in his bed while he was away at a meeting. It was snowing beautifully while I was there. I had mixed feelings about that though. Andy was the one who pointed out the fact that the last time I was there in his dorm room was when Phillip passed away. It was also snowing on that day as well.

It was rather nice to leave campus behind though. I tend to just forget about everything when I leave Nashville, and probably all for the better. I need time to rebuild I suppose. It was also a good time to see everyone. I think more people come home for Thanksgiving than they do any other holiday and summer combined. It's not for very long, but it works just as well. But I found it to be a bit awkward. I realized that I didn't know most of the people that I used to be friends with. There is this gaping whole about the size of two years that seperates us now. All except for the ones I have stayed in close contacts with, the rest seem like strangers again. I don't know where to start, and all I really have are memories. But memories are rich and still give me a good feeling. I have learned the lesson well that life will never be the same as it used to be. It will always get more difficult, and in suit, I will become more experienced. Memories, however, are the only advantage I have over time. Time can never erase the perfection of a memory.

Going home serves an important reminder though. It is important for you to remember where you came from, especially while in the transitional stages of college living. Knowing that will better prepare you for where you are going. I felt that in a new way when I went to my sister's house for the day on Saturday. I feel behind in my growing. I don't feel like I'm NEAR that point of life yet, and maybe I'm not, but stuff like that does always seem to jerk me back into reality. It places an importance on my decisions. It brings me to focus on one solid point instead of on fleeting moments. All in all, it makes me take life more seriously.

It was a good visit with family and friends. It may just have been what I needed to refix my eyes on what I'm here for. Quite honestly I was at a point where I felt so burned out that I didn't want to do anything else for the rest of the semester. I felt conquered by everything, but now I feel strong again. I'm going to try and keep this flame kindled until the end of the semester. That's not too far off now, so one would think that to be easy, but I have, in fact, a great deal to accomplish before that time comes, namingly exams. I should do well though, considering that I have a second wind blowing in my sails. But it was a long drive home. It went by fast, but it is only until I walk through my door that I realize just how long I have been gone, which doesn't seem that long at all. So now is a time of reorganizing and redisciplining myself after a break that consisted of sleeping, eating, and playing sports. That might be harder said than done, but I don't really have a choice, do I? Here's to you. Hope you had a swell break, and keep on keepin on. Peace and love.

The Break at Hand

I'm done everything until tonight at 6:30, so I think I might try and catch up on some much needed sleep. I'm planning on leaving early tomorrow morning, so I'll probably get my packing out of the way at some point today, but sleep, for now, is the plan.

I've decided to practice a little harder at guitar. I don't seem to be in as good a playing condition than I used to be. Though my voice has improved over the years, I don't want to loose guitar because I've had that so much longer than a singing voice. That reminds me of one of the goodnesses of going home. I'm going to a place that isn't immersed in music. People respect music there like a form of money. They let it touch them. That's why I like playing back at home, because it means something to people. Here nobody seems to care about my music the way I wish they would. I want them to feel it the way I do, but it's all about analyzing the sound. "This needs to sound like that". Well, maybe this is good for me, I don't know. Maybe I need to sit down and listen to the technical side of it all.

But right now I don't feel like I make much sense. I'm happy, and I've got a positive outlook on things, but my heart is still restless in all of this. I should probably expect to learn something very important soon, as this is the feeling I generally get right before something profound happens. But for now, I sleep. Hope you are doing well. Have a happy Thanksgiving.

Peace and love.

Ahhh Yes

I got that Santa suit today. One step closer to my diabolical program plan... They will never know until it is too late (heheheee). But eveidently the ladies dig St. Nick. Whenever I buy a new costume, I always wear it back in the car and see what kind of effect it has on people. Well, I got more flirtatious activity under the disguise of a really really old jovial guy than I do as myself... Hmmm...

Ha, but anyways, I'm fighting my way to the top. I'm almost done my responsibilities for this week which makes me exceedingly happy. I am, in fact, so happy that I have felt motivated to dance and sing along with Frank Sinatra. Yeah, it's one of those moods (pure insanity).

But I WANT TO SHAVE!!! Really bad. I'm getting so patchy and rediculous looking, and above that, it's uncomfortable. But I have made a vow to carry this... this abomination around on my face until the end of the month... or atleast until Thanksgiving...

I'm not going to write much tonight though. I want to just sit and vegg out. Whoa! Matt left his cake... and my fridge still STINKS! I've GOT to do something about that. Reguardless... the cake is mine! And SPEAKING of food... I forgot to tell you about my little cooking episode last night. So I think I convinced this girl, Annie, that I'm the worst cook in the world. Not only was I not able to open the jar, but I added too much water to the boiling pot, I over cooked the sauce and made WAY too much, I got NO dressing on the salad when I mixed it up... and to cap it all off... I was telling her a story until she casually interrupted to inform me that my pot... was on fire. Yes, I melted the lid to my boiling pot because I set it on the stove. We laughed about that for a while... and I still have a giggle or two left because I haven't done something like that since I was like 12. I don't know what came over me last night that made me so clumsy. I mean around here I received the comment from one of my residents that "if Belmont had a Ninja major, you would be all over it." But alas, last night... well I'm just lucky I didn't burn the whole place down.

Having said that... I am going to lay on my futon... eat this cake... and watch a movie till I fall asleep. Peace and love.

Storms and Clear Sky

I'm not seeing much clear sky right now. Every once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of the moon or maybe a star here and there, but it is pretty overcast right now. Turns out that these past few days have been building into a storm. It came through tonight offering heavy rain, high winds, and a few tornados that made for some inconvenience. I don't care about inconvenience right now though. There's only so much you can really let bother you or else you'll get overwhelmed. But the storm did provide time for me to think about what my life is becoming and what I must do to prepare for the vast changes ahead. I need to work on some of my weaknesses, one of which being my tendancy to take on a world of problems and ask for no help. I can't keep doing that. I've got to know where my limits are and I've got to let others help me. I've got to pick my battles a little more wisely than I have been doing.

But through all of this being burnt out and numb to adversity, I still feel alive. There are... other things... keeping me motivated and on my toes. One of which, but not completely is, the motivation of going home for Thanksgiving and doing NOTHING. I just want to eat, sleep, and visit family and friends. I don't want to worry about assignments or obligations. I just want to relax completely. So I look to that and I look to other motivations and I find myself a bit more at ease. Man must have hope to press on.

Did you ever immagine that you would become who you are now? Did you ever think as a child that such a turn of events would spit out as something so beautiful, or simple, or maybe even hideous? I don't remember what I expected of myself as a child. I don't think I ever looked that far ahead, but then, that was part of the unappreciated joys of childhood. I saw it today in the storm though. Those were the same kinds of dark clouds that used to roll in on my house in the late summer. I would walk to the kitchen door and stare out of the rickety old screen door at the enormous trees blowing frantically in the winds. It was an awe inspired fear that still rests in me today though I do enjoy it more now than then. It's as if God were trying to say "This... this is only a glimpse at our comparison."

I can enjoy that idea.

Now I must sleep. Sleep is the last line of defense before I go crazy. Oh, but before I do, this is a picture taken by Aaron of me getting ready to speed through the tornado on a mile long run to the appartments with a 30lb pack on full of pots, pans, cloths, and food for the last of the video shoots. Peace and love.

Set it Up... Tear it Down

I don't know what to say. I'm really pumped up right now, but I shouldn't be. I should be entering into that phaze of "almost asleep", but no. We'll see how I feel by the end of this journal.

Reading through my posts has delivered to me a new idea that I might adopt. I think I reveal too much about myself in this very public journal, so I might ponder my thoughts a bit more before I put them in print. Having said that... I don't know where to really begin.

I'm so anxious right now I could explode. I want to just take off and do something seperate from my routine. I want to camp, go spalunking, SOMETHING wild. I feel to confined by this world that has risen up around me. My dreams have been robbed and replaced with mediocrity, no longer in the motivation of making a difference (which is now considered as nieve among the professional society), but in the motivation of making ends meet. I feel like I'm being swallowed up in something irreversible. After all, I've got far too much passion to spend sitting behind a desk or performing any other form of "coming to grips with reality". I'm not as creative as I used to be. I've been dumbed up. I noted this as I was listening to music I wrote years back that I've keept locked in the vaults. I just don't write music like that anymore, and I sit and wonder why? It's because I don't have the time. I'm spred so thin over so many responsibilities that are supposed to "build my future" that I've sacrificed my soul.

AAAAARRRRRGGGG!

If I keep that up, I'm going to suck at both being a father and a husband and a whatever else life delivers my way. I've got to know when to put my foot down. I can't let this world confuse me as to what are REALLY the most important things in life. I shake my fist at you college... I shake my fist at YOU! I beat up a 6'2" 190lbs man last week and I can beat you up too if you make me!

But let me calm back down for a moment. The new week is about to begin and it will end up beign whatever I make it. I know that sounds cliche, but it has some truth to it. If I wake up tomorrow and drone on about how "I have to do this", and "I have to do that." then I will inevitably hate my life. However, if I wake up with some motivation resting behind me, I might just be more proned to showing that stupid grin I have more often, WHICH, by the way, looks even more goofy these days as No Shave November continues. I might have a full 70's cop moustache by the end of the month! Oh, and hey, I just cooked some eggs at midnight tonight in Hail's kitchen with Aaron. I was hungry and that's really all I have in my fridge right now.

I've been recording alot lately though, and this whole band idea is really taking off. We might end up with a healthy four members if Stuffy decides to join. He has expressed interest, but it's up to him whether or not he likes our sound. Oh, and the studio has been kind as of late, even though I feel kinda geek like for spending so much time there. Speaking of which, we were in the middle of a session on Saturday and the power went out! I was a bit worried that we had lost everything, but when the power came back on, we found out that Radar had backed everything up automatically.

Ya know, come to think of it, lots of stressful stuff has happened to me this weekend that I've taken in stride. A pair of my $60 headphones got completely blown out in a later session on Saturday, and my assistant thought it was his fault and he looked at me like I was about to whip him within an inch of his life... but I didn't. I sat back and was satisfied that atleast they served me well in their two years of cooperation. At that moment they had died, and no matter of getting angry about it was going to change the situation.

And what's tomorrow? Let's see... I'm going to have to do something with my room. It's a mess, and in relationship to that, so is my mind. I've got to fill out my application for Community Conduct Board. I need to contact my guy about the convo I'm running in two weeks. OH, AND I get my next HIV vaccination shot tomorrow. I'm starting to think I'm on the fake one because I'm not feeling any differently, and usually vacceens make me feel a little odd at first. But that's the most of tomorrow.

So enough said. I think I'm going to take some time and get quite by my reading lamp. I need to really focus on some decisions I'm making right now and whether or not they're right. In short, just because you want something, doesn't make it the right thing. Better put by Spiderman:

"Sometimes we have to lay down our dreams and the things we want the most in order to do what is right."

Life will never get easier. We will just get more experienced.

Peace and love.

This IS Decaf... Right?

WRONG! I did not just drink decaf but cafinated coffee. That means that I'm about to get very paranoid and fidgity. I already chewed through my cup and it's two in the morning. To put it short: Bad idea. But really it was all along a good groove. I had a very evenful, yet bizzare day, but that's the way I like it. It started with a few dozen hits of the snooze button followed by a nice relaxing shower. Internship went well, but that was about the last of normal that I was going to see for the rest of the day. I left internship and went to accounting class... only I went thirty minutes earlier that I should have and ended up walking in on the wrong class. The class size was about 40, and they all, including the professor, looked at me. You'd better believe I was a bit lacking for words in that eternal silence until someone spoke up the obvious. "You're in the wrong class." The rest of the class chuckled as I looked at my watch with bewilderment. I had to make a decision right then and there as they burned me with their eyes. I could either turn and walk away and look like a moron, or I could confirm my moronhood to the class BEFORE I turned and walked away. I chose the latter. I confidently stated that "The professor paid me to come in at about this time and tell all of you what a wonderful job you were doing, to keep up the good work, and that this was indeed his favorite class." I then looked at the professor and loudly whispered "I'll be expecting a check in the mail." and THEN I walked off... It was only after I left that the reality set in. I AM a moron.

So I went back to my room and had lunch and played my guitar. An hour later I went to my class and the professor was well into his lecture. I was thirty minutes late apparently, but atleast I was in the right class. I don't know what happened. Has my mind been that consumed? I was worried there for a second that maybe I had underwent one of those silent strokes and part of my memory was erased. I sat for the rest of the class and regained composure and self awareness before my next class. By this time I had talked to a few of my friends as to what was on my mind and they had some pretty good advice. They're all for me taking positive forward action, so maybe I will. All I needed was some fresh music and a decent drive to confirm it. Driving with loud music makes me feel at peace for some reason. Not too sure why. But when I got to Cool Springs for my class, I pulled off the exit ramp and at the top there was a car just broken down on the side of the road with a Belmont sticker on the back. I decided to stop and help em out and as it turned out, she was headed to my class. She suspected that she ran out of gas, but was hopeless in that she didn't have a spare tank to fill up at a station, so she was afraid she was going to have it towed.

Here is where the miracle happened

It just so turns out that I have a very odd water bottle. It holds about a gallon of liquid, It is cubicle and red, and it has a long black spout at the end. It is, infact, a gas tank. And where, shouldst I wonder, is this gas tank at the present? Well in the back seat of my car of course! So I got it out, we drove to the gas station, filled it up, put it in her car, and she drove off. I gave it to her as a keep-sake. But wow! I was looking at it this morning and I thought to myself... "Should I take it out? ... Nah, I'm too lazy." God works in mysterious ways.

So after my next class I went to hang out with my fraternity brothers for a while. It turns out that tomorrow is the second year aniversary for when the Magnificent Seven (my pledge class) was initiated. I feel really old right now. We looked at freshman pictures and I really do look alot older. Only a year left I guess. Makes me kinda sad, but kinda happy at the same time. But alas, this is where I drank the strond cafinated coffee, which is why I am still awake.

Oh, and in health class today I found out three new things about myself

a.) I am a very highly stressed individual (nah, ya think?!?)
b.) According to my habbits, I am set to live atleast to age 84.
c.) If I want to gain weight, I have to eat over 2070 calories a day... ... ... If you know me at all you know that last one is bull. I eat probably around 4000 calories of food a day... and I don't gain CRAP! and THAT... makes me frown.

But alas, I do feel quite joyous as of now. I'm listening to classical and typing as fast as I can in hopes to calm down just a bit before I try and sleep. If there's anything I hate, it's lying in bed tossing and turning and not falling asleep right away. That is BORING!

To you all I pray for the best. Wrap up in this cold weather we're having (it's about time) And keep your thoughts on higher things. I'll leave you with this poem.

But Grace is desert's shallow pool
That quench the wise man and the fool
Though wisdom only stops to think
The foolish man will stop to drink

Peace and love

You Can Dance

Tired... not because of an average day, but because I danced like there was no tomorrow tonight. We had our pajama jam program tonight and it was a huge success. At first I was really uncomfortable, but then I just gave in. I think what it was was all of the sour grapes that were there saying how bad out playlist was and that they wanted good music like rap instead of our fun music. But then they all got tired and left and the rest of us had a great time. We line danced, jumped around, and just went crazy! I haven't broken out of my shell like that in a while. Feels good, I must say.

My heart feels mixed up right now though. I'm not sure why... or maybe I do know and I'm just not being honest with myself. That's it. I sometimes think maybe I get too excited about stuff like this and that maybe I should just crawl back into my indifference. It's safe and familiar there, and I have focus. But then while I'm there I think, "What if I miss something important? What if something or someone passes me by?". Then I get this urge to take risks. I'm in that place right now. I want to take risks and see what happens. I have stumbled upon something utterly amazing and I just can't rest at turning my back. It's funny because initially I literally did. I looked down at my scars and I convinced myself that I had suffered enough. But it became an internal battle. I couldn't sleep that night. I was confronted with that part of me that only surfaces in these instances. It opens my eyes to the worth of the journey if it should follow through. It's something I would die for, so I can't say no. But maybe I should keep things like this to myself. Or maybe it helps to talk to an almost unknown audience. Whatever, I'm done being rediculously mushy.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I don't have anything clogging up my schedule so I think I'll finally get to kick back. Tomorrowz going to be rough though, I assure you. I've got loads of accounting due and very little time to do it in. Plus I have a test in health... Wait... I say that as if that would be challenging. Sorry... I just want to go hiking or camping or something. I think that would be good for me. Okay, so the first weekend I get away from the studio, I'm going to go camping. That will help me get my heart straight. That and a little more quite time and prayer. To you all I wish the best. Peace and love.

Bombed :(

I magically bombed a test today. My brain wouldn't work. I couldn't study because nothing, no matter how forcibly I pushed, would enter my head after yesterday. Why does this happen to me? I don't know, but I've written it off. I can still do well in that class, but I can't have a mess-up like that again. On a higher note, shortly after the bombed test, I found a dollar in my pocket while I was doing laundry, so that slightly rounded off my day. There is no experience like finding money in your pocket.

I'm heating up some left over speggetti (that's not how it's spelled, but...). I'm absolutely starving. I also just pounded some niquil. Nothing says goodnight like a dose of niquil. That should help me feel a little better in the morning. Maybe I can get my sleeping habbits back on track too. Wait, what sleeping habbits. I didn't think I had any.

I think I want to go to an opera sometime soon. There are plenty of them around, I just don't go because of stupid excuses. I really think I would like it though. But anyways, I'm going to make this journal short and sweet and wish you all the best. This niquil will probably kick in soon and I need to be ready. Peace and love.

I'm on Air

Today was a breath of fresh air. I can't really say that EVERYTHING went as planned, but I felt blessed. I took a step back from all activity and looked at where I was and I've noticed that I'm handling my responsibilities with greater ease and boldness these days. I also looked at myself in comparison as of last year and I'm glad I'm not there anymore. I can't believe some of the things I did and said back then. I shouldn't say "back then" though. It makes it sound like a long time ago.

Right now I want to explode and implode at the same time. I'm both really excited, but still really tired. I'm getting ready right now to study with Aaron for our accounting exam tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to that one bit. I do get paid on Friday though. That makes me happy. But why am I excited? I know, but I can't really say... sorry to tease.

We did have a really good recording session tonight though. I layed down four vocal tracks to the song and a bunch of random crazy all throughout just to keep myself entertained amidst pressure. Recording does take alot out of you. There's so much to fine tune that if you don't have fun with it you will loose your mind.

But I could say that everything is wonderful with me, but my friends, that's another story. I don't post private information about other people, but some of my friends are hitting rough waters right now. It makes me mad because it's all misunderstanding and alike. I also hate it because I can't fix it. I want to feel useful to my friends, and when they suffer I feel that I might have an opportunity to help, but I don't think I do in these instances. Grrrr.

Well, I have to study now so I can get to bed at a decent hour. Peace and love.

A Long Hour or Two

This weekend was inSANE! I'm not quite sure how to classify it yet because I'm barely conscious, but I think it was good. See, generally the weekend is something I look forward to in order to sleep in, but that didn't happen at all this weekend. I was up at the crack of dawn both Saturday and Sunday. Saturday I had to be in the lobby by 7:30 for a movie that I got to play in. I was Sam, a shy, hopeless romantic who likes trucker hats. I was a distant admirer of Alex, a popular, confident girl who I just couldn't get up the courage to ask out because I was afraid she didn't like trucker hats. We recorded all day until about 5:45. I gotta say. It was pretty fun and pretty different from the stuff I'm used to doing. After that I went to a session to record. That lasted about four hours and went really well. The overdubs are on Monday, so we should have a relatively good mix by tomorrow. After that, I went to the Pembroke House and Matt cooked for both Aaron and I. Matt, you rock.

This morning I was up again at the same time to do a mandatory convocation out at Opry Mills. Aaron and I were supposed to help set up for the Christian Country Music Awards. We got there and there really wasn't much work to do, so we pretty much sat around for a few hours until someone finally needed out help to set up a kiosk. OH, but getting there was interesting. We took a wrong turn (my fault) and ended up going the wrong way down a one way street with tons of cars coming. The funny thing is, not one person used their horn in a fit of rage. We also whitnessed a cult meeting at the same hotel that the awards were to be done. They were chanting and doin crazy stuff with shrines and then I think they were going to do some miracles or something because the people who were running it congregated outside of the room where we were setting up the kiosk and they were saying "Now remember, nobody knows about this. It has to be believable." n stuff like that. It was a little weird, I gotta admit. Then I was walking past the door and I heard "ARISE!!!" and then a gong sound. I wanted to put on a papertowel loin cloth and go running in yelling gibberish, but I remembered that I wasn't on campus anymore and that the general public might frown upon such activity.

But things were relatively peaceful in my world until about lunch time when I got the call. Someone vandalized our bathroom last night... in two seperate occasions. I'm exhausted right now because I just finished a mandatory floor meeting that lasted 3 hours. The reason being is that we interregated each guy on the floor in attempts to catch the guy who did it. I can't say much for sure, but I'm pretty sure we got the perpetrator. But other than that, I did a few more shots on the movie today. I'm really excited to see how it turns out. I also wanna try and stay in touch with some of the new folks I met while making it. We had some good times.

But now I must venture off to bed... I'm so tired I can't keep my mouth closed because my jaw is to lax. I really just need to go to the beach for a week or so, but I don't think that's going to happen EVER, so I'll make due with a shower tomorrow or something. Hope all is well with you in your land. Peace and love.

It Comes and Goes

I don't know why I'm writing right now. It just happens every once in a while I guess, this feeling I get. I've been doing relatively well the past few weeks, and I haven't much reason to complain. It's just that I remember stuff at awkward times. This year I have done well at putting my desires for a relationship behind me. Most of the time I'm satisfied with being single and free, and the memories of the pains of a relationship are at the forefront of my mind. That being said, girls come and go and draw little attention from me. Maybe I should rephraze that by saying "most" girls. But then comes those times where I remember what love feels like and how much I'm missing out. That's where I'm at right now. But going back to most girls... It doesn't matter how attractive a girl seems to me. Attraction helps, but it's not all that counts. I see amazing looking women walking around campus all the time, but they don't have "it". "It" is what I've come to know as this essense a woman caries around her that is specifically attractive to me. It's not something I can see or feel, but I know when "it" is there. The girls I've dated in the past had "it" but then ended up not having other compatabilites. The problem I run into now though is that there might be one out of hundreds of girls who posses "it". Now I've met a few here at Belmont, but most of them are taken. Guys say to me "why not still try, you don't know her boyfriend." No, I don't know her boyfriend, but I've been hurt as the result of a the type of guy I COULD be before, so I refuse to put any human being through that. And then there are the girls who aren't taken. Well, I've taken a step back to analyze how relationships start. They generally start in friend environments, and that is where the problem lies. I'm a pretty open guy when it comes to hanging out with people, but most of my closer friends aren't. They are very selective and have no tolerance for people who aren't extraordinarily similar to them. That being said, the only girls we DO ever hang out with are nice girls n all, but I probably wouldn't date any of them. Now I would never negate the fact that my friends love me, and likewise, but the type of girls that I do like and that posess the "it" quality aren't really liked too much by my friends, and visa-versa. To put it shortly, I'm never in an environment where I could meet those kinds of girls. I want purity, I want compassion, I want insight, and I want a beautiful girl that loves the Lord, also, someone who can get offended. See, I'm not an easily offendable person which is why I think it's so easy for me to make friends, but I need balance. I think it would be good for me to be with someone who did get offended by certain things because sometimes I honestly think I should be offended by stuff that often times passes undetected. Here's what will have to happen if I'm to find a girl like that at Belmont. Either most of my friends will have a change in prefference of girls, something miraculous will happen and it won't matter what the environment is like, or I just won't find a girl while I'm in college. See, I used to meet most of the girls I liked at church, but a popular view among some of my friends is that church, and all girls that go to it, are the shallow snobby biggots. That's not true and I know this because I've been to several churches and I've seen all kinds. But it's so hard to get involved in church here with such a busy schedule already, otherwise I probably wouldn't have a problem. Man, all of this stuff is making my head hurt. I'm just going to have to be satisfied with a plate full of "it's not time yet" and go to bed. Peace and love.

The Cold Sets In

Mondays are generally viewed as bleak days in our society, and though I do believe that a day is whatever you put into it, sometimes I'm tempted to share society's bitterness towards the first workday of the week. This morning I awoke grogilly as usual, threw on some cloths that I had set aside last night, and scurried off to class. As soon as my pale morning skin hit the air, I knew in my very inner being, that it was indeed Monday. It was the coldest day to mark this semester. The clouds overcast the sky, and all this coupled with being earlier than I would like. Class was slow and my eyes felt like they do when you just wake up, all stiff and soar in their exposure to air. But instead of wearing off in a few minutes like that feeling usually does, it decided to stay for another two hours. After class ended, I walked past the bell tower to get my usual hot biscuit and orange juice from the food court. This was the perfect time for the bells to play a dark song if they were ever going to... and they did. It was a familiar tune, though I don't remember the name, that was suppose to be happy but I swear those bells only play in a minor scale. But I found that ironically funny and actually had a good laugh about it as I headed in to get breakfast. Inside, however, I found that they were completely sold out of biscuits and that all they had left were sandwhiches, cups of assorted vegetables, and ice cream. This disheartened me and I turned to head back to my room. Once here I made my way quickly back to bed and enjoyed my three hour nap immensly. Feeling productive once I woke up, I took a shower and changed the crappy curtain on my favorite stall with a better one from a stall that no one ever uses. I also did a class audit to find out how many credit hours I need to graduate. Well this is where Monday fought back. Turns out that my curriculum has changed and I owe Belmont another 9 credit hours before I can get out of here, mostly of gen-ed. This makes me sad because instead of taking the classes that will help me the most, I have to take "well rounded" nonsense like ANOTHER Spanish class, art appreciation, ANOTHER history, and TWO more physics courses than I had initially planned. I'm not defeated, but it's one more thing that I have to get worked out.

Work was fine. I went and spent most of the time discussing with Chubbs just how much starting a studio would cost. It ain't cheap, but I'll just have to work my way up from the bottom. Related to that, I got to ask two engineers today, a guy that worked with Jimmy Hendrix, and the engineer for Dark Side of the Moon, about where they started. They told me that they started at rock bottom and they just had to work their way up to the top. That was encouraging because I'm pretty much at rock bottom, but I'm hopeful and I have drive. Matt and I actually discussed the possibilities of starting our own business and just how we might achieve that. I'm starting to get a little excited to be quite honest, but though the reward is sweet, it's still a long and arduous road.

Right now I scroll down my buddy list to see all of my friends' away messages talking about sleep. Some seem to have changed so much since I knew them last, some dream of their love, some have broken hearts, and some have nothing insightful to say at all... like me. I really do love thermal underwear. Peace and love.

Think Ahead

I haven't written in a while, and I suspect that's because I haven't had much to say lately. It's been another one of those weeks that you just float through I suppose, but this weekend has yielded me some time to think, and for that I am greatful. I'm a little curious right now as to what I'm going to do when I get out of here... Belmont that is. I know I have aspirations to start my own business, but where do I begin? It's an intimidating subject, especially considering the fact that it's music business, and starting anything in music business is difficult. I think I need to talk to people that have actually opened up their own studios or record labels. I need to see what their advice is. But reguardless, I want to do it just to say that I tried. It's in my blood, the entreprenurial spirit. If I fail, I can do something else, but I want to give it my all. First off, I gotta think location. Sure Nashville is a great place, but do I want to live here for the rest of my life? But then again, I talked to a guy who owns his own record label and he said that at first he tried opening up in South Carolina, but he just couldn't sell there because there wasn't NEAR enough talent. But here, not only do you have a huge pot of talent to pick from, but also the credeblility of having a label in Nashville. I also have to wrestle with the issue of leaving all of my friends behind if I were to leave, starting a new life somewhere else all alone... again. I suppose I could do it if I had to, but it's not on the front burner of my desires. So that's just the decision of location. Then there's always the big bite which is cost. The music business costs TONS of money. The mixer in the basement alone costs around $500,000. That's just the mixer. That's not considering the building, the mics (which can cost up to $5,000 or sometimes even more a piece), and all other miscilaneous equipment. I don't want to be paying off loans for the rest of my life, because if I were to fail, I would be left to deal with the bill on TOP of my private life expenses.

So that has been on my mind. Not to say that my aspirations are hindered at all, but they are intimidated. It's sort of like when you walk into a broken down room that's a HUGE mess with the task of not only making it spotless, but making it beautiful as well. You pan from the left to right to make an assessment and then you just get overwhelmed as to where you should start.

I'm also wrestless because I still want to do something exciting and wreckless, but my situation does not permit it.

I need to take up reading. I've hated reading my entire life, but I feel like if I could learn to be patient enough, I would benefit not only in knowledge, but in a calm character as well.

I take joy in a realization I made this week though. I have realized that I'm not that tourmented soul that drug himself across campus every day last year. Considering the situation, I'm really alot less burdoned this year than both my freshman year AND sophomore year. I still face my problems which, relatively speaking, still seem pretty difficult, but in the long run... not really. I just need to stay out of trouble.

But speaking of which, an interesting sub-point in the sermon this morning caught my attention. He said that guys get so emotionally overwhelmed that they just turn off their emotions completely. That's something I do alot I've found. I don't get emotional about stuff because with just about everything I can just hit the off button. Mitch pointed that out to me the other day. He said it must be nice to not get stirred up about anything, to which I replied "No... it's really not." He said that he can tell when he's talking to me and when he's just talking to a Nathan shell. I've never really liked that about myself, but again... where to begin?

Related to that, I was thinking about what makes things beautiful and I came up with an opinionative answer. In order to see beauty, you have to have experienced ugly, otherwise beauty is simply what you have been told. It sort of came to my attention when I heard a guy singing John Lennon's "Imagine". I said that it was a song of hopelessness and Mitch corrected me saying that it was just the opposite. Thinking about it though, I concluded that we were both wrong. It's a song of meaninglessness. The only reason peace seems so pretty is because we live in ugly. If everything were peaceful and perfect, where would meaning be found. There would be no beautiful if everything were beautiful, there would just be ordinary. This is just a reaffirmation to me that everything indeed does work for the Glory of God. All of man's actions gives us just a glimpse of either who God is or who God isn't. Beauty and Ugly. Peace and love.

Break is Over

I find that on long drives I have very strange ways at keeping myself entertained. I thank God for making me unique... and I'm just going to leave it at that. The trip home was a long one, but adventurous as I did something I had never done before. Spend the night behind a gas station? Check that off the list! Matt and I were going to convoy with eachother until we hit Ashville, which is pretty close to being half way for both of us. But more than that, we were going to drop in on Andy and suprise him, HOWEVER it was getting fairly late once we got to Knoxville, so I figured I'd give him a little heads up. The converstation sounded a bit like this

-Me "Hey Andy, how's it going?"
-Andy "WOW, how'd you get this number?!?" (the phone I called was the cell phone of the guy sitting next to him... how I got it is my little secret)
-Me "It's a long story, but hey, what are you doing tonight?"
-Andy "I'm on fall break actually."
-Me "... ... Really?" (slightly discouraged)
-Andy "Yeah."
-Me "So are you home?"
-Andy "Nope."
-Me "Where are you?" (slightly hopeful)
-Andy "I'm on my way to Mississippi to help with hurricane relief!"
-Me "Uh... ... ... That's great! ... ... uh..."

I then went into lengths trying to tell him what I had planned and then giving him a backup plan as to what we were planning on doing anyways if he wasn't there. So then I called Matt who was driging behind me.

-Matt "HYELLO"
-Me "Hey Matt... Guess what."
-Matt "What?"
-Me "...Nevermind... So how do you feel about sleeping behind a gas station tonight?"
-Matt "Okay... sounds fun." (he got it before I said it. Luckily I was traveling with Matt... I fear anyone else would have demanded a hotel room)

So we pulled off in a little speck town and purchased some trail mix and water, filled up our tanks, and pulled into the back of the station and set camp... in my car. It was slightly cramped, but not TOO bad. I folded down the seat and we both put our legs down to the trunk and made pillows out of our spare cloths. I cracked the windows a bit for circulation, and we did our best to sleep with a huge Days Inn sign above our heads from next door just taunting us. Even it's florescents hummed as if to say "Don't you wish you had a real job? Then you could afford to stay here instead of in that small car." I did manage to convince myself that the humming was just exotic crickets... but my body COULDN'T accept that hard car seat. It was as if my body suddenly became super sensative. I could NOT get comfortable no matter how hard I tried. Eventually I wound up completely in the trunk all curled, finally falling asleep... But then... it began to rain. So I leaped up, turned on the car, and closed the windows... However, I could not find my comfortable position again. So I tossed and turned, paying attention to every passing car because who KNOWS what kind of a town we're in. I eventually just got in the front seat and fell asleep sprawled across the emergency break and shifter. We woke up and headed out the next morning at about 5:30.

I'll try and talk about the rest tomorrow. Now it is time for bed. Peace and love.

Relax?

I'm in my slightly more than cluttered room right now late at night. The room is only slightly lit by a sink florescent a few feet diagonal left from me. I hate florescent lights. The air gets humid in here from time to time, and I've yet to figure out why, but it makes the room seem more like a cellar rather than my home. But the clutter, as I've mentioned before, is a direct result of mental clutter. I've been so busy doing so many things, that I haven't had time to sit down and regroup, but it's not so bad. I'm probably going to take care of it all tomorrow.

But today was as eventful as days get around here. I ended up applying for Live Sound, Studio Recording Techniques, and Studio Maintenance classes today with Matt. We also officially switched majors to Audio Engineering Technologies from Music Business, though our classes have been shaped around the AET major for a while now. I also went to get phaze two of my physical complete at Vanderbilt today. It was all fine until... let's just say "cough cough"... and leave it at that.

After that "fun" little routine I went over to the appartments and studied Intellectual Properties with Adam for our big exam. After a while I just get to a certain point where I don't care anymore how I do. I go in knowing that I'll do the best I can and that I know if I do bad, I can recover, and I just take it. It was eight pages of short answer questions, and I didn't really do all that well, but whatever. I have time to recover and I'm not worried because for the past 14 years of my education, I have never failed my standards (which are a little higher than an F).

I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with Chubbs. He's been working himself to death lately and he really needs to get some rest, but he won't. He loves his job too much. It was a rough day for him though. I walked in the studio and there was cartage and equipment set up in what seemed like mountains. Whatever they did today was HUGE, but it sounded good according to the rough mixes Chubbs was working on. We then went to dinner and then went back to the Pembroke House to work on the stuff I recorded last Saturday. I was pleased with it, though it is nowhere NEAR the quality of a professional. I was just excited to get a good sound off of 70% of the drum kit. Once I get a method down for that, the rest should be simple. But I'm learning all sorts of stuff through my own studio time and the internship. I'm excited about that.

Right now I feel pretty calm. I was thinking about my future a little bit today, but then I decided to change my thoughts. I don't really want to think about my future right now. I've got too many things that need my attention here and now rather than off in the distance. I have faith that God will make all that happen without me and my clumsy efforts. But I feel good. I'm glad that things are the way they are right now, even though they are a little bit difficult. After all, I do so love a challenge. I'm also glad that I don't have anybody "special" in my life. Maybe that's because I've never had a good experience, but whenever I think about it, or see other couples walking around and holding hands... I get this sick feeling in my stomach. Could it be that I have joined the ranks of Everyman? Could I be afraid of committment? All I must say is WHO CARES! Life is good. Hope you are doing well. Peace and love.

Learn More

I've been in this relaxed and reflective mood all day. It's the kind of mood you have when you feel like everything is all right, even if it isn't. I've been a bit more introspective this weekend than usual and I found some interesting things. I found something that I need to work on: Personal expression. If I don't want to talk about something personal, and someone wants to really really bad, I can loose my temper pretty quick. It's not a very positive quality, I must say. I think it springs from the fear of me being soft and not standing my ground. I do that from time to time. Or it can also be related to pride. I remember last year I said something I shouldn't have to this girl and she got upset and she wanted to talk about it, but I was pretty hurt to begin with, and I didn't want to face her... So like a coward I sat there next to my phone while it rang and rang and rang and I didn't answer it. I just sat there and played my guitar. That's about the lowest form of cowardice I've resorted to. I did eventually talk to her though, but the damage was already done. It would have been ten times better if I had just based up and talked to her.

The other thing I was pondering was hate and social analasys. I can look at people and make a quick analasys of their character by how they dress, how they carry themselves, their voice projection, and who they keep close to them. More often than not, this suprisigly ends up pretty accurate. But here's where social analasys gets tricky. It's easy to analyze someone you don't know. See, the more you know someone, the more complex analasys becomes. There are so many factors involved and so many causes that you might or might not be aware of. All of the sudden you're not dealing with just an object that serves no more than a mere stage prop. You're dealing with a human being relatable to yourself. This all ties into hate. You can hate someone walking by on the street. That's easy. That's why you find that serial killers are more often than not, sociopaths. They lack the social development of the concept of other people as being a reality. But to hate someone you deeply know... that takes something else. You know why they behave the way they do and you feel a sort of empathy for them. So we hate what we don't know because in essence we fear it. It is unpredictable as to its influence on our way of life. Marie Curie is attributed with once saying that "Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood." An interestind and applicable concept indeed.

So now I face another week. It is only a half week as Fall Break is just around the corner. Speaking of Fall, the weather has cooled down wonderfully. I'm enjoying the coolness. I just want to sit outside by a fire and ponder things for a while sometimes. But on campus that's a little less than possible. I'm going to have to say that I'm happy right now though, as I continue on that seemlessly neverending trail to manhood. Hope all is well. Peace and love.

2 in 1

Arrrg. I'm in pain. My head has been KILLING me all day and I'm fresh out of tylonol. The stuff Aaron gave me is already wearing off, and I've still got a little bit more to go tonight. As I mentioned before, this is exam week, so things aren't exactly easy. Of course I haven't had time to do laundry in the past three weeks, so I can't really say that it's anything seperate from the norm, but I think maybe I'm adapting a little better. Going back to the laundry bit, if you didn't smell me before tonight then that means I pulled it off. Almost two weeks of dirty cloths! Showers are also hard to come by these days. As soon as I'm done studying, I'm probably going to hit one up. Yesterday marked day two without showering, which I broke sometime mid afternoon, but today I didn't get to take one when I woke up... because I couldn't wake up fast enough.

Tomorrow is the start of midterms for me. I'm ready to get them out of the way, but some of them (like accounting and intellectual properties) I dread. That means I'll probably be studying my brains out for the next few days, but once next Tuesday gets here, I should be in the clear. I'm also looking forward to the possibility that Grant might be coming to visit me this weekend. That would be pretty cool.

Anyways, have you ever heard of that psychological occurance between a hostage and their captor when they form this sort of weird bond after a while? Well... I think that's what's going on between the studio and I. I've had to be there so much in the past three weeks that now that I'm away from it... I start to miss it a little. I still don't know how I'm going to make ANY money in my profession though. Such a tough business to get in to.

But I have to go back to studying now. Tomorrow morning's Mass Media exam can't wait for me to get a good night sleep unfortunately. I promis that once I'm in the clear from all of these exams and I have enough time to shower... I'll write more meaningful journals. But anyone who goes to college knows exactly where I'm at right now. Peace and love.

Here at the Studio

I went to be early last night, but it was still pretty hard to wake up this morning. I don't know what I can do, if anything, to wake up feeling refreshed, but whatever. I'm here in the studio right now doing secretary work during a session. It's sorta neat because it's a horn session which we will be crossing over in about ten minutes to a string session. From what I can hear, it sounds pretty good, but I won't be able to sit in the room for a while. That's not a problem though. There's alot of high emotion running around in that room that I feel comfortable avoiding. There have been a few technical problems here and there that have brought up the stress level a few notches.

Things are about to pick up pace here though. Midterm week has just begun and I endure my first one tomorrow morning. Thursday is the next, and then Monday is the last. I'm going to have to find time to study because right now, there isn't much, and that's just for studying. That's not to mention homework that I have coming up soon. But I'm not too worried or stressed about it. This is life.

I think it's about time for me to work again, so I'll talk to you later. Peace and love.

Monday... Here it Comes

This weekend was good. I'm only going to look at the good because I feel that if I do, then I will begin to only remember good, and in so doing, will begin to only expect good. Basically I'm looking for a more optomistic outlook on life. But tomorrow is Monday and so I'm a little nervous as usual. I'm not crazy about waking up early, and I'm not enthralled by the concept of class and schedule... but Monday's are, after all, the only day of the week where I have time to take a nap, so I will atleast be able to catch up on a little bit of sleep. Other than that, I have my HIV vaccene (can't spell?) screaning tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it because I'm really interested in seeing whether or not this will work. Let's see... What else is there? Hmmmm... I don't really have much more to say. I'm in a pretty good mood right now, but I'm also spending an awful lot of time thinking about that cool pillow that rests about eight feet to my left. In fact, now that I think about it... I'm afraid the pillow is just too irresistable. Have a good one. Peace and love.

The Much Needed Weekend

I stand (or rather sit) here today a partially refreshed man. I've been seeking out serenity where ever I may find it, and some of it is working for the better. I got away from campus last night and spent most of it hanging out with Matt. We watched several episodes from our little tv series dvd set trying to catch up with the other guys so we can all watch it together. We also did a little bit of talking as to the drama that has been floating around Pembroke lately. But Chubbs, Burly, and Fire (Jen)came around later in the evening and we did some hanging out together. It was nice and relaxing... well... all except for the hot wings. See, whenever someone puts hot wings in front of me, I must eat them. It doesn't matter if they're too hot for me, I just love them so much that I'll try to ignore the pain and eat them anyways. Well... Chubbs brought back some hot wings that were too hot for even him to eat, so I decided to snack on a few... Let's just say that I felt it around noon today. Oh, and Viking also called from VA, where he was traveling for his brother's wedding. He told us that he made it in all right, and we passed the phone around to talk to him. It was nice. But later, after everyone else went to bed, I had this weird experience where I opened up to Fire and told her the story of my failed relationship, which is ultimately why I don't find Belmont girls appealing. I've always been left on a hanger with that situation, never feeling completely resolved. So she gave me some advice. She told me that I should write a letter explaining how I felt because I had nothing to loose. So... I did. I don't expect a response honestly, I never expect a response from that girl, but I feel good about writing it reguardless.

And going back to reitterate on the part where I stated the reason as to why I'm not attracted to Belmont girls... I can't start to think that they would ever be as epic as what I have experienced. Everything about me and this girl was epic, or atleast I took it to be. So much amazing circumstance happened in that relationship that I just can't explain, and I've grown so much as a result of it. But I can't ever see a girl topping that. How can a girl ever meet me like that? How can a girl ever attain so many desireable attributes as that? How can a girl captivate my heart like that? These are all questions that I hope have an answer... because if they don't... I fear that I will never desire anything else but that of the unattainable. That is my fear now. Last year it was that I feared I would never meet the right girl despite my tireless efforts, but this year my fear is that I will never meet the right girl because I don't want to look for her anymore. I'm content with being me and functioning the way I function (a concept that I have explained in previous journals)I look at the most beautiful women now and I feel nothing. There is something missing, and that something, I now know, is an epic presence. I've even had beautiful women try to gain my attention and affection, but I'm not the slightest bit interested because there's nothing to fight for. But then the girls that are out there that out of the random chance MIGHT attract me, I don't persue them either because I'm tired of fighting. But even beyond that, if the girl who played such an epic role in my life before even came back now, I fear I wouldn't even see anything there either. Now, considering my past feelings, that's a big deal. And that, friends, is why I am scared.

But moving on to better things. I had a session tonight that I engineered. It was with Matt and Aaron on drums and bass. It went pretty well, and now that I've worked that console (with exactly 6480 buttons) it doesn't seem nearly as intimidating as it did before. I just need a few more sessions on it and I think I'll be alright. Other than that, the guys and I have been talking, and we think we might form a band. It's still in the works as to who will play, when, where, and what, but everything made to be great has a simple beginning.

And so this is life as of now. Not quite as chaotic as it was turning out to be on Monday, but I'm finally in a valley for the time being. And if I were to continue this metaphor (which I will) I would go on to say that the mountain to be climed is slowly coming into view, but I'm not going to look at it. I'm going to enjoy the metaphorical flowers, pleasant sunlight, gurgling brooks, and soft dirt around me. I hope you are feeling well, doing well, and learning well. Have a blessed day. Peace and love.

P.S. I'm now wearing my new longjohns!!!