Coffee in the Pot

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. It's midterms time and I'm still alive 1/4th of the way through my last year of school ever. I must confess that it took a bit of what some would consider "irresponsibility" in order for me to be placed in such a proactive mood. I skipped a few classes yesterday and today (not the same ones multiple times, but each one once) so that I could get my head into the right place. Why am I so worried about class? I know I try my hardest in any given situation, and I'm not going to let this bring me down in the midst of such important times.

"Relax" is the word of the day. I'm trying to relax and stop worrying about things that either a: I have no control over, or b: things that don't really hold much weight in the outcome of my life.

The really hard things for me to deal with are the situations where people have to deal with my scew-ups. I do worry about that a lot, but there's nothing I can really do about the past. I have to accept it and then I have to try and avoid making the same mistakes twice.

So tonight I went to the grocery store with Viking and picked up some bread, peanut butter, jelly, eggs, and some coffee stuffs. That's right. I'm going to give coffee a try in the mornings, see how it suits me (I hate mornings).

When we got back I peeled out the old moldy coffee grinds that were left in the maker for who KNOWS how long ago. I then ran some viniger through and then two cycles of water to clean it out. After that, the brewing commenced. I drank two cups tonight so that I could keep focused and awake (the awake part is working but as for the focused... well...). Physics is done and I'll be going to sleep early after I study a little bit more calculus. I have a test tomorrow, but I'm staying "relaxed" and I'll do the best I can. I feel good though. I'm already doing better than I did before in that class (for those of you who don't know... yes... I'm taking it twice because I wussed out and dropped it last year ((maybe not the best of ideas)).

So... I'll be pretty busy for the next few days. Tests and work tomorrow and then showcase the following day. I do live sound recording in a truck using a Soundcraft DC2020 mixing console and a bunch of other outboard gear including some API and GML mic pre's and a Voxbox and Cranesong compressor. The inside almost looks like this... except without the nice hardwood finish and black lining... and the two late-middle aged men. Replace them with five college students and that's about where it is.


Well, it's back to studying for me. Peace and love.

Stretched

I haven't written (for fun) in quite a while. Given the recent happenings, I don't really blame myself. I mean, honestly, I shouldn't even by writing right now. I should be studying or doing some sort of homework, but I'm hitting senioritis pretty hard. My passions do not lie in the mundane work handed down to me by my professors. Those assignments sit between the cover of books leering at me as if, in their vast number, they know that I can't possibly complete them all. It can become aggrivating real quick because you suddenly realize that there's not really much at all in your life that you feel passionate about. That's not to say that there's nothing positive in my life, but my existance is so task oriented right now that such feelings tend to permiate off of my focuses and affect the positive things too. I hate that. I have become my own enemy. It's completely possible to be joyful in my situation were it not for my stubborn desire for control. I want so badly to be considered responsible, but I carry too much weight for my means. And then, with every negative stroke that comes my way, I take it head on, keeping tabs and holding it up as to say "life is not fair." It's like that time when I tried to bunk that bed in the dorms at the beginning of last year with no one else's help. I felt that if I could just pull that off It would somehow make me better. When the other guys walked in and saw me trying as hard as I could to win, I suddenly realized how stupid I looked.

Of course, I've never been okay with failure. I don't know how I developed that characteristic, but I know I have to let it go. Ha, that's like trying to learn how to let go of your arm from your shoulder. And from that so many people tell me that I should just give it to God as if such an action were easy and should have already been done. But giving up is still an action, and one that I'm not very good at. I don't know what that image looks like or entails. Sometimes giving something up to God is an awful lot like cutting off a piece of your body. I mean I would rather have it taken from me in some sort of unexpected waterskiing accident than having someone hand me a knife and say "well... go to it." And with every saw-like motion and slicing sound you wince, and the blood keeps on flowing. Once it's done you still hurt and it gets wrapped up. Then as time progresses you sometimes feel like it's still there, but it isn't. And after that comes the part where you have to spend days, weeks, and years trying to learn how to live without it.

So I guess sometimes I guess if you were to acquire something and hold it to your chest, then someone could come up to you and simply say "shhh... just lower your hands, uncurl your fingers, and let gravity do the rest." But when you are born with something it's a lot harder to hear "shhh... just take that saw and cut it off and everything will be fine." It's hard because you know that your entire life will be readjusted and the pain, though at one point will be subsided, will none the less last a good bit of time. Have I gotten you too lost in this metaphore, or are you still hanging with me?

If we were pure, sinless, and unfallen, I immagine life's decisions and values wouldn't be very difficult, but sin nature (even forgiven sin nature) tends to complicate even the simplest of matters.

I really need to go to bed.

Peace and love.

Red Eye of Prophecy

Weird sounding, huh? I know, but that's what I drempt about last night... well, one of two things. First dream was about this prophetess that I was supposed to visit. The only trick was getting to her.

She lived at the bottomo of this revene with a depth that could not be determined because of a fog that prevented you from seeing the ground. The hard part was that you had to jump in order to get to it. If you fell you would never find her. Your mind had to be completely made up and confident. So I eventually jumped and floated to the bottom where it seemed as if I were in a new world. There was a house with a porch decorated with flower pots and hanging ferns. It didn't seem mystical at all, just a regular neighborhood with an average old lady sitting on the front porch watching for something. I approached her and hesitantly told her who I was looking for because... well, she didn't exactly meet my mental image of a prophetess (but I'm the one who makes ignorant stereotypes). She then told me that it was she that I was looking for and then preceded to tell me that she had three eyes. She pointed the first two obvious ones out and then asked me where I thought the third one was as she turned in a circle, parting through her hair as to keep me guessing. I had no idea, so she pointed over to one of her flower pots. She told me it was in there (what a weird place to keep an eye, I thought) so I went over and looked in. There it was, an eye in a flower pot looking about as weird as you could immagine. It looked straight back at me and then it began to turn red. She said I would see something spectacular in there about my purpose, so I looked intently. All of the sudden it was like I had an out of body experience. I just saw flash after flash and image after image, but sitting her thinking about it, I don't recall anything about them. The dream ended there.

My next dream involved a series of dark tunnels deep under the city of Nashville. There was a group of us who thought it would be fun to go there and navigate through them. Evidently it had been known that people got lost in those many miles of pitch black tunnels and for some reason that did not deter any of us from wanting to go. The enterance (sensing a theme here) was inside an ordinary looking house in the basement. There was a fee of $3 a head which we gladly payed and then we went on our way. Now supposidly there were clues scattered all throughout the tunnels telling you how to get to certain areas. We found a few of them, but couldn't read any of them. Oh, did I mention that we had small little dragons that flew with us? Yeah, weird part number 2. So we pressed onward and every once-in-a-while we would surface at a fork in the road in these weird looking third-world shop venues. It was here where you could decide whether or not you wished to progress or turn around and go home. All I remember is going back down before I woke up.

Waking up was the weirdest part. Referring back to the first dream, I have a set up on my computer to wake me up with a random song off of my computer on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. When I say random song, I should probably tell you that I have exactly 1906 songs on my computer to select from. The one that played red these lyrics.

"her eyes were green like july except when she cried, they were red, red"

That got my attention. I flew out of bed, shut off the song and hit the showers.

The rest of the day was pretty ordinary. I did my class thing and came home. When I did get home I devoted some time to cleaning up the house and the yard. We also opened up the doors and let the cool fall breeze blow through. During that time, to people approached the house and I spent a good amount of time talking to them about whatever. Interesting.

Finally, the night ended with another RUSH event with the fraternity. It has been a really great time thus far and we only have one event left.

I guess this is the part where I sign off and go to sleep. I've still got lots on my mind, but I just don't feel like writing anymore. Peace and love.

Oh NO! It's Happening

The drugs are kicking in, and by "drugs" I mean the pressure of school. I can feel it pressing down. I keep on moving though, it's just that I feel a bit more vulnerable than usual. It started with math class (who woulda known) and ended up getting louder and louder throughout the remainder of the day. I feel drained right now, that's for sure.

I got really flustered today at work when a guest came and parked in our reserved spaces. I politely told him that he was in a reserved spot, but if he would like to valet we could easily arrange that for him. He looked at me and said "There's no sign." I assured him that despite that one spot having no sign, all of the others on that floor did and that for future reference, he should abstain from parking in the reserved lot.

"There's no sign, so I'm leaving my car there!"
"Well sir, I'll make sure to have a sign posted for you right away... (waited for him to walk into the hotel and saying under my breath) if it will help you sleep at night."

then he comes back out...

"What's your name?!"
"Nathan"
"Your full name!"
"Nathan Crandell, that's C-r-a-n-d-e-l-l" (he had his cell phone out as if he were texting it to the mob to have me "hit") So I sumersaulted over to him, rolled behind him with stealth-like speed and put him in a sleeper-hold until he passed out. Then I drug him to the street, layed him out on the sidewalk with an empty bottle of beer that was in our trash, and the police came and picked him up. You should have seen the confusion on his face when he gained consciousness in the back of the squad car. Then I got a raise... ... Not really, but the thought did cross my mind as I supressed my anger and continued doing what it is I get paid for.

Normally I wouldn't feel bad about doing my job. That guy was clearly breaking our facilities laws and being unreasonable with my polite offer. Granted, the under the breath remark was a bit off sides, but he didn't hear it. I know he didn't because the two guys standing right next to me didn't hear it either. So anyways I went and found a sign and put it up right in front of where he was parked and when he came out I told him that there was no penalty to him but a sign was posted. He stormed off, knocked the sign down, and drove off. It really got me hot under the coller. I felt misunderstood and I hate feeling misunderstood. I try to practice a means of customer service based on the theory that people can be difused or encouraged by your attitude. I was very curtious towards him initially and even more than he deserved afterwards, but he just wanted to be mad. I don't understand people like that, and that makes me mad.

At the recital tonight everything went really well. We all played our pieces and it was good fun. I did this special number that was tradition with our fraternity. Chris Cropsey used to sing a song called "Dead Puppies Aren't Much Fun", but he graduated a while back so I wanted to play it in his legacy. I did and the kicker was that I got the girls from the audience to come up and sit next to me as if I was going to serenade them. Then I kicked into "Dead Puppies" and everyone, including the girls, were laughing. But this one guy in the audience who was one of my residents last year seemed so offended that he got up and left. We then did a real serenade for the girls and then moved on with the recital. I didn't know that he left until afterwards when one of my friends pointed it out to me. Was there any offensive material in that song? Not to me or anyone I knew (I thought). It merely states the obvious in a very classical sort of way.

Dead puppies aren't much fun
They don't come
When you call
They don't chase
Squirrels at all
Dead puppies aren't much fun

I don't know. It just saddened me that he left, but anyways, moving on. Oh yeah, and one more thing happened, but I don't want to talk about it. I'll leave it to the ones who were there to figure it out.

Now I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do to get the work I have set before me done this week. I don't have any motivation right now, so it's just up to programed auto-pilot mindlessness to kick in. I hate feeling like this.

Also, Stuffy left for England today. We're all sad because he'll be gone for a while, but he'll have fun I'm sure. I'm even envious. I want to go to Europe but I just don't have the means for now, maybe for a while.

I'm gunna relax now. Peace and love.

It Came and Went

What happened to this weekend? I don't know. I can tell you that the downtime was almost non-existant. I must say though, it was different, that's for sure. Friday was a beautiful day. The air was perfect and the sun was shining so I felt confined to be stuck in a building for any prolonged duration of time. That's why I left early. It was for the best too. Matt and I ended up going on a most excellent adventure in the name of high quality sound. We drove thirty miles out into the country to this river I found two years ago. This place is so picturesqu it's almost unbelievable. I can't even begin to describe it just to say that we waded down the shallow water to a distant place and set up our audio equipment and captured the most awesome water/nature sounds I could have hoped for that day. We then, instead of going home, decided to drive and get lost. We ended up on the Natchez Trace Parkway and found the world-famous Natchez Trace Bridge. All the while I was thinking how nice it was to get away from the city. It was absolutely beautiful. And for those few moments out on that river and staring over the edge of that high bridge, I felt free from society. I felt a peace that only the beauty of nature can sing. I honestly could have spent the rest of the day there, but I am bound to my obligations, so I had to return.

Saturday was an interesting day. Stuffy, Weeman, Terra, and I went to Australia Fest at Centennial Park. They had all sorts of interesting events going on like Australian Football, Cricket, Girl's Rugby, an Aborigonee crafting Digery Doos, and Sheep hearding. Speaking of sheep hearding, they gave me an opportunity to try and heard some sheep and It's pretty hard. But the digery-doo performance later in the day was amazing. I just wanted to get lost in the sound of it. So through all of that excitement I went to the Australia Embassy booth to see if they could use my job skills. That's what they were advertising, "Australia Needs Skills". I was, however, soarly disappointed to find that not even Australia needs sound people. What will I do when I graduate? Nobody wants me!

Sunday was a rough day starting but a fine day to finish. Matt and I went to church to help set up for sound and the guy who volunteered this week was a complete jerk. Even Matt had his patience tested by this guy, which is a bit harder than testing my patience. I wanted to just leave, but Matt talked me into staying and for good reason. Later we discovered that the BGV singers didn't show up like they were supposed to, so I told the worship director that I could sing and so he tested me out by giving me a part and I did it to his approval. So he let me sing for the service and it was great. I haven't felt needed in church for a long time. I've just felt so alienated like nothing I have is useful to anyone. I'm musical and I live in Nashville. Do you see the problem with that? Everyone here is musical. It's like being a dollar in a stack of one million dollars. I realize again that I can't stay here when I graduate and that I've only come for a short duration of time, in fact, I hope to get out of here for a short while very soon so that I can be reminded as to what it's like to be musical in a place in need of music.

Finally, tonight I was at the studio working with one of my fraternity brothers, helping him get a demo recorded for some sort of project he has. He's already graduated so it was almost like a professional gig, which had me excited. I still admit to not knowing near what I feel like I should though. Maybe I just wasn't patient enough to think it through tonight. Anyways, I need to get some sleep. Peace and love.

Murder Without Death

I was talking to a friend I haven't talked to in a long time last night. I told him about all of the pains I have been through since we last met and about all of the bridges I have burned. I do that so much... burn bridges that is. I don't know why. He told me that people are all the time telling you that you shouldn't burn your bridges, but to him, it is more important to be who you are than to conform to what other people say you should do or be. Sometimes I feel like who I am is nothing more than a reckless monger holding a pack of matches in his left hand and a gas tank in his right. Burning bridges is what I do. But I was thinking about it in relationship to murder today. When I have wronged someone so horribly as to where they never want to see me ever again, it's almost as if I have killed them in a fit of pride. I will never see them again, and if I were to, it wouldn't be them, but an awkward and defensive form that has every right to exist.

Why do I burn bridges?

I think some of it has to do with pride and the other half deals mainly with fear. Burning a bridge, for me, is like pulling up a drawbridge... permanently. It keeps "them" or "it" out of my city walls. I do it with ease too. Without a simple thought I do it because it feels safe. Once the bridge is burned, I don't even stop there. I then go thumping my chest to all of my friends, telling them in a very engaging manner how glorious the flames were as I victoriously put the situation in its place. But at night, often times in my dreams, the truth eventually comes out. I'm afraid of the pain that would ensue if I were to keep those bridges alive. "They" or "it" would have the power to hurt me. I would have no control.

So time passes and I become sorry. I no longer feel it to have been a worthwhile action to take because I end up lonely and more often than not, the subject goes on unaffected or the person, without care. Simply put, I lose, and even if they were to forgive me, it would be unlikely for me to forgive myself.

You would think an understanding of self such as this would curb my habits and bring me towards a better place, but it doesn't. No matter what I do, burning bridges always seems to be the easiest and most painless way out, and so I continue to do so. Hah, not to condone my actions or anything, but maybe the answer would be someone who cared enough to swim across the bridgeless gap and smack me in the face. Whatever. I'm going to stop writing now. I've far passed the line of ridiculousness. I'm going to bed. Peace and love.

Stung

I woke up from another vivid dream yesterday morning. I was in a horrible accident. I remember flying through the air, having left my vehicle through the windshield. I crashed through the brush on the side of the road, ripping completely through a large limb and then it went black. When I woke up I was in a hospital, my hair was longer. I had been in a coma for two months. My back had been broken but my spinal cord not severed, my right leg and my left hip were also broken, but mending. So much had happened in those two months and I remember everyone trying to explain it all to me. It was rough.

When I woke up I loafed around the house for a while. At about lunch time we ended up riding our bikes down to McDonalds just to get out into the open air. We arrived and were looking for a place to park our bikes. Matt and Viking informed me that parking across the street, chaining our bikes to an old metal fire escape next to the church turned into a play theater. I stood under the stairs to position my bike when an insect grazed past my ear. I figured I must have startled it and went about doing what it was that I was doing when all of the sudden, a swarm of them immerged. They were wasps and they were pissed. I ran out waving and swatting, but I made eye contact with the one that got ahold of me. It stuck straight into my wrist, right into the vein. It hurt pretty bad and swelled up, but I survived. There's just a little red mark right now.

As far as classes go, I'm not quite stressed out right now. It being my senior year and all, I really am starting to focus more and more on my future. I'm not really worried about my performance in any of my classes. That's not to say that I'm slacking off or anything. I'm just not stressed out like I normally would be. This is the last of the last of my educational career. I'm excited about that. I'm also excited about being able to cope with the "real world" as I see it. I take care of the house, I hold down a job, I work on extracarricular activities, and I work through my classes. I'm staying on top of all of these things, and it is encouraging. Peace and love.

Oh Geeze

Those were pretty much the only words coming out of my mouth for the past thirty minutes as I was cleaning out the fridge. We had an entire industrial garbage bag full of rotten food. I think I might just take a shower just to feel better about myself, but I don't know.

I wasn't entirely in a good mood today. Something strong was bothering me and it effected my performance all day. I've been more tired lately, that's for sure, more tired and more hungry. I always complain about being tired though. I need to stop that. I could always be more tired than right now.

Budgeting is a big part of my life these days, this month especially. Rent has been higher because of Stuffy leaving for England. We won't have a new roommate until next month. Also, I have dues to pay this month along with groceries. I'm greatful because I have people supporting me. This could be a great deal more difficult than it is, and I'm not trying to come across as if I'm complaining or anything. I wanted this year to be like this because I wanted a new opportunity to grow. I'm glad for that.

I've got to work on physics and math tonight. I'm not to thrilled about that. Matt and I generally work on physics together, but he's working on his car right now with Chubbs, and it's taking a little bit longer than usual.

I'm trying to get back in the gym more too. There's so much on my mind that I just can't process by sitting around or even reading. I need to do something physically exhausting. The gym helps out in that department. I want to swim, but I'll just wait until after I graduate to join some sort of health complex. I just can't juggle that right now.

More and more of my mind seems to wander towards my future this year as well. Some of my desires fell through recently so I have nothing pointing me in any direction. That being the case, maybe I could do something a little unpredictable and exciting when I graduate. I'm pretty serious about taking a stroll through Europe. I even had a dream last night about buying a motorcycle so I could go cross-continent with a better feeling of freedom.

It feels almost like that longing sensation I had when I was a senior in high school. I want to go somewhere where I can get lost again.

So I think for the longest time I've wondered who I was. Those questions don't seem as loud anymore because I know these few important things:

a.) You are who you are when you accept your flaws and stop trying to fit in someone else's mold.
b.) Men and women (as bitter as we, of this generation, are towards eachother) are almost exactly alike. We just speak different languages.
c.) Rejection is always a risk and it always hurts. I wish I could say "Get used to it." but you never will.
d.) You can do anything you put your mind to except control the will of another individual. Love is given, not taken. I believe God set these laws in motion to teach us more of who He is.

Now all I want to know is what I'll do when this stage is over.

Peace and love.

Labor Day

Tonight we had a party, and it was fun.

Europe Would Be Nice

I'm writing right now because I'm feeling very impatient, not just for a specific need, but all the way around. Maybe I'm still pumped up from playing ultimate frisbee. We've started playing on Sunday nights with a group of people that meet out on this soccer field close to our house. They're all older than college age which makes it nice. I like mingling with people outside of my demographic every once-in-a-while, plus they're not over-competative. We all just want to have fun, but we're all still pretty good at the same time.

Somehow I don't think high activity is the reason for my impatience though. I've felt like this all day, which is why I cleaned the house and why I mowed the lawn. I feel caged I guess. I'm HERE doing THIS and that is the only acceptable place for me. I want to travel and go places I've never seen before. I want to experience. I've just got to keep in mind that I need to take one step at a time. I have to finish what I'm here for first. I was thinking that it would be nice to get lost in Europe for a few months after I graduate. Maybe while I was there I could rent a Vespa and ride all around, hang out in Venice, tour the Swiss Alps, visit my home-land of Scotland. Most of my friends have studied abroad, but it just wasn't in my means to do. Anyways, I'd rather just go without obligation.

Who knows what will happen. I'm going to go swimming for a little while and then take it easy for the rest of the evening. I, unfortunately, have work bright and early in the morning. Peace and love.

Light and Sound

I've been giving a lot of thought for the past few days on the principles of light and sound. Sound is scientifically proven to be a set of frequencies. Humans can hear anything between the range of 20hz to 20khz usually, unless, of course, they have sustained hearing loss. All of these frequencies are measured at how fast they undulate, giving us the perception of different pitches of sound which travel at 761mph. Now, given all of these properties of sound, consider the bat. Bats emit supersonic frequencies which bounce off of objects and back into their ears, giving them an image of sorts of that object, a very precise image. We use the same technology in sonar for military or fishing use. I am convinced, however, that we use it a great deal more than we think.

The complexities of light are a mystery to scientists, but there are a few theories bouncing about. One of which is the theory that light is a supersonic frequency spectrum that cannot be heard and that supercedes the necessity to travel through molecules to be carried. That means that for a low frequency spectrum, we have our ears, but for a high frequency spectrum, we have our eyes. We can see it direct by looking at the sun (not a great idea) or we can see it by reflections off of surfaces. Now certain surfaces absorb some light frequencies and reflect others. This is how we distinguish color (through our rod and cone cell structures). Similarly, certain surfaces are more proned to passing some sound frequencies while limiting others. What's more, sound can cause certain surfaces to resonate sympathetically to that frequency, in some cases, causing that object to break. It's known that every molecular structure has a resonating point. Does light frequency cause resonation? I think that it does. Light is known to cause heat, but heat is nothing more than excitement of molecules, causing friction, causing heat. So what excites those molecules? I think that it is sympathetic resonation from light frequency, but unfortunately I don't currently have the means to prove it.

Whatever. It's a theory.

Today wasn't so bad though. I woke up to having one of my classes cancled, so that was nice. It was beautiful outside too. I did have a crazy dream last night though.

I was in Scotland living in a village during the 1500's. All of the villagers and I were sitting at a huge stone table and feasting. Some of my friends were present along with all of the girls I've ever really cared about (yes, it was even awkward in my dream). Suddenly one of the shepherds runs up out of the pine woods and out of breath. He informs us that just a few miles away rests a camp of British soldiers. We had heard rumors that the British were stealing farm lands and enslaving the people there as their peasants, but what were we to do? We had no weapons other than plows and pitchforks, "Not to mention" said the shepherd "they have five times as many men as we!" So all of the men of the village called to order and we deliberate what our plan of action would be. What were our choices? We either lay down and submit to slavery, or we march to our impeding death in the name of making a statement. It didn't turn out to be as difficult of a decision as some would think, so we gathered what little we had, said our last goodbyes to the women and children, and march off. I wasn't married, but I was in love with one of the girls there. I saw it from third person, the women lined up in the green foggy field near the long stone table all dressed in dirty peasants rags. The men marched slowly turned and started walking as if they were hauling on their shoulders the physical weight of their decision. I saw myself turn and look at her while still walking slowly. She was looking at me trying to hide her emotion, so I figured I might as well do likewise. It was honestly too late to care.

When we got closer we teamed up into groups of two. Matt and I linked up just before we reached the bridge to the forest where the troops had set up camp. As we started across the bridge I looked at Matt and I realized that one of us might not make it home alive if not both of us. My heart sank a few feet lower but my determination rose. Half way between the bridge, the men ahead of us began to split off on either side, and we followed to the right. There was thick, tall, yellowish grass on the bank that was layed down into trails where we all had run through. I then ran out into clearer woods where I could be seen while Matt stayed in the thick brush. There was a guard ahead wearing shiny chain mail and a rounded helmet with a nose guard. He had a red tabard on with a sword at his waist. He looked to be standing guard by a tent. I ran up and tried to distract him so that he wouldn't notice Matt running around the side. He drew his sword and began swinging wildly at me and I was dodging the best I could. Suddenly he swiftly thrust straight for my stomach. All I could think to do was to deflect the sword with the sacrifice of my arm, so I did and I was cut badly, but it gave Matt just enough time to sneak up behind him and twist his neck with a quick jerk. I took his sword from his dead hand and we entered the tent only to find their weapons supply. The other men soon arrived and were armed accordingly. Then I remember two young but rather strong looking guys approaching me asking for swords, but I had never seen them before.
"Give us those swords."
"No, why should I? I've never seen you before."
"We want to fight! Give us those swords!"
"Okay, I might if you can tell me what our grand table in the village is made of?"
"Stone granit."
(reluctantly)"Okay, I guess that's good enough for me."
The fighting soon broke to a head soon after that and Matt and I got split up. I killed a few soldiers before I found myself seperated from the entire group. I tried to find my way back, but when I got to the camp sight all I saw was destruction, but no bodies, not from either side. I heard yelling in the distance and I followed it, but I found the same thing. I then began to fear that the soldiers had made an advance on our village, so I ran back as fast as I could. I ran into the tent where all of the women and children were hiding, and there she was. She wouldn't even look at me. I couldn't tell if she was afraid of me being all covered in blood and breathing heavily, or if she was just trying to protect herself from the pain of it. Maybe she was ashamed of me? I didn't know.

At that point, I woke up for a second because I was seriously breathing heavily and my right fist was clenched tight around a sword that I obviously didn't have, but then I fell back asleep.

I re-entered the dream having realized that all of the other men were probably dead. The woman I cared about didn't seemingly want to see me anymore so I really had nothing left to do but finish what I started. I began walking towards the one last camp sight where there were soldiers, determined to fight until I died. I knew I would die, but I didn't really care anymore. That's when my alarm went off.

I've felt pretty weird all day because of that dream. Initially all of my senses were hightened and my heart rate was higher, but then I just felt sad after that. It seemed so real that I felt I needed time to mourn. I honestly almost cried when I heard a song about seeking freedom. I don't cry though, I just get really close to it and then nothing ever happens.

Anyways, I need my sleep. I wonder what will happen tonight? Peace and love

The First Full

The first full week of class has begun and I'm already winded. I'm still trying to keep positive, but my health is dipping a bit and my energies to do much of anything extra outside of work and class are faint as well. I've been spending more and more time reclining with a good book and reading. I don't know, I'm just aggrivated and hungry right now. Peace and love

That's a Gibbon

Have you ever been to the Nashville Zoo? Well, we thought we'd go check it out yesterday, so everyone packed into a few cars and we drove out and payed the small fee. We don't do "different" very often, so anything new is smiled upon in my book. The problem is, you see, we are very poor people. Every dollar earned goes to paying bills or (if we're lucky) food. I don't know how some guys do it. They talk about making surplus money in college. In the meanwhile, I'm workin and classin it up and not seeing one stationary dime. Whatever, I'm sidetracking.

The zoo was nice, but it had me a bit bothered. I was looking at these animals and I realized I had no real feeling of interest in them. They were in cages doing the only thing that their space permitted. They sat or paced back and forth or just went to the back to try and hide from all of the people coming and going. Basically, they were only an image of the animals they represented. I felt much the same. When we got to the monkeys all I could think about was how it felt in Africa having real monkeys come and eat out of my hands. At the zoo they were safely placed behind baracades for their and our protection. When we came to the alligator exhibit, they were all very small and swimming around a 10 square metered pool. In Africa I went swimming in a river where grown alligators lived and later that night, I was able to feed some of them (not myself, of course, but by luring fish with bread and having the alligators, in turn, eat the fish). I don't mean to seem like a tree-hugger by saying this (because I love eating steak and not using public transportation) but the zoo seemed kinda lame.

Speaking of lame, how about growing pains? I know that they pay off, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. It's funny though. I hit my growth spurt, but I never remember having any kind of growing pains. My growth worked like this. I would measure myself after having it pointed out to me (usually by people I hadn't seen in a few months) that I had grown "at least two or three inches since the last time we met!" It was a vicious circle, but with no pain that I can remember. I bring all of that up because, not that I'm physically growing anymore (cuz I'm not), but everything else seperate of my body is, and it hurts! I'd say that right now I'm feeling slight discomfort but with complete awareness that it will only grow worse in the next few months. I'm learning new things this semester that are throwing me completely off balance. I'm getting older, I'm getting more responsibility with every tick of the clock, and I'm being forced to learn.

I think the hardest thing to learn, at least spiritually, is where the line stands between what you need and need not understand (in an educational sense). As an audio engineer (in training) not only do I know a great deal about how sound works, I also understand it through experience. But what do you do when you come to something as complex as love. I'm so tired of mulling over love within the relationship of a man and woman. Love is there, yes, but only partly, not completely. I can't put love in a test tube and measure it. There are no laws governing how it works (sorry Joshua Harris). There's a good deal of crap on tv that tries to convince you of how it works and how great it feels when you achieve it, but that's all bs too. You can read it in scripture and know what it is. You can know who God is, but to know God is different. Love must be one of those things that we allow ourselves to be satisfied in that it exists and can only be given. Sometimes it is hard to know that you are loved, sometimes it is easy. Sometimes we hold love up to our ideals and if it doesn't fit, we write it off. It's funny too. In all of the philosophies I have read (and given, maybe I just haven't read enough) they all seem to forget about the existence of love. Kant would be completely right in his theories about life if love did not exist. Love is such a huge part of our lives. And what is more, love exists out of the potential for rejection. A man ASKS a woman to marry him not just to simply ask a question, but to stand at the threshold of a whole new level of rejection, giving her the opportunity to reject or love him, all the while making the potential love that much more potent. Though in some world cultures a man still posesses the right to command a woman to marry him, he can never forcefully bring her to love him because he has not given her the ability to reject him.

My brain is about to explode. Sometimes I think my education to be fighting against me. Some of the most ignorant people in the world don't know what I know about love, but they know love much more intimately. So here I am trying to understand that all I NEED understand is that I have no control over the principles of love because they are too vast for the greatest of minds to comprehend (and mine is sub-par). I, however, do posess the power to love as well as the power to reject, but why, then, should I reject when I, myself, have ultimately been loved?

Again, my brian is going to explode. I guess I'd better go press it between two pillows so that I don't mess up my nicely painted walls with grey matter. That would be a shame to wake up to. Peace and love.

Classy

It's taken some adjustment so far. I really don't know how I feel about the start of this semester seperate from a little frustration at my workload. I'm trying to be positive about the year and my understanding that anything could happen at this point to set me back from graduating on time. It's funny because I'll be so busy trying to get through this year that I really won't have too much focus and "after college". I suspect I shall learn, though, to be more responsible and wise with my time and focus.

I find that, while walking around campus, I sometimes try to remember what it was like being a freshman. All of those new feelings of insecurity and wonder that this new batch feels. The memory doesn't seem that distant, but the emotions somehow do. It's because of the gradual acceleration of time. They will feel it when they get to my time as well.

In relation to freshman nostalgia, I was fingering through my mental roladex of "things to do" that I started when I was very young. At the top of that list, before I stopped listing, were the last two goals I wanted to achieve in life. I wanted to go to college and I wanted to get married. So I worked towards those goals fervently until now. I realize the foolishness in my planning. I have no more desires in life other than those two things, one of which I am very close to completing... CRAP! What was I thinking!? Life doesn't end after marriage, despite what several couples might say. So where are my goals?

I shall spend the rest of this year not only completing my educational requirements, but also writing new goals and desires to turn my energies towards when I graduate. It's unplanned procrastination, I know. But if anyone can procrastinate with style and grace, that'd be me.

I'm going to bed now. I'll try and keep you posted on the next few days. Lots will be happening. Peace and love.

Squeeky Clean!

Well Stuffy and I went to campus today and got some chores done in preperation for school to start back. I'm still a little bit nervous about how this year is going to transpire. All I want is to be able to pay rent and graduate on time. That said, I've done everything I can in preperation. Now all I have to do is show up and throw down.

That's a picture of the guys playing Dance Dance Revolution. We do that for exercise among many things. It's a pretty intense workout and it's a lot of fun. Right now my legs are pretty soar, but they're beasty too. Not only do I valet on them for 8 hours almost every day, but I also play DDR and ride my bike. Good workout for sure.

I slept very well last night and awoke to no new spiders. I was pretty happy about that. This might mean that all of our efforts of bug intrusion prevention have payed off. And it only cost $20! I'm excited about minimalistic living if you couldn't tell. I think I could live the rest of my life at this level of society and be just fine.

I've been thinking about my desires to travel, and I feel really compelled to. I want to experience the world, to learn about other people, and to share Christ with them. Right now I don't feel very prepared to do any of the above. All I seem prepared for is class. Boo class!

As for the rest of the house, It's pretty clean now. I feel as if I'm almost on top of it. See, for me I have to find a level of control with my living space. If things can't be controlled I sit and study them for a while until I can make them organized. I know that sounds weird, but that's just the way I function. I'm pretty much the same with my thoughts, and when I organize physically I'm also probably organizing mentally. As far as social settings go, I learned that it was a problem a while back. I've been working on not being so controlling and I think I'm getting better. As for relationships, the last time I checked, I'm not that great, but the last time I was in a real relationship was a long time ago, so I would hope that I've improved somewhat. Am I talking about relationships? No WAY!

The year starts wednesday. So here we go. Peace and love.

Settled? Sorta...

I'm finally in an actual room in the house. An actual, honest-to-God, room. I'll be sleeping on a futon frame with a few modifications tonight. I added duct tape rings on the posts so that if any brown recluse thinks it an ideal place to wander, it will get stuck before it ever reaches me. We also set up the house to be anti-intrusive for bugs. That invovled a fair amount of screening, duct tape, and expanding foam. We filled all of the cracks, put screen enclosures over the ventelation ducts, and we set new traps around areas with high spider sightings. Oh yeah, we also made some make-shift weather stripping on all of the doors with duct tape. You really can save the world with that stuff... At least, in a physical sense.

Tomorrow I start getting ready for class, organizing my notes, collecting my intellecual mind, solving world suffering. Among that list of duties, I also might be mowing the lawn, maybe buying some bird seed for the yard so that we can attract more birds, decrease the bug population, therefore decreasing the spider population. We found out today that the neighbors are also having a bit of a problem, but we are determined to win. We have called this struggle The Battle for Ye Olde Pembroke.

Other than that, not too much is going on. I guess life can only be so exciting. Peace and love.

Spider Update

The war agains the spiders has taken a new turn, but not a positive one. After the exterminator came, we thought we had all but won. We were wrong. The spiders have a new plan of attack. They have become more aggressive. Just last night I killed two adults within half an hour. One of them I saw from my periferal vision as I was sitting down. He thought he could climb onto my arm, but now he is dead. The other one was just chillin out on a curtain. We thought he had gotten up there on Weeman's computer cables before Weeman moved out and that he just couldn't figure out a way to get back down yet. That, at least, is one theory. The other theory sudjests that they come out of the air vents.

In answer to all of the threats, we debated new strategy and then tried to find someone's house we could crash at for the night. We realized that it was probably a little too late to call someone up, being that it was around 12:30 in the morning so... we set up my tent in the living room. That seemed to settle everyone enough to get to sleep, but the other guys still didn't sleep well, probably not just because of the spiders, but they're not to used to sleeping on the floor. I sleep on the floor every night though, so I got knocked out and woke up at around 9.

As for tonight, I don't know what we'll do. We might have to plan a new assault. The death toll right now is 10 brown recluse casualties and 0 human, but they're not giving up yet.

Outside of that situation, move-in day was yesterday for both Vanderbilt and Belmont. The city is bustling with young impressionable freshman faces. I miss the initial get-go of being an RA right now, but that will all change in a week. It was really nice, after all, to come home to a nice quiet house instead of having to stay at the university and deal with angry and depressed parents. Oh, but all my love is with you guys that are.

Today I'm going to move into my own room though. Weeman moved into his apartment yesterday so I will be temporarily using his room until Stuffy goes to England. At that point I may or may not decide to move upstairs. All of this, of course, is pending on the spider situation. I really would like to know when all of them are dead, just for the sake of peace of mind. I guess I can't have everything though. Peace and love.

Oh No! School?

I just realized that I have exactly one week from today before classes start. That's not fun to think about, but I think I'll be okay. I'm really going to have to do a fair amount of prioritizing being that I'm taking calculus this semester, but I'll do my best.

I didn't really do much today, which was nice. I slept in for a while and then all of us went to eat lunch with Viking at Arby's. After that I played chess for a while and then took a nap. When I woke up I went to leadership training at the university which was nice because they gave us a free meal, and I now have an even greater appreciation for "free". I was amazed at how many people where there that I didn't realy recognize. I mean I could scan the crowd and see familiar faces, but for the most part I guess they were new sophomores. I'll probably be even more distant this year, living off campus and all. Who knows? I'm just anxious to finish strong.

I've been wondering about my passions lately though. I want to see what not being an RA does for me. I think the job jaded me in a way that made me forget who I was under those cloths. I'll be working a lot this year and tending to my education, but none of that lasts 24/7. As an RA people are always watching you do your job. If you take two steps to the left or right you can lose control and lose your job. I'm glad I don't have to live under that anymore. I'm glad that I can experience my last year of college in a completely new light.

I guess you might be wondering about our current status with the brown recluse pests. Well, none of us were bitten last night and we haven't seen any today so that's a good sign. We've all been trying to keep things extra clean so that they have fewer places to hide, but you can only organize so much when six grown men live in a house built for five. The exterminator will be coming tomorrow morning, so that will be good. It's funny though. I've always had this fear of spiders crawling on me while I sleep. Sometimes I'll be half awake at night and I'll think I see a spider lowering on a web down infront of my face. I freak out and start swatting at it, but it's not really there. As for last night, though, I fell asleep like a rock while all of the other guys tossed and turned and didn't sleep well at all.

Well... I'm going to sleep now with my spider friends. Hope all is well with ye. Peace and love.

Arachnophobia?

Work work work. I really don't mind it that much. The job has its stress points, but I feel pretty satisfied that I've fallen into a good groove with the proceidures as well as with my boss.

I don't like writing too much about work though. It seems like such a mundane thing to focus on. At home, however, new adventures happen every day. I'm learning to be what some might call "mature" through expreiences such as substantial living, tornadoes, and poisonous spiders.

I suppose I should start with last night's storm. If you've never been to Nashville, you should know that this time of year is prime for harsh weather. Some of the most amazing lightening storms I've ever whitnessed were here. Sure, they're no NC hurricane, but it's almost always a good show. Last night was no exception. I went out onto the porch to watch it all come in, enjoy the light show and the sound of the pounding rain. Weeman came out with me as the winds started to pick up. I think in the heart of every man exists the appreciation for extreme weather conditions. Anyways, as we were surveying the splendor of the storm, our attention was drawn to a rustling down the street that quickly turned into a roar. All of the sudden things started to literally lift off of the ground and fly with great speed down the streets. The trees bowed as if before royalty and the rain turned into sheets that you could barely see through. Just for immagery, have you ever been in an airplane on a runway when it was raining and seen the effect of a jet engine thrust on the water on the ground? Well... that's what we saw. We ran like scared little girls back into the house where upon the door was ripped out of my hands and slammed shut behind me by the wind. I haven't been through many tornadoes, but I can tell you this. It takes a pretty high wind to rip limbs off of trees and knock out power for hundreds of people. Oh, and poor Viking left his windows down only to discover a very damp car in the morning. But after the storm we went out to survey the area. It was pretty hard core with limbs and debris everywhere. While everyone else was out checking on their houses, we all decided it would be a good idea to play instruments on the porch. It was neat because the crickets started chirping in rhythm. Our power came back on soon after.

As if that wasn't enough adventure for one week, today I came pretty close to a good bit of pain. I was woken up early from a nap because Weeman called me to ask about dinner plans. I was a bit groggy and unappreciative at the moment until I went back to my bed and turned over the covers to discover a presence that made me a bit more greatful of being awake. It seemed that a brown recluse had decided that I would be a cozy object to snuggle up next to. It scampered off into my work pants after I startled it and I haven't been able to find it since. This makes the third encounter with a brown recluse I've had in this house. I killed two adults and now this baby makes for a bit of unsettled feelings in the house. It signifies a hatched nest with who knows how many brothers and sisters. Stuffy and I went to Walmart to by combatants. We picked up 100% deet to secure our sleeping quarters with and an emergency bite first aid kit to keep on hand at least until the exterminators get a chance to come out here and give us an assessment.

Other than that, I'd say things are pretty good. I'm in great shape, school is about to start back up, and I have a good deal of mental clarity at the moment. That's good. I'll need all of the mental clarity I can get this year.

Peace and love.

For Zach

These pics are for Zach. He will copy them and paste them and then decide if he wants to put them on a power point slide show. Her you go Zach. Enjoy.

This Mine New House

I am writing my first journal from the Ye Olde Pembroke House (at least I think it's my first). I got all moved in last. When I went to sleep, however, it was with the understanding that I wouldn't be going to work in the morning. But that was not the case when I woke up! They called me in to work at 11 and when I got there, they totally didn't need me. That being so they sent me to another hotel instead of cutting me, and THAT hotel didn't need me. So I came back to the Sheraton and they kept me working. I didn't really appreciate that. I ended up staying until 5.

I got home and started cleaning though. I've still got a good bit to do and I won't officially have my own room for another few weeks or months. I'm just going to get the house ready as much as I can until then. Hope you all have a good one. I'm going to bed. Peace and love.

Home to Home

This is the last night that I work as an RA ever. I don't know quite how to feel about it. It's surreal, but the job has changed so much that I must admit that I won't miss it at all. What I will miss are the memories of better days. I suppose now I could become an activist in making things right and restoring the institution to healthy and employee supportive status, but I'm being stereotypical. I'm a college student. College students feel passionate about things and they think they can change the world with their ideas. I don't know if it will work or not, but I will feel better if I at least try.

Tonight also marks another occasion. It will be the first time in three years where "going home" doesn't mean going back to my campus quarters. "Going home" will mean going to the house where all of my things now reside.

As for the move-in process, it's going to take a long long time. My entertainment center was trashed by the university (go fig) and the guys that will be moving out haven't finished yet so I can't completely unpack. I have, therefore, named the room in which I now reside "limbo" as it is consistantly used for people to stay in that are between transitions.

I sleep well in Limbo though. My bed is nice, I have a tree outside the window, and it just feels comfortable like a home should.

I'm going to spend the next 30 minutes closing up shop. Goodbye RA, hello home, Peac and love.

Coming Back to Calm

I must say that times have been rather... well... intense between finishing off my RA work, organizing my school scheduling, and moving from the apartment to the house. My mood, accordingly, has been subject to turbulant and unr eliable winds. I find that I become very impatient with and bothered by people who ask favors or chores of me. Sometimes I just want to collapse, my vision becomes limited, my motivations, unclear, and I sink to wallow in my repugnant hopelessness.

When you get there, to that cloudy, life-loathing state of existence, it's hard to remember to breath. It is breathing, however, that puts you into a field of motion rather than sitting in a dramatic and stagnant pity party. I had to remember to breath yesterday when everything seemed to be crumbling. I talked things over (out loud and to myself while I was driving no less) and then to a few of my friends and together we figured out several solutions. I can still graduate on time and I can still work an internship, but the timing isn't exactly what I would have chosen. The advantage is that I will have a slightly more reasonable schedule this semester than I originally thought.

Well, right now I'm about to be pulled away. I'm working my last desk shift as an RA and I'm about to have a one-on-one debriefing of the season. After that I'm going straight to my apartment to finish moving. I'm afraid I still have quite a bit of work to do before I get to kick my shoes of and relax. Whatever the case, peace and love.

School Scheduling makes me Sad

I just found out that I won't be graduating on time. That's discouraging, but I'll do what I must. It's going to be a rough year for sure, but I just checked it out and atleast my schedule is somewhat managable. I'm also working on budgeting out my finances right now due to rent and bill payments. I wonder if it is possible to go to $20 a week for food. I'll give it a try and tell you how it goes. Don't worry, I won't risk my health.

For the rest of the day I'm going to focus on finishing off my RA work and moving out of my apartment. This is the beginning of my senior year of college. I knew it would come one of these days, I just didn't expect it to come so soon. If you should need me, I will be feverishly planning and organizing until the day I receive my degree. Peace and love.

Reading Writing and Reflection

I haven't written in a while, not because I haven't had the time, but because I just haven't felt up to the task. I'm still burried in quite a bit of change and adversity, but I'm learning to manage as I always seem to do. Today I put forth my first installment of rent. I wasn't expecting it to come so soon, but I'm prepared... I suppose. This gives all new meaning to the purpose of my labors. I have to raise money to keep a roof over my head. Welcome to the real world. I think I'll like it though. It will yield a new breed of satisfaction into my life while simultaneously preparing me for things to come.

So do I dare reflect on the summer? I really don't know what to make of it other than this has been my most realistic sneak peak at what life might be like after I graduate. I mean, I hope I have a little better job than valet, but for now I like driving cars and making tips. It has forced me to learn how to talk with strangers, conquering what I was taught as a kid.

I don't know what else to say. I can speculate for hours as to what might happen in the future, but I will never know for sure. For now I shall work on my focus, polishing my goals, and coming into an understanding of why I am spiritually here. "This year will fly by faster than we realize." Charles said to me as we talked on the phone today about our busy lives. I know that's true. It has been true every year, but even more so. It keeps on speeding up and speeding up. We will probably die before we ever reach terminal velocity. Peace and love.

This is Me Venting My Frustration

I'm thoroughly discouraged right now. I just got my work schedule the night before the workweek starts and I was scheduled for tomorrow morning. I specifically put on the schedule listings that I don't work Mondays because I have two jobs and the other one has precedent on Monday. Not only that, but they didn't even ask if they COULD schedule me on a day that I specifically don't work, they just did. This happens way too often to be tolerable. Beyond that, I can't even get in touch with anyone that works there now and I have to be in a session at 8:30am. I have no choice but to just not show up, but what's going to happen is that they will call me first thing in the morning to ask where I am. On top of that, my character is marred. There's just too much going on this week for stuff like this to be happening. In short, I'm really really pissed off. I've been working hard all day to finish off my chores so that I could be ready for this week. The ONLY thing that could have happened to set me off just did.

I don't have any justification to be this mad though. This entire school year is going to be hellishly arduous. Two jobs, several classes, one internship, one office, and bills standing behind me with no mercy for failure. I'm nervous as to whether or not I will be able to adapt. I've never failed before, but I've never faced an opponent this fierce before either. If I have enough strength to do this, I'll have plenty of confidence when I graduate, that much is certain.

Trying to Change

Life is changing for me and the people around me, and it has all been coming at a pretty fast pace. I'm trying to keep up, and it's not very easy. Sometimes you have to shed things that you've held on to for a long time or you will fall under. So I'm taking a step back and analyzing my life. What is necessary and what isn't? There's a good bit of both. I always start these periods off with a thorough cleaning of my surroundings. It gives me time to think and organize my thoughts as I organize the space in which I live. Some things I throw out and others I stand back up and dust off. And when it's all done, a fesh smell rises up and you can feel at peace for a while. The only hitch is that when I get cleaned up, I tend to just sit in autopilot for a while and wait until things get dirty to the point where I have to clean again. I don't stay consistant.

Change is difficult but life should never be predictable. I've said it time and time again, but maybe someday I'll understand as well with my head the words that my tongue is already quite familiar with.

Can't Give Up (Fragmented Thoughts)

I'm so tired and work has been so hard. There are so many things on my mind and I can't even express how it feels. But I can't give up because I've come too far. I did write a song tonight though. I was glad for that. I ate a lot of food too and I think I'm gaining weight.

All in all, I just want to be content, but that has nothing to do with external achievement and everything to do with my heart.

So here we go to bed in hopes of sleeping the entire night through. I haven't had a dream in a while, I've just been tossing and turning. I'm more and more tired though, so I suppose I have more of a fighting chance. Peace and love.

Great News

Today I found out that I'm going to be an uncle! Congratulations Grace and Josh!

No Songs

I sat down to write music tonight because I've had so much on my mind as of late. I wanted to open my mouth and have this amazing song just spill out, something that I could hang on the wall and stare at and have it remind me of the passion I feel. That song hasn't happened yet, and I'm getting discouraged. I won't plead ignorance though. I know exactly why I can't write and it's been driving me crazy. Have you ever just wanted something so bad that it leads you to start playing mind games with yourself? I'm in that haze right now. I want something so bad that I've come to the point of trying to convince myself that I don't want it anymore. People like me have a little trouble dealing with lack of control. I was telling Stuffy today that when I engage myself in these situations I'm like a wave. I start to swell and then I just crash and make a big mess. I don't want to crash though, so what do I do? I try to convince myself that I'm not engaged. I try to convince myself that what I have now is better than putting it all up in the air for the chance of something better. I hide under a banner of control. But this doesn't make sense. I've been preaching for the past forever that taking risks and getting the crap beat out of you is what makes life worth living. Predictability is boring! So what do I do? Do I contradict myself and sit around, or do I take both hands off the wheel? If only I could put THAT into a song, I'd be alright... No... I'll tell you what I'd be. I'd be content to just sit back and play that song to myself instead of acting on the words and doing something.

Now I'm starting to confuse myself. I'm going to soak in front of the tv for a while. Peace and love.

Crazy What Happens in Three Years

For the past two days I've been working on a subproject with little progress, but my enthusiasm is still optimal. Throughout college life, we have had several video moments, all of which I am working dilligently at editing for the start of the school year. The work consists of me watching over and over again the insanity of our past, and it has brought me to a good bit of reflection. It's amazing what can happen in just three years. Looking at all of us in comparison from then and now is incredible. We're all so different yet so much the same. I don't know if I've gotten better or worse, but I do know that I've enjoyed all of it. But that's just three years. You've gotta wonder how much more change is just down the road. Each year brings just a little bit more responsibility and maturity. Change is such a huge part of our lives. Sometimes it feels like flying in an airplane though. You feel stagnant and stuck in that small little seat next to the sleeping smelly guy and in front of the crying baby. You get cramped up, but you forget that you're actually moving at over 400 miles per hour. It's only when you look back to your origin from your destination that you realize just where you've come from and how little time has passed.

Time... time wasn't very friendly to me this morning, or maybe blame should be cast upon the construction crew working on the new dorm. After all, it was they who cut the power this morning. Time could no longer function properly in order to wake me up at the period requested. Long story short, I was over an hour late to work the desk this morning. Speaking of which, before I go to bed, I think I might set my phone alarm to go off with my regular alarm. That way, there is little likelyhood of both failing. I need to go to bed though. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I had a hard time pinpointing what exactly it was that was keeping me up so late, but maybe tonight I will be tired enough. Who knows? Peace and love.

Christmas in July?

I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie's Transatlanticism right now. Perfect with good hot tea to keep me company. I'm going to be busy for the next while. There are very few holes in my schedule, but I won't complain. I'm not sad that is.

Right now I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. There's so much of my future that's up in the air, so many things that I've asked for. It's very much like a present under the tree. And here I sit just a few feet away wanting so badly to peel back some of the wrapping and see what's there. I'm impatient. What's more is that I know if I were to look, it would totally kill the surprise. I thank God that He keeps my future a mystery. I know that He gives the best presents and I know that He listens.

I was talking to someone about that recently, about futures and certainty. He told me that before I commit to falling in love, I must have set aside a secure future. I must have prospects. I respect that, but I do not agree. No where in my heart rests the desire to be secure. I want to free-fall in God's life planned for me. I want a love that feels the same. But then I take a step back and wonder how many men, how many thousands of men before me have cried the exact same desire, and how many of them ended up behind a desk, planted firmly in secure and predictable suburbia? Will real life conquer me? I would hope not. But I can see it coming, that deciding point, and what makes things worse is that there are a few things on the silent conquered side that I desire. Who knows. Stuffy once told me though that if I settled for a life of being a simple cog in the wheel, that he'd kick my ass. Everyone needs good friends to keep them motivated.

Heh. Just checked the weather and it looks like it's going to be a hot one this week. Whatever. I'll be fine. Sweaty, but fine...

So here's the decree. I'm going to take my down-time more seriously. I will enjoy silence when it comes. My failing to do so for this past year has really cost me a great deal. I was talking with Brian while in Chicago about that. I can't become the kind of person who prioritizes business over my family and friends. My peak priority has always been spending time with the people I care about. I just never really thought anything else lasted. It's hard sometimes though. Sometimes I can be really selfish when hanging out with others, and sometimes I can be neglectful. And then there are the times when I shrink down to a very small group. In my subconscious I feel like there is less risk of pain that way. What a wuss. You'd think that a guy my age would realize that for all the pleasures that come from relationships, sometimes pain shows up. I'm the one that preaches pain as being an augmentor of beauty. I sure can talk though, can't I?

Well, I'm going to sit back for a few more minutes and soak in the silence. I'll be running sound at church in the morning with Matt. I'm sure I'll enjoy that. And to you (if anyone even reads this), may your life be bright in the light of God's brilliance. Peace and love.

What Was It

The past few days in Chicago with Brian and Brandon were great. Chicago gives me a knew understanding of the term "big city". Nashville is not a "big city". Other than that, I feel sorta weird right now. I have tons I want to talk about, but I don't know if it's the appropriate time. I guess I'll just stop myself short and sleep on it. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning. Peace and love.

Fingers and Toes

I just want to give you fair warning that if you're looking for meaning behind my title, you won't find any in this entry. I don't even know what I'm writing about tonight. Maybe it's all in the name of settling my nerves. I moved my computer the the living room where the lights have been dimmed and I sit listening to Miles Davis. I just drank a hot cup of tea and now I sit to determin if my thoughts are worth publishing. There's a good deal on my mind, don't get me wrong. I just take caution as to what I make public. I don't expect to reveal all of myself here. Where would the fun be in that?

I guess I've been feeling a bit shallow for the past few days. The majority of my thoughts feel a bit less than memorable. I don't feel like they take me anywhere, if that makes any sense. I'm wrestling big-time right now with calling and whether or not it is possible to live a life of significance. I'm not talking about making wads of cash and living the high-life. I'm talking about spiritual significance. But where are my motivations? They get lost every once in a while. I get confused and sidetracked. Or am I being sidetracked? I know this much about myself. I don't desire predictability or security. With that in mind, I do not detest this current state of existance. It makes everything more beautiful in my opinion.

My roommates finally moved out completely today, so the whole apartment is mine. I got it pretty cleaned up which helped me sort out some of my mental qualms. I even sat down and tried to write a song, but it didn't come out as well as I would have hoped. I haven't given up though. I'll keep working with it.

I was thinking this year what it might be like, me being here all summer as opposed to being home. How will it effect my responsibilities and my motivations? I know it will all be different, but I'm hoping it's different in a good way and not a stressful way. But come to think of it, why do I always think of stress as bad. Has it ever killed me? ... Well... it came close once. But I've received so much wisdom as a result of it.

I'm learning to rest in uncertainty.

Peace and love.

The Darkness

I made it through the day despite how long I thought it would last. I had class this morning and then work right after, but I ended up being let go a little bit early which was nice. At work, to occupy my time, I cleaned the bell closet in a way that it has never been cleaned before. After I left, I met Grace and Josh at the Parthenon and talked about life for a while.

I've been really tired lately and I think it's because I haven't been sleeping well, only I don't want to take drugs to fix it because my sleep has been really interesting at the same time. I have always had vivid dreams ever since I got to school. Sometimes they just feel so real. Last night, however, was the first time I have ever had a continuous vivid dream coming from the night before and starting where the previous night left off.

Thursday Night:
I was driving my car with a passenger I had never met before. It was foggy and dismal that day and we had to take our time because of the poor visibility and the fact that I had never driven that area before. We turned onto a straightaway, a small two-lane road with guardrails on either side. The fog sat just below what I thought were ditches on either side of the road, that is, until I saw a break in the fog. On either side of the road there was actually a 500-foot drop. I remember thinking "Man, if you lost control on this road you'd be screwed." I drove more cautiously until we reached a roundabout. Here there was still fog, but less. The trees were all dead but the grass was very green. In the middle of the roundabout was an old run down church that had been abandoned for quite some time. We ended up following an old blue car at this point, but not for long. It ended up, for no reason, barreling through the guardrail and crashing down the mountainside. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't do anything if I stopped. They were clearly dead. I didn't have my phone either, so I decided to keep on driving until I reached some place where I could report what I saw. I kept driving around the roundabout in disbelief until I saw a middle aged, curly brunet woman of husky build with a chubby and slightly aged face. Dressed in an off-white nightgown she walked in front of my car, bringing me to a stop. She then slowly walked to my window which I rolled down. She leaned over casually, raised her pointed finger towards the church and said in a lazy voice
"You know... there's a dead body over there in the grass..."
On her face was an expression of casual delight, not too bright, but not emotionless either. I then looked over to my right where a man with a gun was yelling at a family in a van trying to open one of their doors to get at them. I took no more time to stay in that place, but nobody seemed to have a problem letting me go either. So I drove until I reached a hotel built like no other hotel I had ever seen. It was all one story and it seemed very small on the outside. I opened the door of my car and stood up to stretch, but no sooner had I than a pack of pitbulls jumped on me. I shoved them off as best I could trying to injur as many as possible. They seemed to slow down beyond practical gravity as the struggle progressed, but they never let off. I ran into the hotel but was soon met with the problem of automatic sliding doors. I couldn't run from the dogs so I did my best to hold the door shut with one hand while I reached for the other non-automatic door with the other. I made it in. I never found a room though. I never made it that far before it revealed itself to me. I was being hunted by what was known as The Darkness. It was a being that could take on any shape of any living creature and it was after my life and my soul. The lights were on, but the light that they cast grew fainter and fainter by each second. I knew it was closing in so I ran into the stair well. The stairs went down into the ground instead of up, but I went hastily, jumping down entire staircases without injury. The Darkness was on my trail. It then took the form of a crowd of people marching down the stairs in hard-soled shoes after me. I then woke up.


Friday Night:
I was at the bottom of the stairwell where I came across a door that brought me outside into a great field. I ran through the field and met a group of men who knew of The Darkness. They actually had come to fight it. Their courage gave me courage, but I wanted to see it first. The first man went out and met the darkness in the field. It then took on an image of something the man loved. I didn't get a clear view, but I think it was a woman. The man let his guard down and The Darkness took his soul. The next man went out, much more steadfast and prepared, wearing armor and wielding a sharp sword. He seemed very confident as he walked out to meet The Darkness in the field. Now this field was very green, but with black porous rocks jutting out in all different areas. I found a rock to hide behind up on a hill looking over the field. I didn't see much but a few flashes of the man slaying all different images that The Darkness took on to take him. He vanquished the being on the field and stood in reflection over its corpse. As he lowered his arms and his head in silence, the being swiftly rose, taking on its true form, and slayed him on the spot. I didn't cry out, though I felt in my heart that I had a deep connection with this man whose soul was taken. I peaked over the rock and saw The Darkness. I don't know how to describe it. It looked like a solid, but it wasn't. It was darkness all over, but it's eyes managed to be darker than the rest of it's body. You could in fact only make out the body because certain parts of it were lighter dark than others. It looked to be wearing a spiked crown of darkness as it surveyed its victory. But as I barely peaked over the rock, I was thrown into immense fear, and as if I had shouted, revealing my location, it turned and sharply looked at what little part of me was revealed over that rock, but I still was to afraid to even make a nose. I had nowhere to run. I tried to organize my thoughts but I couldn't. All the while, The Darkness had taken the form of a Grizzly Bear. In my desperation I decided to fall as if I had fainted. The Darkness came closer and closer until it was standing directly over my body. At this I pulled a knife and shoved it into the bears chest, twisting the blade as vigorously as I could until it had fallen. That's when I woke up.

I wonder if this dream will continue again tonight. I kinda hope that it does, and I kinda hope that it doesn't. Peace and love
.

The Week

It wouldn't be unfair of me to say that this week was particularly awesome. I had a great time. Starting last Sunday night, Karl and Andy arrived at my humble apartment with the same plans as I had... none. So the week went by and I plowed the fields in the morning and after that, anything went. Monday started off with a bit of a sour taste. Last week my life wasn't exactly carefree and the dark clouds followed me to Monday morning when work called at 7:16am.

work:"Where are you Nate? We're worried about you. You're never late."
abruptly awoken me: "Uh... uh... I'm coming in. I'm coming in. Sorry... I'm coming in."
work: "Okay man, see you in a few."

I stumbled around my room in a half woken panic for a few seconds more before I slapped my phone closed. It was as if the clap of the cellular plastic were the fingers of a hypnotist. I suddenly woke to my senses.

"I'm not supposed to come in today... I've got the day off!"

I called back and luckely I have great friends. Clayton said it wouldn't be a problem and for me to go back to sleep. So I tried to take his advice. Easier said than done. My heart was pounding because I hate being late for work. I feel like it blemishes my character. I needed that sleep though. I went to bed at three the night prior and I had to be at work at the desk at 10. I did eventually get to sleep though, and that was the last of my discouragement this past week.

When I awoke, Karl was already awake and he went with me to work and we sat and talked for several hours. When I got off we went back to retrieve still sleeping Andy so that we could go to lunch. They wanted vibe so I took them first to SATCO and we ate outside. It was there that we ran into Sarah Dean who offered us free Hootie and the Blowfish tickets. There were only two though, so I gave them to Andy and Karl and had planned to stay back and finish doing my maintenance reports on campus. They were, after all, due two days from then and the next day was the fourth, so I didn't feel much like working then. So when we got to the ampitheater, Sarah gave them their tickets and then asked me if I'd like to stay. I had no ticket and I had work, so I politely refused, but then she pulled out a third ticket. What do I do? Do I clame the official title of "lame-ass" and refuse free Hootie tickets so that I can get my work done? Or do I stick it to the man, take the tickets, have a great time, and try to scramble the next day? I've discovered that I really like "sticking it to the man".

Tuesday was the Fourth and I still had work in the morning, but it was fine. I did it in high spirits and then went on with my maintenance reports afterwards, finishing those in less time than I originally thought. That meant we were free for the cookout at the house. Steak, burgers, dogs, you name it, we grilled it. We took Matt some because he had to work and then I showed the guys around the hotel. After that we went back to campus and played some disc. Stuffy was with us. We were playing until the firework show started which at that point we were going to go to the parking garage to view. When we got there we quickly discovered that the view wasn't going to be that great, but I knew of a potentially better place. The new science center on campus had a high balcony on the top floor. If we were to get there we could potentially have the best seats in the city. We ran, I without my shirt, to the building and rode the elevator up to the top floor. There were people there, so we went back to the floor below and Karl gave me his shirt. He thought this to be wise because I could be fired for being crazy, but the most they could do to him is ask him to leave. We went back up and from the balcony we enjoyed the show while taking part in the decorative refreshments. When the show ended a man next to me spoke up about the success and conclusion of the gathering. It was the president of the university. Andy was curious as to what was going on, and evidently we crashed a party to a high class gathering of Belmont's movers and shakers. With that knowledge Stuffy, Eric, Andy, Karl, and I went to the elevator with the president and his close friends and we all crammed in. The poor man was trying to make the best of the situation knowing that we were his students. Andy then decided that it would be a good idea to sing "You are my Sunshine" to break the awkward silence. You should have seen the looks on the people's faces. When the doors opened all of us rifraf got off and started in with Andy. We then went back to my apartment and enjoyed the private fireworks throughout the city from my apartment view.

Let me abreviate because it's getting late. Wednesday night we went to get all-you-can-eat wings and before we went to the Wooten show on 3rd and Lindsley. That's the best show in Nashville for five bucks. Last night we made sushi, and abundance of very good sushi, and then finished off the night by going to see Superman Returns. Good food, good movie. When I woke up in the morning, they were gone, but it was a great time.

Grace and Josh got here today. It's been good to hang out with them for a while. I won't hardly see them tomorrow because I'll be in class and at work for most of the day, but such is the life of a college student. We went to see the new Pirates movie which I'm still digesting right now. They also brought with them the instrument that my parents got me from China. It's called a Sanxian and I'm picking it up pretty fast. So that's life right now. I'll be pretty busy for the next week or so, but you take care. Peace and love.

Think of it as a Painting

I've wrestled with a good deal today. Patience, understanding, self-control, focus, listening, and the list continues. Last night my plans grew shakier and my heart grew a bit heavier, but I'm still standing.

Class this morning wasn't as much of a learning experience for me as it was for everyone else. We were discussing micing techniques for different instruments that we were supposed to bring in, only nobody did. So when I got there I turned right back around and went to pick up our arsenal from the house. I grabbed the djimbe, shakers, mandolin, violin, banjo, lap dulcimer, tambourine, and harmonica. When I got back we started up and, as it turned out, I was the only one who played any of the instruments. So I stayed behind the mics and played while everyone else was in the control room listening and learning. Oh well.

Eric and I went to see Superman tonight. I really liked it, but there was this kid behind me that really tested my patience. You can always tell the parents who don't believe in spankings because their kids are obnoxious in public. It's funny too to hear an adult beg her toddler to be still and silent in a theater. After being kicked in the back several times, I finally had enough. I grabbed my empty plastic Sprite bottle, lifted it up even with my head and I slowly crushed all of the air out of it so as to pass along the message, without making too much of a scene, that I would be appreciative if they would do us all the honor of controlling the child. Someone else didn't mind making a scene though and they just turned around and told them to leave. Whatever. How could one expect a child to be considerate of others if the parents were not setting an example? That's my soapbox on that.

It's been a rough day though. I hate to take out all of my aggression on a toddler, but MAN it took a good deal of patience. I'm trying to find joy as best I can, but sometimes it's just so hard. Stuffy and I talked for a good while on our current situations. We're both struggling with like-natured problems, we just approach them differently. I'm learning a great deal about myself right now through him and my mentor. Sometimes it hurts, but I will keep growing. Peace and love.

Too Relaxed

I forgot what all I left behind here when I went home for the past few days. Wouldn't you know that work would try and screw me over with this week's schedule? If that wasn't bad enough, I don't have any phone numbers to contact them with so I can get it changed. I'm going to have to figure something out over the weekend. They know better than to schedule me on Monday's and Saturdays.

But I feel pretty squashed right now. The drive home gave me some time to think, but thinking doesn't always mean that you come to any solutions. You might just dig your hole deeper than it was before. I really just feel... helpless here. I feel trapped in this city. It bothers me that I can't do what my heart longs for, but at the same time, it is my nature to finish what I started. I came here to learn, and I have indeed learned in abundance. The stresses of it never get easier though. It brings me down ten feet when kinks get thrown in my operation and they do all the time. But didn't I sign up for that? I've always said that a stable life isn't a life worth living. That's a big part of my philosophy. And out of everything I've learned, I haven't quite figured out how to not get bent out of shape every time I fall through the ice. I fail to see the opportunities at first because I get so distracted in feeling sorry for myself. Why is that such an instinctive response to failure or adversity? Nothing ever gets done when you've fallen off and all you can think about it how unfair it is. People get kicked while they're down, it's a fact of life. The longer it takes for you to realize that, the more time you'll spend on the ground being kicked instead of making progress.

On a completely seperate subject, I itch. My superhuman immunities have seemingly left me and I have both mosquito bites and poison ivy. I haven't had either of them in years!

Whatever. This week is full of opportunities that I can see and claim as long as I'm not too busy crying about myself. Peace and love.

Just a Dream

So I went home for a few days to help get the house ready for my perents getting back from China. I drove home all day Tuesday and worked all day Wednesday and today to get it done, but it was fun and interesting. I did some plumbing work because our toilet had sprung a leak, and I got it fixed (for now) which made me feel more like a man. I have to leave tomorrow. I never look forward to leaving when I'm home, but the cole mine calls.

Tuesday morning right before I woke up, in that state of mind where you know you're about to wake up, but not quite, I heard a voice. It was a woman's voice, very gentle, but very abrupt at the same time. I don't want to talk about what it said, other than I have been pretty discouraged for the past two days. I've been discouraged as to whether or not I should take it to heart, and if so, what does it mean for me? Maybe if it becomes more clear I might choose to elaborate, but right now I'm really just confused. So much has happened in just two days, and I've really enjoyed it. The more and more I progress in this life, the more and more I have learned to be thankful even for confusion and discouragement. I know that what challenges me now will somehow work for the good of my future. The Lord has always taken care of me even in my stubborness.

I guess I'll savor these last moments of being home before I head back to school. I always have a good deal to digest on that long car ride to Nashville. It'll be hard to sleep tonight, but go ahead and let it be hard. Just give me a good dream when I do finally fall asleep. Peace and love.

That's New

It's Sunday night, the end of the weekend. Time for me to mentaly prepare for tomorrow's work day. I'm not crazy about it, but I'll get it done, right? But the weekend was good and full of new things. Friday night we ate dinner with our lady neighbors at the house and then went bowling for a while. It's good to sometimes get away from the house with the guys and do something new. Yesterday I went with Chubbs to see a show at the French Quarter Cafe. It was French... but I forgive it. After that, we went back to the house and did a bit of a jam session both on the porch and in the practice room, followed by emptying a few rounds into some bb guns from the back porch. If that wasn't enough, we went to Cafe Coco with Stuffy to meet up with his lady Ashley who was in town with some of her co-counselors. We had a good time talking and carrying on, even though Matt and I were inquired upon as to whether or not we were "queer" by some really really gay guys. And yes, there are several stages of gay. There's the gay where you can't really tell just by looking. There's the gay where you can tell by body language. And then there's the gay that these guys were. They were almost transi gay. When I went to shake one of the guy's hands, he gave it to me as if I were going to kiss it... Obviously they didn't look at what we were wearing, otherwise they would have realized that we are sloppy, straight, very out of tune with affemanite nature, college guys. I guess it was just weird the way it happened because usually I don't mind gay guys all that much. I just don't like it when they probe at my sexual prefference.

So then this morning I ran sound at church for the first time with Matt and a guy named Dax. None of us had ever done it there before, but I feel pretty good about it. I knew my stuff well enough to not get stalled out on any of the tricky problems we faced. I'm pretty sure they'll ask us back, but again, it was just a good boost for me to see that my education actually does make me compitent in comparison to real professionals.

So now I guess I go on my rounds. Peace and love.

Today You Will Meet New People

It's been a rough couple of days lately. I haven't slept all that well for the past few nights, and on top of that, work has been a bit hectic. If I make it to tomorrow night, I'll be in good shape. It seems like the trend as of late is for me to meet lots of new people. That's what I was doing for most of the night, that is. Stuffy and I ate dinner and then went to an art exhibit at the church offices. The paintings were done by my mentor's daughter Sarah. I gotta say, they were pretty good. During that time there was much mingling. I met up with my pastor who mentioned to me that he had been in contacts with my brother-in-law Josh about church planting. I met one of my mentor's mentors, Jack. And I met an aquaintance of Stuffy's named Grace and a friend of hers named Ashley. When I got back to the house, Chubbs introduced me to the neighbors and their dogs. They have a golden retriever, so they're cool.

I don't know how much more of this heat I can take though. I just couldn't keep myself hydrated today so I started to stumble and fail at simple tasks due to partial brain failure. That's not good. I need to figure some way to keep the liquid in. I'll let you know when I figure something out. I'm really hoping for a storm tomorrow though. That would be great.

Funny how things work. I had so much that I wanted to say a little earlier. I was driving in my car and thinking to myself about all of life's humors and irony. I'm ready for bed though. I keep going back to it in full confidence, but to no avail this week. I might have to break out the sleeping pills. Actually... that doesn't sound like a half bad idea. Hope you all do well tomorrow. Don't die of heat stroke. Peace and love.

Moods

I'm in a mood right now. I don't know how to describe it so I'll do the best I can. I feel confused, maybe meloncholy, maybe heartbroken, maybe satisfied, but somehow none of those descriptions quite come together to paint how I actually feel. Am I growing? Nothing has been more certain. I was thinking tonight that maybe my growth has been inhibited for so long because I took on too much responsibility. I heard it said that being too busy is another form of lazyness. I've always been one to look at the horizon and thirst for it, to know what is there. Right now I'm thirsting more than ever. I think what is hurting me is the feeling of lonliness in my thirst. Stuffy helps me out a great deal because he struggles with similar things that I do, but not many other people in my life share their struggles anymore. I tend to blame laughter for that. It's easy to protect yourself by plugging a joke into a serious conversation and offsetting everyone else. I swear, it works like a charm and we're all really good at it. I'll grow though. What I said last night still rings clear in my head. I'm young. I don't think I have time to learn, but I do. Peace and love.