Took a Fall

This was the worst day of exams I was going to encounter for the semester. I had physics and calculus back to back and I wasn't ready for either. I ended up doing pretty well in physics though, but as for calculus... well I can't say I've ever been more discouraged in my life. My stomach was churning and I wanted something heavy to just fall on me and end it quick... or painfully... at that moment I didn't really care. But I handed it in all the same and for the rest of the day I've been trying to unwind.

I think that test triggered something in me though. I mean I haven't been exactly stress-free for the past few weeks, but today it all came to a head. I wanted to explode in the shadow of my failures. I just wanted something or someone to completely take my mind off of the load I insisted in carrying today. I gotta tell ya, being a type A personality is really intense. I mean that in saying that all of the advantages are really high but all of the disadvantages are really low. For example, I succeed under pressure, but on the down-side if I were to fail, I insist on carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I turn inward and interrogate myself until I can pinpoint exactly what it is and deal with it. That's what I was dealing with earlier today. Tonight, however, I was dealing with the pitfalls of my alpha male tendencies. I chose to isolate myself from everyone else tonight just to wrestle with it and I'm honestly not quite done yet. I was hurt, and when I get hurt, I get aggressive. But I'm aware of the problem, that's for sure. I was talking with Mitch about it. He does well at not just listening, but also giving good advice, so I enjoy our times together of equally contributing solutions to each other's problems. But yeah, I was talking to Mitch about it and he said rather unsurprisingly "Nate, you're not really telling me anything I don't know about you. You've always been the 'alpha male' type and sometimes you suck for it." It's true. Sometimes I do suck for it. But tonight I didn't get aggressive at all. I refrained from saying anything harsh, I stayed calm, and I went out by myself for the night. I felt like I handled it well.

So what did I do... let's see... Well, I went to the mall first-off to find a coffee shop to just sit in, sip some chi tea, and read for a while. That was nice and I'm really considering doing that more often. Then I went and watched Appocalypto by myself. I've never really minded watching movies by myself because I don't ever really spend time talking with anyone I go with during the movie anyways, so what's the difference? Now I'm back in the cold house. It is so incredibly cold here right now. My space heater isn't really making much of a difference and this journal is taking forever because my fingers are frozen. Why am I even writing right now? I need sleep. Peace and love.