Summerz Up: Back in the Broke (100th Post Party)

That's right everybody, I'm back at Pembroke Hall in beautiful Nashvegas, and I must say things are going well thus far. My room has been one of my prime areas of focus lately. I like things to be perfect and they almost are, but all I really want are a few more posters and such... then I'd have to say that this will no longer be a dorm room, but my respectable bachelor pad. Outside of room decor... the majority of my time has been going into getting the dorm ready for the freshmen to move in. Let me tell you, this is HARD work! We've been lifting beds and moving furniture all day long, and we're all soar. Cameron pulled his back, Aaron sliced his finger almost to the bone, and Mitch, Bojangles, Chubbs and i have our minor knicks and bruises as well. On top of that, we've also been running inspection on each room and filling out loads of paper work.

Tomorrow things aren't going to settle much at all. Chubbs just had a meeting with us and he said that until Friday, he's going to own us and run us ragged. When Friday afternoon comes around, he said he plans to give us the day off to rest up for Saturday. Saturday... will be our Hell Day. That's becasue come Saturday we have to move every single freshman on our halls in. We are expected to work for the majority of the day lifting things like heavy boxes and fridges while still maintaining a pleasant composure to reassure the parents that their little angels are in good hands.

For the most part this week though, we will be sitting in training lectures. All of that starts tomorrow and sounds simply captivating to me. I can't wait to learn how to deal with confrontation (as if my life's existance hasen't already been almost completely focused on tight situations). I musn't have such an attitude though. If I am to be successful I must be optomistic. It's when you start letting those little innocent thought in that the big debilitating thoughts get there hold. I bet tomorrow I'll make new friends and I'll be more comfortable in my role as RA. Either way, I'm sure I'll get whatever I expect out of this training week. I have come to enjoy adversity though. I just don't feel like I'm earning the right to survive unless I have a regular trial or difficulty, and that's just one of many motivations that pushes me along. Sure I might not have the greatest attitude during stressful times (working at the pool all summer is a testamony of that), but I find joy from it when I go home at night.

So what do I expect out of this year? Well I suppose I haven't done much thinking on that. I expect, first of all, to maintain a steady journal for you all to read. I suspect that I shall also balance a healthy dose of work and pleasure as I did last year. I also expect that I shall gain more wisdom spiritually and physically, and maybe, just maybe somewhere in there I might earn the eye of some girl. The best way I could describe what I feel right now though, is confidence. I am confident that in whatever I put my efforts in, if it be a worthy cause, God will bless it and I will succeede.

To cap off this first of journals in quite a long time, I'd like to say that I'm really looking forward to see all of my friends move back in, and I'm exited about the year and what it might yeald. I just hope that the good times seem to last just a bit longer than they usually do. These are the times that the elderly look back on and long for, and I suppose I can see why. Well, until I write again, peace and love...

This Week will Destroy Me

if i live through the remainder of this week, i'll be much ablidged to fill you in on how. what is about to take place is the most action packed week of my summer, and i don't say that in a good sense either. i've got no time on my side to learn this song i have to play and sing at church sunday morning and at work, the water slides are opening this weekend, our biggest weekend of the summer, and i just have a really bad feeling about it all. i'm also havin to pull extra weight until my brother finds a new job because his old one let him go. things basically just aren't peachy right now, but it is still at a level of stress that i can manage. it's weird though. when i get a day off, i don't really know what i can do with it and i just can't relax because i've been so consistently busy, and usually i end up working harder on my days off then on my days on. quite frankly i'm exhausted. i also just found out that i'm going to have to fix up my car which takes a huge chunk out of my summer funding. i hate and love cars. it's a weird relationship that cars and i have. i'm exhausted right now though so i'm going to bed. next time you see me, i'll have a little bit of hair on my chest. peace and love...

What Can I Say?!?

ya know, this summer has been kind of a bit lacking from what it started out to be. everyone was here and there was always something for me to do after work... but now everyone is working or gone and i have nothing to do. there's alot of personal undertakings going on in my life, but y'all are going to have to miss out on those details being that this is a public journal. all i can tell you is this. there are some things that a man has to do in life even though he is afraid to do them. that's just the way it has to work. today i closed the pool becaus of rain and all of us took the day off. i'm learning to be a little more assertive in my work, but i really don't enjoy it. i consider it to be good ra training though. i've got to learn to be hard sometimes. for my day of though, i didn't really do much which was a nice change of pace. i went to the bank and wrote some music down by the lake. i was kind of flattered when i found that i had drawn a bit of a crowd of not just people, but fish and ducks alike. but after that i just went home and layed around. about 9:30 i decided to go to the book store to look around and i ended up getting some german language learning cd's. i've always wanted to learn german and now is my chance. anyways, not much else is going on. i don't know how i feel right now, but i know i don't feel like myself. it's been weird. for the past couple of days i really haven't felt like me and i think it's because of that whole personal issue. i'm really interested to see how that turns out, and if you ever catch me in person i might tell you, but that's NOT a promise. don't worry too much though. i don't mean to make you hang in anticipation, but that's just a big part of what's going on right now. speaking of which, i went through my private journals last night and it was a huge eye-opener on how much i've grown in just the past few years. my attitude is WAY different now, and it was kind of re-assuring to discover. oh yeah, and today i also went to play disc golf on the back nine, and i could have sworn that i played with bill gates. this guy asked me to join his group. he was with another woman and a man and they both reffered to him as bill, but he introduced himself to me as william. he looked like bill gates... he talked like bill gates... and he was wearing a huge microsoft t-shirt. he wasn't that bad at disc either, but they were playing from the hard pads and it through my game all off. oh well, i'm sure i'll go back again tomorrow after work. i'm going to bed now though. i have to wake up at 8 to be at work by 9 because of swim lessons. but before i retire i'd like to give a special shout out to cowboy for responding to my journal. that tickles me pink y'all... it really does. so to ye all have a grand night and i'll see (or maybe not see) you all in the morning... peace and love...

Rainy Day = Good Day

the title is pretty self explanatory. today it rained us out of work at about four o'clock so therefore, i got off work early. i then went to show this new family that might be moving down here and coming to our church around town. we went to eat at chilli's and then went to putt putt. their kids are a bit younger than me at 12 and 16, but age has never been much of an obstical for me unless i really think about it. certain ages like 10 and under kinda freak me out. mainly because most kids that age really like me and i don't understand why. i know i'm not the most unlikeable guy, but still, they attract to me like magnets. i also don't know why they weird me out so much. is it because they're unpredictable? i know it's not because i don't remember what it is like to be that age because i'm one of the most nostalgic people on this planet, but the reason still alludes me. maybe it's just because i don't feel like i can act like myself around them. i bet that's it. i don't want to hurt them, but i also don't think acting like myself would be as entertaining to them. considering all this, i don't really like acting. i can act, but i feel fake when i do, so i really just don't like it. now for some reason this reminds me of another issue. i've been having a bit of trouble with one of the guys i work with. this is his first year at the pool and he is young. i also think this might be his first job, but there are just some things that he does that employees don't do. first of all, in rank i am his superior, but i don't like to hold that over people. i consider myself to be pretty layed back when considering most of the people i have worked for (which is alot). anyways, he seems very argumentative as a person in general, but he gives a big attitude when i tell him to do anything that he doesn't want to do. this is not the way the work force operates in the real world. when an emplyee that is over you asks you to do something, you do it without question. that's just the way it works. but with him, he always gives lip. like today for instance the girls in concessions were pageing me by walky-talky and he started fighting with this girl over who was going to answer it. i told him to cut it out and give it to me because it could have been an emergency and he got this big attitude with me about throwing my weight around as an assistant manager. now i'm the kind of guy who doesn't like to be agressive, but if i must be to get this guy to cooperate, i will. i think the majority of it is just immaturity that he will grow out of, but it bothers me all the same. i think that he thinks that since he's worked there for a week that he's a pro, but he's got another thing coming. first off, he's never made a save before. note i do have full confidence that he can do it, but it changes your perspective on the job when you make your first one. second, he has never worked the 4th of july and seen just how crazy that place can get. finally he's never seen the wrath of our head boss, and once that happens (and it will) he will be a new man. i will continue to work with him though. it will teach me patience and boldness, and maybe mature him a little bit. course i remember how i felt at that age. i knew everything and more. it's only when you go to college and stop living at home that you realize just how little you know. but oh well, such is life. everyone must jump through that hoop i guess. another something that got me thinking today was this girl that i work with who told me that i look sad and alone when i walk around. i immediately told her that that was just how i looked and i really wasn't sad, and i guess she was foolish enough to believe it. i guess i try to fool myself sometimes, but i really do wish i could find my soul mate. i think God has put such instinct in all men close to my age becasue this is the part of my life where it isn't outlandish to start thinking about the big M. it's kind of like getting your driver's license. when you're 10 years old you start thinking about how liberating that day is going to be, but when you're thirteen, you start actually saving up for a car and getting ready for driver's ed. on top of that, i still have to try and forget what's-her-face even though i hear about her almost every day. one of my co-workers dates her younger sister. so all of these things lead me in to a state of silent sadness and lonliness. usually when i'm not exhausted i'm pretty good at hiding it, but sometimes it shows. i think though, that it is a step. in order to be forever happy with your soul mate, you must first know what it is like to be lonely. as for me right now, i'm going to watch peter pan (yes, the old disney peter pan) and then i'm going to bed. hope to talk to you all tomorrow. peace and love...

Locked Out

okay, i need to just calm down a bit. i've had a weird day in that it was both nice and relaxing, but also a bit hectic at points. first things first. i went to work this morning and they told me i could have today and wednesday off so that was cool with me. i just went home and tried to catch up on life being that it was my first day off. after all of that i went back to the wolffis's and watched gladiator. i really like that movie... but anyways, then andy came over and we went to play disc golf. it was a good run through because i finally got my swing down, and i found a new fantastic disc. so my new high schore is 22 over par. yeah, i know it doesn't sound like much, but it is for me. i'm just a beginner. so after that we went to the store and bought some ramen noodles and then rented the third matrix movie from that new family movie store in town. they let me have a free rental because i cut up a blockbuster card. don't bother me much though because i had two of those copies. even if i did cut both of them up, i could just go back to blockbuster and get some more. whatever though. i really doubt that place is going to be able to put blockbuster out of business, but i don't blame them for trying. so brandon and andy and i all watched the movie and then they left. this is when it got a bit crazy. see, my only responsibility here while i am house sitting is to feed the animals, so that i did. i walked outside, closed the door, and went to feed the dogs. it was when i got back that i realized, "hey, you locked yourself out you big moron!" so after lamenting for a second, and then wandering around pointlessly for a few minutes, i made my way over to the neighbors who gave me a ride back home. it was there that i got my dad to come with me to get the door open and he did. now all i have to worry about is the minimal damage that was inflicted on the door, but that was my day today. as for work tomorrow, i'll be going to it and... uh... working... then i predict that i shall be cleaning up this house for todd's return. peace and love...

Sorry About the Delay... Lots to Fill You In On

wowzers, it's been a while since i've written anything. i just figured people had stopped reading my journal, but viking reminded me to keep devoted (yeah, he rocked it out by actually replying to one of my posts!). this is crazy though. i mean where do i start? i guess i'll tell you about work. it's been grueling since we've opened, but that's part of what makes it so satisfying. we work our tales off in the hot sun all day and then go home and relax, and i promise you it is the best relaxation i have ever experienced. looking at the staff this year, most everyone is a new face, and young at that. it's a little tricky to deal with, but i find it most educational trying to perform around so many different people. the best news i have in the work department is that i finally got that assistant management position that i've always wanted and with the promotion last week came a rather nice pay raise. i also have a set of keys that came with it. i've always seen the amount of keys someone has as the ammount of responsibility they have (or maybe they just collect keys). anyways, work is going well. i made a save the very first day the pool opened, and just today i helped a little boy who had hypothermia. why did he have hypothermia you might ask? that's because people still do go swimming in cold weather just because the pool is open. also as you might suspect, the five-year-old's parents were at home and his twelve-year-old sister was watching him. good times though. lots of stories to tell. another exciting even that happened this week was me and my friend andy were walking my dog when we were all of the sudden chased for no reason by two crazy dudes with a pitbull and a gun. needless to say i ran home and called the cops (yeah, i outrand a pitbull). andy, who works at a vet clinic tells me that pitbulls have around 3000lbs of pressure per square inch in their bite. that's alot of pressure! casey probably only has about 700lbs so i didn't want her to stay and fight. she wanted to though. she doesn't like it when people or dogs threaten me, which is comforting to know. right now i'm house sitting for some friends of the family while they are away at the beach. it's cool because it gives me a little independent vacation where i can live life sorta like college again. as for my music, i'm still writing. i seem to have lots more ammo to write about when i don't box myself in and think about what other people think about my music. i seem to be a hopeless romantic though. i'm constantly writing about relationships with women, but i don't think it's necessarily bad. i'd like to think that maybe my songs might somehow speak to people in similar circumstances, or encourage them, or maybe just entertain others. whatever the case be, i'm looking forward to improving in any way possible. i have found a secret to that improvement too. the secret is to be madly in love with music. when you think about it, it is quite similar to a relationship between a man and a woman. it can be discouraging at times, but when you press through that discouragement, it's absolutely worth every drop of sweat. i'm going to go to bed now though, but i'll try to keep up writing the best that i can. peace and love...

To Create... Not to Manufacture

i haven't written anything in the past week. that's probably because i've been so busy that i haven't really had time. it has been really hectic trying to get the pool ready to open, but tomorrow all of the preperations will be complete. tonight was also the completion of my recertification for CPR. it's all out of the way and i am tired. this isn't college tired though. mentally i'm as fine as i possibly can be. physically... i'm far less than par. it's good for me though. i've been needing to get back in shape and all of this hot out doors work is really paying of in that aspect. in other aspects, i'm still poverty stricken. i have yet to get my first summer pay check, but it will be quite satisfying when i do. i've been getting home alot earlier these past few nights though... ten and eleven o'clock. i still don't go to bed until one, but i am indeed returning home earlier. the reason being is that i spend so much time on my music. i reached a short slum in my writing, but now it is showing signs of picking back up. i've been recording and playing and writing and singing and going insane. i haven't gotten to the point of writing worship music yet though. i really want to, but it is more complicated than that. for me worship music must be my very best creation. i don't want to offer a song up to God that i manufactured for a demand. i shall take as long as it takes to write the perfect songs that don't say the same thing that all the other worship songs say. i want them to say something new, and in a new way. i think alot of people find something wrong with this, and dealing with other people's dissappointment in me isn't easy, but it is manageable. i would consider it far too easy to just write a bunch of songs that would take advantage of the church and make me lots of money like many "Christian artists" do, but as an independent song writer, i feel compelled to be different and artistic. whenever i am ready, i am ready, and the words will come to me no earlier. right now i'm tired though and i don't think i can stay up... much... lon...ger... ... peace and loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... zzzzzz... zzz... zzzzzzzz...

The Lifeguard Saga Continues

Lifeguarding can be tough sometimes, but with the right training, you can survive with minimal dammage.

you know something, i don't think anybody is reading my journal right now. of course, i don't really mind. it's good for me to put my day out in to writing. in a way, it keeps me... mentaly on top of things. so here is my day today, and maybe one or two philosophical points at the end. today started off pretty ordinarily for summer. i woke up and went to work. i've kinda figured out though that i've been going to work an hour early, so when i got there no one else was there so i went and got some breakfast. i won't be making that mistake anymore. anyways, work today was treacherous primarily because the sun was so hot, and when you work in the hot sun, you get tired fast. keeping this in mind, please understand my two hour nap when i got home. the work that was done doesn't really sound like much though. we swept the deck, scrubbed off the tops of the lifeguard stands, and then painted the lifeguard stands. i think somewhere in there we also managed to get all of the pool ladders out on deck,a and those things are fairly heavy. after my nap when i got home though, it was on to my next primary responsibility which is walking the dog. i took casey in to the park this time, and there was a dog there that had no leash. it was a mut, but i believe it had some pitbull in it, but anyways, we were caught by it's attention. i simply smiled because casey isn't a small dog, and though she is passive some of the time, the one thing she doesn't stand for is some horney dog coming around to sniff her butt. casey has snarled at and bitten rotwilers (don't check the spelling on that) before and this dog had no idea. so casey's hair went up on her back and she kept turning around to look at it, and i think it finally got the clue not to mess with her. i just think it is so funny though the way she doesn't put up with flirtatious males. she bites them. after i walked the dog i went over to hang out with karl and the boys. we watched The Godfather all the way through and then sat out in his back yard around a fire pit. i really enjoy just sitting around a fire. it's really relaxing. as for the immediate, i'm working on posting pictures with my blog. it's a new thing that just came out, but i'm lost as to how it works. hopefully i can get somethin goin. until then... peace and love...

And Then... There Was Nothing

let me say this and let me say it quickly. today was about as easy as they come. of course i can't think of too much that would rival the week before exams, but i really would consider today to be easy. i went in to work today and my boss wasn't there so we just went around doing mundane tasks because we didn't know what we were supposed to do. an hour later we all went home and i went back to bed. i suppose at around two i arose, ate lunch, and went to hang out with scott for a little while. we played some games and watched a movie and then i noticed my car was making a clicking noise which i thought might have something to do with my oil, so i went to get all the tools required for an oil change. well... about $8 later i was ready to get started, but not before dinner... anyways, i started out clean as a whistle and ended up almost drenched head to toe with oil. why, might you ask? oh, i'll tell you. it's because nathan has a hard time doing something right the first time. i changed my oil and almost capped it all of to go inside when what happens? i overfilled the oil. this is one of the worst things you could probably do to a car. i'm serious, it's right up there with driving down a one way street the wrong way in a busy city at rush hour with two tanks of gas in the back seat while talking on your cell phone. so what did i do? i got back under the car and went about draining some of the oil. if only it were that easy though. see, i didn't consider that the oil would have heated up in such a short time, but i was wrong. not only did i drop the plug in to two gallons of oil, but when i tried to put the plug back in so i didn't waste all of the oil, not only was my hand was scalded but i drenced my shirtless body in hot oil. okay, not fun! after this little humerous episode i realised that i only had two quarts of oil left, and it was far too late to go to the auto store to get any more. so i begged ben to take me up to the gas station so i could get some more, and of course theirs is rediculously high priced, but i got it anyways. when i got back, i filled it up and it was finally finished. clean up was a little messy. i dropped my oil soaked keys in the sand and that was ugly. i also got oil all over my flip-flop and foot and it got sandy too. a shower seemed in order after all this had taken place, and then some cups-o-noodles. that was pretty much my day. hope tomorrow is as exciting. peace and love

College Saturday

here i am at last with my cup-o-noodles and some tea settling down for the night after a most pleasant day. today was by far a college saturday and here is why. i had absolutely nothing to do. that's right. i slept in until 2:45pm today and when i woke, there was nothing to do. this being so i sat down and watched tv for a little bit, but when four o'clock rolled around i decided to go to the grocery store and get some cup-o-noodles. i think that's what hit the spot in my day. while i was at the store i rolled across the street to visit karl at office depot. he wasn't doin much of anything and was ready to get off of work, but we talked for a while and i decided to help he and his dad out setting up the stage at church for tomorrow. when i got home, guess what... i took a nap that lasted about two hours. when i woke up i had to move that heavy wood stove again, but three times as far and then, after dinner, i went straight over to church to help set up. now you're going to probably note the briefness of this journal. that is simply because my day was brief. i suppose you could say it was eventful because i've caught up on all those sleepless days of this past week, but it was most definitely unstructured. i like unstructured i guess because i like improvisation. i think that's also kinda why i like procrastination, but that's another story. right now i'm going to watch a movie and then hit the sack. see/talk to y'all later... peace and love...

Difficulties Move From Potential to Reality

today was rough. i don't know how else to put it. i woke up at about 7:30 after only five hours of sleep and then i went about my business. first in order was my dr's appointment which started at 8:30 and ended around 10:00. it was from there that i went straight to the pool to commence my second day of work. i was full of zeal and i worked very hard, but the work was long and strenuous. first i dried an entire olympic sized pool AND a standard size pool from rain water that had fallen yesterday so we could paint. next of course came the painting. we painted the lines on the bottom of the pool, which sounds easy at first, but you must consider that these lines have to be as straight as can be. we were also painting black on white which allows for no mess-ups. in total i think i painted 225 meters today which took aproximately five hours to complete. after that i went home and showered off, trying to get the paint off of my hands which proved very difficult as the paint is made especially for the bottom of pools. once i was all washed up i went to church to try and practice bass for this sunday, but the office was already closed and the bass i'm going to use is in the office. since i was already on that side of town i decided to go see what the boggs' were up to. mrs. boggs was the only one home, but she invited me in for a drink and a chat to check up on my progress at school. she told me that some animal (probably a fox) killed two of three of her rabbits which is pretty crazy. it killed one by biting it in the head when it stuck it out through it's pen to eat some grass. anyways, after that i went home and crashed. i took about an hour nap before i was awoken by my mom wanting me to help move our old 800lbs wood stove that we are FINALLY getting rid of. straight after that i went over to brittany's house to watch a movie with the new praise team from this year that i used to be a part of. it was here that i faced some emotional stress. now don't get me wrong. i love all of them to death, but i faced the inevitable reality that i suspected before i left college to come home. i have changed ALOT over this past year, and my friends who havent gone to college haven't quite faced that step in life yet... and it's a drastic step. i feel like there were expectations of how i should be in their minds, but those expectations are not who i am anymore, and i'm fed up with trying to pretend like i'm somone that i'm not so i'm not going to try to fit in to those expectations. it's not their fault, i mean on the outside i look relatively similar to who i was on the day that i left. i guess the same thing happened to me when i was in their shoes because i had lots of friends go off to college who came back different, but it wasn't until now that i noticed strangely enough. before i went to college i always felt like i had something to prove to everyone. i'm tired of that now, so i'm not going to prove to anyone how much i've learned, what positive attributes i've taken on, or what negative attributes. i'm just going to be me and be accepted, disreguarded, or dismissed. i almost busted out crying tonight because of it, but i haven't cried publicly since literally i was in kindergarden, and i haven't cried privately in three years. i think either i've forgotten how by now, or i'm just to proud. i felt anguish though. it was a weird kind of anquish. it was as if there was a wall between me and them that they neither saw nor knew of its existence. in their minds guyandguitar19 came to visit while in my mind guyandguitar20 came. i hope i did not disturb anyone while i was there, but i guess i can kinda understand sorta how a vietnam veteran felt when he came home from the battle field for the first time to meet the ones he loved. how could the understand all of the changes he had faced. i'm sure they could read the paper or watch the news, but it just isn't the same. i remember when i was in high school, i had things all figured out. nobody could tell me something that i didn't know. i was so confident that i was going to go to college and it was going to be a breeze on my physical, mental, and spiritual life. out of everyone who gave me advice about this and that, i can only recall the warning i got from chris passaro. he said "don't you dare be too confident in yourself. there's always something that you can trip over." i look back at that now and i understand. think of it this way: we all have probably watched a movie on war, even some of the most realistic ones on the market. but when you yourself are drafted and put on the front lines and are shot at and have to kill... things enter a new prospective fast. it is a concept that only war veterans understand and the rest of us can only carry enough pride to think that we can relate. i don't know how my story will end though. i can take a wild guess, but it's not up to me. i think that some of my friends might eventually understand and come to accept it, but some might not want to understand it and they might just have to experience it for themselves. i'm almost assured that they will experience it eventually. all my other friends who have gone to college know exactly what i'm talking about. i spent long converations with many of my upper classmen college friends at belmont who were warning me that this was going to happen. i understand now, and just by writing this journal i feel better. it's all just another part of growing up that will hit everybody at God's designated time for them. i'm gunna go watch some tv now. peace and love...

Difficulties Move From Potential to Reality

today was rough. i don't know how else to put it. i woke up at about 7:30 after only five hours of sleep and then i went about my business. first in order was my dr's appointment which started at 8:30 and ended around 10:00. it was from there that i went straight to the pool to commence my second day of work. i was full of zeal and i worked very hard, but the work was long and strenuous. first i dried an entire olympic sized pool AND a standard size pool from rain water that had fallen yesterday so we could paint. next of course came the painting. we painted the lines on the bottom of the pool, which sounds easy at first, but you must consider that these lines have to be as straight as can be. we were also painting black on white which allows for no mess-ups. in total i think i painted 225 meters today which took aproximately five hours to complete. after that i went home and showered off, trying to get the paint off of my hands which proved very difficult as the paint is made especially for the bottom of pools. once i was all washed up i went to church to try and practice bass for this sunday, but the office was already closed and the bass i'm going to use is in the office. since i was already on that side of town i decided to go see what the boggs' were up to. mrs. boggs was the only one home, but she invited me in for a drink and a chat to check up on my progress at school. she told me that some animal (probably a fox) killed two of three of her rabbits which is pretty crazy. it killed one by biting it in the head when it stuck it out through it's pen to eat some grass. anyways, after that i went home and crashed. i took about an hour nap before i was awoken by my mom wanting me to help move our old 800lbs wood stove that we are FINALLY getting rid of. straight after that i went over to brittany's house to watch a movie with the new praise team from this year that i used to be a part of. it was here that i faced some emotional stress. now don't get me wrong. i love all of them to death, but i faced the inevitable reality that i suspected before i left college to come home. i have changed ALOT over this past year, and my friends who havent gone to college haven't quite faced that step in life yet... and it's a drastic step. i feel like there were expectations of how i should be in their minds, but those expectations are not who i am anymore, and i'm fed up with trying to pretend like i'm somone that i'm not so i'm not going to try to fit in to those expectations. it's not their fault, i mean on the outside i look relatively similar to who i was on the day that i left. i guess the same thing happened to me when i was in their shoes because i had lots of friends go off to college who came back different, but it wasn't until now that i noticed strangely enough. before i went to college i always felt like i had something to prove to everyone. i'm tired of that now, so i'm not going to prove to anyone how much i've learned, what positive attributes i've taken on, or what negative attributes. i'm just going to be me and be accepted, disreguarded, or dismissed. i almost busted out crying tonight because of it, but i haven't cried publicly since literally i was in kindergarden, and i haven't cried privately in three years. i think either i've forgotten how by now, or i'm just to proud. i felt anguish though. it was a weird kind of anquish. it was as if there was a wall between me and them that they neither saw nor knew of its existence. in their minds guyandguitar19 came to visit while in my mind guyandguitar20 came. i hope i did not disturb anyone while i was there, but i guess i can kinda understand sorta how a vietnam veteran felt when he came home from the battle field for the first time to meet the ones he loved. how could the understand all of the changes he had faced. i'm sure they could read the paper or watch the news, but it just isn't the same. i remember when i was in high school, i had things all figured out. nobody could tell me something that i didn't know. i was so confident that i was going to go to college and it was going to be a breeze on my physical, mental, and spiritual life. out of everyone who gave me advice about this and that, i can only recall the warning i got from chris passaro. he said "don't you dare be too confident in yourself. there's always something that you can trip over." i look back at that now and i understand. think of it this way: we all have probably watched a movie on war, even some of the most realistic ones on the market. but when you yourself are drafted and put on the front lines and are shot at and have to kill... things enter a new prospective fast. it is a concept that only war veterans understand and the rest of us can only carry enough pride to think that we can relate. i don't know how my story will end though. i can take a wild guess, but it's not up to me. i think that some of my friends might eventually understand and come to accept it, but some might not want to understand it and they might just have to experience it for themselves. i'm almost assured that they will experience it eventually. all my other friends who have gone to college know exactly what i'm talking about. i spent long converations with many of my upper classmen college friends at belmont who were warning me that this was going to happen. i understand now, and just by writing this journal i feel better. it's all just another part of growing up that will hit everybody at God's designated time for them. i'm gunna go watch some tv now. peace and love...

The Pre-Lifeguard's Life: Day 1

today was busy, but not quite as bad as yesterday. i've been trying to be as proficient as possible since i've been home so i don't get used to being lazy. that's really all i need to be right now. as for work today, i was at the pool at nine o'clock sharp ready to paint, and i did just that. the painting didn't take long though. for the most part me and the two assistant managers just got paid to sit around and talk as well as pick out the new guard uniforms. after that it started raining really hard so we just left and they're going to start again tomorrow morning at eight. i, on the other hand, am going to my rescheduled doctor's appointment and physical tomorrow at eight. i have a feeling that sleep is going to catch up with me sooner or later though. it is again late... or early... whatever... so i'm trying to settle down so i can sleep. what did i do today after work? well i went and met up with john-eric at church and he as assigned me to play bass this sunday. that's new being that i've only played bass for one performance in my life and it was only one song. i'm confident though. after that i met up with andy for a little while and we played disc golf and discussed life. following this activity i went home, took a brief nap, and walked the dog. at about nine o'clock or so i went over to karl's house where jordan and hoovey were and we burned all of our painful college notes and discussed even more life (more specifically college life). now i am home. i'm aiming to go to bed an hour early tonight, and i think it's going to happen, but who knows what i'll think of next. there's just so much to do to finish getting situated at home, but a break is the last thing i need right now because i'll slow down and never get back up again. so far i'm proud of the way i've been conducting myself. i feel good, as if nothing in the world could tear me down right now. i do feel a bit queezy right now though. probably because i inhaled too much smoke from the note burning, but if that indeed is the culprit, then it is a satisfying queezyness. sorry this journal didn't last very long or cover very much, but i really have to get to bed so i can bust my behind at work tomorrow. peace and love...

The Adjustment Has Begun

so life takes on another change. i have returned home for the summer after completing my first year at college. i must admit that i feel quite satisfied with my work, but it is far from over. after taking my psych exam on tuesday morining at 8am (which was like chewing glass as all psych exams are) i went back to the dorm to wait for my parents. two o'clock roles around and so does my dad's big white company van. dark news also came at about the same time. from what i heard, which i'm still trying to confirm, is that chef michael (the frenchman) dropped dead in the caf at lunch from a heart attack. i heard that there was nothing anyone could do, and i felt so strange because i saw him and noted his red complexion just a few hours earlier. death makes you really think about life. i'm fine with dying, but i'm not comfortable with loosing any of my loved ones, and it could happen at any time. anyways, a bunch of my hall friends and i loaded up the van and we left and returned home at about 11:30. i had two options at this time. A.) i could wake up really early in the morning and unload the van before my dad went to work and before my eight o'clock dr's appointment. or B.) i could unload the van right then and there. i chose B and was done by about 12:30. after that i still felt unsettled and so i went about unpacking my things. after getting about half way through i finally went to sleep as i had created enough room for me to move around somewhat across my floor. sleep was hard though. for one thing it is hot as hates in my room and for another, i was on college time which meant that it was only one o'clock and i usually stay up until three. this made things a bit difficult, but i weathered the storm. today was a very pro-active day. i woke up at about 7:30, took a shower, and headed to my dr's appointment. it turned out that once i found the place, i didn't have my insurance card, so i was reshceduled for friday morning. after that whole ordeal i went to work on my car and wash it, then i went to get a job. i shall be working at city lake pool again this year as a lifeguard. i'm very thankful for getting that position because of past circumstances, but it is still going to provide it's challenges. i'm a whole two years older this year though with college leadership experience under my belt, so i should be fine. after that was out of the way, i went to get registered for my CPR recertification class and then i went home to take a nap. i finished all of that before noon, so i felt pretty good. after the nap i hung out with karl and jordan and we learned how to juggle, handle, and eat fire. i admit it is quite exillirating, but being that i'm a pyromaniac that should be no suprise. once that was over i came back home and finished unpacking. my room looks quite lovely right now, and i plan on keeping it that way. i do have work at nine in the morning though, so i should be getting off to bed. i'm going to be painting the pool in the hot hot sun! i do miss my fellas from college, but we will be reunited in due time. if you're reading this now, i suggest we not dwell on that but instead keep eachother in our prayers and do what we need to do this summer. in that aspect i think time will move accordingly to our expectations. i do NOT miss classes however, so i shall enjoy my summer appart from that. anywho... have a pleasant summer everyone and i'll keep you posted on my exciting advenutre as a lifeguard at one of the east coast's largest pools. peace and love...

Don't Know When I'll See You Again

ladies and gentlemen, it's been a great year of writing journals and such. i look back on it all and i see so much that has happened that i would have otherwise forgotten about. this is my 77th journal today and it might be my last for a while. why is that you ask? it is because i am going home tuesday, back to high point NC where i will again be faced with dial up internet. this is very discouraging for me, but it might also keep me from my journal writting. this is not final though... just my initial thoughts. as for today, it was pretty good. i finished my packing and then went to wendy's for dinner with matt. when we got there this homeless guy asked me if i had a few buck to spare. i told him what i tell everybody which is that i don't carry cash. i'm a college student for cryin out loud. why would i carry cash? he then threatened us with a weird little mumble about "we have a policy about that, but... you'll find out what it is later..." well, i don't like it one bit when someone threatens me so i got pretty riled up. i think the guy was on crack or something because he was just rockin back and forth and talking to himself with these little twitches all over his body. anyways he waited by matt's car probably thinking we were getting our food for take out, but then when we sat down to eat, he just took off. i had my knife on me, but i'm glad he left because who knows what would have happened had things gotten nasty. i don't think he was much of a threat because he was smaller than me, and matt is bigger than me. us together could have easily put that guy in the hospital which is why you would have to be on drugs to threaten two adult males by your scrawny self. i should know... i'm scrawny and i sure wouldn't threaten two adult males who were bigger than me. after that whole ordeal we went to get some boxes so i could finish paking and we did, and... i did. now my room is naked and it's really late (as usual). tomorrow is going to be a study day big time though. i have my last exam on tuesday at 8am, then i'm taking off for home. i'm at peace about pretty much everything right now. i know God has it all figured out even though i don't, and i'm comfortable with that. i just know there are so many things that i'm going to forget to do though before i leave, but in 100 years it probably won't bother me, so why should it now? i was suprised, however, to find that the format for my blog has changed. this site has had a complete overhaul and i now have a photo, a link for my songs, and a profile. i enjoy this improvement very much except for the fact that the astrological sign that i've been given in my profile doesn't coencide with my beliefs at all. i'm not going to let it rub me the wrong way though. i can't take it off, but i still want people to know about me. but now you know, and if anyone who doesn't asks... well then i'll tell them. peace and love...

don't count on me using caps on my journal tonight because i have far too little time to concentrate on that. tomorrow i have my religion exam so that will be fun and good times. honestly i'm not too worried about it, but i was just thinking about how i haven't given as much effort this semester as i did last sememster so my return probably isn't going to be as fruitful. that's a little dissappointing, but i have next semester to pick up my gpa if it suffers too much. i don't expect to do half bad in my classes, but not quite as good as my before. i think the main reason for this is that a good deal of my classes last semester were just your "show up and get an a" classes while this semester they have actually required some sort of mental output. even my math class last semester was pass/fail. i passed that class so i got an a's worth of credit. the day was good though and i'm not complaining. i woke up at about noon and then went about my business. i got my psychology assignment finished and then enjoyed the outside for a little bit. there honestly wasn't much else to do today besides play frisbee and hang out. something weird and noteworthy did happen though. kevin, matt, and i were outside of the music business building in the lounge area drinking our fruit beverages when we noticed something by the door of the building which must hav just flown in to the glass or something. i went over and picked it up and it was a humming bird. i couldn't believe how small it was even though i've seen them before. holding one is just way different. anyways i took care of it until it felt good enough to fly away on its own which it did about twenty minutes later. i did call my (hopefully) future boss to let her know that i'm interested in a position, but i don't know how that is going to turn out. i also went out to eat with the guys to have one last and great hang out session. things after tomorrow are going to start splitting up so we went out for hotwings, rode around in cowboy's girlfriend's convertable for a while with our shirts off and the top down with the music loud, and then had our sauna time when we got back. i'm not going to study for my religion exam tonight though. i'm going to wake up at about ten tomorrow and commence studying because the exam itself is at two. i always do well when the information is fresh on the brain so i think that's going to be my best bet. hopefully i can get some sleep tonight though. the past few nights have been really tough as far as sleep is concerned. i'm just too riled up to go to sleep i guess... i don't really know. this journal is going to be a bit shorter though, as i can't think of anything philosophical to discuss... or can i...

this real world, as opposed to how real we think we have things in high school, is a tough one. i was discussing this observation with one of my friends and fraternity brothers while doing laundry just a short while ago. he was saying how he didn't know what to expect when he went home. he said when he was home for christmas break his friends who had stayed home all thought he was the same guy who left almost a year ago. he said he was almost dissappointed in himself for sliding back in to the guy he used to be doing the stuff that he used to do. i can't say that i haven't thought on this myself. i'm not the same person i was when i left home in late august of last year but i find it easy after a short period of time to slip back in to my childish form. that's what everybody expects of me when i'm there, so why not give it to them? they just don't know what all i've gone through and become through experiences here except what i tell them. on the contrary, no one here knows anything about where i have come from, which makes a large portion of who i am, exept for what i tell them. so do i feel like anyone knows me right now? that idea i do not really dwell upon. i supppose the immediate answer would be no, but i know who i am, and i don't think it's possible for anyone to know you completely besides God, not even yourself. in short, i'm not really bothered by the fact that i'm not completely known. this is where i'm going to have to tell people what to expect of me instead of them just writting there own expectations. that's just part of growning up. here i have become responsible for my affiars. i have become efficiently organised and confident. i have become more intelligent in many aspects of life. something i've noticed at college is that no one, and i mean no one, tells you what to do. initially everything can tend to fall appart depending on your expectations, but reguardless there is like an exchange of ownership of your life from the hands of those who shaped you to yourself. God of course has always given me direction and provided for me, but even in that aspect i have learned that my relationship with God before was partly shared with my parents and friends, but there were certain preperations in that that i am greatful for. now my relationship with God is my own. why and what happens to make this so? i suppose the reason that this all comes to pass is because when you struggle with something like a teaching or a way of life, you have to stand alone or with equals of spiritual build. there is nothing that is more difficult than this, especailly after you have had such a cushy spiritual life before, but you have no more counceling. my chirstian walk as a result has faced a sort of "re-birth". i read and study scripture now and i see and understand its meaning as if i had never read it before which can be both nice and difficult to chew, but it is a necessity. the only way you can maintain a strong spiritual walk just by being told all the time and not venturing in to the wilderness to make it yours, is to cloister yourself away from the rest of the world for the rest of your life. lot's of people do it and they start doing it at college. people fear the world so they seal themselves off from it in their own little "christian bubble". what kind of testimony is that? the truth is that the world is a dangerous place. so much confusion has been unleashed by our society, on our society, that people don't know what to believe, and in so doing they somehow have become content in that and fulfilled the prophecy that the serpant told adam and eve in the garden which was that by eating the fruit, man will become like God. the men and women of today have done just that in a sense. they have convinced themselves and the rest of the world that they are gods. they are gods, however, that cannot conquer death which has them all scared. philosophers try to reason away all truths, but death is an absolute truth that has them all afraid.... i'm side tracking... to make a long story short, this is where we live. when you walk in the mud, chances are that you'll get dirty here and there, and the sun doesn't always shine, but if you persue strenght, God will give it to you. instead of cloistering yourself away or giving up all together, become strong and usefull. thanks for the listen... peace and love...

Today was all I could have hoped it would be. I slept in and, though I didn't get as much done as I thought I would, the day was rather satisfying. I played some catch with Aaron and Big Mike earlier which was nice because the weather was great. Tonight was the last night of the semester to see all of the brothers again so we went to Mafiazos to celebrate one last time. It ended up taking us a good three hours to get seated and get our food, but the brotherhood was nice. As for after... a few other guys and I are sick as dogs so that will probably be the last time I frequent that facility. Last night was weird though. After I finished writing my journal I had the hardest time getting to sleep. I was in bed for two straight hours before I fell asleep at four o'clock. I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling wrestless the past few weeks. I can't quite put my finger on it, but maybe I just need a solid vacation. I don't think that's probable though so I'm just going to have to learn to cope with it. Of course, maybe the spring air is getting to me as well. It seems to me that just about every girl on campus who is single is looking for someone right now, which is a little unsettling. I can understand it though because it has been explained to me before. From what I was told by an inside source, women have an extreme pressure to have a boyfriend. If they don't people assume things about them and so on and so forth. This, however, is not a good enough reason for me. I don't know why I'm just noticing it now though. That tends to be a common theme for me. I have my years where I've never noticed certain things before but yet they have always existed. Take the flowering plant wysteria for example. I never noticed that plant until a few years ago. I thought it was some new thing, but turns out I had just never looked up at that time of year before. I think I'm noticing all these things about women lately because I'm in such close quarters with them. I don't just blame women though. Everyone seems to be acting the drama king and queen lately. I think it's an addiction among folks. Whether it be pain or pleasure, endorphines are created which draws us back each time. I feel like some people are difficult on absolute purpose becase they want to feel rejected and alone because they've become addicted to it. They then tend to place a label on everyone else so they can feel like they are, in some way, above everyone else because they feel like they've got everyone else figured out. Now I totally understand that it could be a chemical imbalance, but it just gets me flustered. The whole drama thing is gettin me sickly flustered too because I feel like the only one who isn't involved, and I don't feel like I should feel wrong about that, but you all probably know what it's like to feel like the only one on a side. You start asking questions about who is right and wrong. Fortunately I'm too stubborn for that, though stubbornness isn't one of my best qualities. I'm guilty myself of doing things just to proove that I'm not dependant on others. I don't ever want to feel like a follower, so if I, say, want to go eat and nobody else does, I'll go eat by myself. Of course I've never actually felt like I needed company. Sometimes I feel perfectly fine doing things alone, but for the most part I enjoy company. Doing things like eating or going to the movies alone doesn't bother me though. Eating isn't a social event for me because I can sit and talk to someone all I want without food in my mouth. Watching a movie is the same. I'm not going to be that guy who talks the entire movie because I've payed good money to see it so I'm going to shut up and watch it. What difference, then, does it make if I saw it with someone I know or not. It's not like we are paying any attention to eachother at all. That's why I will never take a date to a movie (supposing that I'm dating to learn someting new about the one I'm with). Movies are things for people who are good enough friends to be able to watch a good movie together and not say anything until afterwards. Silence, to me, can often be the sign of the strongest bond of love and friendship. When I go to visit people who I've known for years and they still treat me like a guest it kinda dissappoints me. I like it when people are real with me. Mabye that's just because of the way manners work in our society. I think the majority of people in our society show manners not because they truly respect the person of their attention, but because they really just want to impress them. The reason I say this is because after being in Africa, I realised that there was indeed a difference. I was eating a meal with two of the local gentlemen who were taking care of us and guiding us around and I noticed that when we were served our meals they didn't eat. Well, I begged them to join us and to eat with us, but they politely refused and said something that I think about all the time. They said "We will not eat until after you eat because we are here to serve you and once everything you desire has been attended, then we will see to our own needs." Wow! How many folks do you know that will say that with complete sincerity. Hospitality has become so fake here. People just follow a bunch of regulations that they learned somewhere in order to impress, not to show respect and humility. Just another tangent though I suppose. I really can tell when someone is being fake with me though, and really well. It kinda ties in with yesterday's journal when I was talking about my empathy. One thing you have to look at when trying to understand someone is their eyes. People can control every feature of their body to display some sort of language. The muscles in the face, the tone of voice, the smiles and frowns can all be shaped, but the eye never looses it's shape. If you look in to someone's eyes when they lie to you, you don't need to be an interrigator to be able to tell that they are indeed lying. It works the same for sincerity. If someone is really glad to see you, their eyes will show it. Now some people can try and throw you off by fake crying, but even that doesn't change the eye except for making it a little red. What I'm talking about is staring straight through the iris into the individuals self. try it out if you don't believe me and see what you find. I'm not the only one like this though. I know plenty of people who feel the same way. I'm not condoning the fact that we should treat people like jerks just because we're in a bad mood and we don't want to be fake. I'm saying that we should strive to be sincere and caring without having to pull out a fake cover up. Is there a way to be truly happy all of the time? By God i should think so. I don't think people would wish to admit that though because if they did, that would display yet another imperfection in their lives that they would rather ignore. Like I said before, being a jerk to people can be addictive. After going over this journal just now and checking for major errors, I realize that I've probably drawn a few boarders between folks and me now, but then again, this IS, after all, my journal that you are reading. You can say whatever you want in your journal and I'll understand. I guess all I really ask is that you put aside all of your initial judgments and theories about me and try to understand me from what I write. I did have alot to vent today for some reason though. Maybe that's why I've been so wrestless for that past while. Whatever it is that is bothering me, hopefully it won't keep me from sleeping tonight which is what I'm going to do right now. Hope you all enjoyed the capitolised version of my journal. have a good night. peace and love...

well, what a great day. i went to all three of my classes and finished them off quite flawlessly. as for exams i only have three left, one of which is optional and can only help my grade, so you'd better believe that i'm going to be taking that. tomorrow i have an eight o'clock class, but that doesn't bother me because it's the only class i have all day, so when i get back i'm going to sleep and i'm not waking up until i feel like it. when i do, i'm going to do some laundry and call for some jobs and that's about the extent of that. this week is starting off great. i can't think of a thing that could go wrong, but trust me, i'm not thinking too hard. right now i'm winding down listening to some irish folk rock and then i'll probably head off to sleep. i'll try to think of something philisophical though just to take up a little more space. i hate when i have such short journals because i feel like i'm cheating you out. so... what should i talk about... let me think. hmmm, well i am coming home in a week from today so that's something to consider, but then again i did consider that last night. i don't feel like i have enough time to write on my thoughts on relativity and absolutes, so that's out of the question until i get an abridged version. how about this. i'll talk a little about relationships between people and me. maybe, just maybe if i'm tired enough i'll open up on a public journal, but don't count your chickens before they hatch. secondly i'd also like to re-address that i mention no names of any party in these types of entries because the details are no one's business but the ones who already know and they don't need names, so speculate as you wish, but it will get you nowhere fast. anyways i think a common discussion between me and some of my friends here is what to do with yourself when someone breaks your trust or when you get hurt from a romance relationship which can be greatly related. i myself tend to be one of those people who finds it very hard to trust others. i guess the textbooks call people like me skeptics, but from my experience i have many times put trust in people at an early age who have let me down drastically when i least expected it. i'm sure it happens to everyone, but for me it stuck and effects me to this day. i know that it's not scriptural that i should act this way so i am working on it, but it is a difficult struggle to deal with. something positive that has developed out of it though is a highly developed sense of empathy over the years. this little attribute helps me to decern whether or not i can trust someone in less time than it would ordinarily take. i can spend some time around people and tell what their motives are and what makes them tick (for the most part... still developing) but here's where it ties in to relationships. when i was in middle school i remember telling my school friends everything that would come to mind, which often times would be very personal. a few years later they used the information that i had given them to turn me in to a joke so that they could use me as a stool to get more popularity. from this i took learned that i should be very cautious to who i give personal information, and it did happen more after that too. high school relationships, for example, taught me alot. i remember giving a girl tons of personal information about me and pouring out my heart and leaving myself vulnerable without even considering the fact that she was not doing the same to me, so when time came for that to end, i was left out to dry. again i trusted someone who didn't trust me, which hurts in any kind of person to person bond. girls also do crazy things to close friends who would turn against one another at the nearest sight of a pretty smile and nice eyes, but i've heard girls are just as brutal towards eachother. that's just another expereince, but what i have learned thus far in a lesson that is far from over is that many things can break in life such as arms and expensive posessions, but they can be replaces. when trust is broken, however, it is almost impossible to mend. broken trust leaves scars... ya know, come to mention it, this whole scar analogy got me thinkin the other day. i have scars all over my body from "battles" of younger days, but there is one on my face in particular that i got when i was very very young. i don't even remember how old i was when i got it, but when i see that scar a vision flashes through my mind and i recall the exact events of what happened on that day. it was trauma and the scar will always be there to remind me of it, but a scar can teach you one of two things. it can teach you to fear what you did, or to learn from it. i, by no means, became afraid of falling in life, but i took up and learned, resulting more scars and broken arms. now-a-days i'm one of the hardest people you'll come across to knock on the ground even though i'm small. infact, if you ever get me on ice skates, it's quite theatrical to watch me flail around if something happens to threaten my balance, but i NEVER fall (atleast not hard). basically what i'm trying to say is that we are scarred by other people breaking our trust and we can do two things. we can become afraid of fealing pain again so we seal ourselves up and never trust anyone again, or we can face the fact that life, from waking and putting on cloths to undressing and going to bed every day, is a risk and experience is often times pain. i'm not perfect. i'm still afraid of commitment to an extent, especailly to someone whom i'm liable to overcommit to (such as women), but God willing i have atleast one more day left to grow and learn... now i hate more than anything these catch phrases that people say because they like the sound of it rolling off their tongues like "no pain, no gain" or my (least) favorite "time heals all wounds". i say what i say and you can take them how you want. this is the life that i live and i'm not about to deliver some catch phrase to you that has lost value because of overuse, but maybe you're like me and you understand without a catch phrase. that would be kinda neat i guess. whatever you take from this thought though, one thing is for sure... i'm going to bed because you made me think too hard;) peace and love my pretties.

ok ok ok... this weekend has been GREAT. i had nothing to do and i did it ON time with NO qualms. how about this. I recorded two songs this weekend, one of which i wrote friday night! that one i just posted on the internet, so if you want to go to my music site and check it out, feel liberated to do so. other than that there's not terribly much to say. i can't seem to remember much of what has gone on this weekend, but i know that it was good. tomorrow i have a history exam that i haven't studied for yet, but it'll be easy so i'll study tomorrow right before it, and that way the information will be fresh on my mind. i think i feel so good right now because nothing can compare to the amount of stress i experienced last week. this week, though full of exams, is going to be a breeze! i am going home next week though which i have mixed feelings about. i have lots of friends who will be staying here, but then... home is home... and even though i guess technically i'm a visitor, there's no other place like it. i'm sure i'll have to do alot of adjusting. being at college all of my every day functions run on my time, and though a bit unorthadox, i get things done. at home, on the other hand, i'll have to re-adjust to who i was before i went to college because to many people are directly effected by my actions. i've though about this and i think that i'll probably return to some medium between the two me's, this way life won't be too hard. getting my summer job might be a pain though. i'm not assured anything as far as work is concerned back home... atleast, nothing that might pay me enough money as to what i need for college. i'm not to stressed out about it though. God has always taken care of me in the past, and though i know things can change, i'm not worried. there's not too much that could stress me out like last week again anyways. i suppose i can take time to tell you about my dreams though. i've had the most weird dreams in the past few weeks since i've been stressed out. they are so realistic in detail and have a stunning plot line, but i'm not so much afraid of them as much as i am weirded out. i have had some fear dreams though, in which i will be half asleep and half awake with my eyes open and i'll see something that freaks me out so i'll jump off the top bunk and turn on the light. these dreams lately have been different from that. one of them, for example was me riding in a tractor trailer with all of my friends from school and two girls that i didn't know. we were riding on a bridge that went over the ocean which broke down into one lane. then we came upon some cars that were coming the opposite way, one of which was a black benze because i saw the medallion. we slammed on our breaks and tried to avoid the cars but we collided and sent the mercedes in to the ocean and then we fell in to the water. then all of the windows opened up and everybody swam out, but i looked back down and the girl was stuck inside so i went back to get her. once i got her free, the truck landed at the bottom of the ocean in such a way were we couldn't get out and we tried breaking windows and opening doors, but then we just drowned... i know how they say that you can't die in your dream because your brain doesn't know how to simulate death so it actually dies, but that's a load of crap because my brain also can't simulate being shot in the head but i've had a dream where that's happened once and... well... it was pretty weird, but i'm still alive. these are just a few of the weird dreams i've been having lately due to what college students like to call sleep deprivation. last night i had a dream that i had an incounter with a ghostly figure that i couldn't see but was definitaly in the room. i though to myself it must be lonely to be a ghost so i sucked up my fear and tried to be friendly with it. i told it to go outside and play in the snow with the neighborhood kids because yes, there was lots of snow outside... according to the story of my dream, the ghost was a friend of a friend who i had never met before, but my friend was so upset about the death that he wouldn't leave his room. see, they lived together and he just couldn't face looking at all the stuff, so me, a few friends and mom (you were there too) went over to box the stuff up and get rid of it. it was in a house that i had never been to in real life before which is kinda weird because usually you dream about experience, but i also remember looking at this really cool lamp with an embroidered angel on the shade, it was that detailed. the guy that died was named mitch and he and some of his buddies went out one night to a lake and drowned. there's a theme here which is weird. all of my dreams have included water lately. now i'm not afraid of water at all. i'm a lifeguard for pete sake and i've almost drowned before cuz i almost passed out under water, but i decided after that experience that it wouldn't be such a bad way to die. i can't seem to make a connection with this aspect of my dream though. when the ghost came out i was in the dining room of the house looking through the white silk-like curtains at children playing in the snow with mom sitting next to me. i all the sudden heard floor boards creeking to the left in the other room and my friend was the only other person left in the house and he wouldn't leave his room. the other guys had gone out to get some food, so they were also gone. the floor boards creaked closer and closer though until finally the curtains started moving as if someone where just tapping them lightly with their hand. i remember feeling a chill, but i decided to put it past me and take command of the situation so i gently told the ghost, who i saw as child-like, to go outside and play in the snow. the curtain stopped moving and the floor boards creaked again over to the door just a few feet away, the door blew open as if it weren't closed properly before, and then a draft in the house slammed the door closed again. that's when i woke up confused and i even tried to go back to sleep to re-enter the dream and make sense of it, but i couldn't. now i try to make connections with every day life and my dreams, but i couldn't do it. i haven't watched a horrer flick in 9 months, i had never been to that house before but it belongs to one of my friends from nc state who also has friends that live in it that i don't know but what would make me think of that. secondly, i don't believe in ghosts. when you die, your soul doesn't just roam the earth because that's silly. both of the dreams were also very vivid and fully colored. most of the things in the house were white except for the angel on the shade, the floor and the furniture, the door knob, the child playing in the snow (which was very deep and in drifts) who had on a brown cap, a red scarf and mittens, with a black ski suit and black boots. now i'm not really bothered by these dreams except for the fact that i don't know where out of my scattered mind they came from. if i have more, i'll be sure to keep you all posted, but for now i'm going to atleast try to find some more. peace and love...

i know it has been quite a long time since i have written a journal and there, of course, are many legitamate reasons as to why this is so. first and foremost i have been busy. let me just fill you in on what assignments this week has entialed and the schedule i have taken upon myself to complete such tasks. monday night i pulled an all-nighter and wrote a two page speech on the selective service and then i wrote a five page paper on a book for history class. i finished these two tasks at six am in the morning and then went to bed only to wake at 7:30 to go to my eight o'clock psychology class. after that i came back and went to bed for a very long time (3:30) and then went to my religion class. upon finishing religion i immediately went back to my room and continued working on my religion assignment of 143 terms and definitions where upon discontinuing that for the day followed by stepping on a thumb tack and having it completely enter my foot, i continued to practice my speech. today i woke up at 7:30 again and practiced my speech until it was time to give at 9. The speech was then given in success and i also turned in my five page paper to my history class. after all of this has been completed, i am only half way through. tomorrow i must work on writing 20 portfolio journal enteries due on friday and study for an exam (not a final) that also rests on friday. in short, i'm busy all of the time. i decided to take this evening off just to blow some stress, but tomorrow it's back to the mill stone.

my next excuse for not writing a journal is somewhat related in that i have had nothing out of the ordinary happen to me since i've been doing all of this work. i've pretty much been confined to a desk for the past four or five days, so things tend to not happen that are exciting enough to post. tomorrow i have to wake up at 7:00 to register for classes, but my eight o'clock class is cancled so i'm going back to bed after that. as soon as i wake up though, it's back to work on those journals. i have never failed at procrastination and i do not plan on starting now. i always pull through.

this weekend, considering this week, is going to be glorious. i will have absolutely no assignments due, so i think i might take it upon myself to record more songs. i will, of course, study here and there to prepare for finals, but i'm not going to let it get to me. finals seem to come naturally to me in that i always do much better on them than on any other test throughout the year. i really do need a break though. there have just been far too many stresses in social and academic life lately.

as all of this is finally winding down i've also been confronted with thoughts of what i'm going to do when i get home. right now job opportunities aren't looking too good and i need to make enough money to live off of for next year. also settling down and being an r.a. is another issue, but these are just more stress on the pile and, oddly enough, i'm too numb to even be bothered by it. stress effects me in a strange way. i focus so much energy towards the most immediate threat that i seem to be apathetic towards anything else. it's not that i don't care, it's just that i can't sacrifice the brainspace that caring requires. this is not something that i've learned about myself in college though. i have always been a king of procrastination. fortunately, however, i've also been blessed with the type of mind that doesn't have to work too hard to retain information. life goes on though, and i must go to bed because, again, i have to wake up at 7 to register for classes. peace and love

hey everybody and shannon. i'll give her extra recognition in my journal because she beckoned me to write one today. i wasn't planning on it but i did. the news today isn't much and i've got to make this fast because it's 2am and i have an eigh o'clock class tomorrow. anyways today i got my new condensor mic, a mic stand, and a mic cable. they all three make me happy. i also figured out how to fix my door because the nob was falling off and i didn't like that one bit. productivity was on a low today though simply because i've been ultra busy for the past few days. something i did do was upgrade my web site. (note: if you want to remember where my website is online and you aren't ever on aim then you could add it to your favorites menu, but then that's just my suggestion. i'm not trying to say that my website is your favorite... or maybe i am, i don't know) yes, i have a new song on my website that you might, or might not, want to listen to. now i am going to bed because my thoughts are no longer coherant and that means that whem my alarm goes off in five hours, i'm probably going to have a harder time responding to it also my neighbor thinks it a proper hour to be playing his electric guitar so maybe i'll go to bed AFTER i end his life. peace and love.

the onslought has begun. i am writing my journal at mid day today because i fear that by the end of it i won't be coherant. all aspects of life have begun crashing in to me after a wonderful weekend. see, i wrote and recorded two new songs this weekend, but they're not on my sight yet because i'm not done fixing them up completely. i may wait until my condensor mic gets here to redo the vocals and then post them. other than that i'm not afraid of what i have to face to finish off the year. my actions greatly contributed to most of these circumstances so i'm not bothered. i get myself in tight situations all the time. the fun of it is getting out of the tight situations and looking back to see just how close you were to failure. it's sort of like that same rush i got as a kid playing with a garage door. i'd close it and then wait until it was dangerously close to closing and then i would scoot under it. note that this was BEFORE safety devices were invented to cause a door to stop closing if it were to crush a little child. i calculate my risks quite similarly today whether it be driving, school work, or any kind of deadline. i rule out failure simply because i've failed at very few things. i suppose i fail my self quite often, but that's a different kind of failure. it's more of a disappointment to fail yourself. i remember my taekwondo instructor failed me on purpose once when i was getting my red belt. he went through the stack of boards looking for something that would be impossible for me to break to pass my testing, and he found it. i almost remember breaking my arm on that board because when it came down to the final blow, which is where i put forth the most effort, i did indeed put forth my greatest effort and failed. it hurt my hand, but it wounded my pride. i still remember to this day what that felt like and it has given me a greater sense for success. i weigh my battles though. i never involve myself in something that i know i will fail at, but i don't consider there to be many obsticals out there like that. i might fight someone bigger than me and realize that i have no chance of winning (like big kev down the hall in yesterdays wrestling match), but that's a fun kind of failure. i guess women are about the only obsticals that i have a hard time allowing myself to "battle" for. i've failed there before to in about all the ways you could fail in a situation like that. this is beside the point though. right now i'm late for my business class so i shall be going now. peace and love.

a better day today indeed. sunny warm weather with pleanty of jovial things to do is probably the best way i could put it. and my journal, though shorter today, will in turn be of good cheer. i walked with viking today to the bank. i think we both enjoy getting out of doors every once in a while, and the weather was so nice today. it wasn't too hot and it wasn't too cold. as for the night, i had birthday dinner and good fellowship with my brethren and sistren, and though conversation has left me slightly berift, i shall most likely sleep the sleep of 10,000 tired babies tonight. if God sees it fit that i should wake up in the morning, i think i just may, and then i think i just might go to psychology, then study, then go to religion. until then i shall take in to consideration the present, and in doing so, i shall go to bed. peace and love.

this is what a day like today entails. i woke up and took the dreaded psychology exam and did about as good as i though i would... which isn't that great. after that i just felt... well... i felt exausted so i slept for a good four more hours. upon waking up i made marry with the fellows of the hall and then went to attend my new testament class. i turned in one of my two papers there (the other one turned in in psychology in the morning) and came back to eat dinner and take another nap and begin recording my new song that i wrote over easter. after being well rested i then went to my frat meeting and ate more food and am now here writing this journal. that is quite the abridged version of my day. deep thoughts have been flowing through my head fluidly though. it might be the music i've been listening to or maybe just the mass confusion that i have been facing lately. i'd probably put my money on a bit of both. i realized while i was home that my town is full of memories both good and bad. as i drove around there were literal zones of good memories that i would drive through, and then zones of the bad. i have been trying to avoid pondering too deeply on the bad which made my visit home that much more enjoyable. it wasn't until easter sunday however that many of my bad memories were stirred up that should have remained at the bottom of my mental jar. i could best describe it as pan crust that sits in the bottom of an olive oil jar. when the jar is turned upside down, the dirt comes from the bottom of the jar and mixes in with the oil as a whole which increases contamination. sunday morning i was turned upside down when a person (you know that i know better than to mention names in my journal) came up to me during church and gave me a hug. i have been doing so well at ignoring the fact that they expelled me from their life despite my deepest wishes, and it wasn't really their fault because how could they possibly know what i have been trying to suppress in my mind for years now. that hug, however, threw me back in time as if it were some trigger that fired a cannon ball (my feelings) directly towards the past. i can still feel it though, as if my skin was actually burned by it's touch. afterwards i was fighting off thoughts of starting up marry conversation with them. i caught myself looking at them to see if maybe they were doing the same, signifying that atleast they were thinking of me too. i had to keep repeatedly punching myself in heart with the realization that such thoughts were foolish and that i am in this boat alone. finally in the midst of the struggle i gathered up the last bit of rational i had left and used it to get in to my car, my haven, and speed off. now all of the sudden i was noticing all those spots that were bad memories instead of the good places. it was only until i left to go to my relatives house that i was able to forget about all of it. i had no memories of them there so it was a safe place even safer than my car. the hug, in a way, had its blessing though in that it made it easier for me to leave high point. as i took off in the plane my memories were left waving goodbye and i returned to nashville where i have no memories. it is all present here and the lack of past provides both blessing and curse in their own little ways. the city itself right now seems to have a cursed presence lingering over it. today, april 13, it snowed here after raining all day yesterday which, needless to say, doesn't create the most jovial of moods. but this is my house here. this is where my road splits off from my childhood and heads in a direction that is a little less clear and a little less stable than what i am used to which i see as a good thing. that which does not kill me makes me stronger and something God has blessed me with is a strong mind and will so i know that with His aid i'll make it through with benefits. it is a strange present though. i suspect that many songs will yeald from this time. i even feel more poetic in my thinking. i like feeling poetic and i like writing music to express it. anyways, it's off to bed for me. life aint gettin any easier so sleep is my best defense. peace and love.

no sooner do i get back from a wonderful easter break does school bare down with all teeth showing. i am finding that this is the way life works. i try to reason it out as a stage of adaptation where it only appears that every day is getting harder and harder. maybe it is lack of sleep. maybe it is lack of motivation. i'm not quite sure what. i know this much though; i have no love of money. the way i see it is that, as far as society is concerned, i am born to make money. i start my education when i am five years old and finish when i am twenty five. throughout this period i learn all sorts of new things so that i can get a good job when i get out of college so that i can work for the rest of my life to make money, but it will never be enough because our society benefits from unattainable goals. it keeps people working. stop me if i'm wrong, but is that supposed to sound appealing? i don't know. i'm not a communist or anything. this is the system that works, and though it isn't very satisfying, that's just the way it is. i think one of the most appealing ways of life would be to just live off of the land, working with your hands out in nature. i don't know what it is about nature and me, but it's just satisfying. i've also just come to grips with a reality that i've spoken for years but have never understood. when i die, all the money that i work for and all that i have sweated for will mean absolute jack. my brain will decay in my grave and with it the years and years of "liberating" education. that's where school comes in to this story. i spend so much time stressing and worrying over simple things such as grades because i suppose deep down inside i feel as if my life is only constituted of what other people think of me. people would think poorly of me if i were to do poorly in school so it is my motivation to do well. i suppose it's similar motivation to a slave and a whip. as you stumble along with a burdon, you dare not drop it because the whip of other peoples judgement and your engrained "reality" will come crashing down on you relentlessly until you either die or get back up. what if all of the sudden i just packed up all of my things, moved to a foreign place, and did God's work? what would people think of me then? i bet they'd say or atleast think if not for a second "what a waste." or "he's just running away because he's afraid to face what we all have come to cope with." whatever they said or thought i would immagine that the atmosphere would be a sad one, but why? i think it is because we have allowed society to define who we are instead of God. we then assume that surely doing the will of society (education, stability in work, business) is the will of God. i just don't see why i should allow myself to be beaten over such meaningless dribble as what society deems as God's will. maybe i am wrong though in my thinking. maybe i'll just round all of these thoughts up in a collective group and label them "adaptation to life". of course i must also take in to effect that this whole journal has come from a very tired, traveled, and spent mind. a mind that must wake in six hours to take a psychology exam and turn in two papers. this is where my mind is and i can't expect things to improve anytime soon because this is where my mind will be for the next four weeks. peace and love.

i'm 20 years old now... yippee... i do have a speech tomorrow and i need now prepare for it. then i will be coming home. that's great news for me. well, i'll talk to y'all later. peace and love...

i think i actually might have some interesting stuff to talk about this journal entry. it looks to me that i haven't written anything since last wednesday which means that lots has happened since. i'm going to start off with friday because i can't think of anything of importance that happened thursday, so here we go. friday was a short day, which is just the way i like it. most fridays can tend to be grueling simply because one's focus is so entangled in the activities of the weekend that it seems like eternity must pass before recreation will arrive. the speedy passing of friday was quite odd though in that i was going to be having a wonderful weekend of camping with my fraternity brothers at shackle island starting just at the end of the day. before i knew it two o'clock had arrived and i was already on my way over. we got there and we set up camp which is one of my favorite things to do (especially setting up the fire). i have found that my enjoyment lies in defeating my records set in the past with as little complication from mother nature as possible, and it all comes down to basically a one-on-one fight between she and i. now the activities were great. once again we played football, and at a music/art school i just happen to be pretty decent at athletics, so i actually got some good playing in. we had good food, good conversation, and we layed around in the grass for a pretty good portion of the trip. misteak number one though is to remember not to fall asleep outside in the first heat of the summer with your shirt off. i am, right now, burnt to a crisp, and, as a result of football, more soar than most occasions. it is a very satisfying pain though. sleep was another thing hard to come by because night was soo cold. having a tent and not having to sleep outside in the rain like last time was a definite plus though. it really reminded me how nice it is to escape everyday life and just be outside away from all the stuff that i "need". it's just a great time to learn about yourself and about God. i remember before i came to school i went on that camping trip by my self. it was great because i finally got to see that i could actually do something of that magnitude by myself. now for the average joe, i don't think anyone would have enjoyed being there with me. it was raining the whole time and i couldn't get a long lasting fire started. i had enough tender to heat up some sausage and soup for my meals, and my old tent leaked so everything i had got wet. i really enjoyed that trip though because of the challenge in that i couldn't rely on anyone else to do what needed to be done for me. i basically got to know myself more than i ever had before which was nice to do just before college. also it was quiet. i had no reason to say anything because there was no one there for me to talk to. any noise i heard was either from the rain, my guitar, or the random discouraging mumbles i gave myself over the fire, the lack of catching fish, or the fight i got in with the skunk. in short, i have really formed a love for the outdoors. i think i'll go camping more often. moving on; since returning home today, i have also partaken in another adventure. a few of us brothers had to go to columbia TN today to pick up a piano for our bash tomorrow. it's a fundraiser that involves sledge hammers and pianos if you were wondering. anyways, we went to get it and it weighed a ton. it's a player piano so it basically has a metal skeleton. when we got back we were supposed to meet the truck with the piano in it in front of pembroke, but on the way to the meeting point, there is this little wall in the parking lot that i usually jump over with ease and so i went about it in the usual manner, but then found myself in mid air remembering that i was quite soar, so i couldn't make the jump and caught the edge of the top of the concrete wall with my shin. it's bleeding alot right now, but it is just another battle scar. it doesn't hurt that much which is nice. anyways, that is pretty much my weekend. now i have lots to do before i fly home wednesday, but i don't think it will be so bad.

so i'm finally going to bed early (if you could call midnight early). i've just been doing some weird stuff with my alarm lately and i need to teach myself to stop. for instance on tuesday morning i got out of bed, turned off my alarm and climbed back up on the top bunk... without waking up. it was then when i woke up at 8:55 and realized that i was late to my 8 o'clock class. don't worry too much about that though because it is the first time i've ever missed that class anyways. this morning i don't even know what i did. i woke up just as i climbed back in to bed so in a sense i caught myself in the act. it seemed that somehow i turned the radio on to a talk show and then tried to sneak back to sleep without waking myself up. i caught myself just as i slid under the covers so i wasn't late which is a good thing because i can't miss any more days in my monday wednesday friday class. it is going to be a busy rest of the week though. i've just got lots to prepare for, and with finals coming up, i have to be on my best behavior. i'm probably going to be doing a good bit of work when i come home for easter just to try and play catch-up, but unfortunately it will probably only make a dent in my pile. i can look on the bright side though. i've never totally just not done something. i can usually motivate myself when "sink or swim" time swings around to swim. sure it is hard and it's not for everyone, but i consider it to be an adventure. on an up note though, i feel as if i have a greater capacity for stress. usually, kinda like a water balloon, i would just get to a certain point and pop, but now i'm handling it better. the news about ansley's cancer has hit me quite hard though. i have been praying harder for her than i have ever prayed in my entire life and i know that God has complete control over the situation. it's just that some times God's plan and His will get me so confused. i have not been in great communication with back home, but i know that it has hit everyone as a suprise. all i ask is that you pray for her and her family though. that is the most powerful thing we can do right now. peace and love.

i don't really know what to tell you about today. i woke up and it was pouring rain and i found it oddly humerous that instead of having no water, we had an abundance of water. that's right. they couldn't work on what ever it is they were wanting to work on today with the water pipes because of the rain. now i don't know about tomorrow. we might just have a suprise shower shut down, but i think i can manage one day without a shower, as nice as they are here. now i must inform you that i have killed another mouse. yes poor kracker died last night after being caught in matt and cowboy's room in a cracker box. matt got him in a paper bag and brought him to me. we decieded that we didn't want to end his life violently again like when i beat that other poor mouse to death with a hammer. that wasn't very fun. instead i got the bright idea to euthenize it. so i went about searching my room with something with a decent alcohol content that i could stick in the bag with the mouse to get him high and then ultimately put him to sleep for ever. what i found was lysol and hairspray. lysol has alcohol and ethonol in it and hairspray has alcohol in it as well. now i've heard that teenagers sniff this stuff to get high and quite often they die from it so i concluded that it would have to work for a mouse. we opened the bag and sprayed it on in and just waited. poor kracker didn't really enjoy it too much. it was actually quite sad to watch him search around the bag looking for a way out, but eventually he did start staggaring around drunkenly. it was then that i decided that i could save his life. i thought it would be possible to keep him as a pet of sorts in a soda bottle with holes poked in it, so i stuck him in and went to the showers to wash him off. well, this is what did it. the water that i washed him off with settled at the bottom of his feet and he went nuts and started drinking it. yes, kracker drank a good bit of lysol hairspray cocktail and died a few seconds later... convulsing. i am convinced that he didn't feel anything because... well... he was pretty drunk, but atleast i'd like to think he didn't. as for today, classes were drab. i've got a speech due next week and i don't know what i'm going to give it on. i've got papers to right and work to go to tomorrow. i've basically got all sorts of stuff to do. my appetite has also been down lately partly because the caf has been falling way behind. i've got a cupon for a free wrap saved up, but i'd really like to save it for a sunny day when i can have another solo picknick in the quad. yes, solo picknick. a wonderful transition in to my next topic. i think i have once again chaced away any hopes of meeting (and by meeting i mean spending excessive time with) a girl. how? i don't know, but i'm sure it is for the best. i am meeting (and by meeting i mean introducing myself to) more girls lately which i must say is quite nice. it has made me realize just what it is that makes girls so special. i mean i love my bro's, but often times there is only so much of them i can take before i get a little bonkers. meeting girls is like a breath of fresh air i suppose. anyways, my new song is now on my web page, but i don't know how long it will be there. i may just have the recording blues or something, but now when i listen to it i am well below impressed. i do admit that it was a good learning experience though because i learned alot, but i just have to keep on thinking. see, the thing about my music (which is one of the reasons why i don't want to be famous) is that even if the rest of the world likes a song of mine, but i don't, i won't play it anymore. that's just the way it goes. anyways, the rest of this week is going to be busy so i need to get some sleep. as far as women are concerned, life is short... or long... or... i actually don't really care, but i know there is more to experience than that... like eating more for instance... that's a great idea! peace and love.