I'm in Arizona right now with Brian and Brandt. We've been cruzing around doing all sorts of stuff for the past two days. It's absolutely beautiful here. It's desert and cactus all around with the occasional bald mountain. Yesterday we hiked up Camel Back Mountain. Let me tell you, the Appalachain hiking trails have nothing on these mountains. That's not to say that these mountains are any taller, because they definitaly are more considerable as tall hills than mountains, but there are no restrictions on the type of trail you climb. We were climbing rock face with cliff on the other side. If you slip up, you die. That was alot of fun, especially wearing shoes with no tred. I was slippin and slidding all around, but I was never in any real danger (hehe). The weather is beautiful. It has been an unhumid consistant 70 degrees since I got here. Brian drives a Cadillac and we go with the windows down. It sorta makes me want a Cadillac to be honest. I forgot how roomy and smooth they are. I'm learning alot about the cactus here. There's that really tall thick cactus that you see alot in cartoons called the sajuara. They're protected because they only grow here in the Sonora desert. They actually weigh about a ton a piece because they're full of water and they have a wooden rib structure for reinforcement. Then there are the prickely pair cactus which are the bush like cactus that have the flat ovular chip leaves. Then there are the cholla cactus and the jumping cholla. The jumping cholla looks like it will literally jump off of its branch just to stab you with needles. They look like a twiggy bush covered with a fur of needles.
Last night we watched "The Grizzly Man". I don't really want to say too much about it other than it's hillarious if you don't assume that the man has serious psychological issues. Sometimes people are just really stupid, other times people are just really sick in the head. Oh, and the food here is glorious. After some authentic Mexican food today, I passed out for two and a half hours. I feel pretty good and pretty stress free. Talk to you later. Peace and Love.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Apply Pressure to Your Wounded Dreams
I just spent the entire day studying for a pre-calculus test tomorrow. Matt and I went to Wendy's for a few hours and then came back and got a bit of tutoring in. Now it's almost three in the morning. We've already decided to skip our 8 o'clock class to rest our brains, but the test will come. I feel ready to rise and meet it.
I watched "A Clockwork Orange" today for philosophy class. The philosophy behind it was interesting, and I know they were trying to make a valid point, but the movie was still disgusting. It's not a movie I would like to see twice. I think I'll write my midterm on "The Godfather" instead. Once this math test is done, I'll be able to focus more on that paper and get it out of the way, leaving the rest of the week to daydreaming. Just a few more days until Arizona.
I've been thinking for the past few days on how college seems to rob us of our passion and dreams. It brings you to a new reality that you will only amount to getting by. I find that education aims its pupils towards what is known and not towards what is unknown. You learn to become obediant and fall in line with the rest of the world. I see dying faces when I walk across campus, people who once had dreams but now have accepted their mediocre existences. I see that in myself, and I have written on it progressively several times. It's a theme that keeps returning year after year, stronger and stronger. I long for excitement and adventure more and more. I know now why it is that youth are prone to be activists. They don't want to believe that they are just a cog in a wheel so they grab hold of an ideal and fight for it in attempts to stay on top of the water instead of sinking to the bottom with the rest of them. And slowly education peels back each white-knuckled finger from their tight grip on the dreams they once viewed as pinnacle. Their arms are then wrapped around a job and security. So American education is a mystery book we pick up and read starting at kindergarten. Teachers work for years trying to convince us that we are so much more. College is the final chapter, a horrible end to such a bright beginning. I've always prefered writing over reading anyways.
Peace and love.
I watched "A Clockwork Orange" today for philosophy class. The philosophy behind it was interesting, and I know they were trying to make a valid point, but the movie was still disgusting. It's not a movie I would like to see twice. I think I'll write my midterm on "The Godfather" instead. Once this math test is done, I'll be able to focus more on that paper and get it out of the way, leaving the rest of the week to daydreaming. Just a few more days until Arizona.
I've been thinking for the past few days on how college seems to rob us of our passion and dreams. It brings you to a new reality that you will only amount to getting by. I find that education aims its pupils towards what is known and not towards what is unknown. You learn to become obediant and fall in line with the rest of the world. I see dying faces when I walk across campus, people who once had dreams but now have accepted their mediocre existences. I see that in myself, and I have written on it progressively several times. It's a theme that keeps returning year after year, stronger and stronger. I long for excitement and adventure more and more. I know now why it is that youth are prone to be activists. They don't want to believe that they are just a cog in a wheel so they grab hold of an ideal and fight for it in attempts to stay on top of the water instead of sinking to the bottom with the rest of them. And slowly education peels back each white-knuckled finger from their tight grip on the dreams they once viewed as pinnacle. Their arms are then wrapped around a job and security. So American education is a mystery book we pick up and read starting at kindergarten. Teachers work for years trying to convince us that we are so much more. College is the final chapter, a horrible end to such a bright beginning. I've always prefered writing over reading anyways.
Peace and love.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
A Moment
My body is tired right now, but no other part of me, so I suppose I will write until the rest follows suit or until I run out of things to say. Today was another one of those days where you can go outside and enjoy the weather and be at peace about life. And then, once you've been there for a while, you start to challenge yourself with deeper thoughts, defining thoughts. I've been going from one place to the next for the better part of the day. Some of it has been contemplating where my sense of humor has gone. I cherish silence and seriousness so much right now and I don't really know why. Some of it has been wasted on thinking about the distant past. That's not who I am or even who I could be, so why should I think about it? And then I started to think about self definition. I said something that I know I shouldn't have said as a result of my impatience. The verbal action I took as a result of my impatience was an action I'd like to reffer to vaguely as a "moment". It's a moment that very honestly reveals to you what you are. I could best associate it with that "moment" when an unconscious victim has cold water splashed in his face. It's a sharp awareness that teaches you something new, maybe good or bad, about yourself. I've been having alot of "moments" lately. I don't know where all of these lessons are pointed to, but it's best not to make suppositions, instead, you should simply keep yourself prepared.
Maybe I cherish silence and seriousness so much these days because it's something I don't have very often. My diet of food here consists of pizza and rootbeer almost every day, but when I was younger, pizza and rootbeer were greatly sought after. It seems to be the economic laws of supply and demand incorporated into the soul. I've noticed that here, everyone around me is always looking for the next joke, the next punchline so they can laugh. Why is that? From my own understanding and experience, I see it as a shield. At a more extreeme level, it's the same reason people get drunk or do drugs. It's a shield. And the automatic come-back from most people who partake in this laughing desperation is "you shouldn't take life so seriously." I disagree. Life is very serious and it is timed. We are fools if all we do is sit and laugh about it all of the time. We have no deep relationship. We simply fool ourselves into believing that the relationships we have are "deep". If you can't share your soul with a friend without them laughing about it, they are not your friends. If you don't feel comfortable around your friends unless you have enough alcohol on hand, they are not your friends. Some say friendship is relative. The only people who say that are the ones who have never experienced true selfless friendship. So throw out the bottle and throw out the humor. What is left? If anything is left it could well be considered friendship, all depth aside. But pressing for depth is a very desireable goal. Friends that pass the test of fire will help you endure life. Also, I've never heard the phrase "he laughed himself to life."
Peace and love.
Maybe I cherish silence and seriousness so much these days because it's something I don't have very often. My diet of food here consists of pizza and rootbeer almost every day, but when I was younger, pizza and rootbeer were greatly sought after. It seems to be the economic laws of supply and demand incorporated into the soul. I've noticed that here, everyone around me is always looking for the next joke, the next punchline so they can laugh. Why is that? From my own understanding and experience, I see it as a shield. At a more extreeme level, it's the same reason people get drunk or do drugs. It's a shield. And the automatic come-back from most people who partake in this laughing desperation is "you shouldn't take life so seriously." I disagree. Life is very serious and it is timed. We are fools if all we do is sit and laugh about it all of the time. We have no deep relationship. We simply fool ourselves into believing that the relationships we have are "deep". If you can't share your soul with a friend without them laughing about it, they are not your friends. If you don't feel comfortable around your friends unless you have enough alcohol on hand, they are not your friends. Some say friendship is relative. The only people who say that are the ones who have never experienced true selfless friendship. So throw out the bottle and throw out the humor. What is left? If anything is left it could well be considered friendship, all depth aside. But pressing for depth is a very desireable goal. Friends that pass the test of fire will help you endure life. Also, I've never heard the phrase "he laughed himself to life."
Peace and love.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Set to Confusion
The sun was out today and will be tomorrow. The warmer weather has been inspiring and spring break is only a week away. There are several things I must accomplish before I am to arrive in AZ, but I think I'll use the last bit of breath I have to push it out and then sit back and relax. That means that this weekend will be a little strenuous, but if I can work hard enough just this little while, I'll be relaxed for the rest of the week.
Wow, I'm thirsty right now. I'm thirsty and I'm tired. I don't know what I want to do. The waterfountain is all the way on the first floor, so that would mean that I would have to walk all of those stairs just to get there to a warm waterfountain... Who wants to do that? Not me. I'll look for another excuse to go down there.
I think I realized today just how socially worn out I am. I think it's the dorm life. I'm growing out of it. It just doesn't seem right for me anymore. Something new and less busy perhaps. I'm beginning to appreciate silence more and more these days.
And now I'm confused. It's all working out fine until out of the blue something changes and redirects your attention to a pure form that you missed because you were so intent on looking down the road. But now you're down the road and everything you were looking for is here and seems less appealing than what it did when you were younger. So you look back and notice something there that you didn't notice before. It's something that could have been and then wasn't and then is again, but not really. You loose grip confusing dreams for reality and reality for dreams back and forth like a small boat in stormy waters until the blurryness from your eyes melts the two immages together, neither of them seem right now, but one is. Are you confused? I am.
Peace and love.
Wow, I'm thirsty right now. I'm thirsty and I'm tired. I don't know what I want to do. The waterfountain is all the way on the first floor, so that would mean that I would have to walk all of those stairs just to get there to a warm waterfountain... Who wants to do that? Not me. I'll look for another excuse to go down there.
I think I realized today just how socially worn out I am. I think it's the dorm life. I'm growing out of it. It just doesn't seem right for me anymore. Something new and less busy perhaps. I'm beginning to appreciate silence more and more these days.
And now I'm confused. It's all working out fine until out of the blue something changes and redirects your attention to a pure form that you missed because you were so intent on looking down the road. But now you're down the road and everything you were looking for is here and seems less appealing than what it did when you were younger. So you look back and notice something there that you didn't notice before. It's something that could have been and then wasn't and then is again, but not really. You loose grip confusing dreams for reality and reality for dreams back and forth like a small boat in stormy waters until the blurryness from your eyes melts the two immages together, neither of them seem right now, but one is. Are you confused? I am.
Peace and love.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
My Brain Hurts
Calculus hurts my brain even on days that I don't have it. That's unfortunate. I've got bags under my eyes and pretty much every sign of stress that I can carry, but hey, I'm not dead, so that's good news! All of my muscles are puddy though...
What did I do today? Not what I set out to do, that's for sure. I ran alot of errands and worked the front desk. During that time I did manage to squeeze in an hour of the Cosby Show. I really like that show. Speaking of shows, the show tonight that I ran audio for was pretty good. I've found a fondness for running the light board, but I really would like more time behind the mixer. I think I really need to feel more confident in myself in that setting. There are so many eyes watching me, but I know what I'm doing and I forget that sometimes. I mean I've been running live sound for years and years. I just didn't know alot of the technical terms for things. I think it's also hard to be in a class of all different skill levels, but hey, now I know how the people who know more than I do feel.
I really want to get some time in the studio. I feel ready to put my music to the test. That's right. I'm actually going to put it out to the public and let them taste it for a little bit and see how they like it. I've always been afraid that people wouldn't like my music and in turn that's sorta saying that you don't like me. My music and I are one entity, though one lacks actual consciousness... that's right... I do... especially in calculus. But I'm rather optomistic right now. I've been writing a whole lot more and I think I can do something with it. I have to market it cleverly though or nobody will buy into it. I've got my ideas. That's really all I'm good at... ideas. Now if only I could find a way to motivate myself to pull off all of the ideas that I have. I bet I would be doing pretty well by now. I just loose interest so quickly. The initial rush of having a good idea is great, but then it takes actual hard work to pull off and that's when I get bored. I loose sight of the prize. Wow, I'm like that in several areas of my life now that I think about it.
But these days I'm staying up far too late. I really think most of my stresses are due to lack of sleep, but that is one thing consistant about college life. I do ever enjoy sleep though. I just wish it didn't have to end so abruptly in the morning. I wish my body didn't hurt so bad when I woke up. I wish my alarm clock wasn't so annoying. You know what I'm talking about. If you've ever seen those commercials where people start of their days. There's an alarmclock ringing and they slap it and hop right out of bed. My friends, there are two, maybe more, sounds in this world that will make a man's skin crawl. The first is the fingernails down the chalk board, and the second is the droning/screaming/pounding/ringing sound of an alarm clock pushing you through the back door of your dreams out into the cold wet gutter.
But all this talk of sleep and alarm clocks has got me falling in and out of consciousness so I will leave you now. Peace and love.
What did I do today? Not what I set out to do, that's for sure. I ran alot of errands and worked the front desk. During that time I did manage to squeeze in an hour of the Cosby Show. I really like that show. Speaking of shows, the show tonight that I ran audio for was pretty good. I've found a fondness for running the light board, but I really would like more time behind the mixer. I think I really need to feel more confident in myself in that setting. There are so many eyes watching me, but I know what I'm doing and I forget that sometimes. I mean I've been running live sound for years and years. I just didn't know alot of the technical terms for things. I think it's also hard to be in a class of all different skill levels, but hey, now I know how the people who know more than I do feel.
I really want to get some time in the studio. I feel ready to put my music to the test. That's right. I'm actually going to put it out to the public and let them taste it for a little bit and see how they like it. I've always been afraid that people wouldn't like my music and in turn that's sorta saying that you don't like me. My music and I are one entity, though one lacks actual consciousness... that's right... I do... especially in calculus. But I'm rather optomistic right now. I've been writing a whole lot more and I think I can do something with it. I have to market it cleverly though or nobody will buy into it. I've got my ideas. That's really all I'm good at... ideas. Now if only I could find a way to motivate myself to pull off all of the ideas that I have. I bet I would be doing pretty well by now. I just loose interest so quickly. The initial rush of having a good idea is great, but then it takes actual hard work to pull off and that's when I get bored. I loose sight of the prize. Wow, I'm like that in several areas of my life now that I think about it.
But these days I'm staying up far too late. I really think most of my stresses are due to lack of sleep, but that is one thing consistant about college life. I do ever enjoy sleep though. I just wish it didn't have to end so abruptly in the morning. I wish my body didn't hurt so bad when I woke up. I wish my alarm clock wasn't so annoying. You know what I'm talking about. If you've ever seen those commercials where people start of their days. There's an alarmclock ringing and they slap it and hop right out of bed. My friends, there are two, maybe more, sounds in this world that will make a man's skin crawl. The first is the fingernails down the chalk board, and the second is the droning/screaming/pounding/ringing sound of an alarm clock pushing you through the back door of your dreams out into the cold wet gutter.
But all this talk of sleep and alarm clocks has got me falling in and out of consciousness so I will leave you now. Peace and love.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Set Sail
Okay, I'll just do that then. I'll set my sail. I'll just let this stuff go and let the wind cary me where I should go. Today the sun came out and so did my optimism. It wasn't exactly an easy day, but then again, I didn't really have time to dwell on the stuff that has been bothering me.
Other than that... there's not too much to say. Oh, I did end up hanging at the house last night working with Matt on calculus. We worked on it for four hours and only got five problems done! What's that all about?!?
Well... I'm afraid I'm a bit short winded today. Peace and love.
Other than that... there's not too much to say. Oh, I did end up hanging at the house last night working with Matt on calculus. We worked on it for four hours and only got five problems done! What's that all about?!?
Well... I'm afraid I'm a bit short winded today. Peace and love.
Monday, February 20, 2006
A Pile of Rocks
The rocks just keep building up higher and higher. I can either be insensative or I can die under the weight. What do you do in a situtation like this? I finished building a calendar last night and it was reveiled to me just how much I have to do in a week. That's only the concrete, not to mention all of the things that come up as spur of the moment or even homework. And then there are personal things compiling on top of all of that. One thing after another after another. I know this always happens about this time in the semester, but the period between breaths always seems longer than the one before. I might not get a spring break this year, come to discover, but I have no right to be upset about that given the current sitation. I will just have to learn to reconstruct without having time to be at peace. God knows what the future holds. I haven't given up yet. Peace and love.
It's Difficult, but Worth the Time Spent
I have run into another brick wall, but this one is different from the others. I finally know what I must do, and though it is not what I would like, I have to pain through it. But as a result of my mentality this weekend, I've been blessed with several new songs. I just finished writing one that almost made me cry. It's in a very simple form right now, but I hope to make a better recording tomorrow. That actually makes two recorded songs in one weekend for me, which is outstanding. But I don't think I've ever written a song so powerful before. It's funny how simple it is, but how much it chills every part of my body when played. It's like an atmosphere comes out of it that can't be avoided. Even though I know I should work on some math tonight. I want to just sit and write more songs. I don't know what I'll do. I just can't believe those words came out of me...
Peace and love.
Peace and love.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Thoughts
Sometimes if you sit still long enough, things pop in to your head, new thoughts that have never come your way before. Sometimes they're good, and sometimes they're bad, and you never know when they will come and they always leave at the most inopportune times. I'd like to think that I'm pretty real with myself. I'm not happy all of the time and I'm also not sad all of the time because I'm honest with myself. I'm not perfect. That's not to say that people who are happy all of the time or sad all of the time aren't (real with themselves that is). That's just to say that I don't understand those people. But when thoughts come my way that convict me, I don't discard them. I analyze them to test their legitimacy. I want to understand the best I can who I am. Sometimes those thoughts hit me so hard that I can't be happy and when people try to cheer me up, it just makes it worse.
I can't figure out why I get hung up on the stuff that I do. I just keep going back and re-analyzing. Sometimes I feel like I could rekindle some hope. These times are so crazy. I guess tonight it hit me when the band that was plying at the show I was running sound for started talking about the subject and how it all worked out for them in the end. I just don't have that kind of hope. I do it to myself though. I dug this mindset for myself and now I don't feel like I could get out if I tried. I forgot to install an elevator... oops...
I've still got my sense of humor. That's helpful. I can just look out the window and laugh. My mind works like that. If my guard is down, it doesn't take much to throw my emotions from one side of the field to the other. Sunshine helps though. Tomorrow I won't be so fortunate to have the sun beaming down upon my head. It will be cloudy and rainy. Thanks Nashville.
I'm about ready for bed now. I had a weird dream last night. Several actually... now that I think about it. In one of them something hit me in the back of my head and knocked two teeth out of my mouth. I felt my gums where they were and found the teeth on the ground. One of them was broken into pieces, but I saved them both hoping that I could get to a dentist before they were permanently gone. I was also at this huge house with a spa and a swimming pool and a huge room with a finished stone floor and windows that stretched down to the ground. They looked like upside-down u's. Like this IUUUUUI only there were several more and they were on both sides. In the center of the far wall there was a huge stone fireplace. Then out of a door came a woman dressed in a white fur coat with stockings on and skin colored high heels. She had her brown shiny hair pulled back tightly and put in a bun. Over her eyes were large framed brown sunglasses. Her husband came with her. He had shoulder length two toned blond hair and a pinstripe suit on. They just walked into the room and posed in the middle. I remember thinking "how fake" and continued on with the dream.
Hope I have more of those... Peace and love.
I can't figure out why I get hung up on the stuff that I do. I just keep going back and re-analyzing. Sometimes I feel like I could rekindle some hope. These times are so crazy. I guess tonight it hit me when the band that was plying at the show I was running sound for started talking about the subject and how it all worked out for them in the end. I just don't have that kind of hope. I do it to myself though. I dug this mindset for myself and now I don't feel like I could get out if I tried. I forgot to install an elevator... oops...
I've still got my sense of humor. That's helpful. I can just look out the window and laugh. My mind works like that. If my guard is down, it doesn't take much to throw my emotions from one side of the field to the other. Sunshine helps though. Tomorrow I won't be so fortunate to have the sun beaming down upon my head. It will be cloudy and rainy. Thanks Nashville.
I'm about ready for bed now. I had a weird dream last night. Several actually... now that I think about it. In one of them something hit me in the back of my head and knocked two teeth out of my mouth. I felt my gums where they were and found the teeth on the ground. One of them was broken into pieces, but I saved them both hoping that I could get to a dentist before they were permanently gone. I was also at this huge house with a spa and a swimming pool and a huge room with a finished stone floor and windows that stretched down to the ground. They looked like upside-down u's. Like this IUUUUUI only there were several more and they were on both sides. In the center of the far wall there was a huge stone fireplace. Then out of a door came a woman dressed in a white fur coat with stockings on and skin colored high heels. She had her brown shiny hair pulled back tightly and put in a bun. Over her eyes were large framed brown sunglasses. Her husband came with her. He had shoulder length two toned blond hair and a pinstripe suit on. They just walked into the room and posed in the middle. I remember thinking "how fake" and continued on with the dream.
Hope I have more of those... Peace and love.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
I Need Rest Like Pretty Bad Yo
I am tired.
Let me introduce you to more of my friends. First off, we have The Viking.
He is fast and strong and over 2000 years old. That means he was down with Jesus... like seriously, they wrestled and stuff. The disciples thought Viking was crazy. Not much has changed. He's still pretty nuts. He lives at the house and likes frisbee and World of Warcraft and Harry Potter books. Some people call him Jeremy Stephens, but those some people had funerals on cold rainy days.
Next up we have Burly Mike. We just call him Burly though, and by this picture I hope you know why.
He's also livin at the house with the others. Burly has hair almost everywhere and can yell like a champ. He is what we college students call a "professional" in that he (and also Viking) have real jobs that pay real money. Way to go Burly. Oh, and I like milk. I keep it in my fridge sometimes... until it goes bad that is.
That's all for tonight I think. I've got more pictures, but I don't feel like posting them right now. I'm more interested in going to bed. The rest of the day from my first post was down hill. I started loosing consciousness at around 7 o'clock and I don't really remember much after that. I did go and pass out a bunch of our dorm Valentine's Day cards. I suppose I could show you that real quick... Actually... I'm not sure if that's going to work right now. Tell you what. I'll work on it at some point, but right now I'm going to bed. I look forward to tomorrow. Peace and love.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Slowly Slowly
I've finally slowed down enough today to be able to write shortly on the goings ons. Last night at about 2am I freaked out like CRAZY because when I looked at my syllibus for Philosophy it said that I missed a test that counted 25% of my grade last thursday because I felt like sleeping instead. The night was restless because you just can't sleep very well when that's the last bit of information you get before you hit the sheets.
When I woke up, I was crabby and running late. I managed to throw on a hat and some cloths and get to class only a minute late which is pretty good for waking up 10 minutes prior and having a five minute walk to class and still managing to brush my teeth before.
Then came philosophy. I got there still pretty nervous about the test only to find out that there was no test even in sight as far as the professor had announced. That was good news for me. I spent the rest of the class debating my professor as to why Utilitarianism is stupid. If pleasure = happiness = good and that an individual's persuite of such pleasure creates good for the whole then that means that murder and slavery are a-okay. There seems to be a problem with that equation to me.
Other than that, I'm pretty busy these days. I have my eyes fixed on spring break, but we'll see how soon that day arrives. Lots to do before then I'm afraid. Right now I'm going to rest before I have to go to the studio. I'm learning Pro-Tools techniques tonight. Last night, in preperation, I went down to the studio just to play on it for a while. I have alot to learn. But I have managed to write three new songs over the course of one hour over the weekend. One of them is already recorded and the other two are still in the final stages. I've just been to busy to pay them much attention. Here we go. I'm outta here. Won't be in till late late late tonight. Peace and love.
When I woke up, I was crabby and running late. I managed to throw on a hat and some cloths and get to class only a minute late which is pretty good for waking up 10 minutes prior and having a five minute walk to class and still managing to brush my teeth before.
Then came philosophy. I got there still pretty nervous about the test only to find out that there was no test even in sight as far as the professor had announced. That was good news for me. I spent the rest of the class debating my professor as to why Utilitarianism is stupid. If pleasure = happiness = good and that an individual's persuite of such pleasure creates good for the whole then that means that murder and slavery are a-okay. There seems to be a problem with that equation to me.
Other than that, I'm pretty busy these days. I have my eyes fixed on spring break, but we'll see how soon that day arrives. Lots to do before then I'm afraid. Right now I'm going to rest before I have to go to the studio. I'm learning Pro-Tools techniques tonight. Last night, in preperation, I went down to the studio just to play on it for a while. I have alot to learn. But I have managed to write three new songs over the course of one hour over the weekend. One of them is already recorded and the other two are still in the final stages. I've just been to busy to pay them much attention. Here we go. I'm outta here. Won't be in till late late late tonight. Peace and love.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Snow'd
Today was an interesting day. I spent most of it in the studio with Matt's family who came up to record. The songs were good and the session went very well, though it was rather long. I need to learn all I can while I have the opportunity. After college, I'm not neccissarily guarunteed a studio to work in and master.
It shouldn't suprise me, though, that I've been exhausted today. I was up so late last night. I went to a session that Matt and Stuffy were playing in and that Aaron was producing. After that we went to the house and had soup and watched tv. By the time the show was over and the soup was gone, it was 2:30 am. I started to go to bed, and then Burly got home. We ended up talking for a while about stuff. I was telling him how jaded and numb I've been feeling about certain stuff lately, but it's not depressing at all. He seems to think that I'll pull out of it and I seem to be feeling rather indifferent about it. In fact, I think the numbness has brought me to feel so good for the past few months. I don't know... I'm tired. I shouldn't be talking about stuff like this right now.
I do realize that I need some motivation pretty bad. I'm getting sucked in to that black hole that school does so well. I'm so busy that I feel like I'm on auto-pilot all the time. I think spring break will be good to get me back on my feet.
But it snowed today. I was glad to see it, though it wasn't much. There's something about the beauty of falling snow that is inspiring to me. I just went outside and stood in it for a while. I was the only one around and it was just quite with the street lights making it visible as it drifted down from the clouds. I do wish more of it had stuck, but this is Nashville and I have to get used to the fact that it doesn't really snow that much here ever. Speaking of which, when I went to the grocery store last night to pick up some food for the weekend it was packed! There were people there buying bread and milk and weeks worth of food for the "storm". I laughed because anyone who is familiar with snow and how freezing water works would know that anything that would have fallen last night or tonight wouldn't have stuck, and anything that did would have melted by the next day. The temperature here just bounces at such polar extreemes. Anyways, what were you planning on doing with all of that bread and especially all of that milk?
Now I suppose I should say my peace about Valentine's Day. I've been immersed in it for the past few days and it really makes me want to vomit on something new and clean. This is the only holiday that I refuse to take part in and will continue to do so. It just seems so completely shallow to me. "Hey, I think we need a day out of the year where we can do special stuff for the one we love!" Wow... great idea. It seems to me that it's completely based around girls. I don't know how it became that way, but it did, and now it victimizes them. They feel like if someone doesn't do something for them on Valentine's Day then there is something wrong with them. Do you recall my theory about this? I write at least two journals on it a year. Whatever. I think it would be inappropriate for me to discuss that theory right now. Plus, again, I'm tired. But to make things short, I'm sure it's great for the girls that have boyfriends, but that seems to be the only group of individuals that gets anything out of it. Guys have to pay an arm and a leg and plan like crazy to pull something off, so it's not a walk in the park for them, and it ESPECIALLY isn't cool for single girls. So I say let's get rid of it. Pretend that the day doesn't exist and make the majority feel good on what used to be Valentine's Day. Guys will save money, women won't have self examination crying parties with their other single girlfriends, and everyone will be awesome except for Hallmark and the Tissue Company. The only thing I really like about Valentine's Day is the heart candy. But it's not really the heart that does it for me. It could be in the shape of buttcheeks (if you turn them up-side-down, they are) and I would still like it. In Summary: Everybody chill out. Stop buying all of that cheezy crap. Girls, stop looking for reasons to feel like you suck. Guys, you don't have to wait for a day out of the year to do something special. Single guys, don't let em stick it to you when you don't really care. We can win in a state of apethy, but not if we have a bunch of you panzies walkin around being bitter. Nobody likes "that guy".
There. My peace on the holiday has been said. Now I shall go to... sleep. (I didn't want that to rhyme). Peace and love.
It shouldn't suprise me, though, that I've been exhausted today. I was up so late last night. I went to a session that Matt and Stuffy were playing in and that Aaron was producing. After that we went to the house and had soup and watched tv. By the time the show was over and the soup was gone, it was 2:30 am. I started to go to bed, and then Burly got home. We ended up talking for a while about stuff. I was telling him how jaded and numb I've been feeling about certain stuff lately, but it's not depressing at all. He seems to think that I'll pull out of it and I seem to be feeling rather indifferent about it. In fact, I think the numbness has brought me to feel so good for the past few months. I don't know... I'm tired. I shouldn't be talking about stuff like this right now.
I do realize that I need some motivation pretty bad. I'm getting sucked in to that black hole that school does so well. I'm so busy that I feel like I'm on auto-pilot all the time. I think spring break will be good to get me back on my feet.
But it snowed today. I was glad to see it, though it wasn't much. There's something about the beauty of falling snow that is inspiring to me. I just went outside and stood in it for a while. I was the only one around and it was just quite with the street lights making it visible as it drifted down from the clouds. I do wish more of it had stuck, but this is Nashville and I have to get used to the fact that it doesn't really snow that much here ever. Speaking of which, when I went to the grocery store last night to pick up some food for the weekend it was packed! There were people there buying bread and milk and weeks worth of food for the "storm". I laughed because anyone who is familiar with snow and how freezing water works would know that anything that would have fallen last night or tonight wouldn't have stuck, and anything that did would have melted by the next day. The temperature here just bounces at such polar extreemes. Anyways, what were you planning on doing with all of that bread and especially all of that milk?
Now I suppose I should say my peace about Valentine's Day. I've been immersed in it for the past few days and it really makes me want to vomit on something new and clean. This is the only holiday that I refuse to take part in and will continue to do so. It just seems so completely shallow to me. "Hey, I think we need a day out of the year where we can do special stuff for the one we love!" Wow... great idea. It seems to me that it's completely based around girls. I don't know how it became that way, but it did, and now it victimizes them. They feel like if someone doesn't do something for them on Valentine's Day then there is something wrong with them. Do you recall my theory about this? I write at least two journals on it a year. Whatever. I think it would be inappropriate for me to discuss that theory right now. Plus, again, I'm tired. But to make things short, I'm sure it's great for the girls that have boyfriends, but that seems to be the only group of individuals that gets anything out of it. Guys have to pay an arm and a leg and plan like crazy to pull something off, so it's not a walk in the park for them, and it ESPECIALLY isn't cool for single girls. So I say let's get rid of it. Pretend that the day doesn't exist and make the majority feel good on what used to be Valentine's Day. Guys will save money, women won't have self examination crying parties with their other single girlfriends, and everyone will be awesome except for Hallmark and the Tissue Company. The only thing I really like about Valentine's Day is the heart candy. But it's not really the heart that does it for me. It could be in the shape of buttcheeks (if you turn them up-side-down, they are) and I would still like it. In Summary: Everybody chill out. Stop buying all of that cheezy crap. Girls, stop looking for reasons to feel like you suck. Guys, you don't have to wait for a day out of the year to do something special. Single guys, don't let em stick it to you when you don't really care. We can win in a state of apethy, but not if we have a bunch of you panzies walkin around being bitter. Nobody likes "that guy".
There. My peace on the holiday has been said. Now I shall go to... sleep. (I didn't want that to rhyme). Peace and love.
Friday, February 10, 2006
What's This Cold?
It finally got cold... wow. My right hand, especially, has been cold lately. I don't know why that is. Maybe my muscles are just TOO BIG FOR BLOOD CIRCULATION ;p But leave it to Belmont to turn off the heat on one of the coldest days of the year. I tell you what, Pembroke gets the shaft far too often. Oh, and get this, our water fountains are still broken, but Belmont decided to install new exit signs through the building even though the older ones still worked. I guess they just didn't look as cool. But the water fountain is still at the bottom of the list. That is why, if it is not fixed by the end of next week, I am going to order the part and fix it my self. I already got ahold of the manufacturers of the waterfountain, and it won't be too expensive.
Oh, new friend to introduce. Everyone meet Aaron Proffitt "A.P."
A.P. is the RA guy that lives right below me on second floor. I try not to make too much noise... but I still do (hehe). He plays bass in the band along with Matt on drums and me on guitar and vocals. I think we have a show scheduled for April Fool's day. (Is it posessive fool or plural fool?) He, like Matt, is one of the original second floor group from freshman year (only he's a senior... a senior that will do, as we call, a victory lap next year). He really didn't like that picture because he thinks it detracts from an intelligent impression but TOO BAD... I'm using it anyways. The picture was taken down at the front desk... because that's where I've been working for the past two hours.
I had my RA interview today for re-hiring next year (not counting my chickens before they hatch). As I told the guys today, I still lack one huge piece of the puzzle that would allow me to live off campus next year... a job. But in the interview I was asked why I wanted to return as an RA. I said "I know this is a bad analogy, but I'm going to use it anyways. It's like Shawshank Redemption where the guy was let out of prison. I've been in this metaphorical prison for so long, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I got out." Then one of the RDs said "...Well... that guy ended up hanging himself..." so I looked at them with a serious face and said "... I want you to think about that then..." It's a good thing they knew me and my sense of humor and knew that I was joking. They laughed about it, so I think I'll get re-hired.
Oh, I skipped a class this morning. I was too tired so I caught up on my sleep. I also managed to get to the airport to finalize my tickets to Arizona. Brain, I'm coming, so be ready.
The suprisingly best part of the day was math class. We had a sub fill in for our regular because she was out of town. But this sub was refreshing. She was good because she was synical. She new she was teaching us garbage, but she taught us anyways. That's what I needed. I needed to see that synical math learners can succeed. Now I have motivation to keep going. But not only that, she managed to teach in a manner that I understood. Yay!
Well... I'm out. Peace and love.
Oh, new friend to introduce. Everyone meet Aaron Proffitt "A.P."
A.P. is the RA guy that lives right below me on second floor. I try not to make too much noise... but I still do (hehe). He plays bass in the band along with Matt on drums and me on guitar and vocals. I think we have a show scheduled for April Fool's day. (Is it posessive fool or plural fool?) He, like Matt, is one of the original second floor group from freshman year (only he's a senior... a senior that will do, as we call, a victory lap next year). He really didn't like that picture because he thinks it detracts from an intelligent impression but TOO BAD... I'm using it anyways. The picture was taken down at the front desk... because that's where I've been working for the past two hours.
I had my RA interview today for re-hiring next year (not counting my chickens before they hatch). As I told the guys today, I still lack one huge piece of the puzzle that would allow me to live off campus next year... a job. But in the interview I was asked why I wanted to return as an RA. I said "I know this is a bad analogy, but I'm going to use it anyways. It's like Shawshank Redemption where the guy was let out of prison. I've been in this metaphorical prison for so long, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I got out." Then one of the RDs said "...Well... that guy ended up hanging himself..." so I looked at them with a serious face and said "... I want you to think about that then..." It's a good thing they knew me and my sense of humor and knew that I was joking. They laughed about it, so I think I'll get re-hired.
Oh, I skipped a class this morning. I was too tired so I caught up on my sleep. I also managed to get to the airport to finalize my tickets to Arizona. Brain, I'm coming, so be ready.
The suprisingly best part of the day was math class. We had a sub fill in for our regular because she was out of town. But this sub was refreshing. She was good because she was synical. She new she was teaching us garbage, but she taught us anyways. That's what I needed. I needed to see that synical math learners can succeed. Now I have motivation to keep going. But not only that, she managed to teach in a manner that I understood. Yay!
Well... I'm out. Peace and love.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
A Day of Technological Discovery
I'm still on a quest to discover my new computer's full potential. I've been working alot with it today. other than that, I did most of what I set out to do. Not much action going on here though. Lots of the same ol same ol. My neck feels like it's sunburned right now which is weird, but whatever.
Wow, I've realized that my journals just keep getting shorter and shorter. I've been going through a very dry spell. I also think I've been more proned to keeping my thoughts to myself lately. I don't know what my deal is. Well... I do, but I should probably just write that in my private journal.
I think the biggest thing is that I could totally use more sleep. I think that would bring me into a level of smoother efficiency. Speaking of efficiency, I have a management test tomorrow that I haven't started studying for yet. I don't feel nervous about it though. I think management is common sense stuff. I actually have a hard time paying attention in class because it just clicks for me. That's not to say that I'd make a great manager yet... maybe someday, but I like working the bottom lines for now. I think that's the best way to learn how to lead.
And another day has come to pass. I'll talk tomorrow maybe with more to say. Peace and love.
Wow, I've realized that my journals just keep getting shorter and shorter. I've been going through a very dry spell. I also think I've been more proned to keeping my thoughts to myself lately. I don't know what my deal is. Well... I do, but I should probably just write that in my private journal.
I think the biggest thing is that I could totally use more sleep. I think that would bring me into a level of smoother efficiency. Speaking of efficiency, I have a management test tomorrow that I haven't started studying for yet. I don't feel nervous about it though. I think management is common sense stuff. I actually have a hard time paying attention in class because it just clicks for me. That's not to say that I'd make a great manager yet... maybe someday, but I like working the bottom lines for now. I think that's the best way to learn how to lead.
And another day has come to pass. I'll talk tomorrow maybe with more to say. Peace and love.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
What's This Button Do?
Well... where was this picture taken and why. I shall tell you. It was taken in my room from my... new computer! I'm so excited. This thing runs like a dream! and I don't know what to do with all of this extra space. What I'm going to have to work on, though, is this new keyboard. It doesn't have the "clack clack clack" key noise that used to lul me into passivity. It's also very soft and dainty and small. Basically typing feels very weird right now, but that's okay, because this is a Mac and not a PC!
So I'll be including more pictures in my post now. I can slowly introduce you to my friends as they come over so you can finally see what some of them look like. And by the way... let me introduce you to my friend Matt.
Matt, everybody. Everybody, Matt. Matt hangs around Pembroke frequently, working the desk, and furthering the world in long haired excellence. He is a drummer/bass player from SC and likes to hunt, play music, and be beaten by the rest of the guys for no good reason what so ever. Now you know... and knowing is half the battle (G.I. JOEEEEEEEEEEE)
But anyways, today I tried to go to the airport to get my ticket exchanged, but the ticket desks were already closed, so I'll be going in again tomorrow to try once more. Viking went with me tonight though. He was tellin me about riding his bike to and from work. Bikes are fun.
Now I shall sleep because today I was dog tired the entire duration. I might find a day soon where I can just sleep in and not have to worry about anything, but that might be a while. Anyways, peace and love.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Before Midnight
I've come to understand another facet of why I hate math so much. I am the product of abusive math teachers. That's not to say that math teachers physically beat me in school. I remember math teachers all throughout my school going years would yell at me, embarrass me in class, and get very annoyed with me whenever I asked a question. I was always slower at math than the other kids. Now whenever I have a question in math class, I keep it to myself. I just can't get over that possibility of being yelled at and embarrassed in front of everyone. That's pretty weird considering that I don't really get stage fright easily. I've goofed up infront of thousands of people and I still go back for more. Weird how that works.
Today was pretty fast. I finally turned in my ticket voucher for a round trip to Arizona over spring break. I'm going to visit Brian and Mary and see part of the country that I've never seen before. I'm really looking forward to it.
Hah, it's funny. Right now I want to talk about so much, but I just don't have anything to say. I mean, I could talk alot without having anything to say, we all know that, but I just feel slightly small right now. Maybe my mouth could stand to close for a while and my ears could stand to open. Sometimes I just lack the patience. It also might have to do with the large amounts of self-confusion I'm enduring right now. The past always seems to come up as an issue at the wrong times. Maybe tomorrow I'll find some clarity. Peace and love.
Today was pretty fast. I finally turned in my ticket voucher for a round trip to Arizona over spring break. I'm going to visit Brian and Mary and see part of the country that I've never seen before. I'm really looking forward to it.
Hah, it's funny. Right now I want to talk about so much, but I just don't have anything to say. I mean, I could talk alot without having anything to say, we all know that, but I just feel slightly small right now. Maybe my mouth could stand to close for a while and my ears could stand to open. Sometimes I just lack the patience. It also might have to do with the large amounts of self-confusion I'm enduring right now. The past always seems to come up as an issue at the wrong times. Maybe tomorrow I'll find some clarity. Peace and love.
Monday, February 06, 2006
When It Comes, I Will Smile
The weekend is over, and it was a rather rough weekend to be had. I mean I had some good times, but I came to realize how complicated some of my difficulties are... more complicated than I would have ever given them credit. It all seemed to spill out last night while driving back from the house with Stuffy. It came out in complete raw honesty that even threw him back a few steps. So when I got back to my room I just turned off my light and played my guitar, trying to write something depicting accurately how I felt, but then not being able to. The emotion just left all of the sudden as if it had never been there in the first place, but I didn't want it to leave. I wanted it to stay so I could figure it out. I felt rather ripped off because I felt like I was making headway but then it just vanished into nothingness. I felt like a blank tape, so I went to sleep.
This morning I woke up still feeling emotionless. I went to church and sat on the floor in the back. I like sitting on the floor. But the whole service I sat there and thought about what it was that I said the night before. I came to understand it in a weird sort of way, as if part of me knew about it, but the other part wasn't paying any attention. But I did look around the congregation for a while. I realized in that moment that there were 500 plus people providing a comfortable distance for me from the pastor. Maybe I should rephraze that. There were 500 plus excuses providing a comfortable distance for me from the pastor... but then I got to thinking. That's a sword that cuts both ways. There are also 500 plus individuals between him and one person. What would happen if just two men were put in one room with the same things to say that were on both of our minds? What would be accomplished and what would be destroyed? The thought alone makes me feel uncomfortable, but maybe it should. Too many people walk through the doors of the church looking for someone to blame for their lack of growth or for their failures, but it's all mental. None of those people fight back. It's the same reason why we feel so at ease to exhert rage against someone who serves us injustice on the road. They don't fight back... most of the time... you're safe in your car aren't you? You're safe in your mind aren't you? And the answer came to me that yes, I am saddened by the state of the church. So many people stand in those buildings who wouldn't be there if someone wasn't going to think ill of them if they weren't. But am I a problem or a solution? I do not find neutral grounds in such an affair.
I understand now one of the reason why we are to rejoice in persecution. Persecution is not a curse at all. It is a refining fire that yeilds devotion and sincerity and does away with social agendas. To put it simply, it helps you make up your mind as to who you serve.
But tonight was a wonderful cap on the weekend. It was good company, good fellowship, and a relatively decent football game. I haven't seen the group that unpressured and relaxed in a long time, and it was a nice change of pace. I also got to help fix the guys' toilet and put up some decorations in their house to bring it together. We also finally put up the "Ye Olde Pembroke" sign in front of the house. It really brings it together. Now all that's between me and a good day tomorrow is calculus homework. Hope you all are doing well. Peace and love.
This morning I woke up still feeling emotionless. I went to church and sat on the floor in the back. I like sitting on the floor. But the whole service I sat there and thought about what it was that I said the night before. I came to understand it in a weird sort of way, as if part of me knew about it, but the other part wasn't paying any attention. But I did look around the congregation for a while. I realized in that moment that there were 500 plus people providing a comfortable distance for me from the pastor. Maybe I should rephraze that. There were 500 plus excuses providing a comfortable distance for me from the pastor... but then I got to thinking. That's a sword that cuts both ways. There are also 500 plus individuals between him and one person. What would happen if just two men were put in one room with the same things to say that were on both of our minds? What would be accomplished and what would be destroyed? The thought alone makes me feel uncomfortable, but maybe it should. Too many people walk through the doors of the church looking for someone to blame for their lack of growth or for their failures, but it's all mental. None of those people fight back. It's the same reason why we feel so at ease to exhert rage against someone who serves us injustice on the road. They don't fight back... most of the time... you're safe in your car aren't you? You're safe in your mind aren't you? And the answer came to me that yes, I am saddened by the state of the church. So many people stand in those buildings who wouldn't be there if someone wasn't going to think ill of them if they weren't. But am I a problem or a solution? I do not find neutral grounds in such an affair.
I understand now one of the reason why we are to rejoice in persecution. Persecution is not a curse at all. It is a refining fire that yeilds devotion and sincerity and does away with social agendas. To put it simply, it helps you make up your mind as to who you serve.
But tonight was a wonderful cap on the weekend. It was good company, good fellowship, and a relatively decent football game. I haven't seen the group that unpressured and relaxed in a long time, and it was a nice change of pace. I also got to help fix the guys' toilet and put up some decorations in their house to bring it together. We also finally put up the "Ye Olde Pembroke" sign in front of the house. It really brings it together. Now all that's between me and a good day tomorrow is calculus homework. Hope you all are doing well. Peace and love.
Friday, February 03, 2006
A Black Streak on a Runway
And then there was the math test. All of my highs in life this week met their fatal end at the hands of a seemingly impossible calculus test that took all the wind out of my sails. Now I feel completely burned out. Into the introvert we go, when we come out, nobody knows.
I really just want to be in the quiet for a little while so I can recollect. My idea of a good time right now would be a movie, some good food, a couple of beers, and close friends. Grrr... but I hate feeling like this because I know others depend on me, and letting them down only makes me feel worse. Vicious cycle? Maybe.
But I worked out most of my agression in the gym today. Maybe I worked myself a little too hard because now I have absolutely zero energy left. So now I'm going to go get something to eat and work the desk for a few hours. That should be fun... Maybe I'll play some old video games or something. An activity that involves no thought would be ideal. Well... hope you all have a splendid weekend. Peace and love.
I really just want to be in the quiet for a little while so I can recollect. My idea of a good time right now would be a movie, some good food, a couple of beers, and close friends. Grrr... but I hate feeling like this because I know others depend on me, and letting them down only makes me feel worse. Vicious cycle? Maybe.
But I worked out most of my agression in the gym today. Maybe I worked myself a little too hard because now I have absolutely zero energy left. So now I'm going to go get something to eat and work the desk for a few hours. That should be fun... Maybe I'll play some old video games or something. An activity that involves no thought would be ideal. Well... hope you all have a splendid weekend. Peace and love.
Pressure Gage
I must say that the past few days have been rather pressured, but it all comes down to tomorrow. I'd probably feel ten times better if I didn't have a calculus test in the way.
But tonight was the PMA vs. SAI recital and I played "Helplessly Lovely", one of the songs I wrote. three of the judges had nothing to say except for my shirt clashin with my guitar and that I was chewing gum. Whatever. The two judges that mattered liked it and told me they were very impressed to hear such music come from a non music major. That made me happy.
Matt and I then tried to study calculus, but before that we made egg drop soup, and then we sat down and realized that we both have an equal level of discouragement when it comes to the subject, so we didn't get much done. I'm going to try my best to study tomorrow, but we'll see how much I can retain.
Other than that, I don't have much to put down. I probably will this weekend, and who knows... maybe the sun will come out and brighten things up a bit. I hate clouds :(.
Peace and love.
But tonight was the PMA vs. SAI recital and I played "Helplessly Lovely", one of the songs I wrote. three of the judges had nothing to say except for my shirt clashin with my guitar and that I was chewing gum. Whatever. The two judges that mattered liked it and told me they were very impressed to hear such music come from a non music major. That made me happy.
Matt and I then tried to study calculus, but before that we made egg drop soup, and then we sat down and realized that we both have an equal level of discouragement when it comes to the subject, so we didn't get much done. I'm going to try my best to study tomorrow, but we'll see how much I can retain.
Other than that, I don't have much to put down. I probably will this weekend, and who knows... maybe the sun will come out and brighten things up a bit. I hate clouds :(.
Peace and love.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
So Amazing
I can't begin to describe the feeling I had throughout the day. I was met with all sorts of different negativities, but it just rolled off as if I were just some waxed surface of optimism. I feel full of something good, something God sent that I can't really describe. Maybe I finally have the courage to move forward. But today just seemed like all of the right things were happening, not just for me, but for the people around me. One of my friends finally talked to a special someone, and it went really well for him. I was really pulling for him, so I'm glad it worked out.
My room is a mess, much like my obligations, but strangely enough, it's not effecting my mood at all. I'll probably do some cleaning tomorrow, maybe some organizing on top of that. Who knows... I might even get a little help from my buddy Frank Sinatra. See, I clean, dance, and lip sync while Frank sings. That's pretty much how it works, if you didn't already know.
I was over at the house tonight and had a good conversation with Burly as we were the only ones there for a while. I got to talk a little bit about my past, which I don't do too often. It's nice to have an actual person listen every once in a while. I mean, this journal is great and all, but it's not everything. And anyways, I feel like I've gotten to know Burly alot better in just this past year. We never really used to have much deep discussion, but now it's more of a frequent thing. On my way back though, I saw the remnants of a horrible accident that the police were trying to clean up. There was a collision between a car and an SUV both involving student aged people. There was debris everywhere and the SUV was up-side-down in the middle of the road. It's funny how fast people my age can look like decently self-managed adults one minute, and scared shaking little children in the face of trauma the next. I immagine life was casual for them a few minutes before, but when I saw them they were sitting on the curb huddled over with wide tearful eyes watching the police secure the area. I wanted to stop and help in fear that they might have been Belmont students, but I didn't have my phone with me, so even if I did, I would have just gotten in the way, not to mention that the police probably wouldn't have let a complete stranger approach the scene.
That's always sobering. You can think you know everything. All of your theology and philosophy is worked out the right way and then calamity strikes. You transform from a "civilized" and "cultured" human being into a wounded animal. I think of that because in philosophy class this morning there was a heated argument among the class. I say argument and not debate because you don't bring attitude to debate, you bring evidence. This argument went on and even though I felt strongly for one side, I didn't say very much. As soon as I spoke I could tell that the atmosphere wasn't one of acceptance, so I just sat there and smiled to my self thinking how silly all of it seemed. People were arguing and making enemies over a class discussion that has essentially been debated for the better part of the century. If there was one "right" that everyone could have agreed on, it would be more likely that someone of age and wisdom would have figured it out and presented it already, not us unexperienced "know-it-all" "damn college students" as Jimmy would say. So I sat there for the rest of the class and secured my beliefs around the subject and left content and unflustered. I would just bet that the argument had by several of those students this morning, and the philosophy that they were taught, would have meant absolutely jack crap if they were in the situation of the wreck victims tonight.
And to lull myself to sleep tonight, I shall get quite, maybe do some reading, and prepare my mind for tomorrow. I've been having a really good dream series this week, so I'm sorta excited to get back to sleep and see if I have another good one. Peace and love.
My room is a mess, much like my obligations, but strangely enough, it's not effecting my mood at all. I'll probably do some cleaning tomorrow, maybe some organizing on top of that. Who knows... I might even get a little help from my buddy Frank Sinatra. See, I clean, dance, and lip sync while Frank sings. That's pretty much how it works, if you didn't already know.
I was over at the house tonight and had a good conversation with Burly as we were the only ones there for a while. I got to talk a little bit about my past, which I don't do too often. It's nice to have an actual person listen every once in a while. I mean, this journal is great and all, but it's not everything. And anyways, I feel like I've gotten to know Burly alot better in just this past year. We never really used to have much deep discussion, but now it's more of a frequent thing. On my way back though, I saw the remnants of a horrible accident that the police were trying to clean up. There was a collision between a car and an SUV both involving student aged people. There was debris everywhere and the SUV was up-side-down in the middle of the road. It's funny how fast people my age can look like decently self-managed adults one minute, and scared shaking little children in the face of trauma the next. I immagine life was casual for them a few minutes before, but when I saw them they were sitting on the curb huddled over with wide tearful eyes watching the police secure the area. I wanted to stop and help in fear that they might have been Belmont students, but I didn't have my phone with me, so even if I did, I would have just gotten in the way, not to mention that the police probably wouldn't have let a complete stranger approach the scene.
That's always sobering. You can think you know everything. All of your theology and philosophy is worked out the right way and then calamity strikes. You transform from a "civilized" and "cultured" human being into a wounded animal. I think of that because in philosophy class this morning there was a heated argument among the class. I say argument and not debate because you don't bring attitude to debate, you bring evidence. This argument went on and even though I felt strongly for one side, I didn't say very much. As soon as I spoke I could tell that the atmosphere wasn't one of acceptance, so I just sat there and smiled to my self thinking how silly all of it seemed. People were arguing and making enemies over a class discussion that has essentially been debated for the better part of the century. If there was one "right" that everyone could have agreed on, it would be more likely that someone of age and wisdom would have figured it out and presented it already, not us unexperienced "know-it-all" "damn college students" as Jimmy would say. So I sat there for the rest of the class and secured my beliefs around the subject and left content and unflustered. I would just bet that the argument had by several of those students this morning, and the philosophy that they were taught, would have meant absolutely jack crap if they were in the situation of the wreck victims tonight.
And to lull myself to sleep tonight, I shall get quite, maybe do some reading, and prepare my mind for tomorrow. I've been having a really good dream series this week, so I'm sorta excited to get back to sleep and see if I have another good one. Peace and love.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Oh NO... Almost Tuesday
Mmmm... the taste of day-old microwaved pizza on my tongue after a long walk in the cold... that's a good feeling. I just got back from Stuffy's place where Shandus and I watched Kung Fu Hustle. Good movie, good times.
I guess I'll tell my "today" story in reverse. Before the movie, I was working a show, covering for Matt, at the Curb. The show went relatively well, but I could stand some improvement.
Before that, I was at Playground waiting around to help Chubbs for several hours, but we just never got to it. It's because the client stayed two hours longer than they should have. The artist that was there recording was evidently an American Idol contestant recording a record. But anyways, while I was there I felt it a good opportunity to bounce a few business ideas off of Jimmy. He had some good advice.
Before that, I sat in math class and questioned my existence.
Before that I worked the desk and talk to Matt about my new ideas for our business, and he gave me some of his.
Before that I went banking to look for people who would finance me to get some new equipment.
Before that I was in bed dreaming about something that I don't really remember.
So that was my day from finish to beginning. Right now I think I'm going to finish my pizza, get a drink of water, and get some shut eye. Oh, but before I go, I'm gunna show you the computer I'm thinking about getting for my studio. It's here so take a look if you want. Other than that. Peace and love.
I guess I'll tell my "today" story in reverse. Before the movie, I was working a show, covering for Matt, at the Curb. The show went relatively well, but I could stand some improvement.
Before that, I was at Playground waiting around to help Chubbs for several hours, but we just never got to it. It's because the client stayed two hours longer than they should have. The artist that was there recording was evidently an American Idol contestant recording a record. But anyways, while I was there I felt it a good opportunity to bounce a few business ideas off of Jimmy. He had some good advice.
Before that, I sat in math class and questioned my existence.
Before that I worked the desk and talk to Matt about my new ideas for our business, and he gave me some of his.
Before that I went banking to look for people who would finance me to get some new equipment.
Before that I was in bed dreaming about something that I don't really remember.
So that was my day from finish to beginning. Right now I think I'm going to finish my pizza, get a drink of water, and get some shut eye. Oh, but before I go, I'm gunna show you the computer I'm thinking about getting for my studio. It's here so take a look if you want. Other than that. Peace and love.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Business Mode
I've had the most amazing breakthrough in drive and determination for the past few days. Though my sinuses are still rather stuffed up, I've been piecing together the essential components to start up a beginner level studio that I can learn more on than my hobbiest studio I have now. There are a few components missing from the picture like how exactly I will finance it, but it's all coming together and I'm having fun in the process.
Speaking of which, last night I had this great idea for a business I could start. I'm not giving anything away online, but I've already talked to some guys and they seem pretty comitted just as long as I can smooth out the road for them to pave. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but this is a pretty original idea, but obvious if you think about it. I call it my "pet rock" idea. If it works, I could be making $300,000 a year minimum at 25% of the income! But before that gets here, I've got alot of research, planning, and inquiry to do to make things nice, legal, and concrete. Even if it doesn't work, It'll be a great learning experience.
And lastly, let me tell you about today. It was a great day. The weather was beautiful. The church message really struck home. We went out for lunch and it didn't make me sick. We played frisbee and football in the park for a few hours. I blueprinted out my business plans (atleast 1/8th of them) and I helped Chubbs out at the studio and he taught me some new stuff.
Good day.
Now I have to go to bed because in the morning I plan on getting back started on this business thing and my studio research. After that I still have a bit of homework to finalize, so I'll be pretty busy all day tomorrow. Peace and love.
Speaking of which, last night I had this great idea for a business I could start. I'm not giving anything away online, but I've already talked to some guys and they seem pretty comitted just as long as I can smooth out the road for them to pave. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but this is a pretty original idea, but obvious if you think about it. I call it my "pet rock" idea. If it works, I could be making $300,000 a year minimum at 25% of the income! But before that gets here, I've got alot of research, planning, and inquiry to do to make things nice, legal, and concrete. Even if it doesn't work, It'll be a great learning experience.
And lastly, let me tell you about today. It was a great day. The weather was beautiful. The church message really struck home. We went out for lunch and it didn't make me sick. We played frisbee and football in the park for a few hours. I blueprinted out my business plans (atleast 1/8th of them) and I helped Chubbs out at the studio and he taught me some new stuff.
Good day.
Now I have to go to bed because in the morning I plan on getting back started on this business thing and my studio research. After that I still have a bit of homework to finalize, so I'll be pretty busy all day tomorrow. Peace and love.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Don't Overcontemplate
I'm working out all sorts of details right now, trying to figure out how I can get the most out of my education before I graduate and am cast out on my own to this ravenous world. It's a slightly interesting slightly depressing truth to face, but in many ways it's like jumping into a pool. You can sit there and dip your toe in and feel the temperature and pace back and forth across the deck preparing yourself to face the waters... or you could just jump in and do it. I guess there's just a point of overpreperation to where you loose the joy of it and it becomes stressful and an issue of control. I want the adventure. I want to make mistakes and learn how to get out of them because that, to me, is an interesting and worth while experience. Just remember to secure your water wings if you don't quite know how to swim yet.
I'm feeling slightly on the sick side right now. I'm pretty sure I can blame the extreme temperatures for that. It was in the 20's yesterday and today it was in the mid 50's. I can't take these crazy fluctuations for long. Grrrr sickness.
Musically right now I am at a loss. I just want some word, some lyric to put down on paper that I can look at and feel satisfied with. It is so aggrivating to not be able to write because it makes me feel like my feelings aren't strong enough to transduce into art. I just want to make something beautiful, but my artistic self feels rather numb right now.
So I lean back in my black leather chair and look around my room hoping that my eye will catch something that offers inspiration... No such luck. Maybe I should get ready for bed. I am pretty tired, and it is 2:30 in the morning... but I'm still slightly hungry. So I walk over to my couch and grab the bread and peanut butter that I bought tonight on a Walmart run. A personal trainer (not mine, I'm too poor) named Trung told me that I need to eat lots of peanutbutter and white bread if I hope to gain any weight. That sounds fair. I reach behind myself and reach for the lowest drawer of my dresser where lies my pantry. I open it to grab a butter knife. I open the bread bag and take out two pieces. Next comes the peanutbutter jar... "Great Value creamy peanut butter" with evidently 0 grams of trans fat. Wow... I'm really glad about that (sarcasm). Unscrew the lid and take that silver sealer off the top to reveal... a smooth top layer of peanutbutter. I feel kinda bad to destroy it, but my hunger is a mighty force of motivation. There we go... consider it destroyed. I now spread on the peanutbutter as evenly as I can. The first bite... pretty good. Why I am narrarating my eating experience... I don't know.
I'm gunna watch the tv box before I go to bed. Peace and love.
I'm feeling slightly on the sick side right now. I'm pretty sure I can blame the extreme temperatures for that. It was in the 20's yesterday and today it was in the mid 50's. I can't take these crazy fluctuations for long. Grrrr sickness.
Musically right now I am at a loss. I just want some word, some lyric to put down on paper that I can look at and feel satisfied with. It is so aggrivating to not be able to write because it makes me feel like my feelings aren't strong enough to transduce into art. I just want to make something beautiful, but my artistic self feels rather numb right now.
So I lean back in my black leather chair and look around my room hoping that my eye will catch something that offers inspiration... No such luck. Maybe I should get ready for bed. I am pretty tired, and it is 2:30 in the morning... but I'm still slightly hungry. So I walk over to my couch and grab the bread and peanut butter that I bought tonight on a Walmart run. A personal trainer (not mine, I'm too poor) named Trung told me that I need to eat lots of peanutbutter and white bread if I hope to gain any weight. That sounds fair. I reach behind myself and reach for the lowest drawer of my dresser where lies my pantry. I open it to grab a butter knife. I open the bread bag and take out two pieces. Next comes the peanutbutter jar... "Great Value creamy peanut butter" with evidently 0 grams of trans fat. Wow... I'm really glad about that (sarcasm). Unscrew the lid and take that silver sealer off the top to reveal... a smooth top layer of peanutbutter. I feel kinda bad to destroy it, but my hunger is a mighty force of motivation. There we go... consider it destroyed. I now spread on the peanutbutter as evenly as I can. The first bite... pretty good. Why I am narrarating my eating experience... I don't know.
I'm gunna watch the tv box before I go to bed. Peace and love.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
When I Can Think Straight, I'll Let You Know
I woke up this morning with an amazing charge of energy but with a soar throat. I only got five hours of sleep, but it seems that five hours is enough for me... except for my throat. But I started my day with my handy dandy list of things to do along my side. Suprisingly enough I got most of it done. That's a first! It felt good to get so much done in one day. I was on top of the world until about 5 o'clock. That's when I went to work out. Thy gym was so crowded I managed to still work out but I had to change up my routine a bit to handle the flow of traffic. I ended up working myself into a delerium. I have to work harder and harder to see results these days. When I got out of there I went to the parking garage to run stairs. After that... my mind just went down hill. I haven't been able to think straight since. I'm having a hard time completing coherant sentences and a worse than usual time spelling and typing. On top of that, I feel like I'm coming down with something now. I feel slightly nausiated and my throat still hurts.
Oh, but when I got back and took my shower, Mitch comes in and asked me if I was on duty... Evidently I was and just didn't know about it because the RD on duty was downstairs looking for me. He wasn't mad or anything, and atleast I was in the building, but still. I really just want to go to sleep, but I can't until 11. While I wait for that to roll around, I'll be studying calculus with Matt. Evidently we have a quiz tomorrow... I'm not going to say anything about it because I'm trying to be positive about it all. I really think being positive is the only thing that's going to give me an up at college. Otherwise I will just end up being devoured by every negative situation that comes my way... and let me tell you... there are alot of them. But here we go. Matt is waiting for me downstairs because I told him I was going to go get my math books, but I guess I just took the scenic rout. Peace and love.
Oh, but when I got back and took my shower, Mitch comes in and asked me if I was on duty... Evidently I was and just didn't know about it because the RD on duty was downstairs looking for me. He wasn't mad or anything, and atleast I was in the building, but still. I really just want to go to sleep, but I can't until 11. While I wait for that to roll around, I'll be studying calculus with Matt. Evidently we have a quiz tomorrow... I'm not going to say anything about it because I'm trying to be positive about it all. I really think being positive is the only thing that's going to give me an up at college. Otherwise I will just end up being devoured by every negative situation that comes my way... and let me tell you... there are alot of them. But here we go. Matt is waiting for me downstairs because I told him I was going to go get my math books, but I guess I just took the scenic rout. Peace and love.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
I'm So Awkward
Yeah, so for the past few days I haven't really been myself around most people. I feel awkward for some reason, and I'm not sure exactly why. I could take a few guesses I suppose. Let's see... I've met alot of new people in and out of class for the past few weeks and so I haven't quite made a groove yet. I'm pulling pretty strange hours and trying to get a feel for the norm. I'm in the midst of a great deal of re-evaluations pertaining to specific areas of my life. It could be any number of things. Maybe I just need some time to unwind a little bit, who knows. Or it could be that I'm just going through one of my introverted stages, but usually that involves some form of self pitty, which I haven't felt in quite some time now. I guess I'll just wait it out and see what happens.
I do know that my memory feels like it has been erased... atleast in relationship to audio information. I feel so lost in my classes, especially in my upper level Recording Engineer class at Oceanway. Everyone else seems so knowledgeable and proficient with the equipment and I still have questions as to how they work. I'm trying to harness that as a learning opportunity and not beat myself up about it, but it isn't easy. I'm just going to have to study overtime.
And MAN my shoes stink! Something bad happened to them last night because they smelled fine yesterday but this morning when I woke up they smelled horrible. I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and just buy new shoes. These were so faithful though, and they've been all around the world with me. It will be a shame to have to retire them.
Ahh... so they must have turned the heat back on today. The clanking pipes is a dead give-away. And speaking of which, yesterday I cleaned out my airconditioner because it was absolutely full of dust and I even went to the lengths of creating a contraption to sit in my AC so that I could put my broken filter back in when I was done cleaning it. Well... I come back from class this morning and I have a note under my door that says that maintenance came by and... cleaned my airconditioner. I ran to check to see if my little invention survived the intrusion... but no... I will just have to make another one :(
They clean out our AC... but the waterfountain has been broken for over a year now... That just doesn't seem right to me.
Oh! Funny thing happened last night. I was over at the Pembroke House and we were going to watch our show in Vikings room. Anyways, as he was setting up his tv, he picked up to coaxil cables to connect them and shocked himself with enough electricity that it flipped the circuit breaker. While the breaker was off we plugged everything back in and set up a bunker of chairs and pillows in front of the tv because we were worried that it was going to explode when we cut the power back on... So then we flipped the switch, but the electricity was still so screwed up that we couldn't get the switch to flip until we unplugged the tv. Crazy how that works, but probably all for the better. I think I'm going to open that tv up and try to fix it.
Well, I've got a bit of stuff to do in the morning, so I'll be heading off to bed now. Hope all is well where you reside. Peace and love.
I do know that my memory feels like it has been erased... atleast in relationship to audio information. I feel so lost in my classes, especially in my upper level Recording Engineer class at Oceanway. Everyone else seems so knowledgeable and proficient with the equipment and I still have questions as to how they work. I'm trying to harness that as a learning opportunity and not beat myself up about it, but it isn't easy. I'm just going to have to study overtime.
And MAN my shoes stink! Something bad happened to them last night because they smelled fine yesterday but this morning when I woke up they smelled horrible. I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and just buy new shoes. These were so faithful though, and they've been all around the world with me. It will be a shame to have to retire them.
Ahh... so they must have turned the heat back on today. The clanking pipes is a dead give-away. And speaking of which, yesterday I cleaned out my airconditioner because it was absolutely full of dust and I even went to the lengths of creating a contraption to sit in my AC so that I could put my broken filter back in when I was done cleaning it. Well... I come back from class this morning and I have a note under my door that says that maintenance came by and... cleaned my airconditioner. I ran to check to see if my little invention survived the intrusion... but no... I will just have to make another one :(
They clean out our AC... but the waterfountain has been broken for over a year now... That just doesn't seem right to me.
Oh! Funny thing happened last night. I was over at the Pembroke House and we were going to watch our show in Vikings room. Anyways, as he was setting up his tv, he picked up to coaxil cables to connect them and shocked himself with enough electricity that it flipped the circuit breaker. While the breaker was off we plugged everything back in and set up a bunker of chairs and pillows in front of the tv because we were worried that it was going to explode when we cut the power back on... So then we flipped the switch, but the electricity was still so screwed up that we couldn't get the switch to flip until we unplugged the tv. Crazy how that works, but probably all for the better. I think I'm going to open that tv up and try to fix it.
Well, I've got a bit of stuff to do in the morning, so I'll be heading off to bed now. Hope all is well where you reside. Peace and love.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
To My Understanding
In light of recent situations, I felt compelled to rummage through some of my old journals today. I wanted to better understand the people around me, so I thought what better way to understand them than to first understand myself. It is all about the focal point. Where do your eyes rest at the end of the day? Last year I had an unwarrented stint of depression that did last the majority of that year. As depression and dealing with others has been the recent issue, I decided to look back on my journal entries to try and understand my train of thought. I can't believe how much I have changed since then. It is phenomenal the difference of who I was at the beginning of last year and who I am now.
But what did I learn? Well, composition wise, I had very well developed composition when I first started. I was speaking to an audience where as now I tend to write as if I were simply thinking to myself. The focal point was different as well. Then I tended to write more about interesting aspects of the day. Thoughts of wisdom were also a regular topic of conversation, and rarely did I ever get emotional and divulge my secrets to the open air. And then came the episode that furled me into a lowly state. My entries began to turn from a source of information to others to an emotional spillway for me. I no longer cared about what people read just as long as I got to speak my mind. I focused on what bothered me and who. I began to break simple rules in public writing like not revealing information about third parties and so on and so forth. At the end of the day I focused on my weaknesses and for the longest time I allowed that to rule my way of life.
Now what I would like to say, and until I read through these journals I was convinced of, is that I am fully recovered from that. This is not true. The war may have subsided and become memory, but just as Russia spent decades in attempts to recover from World War II, so I am still rebuilding from all the self-inflicted damage incurred from last years episode.
What differences do I see? I see myself as more hardened. I am more poised, alert, and defensive when dealing with the company of women. At the same time, I have little fear of injury and am more likely to act upon simple interests instead of thinking them through as I did before. I am jaded, but I see that as more of a result of my working position than my private emotional life. My morality has suffered and I make allowance for things which I scorned before. I made the mistake of catagorizing them as big and small. Small things won't hurt... but any experienced human being knows that small allowances lead to larger ones. I allowed for society to whisper into my ear that only shallow people strive for purity.
What keeps me hopeful? Though some bad has come of it, I see this time as essential in my life. I must learn these boundaries. I am the fool that can be told that an iron is hot, but in my view that is not knowledge. It is only knowledge by the experience of touching that hot iron and feeling it burn my skin. I am not sorry for being this way except for the ones who worry about me. I can understand that it is not easy to watch a friend or family member juggle knives, but if that is how strength and passage are finalized then God be with you. But then I have also made this assesment. The ones before us who guide us through were here before, just as we are. And just as sure as they lost their baby teeth, they went through these woods and tripped over a few roots along the way. Unfortunately, though they can teach by experience to an extent, the woods must be traveled alone, only unlike them, I am blessed in that I see where this all leads for me, and I am not afraid.
Now I shall go and watch the Panthers fight against the Seahawks. Peace and love.
But what did I learn? Well, composition wise, I had very well developed composition when I first started. I was speaking to an audience where as now I tend to write as if I were simply thinking to myself. The focal point was different as well. Then I tended to write more about interesting aspects of the day. Thoughts of wisdom were also a regular topic of conversation, and rarely did I ever get emotional and divulge my secrets to the open air. And then came the episode that furled me into a lowly state. My entries began to turn from a source of information to others to an emotional spillway for me. I no longer cared about what people read just as long as I got to speak my mind. I focused on what bothered me and who. I began to break simple rules in public writing like not revealing information about third parties and so on and so forth. At the end of the day I focused on my weaknesses and for the longest time I allowed that to rule my way of life.
Now what I would like to say, and until I read through these journals I was convinced of, is that I am fully recovered from that. This is not true. The war may have subsided and become memory, but just as Russia spent decades in attempts to recover from World War II, so I am still rebuilding from all the self-inflicted damage incurred from last years episode.
What differences do I see? I see myself as more hardened. I am more poised, alert, and defensive when dealing with the company of women. At the same time, I have little fear of injury and am more likely to act upon simple interests instead of thinking them through as I did before. I am jaded, but I see that as more of a result of my working position than my private emotional life. My morality has suffered and I make allowance for things which I scorned before. I made the mistake of catagorizing them as big and small. Small things won't hurt... but any experienced human being knows that small allowances lead to larger ones. I allowed for society to whisper into my ear that only shallow people strive for purity.
What keeps me hopeful? Though some bad has come of it, I see this time as essential in my life. I must learn these boundaries. I am the fool that can be told that an iron is hot, but in my view that is not knowledge. It is only knowledge by the experience of touching that hot iron and feeling it burn my skin. I am not sorry for being this way except for the ones who worry about me. I can understand that it is not easy to watch a friend or family member juggle knives, but if that is how strength and passage are finalized then God be with you. But then I have also made this assesment. The ones before us who guide us through were here before, just as we are. And just as sure as they lost their baby teeth, they went through these woods and tripped over a few roots along the way. Unfortunately, though they can teach by experience to an extent, the woods must be traveled alone, only unlike them, I am blessed in that I see where this all leads for me, and I am not afraid.
Now I shall go and watch the Panthers fight against the Seahawks. Peace and love.
News
- My toe is NOT broken
- I worked on sound crew for my FIRST showcase all day today (tiring but good exp.)
- I've modified my comments section to sift through spam (don't worry, you'll be fine)
- I danced to swing and rag-time tonight (that was fun)
- My legs hurt like crazy!
- The Panthers play the Seahawks tomorrow so Zach and I will be foes for a short while
- I'm already falling behind on several obligations
- I'm NOT going to let that bring me down
- I am going to stop writing this journal and write some music before I go to bed.
- Peace and <3
- I worked on sound crew for my FIRST showcase all day today (tiring but good exp.)
- I've modified my comments section to sift through spam (don't worry, you'll be fine)
- I danced to swing and rag-time tonight (that was fun)
- My legs hurt like crazy!
- The Panthers play the Seahawks tomorrow so Zach and I will be foes for a short while
- I'm already falling behind on several obligations
- I'm NOT going to let that bring me down
- I am going to stop writing this journal and write some music before I go to bed.
- Peace and <3
Friday, January 20, 2006
Get into the Electricity
Nathan... wake up.
Wake up Nathan...
Nathan... Get up.
Nathan, GET OUT OF BED!
(POUND POUND POUND)
I left that world of no boundaries and opened my eyes. They were stiff and hard to open and I sat there contemplating falling back into my covers as I waited for my eyes to adjust well enough to see the time on my microwave on the other side of the room. But then there's that ficus tree in my corner that always seems to block just a bit of the glowing green numbers, so I'm always having to maneuver my head ever so slightly to get a better look. It was cold outside of my comfortable bed, but I do that on purpose, and as I rolled out of my security and onto the thin blue-green carpeted floor, I knew what it was that I had to do. Mitch was on the other side of the door, and I knew this. The clock assured me that it was 7 am, though I still had a hard time believing it. I unlached the deadbolt and eased the door open to see him standing there dressed in his workout cloths.
"Let's do it."
He said as I let him in to wait for me to get myself together. Mornings and I never settled well and I finally figured out why. While most people's heart rate goes down into the 60's, maybe 50's when they sleep... mine tends to rest in the lower 30's. That means when I wake up... I'm literally barely alive. My joints are all soar and my muscles are stiff. But alas, I managed to collect the bare essentials and we headed off to the gym. It was there that I think I broke my big toe. That's not to say that my toe is broken and I'm not quite sure where it happened. I pride myself in not doing drugs. What I mean by that is that my toe may or may not be broken. I will have to feel this one out for the next few days. What I DID was drop a 45lb plate on it. I didn't jump, or react in any sharp manner. I was too tired. Instead I picked up the weight, put it on the bar as I initially intended, and then looked around and silently thought about how much my toe hurt.
Mitch was convinced, when we were through, that we would be full of energy for the rest of the day, but I wasn't sure. It turns out that I was right atleast about myself as I ended up taking three individual naps at different parts of the day. I never sleep that much.
But the toe injury and the soar legs really didn't keep me from enjoying this beautiful day. It was warm and sunny and I wore a smile for most of it. Viking and Stuffy and I ended up playing frisbee for a while, and it hurt, but it's also frisbee. After that we got takeout, Burly came over, and we, including Matt, sat at the front desk and watched our anime tv series.
Right now I'm listening to some new electronic music that I made tonight. It's pretty simple, but I'm just getting started. I'm hoping to get good enough to incorporate some of it in my song writing, maybe even good enough to do it live. That would be crazy. But for now I just enjoy making beats and adding music to it for a quick pick-me-up. Tomorrow will be interesting. I have a meeting at 1:30 instead of going to class. I then have to work a showcase for the next two days after that. The showcase should proove interesting with an injured foot, but I love challenge. I won't really get a weekend, but whatever. I have enough days off during the week as it is. Peace and love.
Wake up Nathan...
Nathan... Get up.
Nathan, GET OUT OF BED!
(POUND POUND POUND)
I left that world of no boundaries and opened my eyes. They were stiff and hard to open and I sat there contemplating falling back into my covers as I waited for my eyes to adjust well enough to see the time on my microwave on the other side of the room. But then there's that ficus tree in my corner that always seems to block just a bit of the glowing green numbers, so I'm always having to maneuver my head ever so slightly to get a better look. It was cold outside of my comfortable bed, but I do that on purpose, and as I rolled out of my security and onto the thin blue-green carpeted floor, I knew what it was that I had to do. Mitch was on the other side of the door, and I knew this. The clock assured me that it was 7 am, though I still had a hard time believing it. I unlached the deadbolt and eased the door open to see him standing there dressed in his workout cloths.
"Let's do it."
He said as I let him in to wait for me to get myself together. Mornings and I never settled well and I finally figured out why. While most people's heart rate goes down into the 60's, maybe 50's when they sleep... mine tends to rest in the lower 30's. That means when I wake up... I'm literally barely alive. My joints are all soar and my muscles are stiff. But alas, I managed to collect the bare essentials and we headed off to the gym. It was there that I think I broke my big toe. That's not to say that my toe is broken and I'm not quite sure where it happened. I pride myself in not doing drugs. What I mean by that is that my toe may or may not be broken. I will have to feel this one out for the next few days. What I DID was drop a 45lb plate on it. I didn't jump, or react in any sharp manner. I was too tired. Instead I picked up the weight, put it on the bar as I initially intended, and then looked around and silently thought about how much my toe hurt.
Mitch was convinced, when we were through, that we would be full of energy for the rest of the day, but I wasn't sure. It turns out that I was right atleast about myself as I ended up taking three individual naps at different parts of the day. I never sleep that much.
But the toe injury and the soar legs really didn't keep me from enjoying this beautiful day. It was warm and sunny and I wore a smile for most of it. Viking and Stuffy and I ended up playing frisbee for a while, and it hurt, but it's also frisbee. After that we got takeout, Burly came over, and we, including Matt, sat at the front desk and watched our anime tv series.
Right now I'm listening to some new electronic music that I made tonight. It's pretty simple, but I'm just getting started. I'm hoping to get good enough to incorporate some of it in my song writing, maybe even good enough to do it live. That would be crazy. But for now I just enjoy making beats and adding music to it for a quick pick-me-up. Tomorrow will be interesting. I have a meeting at 1:30 instead of going to class. I then have to work a showcase for the next two days after that. The showcase should proove interesting with an injured foot, but I love challenge. I won't really get a weekend, but whatever. I have enough days off during the week as it is. Peace and love.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Accidental Eye Contact...That's the Worst
I would say today was, overall, a successful day. I feel like I'm moving in a very positive direction. Sometimes I think God allows us to go through these periods of self reflection to see just how far we've come. So I'm currently looking from a bird's eye view and feeling satisfaction but still a need to move forward.
I gave a speech tonight at the RA "meet and greet". It was on what my life has been like as an RA, and it really made me think about it and feel pretty satisfied about where this job has taken me.
After the meet and greet I went to tear down a show in the Curb. We were working and all of the poeple from the show were slowly trickling out. Then, out of the corner of my eye, who should I see. None other than the girl who I was interested in that all of the sudden disappeared from the face of the earth. We both accidentaly made eye contact if but for a millisecond. It was enough to bring out my not so appealing side and enough for her to split within the blink of an eye. I'm not justified in feeling this way. I didn't really know her that well, but it all just goes to show that I'm ill prepared. I know I shouldn't get defensive about stuff like that, but I don't know how to handle it like the general majority. I can't just shrug and smile, but I think I'm learning. I guess this is just where I have to cast my personal rights out the window because that's the only way I'm going to feel good about that situation. That and time.
Now other than that I feel pretty good. I'm ready to start pushing harder on my workouts and I still feel pretty content. Have a blessed day tomorrow. Peace and love.
I gave a speech tonight at the RA "meet and greet". It was on what my life has been like as an RA, and it really made me think about it and feel pretty satisfied about where this job has taken me.
After the meet and greet I went to tear down a show in the Curb. We were working and all of the poeple from the show were slowly trickling out. Then, out of the corner of my eye, who should I see. None other than the girl who I was interested in that all of the sudden disappeared from the face of the earth. We both accidentaly made eye contact if but for a millisecond. It was enough to bring out my not so appealing side and enough for her to split within the blink of an eye. I'm not justified in feeling this way. I didn't really know her that well, but it all just goes to show that I'm ill prepared. I know I shouldn't get defensive about stuff like that, but I don't know how to handle it like the general majority. I can't just shrug and smile, but I think I'm learning. I guess this is just where I have to cast my personal rights out the window because that's the only way I'm going to feel good about that situation. That and time.
Now other than that I feel pretty good. I'm ready to start pushing harder on my workouts and I still feel pretty content. Have a blessed day tomorrow. Peace and love.
Hot Chocolate
Wow, what a day! Tuesday is my craziest day of the week. I have five classes and a meeting every tuesday and between that I try to squeeze in some workout time and maybe, if I'm lucky, a power nap. I feel pretty good though. It was raining all day, but that didn't even get me down, and hey, it eventually turned to the most beautiful snow.
The best news though is that Chubbs gets to keep his job! That is a true answer to prayer, and I'm very glad for him. Tomorrow I'm going to study and play music, but for now I'm going to drink hot chocolate and watch a movie until I feel the urge to sleep. Peace and love.
The best news though is that Chubbs gets to keep his job! That is a true answer to prayer, and I'm very glad for him. Tomorrow I'm going to study and play music, but for now I'm going to drink hot chocolate and watch a movie until I feel the urge to sleep. Peace and love.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Steady
I once had a conversation with a friend about the struggles we were both enduring. I said that I wished I was where they were because that would be my ideal environment to grow in, especially spiritually. They then brought a new thought to my mind. Could it be possible that God placed me in the true ideal environment for my growth? Sure there have been points where I haven't been comfortable, but growth is always a painful process. Sometimes it is hard to picture the final product. You take a rough stone from the mud, clean it, run it through days upon days of wearing and grinding and tumbling. Some time later you pick it up and hold it to the light to watch it shimmer. It now has immense value where before it was nothing but potentially valuable. For me, college is that tumbler. I am out of control being tossed and turned and grinded upon. I really can't see, now, how any of this will develope for the better, but I am confident that a day will come.
But it is funny to me how much and what I worry about. As much as I criticize those who constantly thirst for some sort of drama, whether internal or external, I sure do seem to find pleanty of my own. It is as if we don't feel like our lives are enough. We have to take drugs to make them something more, something that they are not. I was reading Aristotle today and I would bet that he would strongly disagree with such persuits. He would suggest that happiness, unless divinely blessed, can be somewhat aquired in a life of virtue, honor, and brave action. He said that action is the key. You do not grant awards to olympians for looking like the best or talking themselves up the most, but only those who take the most perfect action will win the medal. So I have a personal conviction to perform my day to day life as an honorable and virtuous man without worry. Saved by grace, yes, but granted a free ride through the difficulties of life, no. I still have to face tough decisions and circumsances each day just like the next guy. So, will I be honorable, or will I try to make my life feel more exciting?
As for the weekend, it was relaxing and pleasurable. I'm glad the Panthers beat the Bears, but either Zach or I will loose sleep next weekend when the Panthers meet up with the Sea Hawks. I'm looking forward to it. Oh, I also got to meet new people these past few days. I've really been in want of meeting new folks, so I'm glad for that. Tonight was a "return to work" call. Matt came over and we cooked. I made steak and angel hair pasta with a butter garlic sauce and a side of green beans. It was probably the best and suprisingly cheapest meal I ever made. I ate all of it though... which was alot. We then worked on calculus for a while until we were both too frustrated to continue. And as scared to death as I am of calculus and all math in general, I am going to have a positive outlook on this semester and work as hard as I can to bring it to a successful completion.
Musically, I'm at a standstill. I don't quite feel inspired, but I'm going to try and train myself out of this funk and do some serious new stuff.
As for my fridge... I am pretty sure that the immortal funk that has resided in there for a better part of a semester has now assimilated into a ghost that insists on clunking and clanking around at all hours of the night. But asside from the noise and stale stench, the fridge still does its job well.
And now I shall close. I hope God teaches you all something new this week. Take it in stride. Peace and love.
But it is funny to me how much and what I worry about. As much as I criticize those who constantly thirst for some sort of drama, whether internal or external, I sure do seem to find pleanty of my own. It is as if we don't feel like our lives are enough. We have to take drugs to make them something more, something that they are not. I was reading Aristotle today and I would bet that he would strongly disagree with such persuits. He would suggest that happiness, unless divinely blessed, can be somewhat aquired in a life of virtue, honor, and brave action. He said that action is the key. You do not grant awards to olympians for looking like the best or talking themselves up the most, but only those who take the most perfect action will win the medal. So I have a personal conviction to perform my day to day life as an honorable and virtuous man without worry. Saved by grace, yes, but granted a free ride through the difficulties of life, no. I still have to face tough decisions and circumsances each day just like the next guy. So, will I be honorable, or will I try to make my life feel more exciting?
As for the weekend, it was relaxing and pleasurable. I'm glad the Panthers beat the Bears, but either Zach or I will loose sleep next weekend when the Panthers meet up with the Sea Hawks. I'm looking forward to it. Oh, I also got to meet new people these past few days. I've really been in want of meeting new folks, so I'm glad for that. Tonight was a "return to work" call. Matt came over and we cooked. I made steak and angel hair pasta with a butter garlic sauce and a side of green beans. It was probably the best and suprisingly cheapest meal I ever made. I ate all of it though... which was alot. We then worked on calculus for a while until we were both too frustrated to continue. And as scared to death as I am of calculus and all math in general, I am going to have a positive outlook on this semester and work as hard as I can to bring it to a successful completion.
Musically, I'm at a standstill. I don't quite feel inspired, but I'm going to try and train myself out of this funk and do some serious new stuff.
As for my fridge... I am pretty sure that the immortal funk that has resided in there for a better part of a semester has now assimilated into a ghost that insists on clunking and clanking around at all hours of the night. But asside from the noise and stale stench, the fridge still does its job well.
And now I shall close. I hope God teaches you all something new this week. Take it in stride. Peace and love.
Friday, January 13, 2006
The Fight Begins
I have met calculous today and sized him up and... he looks pretty tough, like I might not get out without a few black eyes and broken ribs. My other classes seem pretty neat though and I'm especially interested in philosophy and my audio courses.
Cameron helped me out with the pictures I need for my modeling interview tomorrow though. You can check out more of his stuff at http://www.riverrockmediagroup.com
I was reading a book last night that really called me out on feeling sorry for myself and my situations. It is so easy to surrender to a bad mindset every day. It doesn't take much. But to be positive and happy really takes hard work. I knew a girl like that last year, and for the longest time it really bothered me that she was always so positive. I thought that there was so much horrible stuff going on in both the physical and spiritual, why should anyone be really happy all the time? Anyone who is like that can't have a strong grasp on reality. After all, she seemed really well guarded emotionally on top of that, so I thought it as a crutch, a method to hide her true feelings from everyone around her.
So I misjudged her. Now I have a great respect for her, but of course, a bit too late. She's not here anymore and when she left I was still REALLY self-absorbed. I hate it that I insist on learning things even at the expense of others. I'd like to think that we could have been pretty good friends given that I could have been a little bit more wise. I'm sure she holds nothing against me though. She's too pure hearted for that, which is another reason I respect her so much.
Ahh... but I'm talking about the past again. I shouldn't do that as much as I do, but I think I do because it's easy to control. Thinking about the future isn't very fun because you don't know what's going to happen, so you're not in control. Thinking about the past on the other hand is more enticing because you already know what happened and you can control what you're thinking about. Does that make sense? Yeah... probably not.
Oh well, I'm going to bed because even though I don't have class tomorrow, that doesn't mean that I don't have lots to do. Peace and love everybody!
Cameron helped me out with the pictures I need for my modeling interview tomorrow though. You can check out more of his stuff at http://www.riverrockmediagroup.com
I was reading a book last night that really called me out on feeling sorry for myself and my situations. It is so easy to surrender to a bad mindset every day. It doesn't take much. But to be positive and happy really takes hard work. I knew a girl like that last year, and for the longest time it really bothered me that she was always so positive. I thought that there was so much horrible stuff going on in both the physical and spiritual, why should anyone be really happy all the time? Anyone who is like that can't have a strong grasp on reality. After all, she seemed really well guarded emotionally on top of that, so I thought it as a crutch, a method to hide her true feelings from everyone around her.
So I misjudged her. Now I have a great respect for her, but of course, a bit too late. She's not here anymore and when she left I was still REALLY self-absorbed. I hate it that I insist on learning things even at the expense of others. I'd like to think that we could have been pretty good friends given that I could have been a little bit more wise. I'm sure she holds nothing against me though. She's too pure hearted for that, which is another reason I respect her so much.
Ahh... but I'm talking about the past again. I shouldn't do that as much as I do, but I think I do because it's easy to control. Thinking about the future isn't very fun because you don't know what's going to happen, so you're not in control. Thinking about the past on the other hand is more enticing because you already know what happened and you can control what you're thinking about. Does that make sense? Yeah... probably not.
Oh well, I'm going to bed because even though I don't have class tomorrow, that doesn't mean that I don't have lots to do. Peace and love everybody!
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
The Garden
I waited a while to go to dinner tonight with the guys. I'm still in this funk, faced with something I can't identify and it bothers me. I haven't had much to say for the past few days, and everything seems rather serious, but I've had my fair share of laughter lately. Dinner was good, but I was bothered by all of the noise for some reason. I think it's because I couldn't isolate all of the conversations in the room and just pay attention to one. The funny part was when we had to leave though. I had to use the bathroom so bad, but I was going to wait until I reached to solitude of Pembroke before I went down that road. After waiting almost an hour, I have never had to use the bathroom so bad in my life. I don't think it to be appropriate to share a new record on my journal, but I'll let it rest at you knowing that there was most definately one set.
Last night I expressed a lack of knowing what to do today with all of my free time. I'd like to say I was extremely productive, but I wasn't. I did the whole workout thing, but most people don't really consider that to be productivity unless it is coupled with several other activities. I was the first to work the desk this semester which is an accomplishment that would probably give an elementary student a sense of achievement like being at the front of the line, but working the desk really has no luster at all. What I DID do was look for a secondary job, and I may have found one. As funny as this sounds (because this is completely not in my nature)I am going in for an interview at a modeling agency. I figure it might be a little extra cash in the wallet.
I really want to write some music and I just can't. I'll sit and write and write and write and nothing comes out so all I can really do is try and write some more. I think Nashville puts an artistic fog over my brain. I can't think creatively because everyone's a critic. I lack the confidence that anyone here would enjoy the music I make, so I sit on it and keep it for myself. What a waste. I'm determined to get over that and to get over what other people think and really work hard at getting my music out there. I'm just curious to see what happens.
Other than that, I really have nothing more to say. I'm working on trying to wiggle out of the mud right now and until then I'm not going to seem very interesting. I really just need to get over this unhealthy obsession with struggle and sit back in my chair, maybe watch life go by like clouds... or traffic. I could stop complaining about adversity. I could do great things. I could meet new people. I could be a strength to others instead of consistantly self-absorbed. Here's to the new semester! Be strong and patient. Seek true spiritual wisdom and live like you've never been hurt by the ones you love. Peace and love.
Last night I expressed a lack of knowing what to do today with all of my free time. I'd like to say I was extremely productive, but I wasn't. I did the whole workout thing, but most people don't really consider that to be productivity unless it is coupled with several other activities. I was the first to work the desk this semester which is an accomplishment that would probably give an elementary student a sense of achievement like being at the front of the line, but working the desk really has no luster at all. What I DID do was look for a secondary job, and I may have found one. As funny as this sounds (because this is completely not in my nature)I am going in for an interview at a modeling agency. I figure it might be a little extra cash in the wallet.
I really want to write some music and I just can't. I'll sit and write and write and write and nothing comes out so all I can really do is try and write some more. I think Nashville puts an artistic fog over my brain. I can't think creatively because everyone's a critic. I lack the confidence that anyone here would enjoy the music I make, so I sit on it and keep it for myself. What a waste. I'm determined to get over that and to get over what other people think and really work hard at getting my music out there. I'm just curious to see what happens.
Other than that, I really have nothing more to say. I'm working on trying to wiggle out of the mud right now and until then I'm not going to seem very interesting. I really just need to get over this unhealthy obsession with struggle and sit back in my chair, maybe watch life go by like clouds... or traffic. I could stop complaining about adversity. I could do great things. I could meet new people. I could be a strength to others instead of consistantly self-absorbed. Here's to the new semester! Be strong and patient. Seek true spiritual wisdom and live like you've never been hurt by the ones you love. Peace and love.
I Feel Gross
I just walked away from a recording and I got NOTHING DONE! I HATE that! I feel gross now so I need to do something high action for a while. I'll let you know how it goes later tonight.
Shouldn't Have Eaten Onions
I smell rediculously bad right now because I tried to cook a fried onion tonight and it didn't work, but I ate it anyways... Matt and I did cook the dove we hunted though, and it was pretty good. It's a dark meat that tastes more like turkey than chicken, but it is tough because dove are wild and are allowed to use their muscles more than farm raised birds.
It was a night of mixed emotions as I came upon the realization of where I am. I am an audio engineering major who shall graduate in one and a half years but with no promising opportunities of employment in a VERY cut-throat business. That being said... I'm a little bit depressed. I've come to the realization that this might be the best I ever have it and that life just might pound my brains out, but this is the path I have chosen. I am at the greatest crossroad I have ever come to. I have two choices. I can either give up and fail or work to near death and push through. On my side of comfort I do have a good track record of success, but this is a different game I'm about to play. It's called real life. I'm getting this feeling because I'm looking at my old boss get toyed around with by the corporate world. He could potentially be left with nothing and he's the best there is. So where do my chances stand? And then I have friends who have graduated and are doing relatively well... only they're computer science majors and they are in high demand these days. I'm beyond the point of no return. I have to keep going down this road until it ends and I have to make the best of whatever it ends in. Oh, and then I have some friends enticing me with these post graduation plans of taking half a year off to tour the country on motorcycles. I know it sounds crazy, but it's really a guy thing. No guy wants to be chained to the man, but that is ultimately what is going to happen. Anything less would be frowned upon by family, friends, and society. But that doesn't stop men from having those feelings of desire for adventure and freedom. I want to go with them so bad, but everything I've been raised to be says "Crush those silly thoughts and get BACK to your rowing station." The drum gets faster and faster. My muscles start to cramp, and I don't even remember what freedom looks like. I am on the American slave ship... just like everybody else.
Fwew... class starts tomorrow for most people, but I have no class on Wednesday so I must find some way to bide my time. Having said that, I think I'm going to work with my music for a while. I'm going to rewire my focus this semester. I'm going to get professional and do what I can to make something of myself... which is a contradiction to everything said in the previous paragraph I know... but it's all I've got. And as for my infatuation with hopeless relationships... that too shall disolve into something better and more worthwhile. None of the girls from my past will even talk to me anymore, not even the ones who I thought I ended on decent terms with. For a while I tried to make restitution with them, but they wouldn't even respond, so I immagine that I must have wronged them in some horrible way that is not deserving of forgiveness... Somehow that doesn't even bother me. I have the philosopher's stone. I can now create closure out of nothing. It makes me feel sorta cold, but I'm glad to be moving forward. As for the new girls, I seem to be looking over their heads at my music, my work, and my friends. These girls don't seem as much of a neccessity anymore. I guess I'm just not as lonely as I thought I was. I saw that over the break while I was standing out over the ocean. I thought to myself "I could be here and alone for the rest of my life and it wouldn't bother me." I don't know if that's true, but I seem motivated by it atleast for now.
So I will run and work and not care who is looking. I feel that true strength is knowing that you are capable and able to do great things, but not caring if anyone else knows. You don't measure yourself to others.
But now I know why some of the guys I know who graduated cried. They didn't want any of this to end. They were afraid, like me, that this is the best life will be and then it will go down from here. You can't have high dreams and goals. You just have to take your place. They cried because they were sad that it was over and because they were afraid of what would happen next. But it is not in my nature to give up and crawl back home. Let's start this semester with a high note. Nobody will rain on me and tell me that I can't go here or there. I will heed the wise to an extent, but I will make my own mistakes as well. The future may only reach into tomorrow, but for that time, lets do and be the best we can. Peace and love.
It was a night of mixed emotions as I came upon the realization of where I am. I am an audio engineering major who shall graduate in one and a half years but with no promising opportunities of employment in a VERY cut-throat business. That being said... I'm a little bit depressed. I've come to the realization that this might be the best I ever have it and that life just might pound my brains out, but this is the path I have chosen. I am at the greatest crossroad I have ever come to. I have two choices. I can either give up and fail or work to near death and push through. On my side of comfort I do have a good track record of success, but this is a different game I'm about to play. It's called real life. I'm getting this feeling because I'm looking at my old boss get toyed around with by the corporate world. He could potentially be left with nothing and he's the best there is. So where do my chances stand? And then I have friends who have graduated and are doing relatively well... only they're computer science majors and they are in high demand these days. I'm beyond the point of no return. I have to keep going down this road until it ends and I have to make the best of whatever it ends in. Oh, and then I have some friends enticing me with these post graduation plans of taking half a year off to tour the country on motorcycles. I know it sounds crazy, but it's really a guy thing. No guy wants to be chained to the man, but that is ultimately what is going to happen. Anything less would be frowned upon by family, friends, and society. But that doesn't stop men from having those feelings of desire for adventure and freedom. I want to go with them so bad, but everything I've been raised to be says "Crush those silly thoughts and get BACK to your rowing station." The drum gets faster and faster. My muscles start to cramp, and I don't even remember what freedom looks like. I am on the American slave ship... just like everybody else.
Fwew... class starts tomorrow for most people, but I have no class on Wednesday so I must find some way to bide my time. Having said that, I think I'm going to work with my music for a while. I'm going to rewire my focus this semester. I'm going to get professional and do what I can to make something of myself... which is a contradiction to everything said in the previous paragraph I know... but it's all I've got. And as for my infatuation with hopeless relationships... that too shall disolve into something better and more worthwhile. None of the girls from my past will even talk to me anymore, not even the ones who I thought I ended on decent terms with. For a while I tried to make restitution with them, but they wouldn't even respond, so I immagine that I must have wronged them in some horrible way that is not deserving of forgiveness... Somehow that doesn't even bother me. I have the philosopher's stone. I can now create closure out of nothing. It makes me feel sorta cold, but I'm glad to be moving forward. As for the new girls, I seem to be looking over their heads at my music, my work, and my friends. These girls don't seem as much of a neccessity anymore. I guess I'm just not as lonely as I thought I was. I saw that over the break while I was standing out over the ocean. I thought to myself "I could be here and alone for the rest of my life and it wouldn't bother me." I don't know if that's true, but I seem motivated by it atleast for now.
So I will run and work and not care who is looking. I feel that true strength is knowing that you are capable and able to do great things, but not caring if anyone else knows. You don't measure yourself to others.
But now I know why some of the guys I know who graduated cried. They didn't want any of this to end. They were afraid, like me, that this is the best life will be and then it will go down from here. You can't have high dreams and goals. You just have to take your place. They cried because they were sad that it was over and because they were afraid of what would happen next. But it is not in my nature to give up and crawl back home. Let's start this semester with a high note. Nobody will rain on me and tell me that I can't go here or there. I will heed the wise to an extent, but I will make my own mistakes as well. The future may only reach into tomorrow, but for that time, lets do and be the best we can. Peace and love.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Game Faces Everybody
Mitch and I woke up this morning and ran a mile before we went to the gym. It was good times, and I'm glad to be working out again. Last year I started now and ended in April, but this year I hope to stick with a routine for a little longer. It makes me feel balanced when I work out, otherwise I'm spending too much time thinking about the wrong things.
But today is the day where all of the residents will start moving back in. I'm praying for patience and endurance to end this year strong. I have my expectations, but we'll see what really happens. I was thinking about my workload and I'm not sure what's going on now, but give me about two weeks to get in the swing of things and I'll be fine.
I think right now Mitch and I are going to the bank to do a lil money thing, but as for the rest of the day... I'm not sure... I think I want to try and find a disk golf course. Today would be an amazing day for disc. Peace and Love.
But today is the day where all of the residents will start moving back in. I'm praying for patience and endurance to end this year strong. I have my expectations, but we'll see what really happens. I was thinking about my workload and I'm not sure what's going on now, but give me about two weeks to get in the swing of things and I'll be fine.
I think right now Mitch and I are going to the bank to do a lil money thing, but as for the rest of the day... I'm not sure... I think I want to try and find a disk golf course. Today would be an amazing day for disc. Peace and Love.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Just as I Left It
The drive was a long one today, but the weather was pleasant atleast for the majority of the journey. Once I hit Ashville the clouds began to pile up and I thought it was going to rain, but instead it started to snow. If you've ever been through the Ashville area, snow isn't exactly considerable as "pretty" driving scenery, but I made it through alive, so that's cool. I got really antsy while I was driving though, which isn't normal for me. Usually driving helps me focus and stay in a calm state of mind, but today it was different. I mean, I am excited to get back and catch up with my friends, but I don't think that has so much to do with it. It could have been all of the state troopers parked all over the road stopping people left and right. I mean I really like that new driver's license I got today, but I didn't really feel like showing it to them... But the drive did cycle me through quite a bit of music, which is always nice. Oh, and speaking of driver's licenses, I did go to the DMV this morning to get an updated one, and they really were jerks to everybody, so from what I can tell, the stereotypes are pretty accurate. I think it would be nice if all of the professions that are filled with stereotypical jerks were put on a list and people would go down that list and do something outstandingly nice for them.
Back to the story though. Another thing I noticed on the drive was my constant identifying of all the birds flying in the air. I saw so many doves and I really just wanted to grab a shotgun and bring a few of them to justice (and by "justice" i mean my dinner plate), but there will be no hunting for me for quite some time.
But I arrived in Nashville, back to all of the lovely traffic and city life, at about 6pm central time. I'm glad to be back and I have a peace about the upcoming semester. But when I got back, all the guys that were here met up and we went out to Sir Pizza. That's where we go pretty much every Sunday. Cubbs, Burly, and Viking were there. It was a somber mood though. Chubbs just found out that he might get layed off because the recording studio just got bought out and the new owners might cut his job to save a few bucks. I don't see how they think one guy can run that entire place, but hopefully some sense come to them because that is Chubbs' dream job. He loves that place and has worked so hard, too hard for them to just up and shaft him like that.
So I guess I'll sleep in tomorrow and when I wake, I'll see what doing there is to be done. The other guys should be getting back in the later afternoon, and we'll all have alot of stories to tell I'm sure. Right now I'm listening to Hem's album Rabbit Songs. It's about as country as I can tolerate, but I love it... Well... it's more like jazzy bluesy country... Her voice is so beautiful.
I'm going to get some sleep. Peace and love.
Back to the story though. Another thing I noticed on the drive was my constant identifying of all the birds flying in the air. I saw so many doves and I really just wanted to grab a shotgun and bring a few of them to justice (and by "justice" i mean my dinner plate), but there will be no hunting for me for quite some time.
But I arrived in Nashville, back to all of the lovely traffic and city life, at about 6pm central time. I'm glad to be back and I have a peace about the upcoming semester. But when I got back, all the guys that were here met up and we went out to Sir Pizza. That's where we go pretty much every Sunday. Cubbs, Burly, and Viking were there. It was a somber mood though. Chubbs just found out that he might get layed off because the recording studio just got bought out and the new owners might cut his job to save a few bucks. I don't see how they think one guy can run that entire place, but hopefully some sense come to them because that is Chubbs' dream job. He loves that place and has worked so hard, too hard for them to just up and shaft him like that.
So I guess I'll sleep in tomorrow and when I wake, I'll see what doing there is to be done. The other guys should be getting back in the later afternoon, and we'll all have alot of stories to tell I'm sure. Right now I'm listening to Hem's album Rabbit Songs. It's about as country as I can tolerate, but I love it... Well... it's more like jazzy bluesy country... Her voice is so beautiful.
I'm going to get some sleep. Peace and love.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
A Few Days in the South
Well, I went home from the beach and met up with Matt on the same day. He drove up to help the band out with worship on Sunday and I gotta say it was the best I have ever seen at our church. After that we got to talking and he showed me his hunting license and said that he was dying to go. I expressed the same desire and the idea came about that I should go down to his place and we should go hunting. Well... I love being spontaneous, so the next day I hopped in the car.
And here I am, in South Carolina on Matt's computer. He's behind me trying to beat Final Fantasy VII, but he's got quite a ways to go. He's at that part in Junan fighting the boss righ before he gets to get on the submarine.
We did fire guns today... for most of the day. First we started off shooting skeet to warm ourselves up. I didn't do that great being that the last time I fired a gun was over spring break of last year, but by the end I was hitting more than I started off doing. So then we broke off for lunch and then went out to check and see where the hunt was going to be before we went to get my license. We found a pretty nifty corn field full of birds, so we went to get the license, Matt and I got these stellar camo shirts, and we went back to hunt. When we got there, the birds were still there so we split up and created a parimeter. Jake and Mr. Singleton flanked on the right side, and Matt and I headed off for the left all around this huge cell phone tower. We heard several shots fired and the birds scattered from the trees and started to head just beyond our direction. One, however, broke off from the flock and came just close enough for me to take a shot, so I did. It droped like a brick with just one shot fired, and I went to check the body. ... It wasn't a dove... no, it was much worse than that. I killed a woodpecker. I felt sorta bad because I've always admired woodpeckers, but he didn't feel anything. I shot him through the head, so he died instantly. After that, we waited for them to come back, but they never did, so we left at dusk.
Matt and I are going to wake up early in the morning to go again, hopefully with better luck. If not, Mr. Singleton did manage to kill four, so we will probably just clean those and eat them tomorrow night. Oh yeah, I'm using a Banelli 20 gage semi-automatic shotgun. Matt is using a pump action shot gun. I like guns, I like the outdoors, and I pretty much like hunting. It's exciting when you're shooting at something, but if you can enjoy nature, it is very peacefull when you're not. Maybe I'll have pictures by tomorrow. Peace and love.
And here I am, in South Carolina on Matt's computer. He's behind me trying to beat Final Fantasy VII, but he's got quite a ways to go. He's at that part in Junan fighting the boss righ before he gets to get on the submarine.
We did fire guns today... for most of the day. First we started off shooting skeet to warm ourselves up. I didn't do that great being that the last time I fired a gun was over spring break of last year, but by the end I was hitting more than I started off doing. So then we broke off for lunch and then went out to check and see where the hunt was going to be before we went to get my license. We found a pretty nifty corn field full of birds, so we went to get the license, Matt and I got these stellar camo shirts, and we went back to hunt. When we got there, the birds were still there so we split up and created a parimeter. Jake and Mr. Singleton flanked on the right side, and Matt and I headed off for the left all around this huge cell phone tower. We heard several shots fired and the birds scattered from the trees and started to head just beyond our direction. One, however, broke off from the flock and came just close enough for me to take a shot, so I did. It droped like a brick with just one shot fired, and I went to check the body. ... It wasn't a dove... no, it was much worse than that. I killed a woodpecker. I felt sorta bad because I've always admired woodpeckers, but he didn't feel anything. I shot him through the head, so he died instantly. After that, we waited for them to come back, but they never did, so we left at dusk.
Matt and I are going to wake up early in the morning to go again, hopefully with better luck. If not, Mr. Singleton did manage to kill four, so we will probably just clean those and eat them tomorrow night. Oh yeah, I'm using a Banelli 20 gage semi-automatic shotgun. Matt is using a pump action shot gun. I like guns, I like the outdoors, and I pretty much like hunting. It's exciting when you're shooting at something, but if you can enjoy nature, it is very peacefull when you're not. Maybe I'll have pictures by tomorrow. Peace and love.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Sunset on the Dock
I don't have much time to talk right now. I'm at a hotel in Morehead City and they have a 30 minute guest time limit. Why am I here? I've been working on a job with my dad down here for the past two days. We are installing a floor on a beach cottage just off of the sound. Behind the small one story house is a 500 foot dock with an amazing view. For the past two nights I have seen the most amazing sunsets from that dock. If you could close your eyes and immagine two shorelines streatching out in front of you like arms streatching to the sky but the hands don't quite connect. Between the hands is the ocean, and just above that, the setting sun. The whispy clouds are painted gold and red and orange and green as the sun lowers into the outstreatched hands. The water is painted a glassy color whith random birds scattered about. Those are the kinds of sunsets I've been seeing for the past few days. They're the kind that make you think about life, where you've been, and where you are going. They're the kind that push you into the presence of God as if to say, "This is the closest to heaven you will ever be while still out of the grave." So here are my thoughts.
I've been out of control a few times, which is generally healthy. I've been involved in situations that haven't exactly had "tv endings". That is also healthy. It's a casual reminder that life doesn't work the way we want it to all the time... not even some of the time... mostly it just works on its own. But what can I say about that sunset and the music I was listening to at the time? I have made close friends with Sufjan Stevens during the past few days. His music is truly inspiring and beautiful.
I haven't written much over break though... partly because I don't have the internet at home, but that doesn't mean that nothing has happened. I feel a little more like sharing about myself unlike the last journal. Someone asked me why I do it, and that got me to thinking... I suppose it's because I don't have much shame for who I am. I know I'm messed up, but in my world, acknowledging the existence of mistakes and ugly only makes beauty that much more beautiful. I don't feel like covering things up (unless it infringes upon someone else's personal space) is necessary.
But if one thing I have come to see over this break is that maybe I could do something wiht my music. Lots of people have enjoyed my latest stuff, and I'm seriously thinking about kicking it into overdrive and throwing it out there. I've never been the one to seek fame, but I do seek adventure.
So what can I say for the way I feel now? I feel pretty stressed out. You ever think "What if I missed out on a sweet friendship with someone over greed?" I'm thinkin that right now. It's all in the other person's court though, and I'll probably get what I deserve, which is nothing but a lesson well learned. Things don't work like they do on tv folks.
For the rest of the break I'm going to relax, get some small stuff done, maybe write some new music, give up control and get my motives straight before I start the next semester. I promise that one of these days my head will fit on straight, but until then... have a wonderful day. Peace and love.
I've been out of control a few times, which is generally healthy. I've been involved in situations that haven't exactly had "tv endings". That is also healthy. It's a casual reminder that life doesn't work the way we want it to all the time... not even some of the time... mostly it just works on its own. But what can I say about that sunset and the music I was listening to at the time? I have made close friends with Sufjan Stevens during the past few days. His music is truly inspiring and beautiful.
I haven't written much over break though... partly because I don't have the internet at home, but that doesn't mean that nothing has happened. I feel a little more like sharing about myself unlike the last journal. Someone asked me why I do it, and that got me to thinking... I suppose it's because I don't have much shame for who I am. I know I'm messed up, but in my world, acknowledging the existence of mistakes and ugly only makes beauty that much more beautiful. I don't feel like covering things up (unless it infringes upon someone else's personal space) is necessary.
But if one thing I have come to see over this break is that maybe I could do something wiht my music. Lots of people have enjoyed my latest stuff, and I'm seriously thinking about kicking it into overdrive and throwing it out there. I've never been the one to seek fame, but I do seek adventure.
So what can I say for the way I feel now? I feel pretty stressed out. You ever think "What if I missed out on a sweet friendship with someone over greed?" I'm thinkin that right now. It's all in the other person's court though, and I'll probably get what I deserve, which is nothing but a lesson well learned. Things don't work like they do on tv folks.
For the rest of the break I'm going to relax, get some small stuff done, maybe write some new music, give up control and get my motives straight before I start the next semester. I promise that one of these days my head will fit on straight, but until then... have a wonderful day. Peace and love.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Friday, December 09, 2005
Rain, No Snow
Well, here I am, still as anxious as last night. I couldn't sleep for hours, so I watched a movie. At three in the morning, when the movie was over, I was still too unsettled to sleep, so I had to just lay in bed for a while until I was tired enough. The funny thing is, I had a dream that I woke up and looked out my window and saw that it was snowing, but when I did actually wake up I went to my window just like I did in my dream, it was only raining. I like cold rain about as much as I like math...
Today I felt no better than last night. I felt driven but confined at the same time. Not sure what that's about. Maybe it's exams? Maybe it's not something but someone? I wish I knew because I would deal with it, but this is something beyond my control. Speaking of which, I'm hungry, and I can't do anything about it right now because it is late and I have no food in my room. Booo. I'm watching another movie though. Maybe I'll go to bed earlier tonight, who knows. What I do know is that it will be harder to know what to do tomorrow than today. I atleast had one class today to bide my time, but tomorrow I have nothing. I could do laundry I suppose. Maybe I'll study some before Monday. I could even read if that's what it comes down to. Reguardless, I've gotta get out of this weather and these situations that have come upon me. I'll see what I can work out in the morning. Peace and love.
Today I felt no better than last night. I felt driven but confined at the same time. Not sure what that's about. Maybe it's exams? Maybe it's not something but someone? I wish I knew because I would deal with it, but this is something beyond my control. Speaking of which, I'm hungry, and I can't do anything about it right now because it is late and I have no food in my room. Booo. I'm watching another movie though. Maybe I'll go to bed earlier tonight, who knows. What I do know is that it will be harder to know what to do tomorrow than today. I atleast had one class today to bide my time, but tomorrow I have nothing. I could do laundry I suppose. Maybe I'll study some before Monday. I could even read if that's what it comes down to. Reguardless, I've gotta get out of this weather and these situations that have come upon me. I'll see what I can work out in the morning. Peace and love.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Santa Claus vs. The Dark Ninja
Today was the fight of fights. Today, the Dark Ninja challenged Santa Claus to a fight and was defeated. I gotta say, it was alot of fun. I was a bit nervous about climbing that tree because I was in socks and it was a long drop to hard cement if I fell, but alas, I maintained balance and grip. I think it turned out really well, and we got it on tape so we can watch it for years to come, but it was by far surpassed the Viking/Easter Bunny fight last year in complexity. Attendance was a little lower, but everyone who came out really enjoyed the show, and that's all that matters to me.
The rest of the day went by nicely, though the fight wore me out pretty good. I took Matt with me to Playground to help with a session set up, and he got to meet Jimmy, my boss. When time came to set everything up, we did it and we did it quickly and flawlessly. Jimmy was so impressed, he gave Matt a company t-shirt. We got nothing but compliments from the staff and the musicians, and even the Head Engineer gave us a compliment, and he's not one to hand out compliments often. I felt really good about that. Makes me think that my education isn't going to waste.
After that, I played pool with Matt and then took a nap. When I woke up, we all went out to dinner, and here I am now, sitting satisfied. I'm anxious though, and again, I can't quite place it. It also hasn't helped that I've not been able to relax at all in the past few days. I have a constant feeling like I should be doing something, and I just can't sit back. I'm also worried about one of my friends who has been sick for a while. It's that sort of helpless worry you get when you know there's something wrong, yet there's nothing you can do to lighten the load. I hate that... Now that I think about it, you know what my problem is? It's my "do it all" mentality. I'm guilty of never asking for help for anything. I see everything as a challenge, and if I can't do it myself, I see it as a failure. I still haven't learned to let others lend a hand. I think I just carry so much weight, that eventually I break down and have to take time to regroup. Maybe I'm on the verge of that now. Maybe I need to learn how to let other people "in" a little bit more. That's easily said, but where does a guy like me start? Whatever... I'm going a bit too far for public reading material.
I'm looking forward to a possible snow tonight though. I might just go out and watch a little bit of it fall before I sleep, but I'm not positive if it's coming. Nothing is falling as of now atleast... ahhh, but I can still hope can't I?
Hmmm... I need to write a song now. Peace and love.
The rest of the day went by nicely, though the fight wore me out pretty good. I took Matt with me to Playground to help with a session set up, and he got to meet Jimmy, my boss. When time came to set everything up, we did it and we did it quickly and flawlessly. Jimmy was so impressed, he gave Matt a company t-shirt. We got nothing but compliments from the staff and the musicians, and even the Head Engineer gave us a compliment, and he's not one to hand out compliments often. I felt really good about that. Makes me think that my education isn't going to waste.
After that, I played pool with Matt and then took a nap. When I woke up, we all went out to dinner, and here I am now, sitting satisfied. I'm anxious though, and again, I can't quite place it. It also hasn't helped that I've not been able to relax at all in the past few days. I have a constant feeling like I should be doing something, and I just can't sit back. I'm also worried about one of my friends who has been sick for a while. It's that sort of helpless worry you get when you know there's something wrong, yet there's nothing you can do to lighten the load. I hate that... Now that I think about it, you know what my problem is? It's my "do it all" mentality. I'm guilty of never asking for help for anything. I see everything as a challenge, and if I can't do it myself, I see it as a failure. I still haven't learned to let others lend a hand. I think I just carry so much weight, that eventually I break down and have to take time to regroup. Maybe I'm on the verge of that now. Maybe I need to learn how to let other people "in" a little bit more. That's easily said, but where does a guy like me start? Whatever... I'm going a bit too far for public reading material.
I'm looking forward to a possible snow tonight though. I might just go out and watch a little bit of it fall before I sleep, but I'm not positive if it's coming. Nothing is falling as of now atleast... ahhh, but I can still hope can't I?
Hmmm... I need to write a song now. Peace and love.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Learn This Well
Just when you think you've got it all in consideration, that's the first indicator that you're missing something. Peace and love.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Sharp and Dull
I'm experiencing a clarity presently that I've never really experienced before. Maybe it's just been the subject matter I've discussed with different friends over the weekend, or maybe I've hit a maturity growth spurt. Either way, I feel different.
This weekend I pulled more studio time than ever, but it is the last of it. I participated in a grand total of four studio sessions. That adds up to about 16 hours of studio time in three days. To put that in to perspective, If you were to grow up in studio time instead of world time, you would probably only live to age seven. Your hair would gray at birth, you would have serious stress problems, and you would have whitnessed the failure or more equipment than most people could afford. Needless to say, I'm pretty tired right now.
But I can't slack off now. I have to finish this semester strong. I have lots to do tomorrow, some of which I added to my own plate, but most of which I don't really mind doing. I figure once I'm done with accounting, everything else will slip by with ease and I'll have more time to be playful.
I suppose I should elaborate on my clarity a bit. It all started last night when I was talking to Mitch about relationships and where I'm at. I was explaining what I learned about the vicious circle of a man's loosing his confidence. The rejection from women causes man to loose confidence and, in turn, women reject men because of their lack of confidence. You really have to find a way to break out of that circle, and this is how. You have to stop and take value in yourself before you face them. You have to be capable of rejecting if need be. It took me a while to realize that I had value. Outwardly I would blame my failed relationships on the other person because that was what society expected, but in my deepest place, I blamed myself. That's wrong. Sometimes it is the other person's fault. That's not to say that you should cast blame on others, but if you take blame for everything, it is because you have no value in yourself. You will start to feel sorry for yourself, and you might just end up with someone who will make you feel miserable for the rest of your life because you couldn't see the initial warning signs, and/or you wait around for them to pass through that "phaze". It doesn't happen that way. To be above that circle of gain and loss of confidence, you have to find confidence in yourself, not in what women see in you. Careful though. Don't slip into the other extreem. Don't find too much value in yourself to where you become an introspective and judgemental jerk. The world harbors too much of that mentality as it is.
So on with the clarity story. After that conversation, I went to bed and had the strangest dream. I was walking through this crowded building trying to make my way outside. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman who I deeply cared about in the past. She seemed glad to see me, but more so. Her blue eyes spoke more of a want for me than just a "good to see you" expression. I remember them being very blue and glazed with tears. She wanted to hold me. It was something I had waited for for a long time, but what did I do. I stopped, looked at her, and then turned to look at my direction. I left her standing there crying and kept on walking with focus and no remorse. I then walked out of that seemingly gothic building and into a desert of ice. There was nothing in sight as far as the eye could see except for my guide. He was all wraped up in winter clothing as I was, so I couldn't see his face, but as I walked behind him, all around I noticed frozen dead bodies protruding rigidly out of the snow with fear carved into their blue frosted faces. I did not know where we were going, but I knew that very few people had ever completed the journey, but I didn't care. I felt like I had nothing to loose.
So then I woke up to that awefull shrill of an alarm. I went to church with Matt and on the way he was telling me of a weird dream he had. He was apprehending a demon who was out to hurt someone. I ended up joining his party and I caught it and gave it to him and he gave me this small figure that rested on the head of the demon of a woman in a blue dress kneeling in prayer. I left the dream then and he went to destroy the captured demon in some sort of church water. Yeah, Matt's dream was a little weirder than mine, I must say.
But I think my clarity comes from examining the value I have in myself now as opposed to what it used to be. I don't feel compelled to impress people anymore. If they aren't impressed by who I am just being me, than they won't be and that is fine. I feel like I can make better judgements and quicker decisions. My senses are even sharper than usual. I've been able to smell better, notice more visually, and distinguish and hear sounds better. For the first time I feel like I'm balancing ten spinning plates on my arms and head, but I could take three or four more. It's one of those feeling that you just hope lasts and doesn't die out the next day. I'm also excited to go to sleep and dream again.
My only desire right now, though, is to gain some sort of a mentor. I think I'm going to find a wise someone in my church who I can meet with once a week and share my most personal physical, soulish, and spiritual struggles. Despite what I may portray to those around me, I really don't have it all together at all, and I think I need someone to share that with.
So here I go. I shall have a few sweet moments of sleep and hit the floor running tomorrow. Am I ready? I don't know. Reguardless, I suppose we are all about to find out. Peace and love.
This weekend I pulled more studio time than ever, but it is the last of it. I participated in a grand total of four studio sessions. That adds up to about 16 hours of studio time in three days. To put that in to perspective, If you were to grow up in studio time instead of world time, you would probably only live to age seven. Your hair would gray at birth, you would have serious stress problems, and you would have whitnessed the failure or more equipment than most people could afford. Needless to say, I'm pretty tired right now.
But I can't slack off now. I have to finish this semester strong. I have lots to do tomorrow, some of which I added to my own plate, but most of which I don't really mind doing. I figure once I'm done with accounting, everything else will slip by with ease and I'll have more time to be playful.
I suppose I should elaborate on my clarity a bit. It all started last night when I was talking to Mitch about relationships and where I'm at. I was explaining what I learned about the vicious circle of a man's loosing his confidence. The rejection from women causes man to loose confidence and, in turn, women reject men because of their lack of confidence. You really have to find a way to break out of that circle, and this is how. You have to stop and take value in yourself before you face them. You have to be capable of rejecting if need be. It took me a while to realize that I had value. Outwardly I would blame my failed relationships on the other person because that was what society expected, but in my deepest place, I blamed myself. That's wrong. Sometimes it is the other person's fault. That's not to say that you should cast blame on others, but if you take blame for everything, it is because you have no value in yourself. You will start to feel sorry for yourself, and you might just end up with someone who will make you feel miserable for the rest of your life because you couldn't see the initial warning signs, and/or you wait around for them to pass through that "phaze". It doesn't happen that way. To be above that circle of gain and loss of confidence, you have to find confidence in yourself, not in what women see in you. Careful though. Don't slip into the other extreem. Don't find too much value in yourself to where you become an introspective and judgemental jerk. The world harbors too much of that mentality as it is.
So on with the clarity story. After that conversation, I went to bed and had the strangest dream. I was walking through this crowded building trying to make my way outside. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman who I deeply cared about in the past. She seemed glad to see me, but more so. Her blue eyes spoke more of a want for me than just a "good to see you" expression. I remember them being very blue and glazed with tears. She wanted to hold me. It was something I had waited for for a long time, but what did I do. I stopped, looked at her, and then turned to look at my direction. I left her standing there crying and kept on walking with focus and no remorse. I then walked out of that seemingly gothic building and into a desert of ice. There was nothing in sight as far as the eye could see except for my guide. He was all wraped up in winter clothing as I was, so I couldn't see his face, but as I walked behind him, all around I noticed frozen dead bodies protruding rigidly out of the snow with fear carved into their blue frosted faces. I did not know where we were going, but I knew that very few people had ever completed the journey, but I didn't care. I felt like I had nothing to loose.
So then I woke up to that awefull shrill of an alarm. I went to church with Matt and on the way he was telling me of a weird dream he had. He was apprehending a demon who was out to hurt someone. I ended up joining his party and I caught it and gave it to him and he gave me this small figure that rested on the head of the demon of a woman in a blue dress kneeling in prayer. I left the dream then and he went to destroy the captured demon in some sort of church water. Yeah, Matt's dream was a little weirder than mine, I must say.
But I think my clarity comes from examining the value I have in myself now as opposed to what it used to be. I don't feel compelled to impress people anymore. If they aren't impressed by who I am just being me, than they won't be and that is fine. I feel like I can make better judgements and quicker decisions. My senses are even sharper than usual. I've been able to smell better, notice more visually, and distinguish and hear sounds better. For the first time I feel like I'm balancing ten spinning plates on my arms and head, but I could take three or four more. It's one of those feeling that you just hope lasts and doesn't die out the next day. I'm also excited to go to sleep and dream again.
My only desire right now, though, is to gain some sort of a mentor. I think I'm going to find a wise someone in my church who I can meet with once a week and share my most personal physical, soulish, and spiritual struggles. Despite what I may portray to those around me, I really don't have it all together at all, and I think I need someone to share that with.
So here I go. I shall have a few sweet moments of sleep and hit the floor running tomorrow. Am I ready? I don't know. Reguardless, I suppose we are all about to find out. Peace and love.
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