I Forgot to Title this Journal

I'm not going to say much on the happenings of yesterday other than this: You don't have to be who you've always known yourself to be. You don't have to always respond the same way to painful situations. You don't have to live based upon the negative experiences that have weighed you down for so long. Sometimes we know in our hearts what is right, but pride can get in the way. Sometimes it gets in the way because we secretly want to feel the pain and we want attention, so we want it to get in the way, but peace is not made in such ways. Sometimes you just have to take that step from cowardice and pride to bravery and humility.

I haven't been able to think clearly lately. I don't know what is going on in my head, but I just can't think critically all of the sudden. I sit in class and my mind is completely gone. I can't pay attention and I can't grasp even the simplest ideas. I can't even speak clearly, or type clearly for that matter. This is bad timing. I have two more tests to take this week and I don't have any means by which to study because my mind is completely shut down. I don't think it's senioritis because I am really interested in the classes I am taking, and I don't think it is stress because I have come to peace about the other taxing situations in my life. Maybe it's stress aftermath? I don't know. I just don't like the way I feel right now.

If I'm having aftershocks from puberty I'm going to be pretty mad (unless I get a full beard out of it... then I might not be so mad).

I know my heart is changing though. That much is certain. What did I write in my last serious journal? Something to the extent of "There is much in me that requires change." Perhaps
God took that as a prayer. Perhaps I am changing all over.

Change or no change, there is one thing certain. I have now killed 19 mice. I am now just three mice short of beating the brown recluse kill count during warm season. We killed 22 brown recluse total. I'm sure more than that died in the attic from being sprayed, but that's how many bodies we found in the house. I know the mice are hungry though. They've started to eat their own dead. That means that they're really in a panic for food which means they're easily hunted. They'll get stupid just for a bite of bread crust or even flavored cardboard. The only down side is that they come to my room now. I hate that. It only makes me want to kill them more, and boy do I. I've killed three every night for the past three nights, and I've killed them all by hand. I'm even starting to have heigtened senses later at night when they come out. My body is being conditioned for the hunt. I can distinguish between the rattling of my heater and the sounds of them scamping across my floor. I can tell the difference between an adolescent mouse squeek and an adult mouse. I can even predict their movements on the floor, which is why I've been able to catch two of them with my bare hands. I'm pretty sure I'm paying way too much for rent though, considering how many mice I've destroyed.

Well, I'm going to go take a shower, cook dinner, and then study for the rest of the night. How does that sound? I'm definitely looking forward to Sunday when all of this will finally boil down. I'll be consistently busy until then. Peace and love.

Stupid Shaving Cream

Okay, so a new front for my frustration has just come into play and moved everything else to the back burner. I just shaved with that new lotion shaving cream that they've been trying to sell on tv, talking about how it leaves your face smooth and silky. I bought it because it was cheaper than a can of cream, and yes, my face is pretty smooth. I'm sorta ticked though because the stuff doesn't wash out of your razor when you rinse it. It just congeals in there and clogs up your blade! Not only that, but when you drain the sink, the lotion doesn't wash away, it just sticks to the side of the sink! Oh, this also marks the second consecutive time I've cut myself using the stuff too. It's not the blades, I just bought a new set, it's definitely the cream.

I disapprove!

My Unchanging Selfishness

OH MY GOSH! I just can't get through this in one piece can I!?! Misunderstandings, assumptions, bitterness, sensations of betrayal and love both falsly and truthfully placed. Everyone has a pocket full of advice whether it be from experience or not. Everyone has their own home remedies. Everyone wants things to stay the same, even the ones trying to promote change.

To avoid drama I simply pack up and leave. That's how I dodge the problem. Mitch and I talked about it. He and I share the same tactic. We're like captains aboard a submarine with a breeched hull. Something got through and we're taking on water. The sub is still okay, but we're going to have to seal off that section with every man still inside. So that's what I'm good at. I'm good at grabbing the door, pushing it shut and twisting the hatch while staring the drowning men on the other side of the glass in the face, all beating the pipes with wrenches trying to keep their heads above water.

Selfish? Didn't say it wasn't. I just said that's how I deal with emotional problems.

So that's the first step. The next step is we surface and bail the water out with a dixi cup. It takes a good bit of solitude to do, but any amount of water can be bailed with a dixi cup given the appropriate amount of time.

And I do count it as my tragic flaw to be so cold, to count a situation lost and turn my back with so little feeling of remorse. I don't know how I developed into that kind of person. I have my ideas here and there, but all it took was one situation to reveal that dark part of my life in all of its harshness and brutality.

Yes, yes... there is much in me that remains in need of change.

Filling Shoes

I wanted to write a response on a movie I saw last night. I went to see "The Painted Veil" with Viking. There weren't many people there to see it, so it seemed like a gamble, and it started off a little rough, but I have to say that it was probably one of the most impacting movies I've ever seen. It was as if I was looking into the eyes of a late 30's version of myself, only it wasn't really me, it was Edward Norton. The movie got me thinking about my ideal image of manhood and how that might look applied to my life. I feel like I have most of it down. I have age down. I know I'm young, but I'll be 23 soon and you can't really catagorize that as a kid or even a teenager anymore. I have the knowledge part down too. I know enough now to be able to function on completely independantly (maybe not in Alaska, but you get the idea). There is one thing missing though. It is, in my opinion, essential to complete the image of a man, and I just don't have it down yet. It's the passionate drive, the desire to work a that one thing that compells you to distraction from everything else. It's not selfish either. It's almost always in the service of others.

When God made man, the first thing he gave him, even before woman, was work.

I just don't have that passion yet but I feel like I should. I feel it stirring in my blood. It's like having a place on your gums for a tooth and feeling it just under the skin, but it hasn't poked through yet. Maybe it's because I'm in school and I just don't have time to be devoted to any one thing. I think that probably has a great deal to do with it. Either way, I don't feel like I would be worthy of the fruition of some of my other desires until that part of me has come to maturity. I know it's not exactly up to me, but that's how I feel.

This week is going to be pretty heavy. I have three tests and a full work schedule. I'm going to take it with a smile though. I need to rejoice more in my discipline than I normally do. As any regular reader knows, I am very proned to letting work and stress get under my skin rather than realize how they continually shape me into someone stronger and wiser, hence, I complain a lot. And for someone who hates bitching as much as I do, it's ironic that so much bitching comes from me.

I wrote a poem in class last thursday about that. Sucking it up or getting sucked up by each and every situation. Funny, I'm sitting in class writing page length poetry instead of paying attention. Obviously my passion must be somewhere in that field of focus.

I'm just gabbing on and on now. I need some sweet sweet sleep. Peace and love.

Man Vs Mouse

Okay, so the mouse war has commenced this season and I am in full swing. My prowess has never been greater and neither has my vengance. I take no prisoners and my methods for termination are a bit less than conventional. Traps don't get a clear message across anymore. I have moved to hand-to-hand combat. The mouse's strength against my own (weapons allowed). So far I have killed 10. Let me share with you the list.

Mouse Watch (War on Rodent Terror):
Terror Alert: Elivated
Report As of 02/03/2007

Name: Death:

Archibald: snap trap
Beaux: snap trap
Charlamagne: snap trap
Dixon: snap trap (brutality: decapitation)
Edwardo: glue trap (frozen)
Fredo: unknown (sink: possibly frozen)
Garrett: firing squad (found in trash and expediently executed by bb gun)
Helius: firing squad (")
Icarus: beer bottle to the head
Jerry: baseball bat (home run)

They're getting dumb, and because we have taken extra measures to keep the house clean, they are getting desperate. They're trying to find new places to get food, but MY room is not one of them! The ones I have caught in my room have died a most unpleasant death.

And the fight shall continue. Be it brown recluse or mouse it makes no difference to me. All intruders will be given no quarter.

Peace and Love (to mankind)
Death and Decay (to mice)

Day after Dancing

I have acomplished the first step in my "Saturday is Awesome" scheduling. I woke up to watching Armagedon and took a shower at 10:00. Now I'm starting to think about food and all the different ways I might procure it. Perhaps I shall ride my bike with Viking, who knows. Only time will tell. Everything I do today will be completely unplanned, unscheduled mayhem.

Last night was great. I went contra-dancing again and I'm getting really good. All the older ladies were mackin on me because I was all dressed up. They said I was a really good dancer which surprised me because I haven't done stuff like that before, but it's not too hard to figure out.
That's the place. Dancing is fun.

So for the rest of the day, I have no idea what I'll be doing, but it'll be fun. Peace and love.

Get to Rebuilding

Clean, everything is clean. For the first time in a long time I went on a cleaning rampage today. I mean I keep things up to par most of the time, but it isn't often that I go "white glove". Over all, I feel pretty good. Things are aligning in order and I don't feel quite as bummed out as I did for the past few days. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I gave myself no free time at all. I kept doing and doing and doing, not stupid stuff either. I was pretty constructive and creative all day. When I woke up I felt like crap. I was really pissed off that it didn't snow AT ALL. But one of two of my classes got cancled anyways, so that was great. Physics lab wasn't even that hard.

I suppose it was only a matter of time before I learned how to bide my time considering all of the new variables this semester. I think I'm going to go hunt for a new job pretty soon to take the place of valet. I can't afford to not be getting work from them right now. I hate the idea of a less flexible job though, and what if it isn't tip pay? I guess I'll survive.

And guys, I don't mean to be so bummed out all of the time. I guess that's all you really think of me if you just read my journal. I'm a happy person a lot of the time too. Sometimes writing is the only way I can express my inner struggles though. That's why a lot of the time it comes out on paper (digital paper). I'm not saying that times have been easy as of late. I really did just come through a pretty heavy storm. This, I actually equate to a tornado... and me? I'm a trailor home. I'm a trailor home that got ripped in half and a good bit of the stuff I loved got lifted into the air. I might not ever see it again. But now, now it's time to rebuild. You can only be bummed out for so long. Eventually you just have to grab a hammer and some nails and get to work again.

Well... a mouse just crept into my room. He can't escape though because I just sealed the door on him. I'll kill him before morning. He doesn't really have much of a place to hide.

I think I'm going to play some guitar for a while before bed. Peace and love.

Anger, Answering Machines, and Hot Showers

You ever have one of those days where you feel like the only person alive. Everything is quiet and no one will even answer their phone. I'm feelin like that right now, and I really wish I could talk to someone. My options are limited though. There are certain people I will talk to about certain things. Some of it has to do with trust, some of it has to do with whether or not I can depend on that person to not be overwhelmed by what I have to say while at the same time being able to know exactly where I am so they can give me hard and well thought out advice. Plenty of people can give advice, I've discovered. Not very many people give advice that sounds well thought out or from experience or wisdom though. They just sorta give you the obvious "Oh, well... you should just think about something else." or "Hey, why don't you just pray about it?" Gee... never thought of it that way before, thanks. Now I realize that some people don't have the gift of advice giving, and that's not necissarily their fault. That's why, when the going gets tough, I get very particular about who I talk to.

Long story short: I'm just really frustrated right now as you might be able to tell. I was doing great all day, but things just blew up all of the sudden. When people start to consistently shirk their responsibilities and it comes down on me, I get a little angry. It, unfortunately, goes deeper than that though, much deeper. That's why it would be cool if I had a line right now, but I don't. I'm just gunna take a shower or something. Maybe that way I won't be so mad.


Peace and love.

Killing Giants

We had fun tonight. It was the first night of the last RUSH week of my Greek life. We always do this recital and perform all sorts of crazy songs, some serious, most of them not.

I'm feeling more comfortable in my recent decisions. I still have a few doubts and unexpected attacks, but that's normal I guess. I'm ready for the fight. I'm trying to look forward to the horizon, to make plans and think positively about what I'm going to experience. I'm also trying to prepare my heart for the seperation and the distance of me from all I feel comfortable with and understand. This isn't like going on the mission field for a year. I'm leaving and if I ever did come back, no one else would be here and nothing would be the same. I don't know. I just had all of these great expectations and now they're not happening. Other great things are definitely happening that I will love, but... I don't know what I'm trying to say. I speak as if I'm so certain. I don't even know if I'll get the job. I don't know if I'll survive the next day. I do know, however, that there are better things to do with my time than to worry about tomorrow.

I tell you what though. I keep seeing all of these parallels to the Biblical David in my life. He's the guy I can relate with the most. He was always the small one who by the grace of God achieved great things and surprised everyone around him. He understood the soulful principles of music and recognized beauty where it could be seen. He was a fighter, but he also spent time running away and hiding. He was a leader, and an unlikely one at that. He did stupid stuff to get women's attention. He and I, we have a lot in common. I mean I'm no king, but I understand this man and where he came from.

Well... not much else to say. I hope I make it through tomorrow. It's going to be pretty cold in the morning and I have to work outside. I don't know what this means for my hands, but it can't be good. Peace and love.

Solo Excusrion 07: Winter Edition (Special)

So I made it back alive. It was quite the experience as I expected, though it was a bit colder too. But hey, I've got pictures to help illustrate this story, so here we go.
I loaded up my car yesterday as soon as I was done with everything important. It took a bit of time and I was honestly surprised at how much junk I was taking for just one night, but I thought about it, and most people go camping in groups, therefore, most camping equipment takes up lots of space to accomidate lots of people. Here you can see my tent box, the firepit base, and an extra blanket in the back. I'll talk more about the equipment later.

So the drive itself was nice. It wound along the Natchez-Trace Parkway for a little over an hour, and there were hardly any people out and about, so it was relaxing. I listened to the Eels and Jeff Buckly on the way. They seemed most appropriate for the mood and the setting.

When I got there, it was about 1:30. I like to see how fast I can find my site and set up camp, so I got to work. This is the site I declared in the name of solo excursion.
It was site located in the very back of the park. Odly enough, it was site #4, though I was a little curious as to how they decided to number the sites because it didn't seem like fourth in line for anything... Anyways, I got to setting up. It was easy and a lot less cold than I thought it would be, so I didn't get too slowed down. It only took me about 30 minutes to get set up they way I liked it. I was pretty happy about that.Here you can see the tent with my stuff inside and the firebowl with my faithful ax resting at its side. There was a steep hill behind me, perfect for walking down if and when nature called. After everything was set up, I got to building a kit so I could start a fire for dinner after I got back from my hike. I needed a tender box because I didn't have any gas, so I shaved some wood off of a block using my knife, and I put the scraps into a CD case that I had in my trunk (I knew that thing would come in handy one of these days).After that, I grabbed a water bottle and headed out for a little exploration. I basically started with the objective of finding a trail. I had no idea where they were or if they even had any, but I figured it was a national park, so there was bound to be one somewhere. I eventually found one about a mile away from camp and decided to go down. The next step was to find a walking stick. Not but a few steps down the trail did I find one that someone had purposefully left there. Hikers do that every once in a while, and I was glad because it was a perfect stick. Now all that was left was to explore the unkown. I had no idea where I was going, if the trail looped, or if it just kept going. I just wanted to figure things out as I went. The only problem was that the sun would be going down in a couple of hours, so that was a motivating force to be careful.

I found some cool sites while I was walking, stuff that was just really beautiful to me.
At after a couple of hours I had a striking realization. I was pretty far away from camp and I had about two hours left of light. The trail was poorly marked, so if dark fell, I would be spending the night out in the cold. I had the option of turning around or sticking to the path and gambling that it was a loop that would lead me back to camp. I kept going, and I also thought up a plan for if I did wind up stuck in the woods for the night. I was planning on digging a ditch in the dirt by a log and then covering myself with leaves while marking the pile with one of my shirts just in case someone came along later on. I was also trying to convince myself that I could start a fire with two sticks... (highly unlikely). I figured that would have been enough until morning, but we'll talk about why it wouldn't have been later on.

So as I continued on I saw several awesome sites including 5 deer that I scared up the hillside and a hawk. I also saw this place that reminded me of the Disney production of White Fang. I could so see a little log cabin sitting right in the middle. I was a bit nervous taking the picture though. This was about 50 feet up and I was right on the edge.

Shortly after this picture was taken I spotted a road off in the distance, and being that it was dark, I figured I stood a better chance near a road at night than on a dark and poorly marked trail. So I set out on the road, not really sure what direction I was going, but I figured I'd run into someone at some point who could tell me. After about 30 minutes on the road, I soon discovered a picnic area, so I figured I was in the right spot. I kept walking until I found the camp grounds and then I found my camp site again. At that point, I had about 20 minutes of sunlight left. Close call.

Now I needed to cook some food. I got my cooler out of the trunk and started the fire up pretty effortlessly. A good tip, I'd say, is to whiddle your walking stick into the fire pit. Take the shavings and pile them up and start the fire. It worked on the first try. But for dinner I had hotdogs, greens, a can of pork and beans, and a baked potatoe (well... I started cooking the baked potatoe, but it got a little... overdone). Rule number one about being prepared is that if you take canned food, either make sure the lid is hand openable or make sure that you bring a can opener. Nathan for the lose on this one. Oops!Knives are great things. The bigger the better. But everything was cooked over my perfect roaring fire. I used a little wood block as a trey so my pots wouldn't burn me. I didn't have any bowls or plates.So after I ate (better than I have eaten all week), it got dark and quiet. I sat and sang and prayed for a while. The main purpose of the trip was just to get away and get with God about some stuff. If I really ever want to be sure I'm making the right decisions, I need to get completely isolated for a while. But being that it was dark (and my flashlight batteries were dead) I figured I'd just go to bed. It was only around 7 o'clock as I guessed, but what do you do in pitch dark at night? This is when the true hardships began.

I fell asleep as my fire died outside and then I awoke to the most feared sound I could have immagined last night. No, not bears, not any kind of animal. I heard rain and heavy wind. I started facing the facts. Things were getting cold and wet FAST, and I was in for it now. Too late to pack up and go home. I pulled my hat down and got deep into my sleeping bag and went back to sleep. I woke up a few times after that because a part of my body would become exposed to the biting cold, but I would cover it up again and go back to sleep. The sun is what finally woke me up. It shot me right in the eye. I put on my shoes and crawled out of my tent into the breathtaking air. I turned and noticed that it wasn't just rain last night, but freezing rain which had created a thin layer of ice on my tent. It was at this time that I realized how fatal of a mistake it would have been to get stranded in the woods last night. I doubt leaves would have saved my life and Lord knows I can't start a fire with sticks.
So I was cold and I was groggy. It was a hard night. Get off my back. My drinking water was frozen solid, so I couldn't even brush my teeth. All of these elements to the equation helped me make up my mind fast. I needed to pack up and go home. I started up my car and started throwing things into it. I didn't fold anything up and I still had to take a break to unfreeze my hands in my car before starting again. I hope I don't have anymore frostbite. That would suck. I might though, we'll see. I got it all taken care of though and left in a heated car. Before I took off, though, I stopped at Meriwether Lewis' grave to pay my respects. If he did what I did for longer than a night, he has more than my respect.
I even made it home in time to go to church. I found out that I woke up at around 7:30 and it only took me another 30 minutes to break down. On the drive back I listened to Josh Ritters. Again, this seemed best for the mood and the sunny morning road. I think you would have agreed had you been there. When I got home I took a warm shower and then checked the weather. It got down to 17 degrees last night. I feel like a man now.

But hey, I gotta go unpack my car before it gets dark, but the adventurer in me is appeased and I got the spiritual guidance I went out to find.

Peace and love

Time to Survive

I'm almost all packed up. I'm going camping for a while, just by myself. I haven't done something like this in four years, so I'm a bit overdue. It'll be cold and I'll be underprepared, but the fun is in the challenge. I mostly just want to get away from everything so I can think clearly and uninhibited. It's hard these days to find such a secluded environment as a campground in the dead of winter. I'm a little bummed because I can't take my guitar, it'll be too cold. But I'll probably still sing. Who would be there to hear me? Anyways, it's on the Natchez-Trace Parkway at the Meriwether Lewis Memorial Park. I'm not sure how to get there yet, but it's mile marker 385, so that ought to be info enough. I'm dying for a little bit of exploration anyways. I'm sure there will be hiking trails too. That'll be awesome.

Let's see... yep, a low of 27 degrees tonight. I suspect I'll be okay. I know of a few survival methods to keep warm at night, plus I have extra cloths and a pretty good stock of firewood to see me through to the next day. It'll only be for one night. Depending on how cold I am I might stay well into the afternoon tomorrow, but that's pretty unlikely. My cell phone will be off unless I need to use it, so if you call, you're just going to get my voice mail. I'll try to take some pictures to post when I get back.

As for last night, it was amazing. I went contra dancing which is a mix between ballroom dancing and square dancing. Guys were definitely the minority, so it was pretty fun. I'm planning on going back next Friday, only this time with a better pair of shoes. My feet are soar.

Peace and love.

The Conclusion

Things are finally concluded in this enduring episode of misery. I can now focus on the things that I should be focusing on. Sucks that it has to end this way, cuz for a long time, things were going really well, but I've made up my mind, and I can see its purpose already start to unfold. Now it'll be hard for the first little while. I'm going to have to phase completely out of a picture that I enjoyed being a part of, but this happens all the time in life and it is a part of growth. I know a lot about myself now and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Many people have tried to convict me in the past, saying that "You really messed things up by feeling that way." I used to listen and take that to heart, but not anymore. I don't feel guilty for caring and I never will. There are risks involved in life that you must take if you care to see any kind of progress. It just so happens that I've only had negative progress, but I won't give up. If it'll happen, it'll happen. Peace and love.

Killing Lots and Lots of Time

Well, I'm sitting here in the library trying to kill time. It's all about saving gas these days ladies and gentlemen. That is why I don't go home for a couple of hours and then come back. I would sooner save poor Felix (my car has a name) the trouble of having to turn on, rev engine for a few blocks and rest again. So keeping that in mind, I planned to spend time between Physics lab and Music Publishing class writing a paper that is infact due in Music Publishing tonight at 5. Now Physics lab usually gets out at 3, but for some reason I was smart today and finished 45 minutes early (and I didn't cut corners either). I figured, hey, more time for the paper, right? Right. So I came to the library to get started and get started I did. I found the magazine that my paper was going to be on, read through the article and took notes as I went, then I went downstairs to the computer lab and started typing away (a very clever paper if I do say so myself). It was divine providence that the paper should be done this way because the cost to print was going to be 20 cents and I had no money on me other than the card I used to print things off of last semester (which I had no idea how much money was left on it). So I put the card in to print it off and... what do you know... 20 cents left on my card. Hooray! So I printed the paper out, stapled it, and here I am. I started this journal at about 3:05, so I have two hours to kill and not enough weapons, I fear, to kill them with.

It's been cold for the past few days... I guess I can spend some time talking about that. As you know, we don't have heat in our house, so it gets pretty chilly at night. We have our space heaters of course, and all of the windows are wrapped in light plastic to cut down on draft, but the house still maintains... well... a less than worm state. What it means when it gets really cold is you have to wash a lot of socks because you always wear them around the house (hard wood floors and all) and I've never been closer to anything outside of my skin than my space heater and its 1500 watts of red-glowing love. So this is how I pass my time. I grab a book, stradle my space heater, and shoot down the hours. It's been a good sturdy relationship over the past few months, but I fear once warmer weather approaches, my eyes might start to wander.

Here, I can talk about work too. I've started back working 1st shift at work for the first time since summer. I forgot how much I like first shift over second. The atmosphere is completely better than second shift mostly, I think, because guests have just had a good night sleep, and the ones we deal with just want to get out of there. That's easy. Load em up and say goodbye. I'm getting a little better at the whole wake up thing, and sometimes it's useful to be up extra early anways because you get the first shower which means assured hot water. Speaking of showers I've completely switched over from using the upstairs bathroom to using the downstairs one. The reason being is that our shower drain was completely clogged upstairs and we live with some pretty hairy dudes. That being the case, it was like taking a shower on a bear-skin rug... You get the idea. I started to look for other options so my attention veered downstairs to Vikings bathroom. The problem with that was that the water pressure was that of a drooling toddler. I need complete water coverage people! So I got the bright idea to take the shower apart and I found the enemy. I figured that it had to have some potential because the regular bath focet poured out like a mighty deluge when turned on, but the shower was... less. The enemy in this situation was a little rubber stopper located just at the joint where the pipe meets the shower head. Solution: pop that sucker out. I did and now the shower feels more like a riot control divice. As long as you don't turn the water all the way on, though, you're fine. Viking was so excited that I had fixed it that when he took his shower he shouted with glee and then came out and gave me a big hug (fully dressed of course).

But yeah, waking up in the mornings is still hard, even when you have an amazing mecca shower.

Killing mice. I'm trying to kill all of the mice that have infiltrated our house and I'm about to resort to new tactics. I've met a smart guy who thinks he can best me, but he's got another thing coming. A few years ago I was a novice. I was Nathan the Mouse Catcher. The next year I grew in rank, becoming Nathan the Mouse Slayer. This year, however, I have accepted knighthood and am now Nathan of Micebane. I have renown among the species of field mice that this little guy thinks he can play with. We even had a face to face the other day where I warned him as he sat on his haunches looking at me with a stern smirk. He has now twice illuded me, but no more. I shall adjust the sensetivity of the mouse trap and take vengence.

Stuffy just called.

Peace and love.

I'm Angry

I just wrote an entire journal, venting my current frustration pertaining to a situation I have involved myself in. I'm hurting pretty bad right now and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I'm mad at myself, I'm frustrated with others, and I'm loosing heart. I want what I can't have, the only thing I can't attain by working hard enough, the one universal thing that most people who already have it, take for granted. It's a gift, and it has been given to so many people around me, but it passes me over again and again and again. It's torturous repetition, and I'm not even aloud to talk about it because people think of you as pathetic if they know you want it too badly.

The manly thing to do (or at least as culture dictates) would be to stand up, put a stern face on, turn, and walk away. You have to be cold and not want it if you ever want it at all. And I want to be cold and walk away so badly, I really do. I know I could too because I've done it several times before, but something keeps on holding me back and I can't identify what it is yet.

I erased what I had originally written because it was a physical response to a heart situation, and the body can't be trusted to interoperate the things of the heart. I saved it though. I want to look at it again later when I have spent more time being quiet and listening and praying.

Have you ever prayed to God as if He was someone who you knew didn't like answering you about certain things, but you're still looking for approval from? You try and set up a trap for them by saying "If you don't tell me that I'm wrong, I'm going to take that as a go-ahead." I do that sometimes, like tonight for instance. I pray about this part of my life all of the time, but most of the time I hear silence. I want something sharp, like lightening, to just pour into the room and write a command on the wall that I can understand. Sometimes I feel like God only likes to speak in cryptic riddles. I'm a simple person though. I don't get riddles very easily. I just want to be grabbed by the face, having it shaken, and told, "THIS is what I want you to do!" followed by a series of schematics so I don't have any excuse to screw things up.

That doesn't happen though. I mean it must happen this way for a reason, but I honestly don't trust myself to be mature right now. I get set off so easily when I open myself up. I'm just looking for an excuse to close myself off again, but if my inner heart tells me to stay open just a little longer, I'll endure this immense pain and stay open a little longer.

Peace and love.

I Already Thought I was Going Fast as it Was

I'm scared to death right now. I feel like I shouldn't be, but I am. I can place it too, right on the nose. I'm afraid of what it is that I'm being called too. I'm afraid of leaving, and what's more, I'm afraid of winding up alone. But I won't stop in the face of fear. I'll jump off, even though it might hurt for a while. I just really feel like there's one last thing I need confirmation on before I leave that would determine if this is indeed my calling. It seems like such a complex ordeal to me, but it's not. I know it's not. It's just when you find something you really like and time becomes vital, well, it's enough to worry anyone. Sometimes you feel like what you want is what is best for you, but situations like this will set clear definitions of truth, and every time I have been here in this position before, what I have wanted has proven faulty. This is one of the hardest areas of my life to have faith in. I have no foresight or patience here, or any kind of plan that I have confidence in.

Having said that, I must be in the perfect state to have God do something amazing because I am now completely helpless. I'm going to be praying for peace, wisdom, and deliverance.

In conclusion,

"If I were to speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy and could fathom all mystery and all knowledge, and if I had a faith that could move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I gave all of my possesions to the poor and surrendered my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease. Where there are tongues, they will be silenced. Where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

That's the chapter I have been memorizing all week. It's I Corinthians chapter 13, and I apologize if it's not spot on. I'm pretty sure it's close though. I just see so much reflection in that chapter as to what has been happening in my life and in my heart this past week. If I could only tell you fully.

Oh, by the way, if you want to hear the sermons from my pastor at my church (they are amazing), then I'll tell you how. First you need Itunes, which is a free download if you don't already have it on your computer. Once you open Itunes, go to "Store" in the menu section, and from there select "Podcast". After that just enter in a search for "Midtown Fellowship" and then you'll find it. Subscribe, download, listen. It's a great sermon.

Peace and love.

Highlights

What a great day. I enjoyed today. The sun was out and everything was perfect. Natalie even came over and taught me how to patch my pants. I can't afford to buy new ones so that's an awesome thing to know which means she's awesome. I also did a lot of home making. Good times and a clean house.

My last few journals have been pretty short. I wonder why that is? I mean, I've had a lot on my mind, but I haven't felt the necessity to write it down. I'm not really stressed out or anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just lazy.

I'll give you the rundown of the highlights of the week... errr since I last posted (which I think is Wednesday).

- Tim, Karl, and Paul came to visit me on their way back to NC from picking up Paul from bootcamp
- My wallet was found and returned to me
- The sun finally came out for a good while
- I've been watching Rocky movies
- Natalie taught me how to sew my pants
- Had lots of good hang out time with friends

I guess the rest is unmentionable as of now. I hope to, this week, start looking at possible job opportunities in the area for when I graduate. I also would like to get back into the gym regularly, or atleast some sort of archaic form of exercise (maybe just push-ups, running, and sit-ups). I just feel like I don't have as much energy as I should and I think part of that might have to do with my current state of unathleticism.

By the looks of the weather, I don' t think we'll be able to play frisbee tomorrow afternoon. It'll be raining (not snowing). I would much rather it snow, but I suppose it's all for the best. If it did snow, I would be very unmotivated to do much of anything. I also really hope that it doesn't any time this week because I made a bold wager to a friend that if it did snow I would take a handfull of it and shove it down my pants.

...

Wow, I just wrote this really long ending to my journal. It was the kind of writing that convicted me as I kept typing and reading back over it. I finished it and looked over it and it rocked my world, but it was as if God whispered in my ear "That's just for you and no one else." I felt compelled to erase it, but I've got a lot to think about now. Having said that, I'm out. Peace and love.

I'm Hungry, short journal.

Matt and I went to a Gnarls Barkley and Red Hot Chilli Peppers concert tonight. He was going to take Catherine, but she had a meeting that she couldn't get out of so I took her spot. I don't smell as good, but whatever, he had to live with it. It was a good concert though and it was nice to do something different.

I'm starting to feel more at peace about the things to come. I don't know exactly how anything will be playing out fore the next while, but all of my worries are starting to simmer down and I'm gaining focus again. I just need to be humble.

Peace and love.

Strength for Patience

I've got a slightly nasty cough right now. It's the hacking kind, but I'm going to make it.

Cold has come again, and the house feels of it. I have to go back to wearing bundled cloths and huddling next to my space heater at night to try and stay warm. It's fine though. I sorta like it this way. It seems to me that my fondest memories have never formed around complete comfort.

I also wanted to give some sort of positive update on today. It was helpful to get out of the house and get my mind off of things for a while. Nothing quite does it like sitting through lectures on music publishing or working the desk on campus. Going to the meeting was good too, getting to talk to all of the guys and hear about what's been going on in their lives.

It reminds me that I have to stay strong not for myself but for the people around me. I can't allow myself to become stagnant or the people who depend on me will faulter. God knows I hate being stagnant. I just want something to happen. I want a sign, an "ok" to move forward or to turn back. I just want something that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, gives me some sort of motivation to make the right decision. I hate sitting in this limbo with just my thoughts and a lot of conflicting advice.

I'll be strong about it though. I have to be because I've come too far to curl up and be a little kid again. Besides, what was it I said about comfort earlier? I'm going to continue to wait and wait patiently for as long as I can stand. I feel confident in the Lord's promise to not test me beyond that point.

Peace and love.

Maybe I Have Rabies (at least then I'd have an excuse)

I try really hard to not let this journal turn into a means for complaint and discontent. It does help to spill out stress onto a page every once-in-a-while, but when that becomes the sole motivating force of expression it evolves into a cycle, feeding itself so that it can be sustained. Life is pretty cloudy right now though. It has been for a few days and I'm trying so hard to defeat my flesh and put off my natural tendencies of dealing with this adversity, but I'm a thickheaded hard case. The semester hasn't even started yet and I feel so defeated, but not by school. I'm sinking into my comfort groove. I'm about to close up and turn on the autopilot because it's easy when my actions are based upon the success or failure of business. When I remove all of the emotional aspects in a situation I can make really hard decisions and not feel a thing. Right now I'm feeling everything and it's driving me crazy. I feel like I've become too lax because I've made myself vulnerable. And I keep asking myself "Why, why did I do that again?"

But this is not what I want at all. It's a selfish, self-preserving reaction that costs the people around me everything and me nothing. I just don't know sometimes. I feel like I've grown up and have learned from the past well enough to not have to go through this again, but for some reason this never gets easier. There are just parts about my being that are not tame at all. For example, my wallet was stolen yesterday and I saw the high school punks that did it. They were in a group of six and so was I. Viking, Matt, and I go and play pickup ultimate frisbee almost every Sunday at this football field a few blocks away from our house, but this Sunday we were interrupted. They came and started hanging around our stuff and I got this funny feeling to go and take a break to check on my pile of crap and sure enough, my wallet was gone. I confronted them about it and one of them, their ringleader, started cussing me out and all that crap that I remember high schoolers do. I suppressed what I wanted to do and let him talk. He threatened to fight me and all of his friends got really nervous at his invitation, after all, we were huge compared to them. I wanted to so bad though. I wanted to call him out of his comfort zone and beat his ass in front of his friends and take my wallet back. I wanted to because I knew I could and that if I had control over the situation I would make sure that he and who ever else wanted to tangle would be very very sorry. I would do the job that his parents obviously were not.

Where does that come from? That's not who I am at all, but yet, given the correct circumstance, it's a real internal problem that I have to be aware of and pray for deliverance from. What hurt worse was that the sermon at church in the morning, just a few hours prior, was about love. My thoughts of violence have been making me feel really short in retrospect. I know what I ended up doing was the right thing. They were just kids and it was just a wallet. It was an inconvenience and they still have time to grow and learn. But I didn't have that satisfaction that one would hope to receive after righteous action.

I don't know, hopefully someone positive will step into their lives and influence and nurture them where they have been so harshly wounded as to behave that way. But as for me, I felt incapable, and my Grace is greater than that.

----------------

And that's all I'll reveal about this funk I've fallen into. Everything else is a little more "light sensitive" if you will. I know I'm supposed to learn from all of this, but that's a pretty tough thing to do. I guess we'll just see what happens this week.

Peace and love.

Thinking too Much

Sometimes I think too much, and it makes me feel crummy. Let me just stop while I have the chance.

Spinning

My head has been spinning lately. Something has me thrown WAY off of normal, and it's really wearin me out. I've been a lot more tired than usual and I've been getting plenty of sleep and eating as right as I usually do (not THAT healthy, but still... average). Usually a quick solution to this problem would be chopping wood or riding a bike or mowing the lawn or something. Here's the problem with that. It's winter so the grass is dead, there is no wood to be chopped, and when I tried to ride my bike, it started raining. I did have the pleasure of talking to a friend about it though. I needed some straight up insight from someone who I knew would tell it to me like it is. I feel like sometimes things are much more complicated than they really need to be, but sometimes you just can't do anything about it. Sometimes nobody can really do anything about it. Idealistically this world would be simple and drawn out... I take that back. I guess my mind isn't really in the right place. If everything were simple and drawn out there would be no excitement or mystery or any of those things that keep us moving in the day. I sometimes get greedy and want to know the things that I shouldn't know. I need to just let go and let the Spirit move me.

Peace and love.

Not Much to Write About

This is going to be one of those journals where I'm not quite sure what to say so I'm just going to write and see what comes out. I just got back inside from sitting around the fire with the guys. I've missed the fire, though I did have a few with Karl over break. I smell like it right now too. I love that smell.

I'm starting back at work tomorrow for the first time after a long time. I don't know how it's going to go becuase I'm so out of practice, but that is one area of my life where I need to try and stay as positive as possible. If I can't work joyfully for the rest of the semester I'll never make it.

I'm feeling pretty hungry right now, but I've already had a lot to eat today... hmmm...

Class continues tomorrow which is somewhat exciting to me. I want to see how my professor will be teaching. I'm talking about my two physics classes which are in the same room with the same prof. He seems really attentive to what we are trying to learn, and he's showing great effort that he is trying to make our time there as effective as possible. He even came with us to sit in on our studio maintenance course to see what we are being taught so that he could get a good feel on what he should teach us as far as electronics go. Pretty groovy.

Wow, I really don't have anything to say. The stuff I've been wrestling with in my mind lately hasn't really worked its way into public domain yet, but who knows. I feel fine with not saying much right now though. It's peaceful.

Peace and love.

Muzik

I've finally included a link to my new music website on the side bar to your right. I can only have four songs at a time readily available, but I will probably rotate them out according to popularity.

Wearing a Smile

I was happy today, genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. Classes started and they were great. My professors are all great. I scheduled at work for the semester and I think it's really going to work out for the best. I can't explain why it is that I feel these sudden bursts of happiness, but I wish I had them more often. Things look so much more beautiful when you're wearing a smile and the sun is warm even if the air is not. I'm still really confused right now, but the difference is that I'm more hopeful of what might happen. Sometimes I really hate being a realist. It's not seeing things white and not seing things in black, but seing everything in grey. Right now, seeing things in white is nice. I'm probably making you sick with all of the happy talk though, but I do wish to get specific about a few things. First off, I had great news today when I went to see my advisor. I don't have to take calculus again! That means I'll never have to take another math class again ever! That's the best news I've had in a long time. More good feelings came from running into people I haven't seen in a while and even more came when I met a guy that goes to my church and who I also work with who said he might be able to get me a road gig with a band when I graduate. That would be perfect for me, but we'll take things one step at a time. The final things that really just made me super happy today was seeing my friends, the ones that are falling for eachother. I left the appartment early so they could say goodnight and I saw them in the livingroom just hugging eachother. It was a beautiful image, and I know it sounds weird, but it made me feel good. I'm going to bed now though. I get to sleep in too. What a day. Peace and love.

Soft and Loud Fears

I'm here and I'm getting settled in. When I got back I ended up driving around town a little bit with Catherine and Matt trying to find some food and I saw things that sparked my memory. It made me feel weird, like something in me was vastly different from the last time I saw those places and things. At the house, things were pretty messy. That's how I left it at least, so I started cleaning and thinking like I usually do. I'm trying to get ready for this future that's about to hit me in the face. I don't want to cringe or frown or anything, I just want to take it with a smile.

My fears are pretty large right now and I share them with the world for no good reason. My smaller fears consist of how tough this semester will be and how I will juggle work and school while maintaining some sense of sanity. I worry about money, even though I know God has always taken care of me. I don't know why I still worry about that. My larger fears are what I actually spend time wrestling with though. I mean the small fears come and go. They merely make me stop and take a second look at a situation before moving in. My larger fears can sometimes alter the course of my life and the lives of the people around me. I don't fear death, and I don't fear public speaking. I heard somewhere that those are the two greatest fears among human beings. Public speaking? Where did that come from? I'll tell you what I fear. I fear that large ticking clock. I fear that when time runs out I will have not followed my convictions, that I will have settled for something less and that I will be just another guy who made little or no difference at all. I fear that what I might choose to do within the next few months will determine that. I also fear that if I do follow my heart and my convictions that I will never be loved the way I've always wanted to be loved. I always hopingly tell myself that it will be a special woman who can settle in with me, but sometimes I wounder if such a woman could exist. But I fear these things because life seems shorter and more limited to me today than it did last year. I also fear these things because I am young. What will my fears consist of in 30 years I wounder?

These are the kinds of thoughts that I will try to balance along with my responsibilities which are about to kick in at overdrive at the break of dawn tomorrow. Classes are firing up and I'm still feeling eaten alive by senioritis. I hope I can find some motivation, something interesting to focus my learning on that actually consists of class material. It could happen. It has before.

I wanted to thank the anonymous commentor on my last journal though, before I head to bed. That Psalm is a wonderful reminder that if I remain faithful, my seemingly large worries will become smaller and fade away as they are either simply removed or worked out. My life has purpose and perhaps it is not quite the day that I should find what that purpose is, but that day is coming. Peace and love.

Last Day Away

I'm going back to Nashville tomorrow for the new beginning of a new semester filled with new challenges. Right now, however, I'm in South Carolina at Matt's house with his family and also Catherine. We've been here for a few days mostly working on music in preperation for today. We lead worship in the morning service and did a rock show tonight. I gotta say, it was great fun. I love playing with a full band of people who understand and also are passionate about music. We clicked really well and everything went better than planned.

It's go time though. There's no joking around this semester. I have so many decisions to make and so much to get done. There is potential for great success or great disappointment and it's really all up to mindset as to which one dominates my life. I have to decide what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go, and why, all before July. Will I get a good job? Will I stay in Nashville or move? If I do move, where to? What is my motivation for any of this? Is it the right motivation? A lot of personal questions sort of latch on to this whole train of thought too. I was talking to Andy about it and the trick is you have to look at the moment as a passing circumstance rather than a stationary cage. Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment that I forget where I'm going and why. It just all seems so bleak and stagnant.

I sorta feel alone though. I guess it's a door that I have to walk through alone. I'm trying to make such rough decisions and I keep getting met with discouragement after discouragement meeting very few allies on the way. I have my friends, but they're going through the same transitions. Everyone else who cares about me only sees me from a distance. That's not really their fault, and I guess it hurts both of us because in that lies a rift in understanding. I guess I'm being difficult too. Sometimes I just don't want anyone's help. Sometimes I'm afraid they'll lord it over me later on. It feels a lot like using a credit card to me. Some people don't mind the monthly bills and constant mental reminders that they owe someone else money, but it really bothers me.

Things will get brighter someday though. I can't even say that things are not bright now. There are lots of good things going on in my life, but I live in several different layers. The top layer is social, which has been great for a long time. The middle is life goals which seems deathly grey right now, and the third layer is spiritual. Though it might be cloudy, I am familiar with the trends of my spiritual life. These clouds always beset growth and warmth.

So let's start it off. Everything is going to pick up momentum and speed very quickly and the semester will pass with a blink, but where will I be in a year? I'm still confident that it will all unfold soon.

Peace and love.

Good Friends in Rough Times

I'm learning more and more the importance of reliance on friends as opposed to toating the weight of the world upon my own shoulders. There's nothing quite like a good friend to back you up when you hit hard times or tough decisions. These people, these good friends, must know you well enough to give you solid advice, and it is important that they be of a diverse background. If you had several friends who were just like you, you wouldn't have... well, let's just say it would look more like a dictatorship rather than a democracy. I have good friends though, good and diverse. I've been blessed with that. But I haven't always completely relied on then in the face of my personal adversities. Maybe at points I was so conceited as to believe that no one else would understand, so why give them the chance. Other times I might have felt that they weren't strong enough or wise enough to give me counsil, yet other times I might feel like my asking for help would be too much of a burdon.

Screw that.

If a friend exists in the rhelm of selfless love with you, then they are capable of being tremendous allies in the face of your weaknesses. If you don't know how to socially interact with someone enough to where you can ask for help, then you need to learn. I suffer from that disease. It's pride at its finest. Outward love and self-pride cannot coexist, and by that I mean that you will never have meaningful relationships until you can humble yourself into letting others carry your load and vise-versa.

That's my soap box for the day.

I was mostly spending the day painting window lats for the new windows my parents are installing in their house. I forgot how tedious painting can be. I worked for a long time (didn't really look at a clock) and I only painted about 6 lats. I've got eight more to go, but fortunately they are a good deal smaller than the ones I was working on today. It was good work though. I got to think and when I'm engaged in that kind of work I think pretty clearly. It's a great outlet in that sense. Right now I'm stuck in a familiar place. My desires and my logic disagree with each other and I've been going insane trying to make the right decisions. That's why I wanted to talk about good friends. They are important to have because on days like today I can call them up and they can honestly and straight forward tell me what it is that I might need to consider doing. They don't just try to make me feel comfortable all the time. Those kinds of people are great, but a good friend will see you in your entirity, not just as a nice person to be around, but also as a person proned to fall. And when you do fall, they don't laugh at you while you scramble to get up, instead, they walk behind you and keep a steady eye on you to make sure that you don't fall. Good friends.

Peace and love.

Urbana 06

Well, it's been just about a week since I last posted. That's a bit draining to stop and think about. The time has flown by but there has been so much that has happened in such a short period. Tuesday several college students at my church, my parents, and I loaded up in a van to go to St. Louis for Urbana 06. For those that don't know, it's a world wide mission conferrence that is held every three years to meet the needs of missionaries and of the world. In all, there were 22,000 of us and it was impressive to say the least, sitting in the Rams Dome at the America's Center and having it full of college students from all over the world. We went to seminars and listened to sermons and worshiped in different languages for five days. It was intense, more so emotionally than physically. I don't get overwhelmed to tears, but instead I just get tired. I was tired every day all the time. We heard mostly about the aids pandemic in Africa and the United States. We listened to different speakers including a princess and Bono discuss different ways in which we could help.

I don't like it, though, that I can't feel emotions the same way as most everyone else. It makes me feel disconected. It makes me feel like maybe I'm missing something. I just can't get personal with 22,000 people. Thankfully I had several friends on the trip I could talk to. As one of the speakers who inspired me most, Shane Clayborn, said "It's refreshing to be around Christians who think."

As far as my calling goes, I'm still not sure, though I feel my path is a little more clear. Having a clear path is different than knowing your calling obviously because a calling is a destination while a path is how you get there. I've written several times before that perhaps it is best that I do not know my calling yet. Certainly it makes decisions a bit more difficult to make (perhaps driving me to rely more on God to make them) and maybe it will even hurt my relationships. After all, I don't know too many girls who would want to get invovled with a guy who isn't sure where he's going. But I still believe firmly that a plan is something a man makes to help himself sleep at night. It is all up to God as to whether or not his plans even unfold. Besides, the mystery is half the fun if you allow it to actually be a mystery instead of insisting that it be a misery.

I've got a great deal to think about right now. Oh, I do have a funny story real quick though. I was in the hot tub at the hotel and was talking to this lady and she asked how old I was and I said "22". She looked at me inquisitively and I already knew what she was thinking. After all, when I get carded for buying a beer, people always check to see if my ID is a fake. She, on the other hand, looked confused and said "You seem a lot older than 22! ... ... at least you talk like you're a lot older." I know it's kinda stupid, but for someone who has spent their entire life looking three or four years younger than they actually are, that's a compliment.

Peace and love.

Christmas Eve

Interesting... very interesting. I'm just gunna throw this out there, but I enjoyed myself today. Let me tell you how refreshing it was to sing for a large group of people who enjoy the deeper passions of music. I stayed up pretty late last night. I think I got in and switched the light off by 1:30am which made today a bit more difficult, but I enjoyed myself last night, so everything has turned out fine. I woke up this morning at about 6:30. I layed in bed with the light on for a while and just looked at the celing, wishing that I could just hit the snooze button, but my cell phone (which is what I use for an alarm when I'm away from my house) has no snooze button. I should consider using my cell phone more often because it really checks my laziness. In the shower I went over lyrics in my head over and over again. As I bent my head down and let the warm water flow over my face, I closed my eyes and thought about how I was going to deliver my song, and I was worried about whether or not I could hit the high note in the other song I was supposed to sing. I just couldn't focus on the true purpose or contain within my being the trust that everything would be pieced togethere as it should be. I drove to church that morning and sang along with the track of Oh Holy Night to make sure I warmed up my voice enough, and when I got there I went to work setting up my computer to play the tracks I had recorded over the main speakers and do a sort of live/recorded hybrid performance. When I got my computer loaded, it wouldn't play the song. It just wouldn't do it. I had the same problem when I was there Wednesday. For some reason it just wouldn't play right. So I decided to take it as a sign. I was just going to play accoustic and leave it at that.

When all of the singing was over, I was full of energy. It was so refreshing to hear people express their enjoyment of my performance, but that's just not enough for me to be satisfied. My satisfaction came by a woman who pulled me aside to tell me how deeply my song meant to her. She was holding back tears as she told me that her brother-in-law had commited suicide earlier that week. She said that he just couldn't accept the love of Christ. That's what my song was about and it really ministered to her so much that she asked me to play at his service. Unfortunately I'll be in St. Louis when the service transpires, so I decided to fire my computer back up and burn her a CD. I gave her the original lyric sheet to go with it and she gave me a big hug and left. Later at the night service, she came back and told me how much my song had ministered to her entire family.

That is what I needed to feel. I'm thankful that God has not taken my ability to minister through music from me. I needed to know that I still had it.

Other than that I got several comments on how strong my voice has become and a guy even offered me an opportunity to come down to his church in Charleston in May to see their opporation. He asked me if I was interested in the ministry when I graduated. I said yes.

Maybe things will piece together for me this year, maybe they won't. Maybe I will find a job that I am passionate about, and maybe I won't. Maybe I will discover my purpose, maybe I won't. Maybe I will find love, maybe I won't. Either way, tonight, I feel encouraged.

Peace and love.

Ominous

This morning feels strange, like it coudl be out of a movie. It's not really any different inside, but when I went outside it was so quiet, and I live in a downtown area. But there was a light fog stretching down from the dark grey sky making it still look like twilight even though it was noon. There was also an entier flock of ravens perched on a dead tree in our back yard. None of the trees have leaves, so they all look dead, but only one of them actually is dead... or dying... I'm not really sure. It just felt really ominous and dim, like a horror movie.

Also

Tis the season. Tis the season when some people remember that they're too poor to get the people they care about the gifts that they think they deserve. Someday I'm going to have a real job though, and then I won't have to worry as much about that. This is my last Christmas as a college inflicted man.

I'm going to give a quick shout out. I really like playing hearts. I just wanted to put that out there. I learned how at Karl's house the other day and I've played twice since. Well, I've gotta go set up a Nativity Scene and then go clean some windows. Peace and love.

Songs

So I wrote a song for the Christmas Eve service of my church becuase they asked me to. I wrote it about four days ago and I was pretty happy with where the lyrics were going. I recorded it with Andy the next day and I was pretty happy with where it ended up. It wasn't until I handed it in that I had my doubts. I'm nervous about it. I want people to hear good music, and sometimes I just doubt my abilities to produce it. I've already commited to it though, so here we go I guess.

I Don't Know How to Say It

I wrote an entire journal earlier today. I was feeling anxious and angry, slightly bitter and all around negative. When I was done, I sat and thought so hard about hitting the "publish" button. I knew it might hurt people's feelings, but did I care or not? After all, would they even be the kind of people who would read my journal? I didn't know. But for some reason I felt like writing a public journal about how I felt would be the best medicine. It would aleviate my pain. So I sat and sat and sat, still deliberating. I thought of how long it took me to write, and it seemed so poignant. Finally I took a deep breath and clicked the mouse.

"Are you sure?"
... "Yes."

I deleted it. I'm glad I deleted it. I don't know what I thought I was going to accomplish. Even if nobody read it, I would know. That really stuck with me for a good while too. As I was driving across town, I thought about my weaknesses. I thought about maybe writing a journal about them. Maybe if I were to just tell everybody what all I know about my shortcomings, it would somehow make my life easier. Sure, I might have less respect and less friends, but I would feel honest. Well, I don't think I'm quite at that stage yet, even though I did give it some solid consideration. I will, however, mention one.

It has cost me so much to hold on to yet it hasn't really yielded any reward. Can you relate to that? I don't know why this is still a problem for me because I'm definitely aware of it. I don't know what to call it either, I just know what it looks like. It starts out with me being overanalytical about something, usually a person. I'll stew on it for a while and write all of these diagnosees on what I think the problem could be. It makes me feel good to be able to label something, especially if I need to find something to be angry at. I can't just BE angry, I have to be angry WITH someone. But then I struggle with doubt. Am I being just? Does this person really deserve everything I'm throwing at them? It can't be my fault, and the way I convince myself of this is by bringing other people in on it. I can tell a pretty mean story on something I'm passionate about, and when you have a captive audience, it's easy to create a protagonist and an antagonist. After all, most everybody wants to be entertained and feel passionate about something, and if they already like you, it's easy for them to climb aboard. So once I've raised my army, I feel just... I feel just, until my army realizes that I... am an ass. Once my army realizes that I'm an ass, I too soon realize that I am an ass.

It happens a lot.

I've said that I don't know exactly what to call the cycle itself, but I do have a name for the root of the problem. The cycle is a fruit of pride. One of my great weaknesses is pride.

But I don't want to keep talking about my pride right now. I feel stirred beyond that. I just got finished watching this movie that really inspired me. There was a scene in it where this woman looked into this man's eyes and told him that she believed in him and that he had a purpose. That's what I've wanted for a long time, not specifically from a woman, but just to hear those words from a genuine person. I've heard it before, but sometimes I get so lost in the mundain that I forget. I have no passion or drive because why should I? It's only when someone comes up to me and recognizes my potentials and gifts and tells me that I have a purpose, only then do I really come alive. It's like a hand reaching in for a drowning victim.

Peace and love.

Home for the Holidays

I'm back in High Point now and things are looking up. My expreience here thus far is refreshing partly because the people here understand me in a different way. I say different because it's not as if the people in Nashville understand me in a wrong way, but it just isn't the same. The folks here are more used to my quirks. It's refreshing when you're down and a friend asks you "what's the matter?" Whenever I'm feeling down in Nashville, for the most part, people leave me alone. Sometimes that's nice, but not all of the time.

It's a time of planning and preperation though. I'd staple the theme of this Christmas Break with "Making Decisions for Next Year". Once school starts back I'm going to disappear for the rest of the semester I'll be so busy. I won't have time to organize my future. I also need to remember to relax too. I need a good amount of energy to get back into this coming school year. But what am I going to do? I'm going to start putting together my resume and throwing it out to different areas of the country near sites of possible interest to me. I'm pretty sure Asbury (Kentucky) is off of the list. I was considering it last week, but I've changed my mind. I'm still not opposed to CIU or South Eastern though (That would be Columbus or Raleigh).

I'm also going to try and write a lot of music and record it with Andy over break. I need some artistic release. I'm sick of so many people in Nashville not giving a damn. I know they think I'm just in denial, that my music really isn't that good, but I know that's not true. I've seen what my music has done to people around the world. I'm not even asking for great numbers, but if a few people enjoy it, I will continue to make it because that's what I love.

I'm still talking though. I need to get to work. I'm also going to be doing odd jobs to make enough money to pay rent at the house come the end of the month, so it's not all completely fun and games, but I don't mind the work. It'll be a good break from valet.

Peace and love.

Took a Fall

This was the worst day of exams I was going to encounter for the semester. I had physics and calculus back to back and I wasn't ready for either. I ended up doing pretty well in physics though, but as for calculus... well I can't say I've ever been more discouraged in my life. My stomach was churning and I wanted something heavy to just fall on me and end it quick... or painfully... at that moment I didn't really care. But I handed it in all the same and for the rest of the day I've been trying to unwind.

I think that test triggered something in me though. I mean I haven't been exactly stress-free for the past few weeks, but today it all came to a head. I wanted to explode in the shadow of my failures. I just wanted something or someone to completely take my mind off of the load I insisted in carrying today. I gotta tell ya, being a type A personality is really intense. I mean that in saying that all of the advantages are really high but all of the disadvantages are really low. For example, I succeed under pressure, but on the down-side if I were to fail, I insist on carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I turn inward and interrogate myself until I can pinpoint exactly what it is and deal with it. That's what I was dealing with earlier today. Tonight, however, I was dealing with the pitfalls of my alpha male tendencies. I chose to isolate myself from everyone else tonight just to wrestle with it and I'm honestly not quite done yet. I was hurt, and when I get hurt, I get aggressive. But I'm aware of the problem, that's for sure. I was talking with Mitch about it. He does well at not just listening, but also giving good advice, so I enjoy our times together of equally contributing solutions to each other's problems. But yeah, I was talking to Mitch about it and he said rather unsurprisingly "Nate, you're not really telling me anything I don't know about you. You've always been the 'alpha male' type and sometimes you suck for it." It's true. Sometimes I do suck for it. But tonight I didn't get aggressive at all. I refrained from saying anything harsh, I stayed calm, and I went out by myself for the night. I felt like I handled it well.

So what did I do... let's see... Well, I went to the mall first-off to find a coffee shop to just sit in, sip some chi tea, and read for a while. That was nice and I'm really considering doing that more often. Then I went and watched Appocalypto by myself. I've never really minded watching movies by myself because I don't ever really spend time talking with anyone I go with during the movie anyways, so what's the difference? Now I'm back in the cold house. It is so incredibly cold here right now. My space heater isn't really making much of a difference and this journal is taking forever because my fingers are frozen. Why am I even writing right now? I need sleep. Peace and love.

Dead Day 7th

It's time. The quality of my work this semester will be determined within the next two days. I have three exams to churn through and two of the hardest, that's Calc and Physics, are both on Friday. I'm nervous, I really am. I don't know how I'm going to do in Calc. I'm trying not to get stressed out about it, but failures at this level are expensive. What else is expensive? The increasing possibility that I might have to stay and take a summer class or two. ... ... This week got pretty intense pretty fast. Not to mention school and work are really beginning to disagree with eachother. Over the summer I didn't think it would be too difficult to manage both, but it is. It's not physically strenuous, but mentally, I just can't take it. I'm divided into several parts and it's really tiring.

But this is just me venting during finals. I'm happy in a broader sense. I've got a lot to look forward to. And, come to mention it, I'm sorta glad that I'm having a difficult time. I would be disappointed and bored if this were easy. But I'm mostly just sorry for the people who have to endure these harder times with me. I realize that my successes and failures don't just simply affect me anymore, they weigh on the people around me too. I figure that will only become more and more true as life moves on. Peace and love.

Writing

Sometimes I wonder if I majored in the wrong field. I mean I enjoy the studio and I enjoy music, but I'm not passionately in love with engineering. Maybe it's because I'm so immersed in it here. I'm sure that has something to do with it, but I really feel drawn to writing. I know, I know, I know. I know exactly what you're thinking. If you're a regular reader of my journal, you have a completely legitimate foundation to believe that I would never make it as a writer. That might be true, but I just really love writing. I love the expression of it. I love just sitting down and trying to think about how I feel or what I know. Even papers for school don't really bother me that much. I just wrote ten pages worth of research papers this weekend, and I actually liked it. It was flowing out of me... probably not my best work, but I feel pretty good about it. So ultimately today I don't really have that much else to say. This is going to be a short journal. I would, however, like to mention that the girls brought us cookies and a card tonight. I love those girls. They're awesome.

Peace and love.

Being Cold and Happy | ALSO | Updated Understanding of Desireable Women

I slept in. I slept in. Every time I say it I am... well... pleased, to say the least. When I woke up I rolled over enough to turn on the tv. I watched a complete movie before I even got up and then I just migrated (with my space heater) out into the living room. Matt cooked everyone a nice breakfast of French toast and we sat and watched another movie. It was a good day to sit around and watch movies. But after that one was over it was almost three, so Matt had to go to work and I felt refreshed enough to start my day up. I know that sound really lazy. I'm mean it is lazy, but I feel that I can rectify that with the rest of my day.

I spent a good 45 minutes getting showered and wrapped up in enough cloths to spend a long period of time outside in, and when that was all said and done with I jumped in my car and made my way downtown. I crossed the river to the east bank because the east bank of Nashville is crappy, so the parking is generally free. I then walked to the middle of the pedestrian bridge and looked over the water at Nashville's skyline. I was listening to Kenneth Copeland at that moment and then I switched over to Elliot Smith. I doubt they would have ever been friends if they met, but it all seemed agreeable at the time. My face started to get really cold way up high on that bridge over the water, but I didn't really mind. It's what you would call "good cold". It, along with the music, and the setting sun, seemed like it just fit the rest of the picture, and that picture gave me a good feeling. But that wasn't why I was there. I went because I needed to sketch the sculpture on the crest of the symphony hall just on the other side of the bridge. I did, and even that was relaxing because it was a new activity for me. My hands eventually got cold though, and no matter what, there is nothing that makes having my hands go numb that is "ok" (same with my feet which have been cold for the past two days). It was really difficult to finish a sketch when you can't feel your fingers. That means that you are dictating your pencil based on the movement of your arms and the trust that your fingers are too frozen to release grip.

When I was done I felt like it was too pure of a moment to just pack up and leave, so I decided to mingle around for a while. I walked around downtown and made my way through all of the tourists up to the Sheraton. I figured that since I was so close, I might as well pick up my check. When I got there though, it was packed. I just got my check and left without talking to anyone. I doubt they could have spared the time. But then I made my way down to second street from Church and found a little pizza joint. I picked up a stromboli to go so I could hold it to keep my hands warm and then eat it once I got to my car. I did just that, in that order.

For the rest of the night I wrote my art paper, but I still haven't finished. I've just been so distracted recently. I'm not worried or anything because I know I can handle what it is that I have to do, but It's been hard to sleep lately for sure.

I got to thinking, though, about how long it's been since I last posted on girls. Man, I used to be so lovestruck. I guess that part of me is still alive somewhere, though I'm glad he took a vacation. It has been nice to decipher what it is that I really desire. That's what I wanted to write about tonight. I want to write it down because I hope to look back on it someday and either estabish the fact that I was wise or that I was a dumb-ass.

So here it is. The verdict.

I suppose that last year I learned more than my fair share about women. In all reality, I was seriously just out of control. I was impulsive, aiming high, and missing my mark drastically. If I were still on the market, I would well deserve the staple of a guy you shouldn't date. Not that I'm that way now, but my friends know. I was shallow and emotionally unstable.

That's a mighty large preface to say this: that I learned by several failures as to, not what it is I'm looking for, but what it is that I need. It really wasn't until Friday that it hit me. Some freshmen guys asked me some advice on dating and what I thought a valuable woman looked like. I told them that there are three cardinal traits to look for.

First off, she has to dress modestly. Sure, the girls that are "fun" wear cloths as if fabric was a war ration, but what you have to remember is that the ones who are seductive and flirtatious now have a good chance to be the same later on, except to other men and not their husbands. It's these kinds of girls that my friend Brian reffers to as the ones who try men on like shoes. I don't care what is politically correct. You can tell a lot about someone by the way they dress.

Secondly, you want to find a girl with a servant's heart. If she serves others without gain, if she knows what it means to sacrifice, that is a strong indicator that she knows what true God-love is. The girls who don't know service and sacrifice are the ones who generally have high-set ideals about what they deserve. They'll slip into a relationship as if it was a warm bath and then they will begin to become excessively demanding, but with no give. They will take everything you have and still not be satisfied.

Thirdly, she must guard herself. If she closely guards her body, soul, and spirit, that means she finds value in herself. I don't mean "Hey, I'm awesome" value. I mean "God made me with a purpose" value. There is a difference. It's strangely attractive when you ask a girl if you can kiss her in the heat of a passionate moment and she says no. Girls like these tend to keep even keels in a relationship.

Having stated all of these traits, I realize how men still might feel. It's difficult and discouraging. These girls never seem interested in dating, but at the same time, it's sorta hot. You really have to get down and fight for these kinds of girls, and for men, that is a very fulfilling undertaking. But also remember that it's these kinds of rare women that don't go for the "bad guy". They want a man with similar traits and values.

It cost me several bumps and bruises to figure all of that out. I don't know if I'm right or not. Maybe I just offended the entier opposite sex, I don't know. I'm not payed to understand women. But I feel fine about where I am in my understanding. Sometimes I'm tempted to be in a hurry, but that is a sign of hoplessness. God definitaly has it worked out for me, and for you, and... well... why jump the gun, ya know? Peace and love.

Life, Passion, Happiness

Not much happened out of the usual this morning. I woke up and readied myself for school. It was, of course, cloudy with promise of rain today, but that's just Nashville for ya. I drug myself to my car, slid the key into the ignition, and then slipped away into mental lockdown. When you don't feel passion about what it is that you do everyday, you inevitably become a machine. Your mind flips off and the only processing you are familiar with is the task at hand. Ah, but I hate that. I've always had a deep inner desire for something phenominal to happen in my day-to-day, but nothing ever seems to come along. Maybe that's how most people feel, I can't really say.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I do wake up in the middle of the day. I remember waking up today. I was walking out of art class and we had just watched a clip from "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I find that movie to be particularly inspiring so that may have had something to do with it. But when I walked outside, the sun was breaking through the clouds. I haven't seen the sun for days now and I was really beginning to miss it. It really seemed appropriate, too, having the sun break through the grey like that. That is, after all, how I feel right now in the midst of finals and, well... life in general. But at that very moment I felt happy about life. I couldn't help but smile and soak it all in. The air felt nice, the sun felt warm, and I really felt genuinly care-free. And for the rest of the day I was met with quite a bit of adversity, but nothing seemed to wipe the smile off of my face. It was a good feeling.

I don't have that very much. I wish I did, but I tend to meet everyone's (and by 'everyone's' I mean business relationships) expectations when I perform like a machine rather than myself. I also generally have several things on my mind, things that I'm trying to sort through and/or figure out. It weighs you down after a while until you just feel serious and dry all of the time.

I was thinking today about the people in my life that are passionate and intrigued by... pretty much everything. I like being around those kinds of people. They help me forget about of the insignificant crap that I spend so much time worrying about. I think what my problem is, though, is that I haven't really found my passion yet. I'm doing doing doing all of the time so I can meet expectations, but I've never explored my own interests. I tend to take the road that seems the best readily available rather than looking for THE best one out there. It might be something that society doesn't deem as particularly glamorous, but more and more I'm learning to not really care about society's classification of spectacular.

Above all else though, I'm praying for change in my heart and mind rather than in my life. I know enough about happiness to understand that it isn't about circumstance, but about the heart. Some of the most circumstantially disenfranchised people in the world also maintain happiness. I ask myself why and what I keep coming back to is that they understand the placement of the way things are. They see God as God and themselves as themselves. Whether or not they understand their purpose is moot. They follow their passion, that little spark in their lives that says "Yes, this is what you were created to do."

So, the biggest lesson I have yet to learn is... where is my passion? I know all about audio engineering, singing, leadership, travel, school work, and service jobs, but where is my passion? Maybe it's possible that I have already met it and it's just not that flattering to me. I suspect that I should be rational about it and accept that as a possibility. Ah, but I have the blessing/curse of being a hopeless romantic. Just as I believe that when I see my wife for the first time, I'll know it, so too do I believe that when I find my passion, I will know it. Maybe I'm damned for such a mentality. I mean romantics didn't catch the header of "hopeless" for no reason. But that is my belief, and as my philosophy professor taught, you cannot disprove someone's beliefs. Peace and love.