Don't Read This. It Makes Me Seem Desperate.

So that's a confirmation. I was reading a book yesterday that talked about Adam and Eve. It suggested that Adam may have been alone for up to 90 years before God saw that he was lonely and so he created Eve so that they might complete each other. But during that time, Adam lasted those long years with the relationship he had with God and with the task of naming the animals. That's a lot of animals. So I was thinking to myself, am I lonely or am I just bored? I waste a lot of my life not doing stuff. I don't have any active hobbies, and my relationship with God probably isn't anywhere near as personal as it was between He and Adam. So boredom seemed to be the answer. I'm not lonely, I'm just bored.

That seemed to make sense to me yesterday, but I feel completely different tonight. I have been so obsessed over the changes taking place in my life that I have failed to note any of the heavy changes taking place in my friends. Tonight I am hurt because I indeed realize that I am truly lonely in the deeper sense. Mostly my friends and I have stayed close on surface levels, and I know our friendship is genuine because we make sacrifices for each other. But the deepest parts of my heart and spirit have no place to go. Either my friends just don't want to talk about, or they don't see them as I do. We have, all of us, changed unnoticed. I feel like this is more likely to happen with guys than it is girls. I feel like we don't share the deeper emotions we feel with each other because it makes us feel uncomfortable, but then after a long period of failed communication, it's as if we don't recognize our spirits anymore.

And it's just like me to internalize these things and translate them into "me" and how it makes "me feel". Who cares how he feels, it's about how it makes me feel. Who cares if he needs someone to talk to, it's about how comfortable I feel just listening. I had a tall hurtful glass of truth tonight from a friend. I play god with people's lives, I make generalizations, my so called Christian love shies in comparison to atheists who live half way across the world and who were only known for a few months. I am just one of several reasons for lost faith. And this is after I had already accused myself of laughing at things that I knew were not funny, but I was still to much of a coward not to laugh. Perhaps these things weren't said verbatim, but that's what I picked up.

So right now I feel like a low and worthless human being, a failed friend, a man with very little impact, and above all else, lonely. I wish I had someone to talk, not to, but with. I wish I had someone who saw what I saw and wanted to encourage me to be all I could be. I want someone to do the same for. I serve Jesus the best I can, which isn't that great, but I desire to, and that has filled me with more meaning than I could have ever built for myself. But there is definitely a piece missing. I'm not even talking about romance. I just want someone to sit down and talk with for hours on end. I feel like I have so much to say and so many questions to ask.

Sometimes I just want to run away from it all. I want to try again, as if a new place would somehow make it seem like a new life. It's not. It would be just as full of problems as my current one. But the truth is, relationships with friends will hurt. We will fall short of our expectations for each other. The closer you are to someone, the greater the amount of damage they can do to you, and the likelihood of it happening is pretty high. Human error accounts for a great deal of most of life's problems. But you have to decide if the pain is worth the reward. I think it is. Sometimes it's really hard to keep going, but it is worth it in the end.

I'm going to go to bed now and I'll wake up in the morning and probably make myself too busy to think about any of this stuff. That's how I manage. I just zone out, accomplish my objectives, and then I do it again. But as soon as I get bored, I get scared because I tend to realize my surroundings.