Life, Passion, Happiness

Not much happened out of the usual this morning. I woke up and readied myself for school. It was, of course, cloudy with promise of rain today, but that's just Nashville for ya. I drug myself to my car, slid the key into the ignition, and then slipped away into mental lockdown. When you don't feel passion about what it is that you do everyday, you inevitably become a machine. Your mind flips off and the only processing you are familiar with is the task at hand. Ah, but I hate that. I've always had a deep inner desire for something phenominal to happen in my day-to-day, but nothing ever seems to come along. Maybe that's how most people feel, I can't really say.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I do wake up in the middle of the day. I remember waking up today. I was walking out of art class and we had just watched a clip from "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I find that movie to be particularly inspiring so that may have had something to do with it. But when I walked outside, the sun was breaking through the clouds. I haven't seen the sun for days now and I was really beginning to miss it. It really seemed appropriate, too, having the sun break through the grey like that. That is, after all, how I feel right now in the midst of finals and, well... life in general. But at that very moment I felt happy about life. I couldn't help but smile and soak it all in. The air felt nice, the sun felt warm, and I really felt genuinly care-free. And for the rest of the day I was met with quite a bit of adversity, but nothing seemed to wipe the smile off of my face. It was a good feeling.

I don't have that very much. I wish I did, but I tend to meet everyone's (and by 'everyone's' I mean business relationships) expectations when I perform like a machine rather than myself. I also generally have several things on my mind, things that I'm trying to sort through and/or figure out. It weighs you down after a while until you just feel serious and dry all of the time.

I was thinking today about the people in my life that are passionate and intrigued by... pretty much everything. I like being around those kinds of people. They help me forget about of the insignificant crap that I spend so much time worrying about. I think what my problem is, though, is that I haven't really found my passion yet. I'm doing doing doing all of the time so I can meet expectations, but I've never explored my own interests. I tend to take the road that seems the best readily available rather than looking for THE best one out there. It might be something that society doesn't deem as particularly glamorous, but more and more I'm learning to not really care about society's classification of spectacular.

Above all else though, I'm praying for change in my heart and mind rather than in my life. I know enough about happiness to understand that it isn't about circumstance, but about the heart. Some of the most circumstantially disenfranchised people in the world also maintain happiness. I ask myself why and what I keep coming back to is that they understand the placement of the way things are. They see God as God and themselves as themselves. Whether or not they understand their purpose is moot. They follow their passion, that little spark in their lives that says "Yes, this is what you were created to do."

So, the biggest lesson I have yet to learn is... where is my passion? I know all about audio engineering, singing, leadership, travel, school work, and service jobs, but where is my passion? Maybe it's possible that I have already met it and it's just not that flattering to me. I suspect that I should be rational about it and accept that as a possibility. Ah, but I have the blessing/curse of being a hopeless romantic. Just as I believe that when I see my wife for the first time, I'll know it, so too do I believe that when I find my passion, I will know it. Maybe I'm damned for such a mentality. I mean romantics didn't catch the header of "hopeless" for no reason. But that is my belief, and as my philosophy professor taught, you cannot disprove someone's beliefs. Peace and love.

Praises

I was worried this morning about what I had to face today. I spent a good while in the shower just reflecting, praying, and mentally preparing myself. This morning was the morning that I had to appear in court, and I must say I was a little unsettled. I did everything I could to prepare. I got dressed up in my best suit, I gathered all of the documents I thought I would need. I even gave myself close to an hour to get to the courthouse. I was prepared to the best of my ability. When I got there I wandered around until I found my specific court room. It was big and mahogany and I was small and alone. Seriously, when I first got there, there was no one else there. I was just sitting there on a wooden pew trying to gather my thoughts on how I was going to defend myself.

For a while, people started trickeling in and a couple of ladies sat at a bench next to the judge's stand and began calling names in order to organize all of the cases. I was the only one wearing a suit, so I felt even more out of place. A couple of people even asked me if I was a lawyer (haha). Ah, but then came the judge. He was a bout five feet and six inches tall, probably in his early 70's. He was basically a pleasant, small old man. He was small, but it became clearly evident that he didn't hold that position because he was a lenient man. Everyone who went before me was found guilty and had to pay a great deal more money than they had initially been charged. I became nervous. I thought about pleading guilty for a bit, but I didn't, I just held on. Finally he called my name. I pled not guilty and then he asked for the officer of my accident to step forward to prosecute. The officer wasn't there. He looked at me with his head tilted down and began to thumb through my files that were set before him. He asked me if I had a clean record and I looked at him and said yes. He then asked if I was sure, as if it were some million dollar question on a game show. I said "yes, your honor, I have a clean record." Then he cracked a smile, and waved me on out of the court room. He threw out the case.

God is good. I think it worked out this way so that I couldn't claim any credit for the verdict. All the credit goes to Him. This was such an interesting situation.

And for the rest of the day I simply spent any time I had trying to catch up on school work. I did a pretty good job too, but I'm not out of the woods yet. Tomorrow should be the very last of my seemingly small worries. Then I'll feel much much better.

I hope all of you make it through your finals. Break is just around the corner. Peace and love.

Mentality

You sometimes have to catch yourself from jumping into preconceived ideas and feelings. We aren't always right, despite our wishes. All day I was jumping in and out of positive thinking. I met up with Mitch for lunch today and was expalining how I felt to him which, come to think of it, I should really do with someone more often. I tend to keep things locked up without even thinking about it. But anyways, I'm fighting a war right now. I have the potential to be really stressed out this week or to accept these trials as an entertaining challenge. I have the choice to understand my current state as either opression or a blessing. I know I'm going to make it. I have hope. It's just all about the mentality from now until I'm there.

I'm thinking also about after school plans. I'm thinking heavily on Raleigh, but I also haven't completely ruled out staying in Nashville. There are only two things that could keep me here, and one of those things is if my church ends up needing me for something. The other reason is personal. I've also brought on a third possibility. I could go to China as an English teacher when I graduate. I hear they pay well and who knows, maybe I could be a little bit more than just an English teacher while there.

But over all today I've been trying to count my blessings. I have to become mentally fit before I enter the gates of what this week will hold. I want to do what I do well. I want to be satisfied. Peace and love.

Thanksgiving and then...

I always seem to get leveled out when I go home for breaks, especially when I get to see pretty much everyone who I grew up around. When I got to High Point and unloaded into my old room, I made eye-contact with a stack of my childhood pictures. While I was looking through them I realized that I had completely forgotten about who I was before I came to college. It's weird how that happens and I don't know if you can even relate, but reguardless, it was nice to ponder on.

I'm not going to give a play-by-play description on how my break went, but I got to see all of my family and all of my friends. It was exactly what I needed before I face what will possibly be the most difficult week of my life to date. I'm not really worried about next week's exams, but tomorrow starts off what I have come to know as "Hell Week". Hell Week happens twice a year at the end of each semester, and I may have mentioned it in previous journals, but if not, here we go again. This is the week that all of the semester long projects are due. This is the week that the jerk professors try to fit just ONE more test in before exams. This is the week where work is "short handed" and can't let anyone off early. Basically, if you're going to pull an all-nighter in college, it's most likely going to be within this week. My only problem is that I don't think I could pull an all nighter and survive, not anymore that is. I remember those days when I was full of energy and could stay up all night and be fine the next day. I've actually stayed up for a personal record of 42 hours once, but that was when I was young and vivacious (a full three years ago). Now... well, now I am old and groggy.

But I suppose my attitude is really all wrong going into this week. I know it will be challenging and I can't really complain. I mean honestly I could have worked on this stuff in advance if I wanted to, but I didn't. I made that personal choice and now I have to live with the consequences. I feel refreshed enough to take it though. Whenever I go home I become removed from the stereotypical "college boy" image and I start thinking like an actual adult. I think part of it is really just having things put into retrospect. Who I was then and who I am now, meeting under the same roof to make tougher decisions. It's good. I just wish I could hang on to that feeling a little longer, ya know? It seems so fleeting.

Enough talk. I'm jumping in. Peace and love.

Women and Mink

So I was shift manager tonight and the hotel was pretty much dead. It's Thanksgiving week, what do you expect? I was standing out at the desk by myself when a woman came out for a smoke. Now I must warn you that I don't notice the cloths a woman wears on a regular basis. My attention rests mostly on the face, which gets me into more trouble than I can explain. Women like it when you compliment them which I fail at time and time again. So this lady looks at me as if I'm supposed to say something, and all my clever mind can come up with is

"Keeping warm ma'am?"

The way I see it, it's little clever phrazes like these that complete the image of someone in a service position. I should maybe consider taking on the name Jeeves or Nigel. Maybe that would help too.

But anyways, she looks at me and then looks down at her brown, glistening mink coat and says affirmingly.

"Yes."

I knew I was in for it. She sat down and told me that she'd been warm since she got to Nashville. She then began to convince me of this with a few mink related stories. She was evidently standing in line at a store and a woman was just looking at her coat. She explained this to me proudly.

"You know what I did? I asked her (as she slid her classes slightly off her nose) 'Are you warm? Because I am! I told her just like that too!"

I wasn't sure what to say. "Good for you?" "Way to be a complete @$$hole?" I just smiled instead, thinking to myself that it's little things like this that keep boring nights interesting.

Ahh but today, today. I hesitated when I woke up as I do most early mornings, but I felt to energized to just stay in bed. I went to all of my classes but Calc. I just couldn't bring myself to do it because she has been so cruel as being my only teacher who did not cancel classes tomorrow. I can't be home at a decent hour because she's teaching new material that is going to be on the test as soon as we get back. Mean.

But at work I was given two totally awesome chairs just because they didn't want them anymore, and tomorrow I get to go home to High Point. I'm glad about that. I get to see all my family and friends. Fun times! Peace and love.

Create

Well, the week is about to start again. I know I only have two days to work through, but I always struggle with the last few days before a break. I left so much on my plate, and I know it's going to kill me as soon as I get back, but I accepted that fate when I started this semester. I always put things off until the last minute, suffer immensly for two weeks, and then put it all behind me for Christmas break.

Lately I've been in a really artistic mood. I've been wanting to either create or solve something. I wrote a new song last Thursday night and recorded it. I'm really happy with it, though no one else seems to like it. I've accepted that about Nashville though. No one here is really touched or impressed by music unless (and even then, rarely) it has some big name tagged onto it. I'm finding that I'm less and less discouraged by that. I'm returning to a place where I don't need the approval of others to write. That, in all honesty, has been my biggest writer's block for the past few years. At home it is easy to wow someone with a song, but here it isn't. So the trick is that you have to put everyone else out of the picture and write songs that have meaning to you.
That's what this one is like. It's called "My Desert Valley" and it's about a small patch of dirt I found in Guatemala that I used to go to at night when everyone else was going out for some R&R. I would take my guitar and just sit and play and sing for as long as I could without being interrupted. That was musical purity, or at least, what I know as musical purity. That was a time when I didn't play to impress. I played because it brought peace to my soul. Now it seems that I don't have time to play, and when I do, I'm just trying to fill a quota.

I hit it today though. I found that place that music used to take me to. I was recording an old song I wrote just for exercise when all of the sudden I completely forgot that I was recording. My eyes were half shut and I wasn't even in the room anymore. I was inside the song (as weird as that sounds).

Today I also received an answer to prayer in a weird kind of way. If you read my yesterday journal, I was talking about how I'm sorta confused right now about how I feel and about what my attention is supposed to be on. I was praying for an answer or strenght. Today I was talking to my pastor, Randy, and I didn't even tell him what I was struggling with specifically. He told me that sometimes we pray for answers but God doesn't give them to us. Instead, He wants us to want Him more than the answers. That's what I needed to hear. Now I need the strength for patience.

But I'm narrowing down my reasons for meloncholy as of late. I know that I have all of these projects due and exams coming up, not to mention work related stresses, but what's really been getting to me is lack of communication. I think I might be lonely. It's not that I lack enjoyable company. I have great friends. It's just that right now I feel like I've hit a place where I can't really communicate. I want to talk with someone who can both understand exactly where I'm coming from and who will listen to me and give me advice. It's not that I'm not thankful for what I do have. I realize that very few people have the kinds of relationships that I have. It's just that if I were to talk with someone from back home, they would gladly give me advice, but their capacity for knowing exactly what I'm facing is limited by distance. If I were to talk with someone here, however, it would be expected. I guess I'm trying to say that my friends listen and they say nice things, but I feel like when I share my problems I am becoming a burdon, and I rarely am challenged with advice. On top of that, it's been quite a while since I've had time to sit down and talk with my mentor. So... I know I'm not the one to ask for help or anything but... I really just want some help right now. This stuff is heavy and I'm not strong enough.

Ahh, but I'm not going to complain about that anymore. I might only need a vacation to get set back up on my feet. And besides, the fire tonight helped. I built one by myself and sat out there for an hour just being quiet and thinking. I was thinking about God's plan for me, what that might entail. I was thinking and hoping that His plan would not require me to sacrifice the few things in life I would like to enjoy. I want to graduate on time. I want to have a home. I want to someday be a good father and husband. I just realize that my fulfillment under God's design might require that I give up those desires. I'm learning to be okay with that.

Finally, and again going back to church, I was as close as I have ever been to crying during a service. We watched this film in relationship to how God cares for us. I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to cry in front of all of those people, but later God whispered into my ear that "sometimes there is strength in tears."

Peace and love.

Truth and Friends

There's much to do for me between now and Tuesday night when I make the long drive back to High Point. I'm sure I'm going to forget something, but that's okay. At least I'm not disappointing myself.

Last night was Natalie's birthday, so Matt and I attended a surprise skating party for her. It was really a lot of fun. I hadn't been skating in about 6 years as had most of us there, but it was almost more fun just flopping around than actually being "good".

Sorry about the kissy face. I was caught off guard and... well... kissy face. I realize now that it looks as if I have an uncontrollable attraction to Matt... but I assure you. This is not the case.

But anyways, after that we came back to the house and sat around the fire and told stories. I really like that group of folks.

Arg, but so much has been on my mind lately and I've really been praying hard for answers and/or strength. I have come to know myself quite well these past four years, and I understand how it is that I respond in certain situations. Take work for example. My boss tried to lay a huge guilt trip on me about not being around for the holidays, so my first and longest lasting response to that was, of course, guilt coupled with anger which then flowed into a new thought process of ideas of glorified action. Maybe I would quit and find a new job just to make a statement. All of my rationality just goes right out the window.

I'm going to be honest and to the point though. I know that healthily loving yourself is important, but my emotional side is a side of me that I really find hard to embrace. On the up side, everything seems so beautiful to me, and I appreciate beauty. On the down side, I feel that I am largely missunderstood and that I make people who don't know me very well uncomfortable when they are around me. I feel like people always think that I'm up to something. I was talking to a girl about that a few weeks ago. And by the way, I really appreciate anyone who tolerates the lack of small talk that is so prevelent in my desired conversation. Most people, again, get really uncomfortable when I start talking about the real things that are on my mind. But anyways, this girl really didn't see it. She said she has always trusted me. I thought about that for a while, and I have realized that trust is one of my most valued attributes in any kind of relationship. Trusting someone, even if they don't necessarily deserve it, is one of the loudest ways by which you can communicate heavenly love.

Wow, I'm sitting here just barely hanging on. I'm rubbing my eyes because they are well aware that it is indeed 2 in the morning and that this is indeed the third night I've stayed up this late. My eyes know the truth, but my fingers are trying to convince them otherwise.

So I guess to close I would say that this week I have learned why trust is so desireable and valuable. I've learned that after supressing my emotions for so many years of my life, it is only natural that I'm going to suffer through a few awkward spells as I learn discipline in that area. I've also built upon the understanding that having girls as friends is a really good idea. They bring so much more color to the table than that of just guys.

Here's to the awkward stages of life that teach us and make us better men and women. May we consistently find new inspirations and understandings to ensure our progress to become fully alive in God's design, and may we have good friends to walk along side us as we go.

Peace and love.

Disorganized

I'm listening to Mozart's Requiem right now. I wish I could see it live. I can just feel the energy.

My room is also disorganized which means one thing...

So is my mind.

This morning was cold and grey and neither Matt nor I felt like going to class at all today, but we roughed it out and went anyways. I didn't even bother grooming myself before leaving, so I looked pretty grizzley, but I figure this is the last point in my life where that kind of appearance will be acceptible. In the long run, I would consider it good for anyone to, every once in a while, just completely not groom themselves. It teaches humility and shows you where your true confidences lie.

So not only did I not feel much like going to class, but I also didn't feel much like going to work. Of course, these are feelings, and my feelings rarely have so much power over me as to control me in such an irrational manner... That being said, I went. When I got there one of my bosses looked at me and said. "Hey, guess who's shifting tonight!" (shifting is a term we use to describe shift managing) ... I looked back and looked to the floor and sighed "...Me..."

"I had a feeling you wouldn't be too thrilled about it."
"Who was supposed to be shifting tonight?"
"Chris, but he called out."
"Oh..."

Basically what that means is that by no means possible may I be cut early, which in the depths of my desires is what I was hoping for. On top of that, I was informed that I'm only allowed to miss three of the six major holidays at work (each holiday is evidently grouped in two days). That means I must either come in for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years. I told him flat out that me coming in on those days was out of the question. I don't think they're in any position to fire me for not coming in, being that they're already hurting for crew, but if they do I don't really mind. I'll just find another job.

But outside of work, Catherine, Natalie, Matt, and I have been planning out a road trip for the beginning of December. I'm pretty excited about it because I've honestly never gone on a road trip before, and the way I see it, they're the perfect group to do it with. Most girls get all dramatic about every little thing, but Catherine and Natalie are just along for the fun and excitement like one of the guys. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again.

"That's refreshing."

But we fear that Andy and Kevin won't be able to come with us and play the concert in Matt's home town church. Matt was really looking forward to that as it was his idea, and I was sorta excited myself, but we've got time enough to figure something out.

Let's see... oh, my scroll button on my mouse is broken. I've got to see if I can disassemble it and work on it because it only scrolls down and I'm so engrained in the habit of scrolling up AND down. It gets me every time.

So now I go to bed. I've got a big day tomorrow and I'm not really all that concerned about... well... anything scholastic. Have a great day! Peace and love.

Survival Basics

So how exactly do you survive in a house with no heat in the most dreadful of cold? I'm still figuring that part out right now. As if waking up in the morning wasn't hard enough, it's even more difficult when you get up to slam the alarm and the cold just completely envelopes your body. We've got these dinky curtains up where there should be doors in the house in attempts to contain any heat we manage to produce, but I have a feeling that those curtains aren't quite heavy enough to do the job well. I'm just going to accept the fact that the house will be cold. I mean I could make small investments here and there to warm things up a bit, but in all honesty, I'd rather just tough it out. It keeps my head in the right place.

I've managed to find myself frequenting the library more and more these days in attempts to find a small plot of peace and quiet. I sleep on a desk in the back of the second floor level whenever I get the chance. I know people walk by and snicker when they see me, but the joke is on them. They're the one's who are awake.

I've spent the day thinking a lot about what I wrote about last night. I have landed on this understanding, which might not be divine, but I have interpreted it as so. I can make all of the plans I want and work for goals that I wish to have, but ultimately it is God who will decide where I end up. That being so, I plan on sending out resumes to both Nashville and Raleigh. I'm also going to be looking at open doors in churches and in relationships. Does anyone here really need me? They might like having me around, but do they need me? I feel that my life's purpose is to fullfill someone else's need. My eyes will be open for the next rest of the year.

I'm learning stress management along with my understanding of all of these things. I'm trying not to focus on how busy I am, but instead, how I am performing. If I see something as a challenge rather than an obligated task, I tend to have higher spirits when undertaking that activity. I do not, however, wish to waste my worries and efforts on tasks that would draw my attention away from more important ones. I tell you that I first and foremost value relationships followed by my passions and then scholastics. I'm not going to waste my time in college by sucking at school work, but I am also not going to let it rip my relationships apart or steal my drive and enthusiasm. You must balance yourself or you will go crazy.

Peace and love.

New Skin

Okay, so I've made a few changes to my blogs as of today... and I hope that they add a bit of aesthetic value to this weary journal. Hope you like it. I don't really even know if I do right now. We'll see. I think the larger font will make it more reader-friendly...

Hah, my mind is completely blown right now. I could best compare it to one of those money machines that they have at some fairs. What you do is you stand inside of them and they turn it on and all of this money scurries around in the wind and you have to grab onto some of it. What you grab you can keep. Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, that's how I feel. All of those thoughts floating around in my head and I'm excited to see them all, but I can't seem to grab onto as much as I would like.

I've been thinking a lot about post graduation and what I will do when... well... when I'm a post graduate. I think sometimes that I would just love to leave Nashville and start over again. Raleigh would be ideal. But then sometimes I think to myself about those factors that could convince me to stay. There are only two possible ones that I have given consideration to, but I suppress them for several reasons. First of all, where I live is strongly dependant on meeting certain demands. Primarily I need to get a good job that can support my loan payments as well as my own place to live. Also, I can't be in love with music and live here in Nashville at the same time. It's too critical and my passions have weakened so much because of that. I want to be in a place where people are still mystified by the power and passion communicated through music. Finally, I would be staggered if I stayed. I'm sure I would have lots of fun staying here for several more years, but I fear that I would shrug off responsibility and try to stay in the demographic of "fun-times college years". I am a progressive person by nature. I look forward to growth and new challenges and I associate this place with an old stage of growth. I felt the same way as a senior in high school. I grew up in High Point and it served well for that, but then came a time for my passions to desire change. I had to leave. Now I'm here and I've done a fair share of growing, but my passions are stirring again.

I don't know what kind of decisions to make. I honestly feel like these kinds of plans are what help people sleep at night, but are as certain as... well... uncertainty. I can't say either way, but I can make predictions. Arg... if only you knew the full of it. My heart is really being torn down the middle right now. But I guess that in itself is a form of growing. Peace and love.

I'm In My Way

How full of highs and lows today was. I'm greatful for both.

I've been waking up at about the same time every day for the past two weeks and, to be quite honest, the earliness bothers me less and less. I find that all I need is a good laugh in the morning to get me going for a little while... sometimes caffeen does the rest. This morning was no different. Matt and I both had to be at Belmont at 9am sharp for Country Showcase recording. This one is a big deal because we'll be taking the mix and giving it to Channel 4 to be broadcasted on television. It's a large responsibility that I'm thankful to be a part of. But man... that truck is small and hot for 12 hours out of the day.

But while being there I was full of ups and downs. One of which was my blatant immaturity at handling a situation of being exposed to someone who, when I last left, I did not part well with. I know how I should behave, but sometimes my deeper feelings just completely bypass my front-guard. At least... I became increasingly aware of that today.

But after the showcase Matt and I went to see a movie with the girls, and it was really good. The end hit me hard though because of something that visually happened that reminded me of Phill. The feelings are still there for me as I'm sure they are for everyone who knew him, and they can be dug up in the most odd places at the most odd times, but I held it back there. I didn't want to have to explain to anyone why I was so upset. I don't like that either though because then I leave everything up for assumption. Why do I make things that complicated? Ahhh but anyways, to give the film credit, the ending did twist around to make things better and give me something positive to end on.

And now that I'm home, I have checked my e-mail and found an unexpected word of encouragement from an unexpected person. I don't get that much. I mean I've always gotten that from my family, but from outside sources, I don't get that too much. Sometimes it's nice to realize that the simple things I do, the things that I might not even consider myself good at, might have a huge impact on someone else.

So I conclude with this. I get in my way an awful lot, and I'm not one to make excuses, but, I'm young yet and still have a great deal to learn, and for that I am truly thankful. Peace and love.

Vivid

I don't know what to say about today. I mean I felt like it just never happened, sorta like it floated by without my noticing. On top of that, things have seemed more beautiful to me lately. It was rainy today, but I just couldn't help but notice the way the water glazed the red brick sidewalks in just the right way or how the leaves seemed to be scattered on the ground, not as if they had fallen, but as if they, in their array of color, had been placed there with purpose. The past few days have been like that really, seemingly surreal and distant, but at the same time, beautiful.

But this morning I woke up early to write that art paper that was due today. I completed it just effortlessly as I had expected, and now that is one less weight on my mind. What seems to have my attention at the moment is my capacity to graduate on time. It seems like a long-shot which sets my moral back a bit, but I am more discouraged at the reality of leaving Nashville. That is quickly becoming a thought more and more difficult to bear.

So with these scattered and more all bombarding my head, I have found a new place of solace. The library is a surprisingly peaceful building to go to and study, think, read, or just stare off into space (who would have thought). I haven't been there since my freshman year, and I really just forgot what it was like. I even have my old spot still. It's on the second floor all the way back in the left corner.

Today I was scanning through the books near my spot just to see if anything would catch my eye. I started in on this book about grief counseling, how different people react over a loss. It's been a while since Phill died, but I think about him a lot. I guess I just kept reading because I wanted to see if how I felt was "normal". It turns out that for the most part, I am. I say "most part" because the crying thing isn't on the level. As most of you know, I cry just about as often as I throw up, which is hardly ever. The last time I cried was at Phill's funeral about a year and a half ago. Before that, it was four years. I've never really understood why I am like that, with the exception that when I was seven years old I promised myself that I would never cry in public because I didn't want people to think I was a wuss. The book hit on that a little bit. It caught my attention when it first said that some people express the act of crying as "losing it" which is exactly how I put it. The book explained that crying is a means by which people draw comforting attention and sympathy from others. When they cry alone it can still provide this feeling of comfort because of the psychological reinforcements built around the act. It said that people who do not cry usually don't because they don't want sympathy. It went on to say that when these people do cry, they express it as "losing it" because they are afraid of deep grief. I suppose that's true for me as well. I mean I've always known that I don't enjoy people feeling sorry for me, but I've just never made the connection between that and crying before. In fact, even admiting this is making me uncomfortable, but I choose to continue because I want to look back on this someday.

My way of dealing with sadness and stress takes a lot longer than crying. That's why I wish so hard sometimes that I could just cry real quick and get it over with, but I can't. I would be a horrible soap opera actor because I can't even fake it. Why am I still talking about crying? Change the subject!

Okay, so I was scheduled to work this Saturday, but I need it off because I have to work on the showcase. And that being said, I also need to go to sleep so I can wake up early in the morning and feel super. Peace and love.

Perspectives of a Selfish Ass

Introspection can be a wonderful thing. We are all a mystery within ourselves, but it can be dangerous too. I've come to understand a few small truths about self in the past couple of months as my convictions have been leading me through progression after progression. I will be honest. I do have the initial response tendancy to put myself before others (a shock to all I'm sure). Though I do consider this to be a natural tendancy within all mankind, I also do not underestimate its potential to consume nor do I condone my actions of being a self-centered ass. But even animals have a bit of self-centered characteristics to them. Wolves will dominate for mating and food. But if you want to see the finest examples of selfish existence, look no further than man.

Bitching and moaning about how unfair things are. Always feeling like the world is pressing down on you. Looking at the negative in everything. These are just a few case examples of the perspectives of a selfish butthead. I should know. They came straight out of my own heart. What is the thought process? It's pretty complex, but I'll do my best to explain.

We're all born with it. As children it is usually blatantly apparent until we reach a certain age when we become cognitively aware of the existance of other people. We then learn social behavior, how to interact with people who might differ with us in personality. This is a long process that lasts... well... I'm still working on it, so it must last beyond college.

Love is the only entity in our lives that can balance out or even overthrow the selfish nature. Love, in fact, is the exact opposite of selfishness. To make a better comparisson, I will call selfishness inward love. The antithesis of inward love is outward love. And I think to myself which of these attributes did Christ most vividly depict in his life? Certainly he did take time to feed himself and cloth himself, and sometimes he even went off by himself to pray or grieve (John the Baptist). But he didn't want to have to suffer and die for you for the sake of suffering and dying. He suffered and died because of his love. He wanted to sacrifice whatever it took to love you if that makes sense.

So what kind of love will give your life meaning? I hate to say it, but you will never reach the bottom of your soul no matter how much time you spend pouring into it. The individual can never be satisfied which is why capitalism works so incredibly well. But even if you did reach the bottom and found yourself, who would be around to celebrate that with you? What kind of memories do you think you will keep?

"Oh, hey Me, remember that time I cloistered myself away and just did everything I wanted to do? Wasn't that great?"

You know how you can tell how selfish you are? Look at your relationships. Do you have any? If so, do you feel like you can open up your heart to those people or do you merely keep them around because they make you feel comfortable? Do you ever listen to their problems or are you so consumed with yourself that you push them away and don't give a damn unless you're in a good mood?

Outward love is not selfless in attempts to be a punishment to us. It is selfless because if you truly love as God loves, then you will not need to focus so hard on yourself. You will have the help of God through others around you filling those needs. Basically, being selfish destroys the lives of the people around you who do care about you and want to love you. You can only serve one master, so if you choose to be selfish and only do and think the things that you want to do and think, you do not know the fullness of love. You know comfortability and that is it.

I am thankful that the people who love me are not like me.

Peace and love.

Cold Steam and Hot Po-tots

I was out driving back from a meeting downtown tonight and the air was just right to coerce steam out from the manhole covers. I know it sounds weird, but I really like that image.

Tomorrow is a rough day for me though. There are only two, maybe three things that can get me truly stressed out on their own, and one of them, a calc test, is tomorrow. I feel pretty crappy about it, but I've studied and I don't know what else there is to do but be at peace about it and get a solid night's rest.

Sleep and diet are becoming more important to me, especially lately. I feel like I'm deterriorating from the past two years of self abuse. That's why tonight I cooked my self a real meal. I had chicken brest, spinach, and a baked potato. It was pretty good, though I forgot how long a baked potato can take in the oven. I'm also going to try to go to extra lengths to fit breakfast in to my schedule in the morning. I had breakfast today and I felt amazing.

You know what else is amazing? What happens to all of that energy I had when I was a freshman, able to stay up until two or three in the morning and function perfectly fine the next day. It's only been three years since then and I'm already an old man. That's amazing.

But in that respect, I feel wiser and more capable now than I did then. I don't know, I mean I still have crappy days and I still get my head stuck in the clouds on the occasion, but I don't let it affect my performance as much as I used to. I'm becoming more realistic with myself too. I know what I can and can't take and what I am and am not ready for. I am thankful for the rate of growth I have endured because I can see clearly that it wouldn't have worked quite as well any other way.

And right now I'm really praying for a spirit of humility. I've learned so much about love (the full spectrum, not just romance) in the past few years and I really feel convicted that my pride is a huge barrier in my way of truly loving others and being responsible with the love people give me. It is my desire to continue learning about the deepness of love and sacrifice. I have come to learn that true spiritual freedom rests on the other side of that undesrtanding. Love because you were first loved. Peace and love.

Mental War

What can I say? Not too much I'm afraid. At least, not too much of anything that is conclusive to a thought process. All that seems to want to come out of my fingertips and on to the keyboard are lists of fragmented ideas that are currently filling my head.

I remember my dream I had during my nap today. I should rephraze that... I remember my dream in a non-memorable kind of way. Little flashes and images of people, sensations, emotions, activities, kept flashing through my head. I would feel panic and then peace in quick succession. I can't say that my being awake has been very different. The tell-tale signs of stress are pressing down upon my body. I've had this twitch in the muscle over my right kidney for the past few days that comes and goes. That means I'm stressed. I always get a twitch somewhere in my body when I'm stressed.

So what do I do to beat it out? I try for better sleep and more healthy foods. I also try and prepare as best I can for tests and assignments that might be coming up. That's about all I have control over. The rest sits in God's hands. He knows how I'm wired and what my mind is capable of doing to my body. More or less, I know I'll survive.

I do have joys punctuating my life here and there to battle that stress though. The fires at night have been amazing. I love to sit and talk or not talk. It doesn't really matter to me. I also again have really been enjoying the friendship of the girls as of late. I also have a lot to look forward to. Graduation is big on the list as well as the life changes that take place after college.

I know this entry is short and rather pointless seeming. I honestly wish I could talk about all of the things I am feeling right now because there's a lot. But that's just not the way this works. That's what my paperback journal is for.

Ahhh what am I still doing awake?

Peace and love.

Pep Talk

This morning I decided to wake up early and get started on the math I hadn't finished last night. Topped with some eggs and extra warm socks, I found myself still having a difficult time focusing. I figured that maybe if I went to Belmont early, I would be able to find a nice quiet corner and focus there. That's what I ended up doing and for the most part, it worked. I'll tell you though. I worked on that math for the majority of the day. I even went to a math lab and became quite discouraged after the math tutors couldn't even help me. This is supposed to be an introductory course! But I did eventually get it done and handed in. That's just the small part though. I have a test on that material on Friday. I'll be studying for the rest of the week is what that means.

But on the way to school, I gave myself a bit of a pep talk. Being super-frustrated is accepting defeat. I never give up so easily and, in fact, I rather enjoy finding out which doors are opened and which ones are closed. If you've ever seen the movie "The Edge", Anthony Hopkins' character puts it best. "Most people who are lost in the wilderness do not die of starvation or cold, but they instead die of shame. They believe they will die and so they do." So I'm not going to accept defeat but I'm also not going to stress out about victory.

Moving on.

While eating dinner at the cafe tonight, I saw a really cute girl eating by herself at a table for two by the window. I hate it when that happens. I almost got up and walked over to introduce myself except I really just didn't want to be another guy trying to pick up on her. Besides, I learned quite well from last year that random introductions don't really quite work that well for a person of my... personality(?).

We sat by the fire again tonight. That's really turning into a great investment. It's good and quiet, away from the everyday hum-drum. Matt has taken a fondness to cooking on it and I just get really relaxed amidst its warm glow. Sure it makes my cloths stink, but that only ends up making me feel like more of a man, so no complaints here. But we were really bummed that no kids came to ask us for candy being that it was Halloween and all. Chubbs bought a ton of it to give away. I guess we were just too scary for them in our natural habitat. Maybe the parents in the neighborhood saw me out swining my ax Sunday afternoon and told their kids to stay away. Haha... not likely ;)

Well, I'm going take positive steps towards a healthy night's sleep. Peace and love.

Discouragement, Big or Small

I should be working on math right now, and I know that usually makes me discouraged enough, but I've been doin so well this year at defeating that mind game of "I fear math". That's not to say that I've vastly improved on my performance, but there has been some here and there. Right now, though, I feel really mentally burned out and frustrated. I've had the classical music playing that I use when I really need to study, I took a warm shower, I've even been shouting out prayers so that my mind might be able to focus. I can't afford to miss this assignment. But here I am, still finding it difficult to focus. This being the case, I've decided to sleep early tonight and wake up early in the morning to work on it again. They say your mental processing is much sharper in the morning than at night. I don't know if I believe "them" but I'm willing to try anything out at this point.

I was enjoying nature today though. I find maple trees in fall to be almost as vividly enjoyable as fire, and it was a very nice day to walk around between classes and admire all of the maple trees scattered about the area. But as I was walking I got to thinking. Is this truly God's purpose for my life? To be here? Now? It is a conquering and sobering thought, asking questions of who really is making the decisions in my life. I'm so close though, and certainly there is much in my way before reaching the goals set before me, but it's all just a matter of time now. I want to be done so bad. I don't want to suffer these stresses anymore. I know I'll receive new ones when this is all through. That's to be expected and, in fact, I welcome them as long as they do in fact meet that one simple prerequisite of being new. I feel though as if I have grown two sizes too big for my cloths. I'm being held back from persuing my passions. I have come to judge my current endevors as wasted time spent on frivolous activities. All natural I suppose. I have to keep reminding myself that I am no anomaly.

I suppose I could find peace and motivation in all of this "busy" work if I knew that God had specifically placed me in those positions for that purpose, but so many of my prayers of discouragement go unanswered it seems. The silence is what has brought me into a state of questioning. It is a unique silence in that among every other facet of my life God seems to be providing me with plenty of spiritual guidance. But every time I open a text book (and I know this sounds rediculous, but it's true) I seem to feel no spiritual drive pertaining to what I'm studying at all. That's not to say that I don't feel inspiration, because I do. It's just that none of that inspiration falls within the subject of the task at hand.

Maybe it's because I don't expect God to tap me on the head tonight while I sleep and magically make me great at math. That is my raw and open spiritual concern that I lay before you right now. With all of the cries in this world from abused children, widowed wives, the murdered, the lost, the starving, and with all of the sacrafices made by the most righteous of people, where does my discouragement with school work lie? Knowing that God is limitless doesn't change the fact that I still can't justify my small, middle-class, white boy college student discouragement to God in the midst of all of the weight of the universe. Asking for such things makes me feel spoiled, but still, it doesn't stop me from asking, like tonight. I just don't seem to get any answers or peace when it comes to stuff like this, so I begin to sway back and forth, reconcidering how important my pleas seem.

Ah, who knows. Maybe God will tap me on the head tonight. Whatever be the results, I'm sleeping. Peace and love.

Starting a Fire with Damp Wood

I know I always say that I'm tired, but I must assure you that those other times shy in comparison to how tired I am right now. I should be in bed, but there's a lot going on in my head and writing... well, it seems to be such a wonderful means by which to deal with mental fragmentation, I thus have no choice but to comply with my yearning desire to express.

Let me adress why I'm so tired. Well... when the party at the house last night started getting a little crazy, Catherine and Natalie were gracious enough to let us go with them back to their apartment to escape the chaos. I know a lot of people had a great time, but I just feel weird about those kinds of environments when alcohol really starts to take its hold. But anyways, we decided to go to the store and pick up a few ingredients for this little dessert that the girls knew how to make. They're called pumpkin rolls, and we helped make some (starting at what must have been 1 o'clock in the morning). While they were baking we decided to watch "A Beautiful Mind" which is when I fell asleep on their floor and didn't really wake up till the movie was almost over. It was a funny realization once the movie had ended that THEY in fact drove us instead of us driving ourselves... so they were gracious enough to drive us back to our house at four in the morning. It was good fun and I really enjoy their company. They remind me of what it's like to have good clean adventurous fun, which I now realize that I've been missing out on for a while.

When we got to the house it was destroyed. There were beer bottles everywhere, and the house smelled of stale perfume, flat beer, and a little bit of vomit. The sight reminded me of why I'm not completely down with the whole party scene.

I slept

I woke up

Matt and I headed to RCA B to record "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey. Matt was playing drums and I was singing. It was a hard song to sing because it's freakishly high in pitch. During this one part, I kept messing up and messing up because my voice kept squeeking on the high screams, well... there are these tour groups that run through RCA all day, and they get to watch us record. While I was messing up, the tour group stopped and listened and was anxiously waiting for me to pull it out. Well, finaly I did. I got this perfect rock screem out onto tape and everyone in the control room started jumping up and down and the tour group started taking pictures of me. It was really funny. Viking took me back to the house before the session was over though... cuz I had to go to work.

I went to work

It wasn't very busy today. In fact, it was rediculously slow. But to top off everything, we had an incident today in which the police had to get involved. A drunk woman came down and started threatening us and yelling explatives at us because one of the guys wouldn't give her her car keys because she was so staggering drunk. Funny think is, I'm not exactly sure what company policy on that is. He was noble enough to lay the smack down to company policy though and do what any decent human would do which is keep a crazy drunk like that off of the street. Well... again, she didn't appreciate that too much so she was taking our names, inserting random explatives in the middle of her sentences, and staggering around. It was really quite sad. I wonder if she will even remember anything when she wakes up. Any way you look at it, she's going to feel pretty crappy in the morning.

I came home

I decided that I wanted some time to sit and think about my future and my past. This is a new and interesting time in my life and I want to make sure that I cherish it. Nothing does me quite better than sitting outside infront of a fire too. No one wanted to join me because sleep made a higher priority to them, but as for me, I went to it. It was a bit challenging because all of the wood was wet and there was a puddle in the pit itself, but if you can get a steady flame up, you'll eventually be able to dry out any amount of moisture, which is what I did. I love staring at fire. I could do it all day if I were allowed. It's so beautiful to me. A very interesting and enchanting element. It is soft looking in texture and in light. It is very unpredictable, beautiful, and warm.

I sleep.

Peace and love.

The First Cold

While the day was busy trying to stress me out, I was elsewhere in my mind. I feel optomistic right now and ready for upcoming challenge. Speaking of which, there seems to be plenty on the horizon, but again, I feel too concerned with higher goals right now than the menial ones at hand... I'll still get the little ones done, but I'm not overly thrilled about it.

This train of thought can become dangerous thought. I speak as a person who has very progressive thought habits. I always want to know what's going to happen next, but it is healthy to consider that while progressive thinking can be very beneficial, there is a point of moderation and a point of abuse. Here, for instance, because of my current overly progressive thinking, I no longer posses failure as a motivator to get things done. These failures, as they used to seem rather large, now seem small. I'm tired of being spoon fed my education. I want to educate myself on the things I want to know. Isn't that the point of edcuation anyways? That's the message a large majority of students receives anyways. You are educated so you can learn how to educate yourself. Come to think of it, that's really all employers care about too. Can this guy learn the ropes of the job or can't he?

There's still so much for this year to hold thought. That's for sure. I don't REALLY know where I'm going when I graduate. I'm looking for signs where ever I go that might point me in any specific direction, and thus far, most of them are pointing to Raleigh NC. There is really one, maybe two things, that could keep me in Nashville for any prolonged period of time, and as I would prefer to keep those as personal subjects, I can reveal this much. Each day that passes compiles more and more doubt in me that my roots belong here.

So let me surface in intellectual conversation before I go to bed to say these few words. It is really cold outside. It would be convenient to have a stronger arsonal of warmer cloths, but for the time being, at least I have my space heater and a few warm coats. I should be greatful. Space heaters are great, by the way. Mine is especially nice when, right before I go to sleep, I throw my blanket over it and get underneath and bake fore a few minutes. Mmmm... That sounds nice. I think I might just do that now. Peace and love.

The Past Couple of Days

It's not that I've been too busy to write. I just haven't gotten around to it for one reason or another. There's lots to say though. I mean this weekend alone proved interesting enough. I'll start with Friday night when Viking and I stayed home and did absolutely nothing, but that's fine because we haven't done absolutely nothing together in quite some time. I later found myself wrestling with difficult thoughts, but through that adversity I now feel more at ease about the way things are and the way things will potentially be.

Saturday was an early morning, but I dealt much better with the situation than I initially thought. I haven't worked first shift since summer so I was afraid my body would have been rather unaccustomed to being fully active at 7am, but with the assistance of a few prayers and a cup full of cafeen, I managed to work just fine. We ended up making quite a bit of cash that day so I went home feeling pretty good. After that, I really didn't do much again. I mean, being around the house isn't bad, but I sorta felt antsy. I don't have much social connection right now either because I'm rationing my cell phone due to the fact that I lost my cell charger. I went and bought a car charger only to realize that I don't drive that much... Whatever.

Sunday morning I woke up to a strange and sorrowful sound. A mouse was shreiking in the kitchen and it was as I suspected. The baby mouse I saw a few nights ago had gotten stuck in a spider trap next to the counter. It was completely trapped. So I worked for about 15 minutes trying to get it free and eventually plopped it into a Claussen's Pickle jar. I cleverly named it baby claussen for reasons I shant reveal.

Later Sunday, I bought a fire pit, and for the past two nights we have been enjoying roaring fires out in the yard. I love it. I don't know what it is about fire that mezmorizes me so much, but it does. I also enjoy chopping wood. I chopped a fallen tree into bits Sunday afternoon and when I was done I felt so incredibly subdued as if all of my inner agression just melted away with each swing of the ax.

So maybe I'm an ax murderer on the inside... but no... I didn't kill Baby Claussen in a most grueling manner as I did to two baby mice my freshman year, so I must be reformed at heart. But speaking of Claussen, I let him go tonight. I felt bad about keeping him in such confined spaces. He was released in the yard, but if he comes back inside, I will probably kill him as I plan on doing to the rest of his family that still craps all over our stove.

Dreams. I had another dream today. It was a repeat of one that I had last year. I'm not going to talk much about it... maybe if you ask me on a personal basis, but I gotta say... Whenever I have this dream my entire day is brightened. I just get full of joy and nothing can get me down. The dream is so real too. I actually stopped in the middle of it today and asked myself if I was dreaming and then I finally convinced myself that I wasn't... but then I woke up.

Other than that, I feel pretty inspired. I've had a lot of staggering thoughts lately, but I feel more comfortable not sharing them on an internet intermediary. Hope all is well where you are. Peace and love.

Triviality

I was listening to a sermon by John Piper the other day and he mentioned that one of the greatest problems with American spirituallity today is that we have lost all "intellectual and emotional connection to awe-inspiring soul-staggaring grandor. Instead, we are drowning in a sea of triviality..." because we have become so obsessed with self gratification and "now" mentality. We become satisfied with low buzzes like power and sex and we can't even immagine that there might be something better out there. This is all we know.

I thought about that for a while and it seems so real. So much of our lives, even within the church, is trivial and comfortable. TV, music, education, Christian books (a good many of them) are all just "fluff" as my friend Clayton puts it. It seems to me, now and probably because I have been awakened to it, that I sink so fast as soon as I partake in triviality. I loose motivation and passion to be in that higher place. It is very much like drowning, but also there lies the danger of being drowned by those around you. As a lifeguard it is of utmost importance to learn how to rescue someone who is drowning without being taken down with them. That's the way drowning people behave. Even someone who might love you dearly in a rational situation will step on you in a paniced state. We do that a lot to eachother don't we? We judge the ones who's sights might be higher than our own. A popular phrase is "I liked him/her better when..." It makes us uncomfortable when someone reaches higher understanding and conduct. It's almost as if it makes our flaws even more visible. We lash out or retract or possibly just loose interest. Afterall, according to most philosophers, a trivial mind finds most things of higher substance to be boring.

But right now I'm reading through Romans again and with that I am looking over John Piper's sermons and getting more ideas and projections as to what exactly Paul was talking about in such a powerful book. It's challenging, but good.

I should be working on calculus right now, but as I said before, I no longer really care about my grades (as sad as that sounds). My care is only on graduation and the life that waits beyond. I'm really excited about it and if I had it my way I would already be there, but alas, I am bound in a world governed by time and gravity, so not only must I work in succession, but I must keep my feet on the ground while doing it.

(Oh, I got my hair cut today.)

Well, despite the many thoughts that are still churning around in my head, I must get some work done before I go to bed. Peace and love.

Cold Rain

I'm back in Nashville now. It was a much needed time away and didn't last quite as long as I would have hoped. There's just never enought time, it seems, to get done all the things you wish you complete.

Last night, soon after I got back, we all went to Walmart to do a bit of winter shopping. I bought my space heater and some food and toiletries (being that I left my soap and shampoo in North Carolina). My ailments have been declining at least to the extent that I was able to get a good night sleep last night. Morning, however, was still off balance. When I woke up I was met with the worst nose bleed of my life. I bled pretty hard for about 45 minutes. I'm hoping that I can restock all of the lost blood because I have a doctor's appointment today which will require a huge blood draw and then work right after that. I'm in the proactive bracket today though. I didn't quite make it to my frist class because of my shower of blood this morning, but during that time of recovery I drove Viking to work, sent in my ticket to request a court date, took my pants to the taylor to get them hemmed before work today, and I picked up my check from Belmont and put it in the bank. I'm finally on top after a good while of being under. The trick is staying on top. If I drop back at all in the next five weeks, I'll never recover.

I'm really hoping I don't pass out at work today because of lack of blood. I say that, but honestly half of me thinks it would be kinda fun. I mean I wouldn't get in trouble because my boss sorta guilt-tripped me into doing it, but maybe, for once, they'd put me in one of those nice hotel beds and let me take a nap... or maybe they'd call an ambulance and make me go to the hospital... I'd better tell them in advance that I don't want any ambulances if I should black out.

But being home and sleeping in real beds got me to thinkin. I should probably put my matress on the floor because, as of now, I sleep on a tilt. I think that could be the reason why I had so much back pain while I was home. I just have to figure out where I'll put the frame when I take it apart.

Oh... and I don't know if I mentioned it in the previous journal, but Grace will be having a baby boy. His name will be Josiah Samuel Thompson (I think I spelled that right). I've already decided that I'm going to be the edgy/fun uncle that buys him a pocket knife before he's old enough.

Arg... my nose is running. I need a tissue. I'd also like to give a shout-out to cell phones. Thanks to you, the library is no longer a quiet place in which to concentrate. Peace and love.

Carolina de Norte

The break has been good thus far. I merely hoped to have a relaxed time with my family and friends along with some future contemplation on the side, both which I have gotten. Turns out I'm really allergic to Casey, my dog. A few minutes after walking into my house my sinuses swelled up and my throat. I still haven't recovered, but I love my dog, so whatever, I'll have a headache for a few days I guess.

Let's see... where to begin? Thursday I ended up having lunch with the pastor of the church I grew up in. Bill and I talked a lot about seminary options and where my spiritual life currently resides. Later I went over to the Hengevelds and caught up with them again which is always nice. After that I went home and ate dinner with my folks. I've been eating a lot of real food lately which, oddly enough, has been doing a number on my stomach. That makes me feel bad. I really had THAT much crap to eat in school to where my stomach would question healthy good food? Wow! Later that night Karl and I went over to Jordan's house and sat out by the fire. I love that. It's such a carefree pass-time. We spent some time catching up though and... well... chalk one more of my friends up to "getting married." Jordan... be strong.

Today I drove down to Fuquay-Varina to visit my sister and brother-in-law Grace and Josh.
That's me in front of their computer typing tonight... Just thought I'd jot it down in my photo history... Anyways,
Grace is pregnant but doesn't look it, and Josh seems to be enjoying his new job. Grace and I spent most of the day wandering around the campus of Southeastern Seminary. I'm eyeing it over as a possibility after graduation, so I figured while I'm here I might as well get a feel for the campus environment. It seems really nice. We then went to World Market and looked around for a while. I wish Nashville had one of those. I could have bought the whole store it was so amazing. They had all sorts of foreign instruments and decoration. After that we met up with Josh and some of their friends from their old church and had dinner followed by a movie. It was called "Facing Giants" and it was a Christian film. It was a bit hokey in my opinion, but it had a good message. For someone like me, though, it's really hard to get past production quality. I've been in such a snobby production environment for so long, it has sort of become a part of me.

So tomorrow I head back to High Point. I don't really know what's in store when I get home, but that's the way I like it. I sorta wish break was going to last longer just because I know I won't be ready to go back to Nashville on Sunday, but that's the way the cards deal. Peace and love.

Finishing Touches

This has been the hardest midterm of the semester by far for me. Between work and class, I have had very little time to relax, but that is about to change. I'm in the library computer lab right now finishing off my art paper. As soon as I give the presentation and hand it in, I'll feel a lot better. I still have a marketing test tomorrow, but I'm not worried. I'm going to be too preoccupied by fall break to really care what I make on it.

Last night I served as shift manager for the first time at the hotel. I guess you could say I was promoted, but it wasn't too bad. Of course, nothing really happened that required intense problem solving skills, but some guys did buy me dinner from P.F. Changs which is great because now that I ration my food, I'll have two meals out of that easy.

I've got to find a phone charger today because I left mine in the recording truck on Saturday. It isn't left on campus either. It is kept about an hour away in a town called Shelbyville.

My right index finger hurts pretty bad right now. I was setting a mousetrap last night to catch that son-of-a-b!7@h mouse that keeps eating all of our food and crapping on our stove. Well... while I was setting the trap it went off on my finger... so that's the story.

So I guess I overestimated how much time it would take me to get this project done this morning. I did stay up pretty late last night working on it, but I just wanted to be safe. Now I have to find a way to kill time. I can't stay here for long because some lady just threw a "Reserved For Class" sign down in front of my computer while I was working. So I guess that means I can't write for much longer.

Here's a list of things I could do:
*get a biscuit and eat it
*watch a movie on my ipod (too Belmont)
*rebel against the sign and stay right here
*walk around campus aimlessly
*key into pembroke's front desk and sleep on the couch

This list is meant to display that I no longer know what to do with free time. Ahh the effects of school. I'm out. Peace and love.

Coffee in the Pot

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. It's midterms time and I'm still alive 1/4th of the way through my last year of school ever. I must confess that it took a bit of what some would consider "irresponsibility" in order for me to be placed in such a proactive mood. I skipped a few classes yesterday and today (not the same ones multiple times, but each one once) so that I could get my head into the right place. Why am I so worried about class? I know I try my hardest in any given situation, and I'm not going to let this bring me down in the midst of such important times.

"Relax" is the word of the day. I'm trying to relax and stop worrying about things that either a: I have no control over, or b: things that don't really hold much weight in the outcome of my life.

The really hard things for me to deal with are the situations where people have to deal with my scew-ups. I do worry about that a lot, but there's nothing I can really do about the past. I have to accept it and then I have to try and avoid making the same mistakes twice.

So tonight I went to the grocery store with Viking and picked up some bread, peanut butter, jelly, eggs, and some coffee stuffs. That's right. I'm going to give coffee a try in the mornings, see how it suits me (I hate mornings).

When we got back I peeled out the old moldy coffee grinds that were left in the maker for who KNOWS how long ago. I then ran some viniger through and then two cycles of water to clean it out. After that, the brewing commenced. I drank two cups tonight so that I could keep focused and awake (the awake part is working but as for the focused... well...). Physics is done and I'll be going to sleep early after I study a little bit more calculus. I have a test tomorrow, but I'm staying "relaxed" and I'll do the best I can. I feel good though. I'm already doing better than I did before in that class (for those of you who don't know... yes... I'm taking it twice because I wussed out and dropped it last year ((maybe not the best of ideas)).

So... I'll be pretty busy for the next few days. Tests and work tomorrow and then showcase the following day. I do live sound recording in a truck using a Soundcraft DC2020 mixing console and a bunch of other outboard gear including some API and GML mic pre's and a Voxbox and Cranesong compressor. The inside almost looks like this... except without the nice hardwood finish and black lining... and the two late-middle aged men. Replace them with five college students and that's about where it is.


Well, it's back to studying for me. Peace and love.

Stretched

I haven't written (for fun) in quite a while. Given the recent happenings, I don't really blame myself. I mean, honestly, I shouldn't even by writing right now. I should be studying or doing some sort of homework, but I'm hitting senioritis pretty hard. My passions do not lie in the mundane work handed down to me by my professors. Those assignments sit between the cover of books leering at me as if, in their vast number, they know that I can't possibly complete them all. It can become aggrivating real quick because you suddenly realize that there's not really much at all in your life that you feel passionate about. That's not to say that there's nothing positive in my life, but my existance is so task oriented right now that such feelings tend to permiate off of my focuses and affect the positive things too. I hate that. I have become my own enemy. It's completely possible to be joyful in my situation were it not for my stubborn desire for control. I want so badly to be considered responsible, but I carry too much weight for my means. And then, with every negative stroke that comes my way, I take it head on, keeping tabs and holding it up as to say "life is not fair." It's like that time when I tried to bunk that bed in the dorms at the beginning of last year with no one else's help. I felt that if I could just pull that off It would somehow make me better. When the other guys walked in and saw me trying as hard as I could to win, I suddenly realized how stupid I looked.

Of course, I've never been okay with failure. I don't know how I developed that characteristic, but I know I have to let it go. Ha, that's like trying to learn how to let go of your arm from your shoulder. And from that so many people tell me that I should just give it to God as if such an action were easy and should have already been done. But giving up is still an action, and one that I'm not very good at. I don't know what that image looks like or entails. Sometimes giving something up to God is an awful lot like cutting off a piece of your body. I mean I would rather have it taken from me in some sort of unexpected waterskiing accident than having someone hand me a knife and say "well... go to it." And with every saw-like motion and slicing sound you wince, and the blood keeps on flowing. Once it's done you still hurt and it gets wrapped up. Then as time progresses you sometimes feel like it's still there, but it isn't. And after that comes the part where you have to spend days, weeks, and years trying to learn how to live without it.

So I guess sometimes I guess if you were to acquire something and hold it to your chest, then someone could come up to you and simply say "shhh... just lower your hands, uncurl your fingers, and let gravity do the rest." But when you are born with something it's a lot harder to hear "shhh... just take that saw and cut it off and everything will be fine." It's hard because you know that your entire life will be readjusted and the pain, though at one point will be subsided, will none the less last a good bit of time. Have I gotten you too lost in this metaphore, or are you still hanging with me?

If we were pure, sinless, and unfallen, I immagine life's decisions and values wouldn't be very difficult, but sin nature (even forgiven sin nature) tends to complicate even the simplest of matters.

I really need to go to bed.

Peace and love.

Red Eye of Prophecy

Weird sounding, huh? I know, but that's what I drempt about last night... well, one of two things. First dream was about this prophetess that I was supposed to visit. The only trick was getting to her.

She lived at the bottomo of this revene with a depth that could not be determined because of a fog that prevented you from seeing the ground. The hard part was that you had to jump in order to get to it. If you fell you would never find her. Your mind had to be completely made up and confident. So I eventually jumped and floated to the bottom where it seemed as if I were in a new world. There was a house with a porch decorated with flower pots and hanging ferns. It didn't seem mystical at all, just a regular neighborhood with an average old lady sitting on the front porch watching for something. I approached her and hesitantly told her who I was looking for because... well, she didn't exactly meet my mental image of a prophetess (but I'm the one who makes ignorant stereotypes). She then told me that it was she that I was looking for and then preceded to tell me that she had three eyes. She pointed the first two obvious ones out and then asked me where I thought the third one was as she turned in a circle, parting through her hair as to keep me guessing. I had no idea, so she pointed over to one of her flower pots. She told me it was in there (what a weird place to keep an eye, I thought) so I went over and looked in. There it was, an eye in a flower pot looking about as weird as you could immagine. It looked straight back at me and then it began to turn red. She said I would see something spectacular in there about my purpose, so I looked intently. All of the sudden it was like I had an out of body experience. I just saw flash after flash and image after image, but sitting her thinking about it, I don't recall anything about them. The dream ended there.

My next dream involved a series of dark tunnels deep under the city of Nashville. There was a group of us who thought it would be fun to go there and navigate through them. Evidently it had been known that people got lost in those many miles of pitch black tunnels and for some reason that did not deter any of us from wanting to go. The enterance (sensing a theme here) was inside an ordinary looking house in the basement. There was a fee of $3 a head which we gladly payed and then we went on our way. Now supposidly there were clues scattered all throughout the tunnels telling you how to get to certain areas. We found a few of them, but couldn't read any of them. Oh, did I mention that we had small little dragons that flew with us? Yeah, weird part number 2. So we pressed onward and every once-in-a-while we would surface at a fork in the road in these weird looking third-world shop venues. It was here where you could decide whether or not you wished to progress or turn around and go home. All I remember is going back down before I woke up.

Waking up was the weirdest part. Referring back to the first dream, I have a set up on my computer to wake me up with a random song off of my computer on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. When I say random song, I should probably tell you that I have exactly 1906 songs on my computer to select from. The one that played red these lyrics.

"her eyes were green like july except when she cried, they were red, red"

That got my attention. I flew out of bed, shut off the song and hit the showers.

The rest of the day was pretty ordinary. I did my class thing and came home. When I did get home I devoted some time to cleaning up the house and the yard. We also opened up the doors and let the cool fall breeze blow through. During that time, to people approached the house and I spent a good amount of time talking to them about whatever. Interesting.

Finally, the night ended with another RUSH event with the fraternity. It has been a really great time thus far and we only have one event left.

I guess this is the part where I sign off and go to sleep. I've still got lots on my mind, but I just don't feel like writing anymore. Peace and love.

Oh NO! It's Happening

The drugs are kicking in, and by "drugs" I mean the pressure of school. I can feel it pressing down. I keep on moving though, it's just that I feel a bit more vulnerable than usual. It started with math class (who woulda known) and ended up getting louder and louder throughout the remainder of the day. I feel drained right now, that's for sure.

I got really flustered today at work when a guest came and parked in our reserved spaces. I politely told him that he was in a reserved spot, but if he would like to valet we could easily arrange that for him. He looked at me and said "There's no sign." I assured him that despite that one spot having no sign, all of the others on that floor did and that for future reference, he should abstain from parking in the reserved lot.

"There's no sign, so I'm leaving my car there!"
"Well sir, I'll make sure to have a sign posted for you right away... (waited for him to walk into the hotel and saying under my breath) if it will help you sleep at night."

then he comes back out...

"What's your name?!"
"Nathan"
"Your full name!"
"Nathan Crandell, that's C-r-a-n-d-e-l-l" (he had his cell phone out as if he were texting it to the mob to have me "hit") So I sumersaulted over to him, rolled behind him with stealth-like speed and put him in a sleeper-hold until he passed out. Then I drug him to the street, layed him out on the sidewalk with an empty bottle of beer that was in our trash, and the police came and picked him up. You should have seen the confusion on his face when he gained consciousness in the back of the squad car. Then I got a raise... ... Not really, but the thought did cross my mind as I supressed my anger and continued doing what it is I get paid for.

Normally I wouldn't feel bad about doing my job. That guy was clearly breaking our facilities laws and being unreasonable with my polite offer. Granted, the under the breath remark was a bit off sides, but he didn't hear it. I know he didn't because the two guys standing right next to me didn't hear it either. So anyways I went and found a sign and put it up right in front of where he was parked and when he came out I told him that there was no penalty to him but a sign was posted. He stormed off, knocked the sign down, and drove off. It really got me hot under the coller. I felt misunderstood and I hate feeling misunderstood. I try to practice a means of customer service based on the theory that people can be difused or encouraged by your attitude. I was very curtious towards him initially and even more than he deserved afterwards, but he just wanted to be mad. I don't understand people like that, and that makes me mad.

At the recital tonight everything went really well. We all played our pieces and it was good fun. I did this special number that was tradition with our fraternity. Chris Cropsey used to sing a song called "Dead Puppies Aren't Much Fun", but he graduated a while back so I wanted to play it in his legacy. I did and the kicker was that I got the girls from the audience to come up and sit next to me as if I was going to serenade them. Then I kicked into "Dead Puppies" and everyone, including the girls, were laughing. But this one guy in the audience who was one of my residents last year seemed so offended that he got up and left. We then did a real serenade for the girls and then moved on with the recital. I didn't know that he left until afterwards when one of my friends pointed it out to me. Was there any offensive material in that song? Not to me or anyone I knew (I thought). It merely states the obvious in a very classical sort of way.

Dead puppies aren't much fun
They don't come
When you call
They don't chase
Squirrels at all
Dead puppies aren't much fun

I don't know. It just saddened me that he left, but anyways, moving on. Oh yeah, and one more thing happened, but I don't want to talk about it. I'll leave it to the ones who were there to figure it out.

Now I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do to get the work I have set before me done this week. I don't have any motivation right now, so it's just up to programed auto-pilot mindlessness to kick in. I hate feeling like this.

Also, Stuffy left for England today. We're all sad because he'll be gone for a while, but he'll have fun I'm sure. I'm even envious. I want to go to Europe but I just don't have the means for now, maybe for a while.

I'm gunna relax now. Peace and love.

It Came and Went

What happened to this weekend? I don't know. I can tell you that the downtime was almost non-existant. I must say though, it was different, that's for sure. Friday was a beautiful day. The air was perfect and the sun was shining so I felt confined to be stuck in a building for any prolonged duration of time. That's why I left early. It was for the best too. Matt and I ended up going on a most excellent adventure in the name of high quality sound. We drove thirty miles out into the country to this river I found two years ago. This place is so picturesqu it's almost unbelievable. I can't even begin to describe it just to say that we waded down the shallow water to a distant place and set up our audio equipment and captured the most awesome water/nature sounds I could have hoped for that day. We then, instead of going home, decided to drive and get lost. We ended up on the Natchez Trace Parkway and found the world-famous Natchez Trace Bridge. All the while I was thinking how nice it was to get away from the city. It was absolutely beautiful. And for those few moments out on that river and staring over the edge of that high bridge, I felt free from society. I felt a peace that only the beauty of nature can sing. I honestly could have spent the rest of the day there, but I am bound to my obligations, so I had to return.

Saturday was an interesting day. Stuffy, Weeman, Terra, and I went to Australia Fest at Centennial Park. They had all sorts of interesting events going on like Australian Football, Cricket, Girl's Rugby, an Aborigonee crafting Digery Doos, and Sheep hearding. Speaking of sheep hearding, they gave me an opportunity to try and heard some sheep and It's pretty hard. But the digery-doo performance later in the day was amazing. I just wanted to get lost in the sound of it. So through all of that excitement I went to the Australia Embassy booth to see if they could use my job skills. That's what they were advertising, "Australia Needs Skills". I was, however, soarly disappointed to find that not even Australia needs sound people. What will I do when I graduate? Nobody wants me!

Sunday was a rough day starting but a fine day to finish. Matt and I went to church to help set up for sound and the guy who volunteered this week was a complete jerk. Even Matt had his patience tested by this guy, which is a bit harder than testing my patience. I wanted to just leave, but Matt talked me into staying and for good reason. Later we discovered that the BGV singers didn't show up like they were supposed to, so I told the worship director that I could sing and so he tested me out by giving me a part and I did it to his approval. So he let me sing for the service and it was great. I haven't felt needed in church for a long time. I've just felt so alienated like nothing I have is useful to anyone. I'm musical and I live in Nashville. Do you see the problem with that? Everyone here is musical. It's like being a dollar in a stack of one million dollars. I realize again that I can't stay here when I graduate and that I've only come for a short duration of time, in fact, I hope to get out of here for a short while very soon so that I can be reminded as to what it's like to be musical in a place in need of music.

Finally, tonight I was at the studio working with one of my fraternity brothers, helping him get a demo recorded for some sort of project he has. He's already graduated so it was almost like a professional gig, which had me excited. I still admit to not knowing near what I feel like I should though. Maybe I just wasn't patient enough to think it through tonight. Anyways, I need to get some sleep. Peace and love.

Murder Without Death

I was talking to a friend I haven't talked to in a long time last night. I told him about all of the pains I have been through since we last met and about all of the bridges I have burned. I do that so much... burn bridges that is. I don't know why. He told me that people are all the time telling you that you shouldn't burn your bridges, but to him, it is more important to be who you are than to conform to what other people say you should do or be. Sometimes I feel like who I am is nothing more than a reckless monger holding a pack of matches in his left hand and a gas tank in his right. Burning bridges is what I do. But I was thinking about it in relationship to murder today. When I have wronged someone so horribly as to where they never want to see me ever again, it's almost as if I have killed them in a fit of pride. I will never see them again, and if I were to, it wouldn't be them, but an awkward and defensive form that has every right to exist.

Why do I burn bridges?

I think some of it has to do with pride and the other half deals mainly with fear. Burning a bridge, for me, is like pulling up a drawbridge... permanently. It keeps "them" or "it" out of my city walls. I do it with ease too. Without a simple thought I do it because it feels safe. Once the bridge is burned, I don't even stop there. I then go thumping my chest to all of my friends, telling them in a very engaging manner how glorious the flames were as I victoriously put the situation in its place. But at night, often times in my dreams, the truth eventually comes out. I'm afraid of the pain that would ensue if I were to keep those bridges alive. "They" or "it" would have the power to hurt me. I would have no control.

So time passes and I become sorry. I no longer feel it to have been a worthwhile action to take because I end up lonely and more often than not, the subject goes on unaffected or the person, without care. Simply put, I lose, and even if they were to forgive me, it would be unlikely for me to forgive myself.

You would think an understanding of self such as this would curb my habits and bring me towards a better place, but it doesn't. No matter what I do, burning bridges always seems to be the easiest and most painless way out, and so I continue to do so. Hah, not to condone my actions or anything, but maybe the answer would be someone who cared enough to swim across the bridgeless gap and smack me in the face. Whatever. I'm going to stop writing now. I've far passed the line of ridiculousness. I'm going to bed. Peace and love.

Stung

I woke up from another vivid dream yesterday morning. I was in a horrible accident. I remember flying through the air, having left my vehicle through the windshield. I crashed through the brush on the side of the road, ripping completely through a large limb and then it went black. When I woke up I was in a hospital, my hair was longer. I had been in a coma for two months. My back had been broken but my spinal cord not severed, my right leg and my left hip were also broken, but mending. So much had happened in those two months and I remember everyone trying to explain it all to me. It was rough.

When I woke up I loafed around the house for a while. At about lunch time we ended up riding our bikes down to McDonalds just to get out into the open air. We arrived and were looking for a place to park our bikes. Matt and Viking informed me that parking across the street, chaining our bikes to an old metal fire escape next to the church turned into a play theater. I stood under the stairs to position my bike when an insect grazed past my ear. I figured I must have startled it and went about doing what it was that I was doing when all of the sudden, a swarm of them immerged. They were wasps and they were pissed. I ran out waving and swatting, but I made eye contact with the one that got ahold of me. It stuck straight into my wrist, right into the vein. It hurt pretty bad and swelled up, but I survived. There's just a little red mark right now.

As far as classes go, I'm not quite stressed out right now. It being my senior year and all, I really am starting to focus more and more on my future. I'm not really worried about my performance in any of my classes. That's not to say that I'm slacking off or anything. I'm just not stressed out like I normally would be. This is the last of the last of my educational career. I'm excited about that. I'm also excited about being able to cope with the "real world" as I see it. I take care of the house, I hold down a job, I work on extracarricular activities, and I work through my classes. I'm staying on top of all of these things, and it is encouraging. Peace and love.

Oh Geeze

Those were pretty much the only words coming out of my mouth for the past thirty minutes as I was cleaning out the fridge. We had an entire industrial garbage bag full of rotten food. I think I might just take a shower just to feel better about myself, but I don't know.

I wasn't entirely in a good mood today. Something strong was bothering me and it effected my performance all day. I've been more tired lately, that's for sure, more tired and more hungry. I always complain about being tired though. I need to stop that. I could always be more tired than right now.

Budgeting is a big part of my life these days, this month especially. Rent has been higher because of Stuffy leaving for England. We won't have a new roommate until next month. Also, I have dues to pay this month along with groceries. I'm greatful because I have people supporting me. This could be a great deal more difficult than it is, and I'm not trying to come across as if I'm complaining or anything. I wanted this year to be like this because I wanted a new opportunity to grow. I'm glad for that.

I've got to work on physics and math tonight. I'm not to thrilled about that. Matt and I generally work on physics together, but he's working on his car right now with Chubbs, and it's taking a little bit longer than usual.

I'm trying to get back in the gym more too. There's so much on my mind that I just can't process by sitting around or even reading. I need to do something physically exhausting. The gym helps out in that department. I want to swim, but I'll just wait until after I graduate to join some sort of health complex. I just can't juggle that right now.

More and more of my mind seems to wander towards my future this year as well. Some of my desires fell through recently so I have nothing pointing me in any direction. That being the case, maybe I could do something a little unpredictable and exciting when I graduate. I'm pretty serious about taking a stroll through Europe. I even had a dream last night about buying a motorcycle so I could go cross-continent with a better feeling of freedom.

It feels almost like that longing sensation I had when I was a senior in high school. I want to go somewhere where I can get lost again.

So I think for the longest time I've wondered who I was. Those questions don't seem as loud anymore because I know these few important things:

a.) You are who you are when you accept your flaws and stop trying to fit in someone else's mold.
b.) Men and women (as bitter as we, of this generation, are towards eachother) are almost exactly alike. We just speak different languages.
c.) Rejection is always a risk and it always hurts. I wish I could say "Get used to it." but you never will.
d.) You can do anything you put your mind to except control the will of another individual. Love is given, not taken. I believe God set these laws in motion to teach us more of who He is.

Now all I want to know is what I'll do when this stage is over.

Peace and love.

Labor Day

Tonight we had a party, and it was fun.

Europe Would Be Nice

I'm writing right now because I'm feeling very impatient, not just for a specific need, but all the way around. Maybe I'm still pumped up from playing ultimate frisbee. We've started playing on Sunday nights with a group of people that meet out on this soccer field close to our house. They're all older than college age which makes it nice. I like mingling with people outside of my demographic every once-in-a-while, plus they're not over-competative. We all just want to have fun, but we're all still pretty good at the same time.

Somehow I don't think high activity is the reason for my impatience though. I've felt like this all day, which is why I cleaned the house and why I mowed the lawn. I feel caged I guess. I'm HERE doing THIS and that is the only acceptable place for me. I want to travel and go places I've never seen before. I want to experience. I've just got to keep in mind that I need to take one step at a time. I have to finish what I'm here for first. I was thinking that it would be nice to get lost in Europe for a few months after I graduate. Maybe while I was there I could rent a Vespa and ride all around, hang out in Venice, tour the Swiss Alps, visit my home-land of Scotland. Most of my friends have studied abroad, but it just wasn't in my means to do. Anyways, I'd rather just go without obligation.

Who knows what will happen. I'm going to go swimming for a little while and then take it easy for the rest of the evening. I, unfortunately, have work bright and early in the morning. Peace and love.